a submissive's musings: August 2010

Feminism and BDSM?

This topic comes up quite a bit in BDSM blogs and there are many good discussions on it, but i've been thinking about it for a while and because there's other worries i don't want to spend all afternoon churning round and round in my brain, i've decided to spend some time thinking about this instead. Here's one example of someone else's thoughts on this topic which you might want to read first:

http://www.submissiveguide.com/2010/06/theories-of-feminism-and-submission/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+SubmissiveGuide+%28Submissive+Guide%29

Many people would say that there's no place for feminism within BDSM, especially in traditional Male Dominant- female submissive or even slave relationships. But i dispute that. If you look at what feminism actually means: "the advocacy of women's rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes" there's no reason why it can't take place within D/s or even M/s relationships. If i believe that women and men in general are equal (not the same, but of equal importance), which i do, and if i believe this means they should have equal opportunities and rights and freedoms etc, which i do, then surely it means that women should be able to choose to become a collared slave, give over all control of their life, and submit to a man if they wish to? Just as a man should also be able to do so. If someone thinks that i shouldn't be allowed to choose this option, then they'd be denying me the very rights, opportunities and freedoms to live my life the way i choose that feminists advocate should be mine in the first place. Feminism isn't limited to 'women should have the same rights as men, but only to make the following decisions.......', because then they would be restricting women but not restricting men and thus they wouldn't be equal. i hope that makes sense.

The other point i want to make is that even though i have chosen this lifestyle for myself, and in doing so i have voluntarily given up many of my rights, opportunities and freedoms in order to feel fulfilled and be the person i need to be, that doesn't mean that i think all women should do the same. i definitely don't and infact i am good friends with many Dommes and some male slaves, who surely demonstrate a good example of how this lifestyle does make women equal to men because we have both genders represented in both roles. So it is possible for me to be a female slave and still a feminist, because i use my equal rights as a woman to choose the options most suited to me, which just happens to be giving away my freedom and control, whilst at the same time advocating that women in general in society should be treated equally to men and have the same opportunities given to them and not restricted or limited in anyway due to the gender. Having said that i do also recognise that men and women are by their very nature different to each other and tend to have different innate strengths and weaknesses, so equal does not mean the same, and women shouldn't try to be exactly the same as men but should celebrate their talents and choose the options which best fit them.

OK, that's my thoughts on the subject. Comments are welcome.

I'm curious as to your physique pre-poppy, post poppy, and pre-twins.

Ooooh interesting question.
Pre-Poppy: i was very slim, with a totally flat tummy, pert little bewbies but with large nipples, a firm little bottom, slender hips, long slim legs. my measurements were 34B-26-32

Post-Poppy: immediately after having Poppy i was dismayed to see that my tummy made me still look a few months pregnant! my bewbies had swelled to gigantic sizes especially considering how small and pert they used to be and my nipples were even bigger than before with darker areolaes. To me my hips and bottom were huge, though my legs still looked slim.

Pre-twins: it took a while to get rid of the jelly belly, but it did go after a while and my tummy returned to almost its pre-Poppy state though not quite as flat (definitely not flabby though) and with no stretchmarks! my hips stayed wider and my bewbies stayed bigger even after shrinking down when i stopped breastfeeding, my legs were pretty much the same though my bottom stayed a little bit more rounded. my measurements were 34C-26-34

i'm hoping to get back to pretty much my pre-twins state in a few months' time!

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Some of you might remember that we had a bit of difficulty with Sir's mum before William was born, and the nasty comments she made about him. Since then she hasn't been back to our house, nor have we visited her, though Sir did phone to let her know that the twins had arrived safely. We decided to leave her be and let her approach us when she was ready, and earlier this week she phoned to ask to come round and see her grandchildren, which happened earlier this afternoon.

Obviously i was very nervous about this visit because i didn't want there to be any conflict or bad atmosphere in the house, but neither did i want her to be prevented from seeing her grandchildren. Poppy really loves her grandma, and it is important for her to see her, but at the same time i wasn't willing to have her in my house if she was going to have a negative attitude towards William - that just wouldn't be fair on him. Sir talked to me before she came and told me to be as relaxed and natural as possible with His mum, and trust Him to deal with any situations which might arise. But in the end she was absolutely fine, partly due to Poppy and partly due to Sir's cunning.

You see, Poppy is very very proud of her new brothers and will excitedly introduce them to any visitor, so when her grandma arrived and after giving Poppy presents, Poppy got the photos out (because the twins were asleep upstairs) and started chatting to her grandma about Finn and "Willum", and her enthusiasm was infectious because when she said "granma holds da babies yes?", Sir's mum replied that she would love to see them, but she didn't want to disturb them if they were asleep. Sir said He would go and check on them, and He came back holding William but said "William is sleeping still so I brought Finn" and winked at me. So Sir's mum spent a while cooing over the baby given to her, rocking him and singing to him, and pronounced him 'adorable'. She gave us some presents for him and was about to give the other presents to Sir, but He said "I'll just go and see if Finn is awake", to which she blinked in surprise and said "I thought this was Finn". Sir very straight-faced replied "is that what I said? No sorry, that's William, Finn was still sleeping" and there was a brilliant moment of surprise when Sir's mum looked down at William and said "he's such a lovely little boy........ I think I was wrong to say the things I did". You have no idea how happy i was to hear her say that, and then Sir went and got Finn and she cooed over him for a while and gave us some presents for him too, and she was just being like a lovely grandma to all 3 children, which is all i ever wanted really.

So it looks like things are going to be fine with the mother-in-law and our children will have 2 grandmas and 1 grandad who love them very much :)

What makes your pussy wet during the day, other than sexual acts? Are there some thoughts, feelings, memories or things that your Owner makes you do that arouses you and that aren't strictly related to sex but make you wet anyway?

Normally things which make me wet are related to sexual things/ Sir teasing me, or i see a picture of some pretty bewbies or i am reminded of something was happened previously where i was aroused. It's not like i get wet while peeling potatoes for Sir's dinner or anything, although i do enjoy serving Him and doing things for Him it's not a sexual enjoyment. So i guess the only times i get wet when perhaps a vanilla person wouldn't are when i kneel for Him and also when He uses certain phrases/names for me such as 'little one' or 'good girl' - even if they're not said in a sexual context they still make me shivery inside.

I was wondering how you sleep comfortably with your hands tied at night, and if you need to use the bathroom, does Sir become upset when you have to wake him? Also aren't you afraid of there being a fire?

Having my wrist cuffs tied to the bedpost is something that no longer happens, not since i got pregnant with Poppy. However when it used to be done every night, to be honest i hardly ever needed to go to the loo in the night and if i did Sir was fine about me waking Him - it would have been weird for Him not to be considering He was the one who made that rule. There was never a safety concern with having my wrists tied because Sir used a certain type of knot that if pulled hard enough would come undone so that if there was an emergency i would have been able to get out. And the rope was made long enough for me to be able to turn over, but not long enough for me to get it wrapped round my neck. After about a week or so i got used to sleeping with my hands up and i actually found it comfroting in a way to be bound like that by my Sir - it made me know that i was His even in my sleep.

Has there ever been a situation when you said something to Sir about a situation and he said you were wrong and went along with his opinion, but it turned out you were right?
Not that i can think of. Although i am a slave, Sir does allow me to express my thoughts and feelings and opinions to Him and He does take them into consideration when making decisions. There have been times when i have gone along with His decision because i have to, but haven't been happy about it, and then it's turned out that Sir was right all along, but i can't think of the reverse happening. The closest example i can think of is when i wanted to send some of my money to help out someone close to me but Sir said no - that's not exactly a right/wrong situation though. And to be honest there may well be a time when it turns out that my opinion on something was 'right' and Sir's decision was 'wrong', He is human after all, but all the times He has rightly guided me will more than make up for any mistakes He might make.

My question is regarding D/s relationships and children, specifically playrooms and children. Although one can keep a playroom locked and off limits to children, at some point they must become curious. How do you address this when the room is discovered?
People seem to get so obsessed over this, as it's a question i have had many times. Our playroom/'dungeon' is in the barn, which is a separate building from our house. It has solid walls, sturdy doors, no windows and is kept completely locked with no way to break in or peek inside. It has been made very secure, so that burglars etc can't break in, so how children will i do not see. Sir has the only key and even i don't know where He keeps it. He only opens it when the children are not at home and will not be back for a long time, and once we are in there He locks the doors from the inside. So how will it be 'discovered' by our children? When i was growing up the shed at the bottom of the garden was off limits to us because it was where my dad kept all his tools and dangerous chemicals etc (not scientific stuff, just white spirit and creosote and the like). i don't remember being the least bit curious or wanting to look in there, i just accepted that it was off limits to me. And i don't see why our children should be any different. If for some unknown reason our children do see inside our playroom somehow, we will deal with it at the time in the best way we can, but i honestly can't see it happening.

Hi libby, i'm fairly new to the scene and i was just asking about how to go about finding my feet. I am a submissive and I want to get to know other subs before I find a Master and/or a Mistress, do you think this sounds like a wussy way out?
No, not at all. i think it is important to get to know more about your own submission, your needs and desires as well as your limits before you enter into any sort of relationship with a Dominant, and one way to do that is to talk to more experienced subs, so you can ask them questions and learn from them. But if you're planning on doing this online, please remember that the majority of people you meet will only have online experience, and many of them are players/fantasists only, so what they tell you may not be relevant to a real-life situation if that is what you're ultimately hoping for. Good luck.

That's all the questions in my formspring account answered now, apart from the really irrelevant ones or the ones which were obviously written by time-wasters (e.g. 'do you fasten your bra at the back and then pull it down, or at the front and then twist it round?') or the ones which weren't questions at all but were comments. Please feel free to ask more questions if you have them.

Ask me anything

congrats on the babies ! And could you give me any advice on how to tell my normal boyfriend that im submissive we've been together for a year and i just dont know how to tell him

i never had this problem as by the time i discovered my submission i wasn't in a relationship so could go looking specifically for a BDSM relationship and ended up with Sir. i know that many other people do have this problem though, and i think from what i've read the advice seems to be to try to gradually show more of your submissive side in subtle ways and see how your boyfriend reacts to it - he might naturally start taking on more of a Dominant role in response, then maybe suggest some light kinky play in the bedroom (tying your wrists to the bedpost with scarves? a bit of light spanking?). Depending on how your boyfriend reacts to these things will determine whether or not you bring the subject up with him and reveal the true depth of your submissive feelings i guess. And good luck.

You know what? i'm feeling so restless that i think i'll take this time to plough through some more of the remaining questions on my formspring account, so bear with me and we'll see how many i can get done:

If a sub's place is at a Master's feet, why is a SLAVE'S place sitting on the floor away from him via online?

Ummmm i don't know how much you have read of this blog and others, but i think you'll find that there are many different types of BDSM relationship out there, some real-life, some long distance, some online only. It's certainly not true that all slaves have online relationships with their Masters (look at me for example - i live with my Master/husband), and it's also not true that a sub's 'place' is at her Master's feet, infact that seems more of a slave thing in my eyes. i don't think we can judge others relationships and situations, so i'm not going to say that all M/s or D/s relationships should be conducted in real-life, i happen to know a very successful M/s relationship conducted via online, telephone and other long-distance means which has been going strong since before Sir and i met. So basically you have the wrong idea about slaves (i would think that more subs tend to have online relationships than slaves do, due to the nature of the dynamics involved) and subs (not all of them would agree that their place is at their Master's feet) and online relationships (they can work very well for some people). But hey, thanks for the question. i guess if you want to know more, you'd need to ask some of the people involved in online relationships - look on my blog list. Next?

Hello! i'm a 21 year old girl in a serious D/s lifestyle type of relationship. This is my first relationship of this kind but feels so natural and right. i was hoping you could give me some ideas for showing a little extra love, obedience and affection.
Firstly, congratulations for finding a relationship which works so well for you and i hope it continues to do so. Every sub will be different in the ways in which they show their love and obedience and every Dom will be different in what they expect from their sub, but i would say in general it just needs observation. Watch for your Dom's habits and try to pre-empt them so instead of Him making a cup of coffee at the same time everyday, He finds that you have it ready for Him. Pick up on how He's feeling at any given time and offer Him things you think He might need - a foot rub, the newspaper, some quiet time alone, a beer, a chat, a long hot bath, etc. Listen to the things He says and remember them to help you serve Him better - does He mention a specific DVD He'd like to watch? a type of jam He's particularly enjoying? His favourite chocolate? a scent he loves on a woman? something He saw advertised that looks interesting? Then go out and get those things for Him without being asked. And lastly, always remember the rules He has set for you and abide by them, learn from your mistakes and try never to make the same one twice and prove to Him that He can trust you to follow His orders in every aspect of your life. That's it really.

Do you think there's anything from your past that has led you to a submissive lifestyle?
If you're talking about a difficult childhood, or past abuse, then no i haven't had any experiences like that. It's controversial anyway whether those types of past experience make someone more susceptible to becoming submissive later on in life, but i happen to think that they do - that's another question altogether though. i would say that looking back i was always showing submissive tendencies by wanting to please people, offering to do things for others, needing to be helpful and useful, etc. So i think it's a natural part of my personality. The only thing from my past that i can pinpoin as actually helping to lead me to the life i have now, is when one of my ex-boyfriends tried out some kinky stuff with me during sex and i found that i really enjoyed being submissive to him in that way. That kind of sparked my curiosity and lead me to investigate this lifestyle further. But on the whole i would say it's an inborn part of me and something i was always destined to discover about myself, no matter what childhood/experiences i might have had.

OK, that'll do for now, but i may well try to answer another batch of questions like this fairly soon. And comments are always appreciated, plus extra questions if you have them.

Ask me anything

Sir and i had a long chat this morning, after He had been fairly quiet the past couple of days thinking about stuff. When He gets like that i know the best thing to do is to leave Him be, stay away from the subject and give Him time to process everything and make His decisions, and He always talks things through with me once He has gotten things clear in His own mind. So this morning we had that talk about William. i'm not going to go into all the details about what we discussed but some decisions got made which i will post here:

- we are very lucky that we have been blessed with such a bright, generous and well-behaved little girl in Poppy, as well as two adorable new baby boys. We know what it is like to lose a child, plus many couples are not able to have any children of their own, let alone 3 like we have right now. The fact that we were surprised by twins this time round makes us doubly lucky, so we have decided not to forget how lucky we are with our family, and to make the most of having them every single day.
- the time when the twins are babies will fly by really quickly, just like it did with Poppy. Having the PND stopped me from fully enjoying her when she was really little, so we know how important it is to appreciate this special time when they are so new and tiny. Whether we spend all our time crying and moaning and fretting and worrying or not, will make no difference to William's condition or prognosis, and could actually be harmful in that it prevents us spending quality time interacting with our children. So we have decided to be as happy and positive as possible, and enjoy these precious first few days, weeks, months and years with our children, having as much fun and laughter as we can, nurturing them and teaching them and helping them to develop, spending time together as a family and giving all our children as many different and stimulating experiences as possible to aid their growth, so that we can all look back on these times with happy memories.
- William has a condition which means he has special needs and is likely to have some medical problems and other challenges to face in his life. This means that we as parents will need to give him extra care, help, support, attention, time and resources. Nobody knows exactly what difficulties he will face or how his condition will present itself and change over time, not even the most experienced doctors in the land, and fretting about what might be will not do William or us or our other children any good. So we have decided to treat William first and foremost as William, our son, as that is what he will always be to us, and to make sure that our other children see him in this way too, to take each day as it comes, to tackle each challenge as it arises, and to get William whatever help and support he needs from outside agencies, from resources and from us as parents so that he can be the best that he can, just as we hope and want for our other children too.

i am feeling a lot more positive after our talk this morning, and reassured now that the appointment with the specialist has been moved forward to 1 1/2 weeks' time. William is still having the episodes which i think are seizures and we have managed to get a couple of different ones on video now (he is doing 3 different types so far as i can tell - he has little jerks of his head and arm now too, lasting a second at a time, but coming in clusters, as well as the repeated arm/leg movements one and the folding inwards and getting very stiff one). Unless his breathing gets compromised, i feel confident to deal with his seizures at home for now, until we can get him hopefully on some meds and see if that controls them any. Thanks to everyone who is keeping us in their thoughts and prayers.

Before i start i want to make it clear that i have Sir's permission to write this post, and that i'm not doing it to get pity or whatever from people who read this blog. i feel sad about what is happening but that doesn't mean that i or Sir or William or any of our family need to be felt sorry for. i was going to write this in my private paper journal but i have found in the past that writing here on my blog tends to get my feelings out better and i could really do with that right now, so that's the option i've chosen. If you choose not to read or don't want to comment, that's up to you.

Lets backtrack a little first. Since he was born William has been having some difficulties getting used to breastfeeding. i have been lucky that Poppy and Finn both took to it like naturals and seemed to know instinctively what to do with only a little initial guidance from me/ the lactation consultants, but William finds if tricky to latch on properly and to co-ordinate the sucking pattern where he actually gets milk for anything beyond 3-4 sucks at a time. This means that he takes 45mins to feed compared to 20mins for Finn and i have been needing to physically help him achieve the latch and hold his head in place to prevent him sliding back to a more shallow position, plus express some milk before bringing him to the breast to prevent him choking on the fast flow. With time and practice though i think he will learn what he needs to do and be able to latch on better himself and finish feeding quicker than at the moment. i'm going to persevere with the breastfeeding because it's the best thing for William and whilst Sir is at home with me i can take the time to let William nurse to his own schedule. Oh and the problems with getting William settled down in his cot after feedings? We seem to have solved that by swaddling him tightly in a blanket in my arms immediately after a feed which instantly relaxes him and makes him sleepy, so that within a few minutes i can lay him in his cot still swaddled and he drifts off without any problems. So that's one thing that's going well.

Now for the not so good news. Yesterday i noticed 2 strange episodes from William that i thought might be seizures. During a feed he suddenly stopped, brought his arm up and into his body and then had repeated little jerking movements of his left arm and left leg, with his eyes fixed to the left and his eyelids flickering. This lasted about 10seconds and he came out of it and continued with the feed. Then he did it again a couple of hours later when i was snuggling with him on the sofa and Sir was able to see it that time and agreed that it didn't look right. i phoned up the doctor and he said that it's possible they were some type of seizure, given William's condition, but that the best thing to do would be to make a note of any episodes which i think could be seizures, writing down the date, time and appearance, and take that with me to William's appointment with the specialist, with any video footage if we can get it. He also said that probably other people wouldn't have noticed it, just me because i work with special kiddies so know what seizures can look like. He said that so long as the episodes were brief, they weren't affecting William's breathing and he didn't keep going in and out of them repeatedly, there was little point in us taking him to the surgery or to the hospital as they wouldn't be able to do anything for us, and the best person to talk to would be the specialist in TS who we already have an appointment with. i felt worried about the seizures, but understood that there isn't much that can be done at the moment.

Then during the 1am feeding last night William had another episode but this time it was more severe - his body seemed to be trying to fold in the middle, his head and legs came in, his arms came up, his eyes rolled up and his lips went very blue. That lasted a few seconds, he seemed to come out of it, then he went into another one and then another one. Sir and i decided to take him straight down to the hospital, so we bundled all 3 children in the car and drove, with me in the back looking after William. He was still going in and out of the seizures for the first part of the journey, but had stopped by the time we got to A&E. They were very good and saw us right away, with a doctor asking lots of questions and checking William's heartrate and breathing and temperature and all that came back fine. He said that from our descriptions it definitely sounded like a seizure but as he had come out of it by himself there was no point in giving him any drugs. William was kept in observation for a couple of hours but he just slept peacefully and there were no more episodes when i next fed him, so we were allowed to come home. i phoned the specialist first thing this morning and he is trying to move William's appointment forward, but as he will need lots of tests including an MRI scan and an EEG he needs to find quite a big chunk of time for it and he wants to be able to give us the results on the same day, so he is going to try to do some juggling of appointments. He is phoning back later to let us know. Otherwise we have to wait a month until the appointment we already have (Sept 20th) and i am scared that William will continue to have these seizures in the meantime. i have seen plenty of seizures before in older children, but it's scary when it's your own child and he is only a tiny baby, plus he isn't on any medication for them and i don't have the emergency meds to give him like many of the other children i have worked with had, and the fact that he had breathing problems during the last episode really worries me. So that's where we're at right now. William has been fine since the 1am problems, but i am keeping a careful eye on him today, and hoping for an appointment soon when the specialist rings back.

Congratulations on the beautiful baby boys! Do you think you and Sir will want to have more kids in the future?

When we first started discussing children, Sir told me that He had always planned on having 3 or 4 kids, and i told Him that ideally i wanted 4, so we set our sights on going for 4 kiddies. But then the twins came along unexpectedly and William has been diagnosed with a condition which nobody yet knows how it's going to affect him or what the effects will be for the rest of the family either. Sir has said that i need to give my body 2 or 3 years to recover from the twins anyway, by which time hopefully we will know more about William's problems and be able to decide whether or not to have another child. There's more to think about now than there was when we first discussed it, but i am confident we can make the right decision together, and if we decide to stop at 3 i'll be very happy with the gorgeous children i have and feel extremely privilged to be their mummy.

Ask me anything

Sir has ordered me to spend some time relaxing on the sofa with my laptop, while He sorts the dinner out for later. i was feeling a bit guilty about the amount of stuff He is doing round the house at the moment, but earlier when i was trying to do the laundry i got very dizzy, so now Sir says my priorities at the moment have to be recuperating and recovering from the birth and looking after the twins (and Poppy too). So i thought i would use this time to give everyone some more details about Finn and William and their birth, seeing as they are happily fed and changed and sleeping right now.

i had been getting painful 'practice' contractions since about 10th August, but they were fairly short and only happened a few times a day. Then during the night of 14th (Sat) i was woken up a few times with pains and twinges in my belly and pelvis, and then from about 3am i started getting some proper contractions, but still spread quite a long way apart. i tried to relax as much as possible in between them and i was able to doze off and get some more sleep which was good. i woke Sir at about 6am to tell Him because by then the contractions were coming more regularly, and He started timing them and also phoned my parents to ask them to come and collect Poppy as soon as they could. Sir phoned the hospital at about 7am and was told that i should have something to eat and drink and then come in, but not to rush unless the contractions suddenly speeded up. So we took our time and made sure everything was ready, and once Poppy had been collected we made our way to the hospital and got there about 8:30am, and i was taken to a room and given the usual check-ups and put on a monitor to see how the twins were doing. (This is one of the things i was really impressed with the hospital about because they had a wireless monitor which meant that i could still move around as much as i wanted to once it was in place. And somehow it was able to track each twin's heartbeat separately as well as mine through one device - it took a bit of time to get it all set up and programmed in but once that was done i was free to change positions and do whatever i wanted and it meant i could also go to the loo when i needed to. i think i would even have been able to use the birthing pool if i wanted to but for some reason that option didn't appeal to me this time round.) i was told on arrival that i was 4cms dilated and the monitor showed that both twins were doing fine in there, not getting distressed at all, so the plan was to go for a natural birth and let things happen in their own time so far as possible. i spent most of the early part of labour sitting on my gymball, rocking back and forth with Sir rubbing my back and belly, or pacing around between contractions, or sitting propped up on the bed, and i was able to use the gas and air to take the edge off the pain like last time. Just like last time my waters broke of their own accord whilst at the hospital and my dilation happened gradually and naturally.

Everything was going smoothly up until about 12:00, then i went into that nasty 'transition' phase just before the urge to push comes, and like last time i found it really hard to cope with. The contractions got so close together that it felt like i wasn't getting any break between them, i couldn't find any position which felt 'right' to be in, there was an awful lot of pressure and discomfort down there, i was shivery and cold and feeling sick, and it made me feel very overwhelmed and panicked. Like last time Sir was there for me and He held me and reassured me and talked me through that scary time, and by about 12:45pm i was checked and told that i was fully dilated and should start pushing when i got the urge. By this time there were loads of people in the room and i was feeling like it was too much and i didn't want my babies born into that kind of chaotic environment, so Sir showed the doctor in charge my birth plan and asked for all non-essential people to leave the room, and lots of them left so there were only a few left and that felt much better. After taking a few moments to calm down and get myself refocused (again with Sir's help) i got into a propped-up sitting position on the bed and started to push William out into this world. Sir talked me through the breathing and the pushing again, just like last time, and i was able to block everything else out and just focus on His voice and i took one contraction at a time, until before i knew it the head was there and the midwife helped me to deliver the head (i hate that feeling too) and then in the next push William was out - at 1:31pm, only 5 hours after we had arrived at the hospital! i was worried if he was ok because he didn't cry at first and he wasn't nice and pink like Poppy had been but kind of purple-blue instead, but he was checked over and pronounced 'fit and healthy' and placed on my chest for a few moments while we rubbed him down with a towel (by then he was crying which i took to be a good sign). William weighed 6lbs 5oz when he was born and had an apgar score of 7 both times (which is at the low end of 'healthy').

They weren't sure how long it would be until my contractions started up again, but it was literally minutes and then they came back really strong and i was pushing again to get Finn out. In some ways he was much easier than William, i guess because William had made a path for him to follow but it was harder to push because it felt like i couldn't feel the muscles in my tummy anymore (apparently that is normal with twin births so the midwife and Sir pressed their hands onto my belly to give me something to push against). Finn's head was crowning within minutes of me starting pushing and His head seemed to ease out without any trouble and then the rest of him slipped out in the next push - at 1:36pm, only 5 minutes after William had arrived! i was surprised by how easy it had been to deliver him, but very relieved as well because i was quite tired by that point. He was checked over and also pronounced fine, and i could tell that he was because he started to cry straight away and was nice and pink. Finn weighed 5lbs 14oz, a little less than William but still a good weight for a twin, and his apgar scores were 8 and 9 which is very good. Both boys were put onto my tummy/chest, wrapped in their towels and then once we had rubbed them down they were transferred to blankets. i was given an injection to speed up the delivery of the placentas and to minimise the bleeding involved which can be very heavy with twin births, but by that stage i didn't even notice the injection or the delivery of the placentas really. i was just so amazed by my two beautiful boys. Finn stopped crying fairly quickly once he was given to me and he gave me this special look which let me know who he was. William was still protesting his arrival into this world, but stopped when i put him to my breast. i couldn't get him to latch on properly, but he was content to nuzzle there for a while and it seemed to calm him.

Both the twins didn't actually feed until about an hour later, after we had been moved into another room and they had been given their eye-drops and injections, and i had been checked and cleaned up and made comfortable (no episiostomy and just one little tear which they have left to heal on its own). The lactation consultant worked with me quite a bit during my time in the hospital because William was found to have difficulties obtaining a secure latch onto the breast and also problems with co-ordinating his suck-swallow pattern. i was given some tips to help him such as gently manipulating his jaw to get the 'gape' necessary, and we found that holding him in the 'rugby ball' position under my arm seems to help him stayed latched on better once we have achieved it initially. Also i have to express some of the milk from my breast before putting William to it as otherwise he gets overwhelmed by how fast it comes out at first and chokes. And when he stops sucking for longer than a few seconds i am to gently stroke his cheek and if that doesn't work i am to gently squeeze my breast towards his mouth to get him started again. Finn has taken to the breast like a natural from the very first time and will feed for 20mins solid and be nice and full and happily drift off to sleep when i lay him down in his cot, but William takes about 45mins to feed sufficiently and needs some help with it. William is also rather difficult to get settled afterwards, if we just put him into his cot he gets very cross and cries and cries, even if we sing to him and reassure him. So i have to get him drifting off to sleep in my arms before i lay him down, otherwise he wakes Finn up again and we have both of them crying! But we are learning these things fast and able to adapt what we do to the needs of our boys, so it's ok.

Oh i forgot to say that the placentas were investigated and showed that the boys are definitely not identical, they came from two separate eggs which happen to have been released at the same time. That makes sense with William's genetic condition anyway, but we wanted to know for sure. So far William seems fine, just the minor difficulties with breastfeeding and settling to sleep that i have mentioned, but he is a happy baby apart from that and responds to me and Sir when we talk to him, and especially to Poppy when she sings to him just like she did when he was in my belly! Poppy came to the hospital with Sir to collect us on 16th (Mon) and she was absolutely amazed by her new brothers and so excited. She kept saying "babies out!", then putting her ear to my belly and tapping it saying "no babies here", and whenever a nurse or doctor came into the room she pointed to her brothers saying "Finn 'n Willum" to introduce them! We got her a dolly from the boys, complete with nappies and a bottle and a bath, so she can feed/change/bathe her baby when i'm doing the same for the twins. So far she has been content just to watch and fetch things for me as my little helper, but i think the time will come when she starts to resent how much time i have to spend looking after the twins, and then the dolly might come in useful. i was also worried that she would be woken up every time the twins cried in the night, but she just seems to sleep through it, which is good, though she has said an indignant "sssssh babies!" when they cry during the day! i also didn't know how she would react at being taken to nursery, leaving me behind with the twins, but she waves bye to us cheerily as her daddy takes her out to the car and is reportedly happy there all day, coming in the door at home to kiss me and the boys and say an enthusiastic "hello mama, lubs you!" "hello babies, lubs you!" as soon as she arrives. So it looks like our little family are going to be just fine, and now that i've met William i feel even more confident that we can help him through whatever challenges his condition may present him with in the future.

Thanks for reading, please ask questions if you want to!

Thanks to everyone for the messages of support after hearing that i went into labour yesterday. We got to the hospital at 8:30am and the boys arrived just after 1:30pm so it was a fairly speedy birth. i was able to give birth to both boys naturally, as i had hoped, and i just used the gas and air so no nasty epidurals or anything. i didn't have an episiostomy but there was a little tear down there, but the nurse said it will heal fine by itself so no stitches.

William was born first at 1:31pm weighing 6lbs 5oz, with an apgar score of 7 after 1 min and 7 after 5 mins, and Finn was born next at 1:36pm weighing 5lbs 14oz, with an apgar score of 8 after 1 min and 9 after 5 mins. Both boys were checked and found to be fine and they were both able to breastfeed shortly after being born, though William has been finding it more tricky to latch on successfully and to co-ordinate his suck-swallow pattern. But the lactation consultant spent quite a bit of time with us yesterday and has shown me some tips to help him so hopefully he will gradually get the hang of it. i stayed in the hospital last night with the boys in the room with me and then this morning Sir came to get us with Poppy and brought us all home.

i'll write a longer post about the birth and about my new baby boys when i get time, too tired for now, but very very happy :)
P.S. Sir has set up a site where you can see a pic of the boys and leave messages if you want to:
http://www.tribbit.com/tribute/1047480.html

the news that i have been waiting for for so long..... my babies are on their way! i have been getting twinges and pains during the night, then since the early hours of this morning they turned into proper contractions getting more and more regular. Now they are about 20-30 minutes apart and Sir has phoned the hospital and they told us to get some breakfast and then go down there. Just waiting for my parents to come and collect Poppy and then we'll be on our way! Soooo excited to finally meet my baby boys :) Sir is going to stay in hospital overnight with us tonight, but He's promised to come on here tomorrow and let everyone know how things are going.

See you soon,
libby
xxxx

you seem so unsure of yourself and so not confident at all :( Why do you want someone doing everything for you?

two points to answer here:
1. i wouldn't label myself as unsure or not confident. Yes i am naturally shy and take time to get to know people, and i'm more of an introvert than an extrovert, but not to a worrying extent. i have friends and chat to people and get on well with the people i (used to) work with and am capable of socialising at parties and so on. And i am sure and confident enough in myself to have managed to find a husband, run a household, hold down a job and bring up a child without any major hiccups. Infact i would say that since becoming Sir's slave i have become more sure of myself and more confident in all aspects of my life and i continue to do so daily. Not entirely sure which parts of my blog have led you to think otherwise, but we all have moments of doubt, concerns about the future and ponderings over mistakes made, and i'm not going to stop blogging about those.

2. Sir doesn't do everything for me. As i said before i keep the house running smoothly, work when not on maternity leave, bring up a daughter (and soon 2 sons as well), and so on. What Sir does is give me rules and restrictions which i must abide by and follow, and i must always carry out any additional orders He gives me. That's very different to having someone do everything for me, infact in our relationship it's more the other way round and i do lots of things for Sir that 'normal' wives wouldn't do for their husbands, not because He's not capable of doing them for Himself but because i want to do them for Him and need to do them to fulfill my slave desires/yearnings. And the reason i accept Sir controlling me is that i am innately a slave, it's part of my nature to serve and obey and follow and please, that's what makes me happiest and fulfilled so that's the lifestyle i have chosen.

Ask me anything

There's been quite a few questions on my formspring page recently from people thinking of entering into a relationship 'like mine and Sir's'. It made me wonder whether i have glamorised the life of a slave in some way, whether i have focused too much on the good stuff and left out much of the bad, or whether the fact that i am pregnant so not subject to all the usual rules and restrictions has made it seem 'easier' than it actually is. i don't want to be negative about my life or the BDSM lifestyle in general, because i truly believe that for me it was and still is the right choice, and i am happy with my life. But i do want to write a quick post about some of the realities of being a slave and what people need to think about before they commit themselves to this type of lifestyle.

Obviously i can only talk about my own experiences here, but i think that's fine as from what i've read me and Sir seem to fall somewhere in the middle of the M/s range - there are those slaves who have far less rules and restrictions than me, and there are those who have far less freedoms and privileges than i do. So my case will hopefully give a general picture of what it is to be a slave without going to either extreme, which are probably far less common than may otherwise be thought. (And yes i have a super-preggie brain today, flitting around all over the place, so please bear with me - i'm having to just type whatever comes into my head as i don't have time to think about it or edit it before typing it out, else i would lose it entirely).

When i became Sir's slave and got collared by Him i handed over all control of my life to Him - a one-time decision that from then on He would be in complete charge of what i did in all aspects of my life. This meant many changes and was not a decision to be taken lightly, as the only way to go back on it would be to give up being Sir's slave and to leave Him/walk away. It meant throwing out many of my clothes and most of my underwear as it wasn't to Sir's liking and getting used to only wearing panties to work and wearing nothing but a basque and stockings when walking round the house. It meant waiting for permission before speaking to Him, having to choose my words carefully, always speak respectfully, remember my manners and never swear or use bad words. It meant having every aspect of my life open to Him, telling Him all my feelings, worries, fears, hopes, desires, difficulties, etc or being punished if He felt that i was keeping something from Him. It meant getting used to writing everything down in a paper diary, and later on a blog as well. It meant having to answer every question from Him truthfully, even when i really didn't want to or didn't think He would like the answer or worried that it would make things difficult between us. It meant remembering to ask permission before doing anything - leaving the room, going to the toilet, getting a tissue, getting a drink, taking a shower, getting into bed, even washing-up or clearing the table or doing the ironing. It meant only being able to eat at mealtimes and not snack in between unless Sir said i could, which meant i could no longer help myself to a packet of crisps or a chocolate bar or even a piece of fruit when i wanted to. It meant stripping naked whenever Sir told me to, and always being naked in bed and when doing chores. It meant getting used to being naked in front of Sir's Dom/me friends when they came to visit or when we went to their houses or parties. It meant no longer being allowed to sit on the toilet seat or close the bathroom door. It meant having to shower in cold water for 3 minutes every time and having to wait for permission to dry myself afterwards. It meant having to spend longer on my hygiene routines, and having to keep my body the way He liked it with my pussy completely shaved, everything clean and only using the products He chose for me (which meant i had to throw away most of my favourite perfumes, etc). It meant being physically inspected by Sir and having to learn this process as well as many other slave positions which He could ask me to assume at any time. It meant sometimes being used as furniture for Sir without complaint. It meant adapting to new routines, such as making sure to be ready in the hallway to greet Sir when He arrived home from work, remembering all the steps in the going to bed ritual or the getting up in the morning ritual or the waiting to eat dinner ritual, because if i forgot too often i would be punished. It meant accepting being told off or disciplined or physically punished by Sir, even when sometimes i hadn't purposefully done anything wrong. It meant getting used to sleeping with a buttplug in and my wrist cuffs tied to the bedpost. It meant asking permission to use furniture and getting used to spending a lot of time kneeling or sitting on the floor. It meant being available for Sir's sexual use at any time, even when i didn't feel like it or wasn't well or not in the mood. It meant sometimes waking up in the middle of the night to be told to suck Sir's cock or be used by Him and having to accept this. It meant having to be trained or used by some of Sir's Dom/me friends and get over my embarrassment at this. It meant going through some pretty tough training and having to try my best with every task, even the disgusting or painful or scary ones. It meant doing things i didn't want to do and would never have willingly chosen to do. It meant learning all of Sir's likes and preferences and making sure to remember them and provide for them and pre-empt them. It meant teaching myself not to cross my legs when sitting or to slouch in chairs any more. It meant not being able to masturbate or touch myself sexually anymore unless told to, and having to do so when i didn't feel at all sexual if Sir wanted to watch me. It meant having to ask permission before cumming and often being told "no", so having no sexual release at times. It meant getting used to a lot of pain and discomfort. It meant having to change from using tampons during my period to using a 'mooncup' because Sir told me to. It meant having to ask permission before listening to the radio, putting a CD on, reading a book or magazine, watching TV or a DVD. It meant remembering to shut down my computer and get ready for bed before a certain time, rather than when i felt tired. It meant putting the needs of my Master first in every situation before my own. It meant accepting Sir's decisions without being able to argue back or disagree.

It meant a lot of sacrifice, but ultimately it meant i was truly happy for the first time. Would it mean those same things for you?

On the right day this week, and nice and early too! Last week someone commented that my 'Friday fill-ins' showed that i was obviously excited about the imminent birth of my twins, and to be honest it will probably come out that way this week too as they are the main thing on my mind right now :) So here we go:

1. Life is.... full of baby preparations and thoughts and hopes and dreams (and a few worries and questions) at the moment.

2. my whole body is full of aches and pains and twinges and hurty bits and i just want these babies out of me, but all i can do is take each day at a time and .... keep going.

3. my last text message ended in these three words: love You Sir!

4. Anything with melted cheese on top .... is what i'm thinking about for dinner sometime soon.

5. On the 1st day of August.... i felt excited because this is the month my twins should be born in (unless they decide to go to 40 weeks, which is at the beginning of September).

6. i love the way Poppy is so enthusiastic about life and starts each day off so happy and .... lively and energetic.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight i'm looking forward to.... watching the Big Brother eviction, tomorrow my plans include.... spending time with Poppy, doing some painting together and watching her play and Sunday i want to.... spend some time in the garden if the weather is nice but not too hot.

How often does marriage occur in D/s relationships? Is it OK to want my Master to marry me before whe start living together and exploring our relationship beyond it's current online/phone status? Thanks

i'm not sure how often marriage occurs in D/s relationships, but for those that start out with the people going into it having their D/s roles defined and knowing that they want that kind of dynamic i would think that marriage occurs in about the same ratio as it does in vanilla relationships. Maybe more due to the intensity of D/s relationships, maybe less due to the 'play partner' agreement of some such pairings which you tend to find less in the vanilla world; not sure.

But i do know that what happens in quite a lot of cases is that one partner in a vanilla marriage comes to realise their Dominant or submissive tendencies and if they get round to talking to their partner about it very often the feelings are not replicated by their other half. Which means that quite a number of BDSM-inclined people are stuck in marriages which don't meet those needs. So i guess what i'm saying is that there are less D/s marriages around than potentially there could be.

i can't really comment on your individual case as each relationship is different, just as in the vanilla world. But i would say listen to your heart and your head and you won't go far wrong. i'm going to answer a couple of other related questions here as well, as i seem to be on a roll:

Do you know of any blogs about other slaves that are married?
If you check out the blogs in my list at the side, quite a few of them are by subs/slaves who are married or in a permanent relationship: kaya (Under His Hand), turiya (Spirited Meanderings), Alice (Sweet Surrender), cassie (with a sense of pride), Emma (Ramblings of a kajira), mina (At Longing's End) to mention a few, plus Luna (BDSM is Love) is engaged to her Master and swan (The Heron Clan) is part of a M/s/s poly marriage. Happy reading!

This feels odd to ask but my husband and i are looking into starting a similar relationship and i'm wondering if you're happy. Not just happy to please but happy. Do you still go for movies and to the park?
Yes, i am very very happy being in a married M/s relationship, and yes that goes beyond being happy to please/serve into more general happiness with my life. All aspects of me are fulfilled in this relationship and i am the happiest i have ever been. Having said that, i am aware that i am lucky and quite privileged in my relationship and that i am allowed to do things that some other slaves are not - for example Sir does take me to the cinema, to restaurants, out for walks and trips and holidays, He treats me to spa days and i am allowed to join clubs and groups and go to them regularly, visit friends and family, etc, etc. But even if He took all that away tomorrow, and my whole life revolved around looking after the children and serving Sir, i think i would still be happy. Things like going to the cinema and walking in the woods are extras which help to keep me happy and well-balanced as a person, but they're not necessary to keep me happy as a slave. If that makes sense. But each M/s relationship will be different and be aware that once you have given your consent, technically your Master does not have to provide you with anything beyond the basics - food, water, shelter - so make sure you know what you're getting into and is that really the level of control you want to hand over?

Ask me anything

Today is my birthday and i am 31! In a way that sounds old, but when i think about the fact that very soon i will be the mother of 3 children, then it doesn't seem that old at all! This morning Sir brought Poppy into our room and she proudly gave me a card she had made and a pillow with her photo on the pillowcase (apparently when Sir asked her what she wanted to get me for my birthday she was adamant that i needed a pillow!), then she kissed me and said "birfday mama, birfday babies" (according to her it must be the twins' birthday too) - she is so sweet :)

Sir got me a beautiful necklace - it is the one worn by Arwen the elf queen in Lord of the Rings, encrusted with diamonds and is very very lovely. Sir says that i remind Him of Arwen in that film which is why He got it and also because me and Him will love each other forever and that necklace symbolises her elf immortality. It made me cry when He gave it to me and now i'm going to wear it for the rest of the day. i have already received some presents from my friends and family, including vouchers and gift certificates, lots of lovely pampering stuff for new mummies and some nice clothes.

Sir has just taken Poppy to nursery, then He is coming back to spend the day with me as He took the day off work :) He won't say what He has planned, just that He hopes the weather holds out, so it must be something outside. It's looking bright and sunny at the moment with a nice breeze, so hopefully it will be a lovely day whatever He has planned. Happy birthday me, and please don't choose to come today Finn and William (but you're welcome to come any day from tomorrow onwards!)

This morning i went for another scan, as i have them booked in every week now until i give birth. Everything looked good on the scan, and the lady doing it said that William is coming up for 6lbs and Finn is about 5 1/2lbs now, so they are both good weights. It was a bit harder to see William because he is tucked in behind Finn, but eventually she got a good look at him and he has dropped into position really well and looks all ready to be born, with Finn also in a great position to come out second!

Oh, and i am 30% effaced and 1cm dilated, so things are starting to happen. But the person who predicted my twins would be born today, sorry but it doesn't look like it! If you want to, you can guess their birth date on my poll!

Yesterday Sir's mum came round to our house for dinner, as previously arranged. i have always got on well with her before and she is a very loving grandma to Poppy so i wasn't anticipating any problems. But during dinner something happened that really upset me.

Suddenly she started talking about William, asking us if we were sure we'd thought through all the options before making our decision about him. i tried simply saying "yes we have, thank-you" but she wouldn't let it drop and kept on questioning us, saying things like "there are places you can send those types of children, people who would be willing to take him off your hands" and "do you think it's fair for Poppy and Finn to have a brother like that who will take up most of your time, money and attention?" i was getting very upset by what she was saying, but trying not to show it because Poppy was at the table with us and so far she was oblivious to what was going on, despite perking at the mention of hers and her brothers' names. Sir took Poppy through to the other room to watch the TV for a few moments while we 'tidied up the table' and He told His mother kindly but firmly that we did not agree with her opinion, did not appreciate her bringing it up during dinner in our house and He would not have her upsetting me when i am so close to my time for giving birth. Then He told her it would be better if she left and He showed her out to her car.

Sir did speak to me a little about it after she left, but i was too upset to say much without being nasty about His mother and i didn't want to do that. But last night i was able to have a very helpful talk with someone in the P&H chatroom who calmed me and gave me some good advice (thank you!) and then this morning Sir talked the incident through with me when i was feeling calmer about it and He explained that His mother probably hadn't meant to hurt us and that she was trying to look out for our needs as well as her grandchildren's. He also reminded me that His mum comes from a different generation when children like William were viewed in a different way, and that it will just take time for her to get to know him and then most likely she will love him the same as her other grandchildren. i really hope He is right because i want all of our children to spend time with their grandparents, but i don't want that to happen if she is going to be nasty to or about William. Sir has said that He will phone her in a couple of days and explain to her how she upset us both and tell her our views on William and how he will be a precious part of our family and we would like her to treat him the same as Poppy and Finn. He has said that she won't be invited back to our house until she agrees to treat all of our children the same, even if that is quite a while after the twins are born, but we will see what happens.

i am feeling much calmer about the situation now, just sad that William is facing prejudice before he is even born. But i am hopeful that Sir and i can help him to overcome it by showing people what a beautiful little boy he is, and how in most ways he is just the same as other babies, even if he does have a few differences. Oh and btw Sir gave me permission to write about this here incase you were wondering, so it's not like i'm slagging off His mum behind His back or anything. Thanks for listening.