Guilt

May 30, 2008

Guilt

i found it quite hard to sleep last night, because i've got something on my mind, something which is bothering me and making me question myself, and i don't know how to resolve it. It's been making Poppy a bit more fussy than usual too, and she's not as contented while feeding as she has been, i think because my unease transfers to her even though she doesn't know the cause of it. i wish that it wasn't affecting her, but as i said i don't know what to do about it, and anyway after tomorrow i hope it will all blow over, and we can carry on as before. This post might get a bit jumbled because i'm just writing it as it comes into my head, but i think it's important for me to get it down in writing, so here goes.....

The reason i found it hard to sleep last night is that i'm feeling guilty. Guilty of being a bad mother and a bad person. Tomorrow is Joshua's 'anniversary', one year after that day when we went to the doctor and found out we'd lost him (even though i didn't realise i was pregnant at the time). And on that day i promised him that we'd never forget him, that we'd always love him and he'd always have a special place in our hearts. And i imagined myself doing something special to commemorate all his anniversaries, to remember my first little angel baby and never let him feel that we'd forgotten him. But now that it comes to it, i don't want to do anything to commemorate tomorrow for Joshua. It just seems pointless and like it will serve no purpose, and i keep telling myself i'll be busy with Poppy anyway and i won't really have time. Plus i'm still healing and don't really want to sit in the garden next to a bush for whatever length of time and also it's likely to be rainy and cold.

Sir says it's fine that we don't do anything, that Joshua will understand, but i'm not so sure. See the real reason that i don't want to commemorate tomorrow is because it will make me feel like a hypocrite. Because i got to thinking the other day that if Joshua had survived and gone on to be born, then i wouldn't have got pregnant with Poppy and i wouldn't have her now. And that thought made me very very sad, because i love Poppy soooooooo much and i can't imagine being without her now. But surely that makes me a bad mother because basically i'm saying that i love and value Poppy more than Joshua, that i'd choose her over him, that i'm glad he didn't survive if it meant that i got to have Poppy instead. And that means i am a very bad person for thinking like that, hence the guilt i have been feeling. i should love both of my children equally, and not have favourites, but i can't help it. So i've let Joshua down, and i can't face doing a special event for him tomorrow, knowing what a bad mum i am to him. i think it's best if i just let the day blow over, and carry on as 'normal'. But i just hope i can resolve my guilt somehow.