a submissive's musings: September 2010

formspring.me #55

I've never been abused by either parents or boy-friends. Most D/s blogs I've seen show at least one have them have been abused. Is it true? Can a person who is not abused, in anyway, feel submissive?

The question of abuse related to being a submissive is a contentious one, with many people claiming there is no link. But i too have noticed just how many of the sub/slave bloggers out there have suffered abuse in the past, and i truly do think that there is some kind of link between the two. (Just for the record, i think that having a submissive personality makes someone more vulnerable to abuse especially when they are younger and don't understand this aspect of themselves yet. And i also think that being abused can 'wake up' dormant submissive tendencies in a person that might otherwise have lain undiscovered.)

But i myself have never been abused and i don't think it is necessary to have been abused in order to be or feel submissive. i think that submissiveness is a natural personality trait and that people like you and i can discover it inside us through other means than abuse. And as far as i can tell neither type of submissive is 'better' than the other, so i don't really see that it matters how you discover this aspect of yourself, what's more important is how you choose to act upon and develop it.

Ask me anything

So the past few weeks have been pretty hard on both me and Sir, trying to adjust to suddenly having 2 newborns in the mix as well as Poppy, coping with William's difficulties, trying to take in everything the consultant told us after his tests, worrying about the future and researching everything we can on his condition to try to find something positive we can do for him. As i wrote in my last post, this has meant that our priorities have altered slightly, and the focus is no longer on our M/s relationship like it once was, instead it's on our family, specifically our children and our role as parents.

But i am very fortunate in that i have an extremely strong and knowledgeable Sir and He has been maintaining the feeling of control over me even when we haven't been able to physically demonstrate it very much. Then yesterday morning i woke up to find Him spooning with me, which is one of my favourite positions as it makes me feel very safe and protected as well as very little. And as i wriggled back against Him more i could feel His hardness poking into my back. Now, because i haven't yet been given the all-clear from the doctor to resume sexual activities Sir has not used me since i gave birth, but i thought i should offer Him a blowjob to give Him some relief so i started to turn over to face Him and got a growled "Where do you think you're going?" in my ear. That should have been enough to warn me but i was sleepy still, so when Sir's next move was to reach up and squeeze my titties i automatically blurted out "nooooo not my bewbies".

"So you're telling me what to do now?" was the next growled comment, and i barely had time to choke out a quick "no Sir, sorry Sir" before His hands were all over me pinching and grabbing and squeezing and twisting; making me whimper and have to bite down on the pillow to keep from waking the children up (Finn and William sleep in our room at the moment so i can be near to them in the night). When He'd finished i was a little puddle of submissive goo, laying there taking it all, breathing hard from the effort of enduring it in silence, with a rather large puddle of my juices underneath me. Then Sir had me kneel by the side of the bed, whilst He sat on the edge and used my mouth to suck His cock until He came all over my face and titties. After He let me stay kneeling there for a while, my head resting on His lap, just taking in the emotions of the whole thing, feeling grounded and at peace and in my place again.

And then it was time to feed and change the twins and get Poppy up and prepare the breakfast for everyone. Content in the knowledge that no matter what life throws at us, Sir and i will always be Master and slave.

This week has made me realise more than ever that sometimes things happen in our lives which cause us to re-evaluate and reassess the priorities we had previously. i was feeling very nervous about this week because Sir went back to work after taking 4 weeks' paternity leave, and i was worried about having to look after both twins by myself from 8:30am to 5:00pm every day. Part of me doubted that i could do it, or thought that even if i did manage i would be very stressed and not able to provide the kind of calm but stimulating activities that i want for my children. In the end the week has been easier than i anticipated, and i am no longer worried about my ability to be a good mum to both of our twins, and Poppy as well. But i has caused me to have a rethink in some areas.

When i first moved in with Sir as His collared slave i guess i had a bit of an idealised version in my head of how things would be. And because it was only us in the house, to some extents and purposes that idealised vision became reality - i had an extensive list of rules about using the furniture, asking permission for things, kneeling at Sir's feet, 'presenting' myself to Him, my dress code for being in the house, personal hygiene, etc. which i was expected to follow. And there were plenty of protocols and rituals throughout the day to keep me reminded of my new status and place within the relationship. Had we continued living as just us two, i suspect that i would still be clinging to those protocols and rituals and feeling that they were vital to my happiness as a slave.

However, our lives have taken a somewhat different route and we now find ourselves with three young children under the age of 3 years, one of whom has significant difficulties and will have for the rest of his life. Suddenly, the idealised image of me as a slave, kneeling at Sir's feet doesn't seem as important anymore, and our focus swings to how best to care for and raise all of our children, meeting all of their needs as well as we can, whilst still finding time to connect as a married couple and as a Master and slave. It has become very clear to me over time, and especially in the past few months, that the outward trappings of slavery are of very little importance to actually maintaining a functioning M/s relationship, and that in reality i don't miss them all that much and certainly have no desire to return to them given what i have now instead with a house full of children who need me to be their mummy.

Yes i am still Sir's slave, and yes the dynamic still exists between us and is evident in very subtle ways in how we interact. Yes i will always need rules and restrictions and orders to follow and comply with, and yes i will always crave and benefit from being used and hurt and trained and 'played' with. But at the moment our main priority is getting things as stable as possible with William's health, finding out about programmes and therapies which we can get him started on even at this early stage, and balancing his needs with the competing demands on our time and attention from the other two children. The M/s necessarily has to fade into the background for a while, but because we have built up such a secure base we can focus on being mummy and daddy at the moment without being worried that our Master and slave sides will crumble or suffer. And when we have got things more settled with regards to the family side of our lives, we will be able to pick up with the M/s side again from where we left off and get a better balance back into our days and weeks and months and years.

But for now Sir and i have reprioritised, and we are both fine with that.

Haven't been in the mood to blog this week as it's been a bit of a down and sad week to be honest. Some of it is postnatal hormones, some is trying to care for William and some is nerves about next week. Because Sir's paternity leave is now over and He goes back to work on Monday.

After having Poppy i was fine with Sir going back to work, i felt confident about looking after her by myself and arranged lots of activities for us to go out and do together (mummy and baby clubs and the like). But it's different with the twins - because there's two of them which makes feeding and changing and transporting them twice as hard and twice as time-consuming, and also because of William's problems which i will now be dealing with by myself for much of the day. So if he has a seizure i have to look after him and make the decision on what to do, and if there are any other difficulties i have to deal with them by myself. And it won't be so easy to get out of the house like last time because by the time i've washed and dressed and fed both twins and got everything we need ready and set up the double pram and put them into it, i then have to either walk somewhere or try to get on the bus with the pram and all our stuff, and then when we're out i have to find somewhere to change their nappies and breastfeed somewhere semi-private and i have to feed them seperately when out in public because it's impossible to be discrete doing both at once, so it takes twice as long. And many of the clubs and activities arranged for young babies will be difficult for me to do with two - such as swimming or yoga or massage or whatever. my mum has said that she'll support me with some of them, but i don't want to burden her too much, and anyway i feel like they are my babies so i should figure out a way to cope on my own.

i'm sure it will all be fine once i get used to it, but at times it just seems like such a lot to be coping with and i get worried that i won't be good enough and my days will be filled with lurching from one problem to another and the twins won't get the care or stimulation they need and i won't enjoy being with them.

What's your favorite beverage? How often do you drink it?

my favourite hot drink is hot chocolate, but i don't actually drink it that often to be honest. It's more of an occasional treat, it's kind of a comfort thing for me. i used to drink more tea than i do now, but cut down when i was preggie due to the caffeine and now i hardly ever have tea at all.
Cold drinks i like fruit juice the best and drink loads of it, which is really good for me too :)

How tall are you and Sir?
i am 5ft8 and Sir is 6ft2.

If you could live anywhere in the world you wanted where would it be?

i loved visiting Asia when i went there and i really want to see more of it some day. But i wouldn't like to live anywhere else in the world except for Britain. i love everything about Britain, especially the countryside, and there would be too many things i would miss about it if i ever left.

Thanks for the questions, more answers to come!

Ask me anything

Earlier this week Sir and i had our 3 year collaring anniversary. **OMG!! After writing this post i realised it is actually 4 years! That just shows you how frazzled my brain is recently!!**

Neither of us were in a mood to 'celebrate' it exactly, as it was the day after we'd taken William for all those tests and we were both still processing the results and what they would mean for our little boy. But we did acknowledge what the day was and exchanged gifts and spent some time by ourselves just snuggling together and enjoying each other.

When i think about the fact that i have been collared for 3 (4) years, it doesn't sound very long and it makes me think that i should still be quite a 'new' slave, but in reality it feels like i have been with Sir for a very long time and i am quite an experienced slave in terms of His requirements. i think that part of that is because of everything else that has happened during that time, more vanilla things if you like - we have had 3 children together, experienced a miscarriage as well, gotten engaged, then married and gone on honeymoon, built a dungeon, had our garage converted, refitted our kitchen.... and now we are having to deal with one of our children having a serious lifelong condition. Quite a lot for 3 years huh?

i have also changed a lot as a slave since i was first collared by Sir - and i mean that in two different ways. i have changed in that i have made progress and developed and become more experienced, but i have also changed due to becoming a wife and mother as well as a slave. In some ways it has been difficult to keep the two forms of changes balanced and working together because in some ways they are contradictory, and it has often been difficult to keep advancing and progressing as a slave whilst also adapting to our changing circumstances. If i had known in the beginning how my life would be now i think i probably wouldn't have entered into this relationship, because back then i was convinced that i needed the 24/7 control, complete with all the rules, rituals, routines etc. that went with that. i was guilty of thinking that in order to be happy as a slave i needed to be naked or near naked at all times when around Sir, to kneel at His feet whenever we were together, to ask permission to do anything within the house, to be available sexually to Him at all times, and so on. And in the beginning it was like that and i was very pleased. But i quickly came to realise that all those things are outward trappings only and not necessary to true fulfillment as a slave. The mental and internal aspects started to take over, so that it didn't matter that lots of the trappings fell away when we had Poppy and even more so now that we have our baby twins as well. i no longer need to kneel at Sir's feet to feel our respective positions in the household, or to wander round the house wearing just my collar and a basque in order to be reminded of who i am. i have moved on from that, and i'm glad that i have because i've been able to find a much deeper acceptance of myself inside and feel comfortable and confident in who and what i am, even though most of the time i seem like quite a 'normal' wife and mother to those on the outside.

Thank You Sir for all You have done in training and shaping me the past three (or four) years, and for our three beautiful children. Thank You for allowing me to become Your wife as well as Your slave, for sticking by me through the tough times and for giving me more happy memories than i can even begin to count. And thank You for bringing me to this point in my life where i feel i can truly be myself and be fulfilled in every way possible. i love You Sir and i am Yours always and all ways.

i've been a bit quiet this week, both here and elsewhere in general. Most of that was due to William's appointment at the specialist TS clinic on Wednesday which i was very nervous about. We had to go all day and there were various tests done - some to confirm the tuberous sclerosis diagnosis (which was 'definitely' confirmed) and some to find out more about his seizures and brain damage. The actual tests themselves weren't as traumatic as i feared they might be, and William was calm throughout, even managing to sleep through a great deal of them. The people doing the tests were really understanding and explained the procedures carefully to us, letting us get William settled, giving us time until we were ready, allowing me to stay with him through all the tests, and providing us with time and space to feed and change both twins when necessary.

The EEG test showed signs of electrical activity in William's brain consistent with seizurous activity. From looking at the different brainwave patterns and the video evidence we took with us, the neurologist we spoke to said that he does seem to be having epileptic seizures but because his brain is still developing it is too early to be able to diagnose the exact types of seizures he is having. Therefore he has been put on a general epilepsy med for the time being, starting off at a low dose and gradually increasing over the next 2 weeks to the correct dose for his weight. Hopefully this will help to control or lessen the seizures until he is a bit older when the EEG will be able to show the different types of seizures he is experiencing and then he can be given meds better suited to controlling these different types. (Phenobarbitol is the name of the medicine William is on at the moment).

The MRI scan showed numerous cortical tubers (areas of damaged brain) in every area of William's brain, with most of them in the frontal lobes and parietal regions. There may also be two subependymal nodules (benign growths in the ventricles of the brain which can calcify over time and turn into SEGAs which can cause a blockage and hydrocephalus and need emergency surgery), but he would need further scans to confirm these. We were told that due to the location of the tubers William is likely to have delays and/or continued difficulties in the following areas: visual and verbal memory, organising thoughts, planning, problem solving, attention, behaviour, emotions, understanding of speech and language, peripheral vision, coordination of limb movements, processing sensations. i was very sad that the tubers were so numerous and so widespread, but there's nothing we can do about it and we just have to make the most of the things William can learn to do.

So far William has been taking his meds from a small syringe with no problems and there has been a reduction in the number of seizures, though he still has the 'big' ones which interfere with his breathing. Finn now cries everytime William has one of these which is useful to alert us in the night if we haven't already woken up. We've also been put on a waiting list to receive a seizure alarm which fits under the mattress and detects movements associated with seizures, for when we are ready to move the twins into their own bedroom. That will help to give me peace of mind to sleep at night, knowing i will be alerted if William needs me.

Think that's all for now, still trying to process the results and the implications myself. Oh, and William's genetic results are not back yet so we don't know which chromosomes are involved in his particular case, which can affect the severity and prognosis to some extent, so we continue to wait and see. It has been confirmed though that neither me or Sir have the syndrome so we were told that any future babies we had would only have a 4% chance of having TS which is reassuring news, though William would have a 50% chance of having children with the syndrome if he gets to that stage.