Three years (or four....)

September 05, 2010

Three years (or four....)

Earlier this week Sir and i had our 3 year collaring anniversary. **OMG!! After writing this post i realised it is actually 4 years! That just shows you how frazzled my brain is recently!!**

 Neither of us were in a mood to 'celebrate' it exactly, as it was the day after we'd taken William for all those tests and we were both still processing the results and what they would mean for our little boy. But we did acknowledge what the day was and exchanged gifts and spent some time by ourselves just snuggling together and enjoying each other.

When i think about the fact that i have been collared for 3 (4) years, it doesn't sound very long and it makes me think that i should still be quite a 'new' slave, but in reality it feels like i have been with Sir for a very long time and i am quite an experienced slave in terms of His requirements. i think that part of that is because of everything else that has happened during that time, more vanilla things if you like - we have had 3 children together, experienced a miscarriage as well, gotten engaged, then married and gone on honeymoon, built a dungeon, had our garage converted, refitted our kitchen.... and now we are having to deal with one of our children having a serious lifelong condition. Quite a lot for 3 years huh?

i have also changed a lot as a slave since i was first collared by Sir - and i mean that in two different ways. i have changed in that i have made progress and developed and become more experienced, but i have also changed due to becoming a wife and mother as well as a slave. In some ways it has been difficult to keep the two forms of changes balanced and working together because in some ways they are contradictory, and it has often been difficult to keep advancing and progressing as a slave whilst also adapting to our changing circumstances. If i had known in the beginning how my life would be now i think i probably wouldn't have entered into this relationship, because back then i was convinced that i needed the 24/7 control, complete with all the rules, rituals, routines etc. that went with that. i was guilty of thinking that in order to be happy as a slave i needed to be naked or near naked at all times when around Sir, to kneel at His feet whenever we were together, to ask permission to do anything within the house, to be available sexually to Him at all times, and so on. And in the beginning it was like that and i was very pleased. But i quickly came to realise that all those things are outward trappings only and not necessary to true fulfillment as a slave. The mental and internal aspects started to take over, so that it didn't matter that lots of the trappings fell away when we had Poppy and even more so now that we have our baby twins as well. i no longer need to kneel at Sir's feet to feel our respective positions in the household, or to wander round the house wearing just my collar and a basque in order to be reminded of who i am. i have moved on from that, and i'm glad that i have because i've been able to find a much deeper acceptance of myself inside and feel comfortable and confident in who and what i am, even though most of the time i seem like quite a 'normal' wife and mother to those on the outside.

Thank You Sir for all You have done in training and shaping me the past three (or four) years, and for our three beautiful children. Thank You for allowing me to become Your wife as well as Your slave, for sticking by me through the tough times and for giving me more happy memories than i can even begin to count. And thank You for bringing me to this point in my life where i feel i can truly be myself and be fulfilled in every way possible. i love You Sir and i am Yours always and all ways.