April 10, 2009
Domme difficulties
As some people might remember, i recently started real-life training with a Domme acquaintance of Sir's. This follows on from but is also running simultaneously to the online Domme play i started a while back, as Sir wants me to continue this as and when possible. i have been really nervous about doing the real-life stuff because i am shy with women, much more so Dominant women and i was worried about what would be expected of me. And it seems i was right to be worried....
So far there have only been 2 training sessions with Ma'am, but both of them have been intense and difficult. i have been given a training diary which Ma'am fills in after every visit, and it has my 'lessons' in it - one per page - which i am required to work on each time. At the end of every visit Ma'am fills in a comment about how well i did on each lesson, and She says that when i complete a lesson a photo will be taken and stuck in and then we will move onto a new one. So far i have 3 lessons i am working on:
#1. proper preparation for Ma'am's visits: i don't really know what this entails since i am meant to work it out for myself, but so far i have figured out that i am to be kneeling nude in the hallway ready for when Ma'am arrives and i am to make sure i am nice and clean all over with my finger- and toenails neatly polished.
#2. remaining still and silent throughout the session: this one is really hard for me because i am used to being allowed to make noises and squirm about with Sir, but Ma'am has completely different rules and no matter what She does to me i am expected not to make any noise or movement at all - She says i can take a big breath in but that's it. So far i have not done very well with this one at all :(
#3. feeling my place with Ma'am: again i'm not really sure yet what this one means, but She says it will become clearer as we go on. So far Her comments under this one have been 'libby is starting to get a glimpse of where her true place lies in relation to me', whatever that means?
i think some of the reason i find this training so difficult (besides the fact it is new and i am so not comfortable with Women in the same way i am with Men) is that i don't know what i am doing. With Sir He always discusses training with me and tells me exactly what He expects and what i need to work on, and although i kind of have that with Ma'am's training diary, the way she works is very mysterious and vague and nothing is spelt out in any detail. It's just a new way of working for me, but at the moment i'm finding it really hard to get to grips with, and also i'm a bit disappointed that i'm not yet able to do better than i am. So it looks like this is going to be a longggggggggggg section of training for me :/
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4 comments:
Ah sweetie, don't let it get you down. You'll get the hang of it I'm sure.
11:48 PMFWIW, it seems like Ma'am is trying to make you a more self sufficient sub (that sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it?). This is all pure speculation on my part but I think the idea is to help you cultivate your intuitiveness so that you will be able to feel what kind of submissive you need to be in a given circumstance.
For example, say you start attending D/s gatherings/parties where you are an active sub for different Doms. Having to ability to feel how a particular Dom wants to interact with you will make it easier for you to please them.
This is just my thoughts on this and, as you know, I am clueless as to the real workings of this lifestyle. But maybe it'll help you with getting a perspective that makes things clearer for you.
There's a short bit of dialog from the movie "Circle of Iron" which goes -
Blind Man: Buddha once sat before a wall, and when he arose he was enlightened.
Cord: Do you compare yourself with Buddha?
Blind Man: (chuckles) No. Only to the wall.
Maybe I can be a wall, too.
oh i hadn't thought of it like that. Maybe She's doing what Sir has asked Her to do because it's something He thinks will benefit me, or maybe this is the way she is with all subs, i dunno. But it does help a bit to think of it like that. Thanks for being my wall :)
8:08 AMlibby
Anytime.
2:15 AMThere's something else I just thought of that may help, too. It's a long shot but whenever I feel like I'm clueless, confused or just plain lost I simply accept that I am and go with it. Sooner or later I'll either figure it out or someone will tell me. If you keep your mind in an optimistic place things usually work out ok.
But then I have an advantage over most people that helps keep me perpetually up beat. I'm so hopped up on painkillers and antidepressants nothing bothers me. Plus I have Asperger's Syndrome so I've spent my whole life in a state of confused oblivion. After 46 years of that and 15+ years of meds I've kinda gotten used to it.
i'll try that! i've worked with a few children with Asperger's Syndrome and lots with autism so i know a bit about it. Actually i often think that the really severely autistic children are better off than us neuro-typical people in some ways because they are completely clueless about the way the world works and don't give a damn - much preferring the way things work in their own little worlds of colours and patterns and shapes and feels and movements and melodies :)i often wish i could see the world through their eyes just for a day because i think some parts of it would be really beautiful (not the overloading stuff like too much noise though)...
10:10 AMlibby
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