a submissive's musings: September 2009

Honest blogger

i am a sick libby today, so sorry if this post is not as coherent as usual, but i wanted to write it before too much time passed. i got given an 'honest blogger' award by lexa, who is such a sweet girl and i always love reading her posts because she writes all her thoughts and experiences in a way which makes them seem very real and alive. Which is why i guess she got the award in the first place, to pass on.

The rules of the award are that i have to write 10 honest things about myself, and then pass the award on to 7 other bloggers who i think are very honest in their postings. So, here goes:
#1. i have days where i wish that i could stop being a slave for a while, and just make some of my own decisions for once (like deciding to eat some of the Ben & Jerry's i know is in the freezer, rather than waiting until Sir tells me i can), but usually those feelings are gone by the next morning and i am back to being contented with the lifestyle i chose.

#2. i can honestly say that i have never deliberately gone behind Sir's back in breaking any of my rules (i.e. by actually carrying out the icecream eating without permission), but the thought has entered my head a few times.

#3. as i get more experienced as a slave, i find myself becoming more judgemental and cynical of others who claim to be living the same lifestyle, though i try really hard not to fall into the 'my BDSM is the one true way' camp, sometimes i do slip into the 'there are many types of BDSM lifestyles, but i don't believe yours to be one of them' camp.

#4. i honestly believe that my life would be so much the poorer if it didn't have flame in it.

#5. not much makes me truly angry, except for blatant injustice and prejudice. Also if someone were to deliberately try to sabotague my relationships with Sir and flame, or hurt any of my family, then they'd better watch out, but i guess that's pretty much true for anyone.

#6. although i started out writing this blog as Sir's request and in the beginning it was mainly to make Him aware of my thoughts and feelings as a growing sub/slave, now it has evolved into something else - it's more for my benefit now and i can't help feeling a sense of pride when i see how many people have visited, or when i get a comment or email saying how good it is.

#7. the parts of my body i like the most are my eyes, hair, toes, and bottom, and the parts i like the least are my nose, arms, legs and sometimes my nipples.

#8. i still have the very first teddy given to me as a child (it is a bunny), and though i am not allowed it in the bed it lives in the drawer under the bed, and i get it out when i am feeling upset.

#9. if i could change one thing about me it would be to be less shy and to have more confidence in myself, though i am working on this gradually.

#10. if i could change one thing about my life it would be to have listened more to the little voice inside me, and less to what those around me were saying, but things have worked out well in the end.

Hmm looking back at that list, quite a few of them are negative honest things, but i guess that's ok. Now to try to nominate 7 other honest bloggers who haven't been given the award already.

Dennis Najee - who i think writes really honestly about what BDSM is actually like and cuts through many of the myths floating around online.

doubleknot - who is such a great writer, and manages to make you feel like you are actually there with her when she is describing an event in her life (and she writes about the mundane things as well as the glamorous, which i really like).

sara - who always answers questions about the DD lifestyle truthfully, and has helped me to understand it much better than i did before.

Gray Lily - who writes about the good times and bad times of being in a BDSM relationship, including when those relationships fall apart and you have to pick up the pieces and start again.

Emma - who writes openly and honestly about being in a Gor relationship, and how this can be applied to r/l - again she has helped me understand something which at first seemed very confusing to me.

.... ummm actually i'm only going to nominate those 5, because lots of the other blogs i read have already been nominated or i'm not sure they would appreciate a nomination. Hopefully these folks will write an 'honest blogger' post and we all get to nose and find out even more about them, soon!

libby

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Pure

So i followed a link on another blog and took one of those online 'purity tests' (sorry can't find the exact link now, but if you google it you get lots of results). Anyway, for ages i've been telling people in the online chatroom i visit how sweet and innocent and pure and angelic i am, even though i am an owned slave and get tied up and all that stuffs. It seems like the 2 can't go together, but i really think they can because in many ways i am naive and innocent and although i would do anything for my Master i really don't have a dirty mind, and the way i think about the world is in quite a pure way. Not sure i'm explaining this right, but i understand what i mean.

So i did the test and i came out 72% pure, which i think is pretty good considering all the many 'perverted' activities i have carried out at Sir's request. Some of that purity score comes from the fact that i rarely drink alcohol, never get drunk and have never smoked or taken any kind of drugs, some of it comes from the fact that i have never 'pulled' anyone in a bar, had a one-night stand, performed any kind of sexual activity in public, taken part in orgies, etc., and some of it comes from the fact that i have always been faithful to my partners, never fantasised about being with anyone else, never bought a porn mag or rented a porn film. So i'm quite proud of my purity rating, especially as it's slightly above average according to that site, and for an owned slave to get that high a score i think is pretty good going :)

Just call me 'angel' from now on ;)

subdrop

Not sure if i've posted about this before, and too tired now to trawl through the archives to find out, but recently a reader emailed me asking about this subject, so i thought it would be useful to discuss my experience of it, and get your thoughts on it too, cos i'm always interested to know how other subs experience things.

Some people are doubtful that subdrop really exists, and many claim not to have experienced it at all, and in the beginning i didn't experience it so i thought maybe i was one of the ones not to have it. But since then i definitely have experienced it to varying degrees after a 'play' session, so i know it's not just a myth. With me it usually happens straight after a scene/ play session - i get very floaty and quiet and feel very small and little and i want to curl up and snuggle and rest, all of which is fine but the problem is that unless i have a strong supportive Man there holding me and reassuring me that i did well and everything is fine i can suddenly crash down and get very sad and lonely and anxious and unsure about things and that is not a very nice feeling at all. Sometimes this feeling can wait for a few hours to happen, and occasionally remnants of it remain the next day, but normally for me it is immediate and lasts about an hour or so and then it goes away.

i can't really pinpoint what exactly causes subdrop in me, but it does tend to be the more intense scenes, and i have also noticed that it has happened after every single humiliation session in my training with Ma'am so far (including this morning). So i think it's something to do with how i feel during a scene, where my headspace is, that decides whether or not i will 'drop' afterwards. Nothing really dangerous about my form of subdrop, but it certainly does help to have someone there to coax me through it. But i have heard of more extreme forms, where the sub requires a lot of aftercare..... anyone out there like to chip in?

new gadget

Just to let everyone know i have added a new gadget to my sidebar - it is a 'questions and answers' box and the idea is for people to post questions they have about BDSM or M/s and D/s lifestyles, and for other visitors to the site to post their opinions and answers, kind of like a little discussion forum.

Pleeeeease participate :)

libby

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another year in slavery

September 2nd was our official collaring anniversary but we decided to save the celebration for the weekend when we have more time together, so we celebrated it yesterday. Sir has forbidden me to write certain details on here, but suffice it to say we had a lovely day, exchanged gifts, spent time enjoying each other and went out to the barn in the afternoon (when Poppy was safely at my sister's house), where my bottom and titties got a thorough flogging which i can still feel today! Sooooo a happy libby and Sir :)

i just wanted to reflect here on the 3 years i have been collared by Sir, because when i look back at how i was then and how i am now there are some big changes. One of the biggest changes is to do with my attitude, both in how i think about myself and how i think about my slavery. Back at the beginning i was in denial of even being a slave, adamently telling everyone that i was 'only' a sub. i was scared of slavery and everything it entailed, frightened of the extremity and finality of it, but fascinated and compelled by it at the same time. i thought it would strip away who i am to become a slave, that i would no longer be me, that i would lose something vitally important and never be the same person again...... all of which turned out to be true in a way when i did finally admit to who and what i was, but not in the negative way i feared but a very positive way instead. i found it to be very liberating to admit to what i was, to give in to it and accept it. It's made things so much simpler for me and i feel that i have grown as a person as well as a slave because of it. And everyone who knows me remarks on how content and satisifed and happy i have been since 'moving in with' Sir (i.e. since being collared by Him).

The other part of my attitude to change has been that i no longer have to consciously remind myself that i am Sir's sub/slave, think about what my rules are, question whether i should do something or not, make a deliberate effort to work on my training or to follow Sir's wishes. Instead it is now something that i do naturally, all the rules and routines have become part of what i automatically do, without having to think about it, which is shown by the fact that i have not needed to be punished for anything since i was pregnant, which is a long time now :) Sir said to me the other day that He could take away all the rules and replace them with just one: 'To follow my Master's wishes and requirements in everything i do', and i would be able to do that now because i know precisely what is expected of me. And i didn't get all panicky like i once would have done when Sir mentioned taking the list of rules away, because i know that i would cope just as well as i am at the moment. That's a big step for me because it shows i am becoming less reliant on outside factors in my slavery and much more able to maintain a good level of service by myself, so i'm proud of me for this!

The other major change from when we first started is Poppy. Now we both have someone else to consider in all our decisions, besides our M/s dynamic, and obviously it affects everything we do. But i think we have been able to adapt well and incorporate both elements of our life together, without compromising on either side too much. So i have still have rules and rituals and routines and training and play and contact with others in the lifestyle, and i still wear my collar and charm bracelet, etc. It's just that the rituals have had to become more subtle, and more flexible, and the play and training have had to be carefully scheduled and timed and managed around when Poppy is out of the house, and we both have to be ready for her return. And i have to plan time for reading and research and blogging more carefully than i used to, otherwise it would be easy for them to fall by the wayside. But overall i think we have created a healthy balance, and i feel that all my needs are being met very well and i feel content and satisified with what is given to me.

So happy anniversary Sir, and here's looking forward to another fantastic year together. i love You :)

libby

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