a submissive's musings: December 2006

Survey of the year

Found this survey thing, so thought i might as well do it: 1. What did you do this year that you've never done before? ooooh so many things - laid naked on a table and let strangers eat off of me, got various parts of me flogged/caned/cropped/clamped etc., went to a fetish/play/dungeon party, gave the 'perfect' foot job, made a woman cum, scened on an online chatroom, accepted myself properly as a submissive, started riding lessons........ 2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? don't remember making any this year, but i will definately make some for next year. 3. Did anyone close to you give birth this year? one of my closest friends, who used to work at nursery with me, had her first child in September - a boy called Jamie. He is very cute :) 4. Did anyone close to you die? no, fortunately. 5. What countries did you visit this year? Spain...... that's it. 6. What would you like to have in the next year that you lacked this year? hmmmm that's a tricky one, because i'm really not sure i've lacked in much this year. i'd like to say the support of my family in the type of relationship i've chosen to lead, but not sure that will ever happen. 7. What date from this year will remain etched upon your memory - and why? 2nd September, the day i was collared by my Master and started my life as His submissive properly. Quite possibly one of the best days i'll ever have in my entire life. 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? this is a hard one because i have achieved a lot this year, due to Sir's training and guidance and encouragment. i know the achievement i'm most proud of though - discovering my bi side, and having a successful and very enjoyable erotic encounter with a woman. Oh, and i was also very proud about serving/waitressing at the dinner party Sir's Dom friend held, where i was nude except for a gag and some bells, and although i was extremely nervous beforehand Sir was very pleased with how well i did. That was one of the first times i had shown my submissive side to anyone apart from Sir, and it was quite an important night for me. 9. Did you suffer illness or injury? not much illness aside from the usual couple of colds, and one minor sickness bug. i did dislocate my knee though, which was very painful and scary and not something i would like to repeat. 10. What did you get really, really, really excited about this year? two things - my collaring, and my friend's collaring :) 11. What song will always remind you of this year? 'Half light' by Athlete - it's the song i used to play over and over on my mp3 player when i was on the train going to Sir's house for a 'session'. So it has excited, happy feelings attached to it for me, and memories of those very first real-life meetings with Sir. 12. Compared to this time last year, are you: - happier or sadder? - richer or poorer? - thinner or fatter? definately happier, about the same money wise (although i guess i am better off financially living with Sir), and about the same weight. 13. What do you wish you'd done more of? ate more chocolate, spent more days in the sun, had more sex (yes i know i'm just insatiable) 14. What do you wish you'd done less of? worrying and doubting, because when i look back with hindsight none of the things i was worried about actually happened, and everything i had doubts about worked out fine; but then i guess it's always easy to see that with hindsight. i'm going to try to worry and doubt less next year though. 15. Did you fall in love this year? yes, because although i already knew Sir since November last year, it wasn't until this year that i realised the true depth of my feelings for Him. i can't say exactly when it was that i knew, it was more of a gradual thing, but by the time of our collaring i knew that i loved Him and wanted to be with Him. 16. What was your favorite TV program for the year? the same as the last few years because i really don't watch much TV at all - Big Brother. 17. What was the best book you read this year? difficult to choose just one, i enjoyed ploughing my way through some more of the 'Wheel of Time' series, and i've just finished reading 'Kushiel's Dart' which i really enjoyed. 18. What was your favorite film of the year? 'The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe', because i used to love that book as a child, and i thought the film was really well done. 19. Who was the best new person you met this year? this one is easy - flamesoul. she has become a very close and important friend to me since July, and i would hate to be without her now. The only other new person who is important to me is Amy, the sub i made friends with at the play party, but i still don't know her very well yet. 20. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned for this year. to be true to myself, never mind how other people do it, or what other people think, or what 'most' people regard as 'right' or 'normal' - i need to be true to who i am, and what i am, and what i want and need. Thank you Sir for showing me that :)

Looking back

When i look back at this year, and how much things have changed for me during it, and everything i've done and learnt, it's quite amazing to me. i'm a completely different person to the shy, timid girl who was tentatively exploring her submissive feelings with a man she chatted with online, at the beginning of the year. Now i'm a collared sub, living with my Master, enjoying r/l play sessions and service, with a new job and an impending promotion, and a much better understanding of myself and my nature than i've ever had before. These are some of the highlights of this year for me:

January: i chose my symbol as a sub - the butterfly - and was having lots of deep and insightful discussions with Sir online.

February: Valentine's Day, my first one of being with Sir, albeit still only online, and a big bouquet of flowers was delivered to me at work along with another very sweet present which i've still got and cherish.

March: i did lots of thinking in March and came to a better understanding of my submissive nature, and realised that this is something i wanted and needed to do in real-life.

April: The beginning of Sir and i's real-life relationship, including our first meeting in a cafe which i was very nervous about, and our first session at His house which i was even more nervous about, but they both went well and i gained in confidence so much during that month. Also Easter which i love, and spring which is my favourite season. April was a really good month for me.

May: i went away on holiday to Spain for a week with 2 of my friends. We booked it before i even met Sir online, and although i was sad to be away from Him just as we'd got together properly, it did me good and helped me chill out and relax and have some fun, and i came back with renewed energy to plough into my new relationship.

June: i don't remember much about June, except that i was really into Big Brother, and adored Pete (who went on to win it - hooray!).

July: Sir sent me to an online BDSM chatroom, to learn from the other subs there and watch what went on, and it did me a lot of good. i really gained in confidence from being there, and finally realised that i was 'good enough' to be a sub. This was also the month that i met my now-very-good friend online, and it was also the month that Sir started buying me lots of sexy underwear to wear when i was with Him. So, another good month.

August: my birthday and a month for enjoying the summer. Also the month when Sir asked me to stay at His house for a week to 'test out' living together full-time, at the end of which He offered me His collar, and i gladly accepted and we started planning our ceremony and new living arrangements for me to move in with Him.

September: We had our collaring ceremony, which was an absolutely fantastic day, and i moved in with Sir and started living as His full-time sub, according to His rules. And found that i really loved it, it's what i was born to do, and on top of that i also found that i love living in the country which surprised me somewhat. Oh, i started a new job too...... September was a busy month!

October: A wonderful day in London with Sir, which i have very happy memories of, plus settling into my new role, deepening in my devotion to Sir, and my first ever play party. Also Halloween, which i always enjoy but especially so this year.

November: i started regular riding lessons, which is a childhood dream come true and something i am enjoying sooooo much. And me and Sir went to a lovely fireworks display. Oooooh, and i got a promotion at work after our Ofsted inspection :)

December: a real breakthrough in my training when my bi side emerged and i found that i enjoy scening with my female friend online. Plus i attended my first proper 'vanilla' event with Sir as His girlfriend, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. And of course Christmas, which was brilliant this year and even more special than normal.

Some questions answered

i was reading back the blog entry i did when i had my first 'woman' encounter online, and i realised that i think i know the answers (at least partially) to some of the questions i asked myself then: #am i bi in some way? Am i attracted to women, but just haven't recognised it yet? ..... well the answer to this is yes, yes, yes! i am bi, at least to some extent and i am attracted to some women. It remains to be seen exactly how bi i am, or which women i would be attracted to, but i'm sure that will work itself out in time. It's kind of weird to think that i had this part of my personality lying inside dormant all this time, and never knew about it, but i'm glad it's been given a chance to come out at last. #would i only enjoy it with certain women? Only with flamesoul because i know and trust her so well? Or could i enjoy this with other women too? ..... at the moment this question remains unanswered, because i have yet to even attempt it with anyone else, besides flamesoul. However, in principle i think the answer should be that i would enjoy it with other women too, but i'm fairly sure that i'm a lot more choosy with my women than with my men, so it would only be a select few women that i would come to feel about in 'that' way. And i'm sure there is a trust issue involved here - i think i would need to know a woman really well as a close friend first, much more so than with a man. # would i enjoy this in r/l? ..... again, i can only guess the answer to this, but i'm fairly sure it is a 'yes', again, because the things i do online i imagine doing in r/l, and the feelings they evoke are the same. Hence i wouldn't be able to take part in a single-tail whipping scene online anymore, because it would invoke the same bad feelings that the r/l experience did. So, having felt such good feelings from my online 'women' encounters, i'm fairly positive that i would have the same feelings from a woman r/l (if she was right for me). # did i get so aroused because of the butterfly i was wearing? Or because of the scene with MstrJake i was telling flamesoul about? Or was the arousal because of what she was doing to me? ..... this one i can confidently answer now. my arousal was due to her and what she was saying and doing to me, not down to anything else. # how far can i progress in this? What are my limits in this? ..... again, this question has less of a certain answer at the moment. It's still a case of wait and see. Two things i do know though: firstly that once i've been introduced to something in this lifestyle that i like, i tend to 'take off with it' and progress much faster than i expect - hopefully it will be the same with this too. The other thing is that i am already fairly sure of one limit: no BDSM with women. By this i mean that i could not serve a Domme or have any bondage or pain involved in my play with women. i seem to be strictly vanilla in this aspect, which is fine with me because it allows me to experience all the softness, gentleness and tenderness which a woman is capable of. At the moment i'm happy with what i've achieved and excited about furthering my experiences in this area, but i'll wait my time and let Sir dictate the pace.

The spanking horse arrives

It's finally here - the first piece of furniture for our dungeon. The man delivered it personally this morning, and it was worth the wait. It looks absolutely fantastic in our barn, especially now Sir has finished attaching all the hooks and rings and eye bolts and things to the posts and the floor. It's a bit different to the photo i posted though because the top and the side bars are wider, and padded black leather, with black wooden legs. It gave me a little shiver standing there, imagining the time when the room will be full of furniture and be a proper 'dungeon'.

Of course, Sir had me try out the new equipment as soon as the man had left, and it was fantastic. He tried out different positions first of all, tying me to it in different ways, but the 2 He (and i ) enjoyed most were me on my front, kneeling on the side panels, laying forwards along the top; and the reverse, me laying on my back along the top with my legs bent back kneeling along the sides. He did some flogging on my bottom, but couldn't do much because of the cropping yesterday which has left my bottom still tender today. But He took full advantage of the second position to flog my tits and my pussy, and after screaming and begging for a while i suddenly dropped into this place where i just accepted it and enjoyed it. Not exactly subspace, well not the type i usually experience, but something similar because the flogs no longer hurt and although i could still feel them there was a sense of disconnection from me. Sir carried on for a while, then brought me gently back to Him by stroking me with the new rabbit fur paddle, and then wrapped me in my blanket and took me into the house for lots of cuddles and strokes. Which was lovely :)

So, me and Sir are both very pleased with our first piece of dungeon furniture, so much so in fact that Sir immediately ordered our next piece, which is an 'examination' table, to look something like this:

Ummmm, eeeeeeeek!

Women exploration progress

Last night i gave my 'Christmas present' to my sub friend on the #P&H chat room. i started off by brushing her hair, then gave her a massage, which led onto other things, and before i knew it my tongue was exploring her anus and my fingers were on her clit. i was quite excited beforehand, but also nervous because i have never 'done' to a woman before, so lots of it was just me going with my instincts and judging things by her reactions. But she definitely seemed to enjoy it, so i can't have done too badly (actually she said i was 'incredible' - *blush*).

i really enjoyed myself, and it all felt so beautiful and natural. It's strange to think that just a few months ago i was convinced that i was "100% straight" and that being with a woman would feel completely wrong. It's different to being with a man, but it's certainly doesn't feel 'wrong', it's just right in a different way. And yes i know i've only done it online so far, but for me the things i do online i imagine myself doing in r/l, and the feelings they arouse in me are the same, so i wouldn't be able to do anything online that i couldn't do in r/l, and i know that if i was with the right woman in r/l i would feel the same as i did yesterday with my friend.

i'm feeling so happy at the moment, it's like a whole new part of me has been opened up ready to be explored. i'm realising some things already though - i'm a lot more picky with my women than with men, and i really don't think there are many i would be attracted to in that way; i'm definitely 'vanilla' with women and wouldn't like to play with a Domme or have any BDSM elements involved; and i like things to be much slower with women, more teasing and gentleness and caressing and slow exploration.

Oh, and this morning Sir gave me a new charm for my bracelet - it turns out He bought it a while ago in readiness for this achievement, 'successful exploration with a woman online' (which He measured by me being made to cum by a woman online, and me making a woman cum online). It's a beautiful charm and i'm very proud :)

A great Christmas :)

i had a really brilliant Christmas with Sir :) Santa left me some presents in my stocking (yes, i did put one up!), which i opened first thing on Christmas Day. There was some massage oil with a lovely fragrance, some new stockings, a new hairbrush, chocolate-covered cherries and raspberries and apricots, and some Ben-wa balls! We had fun trying out some of Santa's presents before breakfast *blush*.

i got lots of lovely presents from everyone, i'm a very lucky girl. Too much to list them all here, but i'll write about the best ones: a beautiful butterfly necklace, a gorgeous dress with butterflies on, a jewellery box, some posh going-out shoes, perfume, smellies, underwear, books, DVDs, flowers and a new bouquet to be sent each month, and a stick insect kit.

Sir was really pleased with the presents i got for Him too. i loved watching His face as He opened them. His main present was a 'tank driving experience day', similar to those days where you get to drive a Ferrari or a racing car, but this one is with ex-army instructors driving different kinds of tanks. And i get to go along and watch when He does it! i also got Him some gifts to use on me, a mini flogger and a strap. i haven't had the pleasure of them being tried out yet, but i'm sure i will soon!
The best thing about this Christmas though was getting to spend time, just me and Sir, enjoying each others company. i know we get to do that quite a lot, and we're lucky in that respect, but there's something special about Christmas, and i really enjoyed the day i spent with Sir, curled up snuggling with Him, warm and safe and relaxed and content.

The other brilliant thing that happened was on Boxing Day, when we went to visit my sister. i had been worried beforehand about how much to tell her about me and Sir, but on the advice of Sir and a good friend decided to say nothing. Then during the afternoon, when i was helping her do the washing-up, she suddenly said to me: "you two are one of those S&M couples aren't you? The ones you read about, where one person wears a collar and leash, and you have whips under the bed and stuff". i was really surprised, and yes i did try to correct her about the 'S&M' part and explain about D/s, but she didn't want details; she said she could see that we were both happy and that was all she needed to know. So it turns out my sister is fine with it, after all my worries about whether to tell her she knew all along! It's funny how things turn out sometimes.

i hope everyone else had just as good a Christmas as me, and got lots of lovely presents, and time with the ones you love :)

Creative splurge

Just to let people know i had a bit of a creative day today, and made a website dedicated to mine and Sir's collaring ceremony. i'm quite impressed with myself (even though the original idea came from a friend, and i did use one of those site builders with templates and stuff!). And Sir was sooooooo pleased with me when i showed Him :) The link's in the side bar. i hope other people like it too.

Happy Christmas!

Not sure how much i'll be able to write in here over the next few days, so i'll wish everyone a very happy Christmas now. i hope you all get what you want and more, and that you have a relaxed, stress-free Christmas with the ones you love.

my Christmas wish for you, my friend,
Is not a simple one,
For i wish you hope and joy and peace,
Days filled with warmth and fun.
i wish you love and friendship too,
Throughout the coming year,
Lots of laughter and happiness,
To fill your world with cheer.
May you count your blessings, one by one,
And when totalled by the lot,
May you find all you've been given,
To be more than what you sought.
May your journeys be short, your burdens light,
May your spirit never grow old,
May all your clouds have silver linings,
And your rainbows pots of gold.
i wish this all and so much more,
May all your dreams come true,
May you have a Merry Christmas, friend,
And a happy New Year, too.

Christmas

Yeah i know, i'm like a little kid getting so excited about Christmas, but i do work with little kids and their enthusiasm is catching (that's my excuse anyway), and the thing i'm most excited about this year is getting to spend Christmas Day with my Master. Although we were 'together' in an online relationship last Christmas, it wasn't the same and in the end i didn't get to speak to Sir at all on Christmas Day because i stayed round my parents' house. So i think i have good reason to be excited this year.

Oh, and here's a snowflake i made :)

Winter

Today i went for a walk after work to visit the horses, and it was an absolutely beautiful day. Very cold and frosty/ icy, but so pretty in the woods with the trees covered in white, the leaves crackling under my feet, the red berries standing out against the bare branches, the river perfectly still and silver like a mirror with a thin hazy fog above it, and two beautiful swans gliding along it.

And when i got to the horses they were so happy to see me, coming trotting over, even the ones which had been sheltering in their inside bit. And i fed them pieces of apple and talked to them and scratched between their ears and stroked their noses, and it was really lovely. Especially seeing how happy Stardust was that i had come to visit him :)

Sometimes, often infact, i really love living in the country.

Sir's company Christmas party

Last night Sir took me to His work's Christmas dinner/dance party. It was a really posh event, with proper invitations sent on cream embossed card, and a dress code ("evening wear"), and everything. Normally i don't really do 'posh events' because i end up feeling out of place and intimidated, but Sir really wanted me to go and He promised to look after me, so along i went.

The first thing i was excited about was seeing what dress Sir had bought me. He had chosen one especially about a week before, but had kept it hidden from me, and only showed me when it was time for me to get ready to go out. And it was worth the wait! It was absolutely gorgeous, dark purple, pure silk, very very pretty and elegant. And He'd even thought to get me some shoes to go with it! Sometimes Sir just amazes me with His thoughtfulness. So by the time i was dressed i was feeling happy and relaxed and ready to go.
The evening was really enjoyable. Sir introduced me to everyone as His "wonderful girlfriend", and it seems He has talked about me quite a bit at work because people were asking me how i'm enjoying living in the country now, and how the riding lessons are going, and congratulating me on the job promotion at nursery. It was really nice, and they were all very friendly. Normally i would be quite shy when speaking to new people, but having Sir there, and the fact that they already knew about me, gave me confidence. The food was absolutely lovely, rather posh, but very nice. And the bit i was dreading the most - the dancing - was quite fun once i got into it. People were doing proper ballroom dancing, which i have no idea how to do, but Sir just kind of positioned my arms correctly, held me and then guided me round the floor. i know i wasn't doing the right things with my feet but i don't think anyone really looked at my feet, and the rest of me looked as if i knew what i was doing because Sir was leading me so well. We danced for hours but i didn't realise because i was just enjoying it so much.

It was the first time i have met people from Sir's work, the first time i have been to such a posh party, and the first time i have spent so long with Sir at a 'vanilla' event. And i think that all 3 elements came off really well, so i'm very very pleased :)

How much to tell?

Up until now Sir and i hadn't really made any definite Christmas arrangements. We knew we would spend Christmas together, and have Christmas Day at home with just the two of us, but beyond that we were unsure who we would visit or who would visit us, and when. Now, after several phone calls to various people, we have the final arrangements:

Christmas Eve: Sir and i have invited my parents round for 'drinks and nibbles' in the afternoon, for a couple of hours.

Christmas Day: Sir and i spend the day together at home.

Boxing Day: Sir and i have been invited to spend the whole day round my sister's house, with her boyfriend too.

27th-30th Dec: Sir and i spend the time together at home.

New Year's Eve: i am going out with two of my closest friends to celebrate in town together.

New Year's Day: Sir and i are visiting His mother for a few hours in the afternoon.

Most of which is fine. The one thing i am worried about is spending the *entire* day with Sir at my sister's. Obviously i won't be doing the whole kneeling-at-Sir's-feet submissive thing, but on the other hand i don't want to deny my submissiveness completely in order to hide the nature of our relationship from her. And i'm fairly certain that no matter how much i try to hide it, she will figure some of it out because she's intuitive like that. This will be the first time she has spent any real length of time with Sir beyond chatting for a few minutes, and it will also be the first time she has observed me and Him interacting with each other properly..............

So my question is: do i tell her something about the nature of our relationship, beforehand? Do i wait and see if she guesses it or asks me questions? Or do i try to keep her completely in the dark and hope she doesn't notice anything unusual about me and Sir?

Hmmmmmmmm, i just don't know what to do for the best.

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{Realised that i made a mistake and mixed up 2 of the events:

Sir's mum visited us on Christmas Eve, and we're visiting my parents on New Year's Day.

Not that it makes a lot of difference, but i like things to be correct ;)}

Topping from the bottom

i've often heard/ read about the tendency that some subs have to 'top from the bottom', i.e. try to control and manipulate things to the way they want them, rather than accept and submit to what their Doms require and instruct of them. But i never really understood what it would look like, until yesterday.........

During a scene i observed on #P&H a sub started giving orders to the Dom using her, and when He complied with those orders she gave more and more until in the end she was the one controlling the scene. This is how it progressed:

s: "give me MORE"
D: twists her nipples harder
s: "again, more, harder Sir"
D: digs His nails into her nipples and twists hard
s: "oh yesssss, that's it Sir"
s: chants "fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me"
D: fucks her hard
s: "stand up please Sir"
D: stands up, wondering what she has in mind
s: wraps her legs round His, feet pressing against His ass, arms holding round His neck
s: "now fuck me hard, whilst i'm like this"
D: continues to fuck her hard
s: motions to Him to squeeze her tits
D: puts His hands on her tits and squeezes
s: rocks back and forth on Him
D: "are you ready for Me to cum now, or shall I continue a bit longer?"
s: "both...... cum now, and then continue to hurt my tits"
D: "ok"

Which i found .................... unbelievable, because to me neither of them were acting in the way i think of Doms or subs acting. Maybe i just have a narrow view of what those roles entail, and maybe what happened would be widely accepted and understood within the lifestyle. *Shrug* it just seemed odd to me.

New rules

Sir has gradually added to my rules, since i became His collared sub, so i thought i'd post all the updates here:

being responsible for the words i speak includes not swearing or using bad language; failure to abide by this rule may lead to me being disciplined.

i am now required to use 'Sir' or 'Master' at the beginning and end of every request - for example "Sir, please may i get a drink of water Sir?"

although the spare bedroom will also be used as Muffin's home, and will contain books, CDs, DVDs, games etc. that i bring with me when i move, i should only request permission to stay in that room for any length of time in order to use it in its 'safe zone' capacity. If i wish to utilise any of the items in that room or spend time with Muffin, i am allowed to ask my Master for permission, and if granted will be expected to fetch the items/Muffin and bring them into the living room. The exception to this will be for feeding Muffin and cleaning out his cage, which will be done in the spare room after obtaining the necessary permission from my Master.

if my Master is in the house or entered with me, i should ask Him permission to go and get changed, otherwise this should be the first thing i do on entering the house.

i should apply the moisturising lotion and body powder provided by my Master to my pussy and underarms daily, in order to keep them smooth and free from irritation. i must use the Vitamin E cream my Master has provided on any areas of my body which are healing, in order to promote this process.

i am allowed to spend my own money on whatever i wish to, although my Master would prefer me to consult Him when choosing clothes, at least until i am entirely familiar with His preferences in this area.

the first thing i should say to my Master every morning, and the last thing i should say to Him every night, is "i am Yours, Master".

when kneeling to present an object to my Master, i should bow my head and raise both arms above my head, palms flat and facing upwards, and wait until He takes the offered object.

when standing i am to keep one heel off of the floor at all times.

when told to assume the 'rest position' on my cushion i am permitted to sit in any way which is comfortable for me, so long as i do not obstruct my Master's view of my body; when given permission to sit on the sofa with my Master i am not expected to sit as i do on a chair normally, but am allowed to snuggle up with Him or sit over His lap.

i must ensure that i am never physically above my Master - such as standing when He is sitting or crawling across Him in bed - unless He has specifically instructed me to be.

until further notice i will be expected to use the 'kneeling' cushion under my right knee, to support it whilst i am in any kneeling position.

new positions added are 'open', 'kneel forward', 'kneel back' and 'supine'.

i am no longer allowed to ask permission to cum, but must wait until Sir tells me to cum and then cum as quickly and as hard as i can for Him.

when my Master puts His fingers or a toy to my mouth, i must kiss, lick and suck it, until He removes it.

it is my responsibility for keeping my Master's whips and floggers in good condition through the use of beeswax.

when ordered to fetch something i should fetch it as quickly as possible, drop to my knees at my Master's feet, kiss the object and then hold it above my head to offer it to Him.

if i am gagged or otherwise unable to verbalise my safeword i am required to use the "two grunts" method - to call "red" i will grunt loudly twice in quick succession, repeatedly. my Master will use the "two squeezes" method with me during scenes, when i would find it difficult or distracting to reply to Him verbally - He will take my hand and squeeze it twice to mean "are you OK?", i am expected to respond by squeezing His hand twice to communicate "yes Sir, i am OK". If my Master does not feel me return the squeezes after 2 attempts, He will stop the scene to check my well-being more thoroughly.

amended to add the following limits: face slapping, single-tail whips.

a list of all items in 'libby's learning folder', and all punishments received, will be kept on my blog.

part of the conditions for being allowed to retain my computer privileges includes the keeping of an online blog/journal. This should be used to record my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis. Although i am aware that my Master will be reading the blog, i should nonetheless endeavour to write freely, openly and honestly in it, so that things i am unable to express verbally during 'free talk times' will still become known to my Master. i will not be punished for anything i write in my blog.

i should bring the laptop to where my Master is, if possible, so i can be near Him whilst i am using it.

All of these new rules came about due to things i did, or things that happened, such as:
~ once i leant across Sir in bed to fetch something, rather than getting out and walking round.
~ there was a need to work out a system of non-verbal 'safewords' when Sir started using gags during sessions.
~ my knee got dislocated, so it needs more care and support now.
~ the cumming on demand training we are doing requires different rules for when i am allowed to cum, than i had before.

When Sir gives me a new rule, He always explains the reasons behind it, and helps me to practise it quite a few times. He is fairly lenient on me at first, reminding me if i forget it, but after a while i am expected to have accumulated it into the rest of the rules and remember it by myself, and i will be punished if i don't. i am finding that i really like having the rules because they give me a lot of structure, and i know exactly what i am meant to be doing. Of course, many situations occur outside of the rules, but recently i have noticed that i am able to apply my knowledge of Sir's expectations and preferences (mainly gleaned from an understanding of the reasoning behind the rules) to figure out what to do. And it really pleases Sir if i am able to choose the correct course of action by myself. Though i am careful to go to Him for instructions when needed, because i have made the mistake of guessing what to do when i was unsure, and being on the receiving end of His annoyance as a result!

A Gentleman and a Dom

Recently i've been thinking about two different, separate, and seemingly contrasting aspects of Sir's personality, and wondering how they fit together so well being as they are so different.

The two aspects are Him being a 'gentleman' and Him being a natural Dominant. At first glance, these two aspects do indeed seem opposite to each other, because as a gentleman Sir opens doors for me, runs me my bath and buys me my favourite chocolate; whereas as a Dominant He expects me to have His clothes ready for Him, bring Him the newspaper in bed on a Sunday morning and make sure He has a drink when He needs one. The difference being that i serve Him, whereas He takes care of me.

The reasons behind the actions, whilst all being done out of love and devotion, are very different - mine are expected actions of service, His are chosen actions of caring. As a gentleman Sir removes the thorns from roses before He gives them to me, gives me foot massages when my feet ache, and insists that i get a cab home when it's dark; yet as a Dominant He flogs my tits until i scream, leaves me shivering naked next to the bed after i've showered, and hogties me tightly on the floor. However, both of these aspects reveal His care and affection for me, albeit in very different ways. He acts like a gentleman towards me to show His love and concern for me, and He acts as my Dominant to meet my needs and to fulfil the bond between us. So whilst it may seem odd at first glance for these two aspects to be present in the same person, actually they go together very well, and compliment each other, making Sir a well-rounded and fascinating Man :)

Abrasion

Abrasion turns out to be one of those things that i love and hate at the same time.

Sir introduced me to the 'joys' of this in yesterday's 'new experiences' session, concentrating on my nipples which are now rather tender. Sir used the nipple suckers on me, then rubbed them with sandpaper, hit them with the thin crop, brushed them with a nail brush, used the new small very ouchy rubber flogger on them, held an electric toothbrush against them, put pegs on them and flogged them off and then pinched them whilst wearing vampire gloves. i have no idea how many times i came or how loud i screamed, but i think the answer to both is "lots" ;)

High maintenance or low maintenance?

A little while ago during a chat with a Dom on #P&H, i was told that i am a 'low maintenance' sub. This surprised me because it's not something i've ever really thought about before, so it's certainly not a term i would use to describe myself.

Sir and i discussed it quite a lot, and He made me understand that although most subs are high maintenance compared to 'vanilla' people, there are definitely wide ranges of maintenance levels among subs. It's because of the very nature of subs, their need to be controlled, instructed, guided, encouraged, nurtured, checked up on, disciplined, punished, rewarded, trained, etc. that makes them high maintenance in terms of the time and attention required by the Dominant. But presumably a Dom who wishes to participate in a D/s relationship is well aware of the high maintenance levels of most subs, and is willing and able to take on such a responsibility.

Sir agreed that i am relatively low maintenance compared to other subs, although not to an unhealthy level. He believes that those subs who are very low maintenance usually either have a very low self esteem, or are more like 'bottoms' than subs, so don't really require any extra attention between scening sessions. He devised a quiz to help another sub understand more about her own maintenance levels, so i did it for fun, and here are the results:

1b) i prefer small, thoughtful, personal gifts and gestures from my Master than extravagant, expensive ones.
2c) If my Master is unable to do a scheduled session with me i find something else to do and don't let it bother me.
3b) Sometimes i get cranky about things, but i try to talk it through with my Master.
4b) i am somewhat insecure of myself, but i trust my Master's opinion of me.
5b) i communicate my needs to my Master, but accept that it may take some time for Him to fully meet and accommodate them.
6c) i feel that i don't even deserve what my Master gives to me at the moment.
7b) i enjoy being the focus of my Master's attention, but i am happy for Him to be friendly with other people too.
8b) i have some limits which are personal to me, and which i have explained to my Master.
9b) i make contact with my Master when i need to.
10b) i seek clarification if i don't understand something, but otherwise i only present the results of a task to my Master.

In this quiz i came out with 0 a's, 8 b's and 2 c's. This shows that on the whole i am a normal to low maintenance level. (Please note i'm not saying there's anything wrong with being a high maintenance or a low maintenance sub, or that one is better than the other - just attempting to clarify which i am.)

So proud of myself

Yesterday i found myself thinking about my friend on the #P&H chat room, and they were dirty thoughts *blush* - thoughts of touching her and caressing her and fondling her, and watching her reaction. It's not that often that i think of her in this way, it's only a fairly recent thing, and i'd promised her i'd let her know when i do feel like that so that we can continue with my 'women exploration' training. So by the time i logged into the channel, i was rather hot and excited............

But then for a while, it seemed that it wasn't meant to be. she had been called on to serve twice already, and had cum lots of times, and was tired as a result. And she was expecting to have to go offline at any moment to go shopping with her partner. So i resigned myself to having to wait until the next time i got those particular feelings............

To cut a long story short, i ended up finding the courage to tell her how i felt, and she kindly rearranged things so we could have some time together. So we spent 2 hours gently exploring each other, making each other moan and squirm and gasp, and it was soooooo fantastic :) The outcome was that she made me cum (and cum hard), and then we snuggled together and chatted for a little while before i had to go to bed and she had to go shopping. It felt so comfortable and so beautiful and so *right*, it's kind of hard to imagine how i was so convinced of being "100% straight" before ;)

It was a truly beautiful, wonderful experience, and i'm so glad i had the opportunity to do it with someone so special to me. It was completely different from being with a man, much more on an equal level, and much more gentle and sensuous and soft and with a slower build up and kindling of the fire. Not that i'm saying it was better than being with a man, because crikey that is so not the case! But it was fantastic in it's own special way.

i'd like to say a big thank-you to my friend, for being so gentle and patient and understanding with me, and also to Sir for His encouragement and guidance throughout - the times He's just listened to me babbling about how confused i am, the times He's calmed my nerves, the times He's shown me pictures and videos and discussed them with Me - all of those have really helped.

i've spent today walking round with a huge grin on my face. It feels like i've taken a giant step last night - in my training, in my progress as a sub, and in my understanding of who i am.

Riding progress

i have had 4 riding lessons now, and i'm really enjoying it. Sir came to watch me for the first time today, and He said He was really impressed by how confident and comfortable i looked doing it. :)

Judith has stopped using the lead rope or the 'lunge' now, and i am riding Stardust by myself, with her calling out instructions. i find it easier in the field because there's more room, but for the past 2 weeks we've had to be inside because of all the mud. It's still going well though, and i feel like i learn loads every week.

Here's what i've learnt to do so far:
~ adjust the girth and the stirrups correctly
~ lead him correctly
~ mount from the ground unaided
~ maintain the correct seating position
~ use the reins properly to steer and to stop
~ use my legs to tell him to speed up
~ ride him at a walking pace, in both directions, confidently
~ dismount safely

This week we were working on using my legs to tell him to turn, speed up, slow down and stop, and it was actually quite easy - much easier than i thought it would be. Stardust seems to respond really well to what my body is telling him to do, and i like to talk softly to him as i ride to calm him and let him know he is doing well. He's such a beautiful horse, and already i have a deep bond with him :) Oh, and we've ordered some jodphurs, boots, helmet and a jacket for me, so i won't have to keep borrowing from Judith.

The photos

The photos which Sir ordered as part of our payment for the 'erotic photographer' guy being allowed to use me as a model........ have now arrived!

They're much bigger than i expected, but they're on big chunky square canvases which look absolutely wicked hung on our walls - a set of 3 in the bedroom and a set of 3 in the barn/dungeon. i've been looking at them a lot today, and whilst i *know* it is me (and sometimes also Sir) in the photos, for some reason it doesn't seem like me in them. i keep having to remind myself that it is me in them, and then i start thinking "wow, is that really how i look from that angle?" etc. not in a bad way or even in a good way, just in a curious way i guess. They've allowed me to see myself as an outsider does, and it's really interesting. i really, really like them - because they're art and they look good, because they're of me and Sir and that makes them special and personal to us, and because they're hot!! *blush*. i'm looking forward to staring at them lots during 'me and Sir' time ;)

my present :)

Sir told me a little while back that He was getting me a present to celebrate my promotion at work, but He said i had to wait for it because it was something He needed to order specially.............. well, this morning when i woke up there was a gift-wrapped present waiting on my pillow for me :)

Which made me squeal in delight because a little while ago i mentioned that i would like to get a rabbit fur glove for Sir to use on me, and this paddle is completely covered in the softest rabbit fur all over. We tried it out before breakfast (he he) and it's such a lovely feeling having it stroked all over me, it doesn't even hurt when Sir hits me with it, although that's not quite such a delicious feeling. It makes me get goosebumps just thinking about it *grin*!

The corset

my new corset arrived this morning, perfectly in time for today's 'new experiences' session :) Sir took a long time carefully lacing me into it, and although it was tight and did restrict my movements, it was more comfortable than i thought it would be, and i LOVED it!!

It's hard to describe how sexy it makes me feel to wear it, especially because it pushes my (little) tits up and emphasises my tiny waist, and it stops above my bottom so everything down there is on show. Sir certainly liked it very much, and He made me assume various positions whilst He took photos of me - it was very enjoyable, and i'm looking forward to using it much more in future.

Oh, and thank You once again Sir, for treating me to such a beautiful corset - i'm a very lucky girl :)

submitting to myself?

A few days ago Sir gave me a quotation to think about, and come back to Him when i was ready to discuss it. To be honest, it's probably the most challenging quotation He's ever given me, because although i understand and agree with some of it, there's parts which i find totally confusing......................... until Sir gave the same quote to my friend (online), and she helped explain it to me :)

Here's the quote:
" a slave submits primarily to her own nature... That she requires a material, extrovert focus for her submission, i.e. the Dominant, does not alter the fact that on the spiritual level her submission is essentially introverted. One could say that through the Dominant she submits to herself by proxy... Each makes the other possible, tied together as they are in symbiotic interdependence." ('Spirituality in Slavehood')

First of all i had to look up the meaning of 'symbiotic':(Biology) interaction between two different organisms living in close physical association, especially to the advantage of both.

The parts that i found easier to understand were:
~ 'each makes the other possible' - i totally agree with this, because i cannot properly be a sub without a Dom to submit to, just as a Dom cannot properly be a Dom without a sub to dominate. Although an unowned sub or a non-owning Dom will still have their basic nature intact, it is only by entering into the right D/s relationship that the true essence of each is released and allowed to be expressed.
~ 'tied together as they are in symbiotic interdependence' - i also agree with this, because in a D/s relationship, even more so than in a vanilla one, the two people merge and become one entity somehow. i think it's to do with the power-exchange thing, but the ties and bonds between them seem much clearer to me in D/s relationships. Each benefits from the relationship and each needs the other - hence the 'interdependent' part - i depend on Sir, that's fairly obvious, but He also (in a different way) depends on me.
~ 'that she requires a material, extrovert focus for her submission, ie. the Dominant' - this relates to the 2 preceding points, that a sub needs another person to give her submission to, to submit to, to hand control over to, to serve, etc. she needs someone outside of herself to channel her submission into, even though that submission comes from deep within her inner nature. The submission has to come out into the physical and material world, shown in physical acts, done by one physical being to another, in order to be properly expressed.

The parts i had difficulty understanding were those talking about 'a slave submits primarily to her own nature', 'through the Dominant she submits to herself by proxy' and 'on the spiritual level her submission is essentially introverted'. i was thinking "but hold on! i don't submit to myself, i submit to Sir, i give Him the control, not me, i serve His needs, not mine, i accept His judgements, not my own......" But what i was missing was that these parts of the quote are talking about a different kind of submission - not the physical, outer kind, but the innate, natural, inner kind. It is that kind of submission that i need to submit to in myself, in that i need to 'give in' to it, allow it, accept it, recognise it and nurture it. i need to submit to my needs and my nature. i need to submit to being a sub. And it is only through the outer, physical acts and expressions of submission, the things i do for a Dom, that i am able to fully and properly give in to and give a voice to, *submit* to, this inner submission.
If that makes sense to anyone except me ;)

Amy

Today Sir took me round to Mr Taylor and Amy's house, for a little while after work. (Amy is the sub i got chatting with at the play party, and Mr Taylor is her Dom.)

We didn't do much, just talked for a while, and Amy showed me round the house and took me into the garden to see her bunnies. But it was lovely to see her again, and her and i get on so well, she's so sweet and easy to talk to. It turns out that her and Mr Taylor are D/s not M/s, and not all of the time. They prefer to live as 'vanilla equals' most of the time, and slip into D/s roles when both of them want to. i don't think that arrangement would work for me but it definitely seems to for them, so good on them. Not much more to write today, except that we have arranged to go round theirs' most Mondays, which will be nice :)

Do you ever wonder?

Found this lovely presentation on the web today, and it sums up my mood at the moment completely:

Do you ever wonder at the wonder of it all?
Do you ever stand in awe of the tiniest things and how perfectly they work together?
Do you ever stop to think about all the possibilities and how even though they have no limit they grow in number with every minute?
Do you ever wonder when the leaves flutter down in autumn at the incomprehensible power of life that brings them back in spring?
Do you watch the waves roll in and then look out far beyond them where the water seems to touch the sky and realise that the vast expanse before your eyes is only a small little corner of all there really is?
And do you comprehend that all there really is, as unimaginably grand as it may seem, is only a smaller corner still of all that there can be?
Do you ever wonder how love can stay alive past every pleasure and every pain and even when there can be no hope there is more than ever?
Do you ever struggle to lift a heavy rock and wonder how a massive mountain can rise thousands of feet above the plain without even trying?
Do you ever realise that no matter how much you may know, no matter how many wonders you may have experienced, there will always, always be more?
Do you ever wonder why it is you wonder and why you know what beauty is even though you can't define it?
Do you ever wonder who is doing the wondering, who is looking out through your eyes and feeling completely at home with the wonder of it all?
Whatever you believe, whatever you profess, whatever you doubt or fear or hope for, there are some things your heart cannot deny when you let go and let yourself know the wonder of it all. Copyright © 2003 Ralph S. Marston, Jr.

Do i ever wonder? Sure, all the time :)

Another thing i forgot

i don't quite know where this week went, but a lot seems to have happened in it, and most of it i forgot to write about here, so i'm just catching up at the moment...........

On Tuesday and Wednesday our nursery was inspected by Ofsted, which is quite a stressful thing to happen because the managers are really on edge, wanting everything perfect, and everyone has to put a lot of work into planning and preparing the room and the activities and stuff. And during those 2 days, the inspectors can walk in at any time and observe any activity, talk to any member of staff, etc. so we were all jumping every time the door opened. In the end it wasn't too bad - i think our room was inspected about 6/7 times in total, but only for 20-30mins each time. And there was only once when i was leading a whole-room activity; the rest of the time we were working in small groups on different activities. Because i am one of the qualified members of staff in the room, they interviewed me briefly about the nursery and its policies and procedures etc (all of which i answered well, thank goodness), and they also mentioned briefly how well i supported the 4 children in our room with special needs. Then after they'd gone, i was asked to go up to the office and told that they had really praised me up to the managers, and that the nursery has now decided to open up a separate special needs unit, and they want me to run it!!!!

i was soooooooooo pleased, but really surprised. They said it will take about 6 months to get the unit set up because they have to apply for funding to convert an unused room, and get it approved by social services, but by then i'll have my next qualification hopefully, which will allow me to be in charge of a room. They said it will depend on the type of children we get, but they will provide me with as many staff as i need to help me, and i can order whatever toys and equipment i like (they will get lots of grants to buy that stuff with), and they're going to send me on some training courses. The children we have at the moment only have fairly mild special needs - there's one girl with cerebral palsy who walks with two sticks, and needs help with physical activities but otherwise is fairly independent, a boy with high-functioning autism who has some problems understanding communication and occasionally throws a tantrum when things become too noisy, another boy with Downs Syndrome who is just a little delayed in things like toileting, eating, dressing skills and knowledge of numbers, colours, shapes, etc. and another boy with learning difficulties who has progressed so well that he is virtually indistinguishable from the rest of the children. But having worked as a volunteer at a special needs summer play scheme in the past, i know there are children with much more severe disabilities, both physical and learning, and that working with them will be much more challenging, but hopefully very enjoyable. i'm sooooooooooo excited!!