Connection

March 16, 2011

Connection

Last night on the chatroom a Dom i have chatted with a bit in channel slipped into my PM (private messages) for some getting-to-know-you chat and a bit of flirting, which potentially could have lead onto some play. Now this was not a Dom who was new to me, it was not some HNG (horny net geek) forcing himself onto me, this was someone i knew and liked and respected from what i had seen of him in the room. So i was quite happy to PM with Him and see where things might lead.

Except they didn't lead very far really as i became increasingly uneasy and uncomfortable as the chat progressed. Again, nothing to do with what the Dom was actually doing or saying as far as i could tell, because when i read it back later it was all harmless enough, with Him complimenting me and saying how He had admired me in channel, taking things slow, responding to my questions, reassuring me when i expressed doubts, generally being very nice and very attentive. i engage in far more flirty or sexually-explicit exchanges with those i know in channel, not as the prelude to a scene, but just general banter and looking for some attention or as a way to keep us subbies amused, so i shouldn't have had any problems with this PM (and intact He withdrew very respectfully when it became clear i no longer wished to continue).

So the only conclusion i can come to is that we just weren't compatible, that there wasn't that connection there which i find necessary in order to submit to another and engage in a scene. Maybe that's what was making me uneasy, and this particular Dom could probably scene successfully with many other subs on a mutually-enjoyable basis, just not me. Maybe the issue lies solely with me and not Him? Because i find that in order to do a good scene, and certainly in order to enjoy it, i need to feel a connection with the Dom/me, to trust Him or Her, to feel that i could 'play' with them in real-life. Of course i can do a scene without that connection being there, but then it becomes merely typing words onto a screen, there's no feeling behind it and i don't give of myself. i felt that this Dom deserved better than that, and told Him i didn't want to disappoint Him by doing a rubbish scene because the connection between us wasn't there, but i'm not sure He understood.

All of which just goes to show that finding the right Dom/me can be just as important for an online scene as in a real-life situation; even though the safety considerations aren't there online as they are in real-life the feelings and emotions and mental submitting is, for me anyway. And that can be a complex thing, which confuses me sometimes.