remembering

May 30, 2009

remembering

Tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of us finding out that we had lost our first baby Joshua. If you haven't already, you can read about it here. Last year i was feeling very sad and also very guilty on this day - sad because we didn't have Joshua but also guilty because i was so happy with our new baby Poppy (who had been born 6 days before) and guilty that i was spending so much time thinking about her and not about Joshua. And it was those kinds of feelings which led to me developing post-natal depression and needing counselling for a few months.

But this year everything is different. Yes, i still feel sad when i think of Joshua, but it's more of a distant sadness now, and i know that he's in a good place and he's fine where he is. And i also know that he came to fulfill a certain role, and also that he will return to us when the time is right. So it's not goodbye forever, just until we see him again (well actually till we see him for the first time, because we never even got to see him on a scan before he left us). But i have none of the guilt now, because i know i am a good mummy to both my children, just in different ways because they have very different needs. Joshua doesn't need changing or feeding or reading bedtime stories to like Poppy does, but he does need remembering and talking about to know we still think about him.

So tomorrow is going to be a normal day in our house, except that at some point during the day i'm going to take the time to sit by Joshua's rose bush (which is sooooooo beautiful this year) and send him a special message to let him know i haven't forgotten what day it is and i haven't forgotten him. And i never will. Then i'm going to spend the rest of the day appreciating the family i've got and i'll give Poppy an extra special hug when she goes up to bed, to let her know just how much i love her too.