a submissive's musings: December 2008

review of the year - 2008

Like i did last year, i've decided to do the year's review in 2 ways - by posting the first sentence from the first blog of each month, and by looking back over the main events of each month, so here goes:

January: "It's time to make some plans and resolutions for the year ahead, and i've spent quite a bit of time thinking about what i want to achieve this year."

February: "Sir has recently started reading to Poppy every night before we go to sleep, so that she gets used to His voice, and also so that we can have something familiar to try to soothe her with once she is born."

March: "i forgot to write about the new charm i got for my bracelet, to celebrate my achievement in completing the endurance training."

April: "i hope that some of you got to try out some April Fools' pranks on people today."

May: "today was my last day at work before i go on maternity leave, and i found it really hard because i had to say goodbye to all the fantastic children in the room."

June: "Now that things are starting to settle down here, and we're getting into a regular routine with Poppy and i'm starting to get used to being a mum, i can hear my 'slave voice' calling more and more strongly from within me, wanting more expression and a larger part in my life again, like before."

July: "i have spent quite a long time on BDSM chatrooms now and am beginning to be able to categorise the people on there into basic 'types'."

August: "Time for another 'flamesoul Friday' and today i am thinking about flame a lot because she should be packing up her life and moving 1500 miles to her new house anytime now, so i really hope it all works out for her!"

September: "So, as you can tell, i've been having major problems with my blog, and ended up having to get a whole new template."

October: "i've had a gadget in my sidebar for a while now which lets people leave voice messages for me, but it was only the other day that i got my first one."

November: "Today was the first of the new 'activity/fun' days which me and Sir are having every other Sunday morning, and i had no idea what we were doing today just that it was going to be good.... but it turned out to be so much better than i had ever expected cos we had a 'chocolate experience' day up in London!"

December: "Sorry for writing that last post on sadness and then going so quiet."

Jan - the year started off well, i was pregnant and happy about that and getting lots of pampering from people online and from Sir too as my tummy started growing bigger; i was feeling more at ease with my 'preggie slave' status and finally accepting the changes which were occuring in mine and Sir's dynamic; i was busy blogging about surveys and questions and 'flamesoul Fridays' to keep myself occupied; i was also in a reflective mood about aspects of D/s relationships and mine and Sir's in particular; but there were some difficult days at the end of the month when Joshua's due date came around and avid died unexpectedly, so i ended the month feeling sad.

Feb - Sir went away for a work conference week during this month and i missed Him lots, but got through it better than i thought i would, He missed His birthday and Valentine's Day but we celebrated both when He got home; i was busy practicing the Japanese tea ceremony and buying all the equipment for it; i was thinking about my limits as a slave, why i have them and how i can possibly get past them; and i remember having lots of appointments and check-ups for my pregnancy, but overall February was a good month this year.

Mar - this was the month when the naked preggie photos of me were taken, which initally i was unsure about but i was soooo impressed when i saw the final product; i was getting lots of attention and (gentle) scenes on P&H as my body continued to change; we had Easter which was fun, and i got sent on a fantastic spa day where i had an aromatherapy full body massage and a Thai foot massage, both of which were lovely; i remember thinking a lot about what Poppy would be like, and how to integrate her into our D/s household; overall March was a very happy month.

Apr - i remember April being a very busy month, with lots of preparations for Poppy's imminent arrival, plus our new cleaning lady started, we chose our wedding rings, went to a casino evening to help me learn how to play poker; spring was late coming because we had some snow this month but once it did come we took full advantage of it and went to a farm and spent lots of time outside; i was put on a sex ban for the last few weeks of my pregnancy but continued to be spoiled by Sir; i started researching different BDSM activities as a project Sir set me, and we revised my rules for after Poppy would be born - lots of things happened, but i remember feeling excited and hopeful for the future this month.

May - i started my maternity leave this month but didn't feel bored like i feared i might; i passed my tea ceremony training and met the Domme who is going to help train me in future; but for most of this month i was feeling restless and anxious about the birth and becoming increasingly cranky and snappy; i went into labour on 24th, gave birth on 25th and brought our new baby home on 26th, feeling sooooooooooo happy and relieved it was over and totally in love with our little girl already :) - so a great ending to a stressful month.

Jun - this month was almost completely taken up with looking after Poppy, though i do remember celebrating Father's Day with Sir, and having our first sex for quite a number of weeks!

Jul - another month devoted to getting used to having a new baby, but things started settling down this month, and i was feeling like a balance was being found between my 2 roles of mother and slave, i remember feeling contented with life this month, me and Sir had a training talk and set some goals for me and Sir bought some new toys and tried them out!

Aug - another busy month - flame moved houses, it was mine and her birthdays but we didn't see each other much for either of them, i had a lovely spa day treat for my birthday though which really helped soothe my postnatal body; i started getting back into my training by trying out ageplay with Doms online and flirting with girls in channel, and i passed my cooking skills training and learnt prostate massage, which is a great skill; i started having mother and baby massages and tried out IMVU chat; and me and Sir were busy with wedding plans and preparations - a very busy month!

Sept - some good points to this month, such as mine and Sir's 2nd collaring anniversary, my realisation that i have a poy family, my first scene with a girl in channel other than flame, my neekid poker croupier evening, and time spent making new friends on IMVU, but the whole month i was getting increasingly bratty and feeling not myself, and this culminated in me being diagnosed with postnatal depression, so not a great month overall.

Oct - i spent this month trying to come to terms with my diagnosis and new routine, consisting of counselling, doctor's visits, Indian head massages, as well as starting baby swim and sign classes with Poppy; i remember feeling lots of guilt this month, and Poppy was poorly with her first cold for a while, but there were good points too - a newbie sub emailed me and we are still in contact now, and me and Sir managed to organise small family celebrations for Halloween and bonfire night which i enjoyed; but overall a difficult month for me.

Nov - i don't remember much about this month to be honest, it seems to have passed in a blur, i mainly remember feeling up one day and down the next, and getting sadder and sadder about Joshua; but we had the chocolate day which was great, and Poppy continued to make great progress, such as moving onto solids for the first time.

Dec - i spent the first part of this month trying to hide my problem, but once i admitted it to Sir and flame and Rosemary i was able to start work on tackling it, and felt better about things in general; we ended the month by having a busy but good Christmas with all our family and friends, which included Joshua in his own way; and i'm ending the year feeling hopeful for the future.

survey of the year - 2008

As is now traditional, i'm going to use the last couple of days left this year to look back on 2008 with a review and survey of the year, then decide which of my new year's resolutions i kept and make more for next year. So here's the first part of that - a survey of 2008 in 2o questions: 1. What did you do this year that you've never done before? Gave birth and breastfed! i know they're not glamorous things, but they were both new for me and i think i did (and do) both pretty well. 2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? i'm going to do a separate post on this, but i have a feeling i didn't manage to keep all of them from this year... 3. Did anyone close to you give birth this year? i did! Also Victoria, who i met through the preggie mum's club - she gave birth to Ella a few days before i gave birth to Poppy. 4. Did anyone close to you die? avid did, and i was very sad. Also recently i was sad again when i found out that caitlin had died even though i wasn't 'close' to her. 5. What countries did you visit this year? None, cos i spent the year being preggie or with a new baby. 6. What would you like to have in the next year that you lacked this year? Proper contentment and peace with the family i've got, without the guilty sad feeling which has been hovering over me this year accompanying that. 7. What date from this year will remain etched upon your memory and why? 25th May - the day i gave birth to our little baby girl :) 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Giving birth to a healthy baby, and doing so well with the breastfeeding and looking after her - i'm really proud of myself for that. Also i think i've done well to balance my mummy role with my slave one, and to incorporate both into my daily routine without one outweighing the other. 9. Did you suffer illness or injury? i've had postnatal depression for a few months now, which i guess is an illness. 10. What did you get really, really, really excited about this year? Giving birth to our first little girl (though i was also scared about it too). 11. What song will always remind you of this year? 'Black and gold' by Sam Sparro because we used to do exercises to it at aquanatal classes, also all the lullabies and stuff that me and Sir sing to Poppy. 12. Compared to this time last year, are you:- happier or sadder? - richer or poorer? - thinner or fatter? Probably sadder due to the pnd because this time last year i was preggie and soooooo happy about it, and though i am happy with Sir and Poppy now it's still overshadowed by the Joshua thing; a bit poorer because i'm not working and we have Poppy to care for now, and everything is so much more expensive than it was even a year ago (but we're doing ok so far); thinner because i was pregnant this time last year! 13. What do you wish you'd done more of? Laugh - it seems a while since i had a proper laugh about something; also (and i say this every year) spent more quality time with flame. 14. What do you wish you'd done less of? Cry and be sad, but i'm working on that. 15. Did you fall in love this year? Yes, with Poppy :) 16. What was your favourite TV program for the year? i enjoyed Big Brother this year, and also series 3 of Lost, though i watched that on DVD. 17. What was the best book you read this year? i can't actually remember any fiction books i read, so i'm going to have to be boring and say 'what to expect when you're expecting' which is the best pregnancy book ever and answered so many of my questions and worries. 18. What was your favourite film of the year? i can't remember watching many films...... oh, i do recall liking 'WALL-E', sorry if that's a rubbish choice. 19. Who was the best new person you met this year? Poppy obviously :) 20. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned for this year. i have learned just how important family and friends are, especially during the difficult times. And i've learned not to try to struggle through everything by myself, but to go to my family (especially Sir and flame) with my problems and ask for their help, because it really is a lot easier with their support than trying to do it on my own. That's something that i want to remember for the future. So it seems that having a baby has changed me a lot, and it comes through in lots of my answers - i guess that 2008 was dominated by my experiences of being pregnant, giving birth and being a mummy, and also the end of it was overshadowed by my pnd, but i think it's been a good year and i wouldn't swap Poppy for the world! i'm looking forward to next year and seeing Poppy grow and develop and hopefully getting rid of the pnd so i can enjoy her more. Oh, and if anyone's interested, here's my answers to the same questions for 2007 and 2006.

A family Christmas

Our Christmas this year was lovely, so much better than i thought it was going to be at one point, because for quite a while i was really dreading it, and expecting to have to just get through it as best i could. But thanks to Rosemary and Sir and flame, and the support of all my family and friends and people who left comments on here, i was able to enjoy it rather than just get through it.

i'm not going to talk about what presents i got or sent, because although i got some lovely things (and also quite a bit of money and vouchers to spend in the sales from people who didn't know what to buy me because i didn't make a list this year like i usually do), and everyone i gave presents to was pleased with what i got them.... i don't think the presents were the important part of this year's Christmas for me. What was most important was getting time to spend with all my family and friends, and being able to enjoy their company.

We had lots of different people over to our house at one point or another, so although at times it got a bit tiring, it was still nice, and Sir made sure there were times when we were by ourselves and could spend time together as our little family of 3 so that was good. Also He wouldn't let anyone stay overnight, or arrive too early in the morning, so our usual routine wasn't disrupted too much, which was important for Poppy as well as me. i had help with cooking the Christmas dinner because i wouldn't have managed it on my own, and it all came out really good, and we ended up with 9 people sitting round our table to eat with us on Christmas day, not including Poppy.

A couple of times i felt a bit lost among all the people in our house, so i used Poppy as an excuse to slip away for a while, and nobody minded, but for most of it i was happy to be part of the celebrations, and spend time in everyone's company. And people were really nice to me, and were willing to talk about the pnd and Joshua, which i find really helpful. i only got really sad once, in the afternoon of Christmas Day, and Poppy started getting cranky too, so me and her went out for a walk together in the woods, and i had a little cry and felt much better, and we both came back all calm and ready to be part of things again. Sir was sooo sooo supportive throughout the whole Christmas time, and He's still got some time off over the next week which will be nice because we're going to have some relaxing days chilling out as a family, without doing too much, which will feel like our own little Christmas celebration, just the three of us.

Poppy had a great Christmas too, which was so lovely to see because i didn't want to spoil things for her with my strange moods. She loved all the sparkly decorations and the visitors and the busyness of the house. She listened intently to all the conversations and lapped up the attention from everyone. She got soooo many new toys and enjoyed trying them all out and playing with them over and over, encouraging different people to join in with her. She joined in the Christmas dinner, with her highchair in prime place at the head of the table, and gobbled down lots of pureed veg with a big grin. She was very patient while waiting for everyone else to finish dinner, or open presents, or whatever else it might be. And she gave me lots and lots of happy smiles which made it so much easier for me to get through the days and enjoy myself too. Thank goodness for Poppy!

So i was able to get through this Christmas really well, much better than i expected. And i'm now looking forward to the new year, and the changes that might bring. i hope everyone else had a good Christmas too, and that 2009 is really good to you. And i've been reminded once again that the important things in life are your family and friends, and they're the ones who really matter in difficult times. i love my poly family so sooooo much and i'm going to work really hard to bring back the old libby for them, so that i can resume my relationships with them how they used to be, and return all the love that they show me each and every single day, so freely :)

a happy (Joshua) christmas

i have decided that this year i am going to have a happy christmas, and enjoy celebrating it with all my family, instead of letting the sad feeling inside take over and spoil it for me and everyone around me. It's much easier to do that now that i have spoken to people about what the sad feeling is about, and i understand why i have it and know that i have started working on it and will continue to work on it next year.

i decided that since i can't help myself feeling sad about Joshua not being here at Christmas, then i should take flame and Rosemary's advice, and do my best to include him in the celebrations in my own way, so that i feel like he is here with us as much as he can be. Rosemary said it is important that i do this only in the ways i want to, so she didn't give me any suggestions but i have done quite a few little things: i decorated Joshua's rose bush in the garden with twinkly fairy lights, i put a Christmas bow round the neck of Joshua's teddy bear, i hung up a stocking for him with everyone else's on the fireplace (i won't feel sad when it doesn't get filled because those ones are only for decoration anyway), i bought a special angel decoration and hung it on the Christmas tree (Sir bought a 'baby's 1st Christmas' one for Poppy and i didn't want Joshua getting left out), and either tonight or tomorrow night Sir is going to help me find Joshua's star because there's something i need to say to him this Christmas time (this was the homework which Rosemary set me, but she left it up to me how i would tell him it).

It's going to be a very busy Christmas for us, but i'm glad that this year we get to stay at home and everyone else visits us. It would be too much upheaval to have to keep carting Poppy off to other people's houses and i always feel much more relaxed at home. The visits started yesterday when Sir's brother brought his wife and 2 young children round. They stayed for dinner, and we exchanged presents (the adults didn't open ours yet), and then they left about 8:30pm cos it's an hours drive home and the kids were tired. It was a nice relaxed visit, so i'm hoping all of them turn out like that. Over the course of the next 2 days we've got lots more people popping in for a visit, some of them to stay for Christmas dinner or another meal, some just for drinks and snacks, but none of them are staying overnight which i'm glad about. And my mum and Sir's mum are both going to come over on Christmas morning to help me cook the dinner, which i'm very glad about :)

So i'd like to wish you all a very happy Christmas, i hope you get lots of lovely presents and enjoy spending time with those precious to you. And i'll be back to update you on my Christmas as soon as i can.

So sad

Yesterday i found out that one of the other subs whose blog i read has died: caitlin. i was really shocked to read this and it made me feel very sad, especially when i went and read her Master's beautiful tribute to her. i know that she will be missed by many many people, not only those of us who read her blog and knew her online, but also those who knew her in real-life too. It was clear to me from reading her blog that she was a genuine sub who gave her all to her Master and that their's was a loving and committed relationship with a deep connection beyond and on top of the D/s one.

i think it is even harder for people in M/s relationships when one of them dies, even more so than in vanilla marriages, but i'm not quite able to explain why. It's something to do with the special connection between them that can only be found in a M/s dynamic, and which means that for most of us there is only 1 true 'One' suitable for us, and if we lose them then we never find that same connection with anyone again. i hope her Master can cherish the many happy years they had together and know that He enriched her life beyond measure, and be comforted by that.

Not even going to think about what my life would be like without Sir because it will make me too sad. But instead i'm going to be extra grateful today that i still have Him, and go out of my way to show Him how much He means to me. Because i truly am blessed with all the special relationships i have in my life, and i owe it to all those people who have lost someone, to make the most of the time i have right now, including having the best Christmas i can with the ones i love.

rest in peace caitlin, dance among the stars, and prepare a place there for your loved ones when their time should come.

Funnies

In a giggly mood today but not got the concentration to sit down and write a proper post, so i thought i'd share these funny poems i found on the internet instead. Hope they make others giggle too!

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong,

One who loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks,

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more,

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend,

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs

who owns a liquorstore and a golf course.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

essay#3 - Gor in real life

Feeling quite with it today, so decided to do some work on my training and then i realised that my 'BDSM knowledge and skills' training only has 1 more thing left to do till it's finished, so i'm doing that - a post on my research into this question:

~ is it possible to engage in a r/l Gorean dynamic, and if so how?

i wasn't able to find that much information on this on the internet, because most things about Gor are to do with online chatrooms or groups on Second Life - in other words Gor roleplay but not Gor reality. But i found one good website and also a Youtube video discussing these issues, so i'm going to do my best with those limited sources. Firstly, it seems that those who practice Gor in real-life tend to be somewhat cynical of, and want to distance themselves from, those who only practice it online - in scenes or chatrooms and such like. Most people tend to be of the opinion that the 2 types are completely different, and one is based purely on fantasy using many elements of the science-fiction from the books, while the real-life version is based more on the philosophy and attitude of the books in general. The online Goreans tend to verge more towards the extreme end of the spectrum, with some of them celebrating Gorean rather than Earth holidays, using Gorean languages, measurements, laws, calendars etc, which it would obviously be very difficult to do in a real-life situation. So to me the online Goreans seem to want to pretend that they are living on Gor, whereas the real-life ones are aware that they live on Earth, but want to construct a relationship based on Gorean principles and philosophies.

One Gorean slave described her lifestyle as consisting of positions, creeds, disciplines and punishments straight from the Gor books, but she admitted that it is not possible to be as strict with a slave as depicted in the books because this usually results in death or serious injury for the worst offences and thus would be illegal here. However, she still sees the way a slave submits and the way a Master handles His slave in a r/l Gorean relationship as being the same way depicted in the books. She does admit, though, that most r/l Goreans don't think of the slave as being an animal or piece of property, and that most Gor Masters love and care about their slaves, which to me is not in keeping with the philosophies depicted in the books.

In some ways i don't see that a r/l Gorean relationship is that dissimilar to a r/l M/s or BDSM relationship, though it is said that Gorean dynamics are stricter because the slave is not permitted a safeword, limits or contract, and receives all privileges including food, clothing, shelter, sleep, etc. at the mercy of her owner. However, i find it hard to believe that these things actually happen within a r/l Gor relationship, i expect what really happens is the Master reminds the slave that she is lucky to be granted all these things but grants them to her anyway!

i did find an interesting statement on the fundamentals of practicing a r/l Gorean relationship: one article said that the most important Gorean principles to live by are casting off societal teachings, living in harmony with the environment, being true to one's own nature, embracing the differences between the sexes, and living with personal accountability, honour, duty and respect. It is even said that having a slave is not necessary to living a Gorean life, and that some people are r/l Goreans without ever being or owning a slave. So in this way, it shows how it is possible to live as Gorean in real-life without forming a BDSM relationship, though i still think it likely that most r/l Gorean dynamics look and function very similarly to most M/s ones.

So in conclusion, i think it is definitely possible to have a r/l Gorean dynamic or lifestyle, but that most people who call themsleves 'Gor' are more drawn to the fantasy/fictional elements and so have to enter into online relationships only because it is not possible to fly a tarn, capture a slave from a rival city, or drink paga in real-life here on earth!

(sources used: 1, 2 )

Illusions and realities

Lots of other sub bloggers have been writing about the 'illusion' of slavery and D/s relationships recently, kicked off i believe by kaya's sudden and surprising post that she and her Master had stopped being M/s due to her discovering a hard limit that she would not go against for Him. If you read kaya's blog you'll know that the situation is more complex than that, but it did start off an interesting chain-reaction among other bloggers, with lots of subs seeming to be of the opinion that if a 'solid' BDSM relationship like kaya's and her Master's could suddenly fall apart over one issue, then surely so could anyone's and therefore the fundations of D/s relationships in general are based on illusion and only work so long as both people keep investing in that pretence. i have been mulling this whole issue over for a while, and feel ready to post my own opinion on it now:

Firstly i don't go along with the whole 'illusion' idea. What me and Sir have is a relationship choice, structured the way we want it, and yes we both have to keep up our roles in it in order to make it work, but that doesn't make it an illusion. We both know that the D/s will only work so long as we keep to our sides of the bargain and act towards each other in the ways we have agreed, but surely that's the same for any relationship? In a traditional vanilla marriage, the man and woman make an agreement about how they will treat each other and there is a shared understanding about what being married means (normally things like being monogonous and not having sex with/kissing/flirting with other people, etc, etc.) But there is actually nothing to stop one or other of the people going against that agreement and suddenly deciding to sleep around with whoever they feel like. In most cases that would destroy the relationship, but it doesn't mean that marriage itself is an illusion, only existing as long as both people keep up the pretence and act in certain pre-agreed ways, it just means that there is a 'contract' that they agreed to, which if broken threatens the entire basis of the relationship. The same as in a D/s relationship, though the terms of the 'contract' there may be very different.

And when you come to think of it, the way society functions in general is based on agreements between people on how they will act towards each other, and what roles people will play in each 'relationship' - be that employee and boss, mother and daughter, teacher and student, doctor and patient. It doesn't mean that any of those relationships are an illusion, it just means that all relationships depend by their very nature on the participants behaving in an agreed fashion and adhering to prescribed roles. Any deviance from those roles makes the relationship break down and cease to function. And sometimes that is done on purpose, and sometimes not, just as in BDSM dynamics. Sometimes people decide they don't want to be in that relationship anymore, and sometimes they realise that type of relationship is not for them - but that's definitely not exclusive to D/s relationships, it happens with every type of human relationship in general. So i don't go along with the BDSM illusion thing, unless people also accept that all ways of relating to each other are also based on the same type of illusion.

That's just my take on it, but it makes sense to me - i'd welcome any comments people might have, though.

100,000!!

Just a quick post to say that i noticed my little counter go over the 100,000 mark today! Thank you to everyone who reads my blog, especially to those who take the time to leave comments and send emails. i'm always really humbled when people say they find my blog useful and inspiring, because when i first started it was mainly to keep a record of my training and experiences. But i have really enjoyed maintaining my blog and i hope i will continue to enjoy it for many years to come. And i still can't believe it's had so many visitors :)

libby

xxxx

reconnecting with flame

Because of the pnd and other issues over recent months, it seems like it has been aggggggggges since me and flame 'played' together, so we took the opportunity yesterday to slip away into a private chatroom and spend some time reconnecting with each other. i had a dream a few nights ago where we were in a bath together, and we reenacted that for our scene, which was so lovely. Basically we sat facing each other in a big bath of warm bubbly water, and slowly washed each other with big soft sponges, sneaking in little kisses and touches along the way. Then we got out and dried off and snuggled in bed together before i had to leave. At the end we both agreed that we would like to continue the scene so today we are hoping to pick up where we left off, and i'm going to be taking body lotions and massage oil in with me ;)

It feels kind of like we are rediscovering each other all over again, which makes me feel shy and a bit unsure, but at the same time it is flame who makes me feel very relaxed so i am able to enjoy myself. i'm looking forward to later on!

Sadness - an update

Sorry for writing that last post on sadness and then going so quiet. i didn't mean to, but i've been in more of a thinking mood than a writing one recently, and also the days seem to be rushing past and i honestly didn't realise it had been that long since i'd last written. In the past i would prolly have been given a gentle nudge by Sir by now that i needed to blog again, but He's been giving me more slack in lots of departments recently, which i appreciate but sometimes it leads to me not noticing myself that things need doing till it's rather late.

Anyway..... i wanted to say first of all that i'm fine, still working through the pnd but doing mainly ok. Actually i feel better than when i first got the sadness, because at least now i have talked to Sir and flame and Rosemary about it, and it looks like it's something that i can sort out with some help. And no, i'm not thinking of closing the blog or stopping writing here or whatever, ok? ;)

i'm just going to come right out and say what the sadness is all about, because i'm sure most of you have worked it out anyway, and one or two people have actually guessed it without fully realising. The reason i'm sad is because of Joshua, my angel baby who we lost in May last year. i keep thinking about how it would have been his first Christmas and he would be at a really interesting age - 11 months - crawling and cruising and getting ready to walk. And i kept seeing all these lovely toys he would have loved, because he would have been at such an inquisitive age and able to actively explore things. And then i started thinking about how his first birthday would have been coming up in the new year (January 26th), and i find myself planning his party and thinking about what presents we would get him. All of which made me very confused because i started thinking that i should have both Poppy and Joshua to celebrate this Christmas with - as in have both of them physically here, even though i know that's not possible because if Joshua had survived we wouldn't have had Poppy - and then i got to not wanting Christmas to come because i didn't want to have to put on a happy face for everyone around me and have all the fuss and cheeriness and stuff when inside i was feeling that once Christmas has been and we do it without Joshua it means he is properly gone forever. But i didn't want to tell anyone how i was feeling because i didn't want to spoil their Christmas for them, as well as mine.

i know all of that is a bit confusing, but it's the best way i can explain the sadness i had inside me. But actually once flame convinced me to tell her and Sir it felt a bit lighter, and once i told my counsellor about it it felt a bit lighter still. Rosemary says that this is very likely to be the 'big issue' related to the guilt that we hadn't been able to discover before, and now that we know what it is we can work on it much easier. She says our main priorities are to get me through Christmas and help me enjoy it as much as i can, and then to let me resume the grieving process for Joshua. Because that's what she thinks the main reason is i got the pnd in the first place - because i got pregnant with Poppy so soon after losing Joshua (there were only 4 months in between) - my grieving for him got abruptly halted because i all my thoughts and energies were going into being pregnant, preparing for Poppy and then looking after her once she was born. But then when things settled down a bit, i started feeling sad about Joshua again, which led to the guilt and confusion and ultimately the pnd because i was trying to be sad about Joshua and happy about Poppy all at the same time. So what i have to realise first of all is that this is not my fault, and it's a perfectly natural way to feel, then i have to let myself be sad about Joshua and talk about him to people around me so i can let my feelings out into the open and not feel guilty about having them anymore, and also i have to finish going through the grieving period until i feel like i have properly laid him to rest.

Sorry if this post was a bit depressing, but i found writing it really helpful because at last things are out in the open. i'm working on some homework from Rosemary this weekend, which is meant to help me get started on getting better. And i'm able to see the light at the end of the tunnel of all of this, and can believe that i can get myself to the point where the pnd is gone, where i always remember Joshua but no longer feel confused or guilty about him, and where i can be properly happy with Poppy and any future babies we have. Oh, and i am wanting to have Christmas now, because Rosemary is going to help me do it so that i can remember Joshua and involve him in the celebrations somehow.

Thanks for listening to my ramble, and thanks for all the support.