a submissive's musings: December 2007

Did i keep them?

Ok, so we've come to the last day of the year, a time to look back and see how well i did at keeping my resolutions for 2007........

1) "i want to have more faith in myself this year, to try to do away with the nagging voice inside me that tells me i can't do something, or i'm bound to fail, or i'm not good enough. Basically to trust Sir's instincts - if He's given me a task He must think that i can do it, right? So i'm going to believe that i can, and believe in myself. "

i think i have kept to this one, on the whole, this year, because although i still get nervous before a big 'event' or new training, such as our dungeon opening party or the start of the toilet play limit exploration for example, i am getting better at pushing past those fears and giving it my all, confident in the knowledge that i must be ready for it because otherwise Sir wouldn't be asking it of me. By trusting myself through Sir's judgement of me, i have been able to attempt things which would have seemed far too daunting for me before. And every time i have had faith in myself, i have done really well and surpassed all my expectations, and made Sir proud as well. So this resolution was well worth the effort.

2) "i want to deepen more in my submission to Sir this year, to find new ways to serve Him and please Him and make Him happy, to learn new skills and extend my limitations in play, to push myself to be the best submissive that i am capable of being for Him at this time. Because He is my Master, and He deserves no less from me."

i think this resolution i have kept as well, especially the deepening in my submission, because i now identify as a slave, and submit to Sir in ever-increasing ways and levels. i have tried hard with all the training He has done with me this year, and have made good progress in lots of areas and managed to overcome some limits, which i am really pleased about. So overall, i think i have done well in this area too, although of course this is the kind of resolution which will be ongoing because there are always new areas to try, new skills to learn, new ways to improve myself.

3) "i want to learn lots this year - about myself and my nature and my submission, and also new skills and talents as a submissive, but also vanilla skills too such as improved cooking and horse-riding and perhaps even a new foreign language. i'm finding that i have a real thirst for knowledge and skills now, i want to be the best possible me that i can, spurred on by Sir's constant encouragement."

this is the resolution which perhaps i haven't done as well in, though there are some new things that i have learnt this year - horse riding for example, and some new cooking skills. But i wanted to learn more, just didn't have the time. i have learnt a great deal about myself though, my identity and sexuality, so that aspect i am pleased with. So this resolution i am going to say i have kept as well as i could, given the time available to work on it.

Mood: thoughtful

Survey of the year - 2007

These are questions that i answered at the end of last year, so i thought i'd re-answer them now, so that i can compare 2007 to 2006, though to be honest they've both been really great years overall.

1. What did you do this year that you've never done before?

lots of things! - scened in front of other people, had sex with a woman in r/l, scened with a Domme, came to an understanding of myself as a slave and as polyamorous, drank piss from a man's cock, experienced triple penetration with 2 men, sunbathed naked, got engaged, made 'rude food', tried out ageplay online, came on demand without being touched.......

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

i'm going to do a special post on resolutions soon, but i think i have kept this year's resolutions and i definitely will make some for next year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth this year?

nobody close to me, although several people who i know through work or through Sir did.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Joshua did.

5. What countries did you visit this year?

The Maldives :)

6. What would you like to have in the next year that you lacked this year?

a baby, hehe! Actually, to have a happy and healthy baby is about the only 'thing' i want to have for this year, beyond what i've already got. If i can achieve that, then i'll be a very contented libby indeed.

7. What date from this year will remain etched upon your memory - and why?

4th August, the day we got engaged (also my birthday); also 21st December, the day i felt my baby move for the first time (for some reason i can't remember the actual date i found out i was pregnant). And 31st May, the day i found out i had miscarried my first baby.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

wow, this is always a tough question because there's so many achievements that i'm proud about. i think the reason i've made so much progress again this year is due to Sir's constant guidance and training and encouragement, without that i wouldn't be anywhere near where i am now. Overall, my biggest achievement this year was probably breaking through my toilet play limit, and coming to accept and even enjoy some elements of piss play. That took a lot of work and trust on my part, and i'm so glad to have been able to do it. my other major achievement this year could be classed as a breakthrough in self-understanding, once again, as this year i have moved on from thinking of myself as a submissive, to accepting myself as a slave and a poly one at that!

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?

not much illness aside from the usual couple of colds, but i did develop anaemia as part of my pregnancy, which had me in hospital for most of a day while they sorted it out.

10. What did you get really, really, really excited about this year?

my birthday, our holiday to the Maldives, our collaring anniversary, and being pregnant.

11. What song will always remind you of this year?

'chasing cars' by Snow Patrol; i played it constantly for quite a few months of this year and it brings back happy memories of snuggling on the sofa with Sir, sitting in the kitchen watching Him cook, or driving in the car with Him someplace, which is the times i used to listen to it most. i think it really sums up being with Sir, living with Him, sharing my life with Him :)

12. Compared to this time last year, are you: - happier or sadder? - richer or poorer? - thinner or fatter?

happier, although i wouldn't have thought that was possible this time last year; a little bit richer because i got a promotion at work; fatter because of my pregnancy!

13. What do you wish you'd done more of?

horse riding, when i still had the chance before i got pregnant; scening with flamesoul but things always seem to get in the way.

14. What do you wish you'd done less of?

not sure there's anything, actually.

15. Did you fall in love this year?

kind of...... i think it was more like i realised that i was in love with flame, even though i had been for a while it was difficult for me to recognise it as such.

16. What was your favorite TV program for the year?

i didn't enjoy Big Brother as much as usual, so i'll have to say Strictly Come Dancing instead, but again i hardly watched TV at all.

17. What was the best book you read this year?

i haven't done as much reading this year as i normally do, but i really enjoyed 'The girls' by Lori Lansens.

18. What was your favorite film of the year?

'Pirates of the Caribbean 3' and also the latest Harry Potter movie, i thought they were both really well done.

19. Who was the best new person you met this year?

hmmmm not sure of this one...... oh, i know, i'm going to say all the gorgeous special children in my new unit because they bring so much happiness to my life.

20. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned for this year.

that sometimes, who i think i am is not who i really am, but just who i was brought up to believe i was. And if i really look inside myself to find the real me, i may well be surprised (in a good way) by what i discover.

Mood: reflective

Review of the year

It's getting to the end of another year (and yes, it has gone incredibly quickly once again!), so it's time for me to look back at the events of 2007 and reflect on both my progress and my difficulties this year. i've chosen to do this in the same way as i did for 2006, with a short summary of the main events for each month, followed by a slideshow of photos to represent the year as a whole. But i also read somewhere that if you post the first sentence or two, of the first blog post for each month, you'll end up with a pretty good summary of your year as a whole, so i'm going to try that too:

Jan: "Happy New Year everyone!! i'm feeling happy and content today, having had a great night out with 2 friends last night."

Feb: "Because of the confusion in my head at the moment about what exactly i am, and other such things............. Sir invited me to join in with His weekly discussion session with flamesoul. And the topic was 'differences between subs and slaves'."

Mar: "Today i have felt very down, and i have no idea why. i woke up feeling sad and didn't want to go to work today (which is very unusual), i've been irritable with the children at nursery all day, i've felt out of sync with Sir today and several times He's had to remind me to do things that normally i do automatically for Him (like bring Him the newspaper to read or refill His drink), and i'm not even looking forward to seeing Amy tonight."

Apr: "i have been further exploring ageplay and more specifically my innerchild 'lil' libs' by posting and chatting on Guardian Island, and by starting some roleplay/scenes with flamesoul. And so far it's going really well :)"

May: "A little while ago i wrote a post on how my feelings about online D/s relationships had changed, mainly because i was able to witness the development of a solely online relationship between my friend flamesoul and the Dom who is now her Master. There have been some hurdles to overcome in this relationship, as in any relationship, particularly (i think) D/s relationships."

Jun: "Sir and i are just spending time together today, cuddling and talking and helping each other. Sir is being really gentle and caring with me - He held me in His arms all last night as we slept, we had a long soak in His big corner bath this morning, He took a long time brushing my hair for me, things like that."

Jul: "For some reason i had completely forgotten about the fact that Sir had some outstanding dungeon furniture on order, until the man came round to deliver the 'wooden pony' to our house today! It's a very scary looking piece of equipment, with a pointed top (not completely pointed cos it is rounded off a bit, but still bad enough), and it can be raised or lowered using the central post to make it different heights."

Aug: "Yesterday i had my first ever 'Domme' session with DarkWhispers (flamesoul's Domme nick), as part of my new training. i think it went well for my first time, better than i had expected, DW was understanding and gentle and patient and encouraging, and nothing went 'wrong'...... but i'm a little confused about my feelings really."

Sep: "i can't believe it's already been a year since i got collared by Sir, i can still remember so well the mix of nervousness and excitement the night before, all the preparations and the looking forward to it, how fantastic that day was and how much i enjoyed it, and how i quickly settled into my new life in Sir's house and realised that i had definately made the right decision. And yet in other ways it seems like i have been collared by Sir for much longer than a year, it seems strange to think that we've known each other for less than 2 years in total, because our journey together has been so involved and so complex that it must have taken longer than that."

Oct: "Sorry i haven't written here for a while, but i've been really tired recently, and now i know why...... i'm pregnant!! :) i wrote a more detailed post about it over on my other blog, but just wanted to say here that me and Sir are both very happy and excited about it even though it's early days yet."

Nov: "Ok, so it's been over a year since i first started this blog, but yesterday marks the one year point of me having a counter which has recorded how many people visit this site. And it's been so many more than i initially thought - after one year i've had over 40,000 visitors!!"

Dec: "i have been given quite a few new tasks recently, by my Master, in order to keep me feeling slave-like despite being pregnant, and i am very grateful for that because i need to feel that i am still serving Him and still making progress despite not being able to do everything i used to. i thought it would be a good idea to list the tasks here, both to remind me about them, and also so i can chart my progress on them."

January - the year didn't start off too well to be honest, because i had a bad case of what Sir calls 'the jitters', where i questioned exactly who and what i am, felt stuck with my training, and was generally unsettled and off-centre for a few weeks. There were some good points to the month, though - our second piece of dungeon furniture was delivered, and my best sub friend flamesoul got collared (although this relationship later broke down, it was good for a while).

February - this was a month for new experiences and for growth and progress - i experienced triple penetration for the first time, made progress in my squirting training, and most importantly came to an acceptance of my identity as a slave and a better understanding of myself as a result. We also had a visit from a vanilla friend of Sir's, which was interesting and enjoyable, and i was whisked away to a posh hotel to celebrate Valentine's Day and Sir's birthday, so overall February was a good month!

March - this was a mixed month, a month of endings and beginnings. It saw the completion of one of the first things Sir ever trained me in - 'positive body image' - and i was very glad to see that one finished at last! The 'new experiences' sessions also came to an end which i was sad about because on the whole they had been exciting and enjoyable. But i was very busy getting the new special needs unit ready at work, and things were developing in my relationship with Amy too - we had our first kiss this month. There was also the issue of a difficult punishment to accept and come to terms with, and i started to fully appreciate the realities of being a slave.

April - this was a month for new beginnings really, which is appropriate considering it was spring and Easter! i started work on the 'Academy' tasks, the new 'endurance' sessions began, as well as work on my 'toilet play' limit, Sir asked me to explore my feelings about ageplay and i became quite infatuated with the topic for a while, and i also discovered and started using polls on my blog. i was busy at work too because the new unit opened and i was ironing out all the little teething problems with that. So on the whole, April was a time of growth and progress and opportunities.

May - this was probably the worst month of the year because i spent most of it feeling on a rollercoaster emotionally, continually 'up and down' for no apparent reason. Sir was ill for quite a while too, so i was tending to Him, and then i discovered that i'd had a miscarriage, which was very difficult to comprehend and deal with. The only positive thing about May was my first sexual experience with a woman in r/l, but to be honest that is overshadowed by everything else that occured.

June - this was a very quiet month, a time for working through our feelings about Joshua, for spending time together just me and Sir, for healing and accepting and moving on. Most of my training was suspended, so no real progress to talk about. But i do remember a really great day out at Tropical Wings :)

July - things got back to normal this month and i resumed my training and made some progress - i completed the toilet play exploration and started on some needles limit work, and i made a girl cum in r/l for the first time ever. (Actually that turned out to be less of a huge event than i thought it would.) i was also busy working on the garden, researching Gor, and trying out the new wooden pony which had been delivered. But the thing that i will remember most about July was the sudden and somewhat surprising realisation that i am in a poly relationship of sorts, and that flamesoul is my girlfriend, though once i was over the initial shock i was very pleased about this discovery :)

August - this was a brilliant month, possibly the best month of the year. Summer was here, and i was enjoying it fully, we got a gorgeous (though challenging) new boy at work, i had a fantastic birthday treat in London with dinner and a show, Sir and i went on a dream holiday to the Maldives which was the best holiday i have ever been on...... and most importantly of all, we got engaged on my birthday, an event which left me giddy and happy and excited for the rest of the year! i loved August!

September - this was once again a month of progress and stretching my boundaries. i began some tentative play with Dommes online, my 'presenting for a flogging' training was finally completed after many months of hard work, and i did much better than i expected at the BDSM dinner party Sir arranged. It was also a time for celebrations, because we had our first collaring anniversary this month, and i got a beautiful necklace to use as my 'vanilla' collar, and had a tattoo done as my present to Sir.

October - this was the month i found out i was pregnant, which was a lovely surprise! There were some down sides though, because i found it difficult initially to adjust to the changes in my training and rules which this necessitated, and i had another month of feeling very tired. i was worried when i found out that flamesoul was poorly with heart/lung problems, but thankfully this is being treated now. Lots of good points about this month, though - i enjoyed watching Sir's tank driving experience, we got a new car and had a great day out at 'Monkey world'.

November - the month for getting new things - our kitchen, my wedding dress, another corset, my glider chair, and the final piece of dungeon furniture. There was also the long-anticipated 'dungeon opening' party which went really well in the end despite my nervousness, and i spent lots of time making wedding preparations and plans. my relationship with Amy ground to a bit of a halt this month, though, which i was sad but accepting about.

December - a happy month on the whole, with lots of Christmas events at work and with friends and family, all of which i really enjoyed. me and Sir had a great Christmas together and i got loads of really lovely presents, including one from my baby when i felt it move for the first time :) A couple of more difficult events though - i got punished for being 'catty' and i was rushed to hospital when severe anaemia made me collapse at work, but that's all sorted now.

Overall, i think i've had a really good year, with plenty of progress and growth. i think i've changed a lot during this year and i'm now a lot more settled in my slave identity and role, and i can see more clearly the areas i need to develop in. my relationship with Sir feels even stronger than before, and i feel a lot more connected to flamesoul too. Yes there have been sad and challenging moments this year, but i feel the good times far outweigh the bad, and the support from Sir and flamesoul has got me through the difficult times, ready to face a new year and whatever surprises that will bring!

Mood: reflective

The results are in!

i have now closed my latest poll, on which of my limits other subs/slaves share, and i think the results are really interesting. Here they are:

~ children = 21 votes

~ scat = 19 votes

~ animals = 18 votes

~ needles = 14 votes

~ blood = 14 votes

~ spitting = 6 votes

~ play with the same sex = 5 votes

~ breath play = 4 votes

~ face slapping = 4 votes

~ single-tail whips = 2 votes

~ other = 1 vote ("ageplay")

i am relieved to see that everyone who voted had children as a limit, but i am a bit surprised that not all of them also had animals as a limit; i knew that scat would be a limit for lots of people, but some of the others i am surprised by how few people voted - such as play with the same sex and breath play. But overall, it reassures me to see that other subs do share many of my limits and i am not being too fussy by having them as such. And of course i will continue to work on those limits with my Master as He requires.

PS. Please vote on my next poll when i post it - thanks :)

Mood: thoughtful

Our Christmas

me and Sir had a great Christmas again this year. The various visits to/from family were much easier for me this year, because i feel that i know Sir's family (especially His mother) better now, and my parents get on well with Him (they even invited Him round for dinner without me earlier in the year, and apparently that went well), and now that i know my sister is ok with the type of relationship that Sir and i have it is much easier visiting her as well. i no longer worry so much about slipping up by calling Him 'Sir' in front of everyone, and i am able to 'serve' Him still, just in much more subtle ways, a bit like when we go out in public. And, of course, much of the topic of conversation at these various family gatherings, were centred around our wedding plans and my pregnancy and our baby plans, so that made things go easier too. And it was lovely to spend some more time with Sir's brother's children - they are going to be my bridesmaid and page boy at our wedding.

The best day of all was of course Christmas Day, and once again i was so pleased that me and Sir had decided to spend it by ourselves, just the two of us, because i can be so much more relaxed and 'myself' in that situation. i can properly be my slave girl, submissive self, without having to restrict it or hide it or lessen it or whatever, and i think that's important for special days like Christmas and birthdays and Valentine's Day. We started off with a lazy breakfast in bed of smoked salmon and bagels and fruits and juice, which was really nice, then Sir let me open my stocking presents. i still put a stocking up which Santa kindly fills for me every year! These tend to be smaller, cheaper presents, but i still look forward to opening them just the same. This year Santa was very good to me, and got me some lip glosses that i like, a new mascara, a 'feet treat' set (with lovely moisturisers and foot buffs and stuff in), some pretty hair grips, and some sexy panties which will fit under my bump so i can wear them throughout my pregnancy.

Then we went straight downstairs and opened up all of the other presents sitting under the tree because i got really excited and just couldn't wait! i got soooo many nice things, but my favourites were:

a beautiful watch with diamonds and a mother of pearl dial,

a hugeeeeeee beanbag which is more like a body pillow really because it is very supportive and me and Sir can both lay on there together

a 'Chocolate experience' day for me and Sir to both do together, which involves a top chocolate chef teaching us how chocolates are made, and then we get to design our own truffle fillings and toppings/decorations and make them, and we take a box of 50 of our own truffles home that we have made! (i am really excited about this)

a black 'babydoll' which is open at the front to allow my tummy to grow, and it come with matching panties with a cute little ruffle on. i feel sooooo sexy when i wear this, and Sir can't keep His hands off me, hehe! Sir said He got me it to remind me that i am still beautiful and sexy while i am pregnant, and so far it's working really well because i do feel more confident about my body now.

i got Sir quite a few presents too, but the main one was a new coffee maker, which you buy special capsules for, and it can make 6 different types of coffee and also hot chocolate, and it came with a latte glass and a cappuccino mug. i worried that Sir would think i was cheating by buying Him this, because it is normally my job to make His coffee, but He said i was being a resourceful slave girl and ensuring that all His coffee will be perfect from now on :) i'm not allowed to write what else i got Him, but He was pleased with it all.

Sir cooked us a fantastic turkey dinner with all the trimmings, and i ate sooooo much of it, even though He had let me have plenty of snacks all morning to keep me going. And we had chocolate yule log and raspberry trifle for dessert, and plenty of cheese and biscuits to keep me happy. Then in the afternoon we snuggled up on the sofa together and watched films on the TV, and then Sir told me to change into my new lingerie, and we spent a lovely evening together (not allowed to write details, but it was enjoyable for both of us!)

So, a lovely Christmas overall, and i am such a lucky girl to get all those presents and to be able to spend time with my family and my Man! Hope you all had a great Christmas too, and got everything you wanted.

Mood: happy

It's Christmassssss!!

i have been very busy recently, getting properly into the Christmas spirit with lots of parties and events to go to. So i thought i'd write a quick post detailing what i've done.

At work, it has been a really lovely time of the year, as usual, but even more so with our special children. Not all of them really understand and anticipate Christmas but they all enjoy the parties and activities we do in the build up, and it's so sweet to see their happy little faces as they do. We have had a Christmas dinner, a Christmas party where Santa came, lots of Christmas art and craft sessions, Christmas sing-songs, and of course the Christmas show.

The nursery Christmas show was the most stressful of these events, because it's so hard to predict how the kids will react to performing in front of a big audience, and what they will do when they see their parents. But in the end, it all went really well and everyone said how adorable my class was in their part :) We did the 'Little Donkey' song, complete with signs for those who don't talk/sing, and all the children wore brown wooly hats to which we had attached sticky-up donkey ears. They were sooooooo cute!! We didn't actually do much beyond walk/crawl around and ring some bells during the chorus, but it didn't matter because everyone in the audience appreciated how much effort even that level of performance took. And i took photos of each of the children dressed up to remember it by :)

The afternoon that Santa came to the nursery, was my favourite of all the Christmas events though, because every single one of my children just sat in awe of him, waiting so excitedly for their turn to go up and get their present. We had chosen individualised presents, suitable for each child's interests and abilities, so they were all really pleased with them. And before Santa came, we helped each child make a list of what they wanted for Christmas, using symbols and photos, and he spent time with each of them on his lap, looking at their list and chatting to them about it. It was really sweet and made me cry (and again i took lots of photos) :)

i always enjoy this time of year at work because Christmas is truly made special by the reactions of children, and now that i am working with really special children, it is only made more so. i really appreciate how lucky i am to be doing this job.

Outside of work i have been busy too, going to several Christmas parties - one with the NCT (which i'll write about on my baby blog), one with the staff from work, which was a really nice dinner where we all got to chat and socialise and laugh together, and we all left stuffed full of delicious food; and one for Sir's work, which i really enjoyed this time around, after being so nervous about it last year. The only thing i was a bit worried about was what to wear without looking like a big fat frump, but Sir helped me find a lovely dress which skims over my tummy and looks really pretty, so that eased my concerns somewhat. The food was lovely as usual, though rather posh (lobster and all that), and i danced with Sir again like last year, but this time i didn't even worry about not knowing the steps, and we just made it up as we went along! i did get quite tired near the end of the evening, but everyone was really nice to me and they remembered me from last year, and were asking me about the pregnancy and stuff, which was nice. Apparently Sir talks about me a lot at work, which made me blush all shyly, but it's also lovely to know that He does.

So, some lovely Christmas events that i have enjoyed, and plenty more to come - yesterday we visited my mum and dad for lunch and to exchange presents, today we go to my sister's for dinner and more presents, and boxing day we visit Sir's mum and His brother's family will be there too, and we will swap yet more presents and get to spend time with Sir's niece and nephew. Christmas day itself, me and Sir are just spending together at home, with our own presents to open, and Sir is cooking us a proper turkey dinner with all the trimmings, and i plan to eat lots and lots of it! So, a nice mix of seeing family, and private time together, and i'm really excited and looking forward to tomorrow.

Merry Christmas to everyone, i hope you all have a great time and get everything you're hoping for.

Mood: cheerful

Sorry!

i know i've posted hardly at all this month, and that before that i had been posting less than normal, and i'm really sorry for it. It's important for my progress and growth and learning and confidence that i post regularly, so i'm going to make it a resolution for next year to aim for 25 or more posts per month. i know that my pregnancy and child-care issues may get in the way of that, but to be honest it really doesn't take all that long to sit down and write a post because i tend to be composing them in my head as i'm going about my daily stuff, so i'm going to make a real effort to do so.

Tomorrow i have some time, so i'm going to try to catch this blog up with everything that's been going on recently, and i've got quite a bit to write on my baby blog as well. Then after Christmas i plan to write about how everything went, and take a look back at this year as well as make some resolutions and plans for next year.

So, sorry to everyone who's been disappointed by the lack of posts recently, but rest assured that me, Master and the lil one are doing fine, and i'll try my best to post more frequently from now on!

Mood: apologetic

A tricky endurance

Yesterday, Sir arranged a surprise endurance session for me, which i wasn't really in the mood for at all, because i had been feeling fat and frumpy for the last couple of days. But i decided that He must have a good reason for doing one, and i remembered how bad it felt to fail one before, so i told myself i would do my absolute best with it and hope that would be enough.

It turned out to be quite a challenging endurance though - i was put on my back on the examination table, with the back raised so i was in a semi-sitting position with my legs up in the stirrups thingys. Then string was tied round my nipples, pulled taut and tied to my big toes, so that any movement at all but especially of my feet would cause the strings to pull on my nipples. i really struggled with this at first because it has been quite a while since i have had any form of nipple torment at all, and though they are a lot less tender now than at the beginning of my pregnancy, they are still rather sensitive. Sir let me get myself settled, with several calming breaths, before He began the real torment - using the wartenberg wheel on the soles of my feet and a feather on my stretched titties!!

i squealed and screamed and begged and pleaded and sobbed and giggled, and alllll sorts, but Sir just continued with what He was doing. i soon learnt to keep as still as i could and not to squirm because it really hurt my nipples to move, but it was very very difficult. And then a new feeling started to come over me, from having my nipples bound and stretched..... i realised that i needed to cum, so i begged Sir and luckily He let me :) i came hard and fast, and the movements made the strings pull on my nipples even more, which just added to my pleasure at that point. And just as i was coming down from that high, the timer went off and Sir stopped the session and released me.

i was so proud of myself for getting through it, and very surprised that i had been able to cum during that kind of session because there had been no stimulation to my clit whatsoever. And Sir was also very pleased with me, and i got a nice reward as usual for my efforts:

So a successful and somewhat surprising session!

Mood: celebrating

Limits task #2

Yes, i've finally gotten around to writing the second half of the limits task Sir set recently, to explore the reasons behind each of my current limits:

~ blood/cutting/branding/scarification/extreme pain - these are all types of 'play' which i find very scary and threatening, much the same as with needles and piercing. Basically, anything that involves damage to my body with long-lasting or permanent effects, i do not like the idea of at all and would probably panic if it were attempted on me; so that includes the cutting, branding and scarification aspects. With the blood, i have this as a limit at the moment because i associate blood (except for menstrual blood, obviously) with being 'hurt' and 'harmed', so it has a very negative connection in my mind. And i think this would carry through to me thinking of Sir in a negative way if He were to intentionally draw blood from me, because then He would have 'harmed' me.

The pain issue is more complex, because i do enjoy and crave erotic pain from Sir, and at times He pushes me beyond what i perceive to be my limits in this area and yet i still willingly accept it from Him with no repercussions afterwards. That's not to say that it's not difficult or painful or horrible at the time, but afterwards i am glad that i did it for Him. However, i know there is a limit as to what i could take, and if that limit were to be crossed and Sir were to inflict 'extreme' pain on me (which is a subjective term i know because it means different things to each person), then i would place this in the 'harm' category, as with blood, and it would have a negative impact on my relationship with Sir.

All of these limits i would class as being natural, instinctive ones for humans to have because they are to do with survival and protecting oneself. But i also think that the blood one does have its origins in my past because when i was little, if i hurt myself my mum would always check for blood, and the reaction was very different depending on whether i was bleeding or not - a quick rub if not, but much more fuss and attention involving cleaning up and plasters and cuddles if i was bleeding. So i think this has somehow led to me classing 'blood' as a serious thing, not to be meddled with. But i am aware that this is an area Sir wants to explore with me in future, and i will do my best to get beyond these conceptions that i still hold about it.

~ flame play/ gun or knife play/ fantasy rape or kidnapping/ violence - these are limits for similar reasons to the area above - because i place them in the 'harmful, abusive' category and therefore it would badly affect my relationship and trust with Sir should He do any of them. i just can't see the appeal in any of these activities; the exhiliration behind the fear that other subs talk about just isn't there with these, not for me.

Again, the main origin for these limits that i can think of is self-preservation and natural instincts. Also, growing up i was taught to have a very negative view of all of the above - fire, guns, knives, rape, kidnapping, violence - and so that affects my view on them now.

~ face slapping/ spitting - i have these as limits because i know i would react really badly should they be done to me, and also because i don't think this is the kind of relationship that Sir and i have. Yes, He is my Master and can do whatever He likes to me, but the love aspect is also there and i need to know that He cares for me and only gives me pain or rules or activities which i do not like, in order to help me grow and to satisfy the needs within me. None of which would be achieved by face-slapping or spitting.

i can trace my difficulty with face-slapping to one single incident from my past, which i do not want to go into here, but when someone i cared for very much slapped my face in anger one time, and it caused me to withdraw from them for quite some time. The spitting one i have never had done to me, but it is just something i find repulsive and gross, and also i think it shows a lot of contempt for the person being spat on, and again that just isn't the type of dynamic Sir and i have.

~ polygamy/ being given away/ prostitution - polygamy is a difficult area to explain, because i do class myself as poly, but only in a narrow definition of the term - i have a loving, sexual relationship with a girl online, and i had a sexual relationship with another girl in r/l and would be prepared to do so again with the right person. However, there is no doubt that my primary relationship is with Sir, and that overrides all others. Polygamy is a limit for me in the sense that i would not be able to tolerate being expected to form a loving/sexual relationship with another man (except for submitting to play with other Dom friends of Sir, which has happened occasionally, but i see this more as submitting to Sir through them); nor would i be able to tolerate Sir having any loving/sexual relationships with anyone else. i would just be eaten up with jealousy and resentment if that happened.

The other two areas are more firm limits with me, in that i feel they would damage me immensely should they ever be done to me. i love my Master and i need to know that He loves me in order to function well within our relationship, and i would feel that being given away or hired out for money, would represent the fact that He no longer loved me or cared about me or respected me, and i would just be crushed and devastated.
i think i have the polygamy limit partly because i was always presented, growing up, with a monogamous viewpoint on life, which i have been able to overcome to some degree in accepting that i am poly to the extent detailed above. However, my natural jealousy and insecurity will not allow me to accept a similar situation on Sir's side, which may sound selfish and two-faced but i can't help it. The other two, i'm not really sure where they come from, just my personal views i guess.

~ single-tail whips - this is a limit which took me by surprise, because it's one which i had no idea was a limit for me until Sir tried it out on me one day and i had a bad reaction to it. Having a single-tail whip used on me makes me feel very very bad inside, like i am useless and worthless and disgusting, and it also makes me feel like the person using it on me hates me, is repulsed by me and wants to harm me..... which obviously is not a very beneficial feeling to have! It's specifically to do with the stinging, burning, cutting feel of the whip, not the look or the shape or the smell of it, nor the way it moves or the sound it makes, because i actually like all of those. i can watch someone else being whipped but this is difficult for me because it brings back the negative emotions to some extent, although nowhere near the same intensity as when it was used on me.

To be honest i have no idea where this limit comes from. i have never experienced a whip before the time Sir used one on me, and can think of nothing from my past which may have caused me to react in that way. But i am willing to try to work through this limit with Sir, should He wish to.

~ sex/ play down there during my period - this is a limit for me because of something that happened when i was miscarrying earlier this year, but i do not want to go into details. i don't think this will ever be removed as a limit because it will just take me back to that time, and make me feel very very sad.

Mood: edgy

New tasks

i have been given quite a few new tasks recently, by my Master, in order to keep me feeling slave-like despite being pregnant, and i am very grateful for that because i need to feel that i am still serving Him and still making progress despite not being able to do everything i used to. i thought it would be a good idea to list the tasks here, both to remind me about them, and also so i can chart my progress on them:

~ i am to answer the questions from the comments made on my last Academy task, and then request a new task (preferably written).

~ i am to revise my blackjack 'croupier' skills, and also learn the rules of poker, ready for more card nights Sir plans with His friends.

~ i am to complete the last half of my 'limits' post, exploring the reasoning behind each of them; and then start a new section of posts discussing which limits i think i could work on the easiest, and how i think it would be best to go about introducing me to them.

~ i am to research and practice the 'Japanese tea ceremony', first just for Sir but maybe in future for His guests as well.

~ i am to answer all the questions flamesoul wrote on her site, perhaps doing a small number of them per week.

~ i am to carry out research into areas of BDSM play i have not experienced so far (even areas i have no wish to experience); and i am to research and learn a new play-related skill for my Master.

Lots to keep me busy there!

Mood: busy

A catty girl

For the last few days i have felt in a bit of a pissy/cranky mood at times, with no real reason except i guess pregnancy hormones. i know that i have been more snappy and impatient than usual, and also that it has made me more fidgety and antsy, and less able to concentrate and focus. i hoped it was just a short phase that i would be able to get through without incident, but unfortunately yesterday it got worse and led to me getting myself in trouble with Sir. As always i am required to write about it here:

We had gone shopping for the afternoon, to get me some maternity clothes (which i will write about on my baby blog), so i should have felt happy and excited, but instead i was just getting annoyed with all the people in our way, and all the walking around and trying things on and queueing up it entailed. Which isn't like me at all because normally i lovvvvvvvve shopping. And i was also aware that i was being fairly surly and snappy with Sir, making sarcastic comments, giving Him one-word answers and using a less-than-respectful tone. i can't remember exactly what i said now, but i know there were two occasions when He gave me a warning about my behaviour, using *that* voice and *that* look which should have been enough to jolt me out of whatever pissy mood i was in. But it wasn't and i carried on, not able to stop myself for some reason. (Actually part of me was thinking "yeah, and what are You going to do about it, seeing as i'm pregnant so You can't use most of the usual punishments?" - how stupid can you get??!)

The comment that finally tipped Sir over the edge and made Him declare that "enough is enough" was this one: (Sir was trying to convince me to try on this maternity dress that He liked and i hated) "You wear it then if You like it so darn much". As soon as i said it i knew i was in deep trouble, and without a word Sir took my arm and walked me back to the car and we drove home in silence. But even on the way back part of me was still in a pissy mood, thinking that at least i would get to rest at home away from the annoying shops and the 'silly' questions. Looking back on it now i am ashamed that i even thought those things, but i was in such a funk at the time.

When we got home Sir told me that if i wanted to make 'catty' remarks, i should be dressed as a cat, and then He produced a headband with cat's ears attached and a buttplug with a cat's tail attached and put them on/in me (i was surprised because He had obviously made both items, in preparation for this type of punishment being needed at some point?). He also drew some whiskers on my cheeks in black eye-liner, and told me i would need to stay as a cat for the rest of the evening, including on the chatrooms when i went there later, and i would need to change my nick and my description accordingly.

i was really embarrassed and ashamed by this punishment because i hate looking silly or dressing up as silly things, and the fact that everyone on the chatroom got to know about it made it even worse. But flamesoul was really good to me and joined me in dressing up as a cat so i didn't feel so alone with it. And i have to admit that it was a really effective punishment because it just wasn't possible to be pissy or cranky or 'catty' whilst dressed as a cat, so i just curled at my Master's feet for the evening feeling very subdued and sorry. Sir had a talk with me before bedtime, telling me what i did wrong and explaining that though He will make some concessions for my pregnancy, He will not tolerate that kind of behaviour, and i told Him how sorry i was, how i knew i had been wrong and i would try hard never to be so rude to Him again. And He forgave me and we went to bed and He snuggled me until i fell asleep.

So it was all Ok in the end, except for my bottom being a bit sore from the plug and my ego being a bit bruised. But i think that's just what i needed because today i am in a very content, submissive little mood. And as flamesoul said, Sir's lessons always teach me important things. So, thank You Sir for punishing me when i needed it.