Reprioritising

September 19, 2010

Reprioritising

This week has made me realise more than ever that sometimes things happen in our lives which cause us to re-evaluate and reassess the priorities we had previously. i was feeling very nervous about this week because Sir went back to work after taking 4 weeks' paternity leave, and i was worried about having to look after both twins by myself from 8:30am to 5:00pm every day. Part of me doubted that i could do it, or thought that even if i did manage i would be very stressed and not able to provide the kind of calm but stimulating activities that i want for my children. In the end the week has been easier than i anticipated, and i am no longer worried about my ability to be a good mum to both of our twins, and Poppy as well. But i has caused me to have a rethink in some areas.

When i first moved in with Sir as His collared slave i guess i had a bit of an idealised version in my head of how things would be. And because it was only us in the house, to some extents and purposes that idealised vision became reality - i had an extensive list of rules about using the furniture, asking permission for things, kneeling at Sir's feet, 'presenting' myself to Him, my dress code for being in the house, personal hygiene, etc. which i was expected to follow. And there were plenty of protocols and rituals throughout the day to keep me reminded of my new status and place within the relationship. Had we continued living as just us two, i suspect that i would still be clinging to those protocols and rituals and feeling that they were vital to my happiness as a slave.

However, our lives have taken a somewhat different route and we now find ourselves with three young children under the age of 3 years, one of whom has significant difficulties and will have for the rest of his life. Suddenly, the idealised image of me as a slave, kneeling at Sir's feet doesn't seem as important anymore, and our focus swings to how best to care for and raise all of our children, meeting all of their needs as well as we can, whilst still finding time to connect as a married couple and as a Master and slave. It has become very clear to me over time, and especially in the past few months, that the outward trappings of slavery are of very little importance to actually maintaining a functioning M/s relationship, and that in reality i don't miss them all that much and certainly have no desire to return to them given what i have now instead with a house full of children who need me to be their mummy.

Yes i am still Sir's slave, and yes the dynamic still exists between us and is evident in very subtle ways in how we interact. Yes i will always need rules and restrictions and orders to follow and comply with, and yes i will always crave and benefit from being used and hurt and trained and 'played' with. But at the moment our main priority is getting things as stable as possible with William's health, finding out about programmes and therapies which we can get him started on even at this early stage, and balancing his needs with the competing demands on our time and attention from the other two children. The M/s necessarily has to fade into the background for a while, but because we have built up such a secure base we can focus on being mummy and daddy at the moment without being worried that our Master and slave sides will crumble or suffer. And when we have got things more settled with regards to the family side of our lives, we will be able to pick up with the M/s side again from where we left off and get a better balance back into our days and weeks and months and years.

But for now Sir and i have reprioritised, and we are both fine with that.