Valentine's Day and D/s

February 13, 2011

Valentine's Day and D/s

sin wrote a post on her blog about Valentine's Day and how she feels it doesn't really 'jive' with a D/s relationship because of the romantic love and 'man wooing fair lady' connotations associated with it. She also mentions that she would be worried that her Big Bad Dom would change and turn into a sensitive lover and she would change from an obedient submissive into a bossy controlling girlfriend if they celebrated occasions such as V Day together. And a final point she brings up is what could she do to make Valentine's Day special when as a submissive she spends every day of the year doing exactly what He wants and paying Him special attention. In mine and Sir's relationship we do celebrate occasions such as Valentine's Day and i don't feel it impinges on the M/s dynamic at all, so i wanted to offer an alternative view on these points.

Firstly i need to make it clear that it is Sir's choice to continue celebrating things like Valentine's Day, my birthday, our wedding anniversary, our collaring anniversary, etc. i am the slave and have no say in these things, so if He decided not to commemorate them in any way there's nothing i could do about it. In fact i think it makes those days more meaningful - that my Sir is celebrating them because He wants to not because He feels obliged to, as in many vanilla relationships where the man has to buy the woman flowers and take her out to dinner to avoid a major argument. my Sir celebrates those occasions with me of His own free will not because He feels He has to, thus turning them from a 'Hallmark holiday' into something a lot more special. i think this gets round the issue of the man 'wooing' the fair lady, which sin seems to feel makes him somehow submissive and her have all the power. Also of course the Dom in that situation is still in control of the celebrations, so may well decide to 'celebrate' by giving the sub a good flogging rather than with the more traditional flowers/chocolates/candlelit meal!

It also needs to be said here that long-term D/s or M/s relationships are multi-faceted. It's not BDSM all day every day, because people live in the real world where bills need to be paid, shopping has to be done, the car needs fixing, people get ill, etc. Add to that the fact that Masters/Doms/slaves/subs etc are real people with real feelings and are capable of interacting with each other in many different ways (just as in the vanilla world too) and it becomes clear that a Dom and sub can have romantic, tender, loving moments without their D/s relationship crumbling and falling apart. Many D/s relationships are built upon love, and this is especially true when the couple are married - it would seem weird for all romance to be banned from the relationship entirely or to be only shown by the sub in case it undermines the Dom's authority. In my view a good Dom will be able to maintain His authority and control in all situations, He's not suddenly going to lose that because He happened to buy His sub a box of chocolates. True control is mental anyway,  not manifested in physical acts. By my Sir buying me presents for these occasions (and yes sometimes for no reason at all), He is demonstrating His love for me in ways that may be comparable to the vanilla world, but in no way undermine His standing as my Master and my Sir.

Now onto the final point - what can a submissive do to make Valentine's Day special when she spends every day attending to the every whim of her Dominant? Well i don't buy my Sir presents every day for a start, nor do i spend hours cooking an elaborate meal for Him every day (back to that real world living thing there). And i certainly don't take the initiative to buy sexy new lingerie and model it for Him every day, or perform a striptease and lap dance wearing it. You get the idea. Of course, just making time to spend together may be all that's needed, especially as most of us are so busy that we don't get to spend as much quality time with our Masters as we would like. Spend that time reconnecting as a couple or doing all the things you know He likes without being told or even trying out something new that you have taken the time to research and practice in secret. Doms and Masters are human too, you know, and will usually appreciate the extra effort and initiative you put into these occasions.

There's my thoughts on the matter, yours may vary but you're very welcome to join the discussion and have your say!