essay #2 - M/s v D/s v DD

November 09, 2008

essay #2 - M/s v D/s v DD

Today i am feeling like i need to do something constructive so Sir suggested working on some of my outstanding training. i've had the 'BDSM knowledge and skills' training for what seems like foreverrrrrrrrr so i've decided to get a move on and finish up the last 2 essays that Sir requires and then it will be done, so here goes: ~ what are the main differences between D/s, M/s and DD relationships, and do they all fall under the BDSM umbrella or not? From reading articles on this subject, it seems to me that although there are differences between these 3 types of relationship, the main difference is in people's preferences - what they want to identify with - rather than in actual lifestyles. i would say there are many more similarities between these 3 types of lifestyle, than there are differences, but for some reason people who are DD seem to dislike being associated with BDSM or D/s, and people who are D/s don't tend to view DD as being a 'proper' BDSM style relationship. So i'm going to look more closely at the main differences and then come to my own conclusion about whether they really do all fall under the BDSM umbrella. i've written before about the differences between subs and slaves, and this is really the same for the differences between D/s and M/s relationships - M/s takes it a degree further, makes the control more absolute and encompassing, has stricter rules and consequences, and extends the dynamic to all aspects of the couple's lives. Often there are more rituals and outward signs in a M/s relationship, such as a collar, a ceremony, a contract, a brand/piercing/tattoo, etc. And i tend to see M/s relationships as being intended as more of a lifetime commitment, though in reality i'm not sure how often that happens. So i would say that both M/s and D/s definitely fall under the BDSM umbrella because they contain elements of discipline, Domination, submission, and often bondage, sadism and masochism as part of the physical side (though not always) -it's just that M/s is further along the scale than D/s is. Now for the tricky part - analysing where DD fits into all this. i did a lot of reading on the 'Taken in Hand' site and also on this blog, and it seems i was right to think that most DDers don't want to be categorised as practicing BDSM. The articles i read seemed to think that DD dynamics are more about the relationship between the 2 people whereas D/s ones are more about the 'play' or 'scening' elements, though i would disagree with that from my own experience. There seem to be more rules and rituals in a D/s relationship, whereas DDers make it up as they go along - if the man decides the woman needs a spanking then he gives her one. There is less focus on roles within a DD relationship, so no need for contracts, rituals, agreements, etc. And DDers focus on the control of the man rather than the submissiveness of the woman - infact some DD women are spirited and bratty and mischievious rather than submissive. They want to be made to comply and disciplined when they don't, and that's seen as fine in the context of a DD relationship, whereas it would be seen as stepping out of line in a D/s one. But the main difference i noted was that DD relationships are more narrowly focused - they only use spanking as a means of control, and this is what they concentrate on. There's no mention of other activities/play/scenes beyond this, it's not necessarily seen as arousing or sexual, there's often no rules or rituals or contracts beyond 'the man makes all the decisions'. So maybe DD is a subset of BDSM, with a much narrower focus and not including all the other elements? There is discipline involved, and some would say sadism and masochism (though DDers are often reluctant to identify with those terms), and there is Dominance and submission because the woman has agreed to let the man take the lead and spank her at will. There may not be bondage but that's only a small part of the BDSM umbrella in my view.

So after that rather long rambling paragraph, my conclusions are that DD, D/s and M/s all fall under the BDSM umbrella, but that DD is much more narrowly focused than the other 2 and this is what causes the issues with categorising it. D/s and M/s definitely are BDSM lifestyles, with one being more extreme than the other, and there is wide variation of types of both relationships. DD dynamics tend to be much more similar to each other than D/s or M/s ones do, it is like a specialised branch of BDSM, to my mind at least. And lastly, i don't think it really matters whether D/s people view DD as being part of BDSM or whether DD people identify themselves with the BDSM lifestyle - everyone is entitled to call themselves whatever they want to, but in my opinion at least i will continue to view DD, D/s and M/s all as types of BDSM dynamics.

(Articles used: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ).