formspring.me #51

August 23, 2010

formspring.me #51

congrats on the babies ! And could you give me any advice on how to tell my normal boyfriend that im submissive we've been together for a year and i just dont know how to tell him

i never had this problem as by the time i discovered my submission i wasn't in a relationship so could go looking specifically for a BDSM relationship and ended up with Sir. i know that many other people do have this problem though, and i think from what i've read the advice seems to be to try to gradually show more of your submissive side in subtle ways and see how your boyfriend reacts to it - he might naturally start taking on more of a Dominant role in response, then maybe suggest some light kinky play in the bedroom (tying your wrists to the bedpost with scarves? a bit of light spanking?). Depending on how your boyfriend reacts to these things will determine whether or not you bring the subject up with him and reveal the true depth of your submissive feelings i guess. And good luck.

You know what? i'm feeling so restless that i think i'll take this time to plough through some more of the remaining questions on my formspring account, so bear with me and we'll see how many i can get done:

If a sub's place is at a Master's feet, why is a SLAVE'S place sitting on the floor away from him via online?

Ummmm i don't know how much you have read of this blog and others, but i think you'll find that there are many different types of BDSM relationship out there, some real-life, some long distance, some online only. It's certainly not true that all slaves have online relationships with their Masters (look at me for example - i live with my Master/husband), and it's also not true that a sub's 'place' is at her Master's feet, infact that seems more of a slave thing in my eyes. i don't think we can judge others relationships and situations, so i'm not going to say that all M/s or D/s relationships should be conducted in real-life, i happen to know a very successful M/s relationship conducted via online, telephone and other long-distance means which has been going strong since before Sir and i met. So basically you have the wrong idea about slaves (i would think that more subs tend to have online relationships than slaves do, due to the nature of the dynamics involved) and subs (not all of them would agree that their place is at their Master's feet) and online relationships (they can work very well for some people). But hey, thanks for the question. i guess if you want to know more, you'd need to ask some of the people involved in online relationships - look on my blog list. Next?

Hello! i'm a 21 year old girl in a serious D/s lifestyle type of relationship. This is my first relationship of this kind but feels so natural and right. i was hoping you could give me some ideas for showing a little extra love, obedience and affection.
Firstly, congratulations for finding a relationship which works so well for you and i hope it continues to do so. Every sub will be different in the ways in which they show their love and obedience and every Dom will be different in what they expect from their sub, but i would say in general it just needs observation. Watch for your Dom's habits and try to pre-empt them so instead of Him making a cup of coffee at the same time everyday, He finds that you have it ready for Him. Pick up on how He's feeling at any given time and offer Him things you think He might need - a foot rub, the newspaper, some quiet time alone, a beer, a chat, a long hot bath, etc. Listen to the things He says and remember them to help you serve Him better - does He mention a specific DVD He'd like to watch? a type of jam He's particularly enjoying? His favourite chocolate? a scent he loves on a woman? something He saw advertised that looks interesting? Then go out and get those things for Him without being asked. And lastly, always remember the rules He has set for you and abide by them, learn from your mistakes and try never to make the same one twice and prove to Him that He can trust you to follow His orders in every aspect of your life. That's it really.

Do you think there's anything from your past that has led you to a submissive lifestyle?
If you're talking about a difficult childhood, or past abuse, then no i haven't had any experiences like that. It's controversial anyway whether those types of past experience make someone more susceptible to becoming submissive later on in life, but i happen to think that they do - that's another question altogether though. i would say that looking back i was always showing submissive tendencies by wanting to please people, offering to do things for others, needing to be helpful and useful, etc. So i think it's a natural part of my personality. The only thing from my past that i can pinpoin as actually helping to lead me to the life i have now, is when one of my ex-boyfriends tried out some kinky stuff with me during sex and i found that i really enjoyed being submissive to him in that way. That kind of sparked my curiosity and lead me to investigate this lifestyle further. But on the whole i would say it's an inborn part of me and something i was always destined to discover about myself, no matter what childhood/experiences i might have had.

OK, that'll do for now, but i may well try to answer another batch of questions like this fairly soon. And comments are always appreciated, plus extra questions if you have them.

Ask me anything