Abuse in the BDSM lifestyle

January 23, 2011

Abuse in the BDSM lifestyle

Lots of people have been talking about this topic on their blogs recently, after some discussions on it cropped up on FetLife i believe. (i'm not allowed on FetLife, so can't check out those discussions for myself). Some people are of the opinion that it's impossible to be abused or to abuse in a TPE M/s relationship because the slave consented to any and all treatment when she handed control of her life over to her Master. i personally do not agree with that, even though i would class myself as being in that type of relationship. Other people have gotten personal and named names of others they believe may be in an abusive BDSM relationship, but i'm not going to do that. i'm simply going to give examples of the differences i see in abusive vs. non-abusive BDSM relationships and leave it at that.

In theory i can see where the 'abuse is impossible in a M/s relationship' line of thought comes from, because as soon as a slave starts to set limits on how her Master can treat her then she hasn't given up all control of her life and therefore isn't a slave. But i think as soon as a 'Master' uses His power and control to abuse His slave then He is no longer a Master and the relationship shifts from an M/s one to something else entirely, so that whole line of logic becomes moot straight away. To the vanilla world i guess much of the situations which occur in M/s relationships could be seen to be abusive - physical punishment, infliction of pain, restricting privileges, use of 'nasty' names and terms, etc. but it's the intent behind these actions that makes the difference. Because a slave has consented to these, and because she 'needs' to be treated in these ways to function and grow as a slave, these actions then become not abusive but actually helping the slave to feel fulfilled and to develop as a person. Of course not all slaves want and need all of these, and that's where it becomes the Master's job to work out the best way of training and molding and shaping and developing His particular slave to bring out the best in her. Sometimes also a Master may carry out an action just because it pleases Him to do so, knowing that the slave neither needs nor wants nor enjoys that particular 'thing', but so long as it doesn't harm the slave i don't consider that abuse either - it goes back to the blanket consent given, the total exchange of power that signifies those special types of relationships.

When i do think it becomes abusive is either when the Master isn't in control of or planning what He is doing - when He hits out in anger, is emotionally or mentally unstable, uses violence or verbal abuse as a punishment, etc. In that case He is no longer using these methods to train and shape the slave, or even as part of a pre-planned moment of enjoyment on His part. He is taking advantage of His power over the slave to act out His own lack of control and inner rage, in much the same way as a minority of pet owners do. The other scenario which signifies that a BDSM relationship has become abusive is when the actions of the Master stop being beneficial to the slave. Many of us thrive on pain play, need to be punished when we have genuinely done wrong, want to have restrictions imposed on us, get a thrill from being called nasty names, etc. But those things need to be done within the context of a loving, supportive relationship in which our needs and well-being are always at the forefront of our Master's thoughts and the driving reason behind His every action. When a BDSM relationship starts to break down the slave, starts to make her miserable and afraid and lonely and unhappy, starts to make her a worse rather than a better person, fails to meet any of her basic needs, then it can be seen to be abusive, imho.

To me that's one of the best ways to judge a BDSM relationship - look at the slave: is she happy and contented and fulfilled? Is she proud to serve her Master? Is she confident in Him and His actions and His intentions? Is she growing and developing and improving both as a person and as a slave? Does she show Him love and affection and adoration? Does she trust Him implicitly with her very life? That's how to separate out the genuine Master from the abusive one, because there can be no definitive list of abusive acts as what works for one slave won't for another, and what one slave can tolerate and thrive on would absolutely destroy another. (As always this represents my own personal viewpoint and should not be taken as criticism of others.)