a submissive's musings: October 2010

formspring.me #60

Has Sir ever done something that you felt was a step too far?

Not exactly, but i have been nervous about some of my training and worried that i wouldn't be able to cope with it. Usually it all works out fine and Sir guides me through it, and even if i find it difficult i don't feel that it's 'too far'. Of course sometimes a piece of training or a play session goes wrong (such as when i had a very bad reaction to being whipped with the single tail whip), but i wouldn't say that Sir 'went too far' on those occasions as you can never really predict how someone will react to different things. Sir is really good at supporting me when i get panicky and have a melt-down in a session, which fortunately hasn't happened too often.

Sometimes i have also been nervous about some of the other things Sir has required of me - such as serving naked at a dinner, or training with another Dom in front of other people, or being used by a Domme. And often i feel that i'm not ready for those things yet, but it's more to do with lack of confidence in myself than feeling that Sir is going a step too far/too fast. And usually i find that i do much better in those challenges than i expect to. i have always found that Sir is a good judge of me and my needs, and He has always matched my training very well to where i'm at at that particular time and what the next step must be. i think that's part of being a good Dom, just like a teacher would. To be honest, at this stage in our dynamic, even if i did think Sir was requiring too much of me or going a step too far, i would likely go along with it because i trust Him so much to know my limits and capabilities even more than i do. It's possible that He would make a mistake, because He is only human after all, but i wouldn't hold it against Him just like Sir doesn't hold my mistakes against me. Hope that answered your question.

Ask me anything

Yeah, i know i'm a day early, but we started our Halloween celebrations today so i thought i might as well write this blog post now. i lovvvvvve Halloween, to me it's all about dressing up and letting your hair down and having fun. And i love the way that kids can get involved too by putting on a costume, feeling goopy stuff, eating and drinking special 'scary' foods and especially by going 'trick or treating'. Poppy is participating in that for the first time this year and she is so excited. Sir has agreed to take her round to the houses nearby, where we know people, so that she will be safe, and we know from last year that virtually everyone here gets treats in ready and plays along for the kids so she should have a great time. i'm staying in to look after the boys and pass out our own treats to any kids who come knocking. We haven't had time to decorate the house and outside quite as well as last year, but it still looks pretty good and Poppy and i had fun carving the pumpkins this morning before we went into town to enjoy the Halloween festivities there (though Poppy did get scared of a giant spider walking down the street - controlled by 8 people, one to each leg!)

i've got some really cute costumes for the children this year too - Poppy asked to be a shark (her favourite animal) so i had to make hers as i couldn't find one small enough for her. But she's really pleased with it and can't wait to put it on tomorrow, for the party we're going to and then for trick or treating. And i bought some really cute costumes for the boys: a pumpkin for Finn and a Frankenstein for William:

They both look sooooooooooo gorgeous in their outfits :)

Happy Halloween everyone, i hope you have a great weekend and enjoy it whatever you end up doing!

Someone asked me something last night in the P&H chatroom which got me thinking hard about a facet of me i've not really thought about for a while. It's related to jealousy and insecurity and has to do with being in a poly relationship, but also goes deeper than that because it applies to Sir using other subs/slaves as well.

Basically i was asked whether i ever serve other Dom/mes sexually in real-life (the answer is yes), whether i have ever been in a threesome with Sir and another Man (again, yes), and then whether Sir has other subs/slaves serve Him sexually (the answer is no) and whether i have ever been in a threesome with Sir and another girl (again, no). And as i was answering these questions the same old feelings of jealousy and insecurity arose in me when i even considered the possibility of Sir using another sub or even a vanilla girl in any sexual way at all. (He has been served drinks etc by other subs at parties, and has contributed to the training of His Dom friends' subs by carrying out a flogging, etc, but that's as far as He goes).

Which seems like such a contradiction because i am very happy to scene online with other Dom/mes and subs, flirt and play sexually with other girls in real-life, and i have even enjoyed aspects of my training where i am used by other Dom/mes in real-life too. But as soon as it comes to any other sub serving my Sir or being used by my Sir i get very very worried and insecure and jealous. Of course if Sir decided that He was going to use another sub or play with another girl, there's nothing i could do about it and i would have to do my best to accept it - i know that and i went into this relationship fully aware of the fact that Sir can do whatever He likes and there will be times when i find that difficult. But after thinking through the various feelings involved i think i have come to some conclusions about why there may be such a different attitude towards 'sharing' the other person between me and my Sir:

i think it's all to do with the different roles we have in the dynamic and the different mindsets we have because of that. Sir is happy for me to scene with other Dom/mes online because He is secure in the knowledge that He owns me real-life and can have me in a way that they will never be able to. He also sees it of benefit to my development as a slave that interact with other Dom/mes in different ways and learn different ways of doing things, different requirements and protocols etc, and it can help further my training to practice online something which He later requires of me in real-life. Because He is the Master and can stop this online scening or put restrictions on it at any time, He does not feel jealous or insecure about it in any way, whereas if Sir decided to start scening with other subs online i would have no control over it and would feel very worried that they might be better than me, that His needs would be being met elsewhere and He would no longer have a need for me, that maybe they would replace me. This would be even more true for a real-life situation, should He start playing sexually with other subs in that sense.

i'm not sure i've explained it very well, but basically i think it comes down to the fact that a slave's role is to serve and meet needs, whereas a Master's role is to use and have His needs met. It is much easier for the slave to be replaced by others online or in real-life than the Master, or at least it seems it to me looking in from the outside imagining other girls serving my Sir. In reality i know that there is a lot more than just the physical/sexual aspect of BDSM and Sir would never replace me with another girl (i hope!), but that sureity would be threatened by any feeling that He was having to get His needs met elsewhere because i couldn't provide for Him. Also i think the lack of control that slaves have about the situation makes their anxieties worse because for the Dom He can choose which people to allow His slave to serve/scene with, and alter the restrictions and requirements at any time, whereas the sub has no say in any of it and certainly can't put limits on who her Master chooses to play with or how He goes about it.

Did that post even make sense? i know in my head what i'm trying to say but it seems to be coming out garbled today.

i've wanted a discussions widget for a while now, so that people can do more than just comment on posts or comment on other people's comments, but i haven't been able to find a suitable one until now. If you look in the sidebar, you'll see a 'linebuzz' discussions widget, which i hope lots of you will use. The idea is that when you're reading one of my posts, if something catches your eye that you'd like to comment on, agree with, disagree with, add more info about, describe your personal experiences related to, ask a question, challenge, etc... then highlight the sentence with your mouse and you can then add a comment which will appear in the discussion box at the side. Then hopefully me and other readers will join in your discussion and add our own views and answers and experiences, etc.

If it doesn't work out i'll remove it, but i'm hopeful we can get some good BDSM-related discussions going here, so please join in a discussion or create your own (by highlighting text within one of my posts) - thanks :)

I have no idea how you manage it all. You're a mom, a full time slave, and a full time blogger. I'm sure you get annoyed at some of the silly things people say/ask on both Formspring and your Blog. What's the dumbest question you've been asked so far?

Prolly 'what's the dumbest question you've been asked so far?'.... sorry only joking but i just couldn't resist! i've had a fair few questions which were obviously people messing around such as 'do you fasten your bra at the front and twist it round, or at the back and pull it down?' - who the heck really needs to know that? And sometimes people leave comments rather than questions in my formspring box, even though there's separate comment boxes for that further down. But on the whole i try to answer every question, even if they're critical or negative. Because i think my responses to those types of question might help people understand TTWD a bit better. (And btw, i don't think i'm amazing to be able to be a slave, mummy and blogger - it's a question of all 3 of those roles working together to keep me balanced and sane!)

Your answer about your (amazing) physique got me wondering what Sir's is!If you could see me now you prolly wouldn't use the word 'amazing' to describe my body as i still have a jellybelly from the twins. i'm working on it but it's not gone yet. But to me, Sir's physique is amazing and perfect and just how i like it in a man. He is 6'2 tall, fairly muscular but not overly so (not in a bodybuilder sense!), with strong thighs and nice biceps and He has that lovely line/groove running diagonally down between His tummy and His hips, if you know what i mean. He has some chest hair, but not loads and a happy trail (line of hair running down from the bellybutton) which i loveeeeee. He has a firm bottom and a nice cock (of the perfect length in my view!). And He has big strong hands, again which i love in a man. He has short dark hair and He keeps his face shaved but lets some stubble show through, again which i find very sexy. He has lovely eyes which are very expressive and can make me melt or freeze or cringe, depending on which emotion they're showing. And He has a great smile and good teeth. Anything else? Oh yes, He's still got most of His hair, no signs of going bald yet :)

If your life was a song, what would the title be?Crikey, i've never really thought about anything like this before. i guess something like 'true colours' because i feel that by entering into a M/s relationship i have become true to who i am and also it's how i like to live my life in general (not by being "out" to everyone, but by being honest and genuine and sticking by what i believe in).

Ask me anything

Sometimes i have to remind myself that Poppy is not even 2 1/2 yet, because in many ways she seems so much older than that. Some of it is because she is so bright and is doing things that are normally beyond a child of her age - for example she can recognise her own name written down, count to 10, use plurals, pronouns and tenses, and is beginning to learn some letter sounds. Not because we have been pushy parents, but because she is naturally inquisitive and wants to learn and she just seems to soak things up like a sponge. Her nursery are talking about sending her to French classes a year earlier than usual, because she is so advanced in her language development, and me and Sir are still considering this. We want her to be a little girl, but we also want her to be stimulated and supported to meet her full potential.

Another way in which Poppy has had to grow up and be older than her years is in her response to William. She knew before he was born that he had a 'poorly head' and she promised to help him, and she has, in so many ways. Not because we tell her to or expect it of her, but because she chooses to and wants to. For example this morning while i was making the breakfast i heard Poppy call me from the living room "Mummy, Willum poorly head" and when i went through he was having a seizure, with Poppy calmly sitting there reassuring both boys "it ok babies". What other 2 year old would be able to do this? She just amazes me every day and i'm so very proud of her. i think it will be good for her to grow up with an understanding of people with disabilities or special needs, but i just hope she doesn't come to resent having William as a brother.

i am very blessed to have my 3 gorgeous, wonderful children, each so unique in their characters and talents. i will try never to forget that.

i had my punishment (or 'attitude adjustment' as Sir called it) this morning while Poppy was at her grandparents' and the twins were safely sleeping. i didn't want to write about it here but Sir says i have to, so this is what happened:

i was hogtied on the lounge floor with a harness gag attached to an anal hook, clothespegs between my toes and across my bottom cheeks and clover clamps on my nipples. Then Sir gave me a lecture about what i did wrong and the importance of me having the correct attitude towards Him at all times. Then after a long time He untied me and it was all forgiven.

i'm still very sad that my behaviour was bad enough to merit a punishment, but very relieved that it is over with now and me and Sir can move on. i absolutely hate punishments, partly because they are painful (and not in a good way, or at least i can't process the pain in a pleasurable way) and partly because i know Sir is disappointed in me and i have let Him down. And to make this punishment worse, Sir took photos of me and emailed them to His Dom friends telling them about my 'attitude adjustment' so now they all know that i screwed up and wasn't a good slave to my Sir. And so presumably do their subs/slaves.

i'm very sorry i let You down Sir and i will try much much harder in future.

So i woke up today in a very strange mood - happiness mixed with snarkiness - and unfortunately all day i have been directing my snarky, bratty, sulky mood towards Sir. i didn't exactly do it on purpose, but i was aware of it happening and didn't really make efforts to correct myself, even when Sir pulled me up on it a few times. So now i have been informed that when Poppy is at her grandparents' tomorrow morning, i will be punished for my attitude today.

A punishment?! i haven't had to receive a proper punishment from Sir in literally years, and i'm so ashamed of myself that i've let my behaviour get to the point where it is necessary for Him to punish me to bring me back into line. i'm also cross with myself for not doing something about it when i realised that i was being snarky to Sir, and i certainly should have heeded His warnings and reined myself in then. But i didn't, so i have to deal with the consequences. Feeling very down and quiet right now, not looking forward to tomorrow at all. Especially as i have no idea what the punishment will entail. And knowing that i am to be punished, but having to wait for it is so much worse than getting it over with straight away. So i think i'd better remember that the next time i decide to act up or be rude to Sir.

i don't even know why i did it today. There was no reason for me to feel pissy or snappy, and every reason to be happy - William is doing well at the moment, it's the weekend, Sir has some time off work next week, Halloween and then Christmas are approaching, etc. Maybe i did it to 'test' Sir out in some way? i know i consciously did that a couple of times when we were first together to see whether He would enforce the rules or not. And i quickly found out that He would, every time, so i stopped testing the boundaries. But this time i haven't made any conscious decision to do the same, unless perhaps the slave inside of me is needing to check that the old rules and restrictions still apply even though i am the mummy of 2 new little boys, one of whom has difficulties? i know that i have been missing some of the M/s time we used to share together, and it seems like we were able to get back into that much quicker after Poppy was born. None of that is Sir's fault, and He is doing His best to keep the M/s side of our relationship going the best we can in the circumstances we are in, but most of our time, energy and attention is on the twins and William in particular. i can't say that i resent that, but perhaps a part of me does and is trying to get my slave needs met? Seems like a bit of a silly way to go about it if that's what is happening, but who knows?

In any case, i messed up and i'll have to deal with the consequences. Gulp.

Sir has taken the day off work "sick" today so that He can help me look after the boys whilst recovering from having an IUS inserted yesterday. i'm not feeling too bad too be honest, but it's nice to have Him around and it gives me a chance to relax and catch up with my blog whilst the twins are sleeping :) i've had a topic rattling around in my brain for the past few days, related to something that happened in the BDSM chatroom i visit. And i thought i would take this chance to explain a few things about chatting in a D/s capacity online, that some people find annoying or confusing.

How this topic came about is that smeone questioned some of the rules of the P&H chatroom. From what i understand different D/s rooms have different rules, and to many people the P&H room can seem like it has too many rules or too restrictive rules, but i actually find the rules helpful on most occasions and can see the need for them. Basically the rules of the room are:
1. subs take lower-case nicks and Dom/mes take upper-case nicks (this is so that everyone knows how each person identifies within the BDSM realm); male subs put a -m after their nick (to avoid any nasty surprises of a Dom thinking they are interacting with a girl when they're not!); and switches are required to leave the room to change from a sub to a Dom or vice-versa (again to avoid confusion about roles).
2. subs are required to greet every Dom/me who enters the room, and use "Sir" or "Ma'am" as appropriate when speaking to them.
3. subs are expected to be respectful towards Dom/mes, not be rude or bratty or overstep the line (this doesn't mean we have to sit there in silence, or not join in conversations, or never make a joke though).

In addition to the rules, many subs choose to use a lowercase "i" when talking about themselves, and uppercase "You", "He", "Her", etc when addressing or referring to Dom/mes. Some take this further and go down the whole "A/all", "T/their" route when addressing mixed groups of subs and Dom/mes, though i know some people find this annoying. To be honest the whole BDSM chatroom thing is viewed in quite a negative light by lots of real-life BDSMers, some of which is justified due to the large numbers of players and wanabees in those places, but some of it is due to misunderstanding the online way of life. Basically in order to make people's roles and identities clear in a text-based medium it is necessary to do things differently than how one would in a real-life situation, say a BDSM event or party etc. Or even a real-life interaction with your Master as opposed to one online. Because we rely so heavily on body language and tone of voice, it means that respect and deference are automatically given without speaking in a real-life situation, whereas online because you can't see the person you have to find other ways of getting these across - hence all the "Sir"s and "Ma'am"s, the uppercase/lowercase stuff, the over-flowery scenes just to serve a glass of water, the sometimes too flamboyant nicks, etc. They're all just attempts to establish one own's role and identity, make it clear to others who each person is in a D/s way, and show the traits relevant to one's place.

If that makes sense. i know that some people take it too far, some take it too seriously, some abuse the online anonymity and some don't have a clue what BDSM really entails. But in my experience there are enough genuine Dom/mes and subs on there to make it worthwhile spending time with them, chatting about experiences and views, interacting in D/s ways, perhaps even trying out some scening or training. It all adds to my overall development as a slave, and makes me feel that i am not so alone in all this, and not so 'different' after all.

So yes it is necessary to have rules about upper and lowercase nicks, about using "Sir" and "Ma'am", and all those other things because without them we're just a bunch of people chatting about kinky stuff and getting confused about who is who and what is what.

formspring.me #58

Hello. I am a naturally submissive person - I am with someone who is new to it, but he has embraced everything. I would really like to try kneeling for him, but I'm worried as to his reaction. Is there a way I could try it discretely? Sorry, I have no idea!

It's always hard to advise other people as i don't know the details of their relationship or personalities. But on the whole i would say that in a relationship where both people are aware of and willing to embrace the D/s aspect, then kneeling is something that will happen naturally. Perhaps at first when you are interacting in a D/s way in other aspects, or when you are feeling particularly submissive, or even when He is sitting on the sofa and you come into the room and just kneel next to His feet. It doesn't have to be a big thing, and you will soon be able to see His reaction to it and judge how to take it forward. Kneeling is something i particularly enjoy and i hope you get to enjoy it too :)

If your online blog is used to talk about your relationship thoughts honestly, why do you also have a diary? Or is that for recording different things?my paper diary is used mainly for 3 things:
- as a vanilla diary would be, for recording the details of what has happened each day, for recording memories etc.
- for recording specific details of training sessions, play sessions, rule reminders or changes, things Sir wants me to work on, small improvements, etc. that would take up too much room here and be very boring for others to read.
- private thoughts and feelings that i just don't want to share here but that i want to record to come back to at another time.

Can you recommend any BDSM events/munches/get togethers in your area?Sorry but me and Sir don't go to any munches because He has concerns over our privacy, and though we have been to some play parties up in London i am not allowed to say where or who organised them. But i know there's lots of stuff happening in London in particular, so i'm sure you can find something suitable for you.

I'm interested in becoming a submissive, but I have "daddy issues". Should this deter me from becoming a sub? Or can i get past it?There's many different types of BDSM relationships and only some of them have the "Daddy" element to them. i would say that if you have "daddy issues", then i would steer clear of this type of relationship in a BDSM interaction and you will be fine. Personally i do not think about Sir in a "Daddy" type way and we do not currently have any interactions which include this element, but if we were to explore this in future then i think i'd be ok with it. i would recommend you focus on the Dominant/submissive or Master/slave aspect instead and then once that is secure and solid, perhaps you can start exploring some of your "daddy issues" with someone you trust. Good luck.

What were some of the tasks Sir had you do when your relationship was online?Mainly research tasks about an aspect of submission, which we would then discuss during one of our online chats, or perhaps making a list of my limits or interests or desires or fears or questions, again to discuss with Him. He was also teaching me during this time, and He would have me practice some of these things as homework and report back to Him - things like slave positions or correct kneeling technique or work on my posture or little rituals, things like that. i'm sure there was more tasks that He used to set me, but i forget them now, they were so long ago (or it seems like it!). But there is a link from my sidebar for online tasks that you can check out if you want :)

Ask me anything

This is an update on William and other family issues, so if you're looking for BDSM stuff you might want to skip this post......

- this week William has been quite poorly with his seizures, he seems to be having more of the bad ones where his breathing gets funny, and he is getting upset by them now and will cry afterwards when he comes out of them. Sometimes he has a few in a row, which seem to really upset him and it can take a while to calm him down afterwards. Finn gets scared by them too, and he will start crying as soon as William starts having one of the big seizures, so then i have a crying Finn to comfort and a poorly William to watch and a crying William to also comfort in between seizures, which is obviously very stressful. If his seizures continue to be this bad we will take William back to the doctor for a reassessment of his meds.

- Sir wrote a letter to the yoga teacher (i didn't see it, so don't know what it said) and he had already contacted His lawyer incase that didn't work, but the letter seemed to do the job because Sir got a phone call a couple of days later from the yoga lady to say that she had made a hasty decision which she now admits was a mistake and she will be happy for me, Finn and William to come back to the classes if we want. And she has agreed to continue working with Finn each week, so i can look after and work with William. So that's great news, and we will be going along again this week and every week after - and maybe i will have a flatter tummy by Christmas! The mother-in-law issue has not been sorted so successfully, but Sir phoned her up and explained how hurt we were by her actions, and that we will not accept anyone treating our children differently, and that until she is willing to treat all 3 of the children the same she will not be welcome in our house and we will not be bringing the children to visit her either. The ball is now in her court so to speak, and we will wait and see what happens.....

- William had an appointment this week at the 'early intervention clinic'. They did lots of quick assessments on him so as not to stress him out too much, and from what they can tell he is already delayed in his physical development and will benefit from physiotherapy to help him meet physical milestones such as grasping and reaching and holding his head up and using his arms and legs. So we now have a physio who will be coming out to the house once a week initially to devise a programme of exercises for William, and then after a while i will be left to do the programme with him and it will be reviewed every few months and updated as necessary. Also we have been put into a special needs babies group at the clinic, meeting one a week where us mums can meet up and chat through our issues and support each other, and we do a group therapy session with our babies using stretches and movements and songs and games. And i can take Finn along too, so it's all looking good on the 'help for William' front as i know that the early we start intervention programmes the better his long-term prognosis will be.

- Sir has been thinking about the future too and is making some plans. He is looking into the cost of having our loft converted so that we can have one of the kid's bedrooms up there and probably a little bathroom, and then either a playroom/den or a sensory/therapy room for William. Sir has really been reading up about the benefits to disabled children of sensory therapy, motor therapy, soft play, etc. and He is keen that we can provide those things for William at home rather than having to always go out to a specialised clinic or centre. Also if we do decide to have another baby we will need another bedroom as currently we only have 3 - for me and Sir, for Poppy and for the twins - or even if we don't add to our family it may well be that Finn will need a separate bedroom from William in the future to give him some space to himself. i was worried about how we would be able to afford this loft conversion and all the equipment that we would need for a sensory room/soft play room, etc. but Sir has thought of that too and is looking into remortgaging the house as we only have 4 more years left to pay on it and we would be able to afford to pay more on the mortgage than we currently do, Sir has a good job and brings in a decent wage, but we would prefer to have the money available to us when we need it rather than waiting until we have saved up or whatever. That way we can get William what he needs when he needs it without taking away from our other children. So there's an idea that needs more thinking about.

- i'm due to go back to the doctor's this week to talk about my contraception needs because i definitely don't want to get pregnant again before we're ready (and it seems that i'm super fertile when it comes to Sir!). my doctor doesn't think the pill is a good choice for me because a couple of the brands give me bad headaches and i've been able to fall pregnant whilst still taking other types, so maybe not the pill! Sir will only use condoms for so long before He gets annoyed with them, so we need to find a different method, and i was having injections every 3 months after i had Poppy, but long-term use is not recommended with those due to side effects (i forget what exactly but i think it could be osteoperosis or certain types of cancers or something). So i have been looking into either the implant or the coil/IUD - i've read a bit about them online, but i would really appreciate anyone with personal experience of these methods contacting me to give me your opinions on them - how much do they hurt to get fitted? did you have problems with heavier periods or breakthrough bleeding or more cramping? did they move out of position or feel uncomfortable? how easy were they to remove? how easy was it to get pregnant after removal? etc. - thankssssssssss!

i think that's all for now, thanks for reading this far if you have :)

OK, trying this again because i decided to answer some of the shorter questions on here earlier, and then lost the post. So here goes:

Do you believe in "soul mates"?

Yes i do believe in soul mates, both the love/romantic kind and the friends kind. i believe that there are people who have a special connection between them that goes deeper than ordinary love or friendship because they are destined to be together and their souls bond in some way. And i also believe that i have found 2 of my soul mates in Sir and flame and i will have a bond with them forever, no matter what else happens in our lives.

What does your perfect day look like?

Any day which includes time spent with Finn, William, Poppy and Sir, where everyone is happy and contented and well, is a good day to me. Add in a nice little family outing somewhere, the sound of Poppy's laughter, Finn's happy coos and William's new happy noise, a seizure-free day for William, good food that i haven't had to cook, plus some time for me and Sir to connect as Master/slave and husband/wife and that sounds pretty perfect!

How often do you read your horoscope? Do you believe you possess the qualities of your astrological sign?
i never read my horoscope because i don't really believe in all that stuff. i find it hard to understand how 1 in every 12 people can have the same experiences on a given day, just because of the date they happened to be born on. And i definitely don't have many of the typical characteristics of my star-sign, "Leo" at all: i am not dominant, nor extrovert, nor super-confident, nor a born leader, and i hope i am not arrogant, or haughty.

If you could relive one moment from your life which would you choose?

A tricky question and i'm afraid i have to cheat and choose more than one. i would say that the best moments of my life, the ones i would want to relive if i could, were exchanging our vows at our collaring ceremony, exchanging our vows on our wedding day, and the first time i held each of my babies. So sorry that's 5 moments, but i can't choose between them.

Do you think it's possible to be in love with more than one person at the same time?
Yes. i am currently in love with Sir and with flame, in different ways, but i would still class it as being 'in love' with both of them. People don't find it strange that we can love more than one of our children at once, or have more than one friend at a time, so i don't see why the concept of being in love with more than one person at a time should be so weird. And i think it makes evolutionary sense for us to be that way as well.

Ask me anything

This is a very contentious topic in BDSM circles: whether it is possible to be truly '24/7' in a M/s relationship and whether a TPE (Total Power Exchange) relationship can exist in reality. i'm not going to discuss the various arguments and debates and points of view here, i'm just going to make a simple statement: i believe that Sir and i are in a 24/7 TPE relationship. i honestly don't care if other people see our relationship in the same way or not, whether they would classify us as something else under the BDSM umbrella or whether they even believe such a relationship is possible. Instead i'm going to write in a bit more detail about the dynamic between me and Sir, and why i think it does qualify as both 24/7 and TPE.

24/7: Even though Sir and i live together, we are obviously not physically with each other 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Sir goes out to work full-time during the week and sometimes He needs His space when He is home. But to me that's not what 24/7 refers to anyway. Nobody would question that a husband and wife are married to each other 24/7 or a mother is a parent of a child 24/7, even when those people are apart, and i think it's the same if not more so for a M/s relationship. Because i am a slave i have to follow Sir's rules and instructions at all times, which includes time spent away from Him, so His control and influence permeates every aspect of my life. If i'm buying food in the supermarket, or making myself something for lunch, or tidying up the house, or deciding what to do whilst the twins are sleeping, i have to keep in mind Sir's rules and regulations and preferences. Even if there isn't a specific rule governing an area of my life, i am always aware of what Sir requires or desires or prefers, and where i can i will choose to do things in a way i know He would approve of. And if i choose to do something in a way contrary to His preferences i had better be ready to explain myself to Him later, and if i choose to break one of His rules i had better be prepared to be punished for it when He finds out. Thus it only appears on the surface that i am free to make my own decisions, and set my own daily schedule, and run the household in the way that i choose, but really underneath it all i am doing everything by Sir's rules. And i wouldn't want it any other way.

TPE: The fact that i signed myself over to Sir as His slave, gives Him consent to do whatever He wants with me. Obviously some choices could lead to Him being prosecuted and some choices would be seen as irresponsible or abusive or whatever by many people - but to be honest i don't expect Sir to go down those routes anyway. TPE to me means that i have given control over every aspect of my life to Sir and must be governed by His decisions in any aspect. Yes, He has chosen to give me an equal voice in any decisions involving the children, but He didn't have to do that and if He hadn't i would have had to suck it up and deal with it. If He told me i could never work again, or He told me to go out and get a job as a stripper, again i would have to accept His decision and deal with it. If He told me to get my hair shaved off or dyed pink, the same. If He told me to ditch my best friend and never talk to her again, the same..... You get the idea. Just because He hasn't told me to do those things, doesn't negate the fact that we are in a TPE relationship - the fact that He could if He wanted and the fact that i would obey shows that He does have total power over me.

Thanks for listening, whatever your personal view happens to be :)

Today we went to the farm on a family day out. Poppy loves all animals, especially ones she can touch and stroke and feed, and she was in her element naming all the different types of animals to the twins "Look babies, it's cows!", "Look babies, it's sheeps!", etc. We bought plenty of animal food and she had a lovely happy morning trotting in and out of the animal pens, petting and feeding the sheep, goats, pot-bellied pigs, ducks, chickens and rabbits.

We took our own lunch and found a nice picnic bench under the trees to enjoy it in, and it was far enough away from the main path for me to feel comfortable to nurse both boys at once which made a change, because usually in public i end up feeding them one at a time. Both Finn and William were happy and contented, enjoying the fresh air and Poppy's happy chatter and the various farm noises around them. i remember looking at my little family and feeling very very lucky to have such gorgeous children and such a wonderful Sir :)

After lunch Poppy wanted to do all the "fun stuffs" that the farm had to offer apart from the animals, so she played in the various play areas, sand pits, ball pools, etc. and took a trailer ride with Sir while i waited with the twins by the duck pond. One of the ducks started quacking rather loudly and all of a sudden William did this little surprised look at the sound and then he made a happy noise in response for the first time ever! Finn has been making a variety of coos and other happy noises for a while now, but William has remained silent except for crying and screaming when he is upset or cross, so it was wonderful to be able to witness a happy sound from him :) He even repeated it a few times when Poppy and Sir had rejoined us, every time the duck quacked again! Poppy was very proud and kept saying "good boy Willum!" and "babies happy at the farm", and she chose a little duck toy that makes a quacking noise when you squeeze it for William in the shop "cos Willum likes dem ducks". She also chose a mooing cow toy for Finn and surprised me by selecting a farmyard colouring book for herself rather than a soft toy. She is growing up so fast!

So a happy day for everyone today, and a reminder for me not to be too put off by other people - i do have a lovely family and i am the one who gets to enjoy it so i'm not going to worry what other may think.

So today two things happened to make me really cross, both of them connected to William and both examples of how people are discriminating against him already and he is not even 2 months old yet. If i wasn't so cross i would probably be upset, but that will likely come later. i haven't had a chance to speak to Sir about these things yet, but i know He will be ok with me venting about them here, and maybe He will be able to make me feel a bit better about them when we do discuss the issues later. But for now i am angry and needing to write it all down.

Issue 1: for the past couple of weeks i have been going to a special yoga class for new mummies and their babies. The idea is to give us some gentle exercise, help our bodies get back to their pre-pregnancy state as well as providing the babies with some stimulation and gentle movements to help them too. The lady who runs the class seemed really nice the first week i turned up and she took Finn for the session, using him as an example during each part of the class so that i could have William. Lots of the exercises involve lifting and moving your baby in certain ways or doing things like leg lifts with your baby lying on you, so i wouldn't have been able to do these things without completely leaving one of the twins out of it, or splitting my time between the two of them somehow, and with William's level of patience that didn't seem like a very good idea, so i was more than happy for her to work with Finn as he is such a contented little boy and was fine with this.

Then this week i got there a little early and was chatting to the lady and she suggested taking William this week so that i could get a chance to work with Finn. i told her it was a lovely idea, but William is not very tolerant of people he doesn't know and also he has seizures so i would prefer to keep him with me. i explained a little about his condition, and then paused as she had a very weird look on her face. Then she told me that perhaps this class wasn't suitable for us after all as she didn't want any of the other mums to get upset should they witness William having a seizure and also she wasn't sure her insurance policy would cover him. i told her that i would take William out if he became unwell and i would take full responsibility for including him in the session, but she continued saying she didn't think we should continue coming and then she announced that she wouldn't be able to keep working with Finn each week as 'it wasn't fair on the other mums'. This was the first time she had mentioned not being able to help out with Finn and i knew it was an excuse not to have us there, but as i am the only mum of twins who goes there i couldn't prove that she was usually willing to help out with one of the babies so i took the boys and left. i don't think we will be going back to that class, which is a shame because both of the boys really liked it and it was good for me too. But i don't see what i can do as i can't prove she is being discriminatory.

Issue 2: Sir's mum popped round this afternoon and brought several large presents wrapped up "for Finn". i asked her where William's presents were and she said that he wouldn't be able to use the toys she had bought for Finn as "he doesn't do anything yet", so she hadn't wanted to waste her money on things he can't use. i got very upset and asked her to leave, and gave her the presents back still wrapped, because this is just the kind of attitude i thought she'd got past, but it seems she hasn't and i am worried she will have this attitude forever with the boys. It's true that William is already behind Finn in his development and he isn't reaching out and grasping objects like Finn is nor looking at and tracking things the same way that most babies his age are, but that doesn't mean that he shouldn't have stimulating toys and surely she could have got something he would like and be interested in.

So i am feeling very angry and hurt and protective of my little William, who hasn't done anything wrong except be born.

I am not in anyway submissive but I want to submit. Does that make sense? Most people take a look at me and think I make all decisions and that I am a control freak. In a way they are right. but I would love to give up control to the right person.

i think there are different types of submissive. Some are like me and have always shown submissive tendencies, wanting to please people and help them and do things for them their whole life. Although i am not exactly 'submissive' to everyone and can be in charge of a team of people at work, stand up for myself with family and friends, give my opinions, make decisions for myself etc. i do still have noticeable personality characteristics which make me tend to listen rather than talk, follow rather than lead, agree rather than argue, obey rather than act out, etc. All of these characteristics are super-enhanced with the right person (i.e. my Sir, but also with certain other Dom/mes i know well and trust and have a connection with) ,but they are there inside me in most situations anyway.

Other submissives are more like you, and are in many ways the opposite of submissive in their normal everyday life. Their natural personality causes them to be a leader, to be confident and decisive, to be ambitious and a go-getter, to fight for what they believe in and stick to their guns, to be in charge and assume control. Looking at them from the outside most people would assume they would be the Dom/me in any D/s relationship. But hidden deep within this type of sub is the need to go against their normal persona and give up this control, to be free of it, to experience the release of having someone else be in charge and making the decisions for a change. i think this type of sub needs the right Dom/me even more than my type of sub does, and possibly they will only ever be able to submit to one person in their lifetime, hence it is very important for them to find the right Dom/me for them.

As in so many aspects of the BDSM lifestyle, there is no one right way to do things, and i think the relationship between the Dom and sub is the most important factor, not whether the sub is submissive in other situations or not. And good luck!

Ask me anything

Since a couple of months before having the twins, Sir has not used me sexually in my pussy. But on Monday i had my 6-week check up with the doctor, along with the twins. He said that i have healed fine since the birth and pronounced me fine to start having sex again and also to start some exercising. i half expected Sir to jump in and start using me as soon as i told Him the news, but He has been very restrained and waited nearly a whole week since i got the all clear.

This morning after i had nursed the babies and laid them back down to sleep, Sir got out the sensory play box and my wrist cuffs and i knew it was time. i felt really nervous because i was so scared that it would hurt when He used me again or maybe i would have closed up down there and He wouldn't be able to get inside at all. But Sir's face told me He was determined and it's not like i have a choice in these things anyway, so i dropped down into my super-submissive place in my head and went with it.

First Sir put on my wrist cuffs and tied them to the bedpost so my arms were over my head, then He teased me for what seemed like ages with the many things in the sensory play box. Some of them felt wonderful and some made me squeal and squirm, and some made me very very wet, especially the wartenburg wheel when He used it on my outer pussy lips. And then suddenly the hitachi was between my legs with the instruction "Don't you dare cum, hold it libs!" and i had a whole different problem holding back for absolutely ages as Sir tortured me. And then just as suddenly the hitachi was gone and in one movement Sir was pushing His cock inside me before i even realised what was happening. And i slipped completely into my special place inside where i get all floaty and just lay back and enjoyed the sensations until Sir's voice in my ear said "Cum now libs!" and i did, along with Him.

It was just the best way possible to get back into being used sexually. And it reaffirmed even more that i am His. Thank-You Sir :)