Safewords

January 06, 2007

Safewords

i've been reading quite a lot about safewords recently, and it seems that people are either really against them, or think they are essential in a D/s relationship. Which made me reconsider my own views on them, so i decided to post my thoughts here: People who are really against them seem to see them as unnecessary in a commited D/s relationship where both people know each other really well, and they say that having a safeword puts the sub/slave in control rather than the Dom because they can stop the scene at any time just by saying one word: "If we now give or allow our slaves a safeword, we are handing back that power and responsibility to our slave, in complete opposition of the concept of Absolute or Total Power Exchange. As most slaves enjoy being without that power and control and even enjoy the feeling of bondage and helplessness and we Masters enjoy being in control, in power and like the voluntary bondage and helplessness of our slaves, a safeword puts the entire concept of Power Exchange in question and enters a Master/slave commitment into the realms of role-play." (from here) But i don't feel that's true. i am not in control of the scene because Sir decides what He does and when and how far to go and when to stop, etc. etc. Most of the time i have no idea what He has planned for a scene, and just have to take things as they come. i cannot refuse something because i don't feel like it or don't want to or don't really enjoy it or because i like or prefer or need something else. i submit to His demands and accept whatever He gives me to endure. The only time i would use my safeword is if an unforseen drastic problem occurs (such as my knee feels like it is about to dislocate again, or i am going to have a panic attack). In those circumstances it is my responsibility to use my safeword in order to prevent any harm or damage occuring to me. Sir doesn't want a sub who is broken either physically or mentally, and no matter how well He knows me there will be times that something is going wrong He is unaware of, and i need to make Him aware of it. Found this quote (sorry can't remember where i got it from) that sums up what i'm trying to say here: "a safeword is like a seatbelt, it isn't there because you don't trust the driver, it is there because things happen accidently that are nobody's fault." Another argument i have heard against safewords is that if there is a problem the sub should just say it, rather than use a special word. However sometimes it would be really difficult for me to express what the problem is and i need the scene stopped right away. It is reassuring to know that one word will do that, and for some reason i can often still speak that word when i am unable to say anything else. (For example, it's much quicker and easier to say "red" than "Sir every lash you are giving me with that whip is making me panic more and more and i am getting a very bad feeling that you hate me and want to harm me, and i am close to sobbing uncontrollably and i'm not sure i will be able to stop.") It's often the case that the sub will call out things like "stop", "no more", "take it off", etc. as part of a scene anyway (i certainly do), so communicating that there is a *real* need to stop would be difficult without a safeword, particularly if the sub was distressed. i do not, however, go to the other extreme, and say (like some people do) that a safeword is essential for every D/s encounter and that anyone who doesn't use one is an unsafe and reckless player. Different things work for different people, and i can well imagine that some people love the idea of not having a safeword, not being able to stop the scene (although of course in reality they can still call out that their knee is going to dislocate, or the Dom would likely see they are in trouble and stop the scene anyway). A safeword will not stop you getting harmed, but it acts as an additional safety measure to make it more unlikely that you will by alerting the Dom as soon as the possibility arises. It is also foolish to think that having a safeword will prevent anything bad happening to you. Firstly you have to know the Dom well enough to be sure He will honour the safeword, plus there will always be incidents that happen too quickly for the safeword to be any use. It's also possible for the sub to be too far 'gone' to be able to recall her safeword let alone think about or be able to voice it. In those instances she relies on the Dom to be aware of her limits and not push her past them, or to pause the scene to bring her back to a point He can check in with her. So yes i have a safeword, and yes i am glad i do, and yes i will continue to use it when necessary (although those occasions are very rare).