Transitions in our relationship

April 07, 2010

Transitions in our relationship

So i'm feeling much brighter and happier today, but also rather thoughtful. And as i'm now back at home after my pregnancy Pilates class this morning, and have had lunch and all that, i've decided to tackle one of the many posts under 'upcoming posts' in the sidebar. Part of the reason that list has been growing and growing for a while, without me actually sitting down to write any of them, has been that they all require quite a lot of thought to get my head around what it is i'm trying to say about each subject. But one in particular seems poignant to where i am right now in my life, so i'm going to tackle it today.



It's inspired by the 'transitions in slavery' post that swan wrote a little while ago: http://theheronclan.blogspot.com/2010/03/transitions-in-slavery.html, and which is well worth reading. i was sitting here at lunch today, working my way through the contents of one of Sir's delicious 'snack boxes' that He creates for me every day, and i was thinking how strange it feels not to have Poppy in the house. Since i gave birth to her nearly 2 years ago she has either been at home with me, or out with me somewhere, or in a different room at nursery when i have been working. But there have been very few occasions when i have been alone in the house since she was born. It doesn't make me feel sad because i know that she's having a great time at nursery and learning and developing lots whilst she's there, and i can definitely do with the chance to put my feet up and relax now that i'm starting to feel the effects of creating two little lives inside of me..... but it brought home to me how my life is going to be changing once again, and how that process has already started.

i think in the beginning i looked on change as being a necessary part of mine and Sir's relationship, as i was 'new' and therefore learning and developing, so at that stage change was a positive thing, it meant that i had grown and was ready for whatever the next step was. It was exciting and something to be celebrated and actively sought out. Then when i became collared by Sir and moved in with Him, i kind of thought that the changes would stop, that i had reached the pinnacle of my existence as it were by becoming a '24/7 live-in real-life slave' (!) and that things would pretty much remain constant forever and ever from that point on. After all, i had my rules and my rituals and my routines, didn't i? So i knew where i stood and what was expected of me, and there was no reason why Sir and i couldn't continue living in that way for years and years and years. Except of course, life happens. Things like falling pregnant and having a baby, things like bringing up that child and having them around all the time at home, things like coping with post-natal depression, things like getting engaged and then married, things like going back to work part-time as well as running a house and looking after a child, things like falling pregnant again with twins this time..... each and every one of those major life events, and all the many seemingly smaller events as well, inevitably meant changes to our M/s dynamic. Certain rituals and routines have fallen by the wayside, many rules have had to be adapted and updated or scrapped altogether, the amount and type of training i am able to do has decreased a lot, play sessions now have to be carefully scheduled and planned around when Poppy is out of the house, the type of M/s interactions we engage in during our everyday lives has had to become a lot more subtle, and so on and so on.

Not that i resent any of those changes, or think that they have been detrimental to mine and Sir's relationship or to my progress as a slave, or to my happiness and fulfillment as a person. On the contrary, i think i am possibly the happiest and most fulfilled and content and all those other things than i have ever been in my life, and i wouldn't go back and change any of those things that have happened for one moment. But i think what's really hit me when i look back on the 4 1/2 years Sir and i have been together is that the changes to our relationship/dynamic haven't happened suddenly, even though the events that necessitated them have. It's more like a series of gradual transitions throughout the past few years, and the changes are a lot more fluid and complex than would at first appear to be the case. It means that i as a slave have changed too, but again it's not been a sudden change, but rather a process of continual transition as i adapt to each new event in my life. When i look back at how my life was when i first moved in with Sir and how it is now, on the surface it is very different and in some ways appears to be less 'strict' or 'intense' in M/s terms. But i know that underneath the dynamic between us is even stronger than back then and we still relate to each other with the same level of M/s intensity as we did in the beginning, if not more so. Perhaps it's more a case of me no longer needing such practical, obvious reminders of my slavery to keep me on the right track anymore, but i can self-manage because i've internalised it? Whatever the case, i feel that Sir and i have come to a place where we are both comfortable and confident in our relationship and our roles within it, and are able to maintain it without the degree of effort it once took. This is evident in many things, but i will point to my punishments as an example - the last one was in 2007!! (showing, i think, that i am now able to keep to the 'rules' without even probably needing the rules anymore, if that makes sense).

i feel that M/s relationships, just like any relationships but probably more so, are a bit like sand-dunes - just when you think you've got to the top of one and know where you are the sand shifts and you're in a different place and have to adapt to your surroundings and set off on a new path once again. And just like the dunes in the desert, there is no 'end goal', no definitive moment of arrival; the constantly shifting sands mean that you'll forever be travelling onward, forever be working to adapt to the changing landscape. But i for one am OK with that, at least it means things will never get stale!