a submissive's musings: May 2009

remembering

Tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of us finding out that we had lost our first baby Joshua. If you haven't already, you can read about it here. Last year i was feeling very sad and also very guilty on this day - sad because we didn't have Joshua but also guilty because i was so happy with our new baby Poppy (who had been born 6 days before) and guilty that i was spending so much time thinking about her and not about Joshua. And it was those kinds of feelings which led to me developing post-natal depression and needing counselling for a few months.

But this year everything is different. Yes, i still feel sad when i think of Joshua, but it's more of a distant sadness now, and i know that he's in a good place and he's fine where he is. And i also know that he came to fulfill a certain role, and also that he will return to us when the time is right. So it's not goodbye forever, just until we see him again (well actually till we see him for the first time, because we never even got to see him on a scan before he left us). But i have none of the guilt now, because i know i am a good mummy to both my children, just in different ways because they have very different needs. Joshua doesn't need changing or feeding or reading bedtime stories to like Poppy does, but he does need remembering and talking about to know we still think about him.

So tomorrow is going to be a normal day in our house, except that at some point during the day i'm going to take the time to sit by Joshua's rose bush (which is sooooooo beautiful this year) and send him a special message to let him know i haven't forgotten what day it is and i haven't forgotten him. And i never will. Then i'm going to spend the rest of the day appreciating the family i've got and i'll give Poppy an extra special hug when she goes up to bed, to let her know just how much i love her too.

Joining in

There's a new blog meme going round, and although i haven't been directly tagged for it like i was for the 'sexy blogger award' one, quite a few of the blogs i read have said things like 'if you're on my blog list i tag you' or 'if you're reading this consider yourself tagged' or 'if you haven't already done this meme and want to then take this as me tagging you' soooooo............

i have to name 7 things about me, which seems easy enough but i've decided to try and list things which i haven't mentioned before on here, so they will be new libby facts to everyone who reads this blog no matter how well you already know me. And i've also decided to keep them BDSM-related, too. Which is a bit more challenging, but i'll do my best:

#1. Before i placed the ad asking for a Dom Mentor to guide me online (and responded to Sir's reply, and the rest is history) i was in chatroom correspondence with another Dom for a while and initially things were going really well but then He started setting me tasks which were beyond my capabilities and pressuring me to meet up with Him too soon, so i ended contact with Him and had a rethink (i explained all my reasons to Him in an email and He replied saying He understood and i was doing the right thing if that's how i felt). Looking back on it i don't think He was one of the 'bad guys' online, i think He was a genuine Dom and i most probably wouldn't have come to any harm by Him, but i think He was more out for what He could get out of the situation (i.e. a new sub to add to His collection of playmates) rather than looking out for my needs as a very new and inexperienced emerging submissive (later i saw that He had placed an ad on the same site as me asking for a sub to scene with in real-life).

#2. When i first started meeting up with Sir i had a huge list of 'limits' (things i thought i would never ever be able to even contemplate doing), which included many things which now i find quite normal (e.g. gags, clamps, floggers, etc). Sir had to sit down with me and explain what the term 'limit' meant, and then sent me away to make 2 separate lists - one of genuine limits (which was still longer then than it is now and prolly included items it didn't need to, but Sir accepted it as it was and let me find that out for myself), and one of BDSM activities which frightened me to think about them (and this was a longggggggg list). Then He very gently and gradually introduced me to the vast majority of things on my second list over the next few months and i found that each and every one of them was actually enjoyable when i experienced it so that list got whittled down to nothing quite quickly! And then He began to work on my liimits list, work which is still ongoing because after a little while we got down to discovering the ones which are genuine limits and they're much harder to work on.

#3. The very first time i was called on to 'serve' in the P&H chatroom i was sooooo nervous i was literally shaking. i was convinced this was the moment i would be found out as a complete novice and sent away because i wasn't good enough, and all the other subs would be laughing at my pathetic attempt and none of the other Doms would ever call on me to scene ever again. But the Dom scening with me knew that i was new to all this and He was very reassuring in pm, though He did push and challenge me (compared to what i could do at the time, now it would be a fairly easy scene for me), and afterwards He made sure to tell me how pleased He was with me and gave me a message to pass on to Sir about how well i had done. And i remember getting good comments from the other Doms and subs who had watched the scene, and being so surprised. That's the moment when i realised that 'subhood' wasn't some elite club that i was teetering about on the edge of wishing i could join, i was one :)

#4. OK, now for some slightly shorter ones......! i love having my feet massaged and played with, but when that includes the insides of my toes it makes me drip and shiver uncontrollably because it just feels so good.

#5. i love the work on kink.com, and often watch the free trailers of their work whenever Sir tells me to go look at some porn - i started off with hogtied and sex&submission but my favourite now is device bondage.

#6. i love the feeling of having Sir's cum oozing out of me after we have sex, especially if it comes from my bottom, it just makes me feel like i've got a dirty little secret and i want to curl up and smile to myself about it.

#7. Sometimes when i want to get myself looking all sexy and nice for Sir i make sure my nails are freshly painted (fingers and toes), put lipstick on my pussy lips and nipples, and that's it! Walk into a room where He is looking like that, stand demurely in front of Him to be inspected, and He just leaps on me and drags me off to where He can well and truly use me :)

If you want to do this meme on your own blog, consider yourself tagged! And if you got any questions about these answers please feel free to ask.

Happy birthday Poppy!!

Today Poppy is 1 year old! It's hard to believe that her first year has gone by so quickly, i can still remember that very first moment of holding her, or of bringing her home from the hospital, and the first special days of having her at home with all the night feedings and endless changing of nappies. But in another way it's hard to remember what it was like when it was just me and Sir before we had Poppy and i can never ever imagine not having her in our lives now, so i guess in some ways it feels like she has been with us for always. Yesterday i spent some time looking back through the photo albums i made of her first few months, and i've sorted out all the photos i want to add to those but haven't got round to doing so yet. i'm going to make some time this week to get that done, so then we'll have albums for the whole of Poppy's first year of life. It's amazing to see how much she's grown in that short space of time, and how far she's developed already. She has so many skills and she learns new ones everyday, babies really are little miracles!

Yesterday we had Poppy's birthday party, and it was a great success. The weather was really kind to us, infact it was hotter than we'd expected and we ended up having to fill up Poppy's new paddling pool and whizz down to the shops for icecreams for everyone. But it was lovely to spend time in the garden with our friends and family, and watch Poppy playing with her baby friends and her 2 cousins, so happy and contented in the sunshine. We hired a ball pool and a bouncy castle for the kids, and those combined with Poppy's paddling pool and sandpit, which were her presents from us, kept the kids entertained for hours. Sir did a BBQ for the adults and i put out lots of little party snacks for the kids so they could eat on and off throughout the afternoon. Then we brought out the birthday cake, which was in the shape of a caterpillar, covered in chocolate and sweeties and veryyyyyyy popular with the children and the adults (though we did also have a grown-up dessert of sponge, meringue, cream, berries and sauce, laced with licquer!). The babies all took a nap in the afternoon, which gave us adults time to chat and catch up, and then it was back to more fun and games before everyone went home and we took a very tired but happy little girl inside to get settled down for the evening.

Poppy got some great presents too - a bubble machine which is great because she absolutely loves bubbles but wants them blown continuously which is tiring after a while, an easel and painting set, a 'tickle me Elmo' which makes her giggle whenever it's switched on, a 'baby laptop' (!) which we haven't tried out yet, quite a few cute clothes for the summer, finger paints (i can see that getting messy), and lots of musical and activity toys. She was very very lucky with her presents, good job she's too little to really be spoiled yet. And of course she loved the wrapping paper and the boxes just as much as the contents!

Today we're going to the airshow at the seaside, planning on checking out all the sideshows and entertainment, as well as watching the flying displays (the red arrows are meant to be performing which i'm looking forward to), having fish and chips and an icecream on the beach and trying out our new sand toys which we got for the sandpit but should work just as well at the seaside! Also we want to take Poppy in the sea properly for the first time because we didn't take her swimming costume with us last time, but it might be a bit cold for her so we'll see what the weather is like.

Happy birthday Poppy, and here's looking forward to another great year :)

Domme training update

i wrote a bit about this before, but i was feeling too shy and insecure to go into many details about it. However, i am now getting more used to this weekly training session and there have been some improvements, though slow, so i think the time is right to describe the training and my reactions to it in more depth......

Before Ma'am (that's what i'm told to call Her, though i do know Her name because She is an old friend/acquaintance of Sir's) arrives, i have to make sure i am ready for Her by getting the dungeon (barn) ready, asking Sir for the key to His toybox which i am to give to Ma'am when She arrives, having a bath and making sure i am clean and smooth all over with perfectly polished nails (fingers and toes), stripping off naked and attaching something to my nipples (Ma'am likes this part to vary and be a surprise so sometimes i use nipple charms or danglies, sometimes suckers, sometimes clamps), and kneeling in the hallway by the time She is due. Then when Sir opens the door to Her i am to remain still and silent in my kneel until She gives me an instruction (which is usually to 'present' myself to be inspected by Her). And then we usually go straight to the dungeon to begin.

Sir does not come with us anymore, though He did the first couple of times just to make sure i was Ok, but i am more familiar with Ma'am now and He knows i don't need Him to be there (though i would prefer it if He was, but Ma'am prefers it if He isn't!). Ma'am uses mainly Sir's toys and equipment on me for hygiene reasons (floggers and buttplugs and such like), though She has given me/Sir a 'present' of her favourite type of gag/harness because we didn't already have it and it's the type she likes to use if possible. Will post a link to a similar one when i can find it (btw i absolutely hated it at first but now i'm getting kinda used to it with Her, though the other day Sir mentioned He might start using it and that thought filled me with horror for some reason. i think it's just that it's very hard to look sexy in this kind of gag.) In many ways the things that Ma'am does with me are similar to those Sir would and has and still does with me, but there are 2 main differences:

#1. Ma'am is not about 'turning me on' or getting me excited or giving me pleasure or granting me release. i am not allowed or expected to cum during our sessions, though afterwards i am usually surprised at how wet i am. Ma'am never touches me down there, never stimulates me down there, and has said that She never will. Also, contrary to my initial expectations so far She has not wanted me to pleasure Her, infact i can't remember ever actually touching Her at all. Though i guess we may move onto that in future sessions because She has talked quite a bit about how girls are different to boys when they pleasure a Domme.....

#2. Ma'am tends to avoid tying me up if she can, prefering me to have to remain in the position She has put me in through my own will. She does use spreader bars and cuffs sometimes, and She makes good use of the furniture in our dungeon, but even then there is always an element of me having to keep still and in the correct place. This is one of the main things we are working on at the moment - me keeping still and silent no matter what She does to me, and at first it was very very difficult because it is completely different to what i am used to with Sir, but i have worked hard on this and it is getting easier now. i just breathe deeply whenever i want to cry out and this helps me control it until the urge goes away, though the not moving thing is harder and i still flinch sometimes.

So, as i said, it is getting easier to fulfill Ma'am's wishes now, which i am soooo relieved about because there was a point when i thought i would never get it. She says i am doing well, and She wants to work on the same targets for a few more sessions before we move onto the next thing (haven't been told what that is yet). Oh, and also i have a training diary with Ma'am, which she sticks photos into some weeks when i make good progress, writes 'lessons' (targets) for me to work on, and makes comments on how i have performed that week. i find this really useful to look back on, as it reminds me of the things i must work on and encourages me by Her positive comments when i have got things right. Sir is also pleased with how i am doing so far, though He says there will need to be a break in my Domme training at regular intervals so i don't get too overloaded with it. i think He is hoping for me to finish this lot of sessions and at least start the next before then though. We'll see how it goes....

(Please feel free to ask questions if i haven't covered everything here, am really tired at the moment so there may well be something i forgot to mention).

Oooooohs

Firstly i want to let people know that i'm gonna be trying a new colour scheme on here with regards to my writing as several people have told me that they find the yellow/green colours too hard to read on the white background. So i'm going to try out different shades of pink and purple to go with the rest of the blog, please let me know if this makes my writing any easier to read!

Now for the 'ooooooooohs':

1. i can cross off another thing on my 101 list (actually i've been able to cross this off for a week or so but haven't got round to it) because me and Sir took Poppy to the seaside on the bank holiday weekend and she absolutely loved playing in the sand, so much so that we then went out and bought her a sandpit for her birthday which is coming up at the end of the month! So i can cross off #46 on my list :)

2. i got into a 'best submissive blogs list' on luna's fab site! i was seriously so excited when i saw my blog on there, i showed it to Sir all proudly :) There's only 16 blogs in the list as well, which makes it even more special that i was included because i know how many great subbie blogs there are out there, so thankssssssssss luna. Also i got to find out about a couple of blogs i didn't know about from that list so i'm going to go check them out and maybe add them to my blogroll.

Another busy week this week, but things are beginning to settle down into a new routine, so hopefully i should be posting here more regularly from now on, please stick with me :)

libby

xxxx

Changes and challenges

Firstly, thank you to Dinora for leaving me this question in a comment on my previous post: 'What in your lifestyle has changed now that you have Poppy?'. Which is a really interesting question and seeing as we've had nearly a year of adjusting to life with Poppy (though i can hardly believe it's been that long already, she is growing up soooooo fast!), now seems like a good time to blog about this topic, so here goes... When Poppy was first born there was a couple of months where really we were just getting used to having her in our lives and all our time and attention was spent on her. But Sir had anticipated that and had put my training and most of the rules on hold for then, so that i could concentrate on our new baby. That's not to say that we stopped being Master and slave - i didn't suddenly start demanding things and ordering Him around - but our BDSM roles were very much in the background as we got used to our new parenting roles. Luckily for me Poppy established a routine for herself pretty quickly which meant i was able to start picking up more and more of the rules and rituals fairly soon after that initial settling-in period, fitting them around when i knew Poppy would be awake/needing feeding/changing/bathing etc. And because Sir had done such a good job of adapting the rules to make them appropriate for a household with children, they worked well and i found that i was able to take on more and more of the rules every week until i was pretty much following them all. (You can see the old rules and the new rules here).

Lots of things had to change of course, and it took a while for me to adapt to them, but on the whole it went well. Some of the changes were to do with the many rituals Sir and i had together before Poppy was born, which now have to be much more subtle - it's hardly appropriate to walk round the house naked except for my collar and a basque, or to kneel next to Sir's chair at mealtimes until He tells me i can sit on my own chair, with Poppy in the house, so now we do adapted versions of those rituals. But because we still do them, because me and Sir know what they mean and i would still get into trouble if i forgot one or deliberately chose not to do it, then the control and dynamic is still there just like it was before. It doesn't matter that interactions between us are more subtle now, infact it makes it seem more intimate and special that way for some reason.

Another way our life has changed since having Poppy is that we both have to be more flexible and realise that there will be times when i can't do something i'm meant to because of her. For example, before i had Poppy i would always be waiting for Sir to get out of the shower and hand Him His towel, but now sometimes that doesn't happen because i am giving Poppy her breakfast or changing her or redressing her after she got something down her or playing with her or comforting her when she is crying or i am running way behind with getting myself ready because it's just one of those mornings. So although i try to hand Sir His towel on getting out of the shower whenever possible, if i'm not there Sir knows there is a good reason for it and doesn't punish me for it, infact He usually doesn't even mention it to me. Other things get in the way of other rules too, but so long as i am trying my best to keep the ones i can then Sir is fine with it, and also He lets me have a bad day now and then when virtually none of the rules are kept, because He is realistic and knows that life with a young baby can sometimes be like that.

The other major change to our lifestyle since having Poppy is that we don't have so much time to 'play' or for my training as we used to. But we make good use of the offers from my mum and sister to look after Poppy regularly, so that we have some time on Sunday mornings for training and we fit our 'playtime' in whenever she is being looked after elsewhere. Sir is pretty good at reading my body signals, and He knows when i *need* a good session and will try to make arrangements accordingly, but i find that as long as it doesn't go too long between play sessions i am pretty much OK. And the training is keeping me busy, and i have online tasks to do too which keep me occupied as well.

So on the whole i think our adapted lifestyle is working great, both me and Sir are still feeling happy and satisfied and we love each other just as much, if nor more, than before, and we also have the added gift of a beautiful baby daughter to make our lives even more fulfilled. Things are getting more challenging now that she is getting older and having less naps and taking in more of what goes on around her, but i am confident that under Sir's direction we can continue to adapt and change to fit our needs in with hers (and any future babies) without compromising on anyone's lifestyle.

Any other questions/comments? :)

Sexy Blogger award

Firstly sorry for the break in blog posts while i got readjusted to working part-time as well as being a mummy, and a slave with new training, and getting ready for our wedding and Poppy's first birthday, and dealing with the stress of getting her tested for allergies..... But anyway, i've got some stuff to post about this weekend, starting with another award for my blog given to me by the lovely lexa (thanks hon!).

It's a 'sexy blogger' award and the rules are: 'You are to list 5 sexy things about yourself and pass the award on to 4 other people'. Hmmm tricky cos i don't really think of myself as being sexy and i didn't expect to get given this award seeing as how i'm not allowed to post any pics at all of me on this site, but i'll give it a go....

1. my titties are quite sexy i think, especially now they have shrunk back down to almost their pre-pregnancy size (though prolly some other people would think they were sexy when swollen and leaking) - they are rounded and pert with big dark nipples.

2. my Master says i have a sexy bottom and He likes to watch it when i am wiggling happily cos it makes the asscheeks jiggle 'in just the right way' (also He likes my pucker - *blush*)

3. lots of people have told me that the combination of my long dark wavy hair and big sparkly blue eyes with dark eyelashes is sexy.

4. i think my shyness can be sexy, especially when it is combined with some of the slutty things my Master has me do.

5. i like my feet and toes and think they look sexy when i have painted my toenails all pretty and am wandering around the house with bare feet (like i am required to do when at home).

There! Oh, and the people i tag are:

1. taiah

2. trinity-pup

3. laurie

4. Emma

Really i could have tagged pretty much anyone in my blogroll cos they're all sexy and their posts make me wriggle, but some of them have been tagged already and i didn't feel right tagging a Dom/me, so i've chosen these people - i hope you take part!

libby

xxxx