Rules and rituals - my take

July 17, 2010

Rules and rituals - my take

A little while back kaya posted a question on her blog - whether rules and rituals are the lifeblood of a D/s relationship or whether they are more of a death sentence for it? http://underhishand.com/rules-and-rituals-lifeblood-or-death-sentence-for-ms
Basically whether they help to keep the dynamic flowing and working or whether they make the relationship seem stale and stilted. As i have quite a lot of rules and rituals which i must follow, and as these have evolved and changed over time according to our circumstances, i thought i would attempt to answer kaya's question here.

In the beginning when i was a very new and inexperienced sub, with my first ever Master, the rules and rituals were very important for me. The rules helped me to know exactly where i stood, exactly what was expected of me, and made me feel controlled and contained and managed to the degree that i had been looking for. Throughout the day, no matter what i was doing i knew that i was doing it in the way that Sir wanted me to, and it helped to remind me that i was his sub/slave everytime that i consciously followed His rules. So at the start the rules were important in establishing our D/s dynamic and making me feel like a sub all the time and indoctrinating me into the lifestyle and helping me feel this relationship was different to all the vanilla ones i had had before.

Then once i was pregnant with Poppy and after i gave birth to her, the rules had to change and become less overt in the way my submission was expressed. i think this is the time that the rituals started to become more important, because Sir made sure that there were established ways for me to act at prescribed times of the day, such as when i woke up, when meals were ready, when Sir left for work, when Sir got in from work, before getting into bed, etc. etc. And i also have the ritual about offering a BJ, like kaya described, but unlike her and her Master it has worked really well in our relationship and i love the feeling it gives me inside to offer to suck His cock, knowing it is something i am required to do because He has instructed me to without having to say at that particular moment "I want you to suck my cock now" - i guess it's just another way for the dynamic between us to be expressed. And yes there are times when He declines the offer, but it never seems to get stale or annoying.

To be honest i think i could function pretty well without the rules now because i know Sir's expectations and requirements and so automatically work within them. But that's not to say that the rules are a death sentence for our D/s relationship, far from it as i am happy for them to stay and so is Sir. i think maybe it depends on personality, as mine is very well suited to rules and lists and knowing exactly what i need to do whereas other people might find that stifling after a while. And i think it depends very much on the Master's personality as well, because some Doms might create a list of rules as it is seen as the 'done' thing in a D/s relationship, but if they're going to find it annoying to keep checking up on and enforcing the rules this will lead to resentment on their part and then when they start getting lax with punishments for broken rules it leads to frustration and disappointment on the part of the sub. Also i think it is important for the rules to be reviewed and altered as and when necessary due to life changes or as the sub develops, which i am fortunate in that Sir is very good at adapting them to my circumstances and needs.

So i guess like most things in BDSM, it's not one-size-fits-all. But for me and Sir, rules and rituals work well and help to enhance our dynamic. Any other opinions/ experiences anyone would like to share on this topic?