In response.....

November 23, 2011

In response.....

... to a post on another blog which was obviously directed, at least in part, to me, though it didn't name me. i have been pondering the best way to respond to this post, if at all, and have finally decided to post my response here, quoting from that original blog post but without mentioning any names. Here goes:

Firstly i don't think it is ever a good idea to view your relationship as 'in a league of your own' or to state that your Dom's 'way of doing things is superior to nearly every other Dom/sub relationship out there'. Of course lots of us feel that our Dom is perfect for us, that He does things in a way which is suited to our unique needs and we cannot imagine another Dom being able to do things quite as well. And many/most of us feel that our own D/s relationship is better for us than other such relationships we might read about on the internet. But the crucial points in those sentences are the phrases 'for us' - saying that my D/s relationship is better and more suited to me than any other D/s relationship i have read about and saying that my Sir is a better Dom for me than any other Dom i have met is not the same thing as saying my relationship is in a league of its own or my Dom is superior to others. That just smacks of arrogance, one-upmanship and a complete lack of understanding that every sub is different, every Dom is different and therefore every D/s relationship will be different. What works for one relationship will not work for others, what makes one Dom great would make another not-so-good, what one sub needs another sub hates, and so on. One of the great things about the BDSM community is its tolerance and acceptance of a wide range of practices, beliefs and preferences and i think this openess is important and integral to the lifestyle, so it concerns me to hear someone using words and terms like 'league of our own' and 'superior'.

The post then goes on to list ways in which she believes her Dom to be 'superior' to others, which basically consists of statements saying 'because He does not......'. Again, just because something isn't right for you doesn't make it not right for others and certainly doesn't make your Dom superior to those who do carry out those practices. Some of the things listed are 'my Dom doesn't control every single facet of my life' (that's to do with the sub/slave thing, with whether you agree to hand over control of all of your life as a slave or whether you negotiate to retain control of certain parts of it as a sub), 'my Dom doesn't debase me' (humiliation and forms of debasement are an important part of some D/s and M/s relationships - you specifically mention my rule about leaving the bathroom door open when i am in there, which is something that works for me and my Sir, but yet you see it in a very negative way), 'my Dom allows me to have a job if i want one' (again this is to do with levels of control and doesn't at all make your Dom better or superior to those who have stay-at-home subs or slaves) and so on. Comments are made which start off with 'all it will gain the Dom that requires it is a sub that rebels.....', 'there is one thing that will make a woman submit faster and that is.......', 'there is no long-term future in any Dom/sub relationship where....', 'a Dom that.... is a Dom that doesn't deserve to be a Dom'. What you should have put is 'all it will gain the Dom that requires it of me is that i will rebel...', 'there is one thing that will make me submit faster and that is....', 'there is no long-term future in any relationship for me where...' and 'a Dom that..... is a Dom that isn't right to be my Dom' - what you are doing is taking your needs and preferences and projecting them onto each and every D/s relationship out there and any dynamic that doesn't follow exactly your ways is seen as inferior and  not as good as yours. BDSM is not a cookie-cutter, one size fits all thing and to see it that way and to write about it with such clear contempt and disdain for other people's interpretation of the lifestyle does none of us any favours.

Thanks for reading, have a nice day.