Guilt progress

January 29, 2009

Guilt progress

You know what? i think i may have finally cracked the 'guilt' thing. It's taken a while, but i've finally realised that i'm allowed to be human, even though i'm a mummy and a slave and wanting to be the best of both that i can. i'm still allowed to make mistakes, i'm still allowed to have off days, i'm still allowed to get it wrong, and i'm still allowed to need help from others, and it won't make me a bad mummy or a bad slave. Infact, knowing when i have stuffed up and making amends, and knowing when to ask for help, make me a better mummy and a stronger slave.

i no longer feel guilty for having the pnd cos it's not my fault, and i am working on getting myself better. i no longer feel guilty for the burden i am putting on my family and friends because i am trying to help them through their troubles too, and i have helped them out in the past and will continue to do so in the future, so it's not so bad to take every now and then. i no longer feel guilty for loving Poppy so much and being happy with her, cos that's what Joshua would have wanted and it doesn't mean i love him any less.

And today i didn't let myself feel guilty for not realising it was the anniversary of avid's death (someone reminded me in IRC), cos i have been really busy and to be honest it's not a date that is going to stick in my mind so i couldn't really be expected to remember it. There is a little memorial gathering thing tonight, but it will be about 3am here when it's happening, so i'm not going to let myself feel guilty if i don't make it to that either. i'm quite tired today, and i know avid would understand anyway.

So, i'm feeling pleased with myself for getting past this 'guilt' stage, because that's a major part of my pnd. Hopefully i can continue to make progress and beat it entirely, sometime soon.