a submissive's musings: December 2009

review of the year 2009

As is now traditional, i'm using the last day of the year to look back at the events of the last 12 months, and sum up each month in a few sentences or so. i've decided to pick out a few key sentences from blog posts for each month, then write about what happened to me during that month and how i was feeling. And i'll put a slideshow at the end :)

~ January~
"In the last week or two it feels like i've really turned a corner with this whole pnd thing, and how instead of battling through it like i was i feel like i've fought through the main part and am now slowly and carefully picking my way past the remaining potholes to the smooth ground up ahead."
"You know what? i think i may have finally cracked the 'guilt' thing. It's taken a while, but i've finally realised that i'm allowed to be human, even though i'm a mummy and a slave and wanting to be the best of both that i can."
In January i was still fighting with the pnd, still having bad days and needing therapy, but there was a light at the end of the tunnel and i think the above quotes show how my thinking was changing and i was able to come to a more realistic assessment of my situation. In other good news i received several emails that month requesting online friendships from subs who were readers of my blog, and i am still in contact with a couple of them. But in less great news, Sir, Poppy and i were involved in a car crash - luckily none of us were hurt but it did cause me to take stock of my life and i think this was probably the deciding factor in helping me to break free from the last remaining vestiges of the post-natal depression.

~ February ~
" It feels like i'm at one of those points in your life where everything starts anew."
"Sooooo today i am feeling happy, relieved, and proud of myself for what i've achieved. And just spending time appreciating the wonder that is my beautiful baby girl."

i remember February as being a very positive month - the pnd was officially gone and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me. For the first time in ages i was able to simply enjoy being with my family and i was looking forward to what the rest of the year would bring. To commemorate my new-found appreciation of Poppy, we had a family photo session done and the gorgeous results are hanging in our lounge :) This month we also had lovely celebrations for Valentine's Day and Sir's birthday, and it suddenly snowed heavily which gave Poppy her first real chance to help make a snowman!

~ March ~
"It seems to have come round quickly, but today was my first mother's day as a mummy and i really enjoyed it."
"With all of the preparations for our wedding we have been making recently, becoming Sir's wife has been on my mind a lot."

When i look back on March, it seems to have been a quiet reflective month where i did a lot of thinking and re-evaluating. But at the same time i was really busy getting things ready for the wedding so i suppose there wasn't much time for anything else! i do remember appreciating Spring a lot more than normal though, probably because it reflected my own emergence from a period of gloom and darkness. And i think Poppy started getting properly interested in animals round about then, which lead to some nice trips out to farms with her.

~ April ~
"i think Easter might just be my favourite celebration of the whole year because it's so pretty and you get lots of chocolate and there's pictures of sweet baby animals everywhere."
"my New Year's resolution about posting at least 25 posts per month on this blog has been scrapped."

On the whole, April was a good month and i particularly enjoyed Easter (though i think i may have been exaggerating to call it my favourite celebration all year!). But things started getting really stressful this month too when i went back to work part-time, and for much of the month i felt like there simply weren't enough hours in the day for me to get everything done. The upcoming wedding was making me feel tense and nervous that things wouldn't be ready in time, and i was trying to adjust to going back to work as well as keeping up my commitments to Poppy and flame and Sir and the new training with Ma'am and the blog, so something had to give. In the end it was my resolution to post at least 25 times that gave, and looking back i think it was a good decision, though i did have to be coached through it by Sir because i was feeling that i'd failed and let everyone down.

~ May ~
"This year everything is different. Yes, i still feel sad when i think of Joshua, but it's more of a distant sadness now, and i know that he's in a good place and he's fine where he is."
"It is getting easier to fulfill Ma'am's wishes now, which i am soooo relieved about because there was a point when i thought i would never get it."

After the struggles of April, May was a much easier month, even though it was Joshua's anniversary. It really hit home to me just how far i had come with the pnd and everything when i was able to get through the anniversary of us losing him without any problem at all. There was also Poppy's first birthday to celebrate, which was a truly lovely day with a big party in the garden for all her friends and family. And we were able to start doing more things with her, like going to the seaside, which was great :)

~ June ~ "i think this sums up the reality of slavehood better than i ever could - it takes some time to get there, it's something which evolves and happens to you rather than an overnight change, it involves some pain and wearing away of the old you, and it only happens to certain kinds of people who can endure the process, but it makes you beautiful to those who appreciate this kind of thing."

That sentence was based on a quotation from 'The Velveteen rabbit', and it's still one of my favourite quotes ever, so much so that we had it read out at our wedding. i think June was another reflective month - looking back on my personal progress as a slave and looking forward to the changes to come once i became Sir's wife. Other than that i was busy with the last few bits of wedding preparations and looking after Poppy was was very mobile and very chatty by then!

~ July ~
"Well we finally got married after all that waiting and dreaming and preparing, and it was a truly wonderful day, even better than i dared hope it would be."

That's the only thing that i remember about the month of July - our wedding day. It's like nothing else happened at all that month, but i can remember every single detail of that one day as if it was yesterday. i hope i can always remember those details because it really was a fantastic day, and i enjoyed myself so much and felt so proud to be becoming Sir's wife. And we were able to incorporate all the subtle little BDSM associations to make it even more meaningful for me and Sir and our D/s friends. ~ August ~
"As i stand here before you, i offer all of me, body, mind and soul. i give you all that i have - myself, my love and my total commitment. Just as i have given you my hand to hold, so i give you my life to keep. With deepest joy i come into my new life with you."
"i had my 30th birthday while we were away on honeymoon, and it makes me feel really old to have turned 30. i know loads of people are going to tell me that 30 isn't old at all, but for some reason it seems like i can't possibly be 30 - that's an age that other people reach but not me, and i should stay in my 20's forever."

The first quote is from my wedding vows which i wrote myself with some help from the internet, and during the month of August i was coming to realise exactly what those vows meant as i settled into my new role as 'wife' as well as 'slave' and 'mummy'. We were away for most of the month on honeymoon, which was the best holiday experience of my life, with so many highlights and special moments. But the most fantastic day of all was my birthday because Sir really spoiled me with a spa treatment, posh meal and a casino evening! It's funny reading that second quote now though, because 30 no longer seems all that old - perhaps i've grown into it in the last few months?

~ September ~
"As i get more experienced as a slave, i find myself becoming more judgemental and cynical of others who claim to be living the same lifestyle, though i try really hard not to fall into the 'my BDSM is the one true way' camp, sometimes i do slip into the 'there are many types of BDSM lifestyles, but i don't believe yours to be one of them' camp."
"i just wanted to reflect here on the 3 years i have been collared by Sir, because when i look back at how i was then and how i am now there are some big changes. One of the biggest changes is to do with attitude, both in how i think about myself and how i think about my slavery."

Yeah, September was another thinking month, where i reflected a lot on how much i have changed since first getting to know Sir. And we also celebrated our 3 year collaring anniversary, which brought home to me once again just how lucky i am to be Owned by such a wonderful Master. ~ October~
"Something i've discovered... i can't submit properly to a Domme when i'm feeling even a little bit pissy."
"i have been contacted by a reader of this blog to ask if i will consider being her mentor! At first i was like 'me?' because i can still have a tendency at times to think of myself as new and inexperienced, but when i look back at this blog and how far i have come and all the experiences i have had and things i have learnt, i realised that i am neither new nor inexperienced."

i think the realities of adjusting to life as an owned slave-wife-mummy were getting to me a bit this month because i remember feeling quite emotional and tense at times. But there were good moments too, such as the request to be a mentor, and the first ever Halloween party i have organised and hosted, which was a great success!

~ November ~
"i am libby, 30 years old, and i identify as a mother and a slave - both real-life, live-in, full-time."
"Being ill with the swine full this week has really brought home to me what is important in my life - Sir and flame, but most of all Poppy."

i got sick with the swine flu in November, and was forced to stay in bed for a week, feeling pretty rough and being kept apart from Poppy so she didn't catch it too. But i recovered fine, and it gave me a chance to reflect and reassess my priorities in life, as can be seen from the quotes above. And it made me realise that i'd like another baby, so i discussed it with Sir and we made some baby plans :) ~ December ~
"i just wanted to say that this had been a truly great Christmas and i feel so blessed to have such a special little family."
"So i went to the doctor this morning, and he confirmed that i am pregnant."

December was a really great month and a lovely end to the year, despite the fact that my emotions were rather up and down - it turns out that there was a good reason for that, i fell pregnant straight away after stopping my contraceptive injections, and we are now eagerly looking forward to our new addition. And we had a really lovely family Christmas with Poppy and got to see the rest of our families during the holiday week too, so a lovely end to an on-the-whole good year! Here's hoping 2010 is even better :)

survey of the year - 2009

Answering the usual questions about this year, like i did for 2008, 2007 and 2006.

1. What did you do this year that you've never done before?

Got married! Also started pilates classes and training with a Domme in real-life. Oh, and i cooked Christmas dinner by myself too, which i'm really proud of.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

i'm going to write a more in-depth post on this soon, but with the amended resolutions (i had to change one of them halfway through the year because trying to achieve it was stressing me out too much) i feel that i kept 2 out of the 3 of them really well. The one i didn't do so well in i'm going to set as a priority for next year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth this year?

No, not that i can think of.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

One of the children in my room at nursery died which was very upsetting.

5. What countries did you visit this year?

Spain, Croatia, Italy, Greece and Gibraltar! On our honeymoon cruise, which was great fun.

6. What would you like to have in the next year that you lacked this year?

Another baby :) And also more time to spend with flame - that's going to be one of my top priorities for this next year, getting my relationship with flame back on track.

7. What date from this year will remain etched upon your memory and why?

4th August because i turned 30, which seems really old to me!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Successfully beating my post-natal depression, because with that gone i have been able to truly enjoy Poppy.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury? i had swine flu for a week, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been and i recovered really well with treatment.

10. What did you get really, really, really excited about this year?

Christmas, because Poppy was able to appreciate it a lot more this year and i was free from the post-natal depression which was weighing on my last Christmas.

11. What song will always remind you of this year?

'Twinkle twinkle little star' - Poppy's favourite song and the first one she learnt to sign and to sing. Whenever i hear it it will always remind me of her growing up into a toddler.

12. Compared to this time last year are you:- happier or sadder? :- richer or poorer? :- thinner or fatter?

Definitely happier because the pnd is gone and i am looking forward to the birth of my next baby. Probably about the same financially, and probably about the same weight though that will change soon!

13. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Spent quality time with flame, and i seem to remember saying that last year as well which is another reason it has to be a priority for me next year. i can't afford to lose her, she's too important to me.

14. What do you wish you'd done less of?

This is a tricky one. Been bratty and cheeky in the chatrooms i guess because that's got me in trouble a few times this year, though i was only ever meaning to be playful.

15. Did you fall in love this year?

No, but i remained in love with Sir and flame.

16. What was your favourite TV program for the year?

i enjoyed 'Strictly come dancing' and 'the X Factor'. Big Brother was ok but not as great as it has been in the past. And i caught up on Lost on DVD boxsets too - still fantastic!

17. What was the best book you read this year?

Didn't have much time for reading, but i have started to re-read the Wheel of Time series, and those books are great.

18. What was your favourite film of the year?

i enjoyed the latest Harry Potter, and also a couple of 3D films - Up and a Christmas Carol. Can't remember seeing any others.

19. Who was the best new person you met this year?

i have made quite a few new email friends through my blog, so i would have to say them.

20. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned for this year.

There is no such thing as a perfect mother, but i can be and am a good one :)

Coming soon: my review of the year (month by month complete with a slideshow at the end), plus a post on how well i kept this year's resolutions and setting new ones for next year.

another 20 questions

subtletimes recently posted 20 BDSM questions on her blog, so i thought i'd play along and answer them:

1.Your role?

i am a real-life slave.

2. Current relationship?

Owned by my first ever Master, who is also my husband and father to my children (one yet unborn).

3. Your favourite type of play?

Changes all the time, depending on my mood. But i most love bondage, hogties, being taken from behind, anal use, clamps and clips, nipple torture, pain play and floggings.

4. Your most hated type of play?

i hate the wooden pony much more than i thought i would, and i often hate humiliation play when it's occuring though i like it after.

5. The most annoying habit of your Owner?

Sir doesn't have many annoying habits, which is good. But He does sometimes get peckish and devour half the fridge, including ingredients for meals i've planned for later in the week, and then doesn't tell me. Which is really annoying when i come to prepare those meals and suddenly find out i'm missing half the ingredients. He does do other things as well which i guess people in vanilla relationships would find annoying, like leaving his dirty clothes and wet towels strewn all over the place, but because i'm His slave i just see it as my job to pick them up and launder them.

6. Your deepest fear?

That something will happen to Sir, that we will be parted somehow. Otherwise i'm most afraid of dogs.

7. Your most memorable public experience?

When Sir took me to a play party for the first time, and i had to walk round in a rather revealing outfit, and He even got my titties out at one point to show someone. Otherwise i haven't had many public experiences yet, it's something Sir plans to work on in future.

8. What gets you in the mood?

Many things - it can be a certain look or tone of voice from Sir, something He says or hints at. And i'm pretty visual, so seeing erotic pictures or videos or perving at Sir will do it everytime!

9. Favourite method of masturbation?

Not allowed to masturbate without permission, and not allowed to choose the method when i do. But i do like my Lelo Lily vibrator.

10. Scariest thing you've seen or heard of in BDSM land?

Not going to name any names, but some of the things i read about on other people's blogs scare me sometimes. And anything to do with cutting or breath play scares me a lot.

11. Number of hours you spend on iFet when you should be doing other things?

Don't know what that is, but if it's related to Fetlife i'm not allowed on there. i am lucky with my internet privileges but i have to be careful to only come on here when i am allowed to, and never let it interfere with other things, otherwise Sir will start taking those privileges away.

12. Thing that was hotter in fantasy than it was in reality?

i used to love watching all the clips from WaterBondage.com, but when Sir did some water torture/play on me it was too cold and too intense for me.

13. Most longed-for experience?

i really want to try fisting, but we'll have to put that on hold until after i've had this next baby and properly healed. It looks hot though.

14. Ouchiest toy?

the tower of pain, or the wooden pony or this nasty flogger Sir has that really feels like it's cutting.

15. Book or movie that every newbie has to read/see?

Prolly 'Screw the roses, send me the thorns' to read, not sure about seeing maybe 'The Secretary' though i haven't seen that myself yet.

16. Thing you'd most like to change about yourself?

i would like to have more self-confidence, though i have got much better with that since knowing Sir.

17. Thing you're most proud of?

The way i have been able to balance my mummy and slave roles so well. There have been a few hiccups, but mainly i think i have achieved a good balance :)

18. Funniest Dom name you've ever heard?

Lots of the Dom names online make me giggle, but i'd better not post them here incase they read this. Things like 'LordMasterDomoftheWorld' though.

19. Do your friends and family know?

Only my sister does, and she approached me to ask about it. None of my other family or vanilla friends know, though i do have a BDSM 'family' and friends, and they all know of course.

20. Is 20 questions too many?

i thought it might be, but it's been quite quick to answer them, so no maybe not.

If anyone else would like to play along, please leave your answers in a comment or post a link to where you answer them on your blog :)

Also...

i keep writing a post and then thinking of more things to add - it seems the pregnancy hormones are fuzzling my brain already! Over the Christmas holidays i have been able to cross off some more items on my 101 list:#6. i planned, prepared, cooked and served the whole Christmas dinner myself this year! Although i have been involved in cooking Christmas dinner before i've always had someone else to help me but this time i was determined to do it all myself, and it went really really well. The turkey was lovely, cooked just right, and all the vegetables were done how Sir likes them (though i did nuke some in the microwave for Poppy who prefers hers soft and mushy). We had lovely gravy and stuffing, though i did cheat and get packet mixes of both, but i did make my own pigs in blankets. And i did 3 kinds of potatoes and they were all nice except the roast could have done with crispier skins. Oh and for starters i did prawn cocktails, and for pudding we had Christmas pudding, trifle, mini yule logs and mince pies! And cheese and biscuits and coffee after! We were stuffed, but i'm so proud of myself for achieving this one.
#27. over the holidays we had a lazy day where we just sat and watched DVDs all day while Poppy played with her new toys - so we managed to watch the Lord of the Rings films from beginning to end again, like we've done before, snuggled on the sofa together, and it was great :)
#79. and #7. one of my Christmas presents was a big book called 'The encyclopedia of the earth' with loads of photos and information about the world. Already i have browsed through most of it, and learnt loads and loads of interesting stuff, so i have definitely improved my geographical knowledge! Another present i got was a slow cooker, and i have had a couple of tries at using it so far, which have worked out really well. i want to get a cookbook to find out how to use it properly, but i think i can safely sign this one off now.

baby stuff

So i went to the doctor this morning, and he confirmed that i am pregnant. From my dates, he reckons i will be due about 8th September but that could be amended once i start being scanned and stuff (like it did last time). i told him that the line on the pregnancy test was a lot stronger than last time with Poppy even though i did the test at the same point in my cycle, and he said that shows this baby is eager to come because it prolly means that i ovulated earlier in my cycle and the baby settled into the womb earlier too :)

He took some blood and some urine for tests, and i have an appointment to go back and see him in 2 weeks' time. Everything else looked fine today - my blood pressure and all the other checks that he did were 'good' apparently. He is going to be keeping a close eye on my thyroxine and iron levels because both of them got low last time, but now we know to watch for them he says we should be able to catch it earlier this time. He has started me on a prenatal vitamin to be taken everyday like last time, and given me some sheets on dietary needs, but to be honest Sir was so good at working out meal plans for me last time that i think i'll just go with His advice again.

So far i'm feeling really good. Sir has already started rubbing bio-oil into my bewbies, though they're not really growing yet just getting sensitive and achy. And He has plenty to rub into my belly bump once that starts expanding! i'm really looking forward to this pregnancy, but a little bit apprehensive too about how Poppy will react, and whether i'll be able to manage her and the new baby. But we'll deal with that when we come to it. Sir and i need to discuss arrangements for when Poppy goes full-time at nursery, when and how we tell her about her new brother/sister, when we move her into the other bedroom, etc. But for now we are just enjoying the news and letting it sink in. We have told our families though, and will be letting our friends and work colleagues know the good news when we see them after the Christmas holidays.

Oh, and we've got a shortlist of 3 names for each sex: Alfie, Finn or William for a boy, and Annie, Kaitlyn or Jasmine for a girl. And i've decided not to keep a separate baby blog like i did last time, all baby news will be put onto this blog so sorry if you're not interested in that stuff. i just figured that like the pictures at the top show, this blog is about all aspects of my life so i should be able to write about whatever i like here - family stuff, D/s stuff, baby stuff, health stuff, work stuff, everything :) Oh, and it's not too late to leave me a voice message using the gadget in my sidebar - i'd love to hear from you!

Our Christmas

Somehow Christmas seems to have snuck up on me this year, because all of a sudden it was here, and now just as suddenly it's all over and done with. But i wanted to take the time to write about our family Christmas because we really did have a lovely one this year.

Part of that was to do with Poppy, now that she is 19 months old she can enjoy Christmas a lot more, and even though she didn't fully understand it, she did appreciate all the decorations and songs and was looking forward to 'Ho ho' bringing her lots of toys. And she did get LOTS of presents this year - infact there were so many that we actually stopped giving them to her halfway through on Christmas morning and saved the rest till Boxing Day as all the excitement of opening them (and trying each one out) was getting too much. A special thanks to one reader who sent her a Hamleys voucher again, she absolutely loved the toys we got her with that! :)

i'm not going to write about the presents that Sir and i received. We got some lovely things, and i was totally spoiled again and very very lucky, but this year even more than ever i feel that Christmas wasn't about the presents, so listing everything we got here seems a bit pointless. Instead i'm going to write about one of my favourite moments over the holidays. It came on Christmas day, when we were watching Poppy open some of her presents. Of course to her the wrapping and the boxes are almost as exciting as the gifts themselves, but this year she was much more appreciative of the actual presents themselves. It was so lovely to hear her exclaiming in surprise and delight "book!" or "paint!" or "bus!" as she unwrapped each item (and of course demanded for it to be taken out of the packaging and batteries fitted so she could explore it). Then in the middle of all this she suddenly toddled over to me and snuggled herself into my lap. i was surprised, but she seemed happy enough so i asked if she was done with opening presents for now, and she signed "finished" and said "lubs you mama" then curled herself in for a hug. i guess at that moment a mummy cuddle was more important to her than any of the exciting new toys she got, and i love her so much for that.

i could go on and on telling you about those moments this Christmas that i will remember always, such as when Sir and i (and Poppy) laughed and laughed when He was changing her nappy and a surprise poop oozed out all over Him and her and the table (the result of too many brussel sprouts i think). Or the absolutely magical moment when i put Poppy on the lap of my 99 year old grandma and they sang songs together, even though my nan can hardly hear or see anymore. Or how it made me cry when i came back into the lounge to find Sir and Poppy curled up under the Christmas tree together, looking up through the branches and whispering to each other about 'Ho ho' and 'nays' (reindeer) and snow and stockings. But i know that those moments mean so much to me because of how much Sir and Poppy mean to me, and i don't want to bore everyone :) i just wanted to say that this has been a truly great Christmas and i feel so blessed to have such a special little family. And in other exciting news, Sir and i found out today that we are expecting another addition to our family - i am pregnant just like i suspected (according to one of those home pregnancy tests, but i'll get it confirmed with the doctor in the week). So 2010 is already looking like a very exciting year!

i hope everyone had a great Christmas and got to spend time with the ones you love, and i wish you all a fantastic new year, full of everything you wish for :)

libby

xxxx

wishing for different wiring?

Recently someone on another blog (can't remember who and can't find it now, which is really annoying) wrote about how sometimes they wished they were 'wired' differently, i.e. they wished they could be non-kinky and not feel compelled to act in certain ways. i think that was the gist of it anyway, because i've spent a long time thinking about this since so it might be a bit muddled by my own thoughts. But basically my question was/is 'would it be better to be wired differently, to be vanilla?'

Normally i would say 'no' because i don't think vanilla is better than kinky or the other way round. But something happened the other day which made me rethink that a little. Sir had just finished using me (too shy to write the details here), and on His way out to the bathroom to clean up He glance over at me, chuckled and said "what a dirty little slut". As soon as He went out of the room i burst into tears and couldn't stop because at that moment i felt so disgusted and ashamed of myself. i hated the fact that i perform all kinds of 'dirty' and 'perverted' things for Sir, hated the fact that they turned me on and i got pleasure out of them, hated the fact that i had to keep this side of myself secret from everyone around me including Poppy, hated the fact that i couldn't just be 'normal' and chat to my friends about vanilla sex. i couldn't even explain those thoughts for quite some time to Sir when He came back and asked me what was wrong. i just felt so confused because on the one hand i was so disgusted with myself and wishing i could be different, yet on the other hand i was feeling so happy and content with my life with Sir and wishing it would never change.

Gradually the disgusted feeling went away and i slipped back into my usual headspace of contented slave again. But the little lingering doubts remain - not whether i want to be a slave or not, because i know i do, i know it's what fulfills me the most, what i was meant to be. But whether it would be 'better' if i hadn't been born with this need to be a slave, if i could have been 'normal' instead and attracted to vanilla men and enjoyed a vanilla lifestyle and marriage? In many ways i know it would be easier to be vanilla - no more hiding things from my friends and family, no more being careful what we say and do around Poppy so she doesn't pick up on it, no more rules and restrictions and training. But as soon as i think of that i start to wonder whether those vanilla people aren't missing out on something by not being in a BDSM relationship, because i think the connection, the trust, the honesty, the devotion and the loyalty are so much deeper and more intense in a D/s relationship than in many vanilla ones.

So my answer to the question has to be 'i don't know'. Maybe neither is better in the end. But i'm sad to report that i had a moment where for the first time i was properly ashamed of what and who i am and really really wished at that moment that i had been born with different wiring. Anyone else care to chip in on this?

What a sweetie

Just a quick postto tell everyone how incredibly proud i am of my little girl, and how everyday she does something to amaze and surprise me.
Earlier it got a bit quiet on the Poppy front so i went to see what she was up to and found her sprawled out on her tummy next to the rabbit's cage, 'reading' one of her favourite books to him whilst showing him the pictures through the bars. And the cutest thing of all was that the rabbit was laying in his cage next to her, happily listening to her chatter and seeming to pay attention to the things she was pointing out to him in the pictures! When she heard me come in, she looked up at me and said all proudly "look, babbi read!" (babbi=rabbit) which is one of the most complex sentences she has said so far, and i was just so overcome with the absolute cuteness of her right then that i laid down next to her and we spent the next hour sharing books with the rabbit together. i love my little poppet so much, and feel incredibly blessed to be the mummy of such an amazing little girl :)

Oh

In not such great news i have a new lesson in 'libby's learning folder' related to the incident which happened the other day. Although Sir understood why i was upset, He was disappointed that i got cross with Him and seemingly refused to accept His decision for a while. (It wasn't really that i was refusing to accept it, i was just struggling with trying to understand it, but i know that it must have come across that way because of my actions). i apologised to Sir as soon as He got back from His walk with Poppy, but the damage was already done by then and i half expected a punishment or at least some discipline from Him. But Sir has decided that a new lesson in my folder will be enough, so here it is: "libby is to accept all of her Master's decisions without question and in good grace, even when she doesn't understand the reasons behind them." Sorry Sir, i know You were only looking out for me and Poppy in the decision You made and i should trust You more. i will try hard not to let it happen again.

Snow day

Today our nursery is closed because of the snow, so Poppy and i are now officially on Christmas holidays! (The nursery is open next week, right up till Christmas eve, but not my unit because it operates during school term-time only, but i booked Poppy that week off ages ago because i wanted some time to get me and her all nice and prepared for Christmas this year, especially as i'm attempting to cook the Christmas dinner myself for the first time ever!) Sir has gone into work today, but He says He'll prolly come home early especially if it snows some more as our driveway goes through the middle of a farmer's field so can be quite tricky to negotiate in the snow.

So i've got permission to be online some today (normally during the week i'm not allowed to use the computer unless i've specially requested to in advance), and i thought i'd do a couple of posts to catch everyone up to where i am at the moment, before the busyness of Christmas takes over! These last two weeks have been really lovely at nursery because the children just love this time of year. The nativity production went really well again this year, with my special needs kiddies singing and signing 'away in a manger' just beautifully and making most of the audience cry. Because we'd practiced it so much with them beforehand they were fairly calm on the actual day, and there were no tantrums which is always a good thing. Poppy wasn't in the show this year as she is too young, but from next year she will be taking part and i can't wait!

We've had loads of other Christmassy events too, and it's been so nice to just watch the kiddies faces when we do them - we made decorations to put up round the room, did lots of Christmas baking which we ate some of and sent some home, grew winter hyacinths to send home as presents to mums and dads, listened to the nativity story and acted it out with sweet little wooden characters, had a party with loads of food and games, had Father Christmas visit us to give out presents to each child, went on a trip to see the Christmas lights and all the goodies in the shops, tried roasted chestnuts, sang Christmas songs and carols, and loads more. Everyone is very tired now though - staff and children - and eagerly counting down the days on our advent calendar until Father Christmas comes and we all get a nice rest to celebrate with our families.

So today me and Poppy are all nicely snuggled up inside, looking out the window and watching it snow some more. Later on we're going to go out in the garden and make a nice snowman then come back in for hot chocolate to warm us up, and i think we'll have something nice like soup for lunch to keep us all warm and toasty. i could really do with nipping down to the shops later to get some food in, but i should prolly wait till Sir gets back and we can use the car. Oh and in other exciting news, i think i may be pregnant again!! i know some people think you shouldn't announce it until you're safely past the 3 months mark, but i'm just so excited i won't be able to keep quiet for that long. It's too early for me to take the test yet, but in a week or so i'll be able to and then i can let everyone know whether or not i am officially expecting, but all the signs are there (moody blues for no reason, itchy feet (that happened last time with Poppy), tender bewbies, going to pee more often than normal). If i am preggie that would mean that i conceived almost immediately after coming off my contraceptive injections, but then i always have fallen pregnant easily with Sir (the last 2 times i was still on the pill when it happened!). So further news on the baby front when i have it.

Have a happy Christmas everyone if i don't get to post again before then. Oh, and some people have emailed me to ask if they can get me anything for Christmas - it's a lovely thought but Sir won't give out our address, so if you want to give me a present perhaps you can record a voice message on my little gadget thing in the sidebar - i would loveeeeeeeeee to get some more of those!

What do you do........?

....... when your Master makes a decision that you are really desperately unhappy with?

Normally i would say that as a slave i have to put up and shut up, but this situation is a bit different because it involves someone i care deeply about, someone who i class as part of my family, someone i love just as much as Sir but in a different way.

You see someone close to me is in a bit of financial trouble, and they are not doing anything for Christmas because of this - no dinner, no presents - they may lose their car, internet access, water, electricity, even their home, they've been to every agency and source of help they can think of but have been turned down for various reasons, neither of them can work for health reasons but only one of them is entitled to benefits and it's just not enough for them to live on. Sir was contacted by someone who knows this person and their family, and asked if He would loan them some money to help them out of their situation, but He has decided not to as it's quite a large amount and He doesn't really feel we can spare it just when we're planning to expand our family and all.

i tried to change Sir's mind when we had a free-talk session about it this morning, but He is adamant and standing by His decision. He won't give me all the reasons why, He just says He knows He is making the right choice - for us and for the person involved - but it really doesn't feel like it to me. And it's so hard to just sit by and watch as this person so close to me gets depressed and stressed out and ill because of all these problems, and i'm sitting here enjoying a lovely family Christmas with all the trimmings knowing that they are not. i even considered sending the money myself out of my wages, but then i found out that they need £1000 and i don't have that amount to send. Even if i sent a lesser amount it wouldn't be enough and then i wouldn't be able to contribute to the mortgage and the bills and everything, and i would be expecting Sir to find that money from somewhere to make up for my shortfall and i don't think He has much savings left after our wedding and the expense of having a baby. And then Sir categorically banned me from sending any money of my own, because He must have been able to see what i was thinking, which made me so frustrated that i just sat there and cried. He is changing the rules by saying that because it states that my wages are mine for me to spend on whatever i want to after contributing to the mortgage and bills, and i know that if i was allowed to send the rest of my wages for the next few months that would do something to help the situation. But i've been told i'm not allowed to and it just makes me feel so helpless.

i've gone from feeling frustrated to feeling upset to feeling confused to feeling angry. i don't understand why Sir is doing this, why He won't help this person and why He won't let me help either. i know He can change the rules, or add to them or make exceptions anytime He wants, as He is the Master and that's His privilege, but it's really hard for me to accept. So i've shut myself off from Sir while i struggle to make sense of all this and come to some acceptance of it, and Sir has taken Poppy out to give me some time to calm down.

So my question is what do you do when your Master makes a decision wihich you totally do not agree with, and which affects someone you care about deeply?

new baby plans

** i started writing this post a few weeks ago at the beginning of November, but never got around to finishing it, so decided to leave the first paragraph as it is and then add to it. Hope that won't get too confusing!**
Feeling very excited today because Sir and i sat down this morning to discuss plans for expanding our family. We had already decided that i won't have any more contraceptive injections once my current one runs out, which will leave me free to get pregnant from December onwards, and we had already discussed that we wouldn't hurry things, we will just let our next baby come whenever he/she is ready to, but it's so hard for me not to be all excited and willing for me to get pregnant quickly now we have definitely made plans for another baby. It means that by this time next year hopefully i will be pregnant, or maybe even have a new little one if i fall preggie really quickly like i seem to have done before! The other things we have discussed with regards to our family plans are that Poppy will move into a 'big girl's bed' in a few months time, and when that happens we feel that we should also move her into the other bedroom at the same time. Part of me is worried because that's a big change to happen all at once and i'm not sure she will cope with it, but i don't want the move to happen when the new baby is born because then she might resent him/her for taking her bedroom away from her - so it's best that we do it way before then so she doesn't connect the two. We did think about keeping Poppy where she is and converting the other bedroom into a nursery for the new baby, but since the existing nursery has been decorated so nicely and is bigger to fit in the changing table and the glider chair and all the other furniture, we feel it's best done this way. And also that means that Poppy can be involved in picking out the paint or wallpaper for her walls and seeing her new bedroom be decorated all nice for her. i hope she'll be OK with it! We've also decided to increase Poppy's time at nursery school to 5 days a week once the new baby is born to give me chance to spend time just with the new little one. Poppy already goes to nursery 2 1/2 days a week and absolutely loves it so i don't see this being a problem, i'm just a bit sad that she will have to give up her clubs like the mothers and toddlers group, the music club and the toddler rhyme time in the library, because she really does enjoy those. But perhaps a better solution will work itself out nearer the time. Sir and i have also agreed that i will return to work part-time when the new baby is about 1 year old, just like i did with Poppy because that worked out really well. And in the meantime we'll survive on Sir's wages, my maternity pay and our savings, which should be enough. My mum and sister have already said that they're happy to help out with looking after both children whenever we need them, and they've been so great with taking Poppy off our hands, so i know me and Sir will still get alone time. The only thing that's really bothering me is whether the post-natal depression will return after the birth of the new baby. That really affected me last time, and looking back on it now it seems like i missed some important time with Poppy because of it and wasn't able to fully enjoy those first precious months with her like i should have done. But seeing as we know the signs this time around, i think we should be able to get me some help to nip it in the bud, and my counsellor said there's no reason it should return as it was linked to not grieving properly for Joshua and i've done that now. So i'm hopeful everything will be OK this time around. The other thing that Sir mentioned is having the loft converted into two bedrooms and a bathroom, so that as we expand our family (we plan to have 4 children in the end) the older ones can move up there. That scares me a little as it's a big project to take on and i don't really like having workmen in the house cos of all the disruption and intrusion and noise and mess, but when i think about it i realise it would give us a lot more space. So we'll see what Sir decides. In the meantime i'm going to dream of tiny fingers and toes, soft fuzzy new baby hair, that special smell that new little ones have, and days spent rocking and singing and snuggling my new little bundle of joy :)

101 list - so far

So as promised, here's an update on the '101' list, which for those who don't know is a list i compiled of 101 things i wanted to achieve in 1001 days - it's in the sidebar to view if you want to! Recently i have been able to cross a few more items off the list, namely:
#1. learn how to make a pavlova properly - recently i did some Christmas baking, not as much as i would have liked to, and nowhere near as much as some other bloggers seem to do, but i did manage to make some cookies, some mini chocolate yule logs, some fudge, and a huge mixed-berry pavlova. The recipe i found seemed a bit vague, like it assumed that the reader already knew what they were doing (which i definitely didn't!) so i phoned up my mum and she gave me some great tips and it came out absolutely beautiful :) i also made some mini meringue nests as well which can be filled with whipped cream and fruit as and when needed. Oh, and i discovered that Poppy absolutely loves meringue - guess she's inherited my sweet tooth!

#13. try out a new hairstyle - i needed to take Poppy for her first haircut the other week as it was getting too long and in her eyes, so i asked Sir if i could get mine cut at the same time, which He agreed to, and then i plucked up courage to ask Him if i could please try out a bit of a different style. Sir loves long hair, especially thick and wavy like mine, but i really wanted some of the weight taken out of it to make it more manageable, and Sir agreed to this so long as He could choose the style and send me in with a photo for the hairstylist. So in i marched with a photo torn from a magazine, not something i would have chosen for myself, but something which i thought looked pretty, and it came out really really well. Some 'graduated layers' have been put in around the front and some of the weight taken out of the back, plus a few inches taken off the ends, so it feels much lighter and it also shows more of my face off which Sir really likes. It's pretty and feminine but still grown up, so i'm happy with it too :)

#45. plan for our next baby - Sir and i sat down and had a long chat about this recently, i'll write a post on it later!

#68. mentor another sub - the mentoring by email seems to be going well so far, though we're taking it slow - she's asked me a few questions which i've replied to, giving her some advice and suggestions, and she said that she's found my ideas useful and will try them out, so i think i can now safely sign this one off as being completed, even if the mentoring doesn't last all that long for whatever reason, at least i've tried it out.

No matter what?

First you really should go and check out the post which initially sparked this musing in my mind, over at Chloe's blog (which in itself was a response to something read on doubleknot's blog) -oh, and be sure to read all the comments too because there's an interesting range of perspectives there.... and then come back here to read my view, please?!

So, for anyone who didn't want to go wade through all the discussions, basically doubleknot did something which got her punished by her Dom and He made a comment to her that she would never be released by Him because of her actions, but instead would be molded and shaped and corrected so that she once again becomes the slave He requires. To which Chloe posted that she wishes she had the 'no matter what' clause in her M/s relationship, but she finds it difficult to even believe that that type of relationship is possible in the real world. All of which got me thinking hard about 3 main questions: Do i believe that 'no matter what' relationships are possible in M/s? Do Sir and i have a 'no matter what' relationship? How would/does that change things for me? (Answers below :) )

~ do i believe that 'no matter what' relationships are possible in M/s?

having thought hard about this question my answer has to be 'yes'. i think in the vanilla world, some people go into marriage with a 'no matter what' attitude, whilst others go in with a list of deal-breakers in their minds (things which would automatically end the relationship if the other person did them). Normally those deal-breakers would be things like having an affair, displaying violence, those kinds of things, and on the one hand i understand why those things would be deal-breakers to many people but i also see how others feel their love is so strong that they could find a way to forgive their partner for doing those things. But to me a M/s dynamic goes so much deeper than a vanilla marriage (not saying that it's better, just on a different level), so that the Dom is able to correct and discipline and punish the sub for minor transgressions meaning it is unlikely that the relationship will ever reach the point where a deal-breaker occurs (or what would be a deal-breaker for other relationships). And also even if that situation did happen, the Dom has much more control over leading the sub back onto the right path, that i think it is more likely that M/s relationships would survive them over vanilla ones. i know lots of people will be sitting there thinking 'but what if the slave did this?or this?', but to me those arguments are akin to the 'but if you give up all control and agree to obey Him no matter what... what if He tells you to jump off a cliff?' - they're nonsensical to me in a committed M/s relationship because the two people know each other so well going into it that they know the other person just would never do that. So, basic answer: while i know that M/s relationships falter and fail and break down, i do believe it is possible to have a 'no matter what' clause and stick to it, and i believe this is more likely to work in M/s than in a vanilla marriage.

~ do Sir and i have a 'no matter what' relationship?

i had to go and ask Sir about this one because it's not something that's ever come up before. We've never actually sat down and discussed which things would automatically lead to me being released (if any) or whether Sir would stick by me no matter what i did (that sounds wrong, almost like i can do anything i want and get away with it, but trust me the consequences for breaking the rules are bad enough, there's no way i would want to face the punishment for a bigger transgression). So we had a 'free talk time' about it and the upshot is that yes, mine and Sir's relationship is a 'no matter what' one - Sir said that He wouldn't have been able to make that decision in the beginning, but having seen the depth of my commitment and loyalty to Him since i was collared 3 years ago He is able to confidently add the 'no matter what' clause (and says He would have been able to for quite some time now). So no matter what i do, Sir will stand by me and try His hardest to bring me back onto the right path again and remold me into His desired slave. And He says He would keep on trying until either He was successful or i chose to end it and walked away - apparently that's the only thing that would break the clause now, me deciding not to be a slave anymore and leaving, and even then He would do everything He could to bring me back (not that i see that ever happening, anymore than Sir does, which He says is part of the reason He is able to commit to the 'no matter what' clause, because He can be fairly confident it will never come into play anyway. But He will stick by His promises, if it does).

~ how does that change things for me?

in a way it changes nothing, because Sir and i are still the same, our relationship and roles are still the same, etc. But in another way it changes a lot of things personally for me - it makes me feel even more confident in our relationship than before, it brings it home to me once again just how lucky i am to be owned by Sir and to be in the situation that i am, it reminds me of Sir's resolute commitment to and faith in me and makes me want to repay those in every way that i can, and ultimately it gives me a deep sense of peace that if in the future something happened to make me go off the rails Sir would be there to guide me back onto them again. Outwardly, nothing has changed, but inwardly i become even more devoted, loyal and grateful to my Sir, and soooooooo determined that the 'no matter what' clause will never ever have to be used even though it's there!

**Btw, i know some people will be annoyed by my opinions, and reading this post back i come off as a bit naive and a bit arrogant and a bit condescending in some parts, but i honestly don't mean to, and i think it's more important that i record my true opinions here rather than try to keep everyone sweet. But please feel free to leave comments, and i will reply to them :)