a submissive's musings: February 2010

formspring.me #6

i love your blogs, read them all the time! my question is, what kind of lotion/cream does Sir use for aftercare? my Sir and I are trying to find a good one for my post-spanking care. :) Hugs

For use immediately after a session (such as a spanking or a flogging) Sir uses an aloe vera cream - the one we have at the moment comes from the Body shop and it feels lovely and cool and soothing and doesn't sting at all.

Every time i shower i have to apply a Vitamin E cream to any marks or bruises on my body - the one that Sir always gets for me is called 'Bio Health' in a black pot (not sure where it comes from) - to be honest i'm not sure whether it does help to speed up the healing because i've never seen what happens when i don't use it, but it feels and smells good.

After i shower i also have to apply a moisturising lotion to my underarms and pussy, then a powder (this is to stop razor bumps) - Sir likes me to use Johnsons unfragranced baby lotion and Johnsons baby powder in these areas because it is nice and mild.

Oh and for massage we buy in special oils but Sir always keeps Johnsons massage oil with aloe vera and vitamin E handy for when i have marks or sore spots as this oil can help soothe them as He massages.

Hope that helps!

BTW i have quite a few questions left to answer, so if you haven't seen yours here yet please don't worry, i will get to it!)

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formspring.me #5

How do you push through the irritability and lack of motivation when you're not in the right headspace for play?Or the feelings you have when that happens, if it's not the same for everybody.

This is slightly similar to an earlier formspring question on play while depressed, but for me the two are very different so i've decided to answer this question too.

Sometimes, just like everyone else, i feel irritable, down, moody, fed up, tired, etc. and i just don't want to have a long intense play session with Sir. Sometimes Sir listens to my feelings and decides it would be best not to go ahead with the session, but most times He decides to go ahead and do it anyway. Which i find really annoying at the time, but there's not much i can do about it as i'm the slave and He's the Master, right? i don't know whether Sir ever changes His play plans due to my moods, but i do know that 9 times out of 10 i come out of the play session feeling a lot better than i went into it feeling, but maybe that's just a general result of play for me, no matter what kind. Actually submitting to the play with good grace is a different matter though, because all the while my head is going "can't He see that i'm not in the mood for this? why the heck do i have to be tied like that? what's He doing now? oh for goodness sake can't He get on with it?", but so long as i don't actually say those things out loud and so long as i try to keep a reasonably ok face on me Sir will just push ahead with what He's doing.

So basically i don't really get rid of the irritation and lack of motivation in order to play with Sir, but i find after the session i'm in a much better frame of mind. Not sure if that helps or not, feel free to ask another question if you need to!

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Final thoughts on 'no matter what'

Yeah i thought i was done with this topic too, but then Bunny wrote a very interesting piece on the subject in which she mentioned me and Sir and asked a further question to those i had already talked about. So i've been pondering what i would do in the situation she brought up, and here's my answer:

First for the situation! What would i do if Sir had a complete personality change and was no longer Dominant? Would i stick to the 'no matter what' clause then? my initial thought was to say 'yes of course i would!' because some of the scenarios i had already envisioned entail Sir no longer willing/able to be my Master in the way He is now. If i still loved Sir and He still loved me we would want to be together even if the D/s side no longer existed. But then i thought about it some more and realised that the Dominance is part of Sir, part of His make-up, His personality, who He is, so that if it was a case of that leaving Him rather than Him still having that characteristic but not being able to express it in the ways He does now (due to illness or whatever) then i think He would then become a different person. It's difficult for me to know whether i would love Sir and be drawn to Him if He wasn't Dominant because i think it's such a fundamental part of what makes Him Him. i know that probably makes me sound awfully shallow, but it's the truth. Of course i would try to stay with Him, to make it work, to carry out the 'no matter what' clause, but what if He no longer loved/wanted me? If His Dominant side left entirely surely He wouldn't be attracted to a submissive anymore?

It's a tricky situation to imagine, but i guess the best answer i can give is that i would try my hardest to stand by Sir no matter what, and i hope that He would do the same in return. But there are no guarantees in life and i think there probably would be some situations which we just couldn't resolve, no matter how hard we tried :( Hopefully it never comes down to that.

formspring.me #4

You mention the Wartenberg Wheel being used on the soles of your feet. Did it tickle? Are you ticklish?

i am very ticklish and it's something i really really hate when it's happening to me but as soon as it stops i want it done again. It's difficult to explain but i secretly love tickling, the idea of it, the thought of it, it makes me wiggly and wet to imagine it, but then i find that i can't stand it when it's actually happening! So yes to the 'are you ticklish?' question.

The Wartenberg wheel is a different feel to tickling though. It still makes me squirm and squeal, especially when it's used on sensitive areas like the feet, but it doesn't really tickle. It's almost on a level beyond tickling if that makes sense, it's more intense than that, i think due to the sharp prickliness of it. But it is in the same category as tickling in that i hate it and love it at the same time.
Hope that answers your questions :)

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formspring.me #3

How did/do you cope with being submissive when you are depressed?- nixie

i have only had proper depression once in my life, when i was diagnosed with post-natal depression a few months after the birth of Poppy. But to be honest it didn't really affect my submission that much - i still had the desire to be Sir's slave and to submit to Him and to serve Him, and all of my rules and restrictions gave me a comfortingly familiar framework for my life at that time. Also i found it lifted my self-esteem and confidence to be serving Sir and pleasing Him and making His life easier as this was something i could still do well, so i think if i hadn't had my submission i would have found it more difficult to get through the pnd and may possibly have sunk deeper into it than i did.

Sorry, i don't think that's been very helpful to you but someone else has asked a similar question about how i cope when i don't feel in the right headspace to submit to Sir, so maybe when i answer that later this week it might help more. And other readers are welcome to chip in with their thoughts and experiences on this subject!

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formspring.me #2

I don't know much about you and Sir, I just started reading your blog, but if you and Sir had an age difference of more than 15 years but no more than 25 years do you think things would be different?Hopefully you and Sir both answer. :)

OK, my answer first:
there is an age gap of 13 and a bit years between me and Sir - he just turned 44 and i'll be 31 in August, which i'm aware may seem like a lot to some people, but i have always tended to go for older men anyway even in my vanilla relationships, so my friends and family are used to that by now. i don't think age really matters in a relationship, but having said that i wouldn't feel comfortable with an extreme age gap like going out with a 75 year old or something! If Sir was 25 years older than me that would make Him 56 which seems quite old but still younger than my parents. i think in the end it's down to the people involved, but obviously there will be those who disapprove and try to talk them out of it. But if you've found your 'one' it would be a shame to let something like age stand in the way.

So on the whole, i think no it wouldn't be different with a bigger age gap.

Sir's answer: I have never really taken age into consideration when choosing a submissive or slave; I have owned a slave who was significantly older than Me, a couple of submissives who were about the same age as Myself, and another like libby who was significantly younger. Having said that, I think when the age gap gets wider it does need to be thought about more carefully. For instance, were libby 25 years younger than Me she would only be 18 years old now and would have been 14 when we met which would make me a bit of a predator! I'm not entirely sure I would feel comfortable with so large a gap, but this could of course change should I be older than I currently am, as age gaps tend to seem less the older a person gets.

With a significant age gap (and I do count 13 years as significant as well), certain factors need to be taken into consideration : what will happen as one partner ages well ahead of the other? What if their health deteriorates while the other partner is still in their prime of life? How will that affect the sexual relationship? the D/s relationship? the scening/play element? the hobbies and leisure activities engaged in? the children (if there are any)? What will happen when one partner dies well before the other? or develops dementia or other afflictions associated with old age and needs to be cared for?

All of these are questions which should be thought about before embarking on a relationship with a significant age gap, but none of them are in themselves a reason not to become involved in that relationship. There are many factors worse than a large age gap that people can and do cope with and have very successful and mutually enjoyable relationships, both D/s and vanilla. Ultimately it depends on whether the benefits are likely to outweigh the downfalls, which is something that needs to be weighed up for each and every potential relationship.

Thanks for your question, and good luck!

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V Day

Soooooo i promised a few more details about Valentine's Day/Sir's birthday, right? Well here they are, coming right up. (Oh btw, thanks to everyone who has asked me a question on my new widget in the sidebar, i'm going to answer them all, i just didn't want to flood my blog with loads of answers at once. And please keep the questions coming!)

So yesterday.... after my usual ginger biscuits and tea (to stave off the morning sickness first thing) i cooked Sir poached eggs on toast for breakfast, done just how He likes it, using the heart shape to make the eggs turn out as hearts (and i did some for me too), and we ate in bed with Poppy joining us when she woke up. Then we got kind of dressed and waited for my sister to collect Poppy (she looks after her every Sunday morning) and then me and Sir went back to bed :)

First we swapped presents - Sir got me lots of lovely chocolates and a big bunch of beautiful red roses for Valentines, i got Him some heart-shaped hand warmers for when He has to go out and dig the snow and stuffs (for Valentines) and a new leather briefcase with a place inside for His baby laptop and all His work stuff, engraved with His initials (for His birthday). (Oh, and Poppy got her daddy a 'best dad' mug with a photo of the two of them on it). Then we massaged each other and teased each other and fucked each other till we were both too exhausted to do any more, so we took a bath together in the big corner tub and got ready to go out for Sir's birthday lunch in a posh restaurant (where i ate too much but blamed it on the tadpoles, and where Poppy kept everyone entertained by being so cute).

And when we got back home there was a very posh invitation waiting for us to invite us to Sir David's birthday party in a couple of weeks' time (well actually it was addressed to Sir, but said 'bring your slave' on it), which Sir phoned up for more details and is very excited about, which makes me a little nervous. But i'm sure it will be fun.

Happy Valentines to everyone :)

formspring.me #1

libby you are wonderful, i love your blogs, i hope the twins are not too much of a handful when they are born. have you had your calories today?

hiiii :) i am on the Sir diet as i call it (actually adapted from the Brewer diet), which is carefully planned out to give me 3100 calories per day! Sounds like a lot and when i first started it i felt like i would explode from the amount of food, but what i've found now is that i have to constantly graze throughout the day otherwise i get really hungry and then that makes the morning sickness worse. So yesterday (the day you were asking about) i had all of my alloted calories by eating 3 main meals plus lots of small snacks in between. Oh actually i probably had more than my 3100 calories because i got some chocolates for Valentines Day and Sir said i am allowed to eat them whenever i want to rather than the usual rule of having to wait for Him to say i can have one (or the new diet rule of having to wait till they turn up in one of the red boxes).

Thanks for the question, more formspring answers to come :)

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just a quickie

Just to wish everyone a Happy Valentines Day, and my Sir a Happy belated Birthday (from Thursday but we celebrated it today)!! A proper post coming up about what me and Sir got up to this morning while Poppy was at my sister's and giving details of the presents we bought for each other. But for now i just wanted to tell everyone that we had a great day and Poppy joined in the celebrations too by giving her daddy a card made by her (with some help from her mummy) and a present, and coming with us to a restaurant for Sunday lunch, which we all very much enjoyed :)

Oh, and you may have noticed the new widget in the sidebar called 'ask me anything' - basically it's for you to ask me questions, anything you like, and i will do my best to answer; you don't need to have signed up to the site to use it and you can leave a nickname if you want. (Oh, and Sir says you can ask Him questions there too if you want to). So go ahead, ask me that burning question you've always wondered about - either about me or about slavery in general, thanksssssss!

And hugs and kisses to everyone who wants them, seeing as it's the day of love :)

(((( )))) xxxxxxxxx

Reminder of my place

This morning Poppy was at my sister's house as usual, and the training sessions with Ma'am have finished, so i was hoping for a nice relaxing gentle 'making love' session with Sir. But it turns out that Sir had other plans......

He sat me down and told me that i needed a 'reminder of my place', because for the past few days apparently i have been too caught up in the fact that i am not only preggie again but expecting twins, and due to this i have been neglecting some of my duties as a slave, as a wife and as a mummy. So before it gets too out of line, Sir said that i needed a reminder session to kickstart my slave mindset back into action. i was a bit stunned when He told me this to be honest, and at first i was all pouty thinking 'poor me, what have i done wrong?', but when i thought about what i've actually done for the past few days i realised that a lot of it has been spent in 'me time', looking after myself and researching things about the pregnancy or writing lists of baby names, or drooling over all the cute baby stuff in the shops, and i haven't spent as much time looking after Poppy and certainly not as much time serving Sir as i should have done. Sir said that while He is happy to take care of me while i am pregnant, He thinks my attitude has started to drift off course a little and so it needs to be corrected now before it gets too far.
So off we went to the barn where i had an 'attitude adjustment' session. It's all a bit hazy to be honest, but i have a few really clear snapshots in my mind of some of the things which happened, so i'll write about them: ~ snapshot 1: i am sitting on the wooden pony (which was very ouchie for my over-sensitive pussy at the moment), having to keep my legs bent and my feet up behind me and my hands on my head, there are lines of pegs running round the bottom of each of my titties (which again was very painful because they are super-sensitive too right now), and Sir is using the wartenberg wheel on the soles of my feet, and then suddenly He pulls the zippers off my tits and tells me to cum, and i cum hard on the wooden pony which is very uncomfortable to do and my juices go all over it. ~ snapshot 2: i am kneeling on the ground with a spider gag in, and Sir is using my mouth to pleasure His cock which is making me drool everywhere and also choke everytime He thrusts against the back of my mouth, and He is also flogging my bottom at the same time which is making me jerk around and try to squeal because He is doing it hard and my bottom is on fire. ~ snapshot 3: i am laying on my back on the examination table with my legs in the stirrups and firmly held apart, and my head and arms also secured, Sir has just been using the stingy flogger on my pussy and the insides of my thighs (which made me scream because it hurt so much), and then He put the vampire gloves on and stroked over the parts He just flogged, and then suddenly He is lubing up my bottom and pushing His cock into my asshole and fucking me there (quite hard), while He runs the vampire gloves over my titties, and when He takes my nipples between His thumbs and fingers He tells me to cum for Him, and i do really hard and He cums too deep in my bottom. ~ snapshot 4: we are back inside the house in Sir's bathroom, and i am draped over His lap while He cleans my pussy and bottom with a cloth and then puts some kind of lotion or cream on the sore parts of my bottom and pussy lips, then He turns me over and does the same to my titties. i haven't been used that hard in a while and it was a bit of a shock to me now that i am pregnant, but everything that Sir did i know was safe, and the deal is that He gets to use me how He likes because i am His slave, pregnant or not. i think this morning was really good for me because my mindset seems to be back to where it needs to be - yes i am preggie with twins, but i still need to be and act and feel like His slave for the next 7 months, and carry on being a good mummy to Poppy and a good educator to the kids at work. So i am glad for today's session, even though i have a sore bottom and pussy and quite tender titties and nipples now! And i'm also starving hungry and soooo looking forward to lunch in a few minutes :) (** i just asked Sir if what happened this morning was an official discipline session and He said if i hadn't been pregnant it would have been much more harsh and i wouldn't have been allowed to cum or gain pleasure from it, but yes i should think of it as discipline and He gave me a lesson to add to 'libby's lesson folder' with a photo of my pink bottom.)

I'm going to explode......

Just like last time, but even more so, Sir is taking my pregnancy super-seriously. He has done lots of research into twin pregnancies and asked the consultant lots of questions and He has found out that the 'Brewer' diet is the ideal diet for most pregnancies and especially for multiple pregnancies where not getting enough proteins and calories can cause the babies to have low birth weights and premature delivery. So Sir has put me on the Brewer diet, starting from yesterday, with no phasing in gradually, just wham bang here we go! Which i have been finding hard at first because it seems like there is so much food, especially first thing in the morning when i don't feel great anyway and i open the fridge to see all these boxes sitting there waiting to be emptied into my tummy by the end of the day. Being the super-organised Dom that He is, Sir prepares all my food the night before and puts it into boxes with red lids if it's something that has to be eaten by the end of the day, or boxes with blue lids if it's something that i can have as an added extra. Then He also prepares my breakfast, lunch and dinner for me :) i really shouldn't grumble because He is taking care of me so well, but sometimes it seems like i will explode before i get anywhere near to giving birth to these two little tadpoles (i call them that because that's what they look like at the moment, though they seem to be more like hamsters now on my preggie ticker widget, or mini T-rexes with puny arms!).

Basically i have to consume around 3100 calories per day, and have the following:

5 portions of whole grain

8 portions of milk

12 portions of protein

5 portions of fats and oils

2 portions of eggs

1 portion of potato

2 portions of dark green veg

3 portions of vitamin C

1 portion of vitamin A

4+ portions of other snacks (fruits, veg, etc)

8+ drinks

which breaks down into 3 meals and 6 snacks everyday. Here is a typical daily menu, devised by Sir (though i am free to swap the snacks around and have them whenever i want):

6:00am - ginger biscuits and a cup of tea

7:30am - 2 slices of toast with marg and jam, glass of orange juice

9:00am - dried apple slices and a glass of milk (with added powdered milk mixed in)

10:30am - cheese cubes and a fruit smoothie

12:00pm - boiled eggs dipped in mayo, rice salad with avocado and peppers mixed in oil, slice of cake, glass of water

3:00pm - cottage cheese with carrot and celery sticks to dip, glass of squash

4:30pm - 2 shredded wheats with milk, chocolate bar, glass of water

6:00pm - grilled chicken breast with buttered potatoes and broccoli, baked apple and custard, glass of milk (with added powdered milk mixed in)

9:00pm - crackers and grapes, glass of water

2:00am - nuts and seeds

The hardest part is making myself eat in the mornings when i feel really naseous, but i've found that nibbling and grazing on food regularly at that time actually helps me to not be sick, and by 11 o'clock ish the sick feeling goes and i get hungry at regular intervals after that. The snacking when i wake in the night is a new idea, because Sir's research said that it can help with morning sickness if you eat little bits in the night, so it's something we're trying. i always wake up to go to the loo a couple of times anyway, so having a little snack then doesn't hurt. i guess we'll see how it goes, and i want to talk about it some more with my doctor or the consultant or maybe even the midwife, depending on who knows more about preggie nutritional needs. But for now i'll trust in Sir and go with it (unless i really do explode!)

excited scaredness

So i had a check-up appointment with the doctor on Monday and he told me everything looks fine except for my hcG levels from last time were higher than they should be and also my uterus/belly is measuring big for my dates. So he took some more blood and sent it off and on Weds he called me up and said the results show a way high hcG level and i was to go for a scan the next day. i was really nervous because some of the causes of high hcG levels are not good (like molar pregnancy - google it), but the doctor said it could be something as simple as a miscalculated due date so i was hoping for a good result.

What the scan showed is that we are expecting twins! i was really relieved and happy at first because i was so worried it was going to be bad news, then i suddenly got really scared and cried. But Sir was very very happy and excited, and today we went to see the hospital consultant who talked us through lots of the issues around having twins, what we can expect, some of the potential problems and how they can be avoided, and answered all of our questions. So now i'm feeling excited about it too, though still scared and nervous and worried about whether we will have complications, how the birth will go, all the stuff we need to do to get ready and whether i can be a good mummy to Poppy and 2 new babies. The doctor did say there's a small chance of 'vanishing twin syndrome' where one baby gets reabsorbed into the body and only 1 shows up on future scans but he doesn't think that's likely due to the high hcG levels i have.

We talked a lot about a lot of things, but basically twin pregnancies have a 50% chance of ending in a premature birth, and a 50% chance of having a caesarean birth. i am recommended to stop work by 28 weeks, and 37 weeks is considered full term for twins, but after 34 weeks they won't take drastic measures to stop labour and they won't need to give steroid injections for lung development if they arrive after that time either. So the consultant told us to aim for 34 weeks and then for every extra week after that that we can, because the longer they are inside me the better. He gave us lots of info on diets, and has put me on a fibre and iron supplement as well as increasing my folic acid supplement. i am to see either the consultant or the 'preterm labour prevention' midwife every fortnight, plus continue seeing my own doctor as and when he wants to check up on me, and i am to have scans every 4 weeks until 32 weeks, then every 2 weeks after that. He seems like a very nice and knowledgable and competent doctor, which has reassured me a lot, and he says the midwife team have a lot of experience with multiple births. Also the hospital run a special multiple pregnancy antenatal classes, which we want to go to later on, and he has recommended a couple of support groups which we may join.

Oh, and btw we've already decided on names for our twins:

Finn and Kaitlyn for a boy and a girl,

Finn and William for 2 boys,

Kaitlyn and Jasmine for 2 girls

More updates as things progress!