a submissive's musings: April 2010

formspring.me #31

This is for both you and Sir to answer. How did you both know that you had found "the one"? And do you think that there are some things you would have approached differently?

i'm afraid that Sir won't answer this question as He says most of it He covered in His previous response, but i am still allowed to answer so i'll give my view on it.

i think in vanilla relationships as well as BDSM ones, there can sometimes be the feeling of finding your 'One', because you meet someone who is just so perfect for you, who brings out all your good qualities and compliments your personality so well, who seems to understand you and 'get' you when perhaps others don't, who you find yourself falling in love with so deeply, that it just makes you feel that this is the person you are destined to be with. Sir was that 'One' for me and He tells me i am that 'One' for Him too, so i feel very lucky that we were able to meet and discover each other. Some people never find their 'One' and that makes me very sad for them.

i think in the beginning i saw Sir as more of a Mentor or teacher, but that didn't last very long and the way i saw Him kind of kept evolving with every contact we had. i don't remember there being one defining moment when i realised that i loved Him and that He was my 'One', but i know it was after we started meeting up in real-life but before i accepted His collar. i truly do believe that should anything happen to cause our relationship to end, then i would never ever be able to find anyone else to replace Sir, i.e. there isn't another 'One' out there for me besides Him. i could probably be happy in a relationship with someone else, but it wouldn't approach the same level as i have with Sir and i wouldn't be as close to that person, because they wouldn't be my 'One'. i know some people don't believe in that concept, but i do and i have experience of it personally now!

As for the second part of the question, is there anything i would have approached differently... i'm assuming this means with regards to how Sir and i met and the beginning of our relationship. i think that researching online and then placing an ad for an online Mentor was the right thing for me to do at the time, because i had got to the point where i needed answers and advice from a actual person but i wasn't ready for a real-life D/s relationship or even play. Had i followed up a different response to Sir's it's probable that i would have been trained by that person for a while and then gone on to join the local munches, as i know i wouldn't have entered into a real-life relationship unless the person lived near me and none of the others did. i may well have ended up with Sir by that route too, as many of His Dom friends go to the local munch and so i might have ended up meeting or being introduced to Him through them. Lots of them say it is obvious to them how compatable me and Sir are, and they would have known He was looking for another sub at that time so they may have arranged for us to meet. Of course that's just conjecture, and it could have all turned out differently, but i think when the 'One' for you is living so close, often fate steps in to bring you together no matter what, so i do like to think that Sir and i would have ended up as we are now eventually, no matter which route i took!

Ask me anything

i am coming more and more to realise during these difficult weeks as we wait to find out more news on William, that in a M/s relationship the strength of the Master is often what holds both parties together when things get tough. i honestly don't think i would be able to carry on with looking after Poppy, going to work, doing the normal daily things in life, if it weren't for the support of my Sir. i know He is right behind me at all times anyway, but it becomes especially noticeable when i am going through a tough time, like now and during my post-natal depression, He just becomes like a rock which i can totally rely upon and He seems to know just what i need to make me feel a bit better and to get me through each day. Even though Sir is going through the same difficulties as i am right now, and it must be hard on Him too, He never thinks about Himself but works tirelessly to see that i am OK, and for that i am so grateful. i found this poem on another blog:
http://mydominanthusband.blogspot.com/2010/02/man-master-by-daddy-denial.html?zx=a2a62d9b5c101679
and wanted to repost it here as i think it says a lot about the kind of traits a good Master has, and which my Sir has in abundance.

A Man who displays sensitivity will be a Master who is sensitive to you;
A Man who displays humility will be a Master who shows you respect;
A Man who is not afraid to cry will be a Master who understands your tears;
A Man who is quiet will be a Master who hears your quietest whisper;
A Man who knows fear will be a Master who will not leave you to face yours alone;
A Man who will listen to a child will be a Master who will always work to understand your words;
A Man who can stand alone will be a Master who will not crush you under His weight;
A Man who controls Himself with ease will be a Master with the ability to control you in the same way;
A Man who does not have to prove His point will be a Master with many worthwhile points to share;
A Man who never makes demands will be a Master who treasures anything you give;
A Man who doesn't run after you will be a Master you will never need to run away from;
A Man who is calm will be a Master who can weather your storms;
A Man who has walked the path to peace will be a Master able to guide you along that path;
A Man who does not shout will be a Master who will never deafen you;
A Man who knows Himself will be a Master who will have time to know you;
A Man who never stops learning will be a Master who never stops growing;
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you is the only Man truly worthy of being called Master.

(P.S. sorry for some of the layout issues at the moment, i am waiting for them to be fixed. And please take the time to vote in my newest poll in the sidebar - thanks).

Today i was feeling pretty down and tearful on and off throughout the morning, mainly due to my worries about William, but i was looking forward to a lovely picnic lunch with Sir and Poppy and then spending the afternoon walking through the woods and sitting by the lakes enjoying the sunshine.

Except when we came out of the art class we realised it was raining and really not looking like good picnic weather, so we explained this to Poppy when we went to collect her from my sister's. Unfortunately this news did not go down too well, and Poppy got very pouty and kept repeating "Mama says picnic!", looking very indignant that i was going back on my word. i tried to explain to her that we couldn't go because of the rain, but she just asked "why rains?" and that was too difficult to explain to her, so it was looking like a no-win situation. Then i told her that if we sat in the rain maybe i would get poorly and that would make William and Finn poorly too, and she toddled over to me kissed my tummy and whispered very sweetly "hello Finn, hello Willum", and then just as i thought she was accepting the situation she yelled into my tummy "MAMA SAYS PICNIC!" and put her ear up to my belly apparently to hear their response. It was so funny i just stood there laughing, and then Sir suddenly said "I think William has an idea" and He listened at my tummy and then said "yep, William's told me where we can go" and we all got into the car ready to go.

It turned out that Sir had remembered a bird sanctuary that has big hides (wooden shed things to watch the birds from) and we spread our picnic rug out in one of these and ate our lunch in the dry, listening to the rain outside and watching the birds on the water through the viewing windows. Poppy was delighted at the combination of picnic and birdies, and when the rain stopped in time for us to finish our lunch and stroll round the rest of the reserve it made for a perfect afternoon and Poppy was galloping along with happiness. Later she came up to me and whispered into my belly "good boy Willum", presumably for 'thinking' of where to hold our picnic and it just made my day and lifted away all the grumpiness inside me. Whatever happens with William, he will have a great sister and parents who love him very much and we will do our very best for all of our children. And Poppy really is my little ray of sunshine :)

Does your Master ever have sex with you when you are on your period? How does this make you feel and any tips on reducing the mess it can cause? Someone else asked: "What do you and your Sir do when you have your period? Do you find other ways to play?"

Although this seems like such an innocent, easy question, for me it's not. This is something i haven't really written about before here on this blog, but i'm going to now so bear with me as i try to get it all out.

i'm not exactly squicky about my period, but it used to be that i didn't particularly want to have sex while i was on, partly because of the mess, partly because of the cramps, partly because i tend to feel sore and not at my most beautiful or desirable or horny at that time. And for the most part Sir respected those feelings and didn't use my pussy when i had my period - instead He would get me to pleasure Him with my mouth or hands, or we would have anal sex, or do something else.

Then one morning we were in bed and Sir started to instigate sex with me, so i reminded Him i was on my period, and His response was basically that He knew, and He knew i didn't particularly like sex at that time but He wanted it and He was going to take it. Now in a vanilla relationship that would have probably made the woman indignant and pissy, but i found it really hot that my Master was over-riding my wishes to meet His own, so i completely submitted to His will and the deed was done.

(This is where it starts to get a bit more detailed, so you might not want to read on...)
After, when He pulled out and told me to get a cloth to clean us up, i noticed quite a few clotty bits in the mess, but wasn't sure whether that was a result of what we had just done. (Btw, for the person who asked how to reduce the mess it can cause, Sir put down lots of towels to cover the area and then i just bunged them straight in the wash after). But when the clottiness continued for the rest of the day and i started to get bad cramps as well, Sir took me to the doctor and it turned out i was having a miscarriage.

We didn't even know i was pregnant at the time because i was on the pill and everything. There had been a few early signs, like me feeling down and tearful for no reason, my breasts getting tender and aching, but i hadn't realised what they all signalled. And then we found out we had lost our baby (at about 4-5 weeks) before we even knew he was there. It took me quite a while to get over this, and i was filled with guilt about what Sir and i had done whilst our baby was dying. i even considered whether what we had done had caused the miscarriage, but was told that it would have happened anyway and that likely he wasn't viable as a baby. i never really came to terms with my feelings about the whole thing before i fell pregnant again with Poppy, so after she was born i developed post-natal depression as a result and had to work through my issues with a counsellor.

i'm past all that now, but i still associate the act of sex during my period with Joshua dying, so it's now a hard limit for me. Which Sir totally understands, and He has said He will never push that limit in any way. So we have gone back to other types of play during my period, though of course at the moment it's not an issue anyway.

Hope that wasn't tmi for anyone, but the reason i wanted to post it is that i am currently worried about my 'tadpoles' - the twin boys i am pregnant with - as the last scan showed there might be something wrong with William's heart, but we have to wait till the next scan in 4 weeks' time to find out more. So Joshua and William are on my mind a lot at the moment, and i'm just hoping everything turns out fine this time. Sorry for such a sad post, but it's how things are right now, and it's actually done me some good to share it here.

Ask me anything

So this post is also a day late, given that St George's Day was actually yesterday - April 23rd. Oh well. At work i organised a little St George's Day party, and all of the children and staff in my room came in wearing something red, we made English flags to wave, watched a video on St George and the dragon, and had a picnic snack of traditional British foods. It was really good fun! i think in general, we don't celebrate our Britishness enough in this country, so in honour of good old St George i'm going to list here 10 things which are great about our country:

1. The weather - i know people complain a lot about the British weather, including me, but i think it's great to live in a country with such a wide variety of weather - from hot and sunny, through to cold and snowing, including rain, hail, sleet, wind, thunder and lightning and even the odd hurricane in between. Better than living in a country where the weather is pretty much constant throughout the year - i.e. always hot and sunny, or always cold and snowy - and also better than living in a country with extreme weather such as tornadoes, blizzards, monsoons and droughts.

2. The food - i lovvvvvve so much of our traditional British food and really miss it when i go away on holiday somewhere. You just can't get the same in another country, even if they try to replicate what we have here. Some of my favourite British foods are: roast dinners, toad in the hole, bread and butter pudding, trifle, quiche, shepherds pie, fish and chips, strawberries and cream, scones, crumpets.... mmmmmm i'm making myself hungry now. Even simple things like sandwich pickle they haven't heard of in other countries, so i really really appreciate having all the lovely food that is available here.

3. The music - though other countries produce some good pop-stars and bands as well, i think that Britain has some really good talent musically that just can't be found in the rest of the world - starting with The Beatles, The Bee Gees and Queen and moving onto more modern singers and groups such as Take That, Wham, Coldplay, Lily Allen, Robbie Williams, Oasis, and winners of Pop Idol or X Factor such as Leona Lewis, Will Young and Alexandra Burke, we have music that is unique to our country and some of the best in the world!

4. The royal family - some people think they are old-fashionned and out-dated, but i'm really proud that we have a royal family, and i love all the pomp and ceremony that goes with them, such as when the Queen wears all her gear or the trooping of the colour parade, the splendour of her palace and the way people have to bow to her and sing the National Anthem and all that.

5. The capital city - i loveeeeeee London, it's such a cool and interesting and busy and diverse place. i wouldn't want to live there because it's too noisy and dirty and smelly and unsafe, but it's a great place to visit. And especially i love all the famous landmarks such as Buckingham Palace, Big Ben, the Tower of London, Trafalgar Square, St Pauls, Westminster Abbey, the London Eye, etc.

6. The diversity of the landscape - considering we are such a small country, we have got such a diverse landscape, from mountains and hills to rivers and streams to woodland and meadows to fields and moors to beaches and cliffs to lakes and ponds, and there are so many fantastic places to visit. i could go on holiday to a different part of Britain every year and never get bored.

7. The sense of humour - i know some other countries think the British have no sense of humour, or a really dry boring sense of humour, but actually on the whole we have a really good sense of humour and we have some really funny comedians - Jimmy Carr, Alan Carr, Alistair McGowan, Jack Dee, French and Saunders, Rowan Atkinson and some great comedy shows like Fawlty Towers, Mr Bean etc.

8. The resilience - i think the 'stiff upper lip' of the British is famous, and is something to be proud of. When there's a problem we deal with it to the best of our ability and try not to let it affect us too much, and we tend to pull together really well in times of crisis. This was particularly noticeable in big tragedies such as the London tube bombings, the IRA bombs, the recession, and so on. And i'm really proud of us for that.

9. The SAS - yeah ok, so i have a bit of an obsession with them, but i do truly believe that the SAS are the original and the best elite fighting force in the world, and they are so sexy cos of that.

10. The NHS - lots of people would think i am mad for putting this on the list, and yeah parts of it can be rubbish and it could do with improving, but just the fact that everyone in this country is entitled to free healthcare, no matter what they need or what their condition is, i think is amazing and i would hate to be worried about medical bills.

Happy St Georges Day and yayyyyyy for England! :)

Ok, so i'm actually writing this on Saturday morning, because i was just so worn out yesterday that i couldn't think straight to do it. Problem? Not to me!

1. Where are my..... twins going to be in 20 years' time?
2. If wishes were horses..... i'd want to ride mine.
3. i'd like to see..... a proper 'pony slave' training farm, just out of curiousity.
4. When i was a teen i thought..... all problems could be worked out with enough effort and time.
5. One of my mother's favourite sayings was..... women are from Venus, men are from Mars.
6. i'd have a hard time doing without my..... laptop, because it keeps me in touch with all my online friends and fellow subs.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight i'm looking forward to..... sleeping long and hopefully peacefully to try to wake up feeling less exhausted, tomorrow my plans include..... going to the seaside with Sir and Poppy, and Sunday i want to..... buy some new fish to replace the one who died this week!

Recently Vesta wrote a blog post on how 'apples don't fall far from the tree', and how true this was with relation to her son who is showing Dominant tendencies now he is growing up: http://vestassubmission.blogspot.com/2010/04/apples-fall-close-to-trees.html?zx=4ad2073d2295b94

Which made me think again about the whole nature/nurture debate with relevance to BDSM and whether Poppy will turn out to be submissive and our twins boys to be Dominant just because that's the way their parents are. And after some ponderings i have come to the conclusion that i don't think they necessarily will, and even that i don't think they are any more likely to turn out these ways than the children of so-called vanilla parents will. Let me explain why....

Firstly, some of my reasons for coming to these conclusions are to do with what i think causes someone to be Dominant or submissive in the first place. i happen to think that these tendencies are present in quite a large proportion of the population (nature) but that something has to happen to trigger them off or cause them to be brought out into the open (nurture), otherwise they will likely go unrecognised for the whole of that person's life. i think that society conditions us to believe that men and women should act in certain ways, and that the vast majority of people are swept up in that and try their best to conform to those expectations, and so refuse to acknowledge any feelings that differ from these 'roles'. That's partly why i think so many subs have been victims of abuse in their past, as i think such an experience can possibly trigger off innate characteristics such as submission, but that's a whole other discussion.

i guess if children were brought up in an openly D/s environment, where they witnessed their parents taking on obvious roles of Dominance and submission in front of them, then that could well influence their views on how men and women should act in general and they may then take on those roles themselves as they grow into adulthood. But i expect that the vast majority of D/s interaction takes place out of sight/earshot of the children, as in mine and Sir's relationship, so they should not be influenced by this. Infact we are careful to promote positive role models of how men and women are equal and should share responsibilities and treat each other with respect, when Poppy is around, as we do not want her thinking that men are somehow better or above women in any way.

While i think genetics plays some part in Dominance and submission, such as twin brothers both turning out very Dominant in a chatroom i visit, i don't see how parent characteristics can have so much to do with that when they are in a D/s relationship themselves. Because half the genetic make-up comes from the mother and half from the father, so it could be that Poppy inherited Dominance from Sir, or submission from me, or a bit of both. i know that there are many of my characteristics which i can pinpoint came from my dad, and that is already turning out to be the case with Poppy. And of course, it will work the same with the twins once they are born, so we could end up with a Dominant daughter and submissive sons, which wouldn't exactly be a case of the apple falling close to the tree, but rather the exact opposite. Or maybe completely vanilla children would be the exact opposite?

However our children turn out we will love them and support them. And i'm not too worried whether they're into BDSM or not, to be honest. But i think it's a bit more complicated than simply 'apples fall close to the tree'.

Have you ever licked your Master's cum from the floor?

OK, this should be a nice short answer! No i have never licked my Master's cum from the floor, because He has never told me to. Actually i can't remember Sir's cum ever being on the floor because He tends to cum in me or on me, shooting it onto the floor seems pretty wasteful. But i am required to swallow His cum if He cums in my mouth and always to lick His cock clean after He cums, so i lick His cum up plenty just not from the floor. Though of course if He came on the floor and told me to lick it up, i would.

Ask me anything

What do you get from a play session with Sir? What does Sir get from a play session with you?

For the purposes of this answer i'm going to focus solely on 'play' sessions, i.e. not sex and not training. For us play sessions usually happen in our 'dungeon' (barn) and always involve BDSM activities and are probably the most obvious of all our M/s interactions.

So, what do i get from a play session with Sir? Firstly, i almost always get pleasure and enjoyment from it, even if it involves pain or humiliation or discomfort or things which i find difficult. There have been rare occasions where play sessions have 'gone wrong' and i have not enjoyed them, but those are very few and far between, and not anybody's fault. Sir wants for me to enjoy play sessions, though often there is a more serious purpose to them as well, such as extending my training, trying out new things, pushing my boundaries, developing me in some way, helping me practice skills, etc. Also, play sessions help to ground me as a slave, no matter how i was feeling going into it i always come out feeling much more content, peaceful, submissive, little and loved. It's a good feeling to be used by Sir in the way that He wants, especially if He is pleased with how i have performed during that session or i have made progress in some area, and that content feeling usually lasts the rest of the day. Occasionally Sir will do a play session solely to help my mood - for example if i have been feeling restless and antsy it can indicate that i need a flogging or spanking, so play sessions help regulate my moods to some extent. But perhaps the most important thing i get from play sessions with Sir is being of use, being His slave, submitting to His will, bringing Him pleasure, reaffirming our roles in the relationship. Which is why Sir schedules weekly time for play sessions, when Poppy is being looked after by my sister or mum, because of the important effects they have on me.

Now for what Sir gets out of a play session with me. Some of it has been mentioned above, but one of the main things is again enjoyment and pleasure. Because He is leading the session, He is in complete control of what happens and what we do, so He can tailor the session to meet His needs and desires at that time. Normally play sessions don't involve full penetrative sex, but that's at Sir's choosing and sometimes He will have me give Him a hand/foot/blow-job as part of it, so a play session can involve sexual satisfaction for Sir! But i know the main pleasure He gets from them is seeing me conform to His will and submit myself to Him entirely, and watching my reactions to all the devious things He has planned for me! Also, i think that play sessions form an important part of my training, and Sir uses them to mold me more into the type of slave He desires and to help me practice skills i am currently working on and keep in touch with skills i have previously learnt. And He uses play sessions to keep me satisfied and well-balanced as His slave, so that the 'mummy' side of me doesn't start to over-ride the 'slave' side of me, and play sessions are an important piece of time set aside solely for focusing on my 'slave' side, which ultimately benefits us all and keeps our household running smoothly and everyone getting what they need.

Hope that answered the question :)

Ask me anything

Do you ever break rules just to see if he will catch it? If not, has it ever crossed your mind?

In the beginning i did test out the rules a little bit, not by deliberately breaking a rule but perhaps by 'forgetting' to do something or by pushing the boundaries or by misinterpreting the spirit of a rule. But Sir is very clever and He not only caught me every time, but He also understood exactly what i was doing. He sat me down and talked to me a bit like you would to a child who's testing the boundaries, and it made me realise that the rules are there for a reason and i really don't want to break them. So now i try to stay well within the rules and boundaries, to keep myself out of trouble.

i think that most subs will test out the rules and boundaries a bit in a new relationship, more for their own reassurance that the Dom is able to reinforce them and vigilant enough to notice the breach. The worst thing ever would be for a Dom to set rules and then not really care or notice if they are being kept or not, it leaves the sub completely stranded and unsure of what she should be doing.

So the short answer is yes in the very beginning, yes He did catch it, and no it hasn't crossed my mind for a long time since.

Ask me anything

I was wondering if you had any tips for kneeling. I think I must be doing something wrong because my feet fall asleep after a few minutes.

To be honest i don't really do the proper kneeling thing for very long at a time - it's mainly just a quick kneel to greet Sir or present myself to Him, then i'm up again. So i've never really found out how long it would be before my feet fell asleep in that position.

When i talk about how much i love kneeling, i mean doing it comfortably with my feet curled up to the side of me, sometimes with a cushion or beanbag too. And i can shift position as needed in that type of kneel, so my feet never fall asleep.

Sorry i can't be more help. Maybe you can find the answer elsewhere online?

Ask me anything

**PS: i asked this question in the chatroom i visit and got a few tips! Apparently to stop the blood flow being cut off in the legs, which is what's making your feet go to sleep, you either need to turn your feet outwards or sit up a bit so you're not putting your full weight on them. Hope that helps!**

1. i'd like..... for next week to go a lot better than this one has!

2. One of my most favourite romantic memories is..... when Sir took me away to a castle hotel for Valentines' weekend as a complete surprise :)

3. Last night, i had..... chicken and leek pie (homemade by Sir)..... for dinner.

4. Sorry for the..... grumpiness this week (especially sorry to people in the chatroom i visit).

5. Can we..... start the weekend..... now?

6. One of my worst temptations is..... chocolate; sooooo..... hard to resist!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight i'm looking forward to..... making Sir a nice dinner for a change to give Him a rest, tomorrow my plans include..... taking Poppy to the 'tots in the park' event..... and Sunday i want to..... have fun getting to know Eloise some more!

Thanks to everyone who voted in my recent poll, i've closed it now but will be putting up another one about a different topic soon. Basically i wanted to find out how many people are involved in online M/s or D/s relationships, and what other types of online BDSM activities people engage in. i'm not really sure if i'm surprised by the results or not, but i wasn't expecting quite so many people to vote for the 'i am in.....' or 'i have been in.....' online relationship categories. It makes me wonder how many online BDSM relationships a person has to be in on average before they find their 'one', how many people ever find their 'one' online, and how long online BDSM relationships usually last for. Maybe i'll do a survey to find out....

Anyway here's the results of this poll:

~ 'I am a member of FetLife or other online kink community' = 25 votes
~ 'I have an online BDSM blog' = 21 votes
~ 'I am in an online M/s or D/s relationship' = 15 votes
~ 'I have had online M/s or D/s relationships in the past' = 12 votes
~ 'I do not participate in online BDSM activities' = 12 votes
~ 'I play/scene in online BDSM chatrooms' = 9 votes
~ 'Other' = 7 votes (mainly for being involved in or searching for real-life BDSM relationships or activities)

Please leave comments on these findings if you want to!

It's been one of those weeks. Not one where things go majorly wrong, Not even one where there's specific things that i can pinpoint to, to say why it's been so rubbish. And thankfully not one where we've had really bad news, or something bad has happened to any of us. But one of those weeks where lots of little things keep piling up on top of each other, where nothing seems to be right or go right or work right, where i've spent most of it feeling tired or stressed or pissy or down or flat. Yeah, one of *those* weeks.

It started off with Poppy getting sick and me staying up most of the night with her, looking after her. That was Sunday night. Then she was off nursery the next day, so all my plans for the day got cancelled and i had to stay in. Not that that was such a big chore, but it meant that i missed my aquanatal class so didn't feel as stretched out and relaxed as i normally do after that. Oh and though our phone line got fixed that day they had to charge us for it as the fault was inside the house. So the way i see it that's £130 that could have been spent on my babies that now won't be.

Then i went onto my blog to write a new post and saw that none of the pictures were showing. After a lot of investigation it turns out that somehow all my photos since Feb 2009 got wiped and replaced with those ugly red crosses. Which made me really pissy and ranty. i mean what was the point in me getting a sparkly new blog which displays a photo for every post in the front page, if a week later all the photos are going to disappear? And all that work i put into finding exactly the right photo for each post, all down the drain. Even some of my photo slideshows which take ages to do were also gone. To be honest when i first saw it i considered just deleting the whole blog and giving up, but Sir wouldn't allow that and also i want to carry on blogging because i find it really useful for me. But it's taken a lot of work so far to try to fix the mess, and it's still not there yet. i've decided to upload photos to the most recent posts only and just go through and delete the photos in the rest, but it's taking a while so sorry for the messed up look in the meantime.

Yesterday i felt really flat and tired all day, not in the mood to do anything really and not even enjoying things like i usually would. Today i'm pretty much the same, but figured i'd just concentrate on work to take my mind off things. Until someone from Poppy's room came through to tell me she's got diarrhea and they wanted me to take her home. So here i am with a baby with the squits, sat at home bored and moody. Poppy's fine, she's sleeping it off mainly, but it just makes me wonder what else is going to happen before this week is over.

During the week i went shopping for the twins, and got lots of stuff :) i lovvvvvvvve baby shopping, though sometimes it can be difficult to choose because there's so many options available. Luckily i'd had a good look through Poppy's old stuff before i went, so quite a lot of things i was able to dismiss because i knew we already had one at home. We've already ordered another Stokke cot to go with the one we currently have, because they expand from a small crib to a large cot to a bed with sides to a normal bed to a sofa/lounger, and we found it so useful with Poppy (though we have decided to reconvert her present bed to a crib and get her a new bed when we move her into the other bedroom).

One of the main things i was looking for was nursery bedding to go with the decor currently in there. i couldn't just go out and buy another set of the 'Meadow' range that we've already got because Mamas and Papas have discontinued it. But we really didn't want to have to redecorate in there either, so i needed something that would fit in with the colour scheme (yellow and green) and the theme (woodland creatures) and i found the perfect set - it's called 'Hodge Podge' and is also from Mamas and Papas - and is full of adorable hedgehogs and foxes and mice (you can see the rug i got in the photo above). i got a cot bumper, cot sheets, cot blankets, a knitted blanket, a soft toy fox, a chiming toy hedgehog, a hedgehog rug, a wall clock, curtains with tie backs, 2 sleeping bags, a cot tidy, a musical mobile and some pictures (well, they were having a 20% off sale!!). Looking round the rest of the shops i also bought some cute little romper suits and a large playgym suitable for twins.

Then on Sunday Sir and i went looking for double pushchairs with a view to buying/ordering one if we found just what we wanted. You see, i was adamant that we would get one of those travel systems with the carrycots, buggy seats and car seats which can be interchanged, plus i wanted it to fold down fairly small and be easy to unfold, have a reasonable sized basket underneath, and i didn't want one baby to be crammed in behind the other and not able to see anything. Most of the buggies i have looked at so far don't have all these features - most of them cram one baby behind the other, and none of the ones i've seen so far have the option of attaching 2 car seats to them. But we got lucky and found the perfect travel system for us: http://www.easywalker.nl/eng/duowalker.html, so we ordered one in black. i'm so pleased that we've got that job done and won't be caught unawares when the twins arrive! Sir is also looking into the possibility of changing His company car for a bigger one so we'll have more room for our family, especially as we'll need to be able to get 3 car seats in the car and take 2 of them out easily with the twins in them!

In other news, Poppy is home sick today :/ She was up most of the night feeling unwell with a bit of a fever and vomiting. The being sick seems to have stopped now, but she has been mainly napping all day, though there was a sweet moment earlier this morning when the engineer was in fixing our phone line and she wandered through to tell him off!

"Noisy man!"
"Sorry sweetheart"
"What you doing?"
"I'm fixing the phone"
"Is broke?"
"Yes honey, but I'm getting it all sorted for your mummy"
"What's that?"
"This is a type of glue..... you know what glue does?"
"It glues"
"Ummm yeah..... I guess I kind of asked for that!"
".....Mama has babies...... in there" (patting my stomach)
"Yes I see that! You looking forward to having a brother or sister?"
"Finn and Willum"
"There's two babies in there?"
"Yes two..... I one" (not sure if she meant her age or how many she is!) "....Mama, I has juice please?"

.... and she's bored of the phone man by then and toddles back to the sofa with her drink. Afterwards the engineer asked me how old she was, and he was impressed by her language skills when i told him she's not even 2 yet. But we did laugh about her "it glues" answer, kids are so literal sometimes and i just love them for that :) i'm so proud of my little poppet every single day, and she just amazes me with how bright she is even when she's sick! And i can't wait to meet our 2 new little boys and get to know them, and find out all their unique personality traits and likes and talents, and what makes them special little people as well :) Going to finish there before i get too mushy on you all ;)

my boyfriend and I are very new to s/M and as His submissive, I'm trying to get him to come out of his shell. He's always afraid of his dominant side, but when we scene, He enjoys it very much. Does your Sir have any advice He could offer?

Firstly i'm sorry it's taken so long to answer your question. i kept asking Sir to have a look at it, but He's been really busy recently, and then yesterday when He did have time to read it He said He's not comfortable replying because every Dom is different and He doesn't know enough about the situation to give a useful answer. So i'm just going to give my generalised take on it instead, and hope that might be of some help to you.

Basically, i think that what some people don't realise is it's just as difficult to be a new Dom as it is to be a new sub, and in many ways it's harder. Once you get into a relationship the sub has the support of the Dom's guidance, training, etc to show her the right path, but the Dom has to forge His own path and that can be tricky to do. Also i expect that new Doms have just as many 'omg, is it normal to have these cravings and desires?' thoughts as new subs do, but they are less likely to voice them in the relationship as the sub is, and therefore they do not get the reassurance that yes it is fine to have these desires and to engage in this lifestyle. And there is also a lot more onus on a new Dom to get things right first time than there is with a new sub. A sub can make mistakes, forget things, need more practice, etc, and that's seen as fine and part of the natural training and molding process. But if a Dom makes a mistake during a scene or realises He needs more practice in something, it could mean that the sub ends up hurt physically or mentally because of it. So He has to be a lot more cautious in order to avoid those kinds of situations.

i think what would really help a new Dom, especially in a relationship where the sub is new too, is for there to be clear guidelines drawn up by both of them about how they want the dynamic to work, and lots of discussions about what is and isn't working at each step along the path. Also there are some good books and websites out there giving practical advice to Doms, and it might be good to join a chatroom or local kink group to get advice from more experienced Doms. And to know that neither of you are alone in your desires, there's lots and lots of us out here!

Ask me anything

At this point of my life, BDSM is cyber-only. Does Sir have vanilla sex with you? Often? Or is there always a BDSM element to it?

That's a tricky question to answer, because it depends on your definition of 'vanilla sex'. If you mean sex without being tied up or spanked or having my nipples clamped or similar things, then yes we have 'vanilla sex' quite regularly. However, i personally wouldn't class those types of sex as 'vanilla' because even though they may appear to be very ordinary, there is always the element of power-exchange there. So for example it is Sir who instigates them, Sir who decides where they will take place, what position i will be in, which hole He is going to use, whether there is foreplay for either/both of us, what type, how long for, whether i get to cum and when, and so on. Because we are in a M/s relationship we're always 'on', there is never a moment in our lives or an aspect of it that we don't interact as Master and slave. So really nothing we do is 'vanilla', even though much of it may appear indistinguishable from stuff that every married couple does!

Hope that answered your question, please keep them coming.

Ask me anything

So... (i often seem to start a blog post with 'so', have you noticed?) i left a comment on this post of dissy's supporting her defense of online submission as 'real':

http://www.dissonanceinwriting.com/2010/04/09/is-online-real/comment-page-1/#comment-533
and she asked me to write a post about the differences between online and real-life submission from my own experiences. And here it is! i'm not even going to write the usual reminder about how these are only my views and other people's may vary, blah blah blah, because you all know that by now. But i will just say that some people still tend to think of online submission as being 'pretend', 'fake', 'pseudo', etc. and don't class it as 'real' BDSM and claim that it's not possible to have a 'real' relationship online. i'm not going to get into relationships today, because that's a whole different story, but i will defend the 'realness' of online BDSM interactions and compare them to real-life ones.

First a bit of history. When Sir and i first 'met' our interactions were online only for a while, at my request, and at that point i thought that i'd never want to move beyond that. Quickly i realised that there would be so much more to gain from other types of interaction and i allowed Sir to have my phone number and i bought a webcam so we could hear and see each other, but there was a couple of months where our only form of contact was text-chat and emails. Then later on in our relationship Sir sent me to some BDSM chatrooms as part of my training and i have been going to them ever since, for chatting and 'scening'. For those who don't know, 'scening' involves two people pretending to take part in sexual or BDSM activities together and typing as if they are (for example: *Dom takes each of her arms and secures them tightly to the St Andrews cross with ropes, running his finger down her body once she is in place*, *sub pulls against the ropes, wriggling her hips side to side as his finger teases her* etc, etc). Obviously there is no real physical contact between the two, and no actual pain is inflicted, but that's not the point of the scene. On the surface it may appear as if the participants are just typing words on a screen, writing a story together if you like, and there seems to be no purpose behind it or no depth to it, but i'm here to refute that appearance.

You see, only part of the reason i still go to the chatroom is to catch up with my friends there (both Dom/mes and subs), find out what they have been up to and fill them in with what's going on with me, just like in a normal online chat situation. The main reason Sir stills allows me to go there is because it acts as a support base for me, and i am able to discuss my problems and worries with other subs, which i can't do so much in real-life; also because flame is there and He wants me to be able to develop and maintain my relationship with her as He knows it is important to me. And then the scening is almost like an added extra, it is a fun and enjoyable activity which helps me to deepen my relationship with some of the Dom/mes and subs there, but Sir and i both realise that it also helps me as His slave to learn more about my submission and how i react to different types of Dominance and control, and sometimes it helps in areas of my training too (Sir will often tell me to try out an activity online first to get some idea of how i will react to it in real-life). And there lies the key, i believe. Because Dominance and submission are mental acts and states of being, i don't need someone physically there saying those things to me or doing those things to me in order to feel and act submissively towards them. And because submission is so linked in with internal states and characteristics, i pretty much react the same way to an online scene as i would to the same scene in real-life, so all my limits are the same online. Though obviously there is more intensity to having something physically done to you than just imagining it, and the body doesn't get the same adrenalin rush from pain and pleasure mixed together for example as when a Dom is scening with you for real. But even so the emotions can definitely be brought on from an online scene as they can from a real-life one, and many times my submission in that moment to that person is very real. (That doesn't mean that there haven't been times where i've started a scene with a new Dom and then realised partway through that the vital connection just isn't there. In that situation i do end up just typing words onto a screen, going through the motions, and i am not 'feeling it', but i do it to please the Dom which is a form of submitting in itself, especially as i get nothing from it personally.)

i think sometimes an online scene can even be more intense than the same scene would be in reality, because for certain types of scene the physical sensations can crowd the brain and take away your focus, whereas when you're scening online you can concentrate on the mental and emotional feelings without those distractions. Also i don't get the 'floaty' feeling (subspace) from online scening, so i can be present for the whole of a scene, which is interesting to compare to the same type of play in real-life when i may only remember parts of it because of drifting off halfway through. i find also that scening online has helped with parts of my training because it gets past my shyness factor, for example when scening with Dommes which i was very very nervous about doing in real-life. There isn't so much of that 'oh god, how do i look?' factor to inhibit me when i am scening online, so i have been able to explore new areas for me easier than had i only had real-life experiences to rely on. So there are benefits to online BDSM interactions!

Having said that, i much prefer real-life ones, mainly because of the deep relationship i have with Sir which goes beyond the M/s one and means that i trust Him absolutely and fully and so can totally let myself go during play sessions with Him. i'm only able to do that with a few Dom/mes online who i know very very well and have a special connection with, but even then the love part of the relationship is always lacking. And i do find that my body craves actual physical use and pain after a certain amount of time, which no amount of online scening would ever be able to satisfy. So those people who only have online, i do wonder about how they manage to satisfy those needs. Having experienced both online and real-life, i would say that for me being physically with my Master has enabled us to take our relationship to a deeper level, but it may just be that i am more suited to a real-life dynamic and others may have just as deep a relationship through online means only. i certainly don't view online BDSM relationships as 'lesser' or not as deep/complete/meaningful as real-life ones, and i totally admire those people who manage to stay together despite the distance between them. But having tasted a real-life M/s dynamic i don't think that i personally could ever go back to just an online one ever again. (And i said that i wasn't going to mention relationships as such.... oh well!)

Hopefully that has explained a bit more about the differences between online and real-life BDSM interactions for me. Oh, one last thing to add: because of the mental/ emotional/ internal/ personality aspects being so prominent in online interactions when the physical aspect is completely missing, it is much easier for me to tell who is a genuine Dom/sub and who is faking it for some reason! And there are far fewer genuine people than you would expect, but that's for another post sometime!

libby - I checked out your Learning Folder, and you have punishments listed from '06 and '07, but nothing current. Has that rule changed, or are you just that good? ;)

Noooo dissy, that rule is still there, but i just haven't been punished for agessssss :) Which i could claim is due to me being such a good girl, but i think it's mainly because i have internalised the rules now so that i don't even have to think about them anymore but i just kind of automatically stick to them. Which means that i very rarely break them, and if i do it's only a minor infraction. Sir saves punishments for major infractions only, because in our relationship punishments are not seen as fun sessions (as in 'oh dearrrrr i think i'm going to get punished, oooooh!'), they really are horrible and i absolutely hate them. But that doesn't mean to say that i have been perfect for 2 1/2 years, far from it! i get moody, don't serve Sir as well as i should do, forget tasks, fall behind, struggle with training, need to be reminded of things, etc., but i have now reached the point where i can respond to Sir's warnings and catch myself before it gets to the punishment stage. Sometimes it gets to the discipline stage, which is one step down, and that's bad enough and makes me feel really crap that i've let Sir down. But i think even those moments are getting less and less as i sink deeper into my slavery :) Yayyyyy me!

Ask me anything

So a little while back i met a new sub who i got on well with, at Sir David's BDSM-style dinner/birthday party. And she seemed to like me too, so our Doms have been trying to get us together ever since to see if we can become friends, and possibly look into training together, supporting each other and maybe more..... You see i am bi, but tend to be quite choosy with my women, and am only attracted to a few, but this new girl (Eloise) is definitely pretty and cute and sweet and funny and just adorable. So she makes me wiggle to think of her, which makes Sir keen for me to get to know her better!

So last night the arrangements had been made for me and Sir to go round Sir Mark's house, and the Doms would spend some time together, and us subs would spend some time together (Sir Mark has another sub as well as Eloise, who i already know and am friendly with, but not in *that* way). It turned out to be a very nice evening, and though Eloise was a bit shy at first because she doesn't know me very well and i was a bit shy at first because i found her very hot (lol), we were soon laughing and chatting away like old friends. It was all very innocent, but later in the evening Eloise did come over and whisper in my ear that she knew i found her attractive and the feeling was mutual. It seems that she is bi too, prolly more so than me and is a lot more confident with girls than i am. So we came to an agreement that she will help me with my bi confidence and i will help her with her sub confidence :) i'm going to take things slowly this time though, after what happened with Amy before. Sir says we won't visit every week, just on some weeks, and sometimes it will be for Eloise's training and some weeks for mine. And some weeks it will just be to chill out and socialise and enjoy each other's company.

i wanted to try to describe Eloise here, but everything i type just doesn't do her justice. The closest i can get is to compare her to this photo: http://womenoftheintertubes.com.s57605.gridserver.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/pretty-face4.jpg
but with a smaller nose. And no i haven't seen her naked yet but i did get to see her underwear because we were talking about panties for some reason, and she was trying to describe the type she likes to wear but i didn't know which she was talking about so she pulled her jeans down to show me. They were like the ones in the photo at the start of this post, and she has a very pert little bottom which looked very hot in them! That's all i have to say for now, but watch this space!

Hi Libby, my question is about shaving. Are you required to keep your nether regions shaved? And what have you found to keep that area smooth and razorburn free if you do shave there?

First of all sorry it has taken me so long to get round to answering this question, and yes i have a few more questions left that i haven't answered yet, but please keep them coming!

Yes, i am required to keep my pussy completely shaved smooth at all times. To be honest i think i must be pretty lucky with shaving because i find that so long as i do it (or have it done by Sir) twice a week i remain pretty much smooth and hair-free. i also manage to avoid those itchy bumps that other people talk about, and have never got ingrown hairs. Whether that's due to the care routine i am required to uphold with regards to the whole business of keeping myself hair-free down there, or whether that's once again luck, i'm not sure. But i'll share with you what i do, so that you can try it and see if it works for you.

1. First of all hold a warm damp cloth or flannel to your bits for a while, or have a warm bath immediately before shaving. i believe this opens up the hair follicles or something, but it definitely helps you get a closer shave.
2. Make sure you use a razor specially for women because they're designed to go round curves and into nooks and crannies better. Oh, and be ruthless in pulling open all those inside areas to get the lil hairs which may be there.
3. Use a shaving gel or cream. This will make sure that the razor glides over the skin rather than irritating it. i use 'bikini zone anti-bumps shaving gel'.
4. Don't go over the same area too many times. Sir always goes in the direction of hair growth first, then against the hair growth, and that usually gets everything off. And keep wiping the razor clean so it doesn't get clogged.
5. i apply lotion and powder to my underarms and pussy everyday to stop them getting irritated. At the moment i am using Johnson's baby products because they are unscented and very gentle on the skin.
6. i believe you can get special creams for razor-burn and ingrown hairs, but i've never used them because i've not needed to! Might be worth checking them out though.

Good luck :)

Ask me anything

OK so i thought i'd try a new weekly thing on this blog, and hopefully keep it up better than previous attempts at similar things (like the 'question Friday', 'Gratitude Tuesday' or 'Sunday musings'... yeah i know i'm a bit rubbish at things like this but this one looks really interesting so i thought i'd give it a go). The concept is that the creator of 'Friday fill-ins' puts some half-completed sentences on her blog and then people fill them in with the first thing that comes into their head or something with real personal relevence to them (i guess depending on how much time they have!) and then repost it on their own blog. A bit like those weird pyschological test thingys, oooooh. So here goes with my first ever one:

1. In 1992 i was..... 13 and going through a bit of an awkward stage where i felt different to everyone else and like i didn't fit in anywhere.

2. Poppy has the sweetest ever..... laughter and smiles.

3. Do what you..... can to be the best you can be, with what you..... have been given in life, where you find yourself at each moment.

4. Snuggled safely into Sir's lap..... is where i'd like to be.

5. The trees and flowers are telling me..... that Spring has properly arrived at last!

6. True love is the gift..... that just keeps going on.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight i'm looking forward to..... showing Sir and Poppy all the lovely things i'm (hopefully) going to buy for the twins today, tomorrow my plans include..... going to a wildlife park with Sir and Poppy, Victoria and Ella and Sunday i want to..... find the perfect double-pushchair-travel-system for our twins!

A little while ago i read this post on Discerning Dom's blog asking if submissive women are more highly sexed than vanilla women are: http://discerningdom.blogspot.com/2010/03/highly-sexed.html?zx=5f1841ef8fec9572
To be honest i've been planning to write a post claiming that i don't actually think we are more highly-sexed than the vanillas, although admittedly we probably are more open to sexual exploration and experimentation. But then i answered a question on my formspring account asking how many times a week i get to have sex, seeing as i have to wait for Sir to instigate it. Which led me to wonder how often the average married couple has sex each week, so off i went to do a little research.... want to know the answer? The average married couple has sex 68.5 times per year, which works out to just over once a week.

Once a week! i crave and desire and need sex much more often than that, and luckily Sir has full-on proper sex with me on average 4 or 5 times a week i would say, but that doesn't include all the blow-jobs i give Him (from which i also derive a feeling of sexual contentment just knowing i have been able to sexually please Him - i know, i'm weird like that), or the 'play' sessions in the barn which involve teasing and nakedness and touching without penetrative sex, or the training sessions which may also involve sexual activity, or the many times Sir will touch me, tease me, caress me, fondle me, etc. daily without it leading to anything else. (Oh yes, and kiss and cuddle me -those are very important to me too and i get lots and lots of those from Sir). But from the research studies i was reading it sounds like that once a week sex is all those married couples get, no other 'play' beyond that. And that has made me re-evaluate my previous belief that subbie girls have a similar sex-drive to vanillas.

Maybe we don't. Maybe there is a link between being submissive and having a high sex-drive, just as Discerning Dom suggests. i think it's probably that being submissive causes the high sex-drive in some way, rather than the other way round, but it's hard to know for sure. i do know that i've pretty much always had a high sex-drive, but admittedly it has increased since recognising my submissive nature and being trained by Sir. But imagine having a low sex-drive and being a slave! Having to perform sexually whenever your Master required it without any desire to do so at all - and surely that must be sore if you're not physically ready for it? i know as a slave there's things i have to do that i don't necessarily want to, but i just have to get on and do them anyway, and sure sometimes i do have sex with Sir without particularly 'wanting' it in the first place, but to be honest those times are rare. i can get turned on fairly quickly and be raring to go with a couple of looks or words or actions from Sir. But imagining a situation as a slave where the vast majority of times you were made to have sex you really really didn't want to? That's difficult for me to comprehend how it must make you feel to be in that situation.

i'd really like to hear from other subs out there on their views on this (and Doms too if you have experience of a few different subs to compare!). And especially if you are one of those subs/slaves with a low sex-drive - how does that affect your sexual service to your Dom? Hmmm maybe i'll even put up some kind of poll about sex-drives in subs and Doms once the current one is finished!

How many times a week do you have sex given he gets to decide? Are you ever allowed to instigate it?

Luckily for me Sir has a high sex-drive and uses me in a sexual way quite a few times a week! Not all of those times are for my pleasure, sometimes it's just to please Him and i don't get to cum, but Sir says that one of the best ways to reward me when i am being a good girl and living by His rules is to let me cum regularly, so i do get to cum lots (because i *am* a good girl) i would say that we 'have sex' in some mutually-pleasing form about 3-6 times a week :)

Also everyday i have to offer Sir a blow-job at some point, which often is just that and we get on with whatever we were doing after it's over, but if i time it right when there's no other distractions (i.e. when Poppy isn't likely to disturb us) then sometimes it will lead onto Sir pleasuring me afterwards :)

With the 'instigating' question: it's kind of tricky to answer, because i am not allowed to demand or expect sex, neither am i meant to manipulate Sir into doing what i want. But that doesn't mean that i can't make it clear to Him when i am feeling horny or try using my feminine wiles to seduce Him! Sometimes these attempts work and sometimes Sir just likes to see me all hot and frustrated, but that is the only type of 'instigation' i am permitted. Oh, except for a couple of special days each year, normally Valentines and my birthday, when i am allowed 1 hour to do whatever i like to Him and to ask Him to do whatever i want to me. Often those sessions go on for longer than an hour, but they are a real treat :) i wouldn't want them to become the norm though because i like Sir being in complete control of sex as well as everything else in our lives!

Ask me anything

I'm new to this lifestyle and am looking to be a sub for a special Dom of my liking. Can you tell me what things i need to be asking first or to look out for?

To be honest i've kind of been putting this question off because it's quite a tricky one to answer. To me it's a bit like asking a vanilla person 'what things should i be looking for in a boyfriend?' - the answer is going to be different for each person. Having said that, there are some general guidelines that people should follow when looking for a Dom, which i'll try to explain below as concisely as possible:

1. Be aware that most of the 'lifestyle' people you meet online are not real Doms or real subs, no matter what they may tell you. Sorry, but it's true - see this post for details: http://libbysub.blogspot.com/2008/07/cyber-bdsm.html

2. you may be better off looking for a Dom in real-life, perhaps by joining in with activities organised by your local fetish group. That way you can chat to people, ask questions and get to know Doms who live near you.

3. Don't make the mistake of being rushed off your feet by the first Dom who shows any interest in you. Take your time, get to know Him first, find out if you are compatible, ask Him questions, find out what He's looking for and what He's into. It might not be the same as you!

4. If you do meet up in real-life with any Doms, make sure you do it safely. Meet in a cafe or something first, have a safecall, check out as many details about Him beforehand as you can, don't do anything you're not comfortable with.

5. Don't give out too many of your personal details too quickly when getting to know someone. Very occasionally people use BDSM as a cover for darker things.

6. Get to know yourself better as well - what you like, dislike, are afraid of, what your limits are, what you capabilities are, how extreme you want to go, are you a bottom/sub/slave, etc. That way you can answer a potential Dom's questions easier and know what you are looking for in a relationship.

7. Have fun and don't be put off if it doesn't work out with the first Dom you meet. If you persevere you may well meet the one of your dreams!

So i'm feeling much brighter and happier today, but also rather thoughtful. And as i'm now back at home after my pregnancy Pilates class this morning, and have had lunch and all that, i've decided to tackle one of the many posts under 'upcoming posts' in the sidebar. Part of the reason that list has been growing and growing for a while, without me actually sitting down to write any of them, has been that they all require quite a lot of thought to get my head around what it is i'm trying to say about each subject. But one in particular seems poignant to where i am right now in my life, so i'm going to tackle it today.

It's inspired by the 'transitions in slavery' post that swan wrote a little while ago: http://theheronclan.blogspot.com/2010/03/transitions-in-slavery.html, and which is well worth reading. i was sitting here at lunch today, working my way through the contents of one of Sir's delicious 'snack boxes' that He creates for me every day, and i was thinking how strange it feels not to have Poppy in the house. Since i gave birth to her nearly 2 years ago she has either been at home with me, or out with me somewhere, or in a different room at nursery when i have been working. But there have been very few occasions when i have been alone in the house since she was born. It doesn't make me feel sad because i know that she's having a great time at nursery and learning and developing lots whilst she's there, and i can definitely do with the chance to put my feet up and relax now that i'm starting to feel the effects of creating two little lives inside of me..... but it brought home to me how my life is going to be changing once again, and how that process has already started.

i think in the beginning i looked on change as being a necessary part of mine and Sir's relationship, as i was 'new' and therefore learning and developing, so at that stage change was a positive thing, it meant that i had grown and was ready for whatever the next step was. It was exciting and something to be celebrated and actively sought out. Then when i became collared by Sir and moved in with Him, i kind of thought that the changes would stop, that i had reached the pinnacle of my existence as it were by becoming a '24/7 live-in real-life slave' (!) and that things would pretty much remain constant forever and ever from that point on. After all, i had my rules and my rituals and my routines, didn't i? So i knew where i stood and what was expected of me, and there was no reason why Sir and i couldn't continue living in that way for years and years and years. Except of course, life happens. Things like falling pregnant and having a baby, things like bringing up that child and having them around all the time at home, things like coping with post-natal depression, things like getting engaged and then married, things like going back to work part-time as well as running a house and looking after a child, things like falling pregnant again with twins this time..... each and every one of those major life events, and all the many seemingly smaller events as well, inevitably meant changes to our M/s dynamic. Certain rituals and routines have fallen by the wayside, many rules have had to be adapted and updated or scrapped altogether, the amount and type of training i am able to do has decreased a lot, play sessions now have to be carefully scheduled and planned around when Poppy is out of the house, the type of M/s interactions we engage in during our everyday lives has had to become a lot more subtle, and so on and so on.

Not that i resent any of those changes, or think that they have been detrimental to mine and Sir's relationship or to my progress as a slave, or to my happiness and fulfillment as a person. On the contrary, i think i am possibly the happiest and most fulfilled and content and all those other things than i have ever been in my life, and i wouldn't go back and change any of those things that have happened for one moment. But i think what's really hit me when i look back on the 4 1/2 years Sir and i have been together is that the changes to our relationship/dynamic haven't happened suddenly, even though the events that necessitated them have. It's more like a series of gradual transitions throughout the past few years, and the changes are a lot more fluid and complex than would at first appear to be the case. It means that i as a slave have changed too, but again it's not been a sudden change, but rather a process of continual transition as i adapt to each new event in my life. When i look back at how my life was when i first moved in with Sir and how it is now, on the surface it is very different and in some ways appears to be less 'strict' or 'intense' in M/s terms. But i know that underneath the dynamic between us is even stronger than back then and we still relate to each other with the same level of M/s intensity as we did in the beginning, if not more so. Perhaps it's more a case of me no longer needing such practical, obvious reminders of my slavery to keep me on the right track anymore, but i can self-manage because i've internalised it? Whatever the case, i feel that Sir and i have come to a place where we are both comfortable and confident in our relationship and our roles within it, and are able to maintain it without the degree of effort it once took. This is evident in many things, but i will point to my punishments as an example - the last one was in 2007!! (showing, i think, that i am now able to keep to the 'rules' without even probably needing the rules anymore, if that makes sense).

i feel that M/s relationships, just like any relationships but probably more so, are a bit like sand-dunes - just when you think you've got to the top of one and know where you are the sand shifts and you're in a different place and have to adapt to your surroundings and set off on a new path once again. And just like the dunes in the desert, there is no 'end goal', no definitive moment of arrival; the constantly shifting sands mean that you'll forever be travelling onward, forever be working to adapt to the changing landscape. But i for one am OK with that, at least it means things will never get stale!

It's not been the best of days, to be honest. It feels like everything's come upon me at once, because i still don't know how flame's op went so i'm worried about that, today is Poppy's first ever day at nursery without me being there so i'm worried about that too and Sir had to go back to work today after the lovely long Easter weekend and leave me by myself, just thinking about those two other things. Which i've been trying not to do, by keeping myself busy with getting this blog up and running properly, but it's kind of hard. i'm sure that Poppy's having a lovely day at nursery (Sir is going to pick her up on His way back from work), and flame's op went just fine, but it's difficult while i'm stuck in this limbo land of not knowing. And the preggie hormones from the twins prolly aren't helping either... oh well, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

101 list

Domestic:

1. learn how to make a proper pavlova - 8/12/09
2. learn how to make nutritional baby meals - 28/2/11
3. make homemade bread - 29/9/09
4. make homemade pasta properly - 21/3/10
5. try canning/jam making - 26/9/09
6. cook Christmas dinner by myself - 25/12/09
7. get a slow cooker and learn how to use it - 28/12/09
8. learn how to make smoothies - 29/8/09
9. grow my own fruits and vegetables in the garden - 29/6/09
10. grow a Venus fly tray from scratch and keep it alive this time - 7/11/10
11. take part in a sunflower growing competition - 8/7/10

Health and beauty:

12. be signed off by my counsellor as no longer needing sessions - 25/2/09
13. try out a new hairstyle - 26/11/09
14. find out more about alternative health treatments and which ones would benefit me and my children - 1/11/10
15. try out yoga/Pilates - 15/4/09
16. keep my nails painted
17. do a monthly pedicure on my feet
18. find out more about my thyroid condition - 1/11/10
19. eat 5 pieces of fruit and veg per day
20. have my hair cut regularly
21. learn about aromatherapy and try mixing my own oils - 6/3/11

Leisure:

22. read all of 'The Wheel of Time' books
23. reread 'The Story of O' - 14/5/10
24. try scrapbooking - 20/10/10
25. make photo albums of all the Poppy photos - 29/8/09
26. write more poetry
27. watch 'The Lord of the Rings' films back to back again - 27/12/09
28. get some coffee table books and read them cover to cover - 4/10/09
29. go swimming regularly
30. watch all the 'Friends' videos in order - 21/8/11
31. go to another musical in London - 31/1/09

Networking and friends:

32. try a different channel on IRC
33. send flame a letter
34. make one new sub friend in r/l - 10/4/10
35. make a new pen/email friend - 26/1/09
36. maintain my blog
37. create more surveys
38. reply to all my emails
39. comment more on other blogs
40. get to know another blogger better
41. go on IMVU more often

Family:

42. get a family portrait session done - 14/2/09
43. go fishing with Sir and catch a fish
44. plan a complete surprise for Sir -14/2/09
45. plan for our next baby - 12/12/09
46. take Poppy to the beach - 2/5/09
47. get a new pet - 20/5/11
48. establish family rituals for all the major holidays/celebrations - 31/10/10
49. visit my cousin in Scotland
50. phone my mum every week
51. invite my family over more often

Sexual:

52. play with a Domme in r/l - 5/4/09
53. have sex in a public place
54. scene with one new Dom and one new sub from #P&H - 3/4/09
55. let flame try a strap-on with me
56. kiss another girl in r/l
57. learn a new way to pleasure Sir
58. practice my foot job technique again
59. learn to deep throat Sir without doing that initial gag
60. watch a threesome
61. have sex outdoors - 22/7/11

BDSM experiences:

62. play at a public play party - 28/5/11
63. make a piece of BDSM equipment for Sir
64. learn to lap dance for Sir
65. pass another 5 areas of training with Sir
66. tell someone i know about my BDSM lifestyle
67. learn a new slave position
68. mentor another sub - 12/12/09
69. try out the single-tail whip again - 2/9/11
70. learn to tolerate the wooden pony better
71. incorporate BDSM elements into our wedding ceremony - 25/7/09

Knowledge and skills:

72. have at least one driving lesson to try it
73. learn some star constellations
74. learn the offside rule
75. read the newspaper every day
76. learn something new on the computer
77. learn more about religions
78. learn more about science - 23/10/10
79. learn more about geography - 26/12/09
80. learn more about law and politics - 16/5/10
81. learn to dance better

Fun:

82. have my portrait done by a street artist
83. host a Halloween party - 29/10/09
84. have my palms read
85. go to the Notting Hill Carnival
86. make and bury a time capsule - 16/8/10
87. bottle-feed a lamb - 12/4/09
88. go to a drive-through safari park
89. send somebody flowers - 18/8/09
90. try out one of those massage chairs - 14/3/09
91. host an Ann Summers party

Adventure:

92. gamble in a real casino - 4/8/09
93. go to a film premiere
94. go bareback riding
95. swim under a waterfall
96. stand at the top of a mountain
97. try something new such as para-gliding or bungee-jumping
98. travel to new countries - Aug 09
99. go skinny dipping again
100 have something named after me - 4/8/09
101. go to the races