a submissive's musings: November 2010

William has been admitted to hospital, following some nasty seizures today. The doctors are working to get his seizures back under control; they have said it could take several days. Please keep William in your thoughts - thankyou.

Update (30th November):
William has been transferred to a hospital with a specialist children's epilepsy centre, for further tests. libby and Finn are staying overnight with him. Thank-you for all the supportive messages.

Update (1st December):
William is now off the feeding tube and has resumed breastfeeding. He is also a lot more alert, now that the effects of the diazepam have worn off. He had several tests today, including 2 different MRI scans and a MEG scan. He is now undergoing a video EEG overnight and tomorrow morning, then myself and libby have a meeting with the consultant tomorrow afternoon to discuss the results of all these tests. libby and Finn continue to stay with William at the hospital, with myself and Poppy visiting every day. With some luck William will be back home soon.

Update (2nd December):
We had a long chat with the consultant today, and are now better informed about the types and severity of seizures William is currently experiencing, and likely to experience in the future. We have made some joint decisions with the consultant on the best ways to treat these seizures and will be adding a new medication (Keppra) to the anticonvulsant that William currently takes daily (Phenobarbitol), as well as starting him on a short course of ACTH injections and taking supplies of diazepam home, which we can use to try to bring him out of a seizure in future if it becomes necessary. We are hoping to bring William home tomorrow, providing he seems stable overnight tonight. Thank-you all for your continued support during this difficult time.

Peter

Update for 3rd December:
William is home!! He hated being in the hospital, so i was eager to get him back home and the doctors were happy that his seizures have settled down again so they let us all come home today - it's sooooo good to be back, and in time for the weekend too! (And it snowed lots while William was in hospital so we can enjoy playing out in it this weekend) :) Thanks everyone for all the lovely comments, they helped keep me going whilst staying with William at the hospital (Sir printed them off for me every day when He came to visit us).

libby
xxxxx

Is there anything about BDSM that you dislike or disagree with?

Because BDSM refers to and encompasses such a wide variety of activities and lifestyles, there's quite a lot of things that i would not do myself and don't necessarily agree with, but most of those are personal preferences and i have no problems with other people doing/liking them. There's a few things like bestiality, breathplay and total isolation from the outside world that i consider 'wrong' from a moral, ethical or safety point of view, but on the whole i stick by the whole 'your kink is not my kink, but your kink is OK' philosophy.

Is it necessary to always say "being used" don't you think that cheapens the act?In a way i don't think it matters what words different people use to refer to different things - if someone chooses to say 'fuck' or 'screw' rather than 'making love' or 'sleeping together' it doesn't change the fact that it's sex. But in another way the words we use to describe different acts show how we feel about them and how they affect us, and for me as Sir's slave it is important that He uses me and that i am of use to Him because that's my role, that's our dynamic, that's what we both need. So while it may seem 'cheap' to you, it feels natural and right to us.

Ask me anything

Haven't been in the mood to post for a while, but am feeling more relaxed and more like myself again today and have been snuggling my babies and giving them massage and watching them on their playgym, and it made me think just how special twins are.

i know that identical twins have an extra special connection and lots of them say they can feel each others' emotions and know what each other is thinking and finish each others' sentences and even have sympathy pains if the other is hurt in anyway. William and Finn are fraternal twins, so i don't expect them to have this kind of connection, but even at the age of 3 months it is becoming clear that they do share a bond beyond that normally shared by siblings. When you think about it it makes sense that they should because they have been together since conception, since their little eggs were fertilised and implanted themselves in the womb and started to grow and develop, they have always been in each others' presence, they have experienced the same things, they are used to having each other around. i think that's a lovely thing, to have never been on your own even in the womb, and i hope that it will benefit both my boys as they get older.

Right from the beginning Finn has shown awareness of William, by reaching out and holding onto him as they slept in their cot together or by turning towards him or looking at him or stilling to listen to him cry. And he always wakes up and cries when William has a seizure, even if he was fast asleep before, so i know there is a deep connection between them. Actually it has been really useful having Finn because i am sure we would have missed some of William's seizures, especially at night, if it wasn't for him, as the really bad ones tend to be silent because William can't breathe properly through them so he can't make a distressed noise. And it helps us to sleep better, knowing that Finn is always on the alert for problems with his brother.

So far there are no signs of the boys developing that special 'twin' language that many people talk about, but i'm not sure that would happen anyway due to William's condition, as he is yet to make many noises beyond crying and screaming when upset, though he has made the very occasional happy coo. Finn seems to be developing 'speech' in the usual way so far, and now makes vowel-consonant noises (a-ga, a-da, a-goo, and even something that sounds like a-choo!), but though he is often found making these noises to William, especially when they are alone together, because William does not respond, i think it unlikely that Finn will go on to develop a separate language of sounds that only he and William can understand. Which is sad in a way, but probably better for his language development in the long run.

i feel it is especially important for William to have a twin brother, because he will always have someone looking out for him, and he will always have that role-model to hopefully copy and imitate and try to emulate. He will have constant reinforcement of age-appropriate and developmentally-normal behaviours and abilities, which will hopefully encourage him to try to develop the same, even if at a slower pace. i have been very careful so far to treat each boy as an individual, to not hold Finn back because William can't do the things that he does, or not resent the fact that William is behind Finn in all of his development. i am also being careful to not give all my time and attention either to William because of his medical and other difficulties, or to Finn because he is the baby i 'expected' to have. And so far i have been able to cherish each baby for their individuality and their own achievements, whilst trying to meet their ever-changing daily needs. i just can't help feeling that without Finn, caring for William would be even more difficult, and i am so grateful for both my gorgeous baby boys and the joy they bring to our family.

Oatmeal girl wrote a post recently about the differences between submitting and being Dominated, which is something i hadn't really thought about before. And seeing as the twins are happily snoozing and Poppy is busy making 'dens' with Sir i thought i'd come on here and do a 'Sunday musings' post which i haven't done in quite a while. So here goes:

When you think about it it becomes quite obvious that submitting to someone else is different to being Dominated by that person, although often the two do go together in the context of a D/s relationship for example. And the opposite is also true: Dominating someone is different to being submitted to. Of course if you try to Dominate someone who may not take too kindly to it, or try to submit to someone who isn't going to appreciate it, it can cause problems, hence why we try to Dominate and submit to the right people and seek out those kinds of relationships, but i think Dominance and submission are natural qualities which tend to be there in most interactions anyway, even vanilla ones. So for example Sir is naturally Dominant and takes control in most situations and leads others, and i do find that mainly people follow His lead and do as He asks and go to Him for guidance. And i have always been submissive and wanting to please others and i feel much more comfortable if someone else has told me what to do rather than having to make all my own decisions. It may seem that wanting to Dominate naturally means that someone would like to be submitted to, and wanting to submit means that someone would like to be Dominated, and i guess in most cases that is true, but i think it is also true that some people place more importance on one aspect than the other.

Which is the point that Oatmeal girl was trying to make. Take me for example: it is much more important for me to submit than it is to be Dominated. i need to feel that i am being pleasing and useful and helpful, rather than needing to be ordered around and made to do things and controlled. Of course i do enjoy being Dominated else i wouldn't be in the relationship i am, but my need to submit is the overwhelming one and it happens in contexts outside of my dynamic with Sir. And it is present in all situations with Sir, even when He is not overtly Dominating me. So i will happily kneel at His feet, keeping nice and quiet and revelling in the sensations of being submissive to Him, without feeling that He should be barking orders at me and overpowering my will at that time. i actually find it difficult to imagine it the other way round - that i would need to be Dominated all the time but have the need to submit only some of the time, but i guess that would be someone who 'fights' the orders and control but really enjoys it and only submits of their own will part of the time?

So i'd love to hear from other people - which is most important in your life, being Dominated or submitting, and why?

Just realised that the questions in my formspring account are building up again, and some of them were asked 3 months ago! Sorry it's taking me a while to get round to them but i am working on it i promise! Here's a selection answered below:

If you had 30 minutes to play however you wanted, what would you do?

Hmm tricky question because a lot depends on my mood at the time, and that can fluctuate wildly, especially with postpartum hormones still racing around inside me! But it would definitely involve some kind of being tied or put into a position or held down or told to stay still, possibly a gag or blindfold to help me slip deeper into that submissive place, some form of pain such as clamps or perhaps a nice flogging, plus some pleasure with Sir's cock in my pussy or ass or His fingers or tongue or a vibrator on my clitty. Sorry if that's quite general, but put those elements together (bondage, helplessness, pain and pleasure) and you pretty much have my ideal 'play' scenario!

Do you ever kiss Sir's feet? (Not sexually, to show respect and love)
Short answer: yes. It's something that He taught me to do initially when i used to visit Him for play and training sessions, and it's something that now comes naturally to me. i tend to do it when He is busy with something and i don't want to disturb Him but want to demonstrate my submission and respect for Him, or when i am having a quiet moment and His feet and it just kind of happens. Sir never demands it, because i think He prefers it to happen spontaneously as it means more then.

Sometimes do you wish you had met Sir earlier in your adulthood?
Hmmm not really thought about this before, but i think the answer has to be 'no'. Had i met Sir earlier i wouldn't have been ready for the type of relationship we have and i wouldn't have been open to exploring my submissiveness, so we probably wouldn't have ended up together, or if we had it would have still taken me until my late 20s to get started in BDSM. Also the age gap would have seemed ever bigger if i had been younger and that might have caused us some problems with other people's reactions to us (imagine if i had been 18 and He had been 31 for example). i feel that i met Sir at an opportune time in my life, when all the factors were right for me to discover and explore and develop my submissive nature, and i feel very lucky that someone like Him was around to guide me through those times.

What's your favourite website?
i use 'Google' a lot! And i'm always popping onto 'Youtube' and the TV channel websites to watch videos and TV programmes. Also i like the 'Tuberous Sclerosis Association' website for their discussion forums which answer a lot of my questions about William, and i often go on 'Toys R Us' to shop for stuff for the kids. 'Wikipedia' is great when i have a quick question about something, and i'm so glad that i can do my banking online as it saves me time when i'm out with the twins. i also like the 'Wordle' site and 'Cute Overload' when i'm in need of a bit of light entertainment, and i go to 'Pogo' to play games. Apart from those i regularly read all the blogs in my sidebar.

Do you prefer baths or showers?
Is this a serious question? i prefer showers for washing in the mornings because they're quick and refreshing, and baths for relaxing in the evenings because i can take more time and they're more comfortable.

What celebrity does Sir Peter look like?
i often think that Sir has a George Clooney smile and eye twinkle, and He also looks a little like a cross between Matthew Fox and Nigel Harman (but i am biased!)

What was the last thing you had to eat? Was it good?
Luckily for me Poppy requested Sir's special pancakes for breakfast this morning, which He serves with blueberries, bananas and cream. And yes they were delicious as always :)

How often do you have nightmares?
Only a few times a year, and Sir is very good at holding me and soothing me and calming me afterwards. Usually i can't even remember what they were about when i wake up, i just get left with a single image from them and that horrible feeling of fear.

I am just discovering myself in the D/s world and I was wondering if you know if there is any stigma against LGBT people. And if you know of any LGBT BDSM sites.
In general the BDSM world tends to be a lot more tolerant of 'difference' or 'alternative' lifestyles than society in general. So there's going to be less stigma against LGBT people than among vanilla folks. i can honestly say that in all my dealings with people in the lifestyle (such as in chatrooms, on blogs, at play parties, etc) i have very rarely seen open discrimination or derogatory remarks against those of the LGBT persuasion, and there seem to be more homosexual/bisexual/transgender BDSMers than there do in general society. Again i'm not sure if this goes hand in hand with being into BDSM (perhaps once you accept an alternative lifestyle you accept all alternative aspects of your character without trying to repress them anymore), ot whether it is more easy to be open about being LGBT in BDSM circles than in vanilla ones. But i'm sure you will find many others who are similar to you and accepting of your kinks and preferences. i don't know of any specific LGBT BDSM sites though, perhaps other people can suggest some?

Master and myself have two young girls and can never find time to be alone or have play time. How do you and your Sir find the time to still be Master and slave along with mommy and daddy??
This is something that Sir and i are also finding difficult at the moment, to be honest. Once the children have gone to bed i am free to be more openly submissive to Him, such as kneeling at His feet, calling Him "Sir" etc. and we have devised ways of me showing my submission to Him in subtle ways when the children are around. But full-on D/s interactions or play-times are hard to come by right now for us, as i am breastfeeding William and Finn so there are frequent interruptions in our time even if Poppy is out of the house. Also because of William's condition we have to be able to see him incase he has a seizure, so proper D/s play is not possible for us and the dungeon hasn't been used in quite a while. i think you need to send the children out of the house for several hours, in order to give yourselves the freedom to properly play, but other types of D/s interactions can be done when they are in another room, sleeping, etc. Luckily Sir and i have a strong emotional and mental side to our dynamic, which continues to thrive even when the physical side is somewhat lacking - perhaps you could try to develop these aspects more?

Ask me anything

Wow, it's been ages since i did one of these, so here we go!

1. When pigs fly.... i'll become a Domme.

2. BDSM activities are included in the DSM manual of mental disorders.... seriously?!

3. Call me.... old fashioned, but i love staying at home, doing the housework, cooking and cleaning for Sir and bringing up the children.

4. There's nothing better than being woken up with something poking into your back in the morning.... if you know what i mean.

5. The most entertaining person in my life is.... Poppy.... because.... she is at that cute and innocent stage where she asks questions and says what's on her mind and frequently gets her words muddled up and mispronounced.

6. Trecy got voted off the X Factor last weekend.... who's next?

7. And as for the weekend, tonight i'm looking forward to.... snuggling up to Sir to keep warm on these chilly nights, tomorrow my plans include.... starting some Christmas shopping.... and Sunday i want to.... watch the X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing results shows!

It seems like a while since i've done one of these and i realised that some readers might not even know what i'm referring to (has it really been that long?) So i'll explain: i decided to join in with a project called '101 things in 1001 days' where you list 101 things you want to achieve or maintain or experience and then cross them off as you do them, hopefully completing them all within 1001 days, which is about 3 years (my finishing date is sometime in October next year) and i'm doing well so far because i have 43 crossed off with another 15 that i'm continually working on, so as long as i step up a bit within the next year and work hard on some of the tricker ones i should get them all done in time!

Recently i have been able to achieve the following items from my list:

#10. Grow a Venus fly trap from scratch and keep it alive this time - i planted one of those little kits again and it grew and seemed to be doing well, then it kind of went a bit brown and crispy like is has before, but i kept watering it and today i saw that it had caught a fly! So i'm marking that down as a success :)

#14. Find out more about alternative health treatments and which ones would benefit me and my children - i have been speaking to some of the therapists and other mummies at the special needs babies group and i have decided to investigate acupuncture/acupressure, chiropractic treatments, cranial massage and homeopathy/aromatherapy (obviously in consultation with the doctors).

#18. Find out more about my thyroid condition - i have done some research in books and on the internet and am going to try the following points: getting a magnetic bracelet to try to help with the tiredness, supplementing the iodine in my diet with seaweed and kelp, asking if i can switch to a different brand to see if that helps.

#24. Try scrapbooking - i have had the book and materials ready to do this for a while but never got round to it, so a couple of weeks ago i decided to start a 'baby' book for each of my children and i have now completed 3 pages in Poppy's book and 1 in each of the boys' books. i might go back and do Poppy's birth page again because it was quite a steep learning curve and by the time i did the boy's birth pages i had improved a lot so now her's looks a bit rubbish in comparison. But i'm glad i made a start and i'm planning to add more pages soon.

#48. Establish family rituals for all the major holidays/celebrations - after Halloween i realised that we have pretty much done this now: for Valentine's day i cook Sir fried eggs on toast for breakfast using the heart shape and i get to have an hour where i call the shots (sexually), for Easter we decorate eggs with felt-tip pens then boil them and have an easter-egg hunt in the garden, for Halloween we dress all the kids up in real cute costumes and decorate the house all spooky and we have feely bowls of goopy substances and a spooky tea with shaped sandwiches and cakes and biscuits and Poppy goes trick or treating, for Christmas we do stocking presents before breakfast and main presents after breakfast and we have Christmas dinner at home with visits to friends and family on boxing day.

#78. Learn more about science - since finding out about William's diagnosis and the fact that he may have problems with some or all of his senses (as we discovered from talking to parents of TS children at the open day in summer), i have been researching senses and how they work in the brain, and i have discovered some useful and interesting stuff (which i'll discuss in more detail in future posts once i am more certain of it).

A little while back there was a post on 'Submissive Guide' where the author wrote about her view that BDSM is separate and different from D/s. She gave several reasons for this: namely that she sees BDSM as standing for bondage, discipline and sadomasochism and D/s as standing for Dominance and submission, and she points out that there are those who enjoy 'kinky' play with bondage and floggings without being a Dom or a sub, and others who give or take control in a D/s relationship without being able or wanting to take part in pain play etc. All of which is true and i respect her viewpoint, but i have a different opinion.

i think that D/s falls under the BDSM umbrella. So to me being in a D/s relationship means that you practice and are involved in BDSM, but not everyone who is involved in BDSM is in a D/s relationship. If that makes sense; think of it in similar terms as oranges are a type of fruit but not all fruits are oranges. i see BDSM as standing for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism; with some relationships and activities incorporating all 3 aspects, some 2 and some only 1. And of course there will be vanilla aspects in any relationship too, which do not come under the BDSM umbrella even though the relationship as a whole does. And yes it is true that there are some people who only ever practice one aspect of BDSM: they might be into bondage and discipline scenes but never dominate or submit, or be into giving and receiving pain; they might be a Dominant or submissive but not into bondage, discipline or pain scenes (infact they may be into a service relationship or long-distance one where these aspects become irrelevant or impractical); or they may be into giving and receiving pain only without being tied up or disciplined or dominating or submitting.

But in my experience most relationships incorporate at least 2 of the BDSM elements and many of them involve all 3 to some extent, some of the time. Of course every relationship is different and the exact balance of each aspect will differ in each dynamic, but i feel that among all these different relationships there are enough common features to be able to group them all together under one big umbrella, and label them all as 'BDSM' activities. Just my opinion, yours may well vary!