a submissive's musings: April 2009

Is kinky ever too kinky?

Every week i get an email article written by Jack Rinella (His website is here), discussing a BDSM issue. Often they're not all that relevant to me, but i still enjoy reading them, but this week the question discussed was one i have asked myself in the past, so i thought it would be worth returning to this topic to see how my thoughts have evolved on it. Basically the question is: is all kinky play considered 'OK' so long as the participants involved know and accept the risks, or are there certain activities which are not 'OK' and should not be accepted by those in the BDSM lifestyle?

Basically, i think there are 2 issues here: firstly that when people get into BDSM they have a longgggggg list of things that are too much for them, things they think are too risky or too intense or too extreme or whatever. But as they start playing and trying things out they quickly find that they want to push their boundaries more and more, so that things which seemed new and exciting at the beginning soon become mundane and ordinary, and there's always that search for the next thrill, the next type of play, the next level of intensity. And some people never stop in that quest, so that after a while the types of play they seek to engage in to get that same thrill of excitement and fear of the unknown and risky are way extreme, very dangerous and probably illegal. i haven't actually had that issue, though in the beginning i worried that i might - me and Sir are happy with our range of activities we engage in and because it's quite a wide range, and Sir is careful to mix things up and not repeat the same type of play too frequently, it still seems new and exciting and thrilling. That's not to say that He doesn't introduce new types of activities sometimes, because He does, and part of my training is always to become competent with different types of play, but there are some things that Sir will never take part in because He deems the risks to be too great (things like breathplay, for example), so we both have limits on what we will try.

The other part to this question comes from the fact that as the BDSM community is so diverse, it becomes necessary to adopt an attitude of acceptance in order to get along within it. We are always told to accept each other's kinks and fetishes, to not discriminate against others because of their sexual orientation or BDSM role, to allow for others to have different interpretations of labels and what they mean, to respect the fact that everyone follows the lifestyle in a different way, with different rules and rituals and protocols. But sometimes i think this can lead to us being too accepting, too ready to say "it's not my kink, but your kink is OK', to turn a blind eye to things which are recklessly dangerous and outright illegal/immoral, just because we're surrounded by this "everyone must accept everyone else's lifestyle" point of view. Sometimes i think there need to be clearer boundaries drawn, with lists of things which are not tolerated by the main BDSM community, so that we distance ourselves from the too extreme end of the spectrum, just as we distance ourselves from the predators who pose as Doms/Masters in order to carry out their crimes.

Just my view, but i'd be interested to hear other people's...... (and i deliberately didn't go into specifics about what the too extreme types of play are, because i don't think this is the place for it. But i'm sure people have a good idea of the things i mean.)

Pilates, preparations and play

That sums up my day yesterday! It was a busy day, but busy in a good way and all those 3 'p' things are important in my life right now so i thought i'd take the time to write about them:

~pilates: i've been interested in trying out pilates or yoga for a while now and i found out about some beginners' classes starting this week in a dance studio near me. The only thing i was worried about was the fact they are on Weds which means i will need to leave Poppy with my mum in the morning and then take her to nursery in the afternoon, and as both of these are new to her routine i was concerned about starting them both at once. But as some wise person advised me recently, Poppy has always coped with changes of routine, people and place before, and it's good for her to get used to things like that now so she can be more adaptable when she's older, like when she has to go to school. So i decided to try it for a few weeks and see how we both get on.

Well i needn't have worried about Poppy! She really is such a good girl, happy to get to spend time playing with her Grandma (apparently they formed an orchestra out of the pots and pans in the kitchen and both had a great time drumming along to the radio!), and no problem when i left her in her new room at nursery for a couple of hours in the afternoon either (i went back in to collect her at the end and found her in one of the staff member's lap getting her to play 'peekaboo' over and over (one of her favourite games at the moment) and giggling happily at this very clever game) :). And the pilates class was great too - i was worried it would be too much for me to do that and then go into work for the afternoon, but since this is a beginners' class the man started off nice and slow, working on basic posture and positions with us, and doing gentle stretching exercises which he says we're going to build on in the next few weeks. He came round correcting our positions and encouraging us to be 'still and straight' in certain areas, but other than that he said we all did well, and i found it relaxing and refreshing at the same time, and am looking forward to going back. It's meant to be really good for posture and flexibility too. Oh, and it means i get to cross yet another thing off my 101 list - #15. try out yoga/pilates!!

~ preparations - for returning to work i mean. i have now done 3 'back to work' visits, spending more and more time in the room each time, letting the children get used to me, getting to know more about them (lots of them are new since i went on maternity leave), chatting to the staff and especially to the woman who has been running the unit in my absence and generally finding out what's been going on. The woman who replaced me is really lovely and has done a great job while i've been away, and she will still be there for half of the week but she says she's looking forward to cutting down on her hours as it's such a busy and intense job! And the other staff in the room all said they're looking forward to me coming back which was nice. And the children are soooooo adorable, even though some of them are quite a handful! We've still got E the little girl with severe physical disabilities and epilepsy, and G our little autistic boy who is like a whirlwind because he's always on the go but showing so much affection now too. And then there's 6 other children who are new to me - A a little Indian girl with no official diagnosis but i suspect she has autism, who loves rough and tumble and being active but can hit out and bite people around her without warning, S a little girl cutie with Down Syndrome who is very happy and content, plays nicely and loves singing and music, L a little boy with ADHD who swears and has a huge stubborn streak but is such a little character that i love him already, J a little boy with partial paralysis down one side of his body but such a cute smile and a cheeky nature, though he can throw the most enormous temper tantrums, B a bright verbal boy who needs to learn how to share and take turns, and P a quiet little boy who uses a walker to get around and keeps himself to himself but has a lot of potential to be tapped into. Soooo i've got my work cut out with this lot, but am looking forward to the challenge already :)

~ play - then, in the evening on the chatroom i got to play with another sub :) As part of my ongoing training i am required to be more flirty and playful with the other subs in the chatroom, and try to scene with some of them when i can. i find other subs the most difficult to scene with because of my shyness issues, and because there's not that many of them that i feel comfortable enough to scene with, and also because i'm not used to scenes where nobody is giving orders and instructions! But yesterday i took the opportunity to slide myself into m's lap and do some gentle stroking and twiddling, and when her response was positive i used my mouth on her, and when she responded we just kind of took it from there and it ended up with me cumming everywhere! She had to go soon after which was a shame but i spent the rest of the time snuggled in my blankie, grinning to myself until i got drowsy and went off to bed. Thanks m for a great scene :)

So there you have it - my busy Wednesday. Taking the time to chill out a little today - we went to our last ever baby signing class this morning, which i'm a bit sad about but neither of us really need to go anymore as Poppy is signing and talking well. Going to relax this afternoon and think some more about the topic i want to blog about tomorrow.

libby

xxxxx

Labels

Reading this post today reminded me of my previous obsession with labels and which one fitted me and whether i was really that label or another one and did everyone else see me as that label or something else and did it matter if different people gave me different labels and what would happen if i were to change my label and so on.... i used to think it was really important to find the right label for yourself (in a BDSM sense i mean) and make sure everyone else (in the lifestyle) knew which label you were and ensure you lived up to that label at all times. Because if you didn't then maybe you'd have to get another label instead. It all seems a bit silly now but i remember being quite worried about it at the time, especially when i thought that some people would label me as a slave when i moved in permanently with Sir, and i definitely wasn't one of those, nuh uhhh, no way..... except it turned out that i was, i was just scared of being called one mainly because of my preconceptions of what that label entailed. So i guess what i'm trying to say here is that my thoughts and views on labels (BDSM ones at least) have changed. So i'm going to do a brief update post on what i think of them now. For one thing, i still call/label myself as a slave, as bisexual, as poly (though i always take care to explain exactly what kind of poly incase people get the wrong idea), etc. And i still see Sir as a Master and a Dom. None of that has changed. And i will happily 'label' myself and others i know if people ask me to. i've not become one of those people who refuse to put a label on themselves, because they won't be put into a box or whatever (not that there's anything wrong with that view, btw). But what has changed is my emphasis on labels. i no longer care if someone else wants to give me a different label to the one i give myself, or not give me a label at all. i no longer care if someone i meet in BDSM circles doesn't know what my label is, and i no longer feel the need to tell them all of my labels in the first 5 minutes just so they know exactly who and what i am. i no longer care about which labels other people give themselves, and whether those match with the labels i would have given them. i no longer care what the 'official' definition is of each BDSM label or how other people's definitions match up with mine or which of those definitions i most fit with. Because i've come to realise that it's actions which matter in this lifestyle - the way you conduct yourself and the things you do, tell people a lot more about you than the label you give yourself. And yes sometimes the way people act is in direct conflict with the label they call themselves by, and guess which one i now give more emphasis to? Their actions, because those come from their heart and reveal their true personality and thoughts much more than what they choose to call themselves. So yes i still label myself as certain things, but i hope that i show others through my conduct and actions that i am Sir's slave, much more than that they 'know' it by me telling them. If that makes sense....

3 more...

Quick update on the 101 list - i've recently been able to cross off 3 more items!

#52. play with a Domme in real-life: this happened during the latest training with Ma'am, and though i was fumbly and unsure, it still counts. And no i'm not quite ready to write about it yet but maybe soon!

#54. scene with one new Dom and one new sub on P&H: this happened ummmm last week i think, with a Dom (N) who showed interest in me and we got chatting and He ended up doing an erotic massage scene with me, and then halfway through i got a pm from another sub (l) asking to join in, so she came over and did lovely things to my feet and toes and legs and thighs. she wanted to do more but i was feeling real shy because i don't know her that well, but it was still a great scene and i think if we ever scened again i would be more adventurous.

#87. bottle-feed a lamb: i did this at the farm this weekend and it was every bit as sweet as i imagined it would be, now i want a pet lamb all of my very ownnnnnnnnn!

Happy bunny day!

Firstly, sorry to everyone who has problems reading posts written in yellow like this but it *is* Easter so i got to use this colour, right? Secondly, i think Easter might just be my favourite celebration of the whole year because it's so pretty and you get lots of chocolate and there's pictures of sweet baby animals everywhere. Though i usually feel that every celebration is my favourite when we come to it! But this has been a really great Easter weekend, and Poppy's first one ever so i thought i'd write all about it....

Yesterday we did our Easter celebrations with just the 3 of us - after an early horse-riding lesson for me (with Sir and Poppy watching and mooching round feeding the other horses) we drove to a farm and spent the rest of the day there. They had a special Easter weekend, with an egg hunt round the farm, a duckling trail to follow, an Easter bonnet competition, a 'meet the Easter bunny' event, and lots of cute baby chicks, bunnies and lambs to pet and feed. Poppy absolutely loved everything except she was afraid of the person dressed up in the Easter bunny suit and cried when he tried to come over and talk to her! And i did get to fulfil my wish of bottle-feeding a lamb at the 'feeding time' show/talk - crikey those lambs are frisky and they really go for it with their drinking, but they were soooooo cute and i got to pet it's little woolly curls whilst holding onto the bottle for dear life with the other hand!

Poppy's favourite parts of the day were meeting the animals in the petting barn (rabbits, guinea pigs, rats and ferrets) - she adores little animals like this and will happily sit among them letting them climb on her and run around her; playing in the sandpit - she could have stayed there for hoursssss; and being pulled around the farm in her very own car which they have for children :) We're thinking of holding her birthday party there next year when she's a bit bigger and can properly make use of all the kids stuff they've got there.

Then today we had a busy Easter Sunday - in the morning we exchanged Easter eggs and i got a scrummy Cadburys Creme Egg gift set from Sir and a gold Lindt bunny from Poppy. We didn't let Poppy get any chocolate eggs this year because she hasn't had chocolate yet and we wanted to put that off for a while, so instead we gave her a really cute toy bunny and a chick toy which cheeps when you hold it in your hand :) After breakfast we joined in the village Easter egg hunt, which is held on one particular farm near us and lots of families go to it and have a good time. i helped Poppy find some eggs, but she was more interested in crawling round on the grass and 'chatting' away to all the people there! There's other events and stuff that go on after the egg hunt but we had a prior engagement so off we went round my parents' and had a scrummy Easter lunch there (turkey with all the trimmings), which Poppy really enjoyed too, and i got more Easter goodies! We came home in the middle of the afternoon and me and Poppy made chocolate Easter nests for tea (and got in a right mess!) and then i decorated eggs with pictures of chicks and bunnies and flowers and rainbows. Sir's mum came round for tea and we had decorated boiled eggs with dippy soldiers, hot cross buns and chocolate nest cakes - perfect. Anddddd i got yet more chocolate for Easter :)

So a lovely Easter, we all had a good time, especially Poppy, and i'm feeling nice and full of chocolate now (today i was allowed to eat it whenever i liked but from tomorrow the usual rules apply of having to wait until Sir gives me permission - oh well!). Happy Easter to everyone and i hope you all got lots of yummy chocolate too :)

What are you famous for?

i know it's not Friday, but i figure that these kind of things don't matter anymore now that i have relaxed my (self-imposed) rules on blog posts a bit..... Felt like doing a Plinky today, and found this one which can easily be adapted to make it D/s related:

I am well-known in the BDSM chatrooms for claiming to be a 'slutty angel and an angelic slut' - i think this sums up the 2 sides of my personality very well and somehow i can be both things at the same time! Even though i am now quite an experienced real-life slave i have still maintained my aura of sweetness and naivety (or so i'd like to think), so this makes me a bit different. i used to claim to be an 'innocent virgin' (mostly tongue in cheek) but don't think i have been able to get away with that one for a long time now!

Domme difficulties

As some people might remember, i recently started real-life training with a Domme acquaintance of Sir's. This follows on from but is also running simultaneously to the online Domme play i started a while back, as Sir wants me to continue this as and when possible. i have been really nervous about doing the real-life stuff because i am shy with women, much more so Dominant women and i was worried about what would be expected of me. And it seems i was right to be worried....

So far there have only been 2 training sessions with Ma'am, but both of them have been intense and difficult. i have been given a training diary which Ma'am fills in after every visit, and it has my 'lessons' in it - one per page - which i am required to work on each time. At the end of every visit Ma'am fills in a comment about how well i did on each lesson, and She says that when i complete a lesson a photo will be taken and stuck in and then we will move onto a new one. So far i have 3 lessons i am working on:

#1. proper preparation for Ma'am's visits: i don't really know what this entails since i am meant to work it out for myself, but so far i have figured out that i am to be kneeling nude in the hallway ready for when Ma'am arrives and i am to make sure i am nice and clean all over with my finger- and toenails neatly polished.

#2. remaining still and silent throughout the session: this one is really hard for me because i am used to being allowed to make noises and squirm about with Sir, but Ma'am has completely different rules and no matter what She does to me i am expected not to make any noise or movement at all - She says i can take a big breath in but that's it. So far i have not done very well with this one at all :(

#3. feeling my place with Ma'am: again i'm not really sure yet what this one means, but She says it will become clearer as we go on. So far Her comments under this one have been 'libby is starting to get a glimpse of where her true place lies in relation to me', whatever that means?

i think some of the reason i find this training so difficult (besides the fact it is new and i am so not comfortable with Women in the same way i am with Men) is that i don't know what i am doing. With Sir He always discusses training with me and tells me exactly what He expects and what i need to work on, and although i kind of have that with Ma'am's training diary, the way she works is very mysterious and vague and nothing is spelt out in any detail. It's just a new way of working for me, but at the moment i'm finding it really hard to get to grips with, and also i'm a bit disappointed that i'm not yet able to do better than i am. So it looks like this is going to be a longggggggggggg section of training for me :/

new New Year's resolution

my New Year's resolution about posting at least 25 posts per month on this blog has been scrapped. It wasn't working out, and with all the other pressures on my time at the moment (looking after Poppy, doing the housework, serving Sir, resuming my training, getting ready to go back to work, preparing for the wedding, etc) i just don't have the time to post on here as frequently as i used to. So, at Sir's suggestion i have changed that resolution for this one:

#1. to maintain a healthy balance between my 'slave', 'mummy', 'wife' and 'nursery nurse' roles - now i am returning to work (part-time) and getting married soon, i think it will be important for me to focus on developing all 4 of my roles but not letting one dominate to the detriment of the others. i did well with balancing my 'slave' and 'mummy' roles last year, so i'm hopeful that with a bit of work i'll be able to incorporate these 2 additional roles into the mix as well. Wish me luck!

Re-evaluation

So, following my last post on my recent problems with knowing what to write about and keeping to my 25+ posts per month target, i had a chat with Sir about the whole issue during one of our weekly 'free talk' times. And as usual Sir was able to give me some more perspective on the whole thing, and offer several suggestions (and one order) for me regarding my upkeep of this blog. Which sorted things out in my head a lot and helped me chill out about the whole thing. Here's His suggestions, and the one i am going to act on:

~ i could set my blog to private and only have me, Sir and flame read it - that way i wouldn't feel under pressure to post regularly for my audience, to keep them entertained or keep up the numbers in my followers list, etc.

~ i could have a set area to post about each day (like i already started with the 'Gratitude Tuesday', 'question Friday' and 'Sunday musings') and i would have to do a post about that even if i didn't feel like it.

~ i could be given a list of things to post about by Sir and have to follow those guidelines rigorously.

~ i could change my New Year's resolution, stop worrying about the quantity of posts and concentrate instead on the quality - only posting when i have something worthwhile and interesting.

..... i went for suggestion #4, so although the number of posts here might fall a little, i hope to post at least 2 or 3 times every week, and those posts should be more substantial, informative and thought-provoking than if i am just writing a post for the sake of it or to get my numbers up. i hope that all my regular readers will understand that and continue to read here, and follow me, and leave comments, and vote in polls, and all of that other stuff, because the feedback i get from my blog really does help me and it's one of the reasons i want to keep blogging.

Oh, and the order from Sir which i had to follow? i had to take a 1 week break from this blog (since my last post) and get clear in my mind what i wanted to do, and where i wanted to take this blog from here. Which i have done, and it was a really useful break, and i am much clearer now about the purpose of this blog, and how i want it to develop. And since changing my New Year's resolution i feel a lot less pressured to write here which i think is going to help me a great deal. So everything's good :)