processing humiliation

January 23, 2010

processing humiliation

Last weekend Sir had organised a 'special' training session for me and cancelled Ma'am's visit, but i wasn't allowed to know what it was ahead of time, so of course i was really nervous. It turns out that 2 of Sir David's Dom friends were staying with Him and Sir had invited all 3 of them round to our house for a special poker session with a difference.

Sir only told me about an hour before their arrival what the session would be about - He instructed me to shower and shave and get myself looking all nice but not to put any clothes on. Then when i came downstairs He put a small ring gag in my mouth, attached to the head harness and fastened it all up. This immediately put me in a very submissive mode because of the fact it reminds me of being an animal, i cannot talk or close my mouth and it makes me drool which i find embarrassing. Sir also put my nipple charms on me and my clitty butterfly vibrator and had me kneel ready in the hallway. When the 3 Doms arrived together (i have been told to call Sir David's friends 'L' and 'P' here) i was told to 'present' myself to them. They had very different reactions to me, which turned out to be how they would react to me for the rest of the morning - L basically looked at me but did not talk to me, referring all His comments and questions about me to Sir to answer. He didn't even say "hello" to me, which made me think He was either a bit cold or thought Himself so far above me that i didn't deserve to be spoken to. Or maybe that was part of the training agreed beforehand? P spoke to me, but more in the manner that you would normally speak to a little child or a cute puppy, and He actually patted me on the head when He first came in the door, and kept making remarks about my body which made me blush. i was feeling even more conscious of my nudity than i normally would in a situation like that, due to being pregnant and having a little belly pooch which makes me just look fat and huge dark brown nipples which stick out loads.

Then all the Doms went through to the lounge and i was told to follow. Sir had set up a poker table and i was to be their croupier. But when i saw the chair i was to sit on i got very very nervous and embarrassed because Sir had attached a dildo sticking up in the middle of it (hence the clitty vibe i guess to get me ready for it). Sir just said "sit" and they all stood and watched while i lowered myself onto the dildo and tried to sit comfortably and pretend it wasn't inside me and they hadn't all just watched that. Then they basically played poker while i dealt the cards out and moved the chips to the right places, but it was weird not being able to talk because normally when i have acted as a croupier before i have announced the cards and the bets and whose turn it is, etc, but i couldn't this time due to the gag. i'm not sure how long the game went on for but my jaw was beginning to ache by the end of it.

Next Sir invited them all to sit on the sofas while He fetched some beer for them and He told me i would need to be the table as He had set up the other one as a poker table. So i had to kneel on all fours in front of the Doms on the sofa. When Sir came back with the beers they all rested them on my back or bottom in between drinking, and it was really hard to keep still and balanced so i didn't spill them. Actually i think the main reason i managed it was because i kept thinking how hard it would be to get the stains out of the carpet! i was hoping that once they had drunk the beers they would be going, but all of a sudden Sir walked out of the room and returned with a package which ended up containing a brand new buttplug and also the wartenberg wheel. i was absolutely shrivelling up inside at that point and really really wanting the whole thing to be over because i really wasn't sure i could stand the embarrassment of having the buttplug inserted in front of all those other Doms but Sir went right ahead and did it anyway, lubing me up first and then pushing the plug inside, telling me to 'let it in' and such like. It was made of glass and had kind of spiral/swirls in it so it felt very different from what i am used to, but once it was inside there was just that familiar sensation of being full and i tried to block out from my mind the fact that i was kneeling there on all fours, naked with a butt plug in infront of strangers.

Then they took it in turns to use the wartenberg wheel on me, and i remember squealing a bit and having to try hard to keep still, but to be honest by that point i had kind of disassociated from myself and it was more like i was witnessing it happening to another person. i think by then i had stopped feeling embarrassed and all that kept going through my head was the thought 'just get through this and then they will go' and suddenly it was finished and they were collecting their coats and leaving. Sir had a long snuggle and chat with me after, and i know He told me i had done well and He was proud of me but i don't really remember what else He said. Since then i have tried to block the memories out of my mind of what happened because it makes me cringe too much to think about it, but Sir said i had to post my thoughts on it here, so today i have been analysing it and my reactions to it. i think it is the first real prolonged experience of humiliation i have had in front of others in real life and while most of me hopes never to go through something like it again, and i know i would hate the actual experience just as much next time, afterwards there is a sense of pride in me for having done it and pleased Sir. i don't think it turned me on though, either during it or thinking about it afterwards, but maybe other kinds of humiliation would do that better, i'm not sure.

Hmm this post seems to be a little jumbled, but it's the best i can do at the moment. i would be interested to hear other people's experiences and thoughts on humiliation as it is still such a new area for me. Thanks :)