a submissive's musings: June 2010

Tired

i haven't posted on here for a while because i haven't had either the energy or the inclination to do so. And really i still don't but i thought i'd better write a little post explaining why so people don't get worried.

i am super super tired at the moment. Physically tired of hauling around my huge swollen body with all its aches and pains, of not being able to find a comfortable position to lay in, of being too hot to sleep properly, of spending all day everyday napping and eating and drinking and peeing. But also mentally and emotionally tired too - tired of being pregnant, tired of the huge mood swings, tired of waiting for September to come, tired of people telling me it'll all be worth it in the end, tired of people telling me i'm going to pop any moment, tired of people saying the time will go quicker than i think, tired of people reminding me of what i have to look forward to.

i'm just in a grump and have been most of this week, so i don't expect it to lift anytime soon. In the meantime don't expect too many posts from me, unless they're to complain about something, and don't feel obliged to read those ones unless you want to end up feeling grumpy too. That's all for now.

Happy Father's Day Sir! Today Poppy crept into our room first thing this morning, proudly bringing the card she had made at nursery and i took her downstairs to fetch the cakes i helped her to make yesterday - we iced the tops of them to spell out 'Happy Fathers Day' when arranged on the tray but somehow since making them one of the 'y' cakes went missing and Poppy claims not to know anything about it nor how icing got all over her bed! But apart from that Sir was really pleased with His gifts and we had a nice family snuggle in bed for a while.

Today we went out for a walk in the woods and had a picnic lunch, where most of the cakes got demolished, then we came back home this afternoon and have been chilling out in the garden. After a while it got too hot for me so i came indoors, but Sir and Poppy had a good time spraying the hose around and generally getting wet!

Poppy just adores her Daddy and it's plain to see why - He is a great father and exactly the kind of dad i would have chosen for my children. Sir is firm but fair, patient and tolerant, kind and funny, protective and nurturing, consistent and trustworthy, he reassures Poppy when she is scared, encourages her when she is trying something new, praises her when she is good, gently disciplines her when she is naughty, guides and teaches her new things everyday, shows her He loves her as well as telling her, and helps her to be the best little Poppy she can be. i am so in love with Him as a father as well as a husband and Master and know that He will be a brilliant dad to the twins as well when they get here.

Happy Father's Day to all those great dads out there, i hope you enjoy your day :)

A little while back swan of the Heron Clan posted about 'the beast', which is meant to lurk inside every Dom, and which many subs/slaves try to unleash or set free: http://theheronclan.blogspot.com/2010/05/beast.html

It got me thinking about whether or not Sir even has this 'beast' inside Him, and if He did would i want to deliberately encourage this side of Him out? i think the answer to both those questions is no!

To be honest i don't think Sir has this 'beast' thing inside of Him. Yes He likes to inflict pain on me sometimes, yes He has desires that some would consider 'dark', yes He is somewhat of a sadist, but i believe that He is always in control of those desires and isn't battling against them spiralling out of control at any point. Which is what the 'beast' idea suggests to me - that the Dom is fighting an inner battle to keep the true extent of their desires reined in because should they give vent to their deepest urges then they would no longer be in control of them and could potentially cause harm to their sub. Why anyone would want their Dom out of control and in a state to potentially cause real damage i do not know, and i'm also unsure how it would be possible to fully trust such a Dom. What would happen if the 'beast' was let out in the middle of a scene with the sub helpless to protect themself?

So i am grateful that there is no 'beast' inside of my Sir. That's just my opinion though and i realise that others may be excited by the idea that potentially there is no limit to the extent of their Dom's sadisticness. Each to their own.....

How far has Sir gone with your punishments? Has he ever broken skin?

i don't get punished very often, it has to be a flagrant breach of the rules for me to be punished and if He can Sir will give me a warning or discipline rather than punishing me. If you look on my 'punishments' section on this blog you can see that there's only a few on there since i became Sir's slave and there haven't been any for quite some time.

Punishments from Sir are harsh and they do hurt a lot and i hate them, but Sir is very controlled in carrying them out and He has never gone too far with them. The purpose of a punishment is to let the slave know they have done wrong and hopefully prevent them from acting in the same way again, but that doesn't mean they need to be beaten to a pulp or have lasting scars inflicted upon them. And i think that us slaves tend to punish ourselves on the inside more than our Masters could ever punish us on the outside, so there's really no need to go very far in punishments at all.

Thanks for the question.

Ask me anything

Since getting pregnant i've been feeling 'needy' in lots of ways, but mainly needing attention and reassurance and comfort and lots of tactileness and touching. Sir has been really good about giving me those things when i need them, without even being asked - He just knows - and lots of the people i chat with on #P&H seem to be recognising it and responding to it as well. So i've been lucky so far.

This morning i woke up with a different kind of need, a need to be taken, used, filled, fucked, whatever you want to call it. i've been needy sexually plenty of times since getting preggie, but this was different somehow, so i wriggled myself against Sir until He fully woke up and when He asked me "what do you want libs?" i didn't say anything i just turned over onto my hands and knees and presented my bottom towards Him. i heard Him kind of growl, then i felt Him grab hold of my hips as He moved into position behind me and it went from there. It was exactly what i needed and it felt so good and afterwards i curled into Sir feeling all meek and little and He hugged me and stroked my bump for a long while until Poppy woke up and we got up to start our day.

Sometimes us preggie girls just need to be desired and needed and used. i am still a slave even though i look like a beached whale at the moment, and sometimes i just need to forget the preggie part and focus on the slave part for a while.

A little while ago i read something about pubic hair on another blog, i think it was 'The Heron Clan' but i might be wrong, and i know that kaya over on 'Under His Hand' often posts about her pussy fluff and shows us photos of how it looks at various times. Lots of subs and slaves have rules they have to follow regarding their pussy hair, so i know we don't exactly have a choice about how it looks. In my rules it says i have to keep my pussy completely shaved at all times, so i never have any hair there at all :( If it was up to me i would keep it trimmed into a neat landing strip because i like that look better than nothing there at all.

i would find it weird if a Man had completely shaved all His pubic hair off, though smooth balls would be nice to suck! But i suppose it might be different for boy subs, i haven't really played with them much in real-life though. But since waking up my interest in girls i have started looking more closely at girl's pussy areas and now they are one of my favourite parts of a girl's body. i especially like 'tufties' - where it is trimmed into a soft fluffy area, mainly kept on the top part of the pussy, like the photo above. flame has a tufty and when i imagine stroking it, it just makes me go all wiggly. With Dommes i am too shy and nervous about what they think of me to really pay attention to their pussy area or even notice what type of pubic hair they have, but perhaps as i get more confident with Them i will.

Basically i just wanted to post about how much i love tufties and if anybody has a photo of their tufty they want to send me, please do! Or please leave a comment about whether you have rules regarding pubic hair and what those rules are, or if not how you prefer your pubic hair to look and what method you use to keep it neat. Thanks!

Has Master ever done something you do not like (not to you, but generally). Have you ever been angry with him?

Usually i can accept Sir's decisions in things even when i would not necessarily have made the same decision myself or i don't quite understand His motives. But we are pretty much on the same page with bringing up our children, and i am allowed an equal say in any decisions involving them, so there are no issues there.

i can only really think of one occasion when i was angry with Him over something He did, and that was when He refused to send money to a very close friend of mine who was in financial difficulties and He also banned me from sending any money either. i was very very cross because i just couldn't understand why He wouldn't let me help this person, seeing as He knew how much she meant to me and how upset it was making me to know the problems she was going through and not be able to do anything to help. i probably didn't handle the situation in the best way possible either, because rather than discuss it calmly with Him and ask for His reasons why, i just got very sulky and short-tempered, so Sir left me to calm down for a while. It actually still makes me a little bit angry to think back on it, but nothing like the anger i felt at the time. After dwelling on it and talking it through with Sir i came to accept His decision, even though i didn't agree with it and i respected His orders and did not send any money to my friend even though i still wanted to. i know that He had good reasons for His decision, even though i don't fully know what those are, because in every other decision He has made since i've known Him He's turned out to be right. So i just have to trust that and go with it.

Apart from that one time i haven't really gotten angry with Sir. i've been angry in general, and angry at other people and situations that have occured, and those feelings can impact on my service to Him. But it's very very rare that i get angry at something that Sir has done. Which is a good thing. And i think i'm fully immersed enough in my role now to be able to obey and follow Him even when He does do something i don't agree with and that makes me angry. Which again is a good thing, i think.

Ask me anything

Poppy: (coming into the kitchen and finding me crying) Mama cries?

Me: Yes sweetie, a little bit.

Poppy: Mama sads?

Me: Yes Mummy is a bit sad.

Poppy: Mama poorly?

Me: No sweetheart, but Mummy is sad because William is poorly.

Poppy: Willum poorly?

Me: Yes, William is poorly.

Poppy: Poorly tummy?

Me: No, William has a poorly head.

Poppy: Poorly head?.... Poor Willum.
(gives my tummy a hug and a pat)
Mama makesim better?

Me: Mummy can't make him better. That's why Mummy is sad.

Poppy: Medsy [medicine] makesim better?

Me: No sweetie, medicine can't make him better either.

Poppy: (thinking for a while)... Poppy helps Willum.

Me: You're going to help him?

Poppy: Yes, helpim.

Me: That would be very good, William might need a lot of help because of his poorly head.

Poppy: (kissing my bump) Lubs you Willum, Poppy helps you.
(pausing, then moving to kiss the other side of my bump, whispering) Lubs you Finn.

Me: Good girl Poppy, you made Mummy feel happy now.

Poppy: (smiling up at me) Mama happy, Willum happy?

Me: Yes sweetie, Mummy, William and Finn all happy.

Poppy: Hugs pease?

And with that she scoots onto my lap for a hug, sits quietly thinking for a moment, then toddles back to her toys with a "Poppy helps Willum" called over her shoulder as she leaves. And you know what? i really think she is going to help William, i think she's going to be a great sister to both the boys, but especially with William's difficulties. And it's great to know i have her to rely on as well as Sir and the rest of my family and friends. What a special little girl she is :)

The past few days i have been feeling really fed up with being pregnant. Because i am having twins i am now bigger at 6 months than i was when i gave birth to Poppy at 9 months, and i've basically had enough of being this way. i can't even imagine how big i'll be before the end and it worries me because it's already uncomfortable enough as it is. i find it really hard to get to sleep at night because there's very few positions i can lay in with any semblance of comfort. And then when i do sleep it's only for 2 or 3 hours at most before i wake up again and spend ages trying to get back to sleep again. By about 4am i normally give up and go and relax in my glider chair fora while, playing some classical music or reading stories to the twins through my belly. But that means i have to take frequent naps during the day because i am so tired.

Also i have constant lower-back aches and sometimes it gets really bad. i am seeing a chiropractor now once a week and he works on my hips, pelvis, lower back and ribs using his hands and a weird metal thing. It hurts sometimes but afterwards i do feel like i have more room inside me and my back isn't so bad for a while. i have an appointment to see a physio this week as well to try out some support belts on me to see if they can help - i think they wrap round the bottom of my bump to give me more support there so my back isn't taking so much of the weight. And i've started these new pregnancy relax swimming classes, which are run by a qualified physio and her assistants. Basically we just chill out and float around while listening to calming music, supported by floats and woggles which the assistants help get into position for us. Then when we're lying there they come round and do gentle exercises with us such as stretching out our arms and legs or rotating our joints, and then they help us get into a new position to float for a while. It's really really relaxing and it feels lovely to be less heavy for a while, so i'm going to go to those sessions every week now.

i have 9 weeks until full-term for twins and 12 weeks until full-term for a normal pregnancy, so i'm aiming for the tadpoles to arrive sometime between those 2 dates. Because of William's condition it's important that he doesn't come too prematurely as he would probably have extra complications, so part of me really really wants them to stay inside as long as they can. But the other part of me thinks that 9 weeks sounds like a very long time, especially as i'll be growing huge by the end of it. And it'll be getting hotter and hotter as summer is here. i just want the next 3 months to go really quickly so that i can give birth to my little boys and know that they're OK and i can finally have some relief from feeling like a beached whale. i'm not even looking forward to my birthday this year which is so unusual for me!

Sorry to whinge, but it's how i'm feeling at the moment, along with super-restless and doing lots of nesting things (sorting out the cupboards, refolding and restacking towels all over the house, etc). i even resorted my blogroll into categories, with exactly 10 in each. Every part of my life needs to be neatly ordered at the moment so i feel reassured that things are 'ready'. It's just an instinct i have right now as the arrival of the twins gets closer. Later today we are finishing off their nursery and i'm hoping that will help soothe the restlessness somewhat. But if the next 3 months could speed up? That would be great - thanks!

Is there anything that you loved doing that Sir made you give up? If so how do you feel about it?

When i first moved in with Sir lots of things changed in my life and by living according to His rules there were quite a few things i had to 'give up' or be restricted or limited to in some way. For example i was only allowed to watch TV with Sir in the evenings, and it wasn't guaranteed that i would be able to watch my favourite programmes, i was only allowed to listen to music or the radio with prior permission, the same for reading a book or a magazine. So all of that took a bit of getting used to.

The main thing that i found difficult in the beginning, and which still gets to me now at times, was the food rules. The rules said that i was only allowed to eat at mealtimes, had to ask permission for snacks in between meals and wasn't allowed to ask for chocolates, crisps and cakes at all - though sometimes Sir would offer them to me. Coming from my own house where i was used to grazing on stuff from the fridge and cupboards whenever i felt like it, that was a difficult rule to get used to, but i pretty much have now and Sir is fairly generous with snacks and treats so it hasn't been too bad.

Since having Poppy and now i am pregnant some of those rules have been relaxed so that i can watch TV and listen to music with her during the day without needing specific permission, and i have snack boxes of food to graze on between meals to help the tadpoles grow nice and big. But even if i had to return to the strictest version of the rules, like they were in the beginning, it wouldn't really bother me because i am used to them now. And having the rules helps me to feel Sir's control all day everyday, even while i am away from Him, so in that sense they are nice even while restrictive. Hope that answered the question OK.

Ask me anything

Since we found out about William's condition i have been experiencing a range of emotions - from anger and sadness through to protectiveness and determination. At times i even feel glimmers of hope - that TS can be a mild condition, that nobody really knows how it will affect William, that my knowledge of special needs kiddies will give him a headstart. But the predominant feeling which has been building over the last couple of days is a different one, it is guilt.

i feel guilty that i am mourning the loss of the William i thought i had, that i feel sad that my baby isn't going to be the perfect little boy i hoped for. i feel guilty that i wish he didn't have this condition, that i am angry at the unfairness that it should be my baby who has it. i feel guilty that i can't just be happy for who and what he is, that it seems that i am more grateful for Finn who doesn't have these problems. i feel guilty that i am worried about how i will cope with all of William's potential problems as well as looking after Finn and Poppy at the same time, that i feel he will be a burden on our time and resources as a family. Most of all i feel guilty that at work i can love and suport and cherish the special kiddies but only because they belong to someone else, it's ok for other families to have children like that but not mine.

What does that say about me as a person? To me it seems to say that i am bad and wrong and selfish and prejudiced and mean and unfair. i hope that William doesn't know how i am feeling about him and that he won't be able to tell after he is born either. Of course i will love him and care for him and do my absolute best for him. But it doesn't change the way i feel about him having this condition, so it doesn't change the guilt i have about feeling that way. And the guilt worries me because that was a big part of how i was feeling when i had postnatal depression before. i can't get that this time because i need to be the best mummy i can be for all 3 of my children, i won't have time to sink into a fog of depression or go to therapies and treatment for it, i can't afford to not be at my best for the first important year of William's life when i can and should be doing so much to help him.

i'm not looking for sympathy in this post, i just wanted to record the guilt feeling so i can look back and know when it started, incase it becomes important later. And to let everyone out there know that i'm not as strong or as great as people seem to think i am.

Sorry.

I am interested in doing some humiliation with my Master, but it terrifies me. I just don't understand it. Why do it? What is the payoff? How does it make you feel? Does it harm your self-esteem in anyway?

Not sure i'm the best person to ask this because i'm fairly new to the whole humiliation thing myself and Sir has stopped training me in it while i am pregnant so it may be on hold for a little while. But i can give my limited perspective on it.

Some subs get really turned on by being humiliated, it makes them horny to be called dirty names and treated in whatever way the Dom/me wishes. i guess it goes against the norm, breaks a few taboos and some people like that. For me i don't really find myself aroused by the actual humiliation itself, but the few times i have done it it has put me into a super-submissive state very quickly just because it serves to emphasise the differences between the Dom role and the sub one. It also makes me feel very little and humble and quiet, which tends to make me very placid and touchy-feely afterwards and the times we have tried humiliation i have been happy just to snuggle into Sir's arms for quite a while after the end of the play.

Personally i don't think i could take too much humiliation or too extreme a form of humilation without dissolving into uncontrollable tears and being a total wreck. But hopefully you will be with a Dom who knows you and can sense your trigger points and your limits and knows which lines to cross and which to stay away from. i wouldn't recommend doing any hardcore humiliation scenes with someone you didn't know very well! If done properly i don't think humiliation should harm your self-esteem in any way, but i don't think it is for everyone so it's probably best approached slowly and carefully.

Hope that's helped, maybe people with a bit more experience would like to chime in here?

Ask me anything

oooooh posting this on the right day this time, it must be a good week!

1. The seaside.... is my favourite place to travel to.

2. When i think about my childhood i often remember.... going down to the park at the bottom of our road.

3. Someone who loves you despite your faults.... makes for a good friend.

4. The wind in the trees, the rain on my skin.... the hand in my hair, the tingle in my belly!

5. Waiting to meet my twin boys and getting everything ready for them.... is so exciting!

6. My best friend knows.... i am not as sweet and innocent as i appear!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight i'm looking forward to.... watching the last semi-final of Britain's Got Talent, tomorrow my plans include.... taking Poppy to a toddler play festival in the park and Sunday i want to.... work on getting the nursery ready.

What gives some people the right to play God? Just because they have some medical training they think they can decide who is worthy of living and who should be cast aside. It makes me so mad!

Oh i guess i should backtrack a little and fill everyone in with the events of today, then i can rant about that woman who made me so cross.

Today me and Sir travelled to a specialist centre in a hospital 30 miles away to get more tests done to find out the extent of William's problems. They did another ultrasound to look at his heart, kidneys and other organs, and then a high-speed MRI scan of his brain. Then we had to wait to see the consultant to find out what the results were and basically William was given a definite diagnosis of tuberous sclerosis, based on the fact that he has multiple cardiac rhabdomyomas (benign heart tumours) and multiple cortical tubers (malformed areas of the brain). We were told that since the cortical tubers appear numerous and widespread even at this early stage it is likely that William will have significant developmental delay, severe learning difficulties and epilepsy starting with infantile spasms before the age of 1. Finn shows no signs of any of these problems however and there are no signs of William's other organs being affected at this stage.

Then the consultant started telling us about our 'options', including the fact that late abortions are allowed in the UK in cases where there are chromosomal or developmental problems with the baby, and he started describing how such a procedure could be carried out by injecting a chemical into William's heart but that the procedure would carry a level of danger to Finn as well. Halfway through i stopped him and explained that there was no way i would even consider aborting William, no matter what he has wrong with him because he is my baby and i will love him just the same as his brother and sister. And Sir agreed with me, saying that abortion would not be an option for us. So the consultant gave us some literature to read on the condition and said we would get an appointment to bring William in for further testing when he is about 1 month old and we would go from there. And also he talked us through our birth options and said he will need to liaise with my consultant at the hospital near us when we discuss my birth plan because it depends on how the twins position themselves and whether William is ready to come out first or second as to whether he will recommend a caesarean or not.

After the consultant had left the room we were waiting to be seen by a genetic counsellor when the nurse who had also been in the room with us started trying to convince us to change our minds. She talked about some of the children she worked with with the condition, basically saying that those mose severely affected had no life at all and surely it was unfair to our other children to burden them with having a brother like that who would probably never even learn to talk or write his own name. She started rambling on about how it would be too late once he was born and we wouldn't be able to get rid of him then even if we wanted to, that now was our chance to do the right thing for our whole family and put him out of his misery. i was so shocked and then i started to get really angry. How dare she make those types of judgements about a child who hasn't even been born yet? How dare she say that his life won't be worth anything? How dare she tell me what is right for my other children when she doesn't know them? How dare she imply that in order to be a decent human being, worthy of having a place in this world, that someone needs to be able to talk and write? Sir could tell that i was getting very stressed so He told the nurse to keep her opinions to herself and to leave us alone, and she left with a huffy look over her shoulder at us. i actually went and made a complaint about her because i was so cross, but not sure it will do any good.

The meeting with the genetic counsellor didn't tell us much more, only that me and Sir will need to be tested for the condition as it is hereditary and can be so mild that people don't know they have it - so we've arranged that for a couple of weeks' time. But she also said that most cases are caused by a new genetic mutation so it's quite likely that neither of us do have it. It's important to know though because we would have a 50% chance of any future children having the condition also if one of us did carry the gene for it. Also it can be quite tricky to find the specific part of the chromosome which is affected in each individual, but they will take a blood sample from William shortly after birth and run tests on it to try to find which part of his DNA is affected, then they can use that to do something that i can't even remember now.

Getting tired, think i should go for a nap. But i do feel better now i have ranted about that rude woman and got her out of my system. William will be very much loved and wanted and a precious part of our family and we will do our best by him, just as we will for all our children. i know just how special those types of children can be from my work at nursery, not that i have met any with William's specific condition but all of the special children bring something extra to their lives and touch the hearts of everyone they meet and it would be wrong of me to kill him just because he isn't perfect and doesn't conform to some people's idea of a 'normal' person.

Ok rant over.