Becoming a mum

May 27, 2008

Becoming a mum

Hi everyone, it's 8:30am here and i've just finished feeding Poppy and laid her down for yet more sleeping (that's all she seems to do at the moment - feed and sleep, oh and poop as well!) i'm sitting here in bed next to Sir, with Poppy in her crib on the other side of me, and i'm just grinning about how lucky i am to have both of them. This is my family, and i can't imagine a more loving and better-suited fiance for me, or a more beautiful baby girl. So i'm sitting here propped up in bed, brimming over with happiness, far too awake to doze any more but far too comfy to get up and shower and all that yet. So i decided to use my laptop for a while, to come online and catch up with everyone's messages and blogs, and to update everyone on the birth and what's happened since. This post is going to contain some quite graphic details about childbirth, so if you don't like all that you might want to skip it!

my contractions began about 12:oo midday on the Saturday. They started off feeling like period pains in my tummy, and although i suspected what they were, i wasn't sure for a while. But i told Sir i was getting some 'cramps' and He said "this could be it, libs", and we both waited expectantly to see what would happen. At first they were pretty far apart, and i would get them at random intervals - sometimes 20 minutes apart, sometimes up to 40 minutes, and they didn't last too long (about 30 seconds or so) and they weren't that strong either, just uncomfortable. Sir suggested that i have a shower, which actually helped with the cramping too so i spent quite a while in there with the water aimed at my belly. Sir was really good throughout the whole time we were at home, because He kept me nice and calm and gave me clear instructions to help keep me focused on what i needed to do, and also He made good suggestions - about taking a shower, having something to eat and drink, trying different positions, etc.

Around 3:00pm it felt like the contractions had stopped, and i was a bit disappointed that it was a 'false' labour, but Sir suggested i take a little nap on the sofa incase it turned out to be the real thing after all. i managed to doze off pretty much straight away, and i think i had some contractions in my sleep because i remember dreaming about them. When i woke up it was about 4:30pm and the contractions had returned with a vengence! They were coming about every 10 minutes by then, and were much stronger than before, and were starting in my belly and moving round to my back. Sir helped me to kneel resting/laying over the gymball and He massaged the bottom of my back for me, which really helped, and in between contractions i just gently rocked over the ball. i was getting some 'bloody show' now too, and things felt like they were really happening, so Sir phoned the hospital and was told that we could come in whenever we wanted to. i decided to stay at home a little while longer, because i knew that once we got to the hospital there could still be a long wait until the birth, and i would be more relaxed and comfortable at home.

By 7:00pm i was finding the contractions much more painful and couldn't find a good position to get into anymore, even with the ball, so we decided to drive to the hospital. Sir had been timing all the contractions and noting them down to show to the midwives, and He said that by then they were 5-7 minutes apart. i don't remember much about the car journey, except that it was uncomfortable and i didn't want to be crammed into that sitting position, but Sir told me to close my eyes and breathe slow and deep, and He kept talking me through it and before i knew it He was helping me out of the car at the hospital! When we first got there i was taken through to a birthing room and examined by a nurse, who told me that i was 4cms dilated and in the 'active phase' of labour. i remember feeling really excited about this progress, but she just smiled and said "there could be a way to go yet". i remember her doing all kinds of tests and checks, such as blood pressure, heartbeat, temperature, etc, and fussing round a lot, and i was feeling a bit frustrated because i just wanted to be allowed to move around and use my gymball and have Sir to hold me. But she did listen to Poppy's heartbeat with a Doppler and that was nice to hear it so strong and regular.

Finally the nurse left me alone, and i quickly stripped out of the nasty hospital gown and tried out different positions on the gymball. The best one seemed to be sitting on it, leaning forward against the bed, with Sir behind me massaging my back with the tennis-balls-in-a-sock massager we made in antenatal class! The midwife came in to see us, and it was one of the ladies i had met a few times when i went in for my hospital check-ups, so it was nice to see a familiar face. She was really reasurring, and had a copy of our birth plan with her which she read through again, and said she'd do her best to stick as closely to it as possible. She started to say that as my waters hadn't broken yet, they would normally offer to break them artificially but she gathered from the birth plan that i didn't want that, and then i suddenly felt a gush down below and Sir was like "oh....." sitting behind me, and it turned out they'd just broken by themselves! i was getting a lot more pain by then, so the midwife suggested i try the 'gas and air' machine, and it was great and really helped. It kind of makes you feel a bit floaty and distant from the hurting, a bit like when you're going into subspace in a scene! Time went a bit hazy at that point, but i remember one moment when i was rocking backwards and forwards whilst sitting on the ball, telling the midwife everything i *didn't* want for the birth, in between taking gulps of the gas and air: "please no needles, and no epidural, and no IV drip, and no injections, and no cutting, and no forceps, and no stitches". i think i said it quite a few times, because Sir started stroking my hair saying "I think she's got it, libs", and then He suggested we try the birthing pool, and i kind of looked up in surprise cos i'd completely forgotten it was there!

So at about 10:00pm i got into the birthing pool, and Sir got in to support me, and it was just the most lovely feeling ever, to be sinking my tired hurting body into the warm waters. i got into a kind of sitting up but leaning back position, with Sir behind me holding my bump. And the midwife gave me the gas and air to use again, but after a few contractions i stopped using it because i realised i didn't need it any more. Yes the contractions still hurt, but it was a much more manageable pain than when i'd been out of the pool. The midwife had to stay in with us whilst i was in the pool, so Sir asked her to put on the relaxing music CD He'd made for me, and also the aromatherapy oil burner. And i remember feeling quite relaxed, well as much as it's possible to relax while in labour! The midwife was really discreet and pretty much left us alone as much as she could, except for checking Poppy's heartbeat now and then, and sieving stuff out of the water to keep it clean. So it felt like it was just me and Sir there together, and He was talking to me quietly about what His hopes for Poppy were, how He wanted her to be when she grew up, and it was just a lovely experience to know she was coming, and i was safe in Sir's arms in the lovely soothing water. The midwife kept reminding me to get out and use the toilet regularly, and Sir was encouraging me to drink and to have little snacks from the food He had brought with us. At some point the midwives changed shifts, and we got a new one, but i recognised her as well, and she was also very discreet, so that was all good. At one point a doctor came in to check on how it was all going, and when he looked at my records he said that the dilation was happening pretty slow, and started offering me drugs to speed it up. But Sir was very good at speaking up for me, and He showed the doctor my birth plan and explained that i didn't want that unless there was a problem with Poppy, so the doctor had me get out so he could examine me, and he listened to Poppy's heartbeat and did a few other things, and he said that she was doing well, so we opted to let things continue progressing at their own speed.

The next thing i really remember is being in the pool with Sir still, but getting very restless and needing to try out different positions because the contractions seemed to be coming really fast and strong and overwhelming me, and the pressure in my pelvis was really bad by then. So Sir helped me try kneeling and squatting and all kinds of positions, and i used the gas and air but it didn't really help any more, and i was getting very anxious and just wanting things to stop for a while so i could 'catch up'. Apparently i even told Sir that i'd "changed my mind and don't want to do this anymore", but i don't remember saying that. And all of a sudden i announced that i needed to be out of the pool, so i was helped out and dried off and taken to the bed, and Sir was there and He was talking to me trying to calm me down because i was feeling really anxious and upset. The midwife checked me again and i was 9cms dilated (it was about 3:00am then), and she told me that it would be time to start pushing really soon, but i didn't want to and i kept asking for it all to stop. Sir helped me by getting out the ultrasound photo of Poppy and some of the clothes we'd brought along to dress her in, and putting them on a table where i could see them, and He was reminding me that soon i would be holding her, and telling me to focus on those things and think of my baby, and that helped me get through that horrible time. Then i started feeling sick, and i was a bit sick, and a nurse appeared who was going to be there for the birth, and the doctor came back in but i really didn't want him there, so he had to go again, and everything just felt like it was out of control. If it hadn't been for Sir there, soothing me and reassuring me i think i would have completely lost it at that point.

Suddenly i got an urge to push, so i told the midwife and when she checked me i was fully dilated and ready, and things moved onto the next stage. At about 4:00am i was told i was ready to push, and should do so through each contraction. By then i was feeling very tired and also my legs were shaky and my feet were cold, so Sir put some thick woolly socks on me, and then He got onto the bed with me and held me close and whispered to me that it was all going to be alright, and i was nearly there. And that reassured me a lot and i was able to focus on what i had to do. The pushing phase was easier than the end of the other phase had been, because there was something active i could do to get my baby out. There seemed to be longer between contractions now to rest, and during each one Sir would count slowly to five while i pushed then remind me to breathe and then start counting again for more pushing. That really helped me and i just focused on His voice, and blocked everything else out. In between contractions He was talking to me nice and calmly, telling me how well i was doing and helping me to relax by stroking my hair and using cool cloths on my face. i started off by squatting, but i found that a really tiring position even with Sir to support me, so i changed to kneeling on all fours and that was a really good position to be able to push in, so i stayed like that. They kept checking on Poppy, but each time i was told she was doing fine and not distressed at all, so that gave me renewed confidence and i just took one contraction at a time, and kept going.

i was aware of increasing pressure down there, and i was assured that was normal, and the baby's head was getting close. Someone was holding a warm cloth to my perineum, and i remember hoping that it wouldn't tear when she came out. Then the midwife and the nurse started getting excited, telling me they could see the top of her head, and she had lots of hair, and i was told to give a little push and then to stop pushing and pant for a while, to let the head come out slowly. That was probably the worst bit of all because the pressure down there was so intense and i just wanted to push hard and get her out, but Sir breathed with me and kept talking to me, and then there was a lot of stinging down there and they told me the head was out, and to push hard with the next contraction for the shoulders to be delivered. i remember a tugging sensation as i pushed and then i felt her slide out of me, and she was crying and i was crying, and Sir was helping me turn over and sit up and she was put on my belly/chest and she was finally there - my baby! She was born at 6:10am, about 18 hours after i felt the first contraction, and in some ways it seemed to go much quicker than that but at other points it felt like i'd been in labour forever! The moment when she was handed to me though was the best moment ever, and there really are no words to describe it :)

(This post has got wayyyyyyyyy longer than i expected, so i'm gonna stop here and write the rest another time). Part 2 coming soon! And big thanks to everyone for their lovely comments and messages :))