February 27, 2011
Being vs doing
i've been thinking recently about the differences between physical and mental submission, as well as the differences between 'being' submissive and 'doing' submissive acts, inspired by this post by Sir J of 'A Dominant Character, and this post by rayne of 'Insatiable Desire'. i think this is particularly relevant to my life at the moment when due to our circumstances i am not able to exhibit my submissiveness to Sir in the same ways that i used to, and He is also not able to show His Dominance over me in quite so overt ways as before. Yet we are still very much Master and slave, even if someone observing our day-to-day lives right now would probably not pick up on that. And the reason that we are able to still feel like we are Master and slave, still identify as such, is that our relationship is based not only on 'doing' and the physical aspects of a M/s dynamic, but also on 'being' and the mental aspects as mentioned in the posts i linked to above.
i think in a M/s or D/s relationship it's important for both parties to understand the difference between being/feeling submissive and doing/acting submissive. Everyone in their daily lives has to act submissive towards others at times, due to the fact that they are your boss or superior at work, or they have a high-ranking job such as a policeofficer. Protocol would demand for example that i act in a submissive manner towards the Queen (if i ever met her!) no matter what my personal opinion of her was or whether i actually felt submissive to her or not. So we are all capable of acting in a submissive manner in order to reaffirm the status of those around us in comparison to ourselves (and also we all expect certain others to act in a submissive manner towards us - for example pupils to their school teacher, those 'below' us at work, people who are paid to help/serve us e.g. waiters). But it is clear that though everyone is capable of acting in a submissive way ('doing') in order to get on in life, it does not necessarily reflect how we feel inside or what our personalities are. That's not what being a submissive is about.
'Being' a submissive then is more than the physical act of submitting as discussed above. Of course in any M/s or D/s relationship the physical acts of submission are important and do play their part in reaffirming the roles in the dynamic and meeting some of the needs of the participants. But a M/s or D/s relationship can continue to thrive when all or most of these physical acts of submission are taken away. Because 'being' submissive is intrinsic to every interaction within such a dynamic, it is the basis of how one feels about and towards the other person, it is very much a mental and emotional thing, an internal set of characteristics and choices that make one be submissive, even if not in an outward, obvious way. It is worth pointing out at this stage that some people can have very domineering, forceful characters, yet still be a submissive to the right person. It is very much a deliberate choice, rather than a mere conforming to what society dictates you do in certain circumstances. And someone who has some natural 'submissive' characteristics, such as being quiet and unsure and not very confident which leads them to following the directions of others and doing as they're told..... again some of these people may also 'be' submissive in a D/s sense, but not necessarily all or most of them.
It's confusing i know, but i hope my muddled brain has managed to explain at least some of what i've been pondering here. And let me know what you think on this subject!
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8 comments:
What you said and how you said it makes perfect sense. I've been thinking on this a lot lately too. In my D/s relationship with my husband it isn't enough to just act submissive, I need to be submissive too. I think it might be a hard concept to explain. I always picture it as something that starts inside me (not as a feeling but as an attitude maybe) and becomes outwardly visible as I act on what is inside me. If that makes any sense.
6:36 PMGood job describing this though and separating the two, I couldn't have done half as good as you at putting this idea into words.
Alice
I really enjoyed this post. Doing vs. being is something that has certainly been on my mind. I like how you put things. Choices vs. needs. Societal pressures dictating an action, rather than an intrinsic need to BE submissive.
3:24 AMI am very confident, outgoing and dominant in my own life, but with that right person, I'm not. And I feel like I need that; I crave it. Of course, I like the ACTIONS that we take, but it's so much more than that. It's creating that sense of feeling, of being. It's something that I'm certainly CHOOSING to pursue rather than society telling me.
Hey libby!
5:51 PMSoooo well said!
Hugs,
mouse
Wow, what a great topic! This is something I've been thinking about alot lately, having simultaneously just gotten out of a really bad relationship and begining to really explore and recognize just how natural being submissive to my daddy feels... it's amazing to me the similarity of some of my actions compared to the disparity of the motivations.
1:22 AMI really like the comparison to dog behavior your picture reminded me of... so often we misread appeasement gestures (such as a dog rolling over to expose its belly)as being submissive. Although it's a submissive act, it's offered simply as a way of avoiding a negative consequence. The same dog may turn around a second later if pressed and assert itself to the dog it was just acting submissively towards.
Whereas when you are truly being submissive, you are not trying to appease, you've truly surrendered to someone else... Much like a dog that will relinquish its food to a dominant dog without a struggle, and be grateful to lick whatever scraps are left behind.
wow, i'm really surprised by how this post struck a cord with so many of you (and new commenters too, it's always good to get those!). i guess i did manage to explain what was in my mind after all. What everyone's said here has given me more to think about, perhaps a follow-up post soon when i've had time to puzzle it all out...
12:04 PMI love the point of this post. I am not just submissive in my behavior, but I truly see my Dom as in charge of my choices, my desires, and my very being. When he requests, I am grateful to be his, to submit, to please. It is not just a behavior meant to reach a defined response. It is a belief system.
9:03 PMD/s as a belief system...... sounds like a need to do a post on that!
8:19 AMActing submissive without being submissive feels dishonest to me.
10:15 PMI feel that it is very important to treat everyone equally, and respect everyone equally, until they have demonstrated personally to me that they deserve something different.
Just because someone chooses a title, "Master", does not require me to treat them as such, and neither does a title, "Queen", require me to treat them with any different respect than any other stranger. Each person earns their title from me on a personal basis. I treat my boss with the same respect that I treat my colleagues.
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