a submissive's musings: January 2011

formspring.me #65

Hello! After reading your blog, and that you have an interest in women, I was wondering if you see any gay/lesbian D/s relationships within either the scene, your friends, or the people you chat with online?

Yes, infact i think there are more openly LGBT relationships in the BDSM world than in the vanilla one, probably because people in the lifestyle tend to be more accepting of 'difference' than society in general. i know of one bisexual Master and one lesbian Domme among Sir's friends in real-life, and see plenty of bi, lesbian and gay people in the chatrooms online.

I am married for 15+ yrs. Recently started reading ur blog. I think that my wife has a sub nature, quite similar to yours. How do I confirm this, and what must I do to satisfy her emotional requirements? Your guidance is most appreciated. Thank you.

i'm sorry but i really can't answer this as i don't know either you or your wife. BDSM isn't a 'one size fits all' approach, each person brings their unique personality, likes, dislikes, etc. to the table and a unique relationship is formed from that just as each relationship in the vanilla world is different. i suggest you talk to her, show her some (mild) BDSM sites or articles online, see what her reaction is and go from there. Good luck.

What would you do if you were forced to control someone completely? Your choice is to let them die, or to take control over their lives forever. Would you let them go or would you try to make it work? If so, do you think you'd enjoy the prospect or not?
This is a bit of a pointless question because there would never be the situation where i would have to control someone for the rest of their life or let them die. Obviously if it was someone i loved, i would take the option of saving them, whatever i would have to do to achieve that, but in that type of situation it wouldn't really be my true nature coming through but rather my determination to keep them alive. And no i wouldn't enjoy the prospect because i don't have any natural Dominance within me. Much easier to just ask 'can you see any situation where you would want to or be willing to control another, or where you might enjoy doing so?', in which case my answer would have been 'no and no'.

Have Master and you ever had any interest in diaper/abd, may be in a Daddy/littlegirl scene. What are your thoughts on this topic?
A while back Sir introduced me to the idea of ageplay as this is something He is interested in exploring with me. But due to many different circumstances we haven't got very far with this. If you look in my training folder you will see that it's something i am to explore online as and when i am able to, and then we will explore it further in real-life at a later date when my slave training resumes. Our form of ageplay won't involve nappies/adult baby stuff though as i find that very squicky due to my work with young children and Sir has no interest in that type of stuff either. Not that i think there's anything wrong with people who engage in that type of activity, it's just not for me.

*P.S. If you asked a question and it hasn't been answered yet i suggest you go to my formspring account and look back through the archives of previously-answered questions, because i just delete duplicates such as 'Where are these chatrooms you mention and how can i get to them?'. Otherwise please be patient for me to find time to answer your question as i have quite a few waiting to be answered - thanks.

Ask me anything

Today we took all 3 kidlets out to celebrate William being off the ACTH injections, being infantile spasms-free since Christmas Eve, and being able to go back out into public places now his immune system should be able to cope with it again. It feels like a very long time that i have effectively been shut-up in the house with both babies and it was starting to drive me a little crazy. But now it's like a fresh start and we have lots of new clubs and groups to try out with the boys, so i'm looking forward to the next few weeks.

Today we went to an indoor kids' play area, with ball pools and soft play equipment and slides and hammocks and ropes and nets and swings and trampolines for Poppy, and a special section for babies with smaller soft play equipment and a little ball pool and sensory play stuff and lots of interesting baby toys. All 3 kiddies loved it and were sooooo happy and Poppy was very proud and kept telling anyone who would listen that we were there to "sellbrate Willum being sooooooooo brave" (with the injections).

i know that we still have a long way to go in our quest to help William be the best that he can be, and we have several medical appointments coming up to check his vision and his sensory processing and his liver and other internal organs, and also a review of his seizure meds and both boys' 6 month check-ups. And after that we are hoping to get him some more therapy or at least some equipment so we can do it ourselves. And we're planning to start baby sensory classes with both boys, and hydrotherapy with William and baby swim sessions with Finn and also possibly a music club with both of them. And Poppy has started ballet classes and also wants to go to French classes with her nursery. So we're going to be busy!

On top of all that we have our loft conversion starting next month and it will also be Sir's birthday and then Valentines' Day and then pancake day and then Mother's Day and then Easter and then Poppy's birthday. So loads to keep us occupied. But i'm feeling very optimistic right now about everything that's coming up and it feels like all the changes are for the better and will really benefit our family, especially William. And since he's come off the ACTH injections his usual sleeping/feeding schedule has been resumed, and he's much less cranky and also he has been able to lift his head briefly when doing his physio again which we haven't seen for quite a few weeks. The other exciting news is that William responded positively to a tactile experience for the first time ever - we were given a toy hedgehog which has soft spikes made of this weird fur stuff and William loves to have this rubbed on his face and will even nuzzle his own cheek against it which is such great progress for him! So i'm hopeful that now the infantile spasms have stopped and he's also off the ACTHar he can make more progress in other areas too. Watch this space!

Lots of people have been talking about this topic on their blogs recently, after some discussions on it cropped up on FetLife i believe. (i'm not allowed on FetLife, so can't check out those discussions for myself). Some people are of the opinion that it's impossible to be abused or to abuse in a TPE M/s relationship because the slave consented to any and all treatment when she handed control of her life over to her Master. i personally do not agree with that, even though i would class myself as being in that type of relationship. Other people have gotten personal and named names of others they believe may be in an abusive BDSM relationship, but i'm not going to do that. i'm simply going to give examples of the differences i see in abusive vs. non-abusive BDSM relationships and leave it at that.

In theory i can see where the 'abuse is impossible in a M/s relationship' line of thought comes from, because as soon as a slave starts to set limits on how her Master can treat her then she hasn't given up all control of her life and therefore isn't a slave. But i think as soon as a 'Master' uses His power and control to abuse His slave then He is no longer a Master and the relationship shifts from an M/s one to something else entirely, so that whole line of logic becomes moot straight away. To the vanilla world i guess much of the situations which occur in M/s relationships could be seen to be abusive - physical punishment, infliction of pain, restricting privileges, use of 'nasty' names and terms, etc. but it's the intent behind these actions that makes the difference. Because a slave has consented to these, and because she 'needs' to be treated in these ways to function and grow as a slave, these actions then become not abusive but actually helping the slave to feel fulfilled and to develop as a person. Of course not all slaves want and need all of these, and that's where it becomes the Master's job to work out the best way of training and molding and shaping and developing His particular slave to bring out the best in her. Sometimes also a Master may carry out an action just because it pleases Him to do so, knowing that the slave neither needs nor wants nor enjoys that particular 'thing', but so long as it doesn't harm the slave i don't consider that abuse either - it goes back to the blanket consent given, the total exchange of power that signifies those special types of relationships.

When i do think it becomes abusive is either when the Master isn't in control of or planning what He is doing - when He hits out in anger, is emotionally or mentally unstable, uses violence or verbal abuse as a punishment, etc. In that case He is no longer using these methods to train and shape the slave, or even as part of a pre-planned moment of enjoyment on His part. He is taking advantage of His power over the slave to act out His own lack of control and inner rage, in much the same way as a minority of pet owners do. The other scenario which signifies that a BDSM relationship has become abusive is when the actions of the Master stop being beneficial to the slave. Many of us thrive on pain play, need to be punished when we have genuinely done wrong, want to have restrictions imposed on us, get a thrill from being called nasty names, etc. But those things need to be done within the context of a loving, supportive relationship in which our needs and well-being are always at the forefront of our Master's thoughts and the driving reason behind His every action. When a BDSM relationship starts to break down the slave, starts to make her miserable and afraid and lonely and unhappy, starts to make her a worse rather than a better person, fails to meet any of her basic needs, then it can be seen to be abusive, imho.

To me that's one of the best ways to judge a BDSM relationship - look at the slave: is she happy and contented and fulfilled? Is she proud to serve her Master? Is she confident in Him and His actions and His intentions? Is she growing and developing and improving both as a person and as a slave? Does she show Him love and affection and adoration? Does she trust Him implicitly with her very life? That's how to separate out the genuine Master from the abusive one, because there can be no definitive list of abusive acts as what works for one slave won't for another, and what one slave can tolerate and thrive on would absolutely destroy another. (As always this represents my own personal viewpoint and should not be taken as criticism of others.)

Poppy's been able to talk for a long time now, as regular readers of this blog will know. And she lovessssssss to talk, she could chatter away all day long and never run out of things to say. Now she is the grand age of 2 years and nearly 8 months, her grammar is improving and she usually uses tenses and pronouns correctly. But that doesn't stop her from sometimes coming out with the cutest ways of expressing herself when she isn't sure of the right 'saying'!.

A couple of examples:
Poppy: Mummy, my belly is sleeping.
Me: It is? How do you know?
Poppy: 'Cos it's snoring. (i think she meant the rumbling noise of hunger!)
Me: Oh i see!
Poppy: Mmm hmmm, is needs toast.
Me: It does? That will wake it up?
Poppy: Yes Mummy, please has toast?
(So i make her some toast "with red jam", and after a couple of slices she tells me her belly "wakes now" and off she scampers with a happy "thank-oo Mummy!").

Today we went for a walk in the woods near our house, with Poppy walking ahead with her Daddy and me pushing the twins in their buggy. Suddenly Poppy comes running back to find me, all wide-eyed:
Poppy: Mummy!!
Me: Yes sweetie?
Poppy: The river gone wrong!
Me: It's gone wrong?
Poppy: Yesssss (frantic nods).
Me: What's happened to it?
Poppy: Is too big! Lessee? (Meaning 'come and see' - i think she's trying to say 'let's see?').
(So i follow her a little further, and then she turns round and says "Daddy says be careful....." and then it becomes clear what she's talking about as we get to the edge of the woods and find that the river has flooded over and the woods are now part of the river with the trees sticking up through the water. We stand there a while looking at it, with Poppy saying "Wow!" and "too big river" every now and then, and then she gets thoughtful and asks "horses are wet?" meaning the horses we were walking through the woods to go and see. So we explain to her that the horses should be fine because they live at the top of a hill and she smiles and looks relieved, bless her.)

Those are just a couple of examples of how deliciously cute and unintentionally funny my little Poppy-bug is everyday and how she is so bright and inquisitive and sweet and thoughtful and caring. And how lucky i am that she is my little girl :) "Lubs you, Poppy!".

formspring.me #64

i'm taking the time to answer a few BDSM-related questions from my formspring account. Some questions have already been answered, so i've just deleted them and the people who asked them will have to look back at the past answers to find what they're looking for.

Have you ever felt that you needed to be punished or disciplined and Sir didn't feel it necessary?

i think this probably happened a few times back in the beginning of our relationship, when i tended to be really hard on myself and felt that every little slip-up or mistake needed a punishment. Sir would point out to me that i hadn't meant to make those mistakes, that they were only small little things (like forgetting to get more milk at the shop that day) and that they weren't rule breaks so didn't need a punishment, just a mental note to try hard not to make the same mistake again. He had to remind me that when i became a slave i didn't stop being human, so mistakes were bound to happen. He also explained that having a slave is a bit like having a child, and that if a parent was to harshly punish their child for every little mistake that child would soon become afraid to try anything for fear of getting it wrong, but for deliberate actions to defy the known rules and boundaries punishments were important to prevent that type of behaviour happening again. And then i understood.

When you first developed into the M/s relationship how did you feel, and was it a mutual feeling or more of a desire within you to serve Sir as he fulfilled your needs on a daily basis?
i'm not really sure what this question is asking, but by the time i became Sir's collared slave i had already spent a lot of time with Him and had completely fallen in love with Him. i knew this was someone i could trust completely, would love forever and could see myself being with for a very long time. So my feelings at that point went way beyond just serving Him to get my needs met. Had we gone straight into a real-life D/s relationship from the beginning, rather than Him mentoring me first and building up to is gradually, then i probably would have started off just serving Him because He was helping me satisfy a need within me. But to be honest i don't think that would have worked out too well because i was too nervous and naive to know what i needed and wanted from any D/s relationship at that point and also i wouldn't have made a very good sub because i didn't have the first clue what was involved. Therefore the way that we did it, stepping up our relationship slowly, was perfect for me.

Have you ever felt that Sir was too busy for you but you needed His presence, if only for a little while? If so what do you do then?
Normally Sir has time for me, especially if it's clear there's a problem or i have something on my mind. In those circumstances i am allowed to request a 'free talk time' and so far Sir has always granted those requests because He knows i don't abuse the privilege. There are times during the day when Sir needs some time to Himself and it is not a good idea to disturb Him - when He is reading the paper after dinner, or when He is working in His study for example. And interrupting those times just because i feel a bit lonely or needy is not going to get a good response. But what i can do is sit or kneel next to Him whilst He is busy with other things, and lean my head against His leg, and just sitting there in His presence is normally enough to soothe me and give me the comfort i am craving. And often Sir will reach down and pet my hair or something similar, which further adds to my relaxation and contentment. i feel like a little kitty during those times. To be honest, the only time i avoid disturbing Sir at all is when He is cross about something and goes off to be by Himself. i have learnt that the best thing to do during those times is to leave well alone and wait for Him to come to me, otherwise it will only make things worse (and i am talking about when He is cross in general, not just when He is cross with me). But those times are very rare, and Sir usually has time for me if i go to Him.

Ask me anything

i've been thinking a lot recently about whether i am a 'trophy' slave or not, after some comments made to me by people i know in the P&H chatroom. In the vanilla world being a trophy girlfriend or wife is seen in quite a negative light (as in "Oh, she's just his trophy girlfriend, that's why he's with her") - it means the relationship is quite shallow, perhaps one-sided, and based only on looks and the kudos the man can receive for having bagged such a 'catch'. But having mulled it over i think being a 'trophy' can actually be viewed in a positive light in the BDSM world, and i'll explain why.

In BDSM relationships, and particularly in M/s relationships the sub/slave is all about pleasing and serving the Master. Which includes changing and maintaining her appearance, hair, make-up, clothing etc to suit His preferences. So it makes sense in that way that He would want to show her off and be proud of her physical attractiveness as He has spent so much time getting her the exact way He wants her to look. Also there is a great deal of training and shaping involved in having a slave, and most Masters will want to be able to show off the results of their work by demonstrating to other people in the lifestyle how well their slave can serve and perform certain tasks. They will naturally want their slave to be admired for her service and complimented on this fact because it reflects back on their skills as a Master that they have been able to train her so well. This relates to the next point too: that a slave's behaviour reflects on her Master - when out in public and especially when among others in the lifestyle (and to me this includes BDSM forums and chatrooms) a slave represents her Master so any negative characteristics will reflect back negatively on the training of her Master and vice versa. Thus to be a trophy slave in this sense means to reflect positively on the prowess of the one who owns her.

As a slave i am therefore happy to be considered my Master's trophy, proud that i am good enough for Him to want to show me off, pleased that i have reached a stage in my accomplishments where He might receive compliments about me from other Doms, and always trying to reflect Him in a good light through my behaviour, whether He is with me or not. Because us slaves want to be pleasing in all aspects of our lives, it is not demeaning to be considered a 'trophy', as this means we are top calibre and have made our Masters proud. The only time i can think it would be negative in a BDSM-light would be if the Dom only wanted to have the sub as a trophy to show off, "look who i've collared", and wasn't really interested in the maintenance and upkeep of the relationship, took no time to train the slave or see to her needs. Then it would become a negative thing. But in that case the slave would have to be pretty fine in the first place to be collared just to be shown off, she must have received training from others in order to get to that point, so i think she would be better off waiting for someone who wanted a proper relationship as well as a trophy slave.

i have also been told that i am somewhat of a trophy to the P&H chatroom i visit, merely because i am living the BDSM lifestyle in real-life, not just online. When i thought about it i realised that the vast majority of people on there practice the lifestyle online only, in chatroom scenes or other such methods and do not have a Master/slave in real-life. So the fact that i am living in a 24/7 real-life relationship with my Master and we are now married with 3 children might give others in the chatroom hope that they too can find that kind of relationship if they desire it. And it also gives some authenticity to the room, that it's not just a bunch of people acting out their fantasies through words on a screen, but that some of us act on them in our day-to-day lives too. It makes the scening and the discussions seem more 'real' and 'relevant' in a way i guess. Not that i'm trying to be big-headed or anything, because i know there are people on there who are much better sceners than i am and who have way more experience in the lifestyle than i do. And if most of them are happy to keep their BDSM-life online only, kudos to them for being able to satisfy that part of their character whilst maintaining different relationships in the real world. i was merely trying to see where the title 'trophy' might have been applied to me in the chatroom sense.

So there you have it, my thoughts on trophies in the BDSM world, and once again a demonstration of how ideas which can seem negative and derogatory in the vanilla lifestyle are often the opposite in the BDSM one. Funny that, huh?

P.S. i'm trying to get some active discussions going again, so please check out the LineBox discussion widget for this or other posts and consider adding your thoughts to the discussion if you want to - thanks!

The results are in from my latest poll, which asked readers which of the pictures at the top of this blog was their favourite. It turns out that the two pictures which i like best also came out top in the votes: picture 3 and picture 4, which scored more than double the number of votes received by pictures 1, 2 or 5.

To me each of the pictures shows a different character, a different side to the 1950s housewife. Picture 1 shows a lady who has made a great effort to look nice, with her hair, make-up and clothes carefully chosen to be pleasing to a man. She is also sitting in a way designed to be sexy, but her face is rather serious and she also looks a bit nervous or unsure, so perhaps she is doing her duty to be sexy without having her heart in it.

Picture 2 again shows a lady who is making an effort to look good and be sexy, but this one appears to be a lot more confident. She is smiling, she seems happy with her role, she is almost teasing the man to 'come and get her' by starting to undo the lacing on the back of her dress.

Picture 3 shows a lady wearing a very different style of clothes, much plainer and presumably designed to do housework in. Yet underneath we see that she is wearing sexy stockings, and she has still done her hair and make-up very carefully despite the fact that she is only going to be doing the hoovering. i like this picture because it shows the 'innocence' of the lady, the 'oh dear me, look what's accidently happened and i'm showing my underwear' pose. It gives the impression that she is a good girl, but at the same time she is ready and willing to please a man should he happen upon her in that state.

Picture 4 also shows a lady doing the housework, but this one has chosen to dress in a much more overtly sexy manner, wearing only a very short sheer apron with no hint of underwear beneath. Like the lady in picture 2 she seems happy and confident, quietly teasing the man with glimpses of her beauty and ready and willing to please her man when he requires it. i also like the contrast between her appearance (with high heels and everything!) and the rather mundane sweeping job she is doing without complaint.

Picture 5 is probably my least favourite, i think because it doesn't show the lady being enticing or sexy for the man. Yes she is taking good care of herself and her grooming routines, but she seems very insular and almost like she is doing it for her own benefit, whereas i like to think of my body as being kept in good shape for Sir's benefit. So that's probably why i don't like that picture so much, though it's still a nice one to look at with a hint of her titties peeping out the top of the towel.

As i've said before, there's something about the 1950s era that really appeals to me, though i do realise that it was a tough time to live through. Attitudes and roles just seemed simpler in those days, and i feel like i would have been able to be myself more openly without worrying about other people's reactions. Please leave comments about your views on these pictures or links to any other 1950s pictures you also like - thanks!

So yesterday was the big day - the day of William's EEG to find out if the ACTH injections have had any effect on his infantile spasms, whether we need to increase the dose, continue for another few weeks, or wean him off of it. For some reason each EEG seems to get more difficult and more stressful than the last, but i'm glad that i didn't follow the doctor's advice and keep William up most of the night so he would be tired enough to fall asleep during the test (super cranky baby and super stressed and tired mummy do not make a good combination), because i turned out to be right in that i was able to soothe him off to sleep swaddled in a blanket in my arms. William still hated the process of having those electrodes glued to his head and screamed his head off throughout (which probably also tired him out enough to sleep afterwards), but the staff were very patient and understanding and we didn't feel at all rushed or pressurised into dealing with William in a certain way, which is good. Finn, bless him, was very concerned about what was happening to his brother, but Sir was there to comfort him whilst i was holding William.

And the results? Good news - there was no sign of the classic infantile spasms pattern on the EEG, so the consultant said we can start weaning William off the injections over the next 2 weeks, then keep him away from confined public spaces for another week after that due to his weakened immune system, but then he can go back to his usual activities such as baby therapy and story sessions at the library. And hopefully the infantile spasms will never return. Sorry not to sound more excited about the results, but the consultant also told us that with the infantile spasms pattern no longer clogging up the EEG, the extent of William's other types of seizures are becoming more apparent, and he has what can only be described as 'complex' epilepsy which will likely be difficult to treat. Combine that with the fact that he has those 50+ areas of damaged brain that we already know about, plus the 2 areas which have the possibility of growing and pressing on his brain and requiring surgery in the future, and i'm not exactly jumping for joy. Yes we have achieved a victory over one of William's problems, but there's a long way to go yet.

In other William news his physiotherapist was ill this week, so the visual impairment specialist and the occupational therapist visited instead to carry out assessments on William (can i just say at this point how fantastic everyone at the early intervention clinic is?). Basically they strongly suspect that he has a cortical visual impairment (where the brain can't process the information from the eyes, so he can't 'see' it) plus sensory integration/processing disorder affecting his senses of hearing, touch, vestibular and proprioceptive senses (these last two relate to processing body movements and positions, balance, etc), and possibly others which they can't tell yet. So they are referring him to specialist doctors to get the diagnoses confirmed, and once we have that they can lend us some equipment and set up therapy programmes for him to do at home.

In terms of developmental skills William is really at the very beginning in most areas - he doesn't support his own head/neck any better than a newborn really, doesn't move his arms or legs with any purpose, doesn't reach for things or bat at them, doesn't voluntarily grasp objects (he keeps his hands clenched shut the whole time), doesn't release objects once they have been put into his hand, doesn't explore his hands and feet, doesn't kick with his legs, doesn't mouth his fingers or objects, doesn't look at or focus on objects or people's faces, doesn't turn his head to look at things, doesn't track bright objects with his eyes, doesn't look at his reflection in a mirror, doesn't babble or vocalise (except for a very occasional happy coo), doesn't sit with support, doesn't push through his legs when held in a standing position, doesn't push up from the floor when on his tummy, doesn't roll over, doesn't have different cries for different needs (he reacts to everything with the same cross scream), doesn't turn towards sounds, doesn't respond to his name. He still needs help breastfeeding, is difficult to settle to sleep, has to have things done in a certain way else he gets very cross, hates things touching his head or face, hates certain textures including some of his clothes so we have to give them to Finn instead, has long screaming spells for no apparent reason, hates certain sounds (sirens, telephones, the microwave), needs to be held and rocked and cuddled and massaged and touched lots and lots, doesn't react well to people other than me, Sir, Poppy and Finn, and is generally quite a tricky little bean.

But i love him very much, he is my little William, and i will do whatever is needed to help him and support him and enable him to develop to whatever his potential may be. (Oh and btw, the loft has been measured and the plans have been drawn up to convert it, now we're just waiting for council approval and then the work can begin on William's sensory/therapy rooms).

So this would normally be the time of the year to look back at last year's resolutions and reflect on how well i kept them, and then to set different ones for this year right? Well in looking back at my resolutions for 2010 i realised that i haven't kept any of them, partly due to not trying very hard with some of them, but also due to circumstances outside of my control. And also because of life changes throughout the year which made some of them less relevant than they were when i set them. Lets take a look at them in more detail and you'll see what i mean:

#1. to deepen my relationship with flame by spending more quality time with her whenever possible:
this resolution, or something similar, has featured high on my list for the past couple of years, ever since i felt like she was slipping away from me and our relationship wasn't what it once had been. i made this my number one priority at the start of 2010 and felt confident that by today, at the start of 2011, i would be able to say that i had kept this resolution and mine and flame's relationship was stronger than ever. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Not through lack of trying, mind you - i have made the effort to pm her whenever she is in channel, i have asked about her day, been interested in what's new in her life, worried about her health, wanted to help her, offered to listen, tried to start up chats, instigated hugs and touches and 'lap' time, even sat down and asked her several times what the problem is between us and listened to what she had to say and took action to try and correct the 'faults'. And eventually i have come to the conclusion that whatever we had, whatever relationship or connection there was between us, has fizzled out and gone. We've both moved on in our lives, both changed and grown in opposite directions, and it seems that we no longer connect in the way that we once did, and because of that she has lost interest in maintaining our relationship and decided it would be better if we both moved on. Perhaps i should have decided the same thing a while back, but flame was my first (and only) girlfriend and i was determined to keep our relationship alive. i will always love her and respect her and admire her, and i will be eternally grateful to her for her help and guidance and support and love when i was new and inexperienced and unsure. And i will never love another woman in the same way that i did and still do love her. But it's time to let her go. And it's also time to give up on that resolution.

#2. to extend my use of this blog to help me deepen in my slavery:
at the beginning of 2010 i had noble ideas about how i would spend more time on this blog and diversify it to include more polls and surveys, more questions and quizzes, more reflections and thoughts, more discussions and content drawn from other blogs, more regular postings on initiatives like 'gratitude Tuesday' or 'fill-in Friday'. And i did try to do some of these things - i put in a formspring box and have been steadily working my way through questions asked by readers, i have put up and analysed some polls, discussed my thoughts on some blogposts by other subs, etc. But it hasn't been consistent and to be honest i'm not sure there is an improvement in 2010's posts when compared to 2009's, which was the whole point of this resolution in the first place. i know why it happened, life got in the way - being pregnant with twins, lacking energy and time, worrying about William and coping with his condition, looking after 3 children under the age of 3 as well as running a household and spending time with Sir and everything else - it all meant that i wasn't able to spend ages designing surveys for this blog, or remember to post every Tuesday/Friday/Sunday on a certain initiative, or have the mental energy to write loads of really insightful discussions on BDSM issues. So i ended up writing little bits and pieces about what was happening in my life, taking part in the weekly initiatives rather sporadically, posting the occasional poll, and every now and then producing a post of substance with my thoughts and views and carefully thought-out opinions. And you know what? Scrap the resolution, i don't care about it - this is my blog and it's the best i can manage it to be at the current time, given all the other demands on my time and attention. So another resolution cast into the online bin and another resolution i won't be worrying about in 2011.

#3. to be more proactive in my slave training and seek out ways in which i can develop myself:
this was another victim to circumstances. Had i given birth to one baby this year, as we initially imagined i would, and had that baby been perfectly healthy and settled into a routine as easily as Poppy did, and so been able to be looked after on a weekly basis by both my mother and my sister (again as Poppy was), then Sir would have been able to resume His training of me and i would have had certain areas in which to carry out research, learn new things, practice new skills, etc. But our lives took a different turn, so much so that we took the decision to reprioritise things and put all of the BDSM stuff to the bottom of the pile, which meant that my slave training got put on hold until further notice. Not that i would have time anyway to be proactive in my training and seek out ways to develop myself, even if i had current areas in which to do so. Yes i do miss it, and yes i do wish we had the opportunity for regular training/play sessions, but there's other aspects which must take precedence at the moment - namely taking care of William, looking after his health, researching things we can do to try to improve his situation, attending all of his many appointments, carrying out his daily therapy, as well as taking care of Finn and Poppy and ensuring that they don't miss out in terms of love, attention, time, resources, stimulation and activities. After which we have to do the shopping, cooking, housework, etc, and ensure there is enough time for us to connect as a couple, have some 'down' time, opportunities to relax etc. Which leaves no time (or energy or mental strength) at all for any BDSM training. That's just the way it is, and the way it's likely to stay for quite a while, so another resolution scrapped.

So no resolutions for me in 2011, which i actually find strangely liberating. i am waiting to see what life throws me this year, waiting to find out what new challenges i will be given, and perhaps then i will be able to set myself some mini resolutions/tasks to help me through each problem that i face. But for now i start with a clean slate and an open mind, ready to adapt to what the new year might bring for me and my family.

And Happy New Year everyone.

If you owned a boat, what would you name it?

Never really been interested in boats or sailing (though our honeymoon cruise round the med was great) - seems like too much work to own, upkeep and sail your own boat to me! But i guess if it was my own personal boat i would call it 'the libster', which is a nickname that some of my friends on the chatrooms call me. Otherwise i would call it one of Sir's terms of endearment for me such as 'sweet pea'.

What's your favourite Halloween candy?

Again i don't really have one because here in the UK they don't bring out special sweets, just for Halloween, we have the normal kind which we give to the kiddies. But if this question was 'what's your favourite candy?' i would say most of the chocolate bars would fall into this category - wispa, flake, double decker, aero, lion, twirl, drifter, bounty, etc.

What are you most scared of?

Something happening to Sir or one of my children - that's what worries me the most and keeps me awake at night. But if you're talking about phobias then i'm scared of dogs, moths and i don't really like heights.

Ask me anything