a submissive's musings: February 2009

Poem

i didn't write this poem, i nabbed it from another blog, but it's so deep and so true that i wanted to share it here. Maybe one day i will be able to write this well......

Marks of a slave ~ by slave deekitten

What marks a slave truly?
Is it the collar of leather and steel around her neck?
Is it the binds of rope upon her hands?
Or the stripes along her back?
Think girl, He asks, what marks a slave?

Slowly reaching up to touch the leather on her neck, she realizes it is none of these things
What marks a slave Master, is her heart
What marks a slave is the steel around her heart that comes from knowing she is bound to You Master in any storm
What marks a slave is the stains on her face from the tears she has shed with fear she is not good enough to serve her Master, yet she can think of nothing else on earth she wants to do
What marks a slave is the bumps and bruises she gets from falling down when she struggles with a new part of her service
All these things truly mark a slave Master but above all those things there is one more mark of a slave

He looks at her silently waiting for her to finish feeling much pride in what this girl has learned
With tears streaming down her face she continues
What truly marks a slave Master is the print of her Master's hand upon her as He picks her up and calms the storm and makes her safe
That is what marks a slave.

some quick questions

Now that i'm over the pnd and will hopefully have more time to think about other things, i realised that i've actually not got many topics stored in my head ready to blog about. Usually i have a list of topics and ponderings ready to discuss and research and post, but at the moment i don't, so i'm asking for some help to think of them. Basically if there's anything you want to know about me/Sir, our relationship and our views on any aspects of D/s please leave me a comment or send me an email via Sir and i'll do a blog post about it.

Also i've been thinking about adding new features to my sidebar, but was wondering again if anyone has any suggestions of things they would like to see, things that would be useful or interesting for them. And i would also appreciate comments on which elements of my sidebar people read and use regularly and which you don't, so maybe i can get rid of a few if i run out of space.

Last request, i promise...... please can people vote in my new poll, so i can get a better idea on this whole submission/natural trusting thing i have been pondering recently.

Thanks for all your help :)

libby

xxxx

luna question #6

i'm a bit worried because the Thursday question section on luna's website doesn't seem to have been updated for a few weeks, which means i may have to look elsewhere to get my question to answer every Friday from now on. But for today i'm using a luna question from earlier this year which i haven't answered yet:

"Marks are a result of many forms of play in BDSM. What are your favourite ways to help them heal quickly, or heck, make them last a bit longer?

First of all i have to say that i think i'm quite lucky when it comes to marks, though i guess it depends how you look at it. i know some subs mark really really easily and so their Doms have to be careful about the areas of the body they use during play because otherwise there will be evidence in places which will get seen, and then maybe questions will be asked. But on the other end of the scale are those subs who very rarely mark, even from the harshest scene, and they get quite disappointed at the lack of evidence on their body for them to admire and be proud of. i'm somewhere in the middle - i do mark from harsher play such as caning, heavy flogging, etc. but there are certain implements that Sir can use on me that won't leave a mark, so He is pretty much free to explore all parts of my body without fear of leaving conspicuous evidence (especially important when i go swimming etc.) And my marks stay around for long enough for me to admire them, but not long enough to cause concerns.

Now to answer the question: i never try to prolong marks and neither does Sir as He thinks it would be harmful to my body to do this, and also because He doesn't like to play on top of still-healing marks, so this would restrict Him more. It's actually in my rules to take steps to promote the healing of any marks or sore spots i get from the result of play:

"#25. i must use the Vitamin E cream my Master has provided on any areas of my body which are healing, in order to promote this process."

i do this everyday after my shower, when necessary, until the marks are gone. To be honest, i don't really care about the marks as much as some other subs seem to - i like looking at them if i get them, but i don't feel let down if a heavy play session results in no marks at all, or horrified if i end up with lots. They're just an added extra to some play i guess, though as i said before i know other subs (and Doms) feel a lot more strongly about them than i do - anyone care to comment?

Quick note

Just to let everyone know that i was officially signed off by my counsellor yesterday - she says i have successfully worked through the pnd now and no longer need treatment for it. She reckons that even if i get down days in the future, i will be able to deal with them without getting stuck in them like i used to, and she feels i have a much healthier relationship with both my babies now and can move on and fully enjoy my life with Poppy.

Sooooo today i am feeling happy, relieved, and proud of myself for what i've achieved. And just spending time appreciating the wonder that is my beautiful baby girl. Again a big thank you to everyone who helped me through the dark pnd days, and please stick around as i resume my proper training programme with Sir and forge ahead with my new life as a balanced slave mummy! Oh, and i also get to sign #12 off my 101 list :)

special award

Yayyyyyy! i was so happy today to find out i have been given a special 'friends blog award' by luna of this site and this blog. This is what it's about:

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propogated. Please give more attention to these writers."

Wow makes me wiggle inside to think that luna feels my little blog deserves an award out of all the great ones she could have chosen - thanks hon!

The rules to accepting this award: "Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text tinto the body of their award."

Soooooo i got to choose 8 more bloggers to give this award to. i decided to choose people who i have got to know better through email contact or people who i was already friends with who also happen to blog, plus some of my top favourites who haven't already been chosen. Here they are:

1. Master's kitten - here

2. searching for lexa - here

3. slave's days - here

4. journey of a submissive - here

5. the journey - here

6. doubleknot's ruminations - here

7. Dante's Paradiso - here

8. trinity pup - here

gratitude Tuesday - letter t

For some reason i found it quite hard to think of words this week, even though 't' seems like quite an easy one. If anyone has done this letter, or can think of any more good 't' words to be grateful for please let me know.

~ training - i am really really thankful that my Sir has provided such a comprehensive and clear programme of training for me, because i think it is this more than anything else that has helped me develop into the slave i am today; though i think i would probably have reached this point eventually anyway, i believe that the training enabled me to get here much more quickly than i ever thought possible.

~ trains - i love travelling by train, even though it is getting really expensive; i especially love the underground network in London because without that it would be really difficult to get from place to place when i go up there to visit. But the reason i am most grateful for trains is that is how i used to travel to visit Sir, which was important for me to be in His physical presence regularly in order for my submission to deepen.

~ television - i am thankful for TV even though i don't watch much of it. There are certain programmes i like, though, and i also enjoy watching DVDs of past TV shows, so i think it is very useful for entertainment and educational purposes.

~ taste - imagine how boring it would be to eat without tasting? i love my food and am so grateful for the many wonderful tastes i get to experience.

~ trainers - i used to wear trainers pretty much all the time, but even though i now have lots of other shoes which i wear instead, there are times when i just slip on a pair of comfy trainers and pop down to the shops with Poppy, so i'm very glad that someone invented them!

~ therapy - by this i mean the counselling sessions and also the alternative treatments i had (such as the reflexology, the Indian head massage, and also the mother and baby massages) - without all these types of therapy i wouldn't have gotten rid of the pnd so quickly or be able to chill out regularly to keep me in balance.

~ thud - i think i've mentioned it before that i prefer 'thud' on my bottom and 'sting' on my tits (ooooh another good 't' word!). There's nothing quite like a good thuddy flogging on my bottom to help me slip into melty sub mode and feel soooooo good afterwards :)

~ toad in the hole - a bit of a weird one and i'm not sure if Americans even know what it is (Google it!), but i absolutely love this dish and often make it when i'm feeling down and in need of a bit of good old stodgy comfort food. And luckily Sir loves it too, so He's always happy to have it for dinner.

~ talk time - every week i have a special set-aside talk time with Sir, where i am free to raise whatever points i want to, and where we discuss issues of importance to us. i'm very grateful for the opportunity to do this because i think it helps keep me on the right track as His slave.

~ tolerance - this is an important one, and though i wish more people were tolerant of the BDSM lifestyle, i'm also grateful that there are some people already who are. And i'm also grateful for all those people in the lifestyle who try hard to be tolerant of others, even if they have completely different kinks and preferences. i hope i am tolerant of others too, because i try to be.

Something to ponder on...

In a recent comment someone mentioned that they thought one reason i might have been so easily deceived by a fellow online sub, and also a reason why i might have had problems with this in the past online, is due to my submissive nature. Does this make me more likely to accept what people tell me at face value? Am i more trusting and gullible because of this?

i think i'm naturally quite a trusting person and i do tend to believe what people tell me, especially what they tell me about themselves or the way they present themselves to me. i tend to think that everyone is completely honest and open about who they are, what they do and what their motives are, which is another reason it took me a while to realise just how many people online are fakes and players. i think i've got better at being able to spot them, but the question i really want to ask is:

are you as a sub/slave naturally trusting and accepting of what other people tell you, and do you think this is part of your submissive nature?

Comments pleasssssse!

poll results

Here's the results from my latest poll on symbols worn to show slave identity. Thanks to everyone who voted, and please look out for more polls coming soon.

A total of 53 people voted:

~ 17 said that they or their subs wear a symbolic 'collar' (like my necklace)

~ 8 wear a traditional collar

~ 6 wear a slave anklet or bracelet

~ 5 have a tattoo, branding or other mark

~ 5 wear a buttplug

~ 4 have a piercing

~ 3 wear a leash

~ 2 wear cuffs

~ 2 wear a chastity device

~ 1 wears chains

i found it really interesting finding out what other people wear to remind themselves of their slavery and also to show others in the lifestyle that they are 'taken', but i think i should probably have asked how many people don't wear any form or identity at all to show they are a sub, because that would also be interesting to find out. Maybe i'll ask that next time......

New beginnings

It feels like i'm at one of those points in your life where everything starts anew. You know the kind of thing i mean? Like when you start a new job, or have a baby, or move house, or get married... and you know nothing will be the same again, and you feel excited and nervous all at the same time.

Well it feels like i'm on the brink of one of those moments for 2 reasons:

1. i've gotten rid of the pnd and am now ready to move on with my life with Poppy and Sir, properly appreciating and enjoying the little family that we are.

2. i've decided to go back to work part-time after Easter.

That second one was a big decision for me and i'm still not entirely sure i'm doing the right thing, but on the whole i think i am. It will give me a chance to be out of the house, keeping busy, doing something productive, mixing with other adults, making some money. And i can get Poppy into the baby room of the nursery i work at, for virtually nothing, which means she will be socialising with other babies and learning lots of things. i know we both socialise with other mummies and babies already, but this will be different for both of us, and i think it will do us both good. And i'll be close to Poppy if there's any problem with her, and my mum's already agreed to look after her instead if she really doesn't take to the nursery. But i know the staff who work in that room, and they're lovely and so dedicated, and there's only 5 other babies in there so it's like a little family really, so i'm hoping she should love it.

We've agreed that i will start off working Wednesday mornings, all day Thursdays and all day Fridays, with the woman who has covered for me on maternity leave running the room the rest of the time. Luckily she is really flexible on days because she will do supply work in other nurseries/schools on the other days, so that's good. She's really lovely and has done such a good job of running my room while i've been away. Most of the children who were there before have left and they've got all new children in, so i'm really excited about getting to know them - i'm going to pop in for a couple of hours the week before i'm due to start back, so that i get to know them a bit better and find out what the timetable is. my first official day of work will be 22nd April, when Poppy will be almost 11 months old!

Soooo a whole new start for both of us after Easter, with new challenges and adventures. i'm really looking forward to it, and then of course a few months later another new beginning for all of us - when me and Sir get married! Lots of changes this year, but hopefully all for the better :)

Nearing the end

Which sounds like a negative title, but it isn't really. It refers to the imminent ending of my counselling sessions because i have made so much progress with the pnd that i am nearly out from under that cloud and home nice and dry!

Today with my counsellor at our house i read the letter i wrote to Joshua, standing by his rose bush in the garden. Then afterwards i buried it in a little tube at the bottom of the bush and just sat there for a while thinking. Rosemary didn't say anything to me, she just let me think for a while and then she asked me how i felt and i said "relieved" - which may sound like a weird way to feel, and it's not how i expected to feel, but it's true. i think it's because this has been hanging over me for so long now (or what feels like a long time because i was only diagnosed in September) that it feels so good to know i've finally got it out of my system, dealt with it and can move on. i'll never forget Joshua, he'll always be a part of my life, but now it's able to be in a way that doesn't make me depressed and doesn't interfere with the other areas of my life. Which is important.

So only one more counselling session to go before i officially get signed off. The reflexology stops then as well, but Sir has said He will pay for me to have one treatment a month and also one mother and baby massage from the magic lady per month too so i'm happy about that. Am feeling much brighter and back to my old self again, which is great news, and thanks to everyone who has supported me during the last few months :)

Trappings of being a slave

i was thinking today about why it is that many (not all) subs and slaves, especially the ones in committed long-term collared relationships tend to wear something to show that status to others, even though this then cause problems with exposure of the relationship to the vanilla public, friends and family, etc. As an example, i have a traditional BDSM collar but only wear it during 'sessions' in the house or at BDSM parties because it is too obviously a slave collar to be worn elsewhere. Instead i have a symbolic 'collar' necklace and a charm bracelet representing all my accomplishments as His slave to wear in public, at work, around Poppy and family and friends.

Yet i would not want to be without these items, they mean a lot to me, much the same way as a wedding ring does to vanilla people i guess. They are the outward symbol of the commitment i have made, and even if most people don't actually realise what the necklace and bracelet represent, i know and so does Sir and flame and other Doms/subs important to me, and that's all that matters. And i also feel very proud of my slave tattoo, because although once again to most people it just looks like any ordinary tattoo, it has special meaning to me and Sir and it was a big thing for me to get one done for Him so that gives it significance too.

But what i was really thinking about was why are these things so important to me (and presumably to most other subs/slaves as well)? Why does it make a difference whether i wear a collar or substitute collar or my Master's mark on me somewhere in the form of a tattoo or brand or piercing? It doesn't make me any more of a slave, yet it makes me feel like more of a slave everytime i catch sight of these things, or touch them, and especially when people comment on them. Anyone else have anything to add on why these things are so important to you or to slaves as a whole, or even why they are not, if that's the case? Oh, and i created a poll about this to see how widespread the practice is, so please take part if you are a sub/slave or own one - thanks :)

Gratitude Tuesday - letter s

You all know the drill by now - here's my top 10 things i am grateful for beginning with 's':

~ snuggles - i am a very snuggly person, i need to give and receive snuggles (aka hugs, cuddles) to and from those i love frequently - i use snuggles as a way of showing my affection for them, of receiving reassurance and comfort, of bonding me to other people, of enjoying being close to someone, of relaxing and making me feel safe and warm and loved. They are very important to me.

~ spankings - i loveeeee getting a spanking - not for a punishment, but just because Sir wants to give me one. i love how my bottom starts off tingling then it gets hotter and hotter and the tingles turn to stings and finally to burning if He carries on long enough. And i love it when He puts icecubes or cream on my bottom to soothe the burn.

~ shoes - i'm a bit of a girlie when it comes to shoes, even more so since moving in with Sir and seeing how much pleasure He gets from me in the right pair of shoes - i like all kinds of shoes, but my favourites are peep-toes, ballerina-style, and high heels and i'm grateful to Sir for letting me have so many different pairs :)

~ safeword - i'm very grateful for my safeword (and to Sir for letting me have one) because it allowed me to explore more extreme/intense things in the beginning than i would have done otherwise. Just knowing that i have it there incase i need it allows me to submit myself more fully, without having to worry about anything. It's like a seatbelt and airbags in a car - knowing you have them helps you relax more about the journey (at least to me it does).

~ Spring - i love all of the seasons in their own special ways, but right now i'm sick of the winter and really looking forward to spring - it's such a pretty, happy, hopeful time of year, full of new life and new plans and new hopes, and i'm grateful for all of that.

~ submission - this one is obvious, but i'm going to say it anyway - i'm thankful that i discovered this side of me and found the right Man and the right conditions to coax it out and let it blossom into what i am today.

~ sister - i probably don't appreciate her enough but i am grateful that i have a sister - someone to play with and share experiences with when i was younger, someone to move out into our first home with when we got older, someone to help look after Poppy now we live apart - and i'm also grateful that we get on so well because i know lots of sisters don't.

~ shopping - another girlie one, but i can't help being a typical girl in some ways! i love shopping (except for i find food shopping a bit boring) - whether it's by myself, with my mum or sister, with friends, with Sir or with Poppy, whether it's to buy things for myself, for others, for the house or just to window-shop - i find it very relaxing and therapeutic and the best bit is coming home and having another look at everything you bought!

~ sunshine - i'm not one of those people who suffer from SAD but i can see how that can affect some people because my mood is often linked to how much sunshine i have been able to soak up that day - it's much easier for me to be happy and confident on warm, bright sunny days when i've been able to spend time outdoors than it is on gloomy, overcast, dull days or when i've been stuck inside for a long time. So i'm grateful to the sun for being able to cheer me up.

~ Sir - the last but definitely not the least - i am sooooo grateful to Sir that He replied to my initial request for mentoring all that time ago, that He stuck by me and taught me so much, that He collared me and made me His full-time slave girl, that He has made me so happy with our baby together and our impending wedding. i love You Sir :)

deception

Sir has always told me right from the beginning to be careful about people online, because there are lots of frauds out there - both the kind who will prey on you, take your money, get you into trouble at work, stalk you, maybe even harm you and the kind who are not really into the lifestyle at all, not who they say they are, maybe even having several aliases and pretending to be several different people. Many of the fakes i can spot - from things they say or the way they act it is obvious they are not real BDSMers. But recently i've had experience of a different type of fraud and it disturbed me a little.

Without going into too much detail, on another chatroom programme i visit i became friends with a Master and His sub, who interact both online and in r/l. They both seemed genuine, friendly, honest, and most importantly 'proper' BDSMers, and i considered myself to be friends with each of them, though in a different way. Then for a while i wasn't able to get in touch with either of them - profiles were set to private, they were never available to chat, etc. and i got a bit worried so emailed the Master and found out that they had broken up due to the sub's 'dishonesty'. Basically it turns out she had multiple aliases on the chatroom programme, was flirting and interacting with other Doms through these, perhaps had even been collared by them or met up with them (though i'm not sure on this point) and owed the Master a substantial sum of money. I feel really disappointed that this person was not who i thought she was and that maybe she was just using me the same as she used everyone else.

But i also feel worried that i wasn't able to see through her like i normally can with the fake people, so it makes me wonder who else i have misjudged....

Thoughts from the survey

So, as promised, here are the survey results and my musings on them. There was a great discussion on the last post so i'm hoping people will chip in with their own thoughts on this one too :)

i had 34 people complete the survey - 21 female sub/slaves, 1 male sub, 2 female switches, 1 Mistress, 8 male Dom/Masters and 1 male 'other'. Nearly all of these listed some natural characteristics which i would class as being compatable with their role (e.g. 'caring', 'giving', 'need to please', 'sensitive', 'loving', 'mothering' etc. for subs/slaves, 'protective', 'in control', 'powerful', 'harsh', 'decisive', 'commanding' for Doms/Masters/Mistresses, and a mixture of the two for switches - however 3 people did not list any characteristics, 7 people (mainly male Doms) listed some characteristics which i would not necessarily class as being 'natural' for their role and 2 female subs listed some characteristics which i would usually associate with a Dominant role.

Overall, 82% of respondents believe their submission/Dominance comes naturally as a result of their personality, 1 male Dom did not think it was natural to Him and the rest were unsure. 18% of respondents believed that an event or nurture in their childhood had contributed to their role in BDSM (4 subs and 2 Doms), 64% thought nurture had not played a part and 18% were unsure. 41% of respondents thought nature was the main contributor to becoming involved in BDSM, 6% thought nurture, 41% thought both equally and 12% were unsure. What i found most interesting about this part of the survey is that some people voted for the opposite of what they believe about themselves in terms of what they think is the main reason other people get into BDSM (1 slave and 1 Dom who both felt they were naturally D/s and did not think that nurture played any part in their involvement in BDSM, both voted for nurture as being the main contributor to becoming involved in the lifestyle for others in general.) Also, there were far less people who felt that nurture/a childhood event had played a part in their own BDSM involvement than i expected, and of these 5 people none of them thought that nurture was the main contributor to BDSM involvement in general, again which surprised me.

Overall, i think the survey shows what the discussion on the last post on this brought out - that everyone in BDSM has different personality characteristics and upbringings, and that it's really not possible to say that someone is naturally predisposed to being Dom/sub or that being brought up in a certain way or being abused tends to lead to someone becoming Dom/sub. The whole thing is a lot more complex than i realised, and i'm going to make a big effort not to over-generalise or stereotype people anymore. But thanks to everyone who took part, i found it very interesting and i learnt a lot!

Wowwww what an afternoon! (If you haven't read part 1 of this post please find it here).

..... so, Sir did have lunch planned - when we got back from dropping Poppy off He had me go upstairs and take my clothes off and when i came back down He had spread 2 blankets on the living room floor, and there was loads of scrummy food laid out on one of them, but the only rules were that Sir was to feed me all of my lunch and He was to eat all of His lunch off of me! So we had a great time getting messy (me mainly) eating lovely things like prawns dipped in thousand island dressing, sliced boiled eggs dipped in salad cream, sausage rolls dipped in brown sauce, salad, quiche, coleslaw, and then strawberries and bananas dipped in chocolate sauce and cream. As you can tell from all the dipping i ended up with patches of various dips all over me :)

Then Sir ordered me onto the other blankie and He told me to get into various slave positions while He used feathers and icecubes and the wartenburg wheel on me, and i wasn't meant to move but i couldn't help it sometimes so i got some spanks as well. Then He had me kneel on all fours and He fucked me right there in the middle of the living room, squeezing my titties and making me squeal because they're achy at the moment from weaning Poppy onto formula milk. But it was great and He let me cum too and then we cuddled for a while before He said we should go and shower cos we were both quite sticky.

So we went upstairs and washed each other in the shower, but i got a lil bit cheeky and was washing Sir's cock and balls more thoroughly than i needed to so He suddenly turned me round, pinned me against the wall of the shower and pushed into my ass and fucked me again right there. Which was great except that my legs started going funny and it was hard for me to stand, so Sir had to kind of hold me up. And He came again deep inside me, but He didn't let me cum that time. Then He told me to wash Him off again gently that time, and i did as i was told, then He got out of the shower and told me to wash myself off and then He let me get out and dry myself, and we had a little while snuggling in bed together, eating chocolates before we went to collect Poppy again.

Oh, and i nearly forgot to mention the beautiful roses and posh Godiva chocolates that Sir bought for me as a present - thanks Sir and thanks for a lovely day! :)

Happy Valentine's day everyone! This morning was my part of the day to organise, and i had planned a surprise for my Sir as a joint Valentine's and birthday present. But before that i started the day off nicely by giving Him a nice foot rub and bringing Him a special Valentine's breakfast in bed (2 poached eggs cooked in the shape of hearts on heart-shaped toast sprinkled with pepper just how He likes them, coffee done just how He likes it, orange juice and some little heart-shaped chocolates). Then we got ourselves and Poppy ready and set off in the car to town.....

... to this place where i'd booked us in for a family photograph session in their studio. i was told to bring along different outfits for us all and anything i thought we could use in the photos (i was given ideas such as kites, hula hoops, balls, toys, etc) - so i'd packed 3 different outfits for each of us plus some toys Poppy likes, a pot of bubbles and some balloons. The reason i chose this place is because of the modern, fun, natural style of the photos they take. i didn't want a traditional family portrait, and i feel that the style of these ones better reflects the personality of our little family, plus i wanted something stunning and original to go on the big wall in our lounge since we took down the painting that used to be there.

Everyone there was lovely, and we had stylists to help us with our hair and makeup but they listened to what we wanted and didn't overdo it at all which was good. And they were great with Poppy, keeping her happy and entertained throughout. Then we went through to the studio and met the photographer, and he was nice too, really relaxed and friendly and told us just to play and have fun as a family and forget about the camera. So we played with the balloons and the bubbles, sometimes doing whatever we wanted and sometimes acting on advice from the photographer. And Poppy was really happy and playful and completely enjoying herself, which made it so much easier. We also asked for some shots just of Poppy and some just of me and Sir so that we can have smaller prints done of those maybe if we like them. The hour went by really quick, and by the end of it the photographer said he had taken over 300 photos! We haven't been able to see them yet, we've got to go back next week for that, but i know there were some really good ones in that lot so i'm soooo excited about seeing them. The prices for the framed photos can be quite high, but i've set some money aside for that as Sir's present and the rest of it we can get on a payment plan if we want to. me and Sir both agree it is worth it because we'll never have this opportunity again while Poppy is still a baby and we want to capture how our family is right now. Sir was really pleased with His present, He said it was a great surprise and i did well to think of it and organise it, which i was kind of relieved about because i was worried He would think it wasn't a proper Valentine's/birthday present as it's really for both of us. But He didn't think that at all :)

So that was my part of the day (oh and btw it included 2 things from my 101 list: 44. plan a complete surprise for Sir and 42. get a family portrait session done); we've just given Poppy her lunch and dropped her off at my mum's and now it's over to Sir for His planned surprise. i hope it includes lunch because i'm starvinggggggggg! i'll update everyone later about our Valentine's afternoon......

Sir's birthday

Today is Sir's birthday, though it doesn't seem like a whole year since the last one. He had to go to work, but we had a very nice snuggle when we woke up this morning and i brought Him a special breakfast in bed which He shared with me before He got up to shower :)

i'm waiting till Saturday to give Him His present because it's quite a big one so i'm combining it with Valentine's day, but it's a surprise so you'll have to wait till then just like He is :) But Poppy gave Him her present today - a photo of her in a nice silver frame to sit on His desk at work. He's been saying for a while now that He keeps meaning to take a photo of her into His office, so now she's done it for Him - He was really pleased when He saw it. It's a recent photo of her playing with one of the toys she got for Christmas and she's doing her happy smile for the camera. We'll keep updating the photos for Him as she grows.

Tonight we are just curled up together on the sofa, then in a little while we're going to snuggle in bed together and just chat and chill out. Saturday we have each planned a urprise for the other and Poppy is going round my mum's for the afternoon so it should be quite exciting :) Looking forward to that! But for now i'll just say "Happy birthday Sir and i love You loadsssssss".

adopted word

Following morningstar's example i went to the Oxford Dictionary site and adopted a word which is in danger of becoming extinct because hardly anyone uses it anymore. my word is 'odynometer' which means 'an instrument for measuring pain' - pretty appropriate huh? We'll see how many times i manage to say or write that word from now on.

nature or nurture?

This is the big question which is whizzing round my head at the moment - does an interest in the BDSM lifestyle arise mainly because of 'nature' (i.e. inbuilt personality characteristics which that person was born with) or 'nurture' (i.e. the type of childhood they had or specific events such as abuse which happened to them)? i have started a survey which deals with some of these issues, but i wanted to blog about my own thoughts now before i get influenced by the answers people give to my survey questions ;)

For me i would say my submission is definitely due to 'nature' - i was always a people-pleaser when i was little, wanting to help and serve and make other people's lives better, needing to know that others were pleased with me and wanted me and such like. And i was always intuitive, sensitive, empathetic, a good listener, caring, etc. Nothing happened in my childhood to 'cause' me to become submissive, there were no traumas, no abuse/assault, nothing that i can pinpoint that would have changed my mindset or nature in order to steer me onto this path. Infact i had vanilla relationships for quite a while before i accidentally discovered my submissive side, so i guess it's fair to say that i could well have stayed vanilla if i hadn't awoken the sleeping sub within me. Hmmm that's interesting to think about......

But when i read other subs' blogs or talk to people in emails or listen to conversations in chatrooms, it turns out that quite a high proportion of those subs/slaves were abused as children or sexually assaulted when fairly young, and this experience changed the wiring in their mind somehow so that from then on they were inclined to seek out D/s relationships (especially for sex), but ones which emulate the abuse in a consensual, healthy, fulfilling way rather than a destructive, hurtful way. Not sure if i got that exactly right, because i'm only going by my own interpretation of what all those other subs are trying to say, and i know everyone's experience is different, but that's the general impression i get. Some of those subs say they think they would still have turned out submissive even without the abuse/assault incident, but that it triggered something inside them which came to the fore and brought out their submissive tendencies a lot more. Which again is a very interesting comment....

So this is where my musings have led me so far. i think there are many many more people out there with natural submissive tendencies than are currently practicing or even interested in BDSM. Because lots of them haven't discovered those tendencies yet, and perhaps never will. When an abusive incident happens, that can often trigger off those latent submissive tendencies in people and so set them on a different path to the one they had been following, otherwise it is just sheer fluke that leads someone to discover their sub side (maybe they see something on TV or read something in a book which triggers off a desire within them). All of which is why there seems to be a high proportion of subs with a history of abuse, because that triggers the realisation of their nature which else may never be discovered, though in reality there are lots of people out there with submissive traits who just don't know it because the right thing hasn't happened to allow them to discover it.

Hmmm, i think i explained that right, anyone else care to chip in on this?

new survey on 'natural' D/s

i've decided to start doing polls and surveys again, but probably not as frequently as i used to. i'm going to use them to ask questions about aspects of BDSM i am interested in or have been thinking about, and then i can use other people's responses to hopefully help my own understanding of certain issues. Today's survey is all about whether nature or nurture play a bigger part in someone getting involved in the BDSM lifestyle, and also whether men are naturally Dominant and women are naturally submissive, which i discussed on here the other day.

Please would as many people as possible take the survey for me? It can be found here, and you don't have to leave your name or any personal details. Thanks :) (i'll post the results when i've got enough answers, prolly in a couple of weeks).

luna question #5

Ideally i like to answer these on a Friday (hence why i called that category 'question Friday'), but i wasn't feeling too great yesterday afternoon/evening, so i'm only just getting round to it now. This week's question is a really interesting one and i'd love it if other people also answered it in the comments, or linked to it on their blog, or whatever....

"What was your defining moment when you knew that you couldn't exist without facets of BDSM in your life?"

i had to think really hard about this, because my emersion into the BDSM world kind of happened gradually, so that at every moment (in the beginning) i thought of myself as 'just exploring' and able to back out if i wanted to. Now of course i don't think like that, but it's hard to know the precise moment when my thinking changed from 'just exploring' to 'this is my life'.

i think maybe it was when i spent a trial week at Sir's house back in Aug 2006. We had been in online/phone contact for 5 months and then r/l play/training sessions for another 4 months by then, when Sir said He was considering collaring me and having me move in with Him as His full-time sub, but first i had to prove myself by spending a week at His house, acting as i would do if i were to wear His collar. i went into that week hoping that i would do well, but not really knowing if i would be able to handle it, but i came out really really really hoping that i had done well enough for Sir to want to collar me and make me His 'proper' sub. So i guess that week was the turning point, when i went from 'let's see how this goes' to 'i want to live like this all the time'.

Not sure if that answers the question properly, but i hope it does!

pnd progress

i have been making good steady progress on the pnd front ever since Christmas it seems. Both my doctor and my counsellor are really pleased with how i'm doing and i'm having many more happy days than before, and not really any gloomy days anymore, just some gloomy moments but those are getting easier to get rid of.

Not sure if i mentioned before the project which i have been working on for a while now with my counsellor, but basically i am getting ready to write a letter to Joshua. So any thoughts i have to do with him (good or bad), things we talk about in sessions, anything i want to say to him or ask him or let him know, i am writing them all down. And then when i'm ready i'm going to use those notes to write him a letter, and then i'm going to read it to him somehow. Today Rosemary said she thinks i will be ready to write the letter after next week's session, and she wants me before then to think of how i want to read it to him. It doesn't have to be an out loud reading, it could be more symbolic (like burying it under his rose bush, or even burning it and scattering the ashes over the ground there), or i can choose to read it aloud to him by myself or with other people there if i want to. So i'm going to be thinking about that, and also start thinking about exactly what i want to say in the letter.

In a lot of ways i'm no longer the same person as i was when i started the counselling, because i have now let go of the guilt and the anger and much of the sadness, i now understand where those feelings came from and am dealing with the reasons behind them, i'm working through the bit of the grieving process which got abruptly halted before, and i'm believing people when they tell me it's not my fault and i shouldn't feel bad about having this pnd thing. It's a weird illness to have, because the more you deny it and try to hide from it the worse it gets - it's almost like you have to confront it, accept it and chip away at the foundations of it, and then you can get a proper handle on it rather than it having a hold over you. Once you can see the exact sixze of it and how it affects you, you can start to tackle it and make it shrink, until hopefully one day it will be gone entirely.

Sorry, not sure if any of that makes a whole lot of sense to everyone else, but i hope that people get from it that i'm doing better and getting close to beating this pnd thing once and for all. Wish me luck :)

Gratitude Tuesday - letter R

i've got lots and lots of things that i'm grateful for beginning with 'r', too many to whittle it down to 10 so i'm going to do 20 instead and just not say so much about each one! rabbits - because they are so sweet and fluffy and i love my bunny lots, and it was the first sign Poppy ever did rainbows - because they are so pretty and also the sign of hope roast dinners - because i love a nice, warm filling roast dinner on a lazy Sunday afternoon, with yorkshire puddings and crispy roast potatoes, stuffing and loads of gravy :) roses - because i love getting roses from people and also cos Joshua and Poppy each have their own rose plant in the garden rimming - because it feels sooo good and also i love to do it for Sir and listen to Him moan relationships - because i feel so much more whole when i'm in the right one(s) real life - because of what i have now compared to what i used to have online with Sir rain - because it smells so good and it waters the garden and makes everything seem fresh and new reality TV - because i'm nosey about other people's lives reflexology - because it helps to chill me out and get rid of the pnd cloud relaxation - because i need this to balance me out again respect - because this is an important part of all relationships, but especially D/s ones, and i think it has to work both ways routine - because i have to know what i'm meant to be doing and when razors - because otherwise Sir would have a thick tangly beard and i would have icky legs and underarms reading - because this is how i learn about the world and also keep myself entertained ribbons - because they're so pretty and girly and also they can bring out my inner child reviewing - because i like to look back and see how far i've come and what progress i've made riding - because it's a lot of fun and i love the horse i ride, and it was a childhood dream of mine to have lessons rope - because it feels so secure when it's tied round you and it leaves lovely marks afterwards romance - because i'm a softie at heart and i love to be romanced as well as treated mean Anyone got any others?

We got loads of snow in the night, so when i looked out of the window this morning everything was covered in a thick white blanket of fluffy snow and there was still more falling. i loveeeee snow, especially the big flakes which flutter down and land on your nose and eyelashes. And i love to be the first to step into snow and make footprints all across it and hear it crunch beneath my feet as i sink down into it.

Sir decided not to go to work today because it would have taken Him ages to dig the snow away from our driveway which goes all the way through a field before it gets to the road. And because we live in the countryside there's no gritters which come round our way so the roads would have been really bad, and Sir didn't fancy chancing it, especially as it was still snowing hard. So He phoned up to tell them He wasn't coming, and was told that most people were not coming in anyway so He could spend the day at home - yayyyy :)

So me and Sir and Poppy have had a lovely snuggly day, curled up inside in the warm together. i did take Poppy out in it earlier, but it was falling a bit too fast for her liking and she got cold quickly so i took her back in and then went back out to make a little snowman cos i hardly ever get the chance to make those. Sir had hot chocolate waiting for me when i got back inside, which was lovely, and He made His special chunky vegetable soup for lunch which was delicious and Poppy even tried some and she liked it too :)

This afternoon we have been playing games and chatting and watching DVDs, and it's been great, nice and relaxed and cosy. Only thing is i have to reschedule Poppy's doctor appointment now because it's the one where she gets weighed and measured and also i have some questions to ask him. But i'm sure he can fit her in sometime soon. Kinda hoping the snow will go away for tomorrow though, because i'll get really bored if we get stuck inside for too long, but it was nice to have one proper snowy day for a change.

More ponderings

i know it's Monday and technically the Sunday musings should really be posted on the Sunday, but if i mused them yesterday but am only getting chance to post them today that counts right?.... So i was thinking some more about the article i read last week, on the 9 levels of submission. And i'd like to relabel the levels so that they make more sense to me, and also talk a bit about #9 and how it could be possible in r/l. If i were to do 9 levels of submission they'd be a bit like this: 1. masochist - into pain but only during sex, and very much an equal in the relationship (does not submit or serve in any way), sets the boundaries and dictates how the scene will play out - getting their pain needs met only. 2. bottom - will 'submit' but only during sex, and has a long list of limits and requirements which must be met, dictates when and where and how the scene will happen but may agree to follow orders/be tied up etc. during the actual scene itself - role-plays being submissive during sex. 3. play/scene sub - submits during scenes (may be at play parties or on a casual basis with Dom/mes known to them), has some limits but agrees to give themself over to be used by the Dom/me for the duration of the scene, allows the Dom/me to dictate how the scene will play out - submissive during sex/play only. 4. part-time sub - probably in a committed relationship with a Dom/me and submits outside of sex/play, but not all the time (might be 'weekends only' or '2 hours every evening' or 'when i feel in a submissive mood i'll put my collar on so you know'), serves the Dom/me in all ways within limits during those set times - submissive some of the time. 5. online/LDR sub - in a committed relationship with a Dom/me, but not physically with that person (remains in telephone/email/webcam/chatroom contact), feels submissive to the Dom/me all the time and acts within their rules but limited by the lack of physical interaction and presence - submissive in all agreed aspects but lacks r/l experiences. 6. full-time sub - as above but visits (frequently) or lives with their Dom/me, and thus is able to submit physically as well as mentally - submissive in all agreed aspects. 7. online/LDR slave - in a committed, collared relationship with a Dom/me, gives consent once to all future treatment and agrees to abide by whatever the Dom/me wishes, hands over control of all aspects of their life, but again limited by the lack of physical interaction - submissive always and in all aspects but lacks r/l experiences. 8. slave - as above but usually lives with their Dom/me, and thus submits physically as well as in all other ways - submissive 24/7 and in all aspects. 9. TPE slave - as above but has no limits at all and usually has harsh restrictions (for example on contact with the outside world, eating, sleeping, clothing and toileting arrangements) - property of the Dom/me to do with as they wish.

The reason people debate whether #9 is possible in r/l is to do with legal and ethical aspects - like it's not actually legal to sign yourself over to someone else, or to keep someone locked up in your house, beat them for every transgression, withold food from them, etc. even if they agreed to it and signed their name on the 'contract', and also most people find it difficult to treat someone else as an animal or a piece of property, so many so-called TPE relationships are not that different from 'normal' slave ones. But having said that, kaya and her Master were trying for something more extreme at one point, i believe 'brainwashing' was even mentioned, and the idea was that she would become completely cut off from the outside world and totally immersed in Him and dependent on Him, that He would change her thinking and her mindset and mould her into the person He wanted her to be. i know that went a little wrong when she discovered a limit that she could not cross, and it shook her world and all of our's reading her blog, but i still think the TPE relationship is possible. i was in email contact for a brief while with a slave who had not been out of the house for years, was not allowed any contact with anyone besides her Master, had no access to newspapers, magazines, TV, etc so did not know any of the news from the outside world..... although part of me doubts whether it was all a lie. i guess i'll never know.

Not sure if any of that made sense or if i've just rambled here, but i hope other people will chip in with their views. (Oh, and sorry if i've offended anyone, please remember this is just my own opinion on things).