October 28, 2010
Confusing conflict
Basically i was asked whether i ever serve other Dom/mes sexually in real-life (the answer is yes), whether i have ever been in a threesome with Sir and another Man (again, yes), and then whether Sir has other subs/slaves serve Him sexually (the answer is no) and whether i have ever been in a threesome with Sir and another girl (again, no). And as i was answering these questions the same old feelings of jealousy and insecurity arose in me when i even considered the possibility of Sir using another sub or even a vanilla girl in any sexual way at all. (He has been served drinks etc by other subs at parties, and has contributed to the training of His Dom friends' subs by carrying out a flogging, etc, but that's as far as He goes).
Which seems like such a contradiction because i am very happy to scene online with other Dom/mes and subs, flirt and play sexually with other girls in real-life, and i have even enjoyed aspects of my training where i am used by other Dom/mes in real-life too. But as soon as it comes to any other sub serving my Sir or being used by my Sir i get very very worried and insecure and jealous. Of course if Sir decided that He was going to use another sub or play with another girl, there's nothing i could do about it and i would have to do my best to accept it - i know that and i went into this relationship fully aware of the fact that Sir can do whatever He likes and there will be times when i find that difficult. But after thinking through the various feelings involved i think i have come to some conclusions about why there may be such a different attitude towards 'sharing' the other person between me and my Sir:
i think it's all to do with the different roles we have in the dynamic and the different mindsets we have because of that. Sir is happy for me to scene with other Dom/mes online because He is secure in the knowledge that He owns me real-life and can have me in a way that they will never be able to. He also sees it of benefit to my development as a slave that interact with other Dom/mes in different ways and learn different ways of doing things, different requirements and protocols etc, and it can help further my training to practice online something which He later requires of me in real-life. Because He is the Master and can stop this online scening or put restrictions on it at any time, He does not feel jealous or insecure about it in any way, whereas if Sir decided to start scening with other subs online i would have no control over it and would feel very worried that they might be better than me, that His needs would be being met elsewhere and He would no longer have a need for me, that maybe they would replace me. This would be even more true for a real-life situation, should He start playing sexually with other subs in that sense.
i'm not sure i've explained it very well, but basically i think it comes down to the fact that a slave's role is to serve and meet needs, whereas a Master's role is to use and have His needs met. It is much easier for the slave to be replaced by others online or in real-life than the Master, or at least it seems it to me looking in from the outside imagining other girls serving my Sir. In reality i know that there is a lot more than just the physical/sexual aspect of BDSM and Sir would never replace me with another girl (i hope!), but that sureity would be threatened by any feeling that He was having to get His needs met elsewhere because i couldn't provide for Him. Also i think the lack of control that slaves have about the situation makes their anxieties worse because for the Dom He can choose which people to allow His slave to serve/scene with, and alter the restrictions and requirements at any time, whereas the sub has no say in any of it and certainly can't put limits on who her Master chooses to play with or how He goes about it.
Did that post even make sense? i know in my head what i'm trying to say but it seems to be coming out garbled today.
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6 comments:
i think that you have discovered that theory doesn't always match reality. The theory (not fact) that a subs ruls is to serve and please and a Masters role is to be served and be pleased is quite limiting and absolutely unrealistic.
2:13 PMA good Dominant will always ensure the *overall* happiness of his submissive. If a sub is unhappy, then just how far outside her own needs can she reach in order to make someone else happy? How vulnerable and open will an unhappy submissive allow herself to become, or remain? Not very, in my opinion and experience.
The Dom has the control in a relationship, and a good Dom will use that control and not abuse it. If there are reasons that you can identify about why your Sir allows you to scene with others, or requires it at times, then no matter how much you enjoy it for yourself, the enjoyment is enhanced by the knowledge that you are pleasing him, right? He controls your emotions even when you are scening with someone else, to a very large degree.
But he also controls your emotions in regards to his scening with others. He knows it is something that, at this point, may not simply make you unhappy but that it may have an effect on your ability to serve him as openly and fully as you do. Why would he risk losing that simply for a "tickle and a bump"?
He is happy, with you as a person and with your service to him as his slave. Anything that jeopardizes that is something he is most likely totally uninterested in, and if that means it is a self centered attitude (as many submissives seem to HAVE to believe before they can accept anything positive towards them) then so be it. It keeps both of you happy, so why not?
And i was speaking more in a generic and hypothetical manner, libby, so please don't think i am making personal commentary on you or your Sir or your relationship!
This one made me think, libby. Thanks :D
Very thought-provoking indeed!
2:59 PMJust wondering, isn't it the Master's responsibility to make you feel secure, too?
yes in a way it is, but i think there has to be a balance between providing that security and pushing the sub's boundaries in order to help her to grow and develop. If my Sir had never done anything that i was afraid of, or didn't like, or found difficult, or produced a negative reaction in me, then i wouldn't have been able to make any progress as His slave. So i guess in future there might come a time when Sir decides to work on this area with me to, to get me over the jealous and insecure feelings. Or maybe not, i don't really know. But just pointing out that part of being in a M/s relationship is having to confront your weaknesses and work on them, which can make you feel temporarily insecure, even though you are safe and protected within the relationship as a whole.
4:09 PMi know what you are going through, my Owner and i have a 2nd girl who is shared between us. This girl is below me in rank although she serves us both sexually. The very thought of her serving Owner sexually -without- me there and involved makes me cold and shaky and downright green eyed and bitchy.
11:34 PMNow, He has his online flings..none of them, BDSM related but still nonetheless. Somehow it dosen't bother me. my guess is that we are so protective of our Owners that the idea of someone else coming in and potentially making a mess in our yards (so to speak) hurts us
'protective' - that's the exact word to describe how i feel about Sir when i imagine Him being served by or using another girl. Which is weird because i would have said that the Dom is the one who should be protective towards the sub in the relationship, but i guess it works both ways for different reasons. i know when my Sir has popped into the BDSM chatroom (e.g. to update everyone on the birth of our twins) i felt that i had to stake my 'claim' to Him the next time i went in there, just incase anyone got any ideas! It's not that i don't trust my Sir, it's just protecting what is mine, and yes He is mine just as much as i am His :)
8:27 AMI just read this post now. And you make wonderful points, everyone! My Sir and i want to get another girl involved, because i've been really wanting to have my boundaries pushed with other females, and like Mrs. Chez, we're looking to find another sub for us. He may have found a perfect girl, but my Sir and i are away from eachother for a few months and He wants to give her some minor training, which is making me feel jealous and im worried He might find her more pleasing than i am to Him.. He says i should not be worried at all about being replaced or even the possibility that she can off ANYTHING that i cant to Him, and everything they do together will benefit our relationship in the long run, He says i am His number one, always! But these are the measures we have to take if we want a steady 3rd person.
7:35 PMSo with that said, i trust Him! i know it will work itself out, its just obviously hard to bare, but thats all a part of my self and our relationship growing! ... Sorry, haha i had to rant a bit. But it got me thinking! So thanks! :)
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