Is it real?

June 07, 2009

Is it real?

Today is a thinking day, mainly because it is wet and rainy outside, Poppy looks set to keep herself amused for hours with the home-made drum kit Sir just concocted for her (!), Sir is busy working on something in His study, and my tiredness from yesterday has gone..... So i decided to have a ponder on some of the brilliantly thought-provoking posts on other slaves' blogs recently and post my reactions to them on my blog. Starting with kaya:

Who recently asked the question of whether slavery (in a BDSM sense) is real or is it just a role we are playing? Her argument was that because it is not recognised legally or by society, this means that nobody is really owned by someone else and can leave at any time, therefore it is just 'playing' (though she does admit that it seems real when you are in a D/s relationship). Now, i kinda see where she is coming from, but as many others have pointed out to her there are other things which are not legal or widely accepted in society (such as gay marriage for example), but nobody would say that a gay relationship is not real whereas a straight one is. And also different societies around the world, and in history, have/had different laws which would mean that in some places or at some times a D/s relationship would be considered 'real' under these terms and in other places or at other times it would not (plus all the very valid points about society not widely accepting black or gay people in the past, and how that didn't make their lifestyles not real.) So i don't think that reality can be based on what is legal or what society accepts.

i think 'real' is all to do with perception (as someone else commented on kaya's post). After all, going through a marriage ceremony doesn't make that relationship anymore 'real' than it was before, but most people perceive marriage as a binding contract, one which means that the 2 people are in a different kind of relationship and should not cheat on each other, etc, etc. And the people in that marriage relationship perceive their roles/lifestyle as having a certain kind of reality because of the fact that they are married. In fact both of them are just as free to leave/cheat/whatever as they were before, but because they do not perceive it this way then the reality for them has altered. (i hope that makes sense to people). i don't think it is the legal or society view of the relationship which makes it real, because same-sex couples feel the same way after their 'marriage' ceremonies. And i think it works the same for D/s relationships with the collaring ceremony/contract/whatever - this is seen as altering the reality of the relationship and the 2 people act in different ways after this event than they may have done before, because their perceptions have changed.

One more point i'd like to make before giving a quote from one of my favouritest books ever. Though kaya says that slavery isn't real because the slave can leave at any moment, and infact she tried to do just that a little while ago in her own relationship, she found that in the end she couldn't do it and she went back to Him. If that's not an example of the very real ties which bond couples in true M/s relationships, then i'm not sure what is. Of course there are M/s relationships which break down and the couples go their separate ways, but i just found it interesting that although kaya says she could leave at any time she wants to and tried to do just that, she hasn't managed to do it. i think it's because of how she perceives the dynamic and her own role within it (it's certainly nothing to do with the law or society which made her stay, indicating that factors inside someone have a lot more to do with 'reality' than outside factors do).

OK , now for the quote:

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or who have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

(from 'The Velveteen Rabbit')

i think this sums up the reality of slavehood better than i ever could - it takes some time to get there, it's something which evolves and happens to you rather than an overnight change, it involves some pain and wearing away of the old you, and it only happens to certain kinds of people who can endure the process, but it makes you beautiful to those who appreciate this kind of thing. Oh, btw, we're having that quote read out at our wedding in July because it is so apt for mine and Sir's relationship, and it's just one of the many little allusions to BDSM which are happening throughout the day for those who understand :)

Thoughts on this post? Please let me know!