lacking that slave mojo

December 20, 2010

lacking that slave mojo

 i hope other slaves/subs will understand what i mean by 'slave mojo' - it's that part of me that needs to be trained and disciplined and guided and molded, that craves to serve and please and be of use, the part that can only feel good by coming out to play regularly (and by play i don't mean just scening, but every type of interaction where i can let my slave side be apparent).

Unfortunately, through no fault of our own we haven't been able to let my slave side out very much recently, and i don't really see how this situation will be able to improve in the near future. Because of the demands on our time of having 3 young children, one of whom has special needs, we're not able to get much M/s time together and all the training and play has come to an abrupt stop. i don't blame anyone for this and to some extent we foresaw it coming when we knew i was carrying twins, but William's difficulties have added to it as i'm not able to leave him in the care of anyone else so we never get any time to ourselves at all - even when he's sleeping he needs to be watched incase he has a seizure, and both boys are exclusively breastfed which ties me to them every few hours. i don't resent either of them for the time and attention they need and i certainly don't regret having them as i wouldn't change my family for the world, but it has led to my slave mojo (or i guess my slave contentedness) dwindling.

It's hard for me to even imagine going through anymore training as a slave, because the amount of time, concentration and energy that requires just isn't in me to give right now. But at the same time i desperately want that type of task again, where the focus is solely on bettering myself as His slave and i can get deep satisfaction from knowing that i am progressing and improving and pleasing Him. i think those feelings are lacking in my life in general at the moment because it feels like i'm not making progress as a mother, or even doing a particularly good job of it - it just feels like we are stumbling from one thing to another with William and we barely have time to wrap our heads around one diagnosis and treatment plan before the next comes along. i certainly don't feel like i know what to do for the best for him, so instead we are operating partially on doctors' advice and partially on our own instincts to make decisions about his therapy and medications. And with no real idea of his prognosis or even if we are making any positive difference at all for him, it brings my slave side down even more, because i am used to being useful and making a difference to Sir's life, and all those other positive things. And as well as that i *need* to be useful and make a difference in people's lives, and it's unclear how much i am able to do that with William. Maybe some of the decisions we have made could even be detrimental to him because of the side-effects, or perhaps we are holding him back by not allowing a different treatment option to go ahead, and the thought of that keeps me awake some nights because he is so little and vulnerable and completely dependent on us to make all these big decisions which ultimately could influence the outcome of his life.

i know that my slave side would suffer even more if i didn't have frequent access to other Doms and subs on the chatrooms - the chance to slip into my slave side and chat and interact with others who understand that part of me is the only thing keeping me going sometimes, because i feel that otherwise an important part of me is being completely neglected. Again not through anyone's fault and certainly not Sir's as He has devised my rules and routines to enhance the slave side of me as much as possible, but it's just not enough. i'm even finding that my attitude towards the chatroom is changing, and i no longer have the desire to scene or even flirt with others on there much - i just need to soak in the company of other kinksters and feel acknowledged and accepted as one of them without having to hide that side of me away. That's another indication of how low my slave esteem/mojo is right now.

Sorry for the slightly depressing post, not really looking for sympathy, just wanting to express my feelings right now.