a submissive's musings: October 2009

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween everyone! i'm writing this in halloween colours, so hope nobody complains that they can't read it very well! So far, our halloween season has been great this year, for some reason it's even better when you have kiddies to enjoy it with - though i've always had the children at work to make hats and masks and cards with, and decorate the room with, and play halloween party games, it's different now that Poppy can properly enjoy it even though she still doesn't really understand what it's all about. And i'm sooooo looking forward to Christmas this year now that i've seen how much enjoyment she gets out of all the special celebrations and decorations and stuff :)

Anyway, back to Halloween - on Thursday we had a party at our house, to which we invited loads of people, mainly other babies and toddler friends of Poppy's and their families who we have gotten to know through the different clubs we go to or from nursery, but also some of the neighbours who live in our village, and everyone had to come wearing black. We decorated the house really good, but kept it quite simple too with hanging bats and coloured streamers, spider webs everywhere, window stickers and lots of carved pumpkins, and we lit lanterns all the way along the driveway and hung these special balloons i found with lights inside them in the garden, which looked absolutely wicked in the dark. We had lots of fun and games for all the kiddies to join in with, including apple bobbing, a pumpkin pinata, a spooky pass the parcel, feely trays full of goopy slimy things, a spooky story ('room on the broom' which Poppy absolutely loves), and a treasure hunt with torches in the back garden looking for special halloween chocolate coins! Then we had food and drink, which Poppy had 'helped' me prepare - spooky shaped sandwiches and biscuits, spider web cakes, jelly with sweetie worms in, monster feet crisps, and a special green punch drink with plastic spiders floating in it! Everyone had a great time, and all the kiddies got to take a balloon and a party bag home. Poppy had such fun, and she was so well behaved all evening. Oh, and her eating fussiness is now over because she scoffed herself at the party and has been eating well ever since (even vegetables which she seemed to totally go off for a while) - so maybe that's the answer next time she stops eating!

We've already had quite a few trick-or-treaters round the past few nights, and we're expecting more tonight. Poppy helps to answer the door if she is still up and she loves giving out the sweeties into their bowls and buckets, and occasionally sneaking one for herself. Later today we're going to another halloween party held at Victoria and Ella's house (which Poppy is going to dressed in the most adorable halloween fairy outfit - with an orange pumpkin dress, wings and a wand). And the halloween will be over for another year, but soon it will be bonfire night, and then getting ready for Christmas! Wow i'm so excited, i'm like a little kid all over again :) Oh, and also i get to cross #83 off my 101 list - yayyyy!

More thoughts on pissiness

i realised when i read the last post back that it might seem a bit weird that i was pissy all day yesterday, and yet it was only when i went into the bondage chatroom and spent time with someone who i don't really know that well, that i managed to finally chill out. Some people might be wondering why i wasn't able to chill out with Sir's help earlier in the day, and i wanted to make sure that people know it's nothing to do with Sir, it isn't that He doesn't care or doesn't try to help me when i am feeling pissy, but we have both learnt from experience that if anything it only makes it worse because then i get to feeling that i have failed as His slave, that He shouldn't be spending His time trying to cheer me up, that i should be trying to make Him happy not the other way round, and then my mood normally gets even worse.

Sir has explained to me lots of times that He wants to try to cheer me up, that it's His choice to do so and part of His responsibility to me as my Master, but for some reason my mind just can't accept this, so we've both come to realise that it's better for both of us if Sir can leave me alone as much as possible when i get into these moods, and let me serve Him as much as i can so that i feel like i am still 'doing what i should' as His slave. i'm just a bit weird like that i guess.

Something i've discovered...

... i can't submit properly to a Domme when i'm feeling even a little bit pissy. Yesterday i was feeling pissy on and off throughout the day, and even though Sir kept asking me i had no reason why and couldn't figure out what was making me feel that way. By the end of the evening i was feeling much more relaxed, mainly due to the attentions of a nice Dom in channel who snuggled with me and made me feel better. But when i woke up this morning the pissiness came gradually creeping back in, so i asked Sir if maybe we could cancel the session with Ma'am today. However Sir refused to cancel it for that reason, so i had to go ahead with it.

i'd managed to calm myself down somewhat by the time She arrived, but as soon as She started telling me what to do i found the pissiness coming back and although i complied with everything She asked of me (though i did think of not doing some of the things She wanted), in my mind i was arguing against everything She said and being very grumpy. And of course that showed on my face, and She told me several times to 'lose the attitude', which just made it worse. So i didn't do very well with the things we have been working on for weeks now, and there was no progress made today, but at least i managed to get through it without being rude to Her, and hopefully next week i will feel more submissive and ready to comply demurely and obediently.

Sometimes of course i feel pissy when Sir scenes with me or asks me to do something, but i find it much easier to push my feelings aside and concentrate on serving Him in the manner i should do. i think it's because i am more naturally submissive towards Men and have such a strong relationship with Sir, whereas i feel myself having to push for and find my submission with Women and i don't have a very strong relationship with Ma'am yet - this is just something i am doing as part of my training because Sir wants me to.

So i think i did well to get through it, and actually now i feel more like my usual self again, so hopefully the pissy phase has gone.

I like this poem

i came across this poem on another blog, and wanted to post it here because certain parts of it really ring true for me. Other parts don't so much, but i think that's more down to personal interpretations of 'slavery' than anything else. Have a read and see what you think....

slavery is not about suffering... slavery is about service.
slavery is not about humiliation... slavery is about humility.
slavery is not about pain... slavery is about being present.
slavery is not about being used... slavery is about being of use.
slavery is not about control... slavery is about letting go.
slavery is not about your desires... slavery is about giving to others.
slavery is not about abuse... slavery is about acceptance.
slavery is not about proving anything... slavery is about being real.
slavery is not about contempt... slavery is about respect.
slavery is not about how you look... slavery is about the size of your heart.
slavery is not about denying yourself... slavery is about being open.
slavery is not about bondage... slavery is about freeing your spirit.
slavery is not about punishment... slavery is about discipline.
slavery is not about being unable to escape... slavery is about being committed.
slavery is not about submission... slavery is about obedience.
slavery is not about fear... slavery is about trust.
slavery is not about sex... slavery is about love.
slavery is not about pleasure... slavery is about happiness.
~ David Stein ~

The parts i really like are the first 3 pairs of lines, because all too often people get the idea that being a slave is all about suffering, humiliation and pain (oh, and sex and bondage which are mentioned elsewhere in the poem) when really it's more about service, humility and being present (not sure i agree that it's always about love, but i definitely agree with the freeing your spirit line). But i'm not sure i agree that slavery is not about submission, because to me the two go hand in hand, i submit to Sir and i am His slave. i could submit to Him without being His slave but i don't see how i could be His slave and not submit to Him. Unless i'm reading this wrong? But on the whole i really like this poem and i hope others like it too (And if you want to read a great series of blogposts based on the ideas in this poem, go here).

mentoring

i wrote a bit about this before, when Sir was being a Mentor to flame, and i guess that's the usual way of how it's done in BDSM - that a more experienced Dom mentors a new/vulnerable sub to help them gain experience and knowledge and understanding whilst guiding and protecting them from some of the many pitfalls along the way. In Sir and flame's case the Mentoring gradually tailed off as Poppy and work (and me as a slave, but Sir says He doesn't mind any of them, especially me) became more demanding on His time, and flame got collared by an online Master and so didn't need Sir in the way she once did. Anyway, what i wanted to write this post about today is a slightly different aspect of mentoring which has cropped up in my life recently, which is when one sub mentors another. And the reason i am mentioning it is because i have been contacted by a reader of this blog to ask if i will consider being her mentor! At first i was like 'me?' because i can still have a tendency at times to think of myself as new and inexperienced, but when i looked back at this blog and how far i have come and all the experiences i have had and things i have learnt, i realised that i am neither new nor inexperienced, so i had a chat with Sir about it and He pointed out to me all my qualities which make me suitable to be a mentor and all the knowledge and advice i have to pass on. So i have decided to give this mentoring thing a try, through emails at first to see how that goes. The sub i will be mentoring seems absolutely lovely, and so keen and enthusiastic and sweet and friendly, and she has lots of similarities to me so that helps. i won't publically name her here unless she gives me permission or chooses to identify herself, but i hope to be able to write a few more posts about how it's going from my point of view and maybe even be able to give advice to others on the best way to be a sub mentor, while i learn as i go along. Oh, and if i'm successful in this venture i get to cross #40 and #68 off my '101 list' which is always a good thing! Wish me luck :)

another award!

Thisgirl kindly nominated me for a 'great reads' award, which means that i am on her list of top blogs to read :) i feel so flattered and honoured to be given this award, because it really does mean a lot to me that other people enjoy reading what i write here, even when it's boring or depressing or rambling or sporadic! So thank you for my award :)

And now to nominate other bloggers who i consider a 'great read' (because there's so many people in my feed list, i decided to name the top blogs who i would be very very sad if they stopped blogging):

luna

Have fun visiting these blogs if you haven't already, and please feel free to leave me a comment with some of your favourite blogs that aren't in my blogroll list on the sidebar - i'm always looking out for new D/s blogs to read :)

libby

xxxx

Recent achievements

Some of my recent achievements i wanted to mention here:

~ Sir says i have now completed the online phase of my 'extending play with other subs' training, as i have been flirting, playing and scening with a wider range of girlies in the P&H chatroom recently. Now i just have to work on this in r/l too, once Sir identifies a suitable girlie for me to get to know better in this way.

~ i have been able to cross off 3 more items on the 1o1 list, namely:

#3. make homemade bread - i did this last week using the breadmaker that i got given as a present quite a while ago but have never used yet, and for a first try it came out pretty good, and what a lovely smell!

#5. try canning/jam-making - i did this last weekend, using the fruits left over from what we picked in the garden and haven't been able to eat yet, not sure how it's going to turn out yet, but as it only says 'try' i can sign this one off!

#28. get some coffee table books and read them cover to cover - i bought a Ray Mears one (he visits little tribes throughout the world as well as indigenous people like Aborigines), one by Bear Grylls (he is a survival expert), a BBC 'Oceans' photography book all about the different creatures which live in the sea, and the Wildlife photographer of the year book, and i finished reading them today - they are great :)