a submissive's musings: February 2011

Being vs doing

i've been thinking recently about the differences between physical and mental submission, as well as the differences between 'being' submissive and 'doing' submissive acts, inspired by this post by Sir J of 'A Dominant Character, and this post by rayne of 'Insatiable Desire'. i think this is particularly relevant to my life at the moment when due to our circumstances i am not able to exhibit my submissiveness to Sir in the same ways that i used to, and He is also not able to show His Dominance over me in quite so overt ways as before. Yet we are still very much Master and slave, even if someone observing our day-to-day lives right now would probably not pick up on that. And the reason that we are able to still feel like we are Master and slave, still identify as such, is that our relationship is based not only on 'doing' and the physical aspects of a M/s dynamic, but also on 'being' and the mental aspects as mentioned in the posts i linked to above.

i think in a M/s or D/s relationship it's important for both parties to understand the difference between being/feeling submissive and doing/acting submissive. Everyone in their daily lives has to act submissive towards others at times, due to the fact that they are your boss or superior at work, or they have a high-ranking job such as a policeofficer. Protocol would demand for example that i act in a submissive manner towards the Queen (if i ever met her!) no matter what my personal opinion of her was or whether i actually felt submissive to her or not. So we are all capable of acting in a submissive manner in order to reaffirm the status of those around us in comparison to ourselves (and also we all expect certain others to act in a submissive manner towards us - for example pupils to their school teacher, those 'below' us at work, people who are paid to help/serve us e.g. waiters). But it is clear that though everyone is capable of acting in a submissive way ('doing') in order to get on in life, it does not necessarily reflect how we feel inside or what our personalities are. That's not what being a submissive is about.

'Being' a submissive then is more than the physical act of submitting as discussed above. Of course in any M/s or D/s relationship the physical acts of submission are important and do play their part in reaffirming the roles in the dynamic and meeting some of the needs of the participants. But a M/s or D/s relationship can continue to thrive when all or most of these physical acts of submission are taken away. Because 'being' submissive is intrinsic to every interaction within such a dynamic, it is the basis of how one feels about and towards the other person, it is very much a mental and emotional thing, an internal set of characteristics and choices that make one be submissive, even if not in an outward, obvious way. It is worth pointing out at this stage that some people can have very domineering, forceful characters, yet still be a submissive to the right person. It is very much a deliberate choice, rather than a mere conforming to what society dictates you do in certain circumstances. And someone who has some natural 'submissive' characteristics, such as being quiet and unsure and not very confident which leads them to following the directions of others and doing as they're told..... again some of these people may also 'be' submissive in a D/s sense, but not necessarily all or most of them.

It's confusing i know, but i hope my muddled brain has managed to explain at least some of what i've been pondering here. And let me know what you think on this subject!

1. Oooooh I can't believe i'm doing one of these on an actual Friday!

2. People who drop their litter on the street, I can't stand it!

3. How the heck did i end up with so many towels?

4. The local duck pond, with the twins and a couple of slices of bread, is one of my favourite places to visit.

5. I'm not a slut, I'm not!

6. Cheese and salad cream toasted sandwiches, it has to be good.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to hopefully chatting with flame, tomorrow my plans include clothes shopping for the kiddies as they're all getting so big, and Sunday I want to watch Poppy's ballet class.

formspring.me #67

Our Son is aware of our lifestyle. He wants to be a master like his dad. What is the appropiate age for him to begin training.

i'm not even sure how to go about answering this, as the subject of children and BDSM is a tricky one. Personally i don't think that children should be exposed to the lifestyle, just as they shouldn't be exposed to sexual or adult content while they're still children. Of course if questions arise (as they might do about sex in general) i think they should be answered in a basic way but still without corrupting the child's innocence - to me it's definitely possible to expose a child to too much, too soon. And to be honest i wouldn't discuss the details of my vanilla sex life with my children, so why should i discuss the fact that i'm in the BDSM lifestyle? Obviously i don't know how old your son is, and he may well be grown up and old enough to make his own decisions about these things. But for some reason i feel uncomfortable about a son following in his father's footsteps in this way, and i certainly feel uncomfortable about a father training his son up to be a Dom/Master. Sorry just my view.

Someone kind of asked this before, but it was a little vague....about do you wish you had met Sir earlier. Personally, do you wish that you had been introduced into BDSM earlier and met Sir Earlier? Like Early/Mid 20's instead of late?
i don't really see how that would have made my life better in any way. It would only have meant that i would have been married sooner and possibly had children sooner, but i don't consider myself to be an old mum, so i don't really see that as an advantage. i guess maybe if i'd known about BDSM in my early 20s and met Sir then we could have had more time together just as a D/s couple, training and stuff, before settling down to make a family. But then again i don't think i was ready character-wise back then to be a slave, i was still too insecure and self-conscious so it probably wouldn't have worked out so well and i might have been put off the whole idea. So on the whole i have to say no, i think i was introduced to BDSM and met Sir at just the right point in my life.

Ask me anything

Yes another post about William, but there's lots of exciting news which i can't wait to share! i guess you'll just have to skip this post if you're not interested, cos guess what? It's my blog!

So this morning the physio came to do her usual weekly session with William, and as promised she brought the occupational therapist and the visual impairment specialist with her. Now that William has been officially diagnosed with both cortical visual impairment and sensory intergration/processing disorder he is entitled to input from both those ladies and the loan of certain pieces of equipment too. Also i was keen to get the opinions of all 3 ladies on what items to purchase for his rapidly-being-built sensory room!

The OT gave me lots of advice on sensory activities to do with William and how to gradually overcome his sensitivities to allow him to tolerate a wider range of textures, touch on all his body parts and hopefully to use his hands to feel, hold and explore things. Also she gave us a special brush and taught me how to do body brushing with him to calm his nervous system and hopefully make him less resistant to certain experiences, and she made loads of great recommendations for sensory room stuff: basically there should be boxes of auditory toys and tactile toys to encourage sensory exploration (already got lots of those), 'fiddly' toys which need maniulating in different ways to encourage his fine motor development, a ball pool to give his body feedback on where he is in space (already got one of those), resonance toys/equipment which vibrate and play music through them, and some kind of swinging/rocking toys if possible (already got a caterpillar rocker). So this is what i've chosen from 2 different companies for those needs:

an activity board requiring different hand and finger movements

an activity cube with different things to turn, move and manipulate

a baby swing which can be used on the front and on the back

a resonance racing car which plays music through it and also converts the music to vibrations

The visual impairment specialist gave us a light box to use with William, which is basically just a screen that lights up very bright onto which we can put pictures, photos, objects, basically anything we want William to look at and because of the light he should be able to see them better and focus on them and take in the information from them. She tried it out with him and he was really responsive and interested in it, which is great news because i'm so aware of how much he's missing out on in not being able to 'see' things or to feel them - it must be really holding his development back. We've got this light box on loan to use for 3 months, but i reckon if it helps William we'll get one of our own after that time. She also had recommendations for his sensory room: boxes of light up toys and brightly coloured toys (which we've already got) and UV toys with a UV light in there, any equipment which uses lights and colours such as a bubble tube, fibre optics, a mirror ball, etc, a projector which can be used on the wall to make different colours and patterns, mirrors on the wall to encourage him to look at himself and other objects in them, and she recommended there should be some pieces of equipment which he can control and operate himself. So this is what i want to get, though some of it is expensive:

UV sensitive toys and equipment

a disco ball operated by a large press switch

a mirror ball with coloured lights shining on it as it turns

a bubble tube surrounded by mirrors, with a base to sit on and controlled by coloured switches

large coloured fibre optics which are also UV sensitive

a fibre-optic corner island (beanbag) with thinner white lights and mirrors behind

a wall projector with different colour splodge patterns

padded shape wall mirrors

The physio today was really impressed with William's improved head and neck control - he worked really hard in his session and held his head up for several seconds, several times, which is the best he's ever done! She said she can tell that i'm doing the programme with him when she's not there and it's really paying off so i was pleased that i'm doing something to help him. The physio reckons his head and neck strength will continue to improve gradually now, so that by the time he's about 1 year old he should have good enough control over it not to need to be supported by an adult or piece of equipment anymore. And then we can work on his sitting skills! For the sensory room the physio recommended: soft play equipment which encourages climbing, stepping, crawling and sliding, any toys that require reaching out, posting into holes, shaking, banging, pressing etc. and some kind of supports to help him sit when accessing these toys. Here's what i've chosen based on that advice:

a musical rolling toy with balls in activated by a large press switch

a musical table to encourage him to sit and use different hand/arm movements

a ball posting toy which most special needs kiddies love

supportive seats to help with his sitting

a soft play set suitable for toddlers with steps, a slope and a tunnel

i've also chosen to include a box of 'speech therapy' toys (which i've already put together - stuff like small mirrors, an echo mike to encourage vocalisations, a sound-activated vibrating crab, mouthing and teething toys), his baby beanbag, an aromatherapy diffuser which also has different relaxing music, the physio roll which we've been using for his therapy, and i'm wanting to get the whole floor covered with padded mats (i got a quote of approx £1000 for the size of the room) and a 'sound to light panel' which produces different light patterns in response to vocalisations:

i figure that he likes lights so why not use them to encourage him to make vocalisations?

i know this seems like a lot of stuff, but it's a biggggggg room (basically it's the size of 3 bedrooms put together) and i figure that if William needs this stuff and it's going to help him then why not? Also some of the things are for the future because he can't access them now, but we plan on having this room for a long time so i don't see that as a problem and we may as well buy everything in one go. i made a simple plan of where i think the equipment should go and it looks ok to me but i'll get the builders to check it out using proper measurements and everything! Then they'll also know where to put the electric points for some of the equipment that needs it. i phoned up both sensory companies and they said that all the stuff i'm after is already in stock and can be delivered sometime next week, so that's good news too. Now to just check with Sir and see if i've gone way over our budget (He told me to make a list without knowing the budget first, then we'll scale it back if necessary). Fingers crossed.

i'm finding myself becoming increasingly frustrated with people who mean well but ultimately get it wrong and make things worse. Yes they're much better than those who are intentionally and outwardly prejudiced towards William, but the steady 'drip drip drip' of good intentions but poor judgement is starting to get to me so i need to vent some of my frustrations here. Feel free to skip this post if you want.

An example of what i'm talking about: recently i've started trying to introduce solids to the boys. Finn took to it like a natural, eating competently from a spoon the first time i tried (without too much mess!) and thoroughly enjoying the rice cereal and applesauce i have given to him so far. William on the other hand is not so impressed and has refused to take any solids at all, even when i dabbed some on my nipple prior to breastfeeding him - it makes him very very cross indeed! So what i've decided to do is get him used to taking some of my milk on a spoon first and then gradually mix small amounts of solids into this, until eventually he is taking just the solids. A plan which i thought was going well so far even though he hasn't actually accepted the spoon into his mouth yet, he is curious about it and not screaming at it, so i thought it was just a matter of time........
In comes the health visitor today who tells me i'm going completely the wrong way about it and it's 'just' his sensory sensitivities preventing him from trying the solids so we need to get him past that so he can actually taste the solids and 'discover that he likes them'. Then she proceeds to smear his lips with the rice cereal which makes him cry very loudly, which she ignores and moves onto opening his hands up (he keeps them closed into fists usually) so that she can smear more rice cereal on them for him to 'explore'. Of course William does not explore either the rice cereal on his lips or in his hands, he just screams and screams and screams. At which point the health visitor mumbles something about him 'needing more time' and beats a hasty retreat, leaving me with an extremely cross William who needs cleaning up and soothing and then feeding. All of which took a long time, so he was late going down for his nap (as was poor Finn who was wondering what on earth was happening), so i'll probably have 2 cranky boys to take to William's hospital appointment later.

i know she was only trying to help and 'do her job' but as William's mother i feel that i know him the best out of anyone so surely she should have listened better when i told her what i think the best solution is for him? i wonder how many babies like William she has actually worked with, or if she knows much about his condition at all. And what exactly is her philosophy behind stressing out and 'forcing' a baby with extreme sensory sensitivities to experience a sensation he was clearly avoiding because he hates? And why when she realised her plan hadn't worked did she feel the need to leave so hastily, leaving me to clear up the mess (literally and figuratively)? i don't think i'll be taking anymore of her advice or letting her try out her little theories on William again because she clearly doesn't know him well enough to be able to be of much help. So thanks for your well-intentioned 'assistance' Mrs health-visitor, but leave well alone in future.

Another example: those people in the supermarket or the library or just out on the street who see the double pushchair and come over exclaiming 'twins? how lovely!'. Then when they get closer and start interacting with the boys and realise that William doesn't give eye contact or show much response to being chatted to or support his own head or grasp their finger or any of those things that Finn does so well, they either go quiet and walk away or they ignore William completely and carry on playing with Finn as if suddenly i don't have twins after all but only one baby. Or if William has a seizure when we're out somewhere and it's an obvious one, i'll get people coming over asking what's wrong with him (he tends to make a funny noise which draws their attention) and when i explain that he's having a seizure they tut and look at me like it's my fault and i should be doing something to stop it or at least be doing something more dramatic than just holding him and soothing him. Or they'll point out to me that Finn is crying (he always gets upset during William's big seizures) and tell me i should be looking after him 'because he's aware of what's going on'. Or they'll ask if i should be bringing William out with 'problems' like that. Or they'll tell me to go home or say 'can't you take him somewhere else?', presumably so they don't have to ever be aware of the fact that some babies have disabilities.

i'm sure that it's difficult for them when they realise that William has some kind of disability and they don't know what to say or how to interact with him, but pretending he's not there isn't going to make him or me feel any better (though it might solve the problem for them). And trying to give me well-intentioned advice in the middle of a William seizure is neither the time nor the place, especially as they have no knowledge of his condition or the correct procedures to follow during a seizure or of our particular circumstances. i'm aware that it would make things much more comfortable for them if i just took Finn out in public, so there wasn't that awkward moment when William doesn't perform in the way that they expect a baby of his age to. And i'm sure it would be much more comfortable for them if they didn't have to deal with the knowledge that some babies have disabilities and medical problems by seeing one have a seizure in the middle of the supermarket. But i'm not going to lock William away, or deny him the stimulation he gets from all the places we go to. So all those busybodies in the supermarket and other public places: you'd better get used to it because we're going nowhere.

Another example: those other mums at the early intervention clinic we go to each week who tell me that i'm doing too much with/for William, over-stimulating him, tiring myself out by doing so much therapy and activities with him, spending too much money on equipment and creating a sensory room for him, that i need to be spending more time and focus on my other children and my husband and leave William's needs to the 'experts' (i.e. the hydrotherapy and physiotherapy he gets once a week each), that i'm not spending enough time on me or looking after my needs, that i'll burn myself out, that i can't possibly keep going like this, that it's unhealthy for me and for William, that i haven't accepted his disability, that i'm trying to find a cure for him, that i'm placing too much hope in all these treatments and therapies and activities (that last comment came when i mentioned that i wanted William to be assessed this week by an osteopath with experience in special needs babies who is visiting the clinic - most mums have said they will not be getting their baby assessed, that she's just after the money, making false claims, that she can't help). They usually go on to compare themselves to me, tell me about all the people who look after their special needs baby for them to give them time to themselves, tell me about their wonderful relationship with their husband/partner, describe all the fantastic achievements of their other children, and then go on to say that they have to be 'realistic' about their special needs baby and accept that he/she may never achieve much.

i refuse to give up on William and just leave him to his fate without trying everything possible that may help. And yes that may mean spending out money on treatments and clubs and equipment that he needs. And yes that may mean me continuing his therapies everyday (because the health system here dictates he is only entitled to therapy from a professional once a week). And yes that may mean i have less time to spend on me, and that the remaining time i do have is spent on Finn and Poppy and my husband. i'm not saying that my way is better, that i'm looking after my special needs baby better than they are, or that William's progress will be more than their babies because of all that i'm doing. i'm not criticising them for leaving the therapy to the experts, for keeping their babies at home the rest of the week, for not building a sensory room in their loft, for using friends and family members to take their little one off their hands for some of the time (infact i'm planning to start doing that myself soon). i'm not in anyway saying that i'm a better mum than they are, i'm just a different mum with a different baby with different challenges and needs and i'm doing the best i can in the circumstances i find myself. So to all those other mums at the clinic (and it's not all of them, but it is most of them): concentrate on your own parenting skills and stop judging mine, i'll do whatever i think is right for my own baby and would appreciate support rather than criticism.

One more example: the people in the chatrooms i visit who either make comments like 'i can't believe how often you're here considering you have baby twins!' or 'i've given up greeting libby now because she doesn't always answer'; i can only assume they're jealous of the friendships i have in that room (with Dom/mes as well as subs) or think i'm 'getting away with not following the rules' because i sometimes don't greet people entering (due to watching William or he's having a seizure) or because i sometimes fall asleep without marking myself afk. To all those people i'd like to say: please put yourself in my shoes, imagine how hard it is to be bringing up 3 children under the age of 3, one of whom has significant disabilities and problems, imagine having to watch your baby suffer numerous seizures everyday and know there's nothing you can do to stop them, imagine your D/s life being put on hold for the foreseeable future due to these problems...... wouldn't you choose to spend your free time (evenings after the kiddies are sleeping) in an environment you find relaxing where you can catch up with your friends and interact in the way which feels most natural to you and which is lacking in your real-life at the moment, where you're accepted for who and what you are without having to hide it, and where some allowances are made for your personal circumstances at the moment? i'm sorry if it offends you in someway, but i don't intend to stop coming to the chatrooms anytime soon, so you'd better get used to it. Any problems, i suggest you speak to Ben.

Wow, that was quite a rant but i do feel better for it. i think some of my frustrations are due to the fact that the gap between Finn and William seems to be widening everyday now, that William is getting more and more left behind, and that even though we have stopped the Infantile Spasms there hasn't been the spurt in development that i hoped would happen and he still has numerous other seizures everyday. Hopefully the consultation with the neurologist later today will give us some new things to try, and hopefully he will continue making progress with his head control like he did in his therapy yesterday (yes the daily therapy that i carry out that some of those other mothers told me wouldn't do any good).

So as not to make this blogpost all doom and gloom, i also want to note here all the things Finn can do now he is the grand old age of 6 months (which will also highlight how much William is not doing, but not in a critical way as i know it's not his fault): Finn can now sit independently for quite long periods of time (though he does still topple over sometimes), roll over both ways from his front and his back, roll over and over repeatedly to move across the floor, push through his legs and bounce when held upright by a person or piece of equipment, lift his arms to be picked up, give hugs, interact with others and initiate these interactions, maintain interactions through different vocalisations, body movements, eye contact, facial expressions, smiles and giggles, have babble conversations with an adult, try to 'talk' to William, play simple turn-taking games with an adult, look to see where objects have fallen, reach for and grasp objects, bring them to his mouth, move them from hand to hand, shake, pat and squeeze them, blow bubbles and make raspberries, imitate tongue, mouth and other movements, copy lots of signs and spontaneously sign 3 different words (milk, ball, bath), try to imitate some sounds after an adult or Poppy, babble with lots of different consonant sounds over and over, squeal, coo, 'sing', kick in a coordinated way, explore toys and objects independently and purposefully, activate cause and effect toys and repeat the actions, look at books with an adult, and on and on and on. There's so much he can do and he seems to learn new skills everyday, whereas William only lays there, can't support his head, will only lift it very briefly on his tummy, keeps his hands closed, doesn't use his hands, arms or legs purposefully, can't play with any toys by himself, doesn't hold anything (or doesn't let go if something is forced into his hand), doesn't make eye contact or show much interest in people, doesn't look at or focus on things except lights or brightly coloured objects (only briefly), doesn't make any sounds except for crying or screaming (we haven't heard his happy noise for a while now), doesn't interact in anyway with others and is refusing to even try solids. It just makes me sad and i don't want to be, but that's how i feel today.

Sorry, depressing post over.

that keeps me going as a slave, that stops me from feeling like that side of me is completely dormant during my pregnancies or like now when we've decided to reprioritise and focus on the children for a while, i figured out what that one thing is, what the crucial element in my life has to be in order to keep my slave side alive. You know what it is?

Being useful.

Not even necessarily in a slave-like way, doesn't have to be anything to do with D/s, doesn't even have to be being useful to Sir though i would hope that i always am and i certainly make the effort to every single day, because i think that's an important basis to our relationship. But just so long as i can feel that i am being useful in my daily life - to my friends, to my children, to Sir, to other members of my family, to people on the chatrooms, to my blog readers, even to strangers i meet when i go out into the big wide world.... if i can be useful then my slave side keeps ticking over, until such time as we can reignite the BDSM side of our relationship properly when circumstances allow. Being useful is what got me through both my pregnancies when i felt like otherwise i wasn't being much of a slave, it's also what got me through the PND and probably what kept me from completely sinking into a little pit of despair because i knew i couldn't do that as there were people (not least of whom an innocent baby) depending on me and i had to be useful to them, and it's also what's keeping me going through our current circumstances where due to having young twins one of whom has special needs we're not able to be so active in our M/s relationship as we once were.

Being useful. Such a little thing, but one that means so much to me. Just thought i'd share.

When you were a child, what did you see yourself doing? How different is your life now from how you imagined it?

When i was a child i had a natural inclination to please people and be helpful and useful, so i always saw myself doing a 'caring' job such as a teacher/nurse or a 'service' job such as a waitress or maid. i was also convinced that i would get married and have children and spend my days at home looking after them and doing the housework and preparing dinner for when my husband got home.

i guess in many ways my life has turned out just like that: i am married, i do have children, i do spend my days looking after them and keeping the house in order and i (sometimes) cook the dinner. i had a 'caring' job working with special needs kiddies in a nursery, and i still have the need to be useful and helpful and pleasing to others. The only part i didn't foresee was the BDSM part, but then i wasn't aware of that when i was a child (just as it should be) so i couldn't exactly predict that.

Do you think moral statements are truth; is it relevant to call a moral statement true or false?
This is a bit of a deep philosophical question, but i think on the whole i would be inclined to answer "no". i don't think it is possible to give a blanket answer for any moral statement and say that it is always 'true' or 'false' in every situation, at every time, for every person, because circumstances and viewpoints differ. Some moral statements for example have changed over time, so that something most people would answer 'true' to now most people would have answered 'false' to in the past, and the same applies for different cultures or different places in the world. Most people's morals are heavily influenced by the society that have grown up in. But what i do think is possible to say is that for an individual person certain moral statements might always be 'true' or 'false' and this may hold the same for the whole of their lifetime. So for me as an individual i can call a moral statement 'true' or 'false' but not apply that to every other person or people in general.

What is your favourite family holiday tradition?
i have a few! i love the whole putting up the Christmas tree and other decorations thing, especially now that Poppy is able to help. And i love decorating the house for Halloween and choosing costumes for the kids and sending Poppy out trick-or-treating and answering the door to all the other kiddies and giving them goodies. And i love painting eggs and boiling them at Easter and having an egg hunt in the garden. There's too many great traditions for me to choose just one.

I wonder if babysigning might be of particular use to you? I ask because I'm a babysigning teacher (in the vanilla world).
i used babysigning with Poppy from a young age and she really took to it well and was able to sign before she could talk (i think her first sign was around 7-8 months) and she continued to use signs for quite a while to supplement her speech and make herself clearer. With Finn and William i have used it since birth and Finn has been copying my signs for a while and is now signing some of them spontaneously to ask for things (milk, bath and ball so far), which is so exciting! i'm hoping that as William develops he will be able to use signs too and i think it will be really useful that Poppy and Finn both know signing so that they can communicate with William better in the future.

Ask me anything

sin wrote a post on her blog about Valentine's Day and how she feels it doesn't really 'jive' with a D/s relationship because of the romantic love and 'man wooing fair lady' connotations associated with it. She also mentions that she would be worried that her Big Bad Dom would change and turn into a sensitive lover and she would change from an obedient submissive into a bossy controlling girlfriend if they celebrated occasions such as V Day together. And a final point she brings up is what could she do to make Valentine's Day special when as a submissive she spends every day of the year doing exactly what He wants and paying Him special attention. In mine and Sir's relationship we do celebrate occasions such as Valentine's Day and i don't feel it impinges on the M/s dynamic at all, so i wanted to offer an alternative view on these points.

Firstly i need to make it clear that it is Sir's choice to continue celebrating things like Valentine's Day, my birthday, our wedding anniversary, our collaring anniversary, etc. i am the slave and have no say in these things, so if He decided not to commemorate them in any way there's nothing i could do about it. In fact i think it makes those days more meaningful - that my Sir is celebrating them because He wants to not because He feels obliged to, as in many vanilla relationships where the man has to buy the woman flowers and take her out to dinner to avoid a major argument. my Sir celebrates those occasions with me of His own free will not because He feels He has to, thus turning them from a 'Hallmark holiday' into something a lot more special. i think this gets round the issue of the man 'wooing' the fair lady, which sin seems to feel makes him somehow submissive and her have all the power. Also of course the Dom in that situation is still in control of the celebrations, so may well decide to 'celebrate' by giving the sub a good flogging rather than with the more traditional flowers/chocolates/candlelit meal!

It also needs to be said here that long-term D/s or M/s relationships are multi-faceted. It's not BDSM all day every day, because people live in the real world where bills need to be paid, shopping has to be done, the car needs fixing, people get ill, etc. Add to that the fact that Masters/Doms/slaves/subs etc are real people with real feelings and are capable of interacting with each other in many different ways (just as in the vanilla world too) and it becomes clear that a Dom and sub can have romantic, tender, loving moments without their D/s relationship crumbling and falling apart. Many D/s relationships are built upon love, and this is especially true when the couple are married - it would seem weird for all romance to be banned from the relationship entirely or to be only shown by the sub in case it undermines the Dom's authority. In my view a good Dom will be able to maintain His authority and control in all situations, He's not suddenly going to lose that because He happened to buy His sub a box of chocolates. True control is mental anyway, not manifested in physical acts. By my Sir buying me presents for these occasions (and yes sometimes for no reason at all), He is demonstrating His love for me in ways that may be comparable to the vanilla world, but in no way undermine His standing as my Master and my Sir.

Now onto the final point - what can a submissive do to make Valentine's Day special when she spends every day attending to the every whim of her Dominant? Well i don't buy my Sir presents every day for a start, nor do i spend hours cooking an elaborate meal for Him every day (back to that real world living thing there). And i certainly don't take the initiative to buy sexy new lingerie and model it for Him every day, or perform a striptease and lap dance wearing it. You get the idea. Of course, just making time to spend together may be all that's needed, especially as most of us are so busy that we don't get to spend as much quality time with our Masters as we would like. Spend that time reconnecting as a couple or doing all the things you know He likes without being told or even trying out something new that you have taken the time to research and practice in secret. Doms and Masters are human too, you know, and will usually appreciate the extra effort and initiative you put into these occasions.

There's my thoughts on the matter, yours may vary but you're very welcome to join the discussion and have your say!

Yesterday was Sir's birthday (i'm not going to say how old He was but if you read back certain blog posts on here you'll be able to work it out.....), and as usual we decided to combine celebrations for His birthday and Valentine's Day as they are so close together. And the day we chose for our double celebrations was today! So once Poppy was safely out of the house at her Nanny and Grampy's and once the twins were changed and fed and happily napping i put on my new lingerie and the celebrations began!

i'm not allowed to give away all the details, but i can tell you that Sir was very appreciative of the new lingerie and that i gave Him a striptease and a lap dance which led onto other things, and that we were both very happy at the end of it. i got some new perfume and some choccies for V Day and i bought Sir the lingerie for Valentine's (even though i'm going to wear it, it isn't something i would normally be brave enough to wear so it's definitely for His enjoyment!) and a watch for His birthday because His nice one stopped working recently, and Poppy made Him a card and all 3 kidlets gave Him a framed photo of them for His desk at work. i'm making a special dinner for later, but otherwise we're just going to spend the day relaxing together.

Oh and for anyone who's interested this is the lingerie i bought:

i reckon it's about time i updated/added to my 'day in the life' series by including a typical daily routine now that we have 3 young children. Obviously each day is different, depending on the feeding/sleeping schedules of the boys, William's health, their moods, what activities we have on, etc., but i'll try to give a general idea here of what it's like to be a slave and a mummy to 3 little ones. (You can find my previous posts like this in the sidebar).

6:00am - William normally wakes up about this time for his first feed of the day, and since his way of announcing his hunger is to scream loudly Finn wakes up too! i always wanted to feed them at the same times anyway, and since Finn is so easygoing with his schedule it makes sense to let William be the one who sets it for both of them, so if William is late in waking i let Finn sleep in too. i feed the boys in bed using a special breastfeeding pillow which supports them really well and leaves my arms free. They normally take about 20mins to feed, but sometimes William is super hungry and wants more. This is also when we give William his morning medicines - keppra and phenobarbitrol - which we syringe into his mouth and he swallows right down.

6:30am - William usually wants another nap after his feed, but Finn is usually ready to start his day, so i change both boys' nappies then lay William back down (swaddled in his special blanket otherwise he gets cranky) in their cot which is in our bedroom, and i get Finn washed and dressed. After saying good morning to Sir who usually wakes up properly around this time (though He can't fail to be woken up by William everyday!), i leave Finn with Sir whilst i go downstairs and make me and Sir a cup of tea, which i bring back to bed. We have some time snuggling and chatting in bed together before we both have to get up and get ready for the day ahead, and i really enjoy this time of the day because it feels like we can properly connect as Master/slave and husband/wife during this time.

7:00am - i go and get Poppy up and washed and dressed and ready for her day, then get Sir's shower running and His clothes laid out on the bed for Him. Whilst He is showering i go downstairs with Finn and Poppy (Sir keeps an eye on the sleeping William) and get the breakfast ready for everyone and make Sir's lunch to take to work. i also pack Poppy's bag to take to nursery because though i try to get it done the night before normally i am too tired, so it has to wait until morning! Poppy likes to 'help' me make the breakfast and she is super cheery in the mornings, chatting away about what she is going to do that day and playing with Finn and making him giggle. i really enjoy making the breakfast with her, it helps wake me up properly and feel prepared for the day ahead.

7:30am - Sir comes downstairs with William (sometimes he is awake by then or sometimes he is still sleeping) and either way i usually pop him into the baby sling to have him snuggled close to me whilst me, Sir and Poppy eat breakfast. Finn sits in his bouncer chair next to the table and babbles away to us all and thoroughly enjoys being part of the hustle and bustle of the family in the morning, but William is still a sleepy-head and needs some quiet snuggle time before he can face the day. The baby sling is a really great way for me to carry him around the house during the day as well, because he seems to need lots of snuggles and cuddles and physical contact but he is getting very heavy to carry now especially as he doesn't have any head and neck control yet so i have to support his head for him. When i have Finn on the other hip it gets very tiring for the arm holding William, so i tend to rely on the sling to carry him around.

8:00am - i clear away the breakfast things, load the dishwasher and make sure Sir and Poppy have everything they need to go to work/nursery. i help Poppy brush her teeth and fix her hair if i haven't had time to do it yet, then i see Sir and Poppy off at the front door - Sir drops her at nursery and then carries on driving to work. i used to feel a bit guilty about sending Poppy to nursery everyday, as she is still a little girl and needs her mummy-time, but she enjoys it so much and looks forward to playing with her friends and learning new things there that i've realised it is the best thing for everyone. And i make sure she gets plenty of mummy time when she is at home.

8:30am - i get William washed and dressed and ready for the day, change the boys' nappies and then jump in the shower. Normally i leave the boys in their bouncer chairs in the doorway so that i can keep an eye on them, and i sing songs to keep them happy whilst i'm in the shower. Luckily William is soothed by the sound of the water so he doesn't get cranky, and as i've said before Finn is a placid young man so rarely gets cross about anything. i can usually get a quick shower in, get dried and dressed without any problems, but sometimes one of them will need a nappy change in the middle of it all, or William will have a seizure or something and i end up seeing to one or other of the boys, dripping wet! i always wear whatever outfit Sir has left out on the bed for me (He also leaves some spares in case of baby accidents during the day! And i put on my necklace collar and my charm bracelet to remind me of who i am).

9:00am - i try to get any chores for the day done early so that then we're free to enjoy the rest of our time. i don't have to worry about too much of the cleaning as we have a lady who comes in once a week to do all that, but i usually put a washload on, maybe do some ironing, have a quick tidy round, that sort of thing. i carry the boys around the house wherever i go - William in the sling and Finn usually has some sitting practice in his Bumbo chair while he watches me do the housework, though he is getting so good at sitting that soon he won't need it! William is also soothed by many of the housework sounds such as the washing machine, tumble drier and hoover, so he's a contented little man whilst i'm getting on with the chores. And i make sure to chat away to the boys constantly whilst we're together, and i can have little conversations with Finn now where he'll babble back at me in the pauses :)

10:00am - we stop for a rest and i make sure both boys have a position change as i don't like them to be in one place for too long. i feed them and change their nappies and then give them some time on the floor or their playgyms, whilst i'm getting everything ready for us to go out (though normally they both take a quick catnap at this time). In the beginning it seemed like such a big task to get everything packed to leave the house, but i've got it down to a fine art now and can be checking in on the boys in between gathering up what we need, packing the various bags we take with us and loading up the buggy. We have quite a busy week and usually have somewhere to go everyday, but they're all within easy walking distance of the house and i find it does all of us good to get out into the fresh air so i don't mind not being able to drive. Mondays we go to the baby stories and songs session in the library in town, Tuesdays we go into the village or to the park or round the town and we now have baby sensory club in the afternoon (i usually try to get William's doctor or hospital appointments scheduled on a Tuesday as well, if he needs any), Wednesdays we go to mummies and babies yoga classes (and there is a mummy and baby swim class i want to take Finn to in the afternoons, just as soon as my mum is confident in looking after William by herself), Thursdays we stay in because William's physio comes over to do his session for an hour and i take the opportunity to spend some special time with Finn (sometimes it feels like everything is about William and his needs, so i think it's important to have one-to-one time with Finn too), and Fridays we go to the early intervention clinic for group therapy and William's hydrotherapy (and i get a chance to chat with other mummies of special babies), whilst my mum looks after Finn. It might seem like a lot, but we all enjoy these activities and it gets us out of the house and being active and meeting other people, and it gives both boys lots of stimulation.

12:00pm - the boys usually take a nap at this time (in their prams as we are still out of the house) so i have some lunch and a chance to sit down and relax! Usually i take a packed lunch out with us so i can eat it wherever we are, but sometimes i treat myself to lunch in a cafe, and the early intervention clinic provides lunch for a really reasonable price so i always eat there and spend more time chatting with the other mums, which helps me to feel less alone in dealing with William and his problems.

1:00pm - lunch time for the boys, either out of the house at one of our clubs/groups or back at home if we've had time to make it back to the house. Sometimes i'll go food shopping on the way back from a club, and sometimes we'll go for a walk or to the park or round the town for some extra fresh air. In the beginning i was very self-conscious about breastfeeding both boys in public because it's hard to do without exposing yourself, but i've had plenty of practice now and so long as i take the special cushion with us i can do it fairly easily and discreetly. The boys also need at least 2-3 nappy changes whilst we're out, but again i've found that much less daunting than i expected to, so long as i change William first otherwise he goes into super-cross mode!

2:00pm - we're usually back at home by now, except for those days when we have an afternoon club. If we're at home we spend the afternoon in 'playtime', and i try to ensure we do a range of activities and something different everyday - here's a list of some of the things we do: stories/looking at books, songs and rhymes, watching the signing videos, listening to music (especially the Baby Einstein CDs), playgym and tummy-time, playing with toys, time in the swings or bouncer seats, interactive games (such as peekaboo, etc). Plus i also make sure that William gets some visual therapy during this time, using light-up or brightly coloured toys to encourage him to look at them, focus on them and track them with his eyes. When the boys are having tummy-time (which Finn loves and William hates) i'll go through a shorter version of William's physio routine with him for about 15-20mins depending on how well he tolerates it. At the moment we're working on him holding his head up when on his tummy, putting his arms down and pushing through them when laying over the small physio roll, opening his hands to feel things and grasping and releasing objects put into his hands.

3:00pm - massage-time! This is the part of the day that the boys and i enjoy the most because it's super-relaxing and also gives us a great chance to bond and get close to each other. i love to watch the expressions on their faces whilst i'm massaging them, and feel them relaxing and getting very still under my hands. i massage William first whilst Finn has some time in his jumperoo or using one of his kick toys, then i lay William in his special baby beanbag whilst i massage Finn. Massage makes William super-docile and he also loves the music, so once he's had his turn he is usually fine with me spending some time with Finn for his turn. i make sure to change their nappies before we begin, so normally there are no interruptions (unless William has a seizure) and we can all enjoy the time together. i spend about 20mins on each baby and then we have some snuggle time afterwards, curled up on the sofa with all 3 of us together, which usually leads into all of us having a well-deserved nap!

4:30pm - i try to get the dinner started or at least prepared before Sir comes home, unless He has said He wants to cook that day or i am using one of the meals we prepare at the weekend and put in the freezer. It all depends on how busy that day has been, how William is, etc. The boys are usually still napping at this point, so i keep popping my head into the lounge to check on them, but i also take the baby monitor into the kitchen with me, plus Finn will always wake up and cry if William has a big seizure so we're pretty well covered!

5:00pm - Sir and Poppy arrive home (Sir collects her from nursery on His way home from work). i change the boys' nappies and feed them whilst spending some time chatting with Poppy, finding out about her day at nursery, answering her many questions, looking at any paintings or crafts or cooking she has brought home with her, telling her what me and the boys have been up to, watching children's TV with her, etc. Sir takes over with cooking the dinner at this point so i can see to the children, and sometimes Poppy will wander through to 'help' him until she sees the boys have finished nursing at which point she will play with them and chat to them and sing to them and generally keep them occupied whilst Sir and i catch up on our days and what has been happening while the dinner cooks. Poppy is really great with the boys and truly loves them so much, it is so sweet to see her with them and Finn responds really well to her and has a great big smile as soon as she comes near him. William likes her singing and can often be soothed by a Poppy song when nothing else works, so he loves her too in his own little way! i try to ensure that i do little things to 'serve' Sir during this time like making Him a drink without being asked, fetching His slippers, massaging His shoulders, etc. as i know He has had a long day at work.

5:45pm - hopefully the dinner is ready by now and we all sit down to eat together, including the boys who join us at the table. Finn has been showing interest in food for a little while now, so i think it's nearly time to start introducing him to solids, but William shows no response to it at all and due to his head control issues he can't sit in a high chair like his brother so he prefers to have some quiet time in his baby sling during dinner except for when he has to come out to have his evening medicines - same routine as in the morning and so far he has taken them really well everyday. Poppy loves her food and is a really good eater so we never have any problems with her being fussy, and Sir is such a great cook and looks after my nutritional needs really well so dinner times are a lovely relaxed social occasion in our family.

6:30pm - after dinner i clear the table and load the dishwasher, then we all go through to the lounge and have some quiet time together before the children's bedtimes. Sir likes to spend this time playing and chatting with the kiddies as He doesn't get much chance otherwise, and He does Poppy's bedtime routine and always has since she was a baby. i think it's really sweet that He takes the time to do this, and it means that Poppy knows she is loved and cared for by both her parents.

7:00pm - Sir starts Poppy's bedtime routine of bath, story, song, lights out. Poppy is normally in bed and asleep by about 7:30pm, then sometimes me and Sir stay downstairs so that He can watch TV whilst i chat on my laptop or sometimes He goes to His study to do some work whilst i come upstairs to get snuggled into bed with my laptop. At some point during the evening Sir always reads the paper and i know not to disturb Him during that time, but otherwise we spend quite a lot of our evening relaxing together, which is a really lovely way to end the day. Sir is also good about helping to change the boys' nappies and get them ready for bed - often He does this by Himself but depending on William's mood sometimes i help Him so that we don't end up with a cranky William! We try to keep the boys nice and quiet and their environment very peaceful during this time so that they can be winding down ready for bed, and they both love a bath so that helps them relax too if it's a bath-night.

8:30pm - final feed of the evening for the boys, normally snuggled in bed using the special pillow. Then i put them down to sleep in their cot and they usually drift off pretty much straight away. That leaves me and Sir free to snuggle and chat and relax together for the rest of the evening - Him with a book or magazine or newspaper or TV programme, me with my laptop catching up with friends on the chatrooms. If i want an evening snack i need to get Sir's permission, and sometimes He will want me to fetch Him a snack or a drink. Plus i always make sure He has a glass of water next to Him and i top it up before we go to sleep every night as He gets thirsty in the night sometimes. In the winter i like to make Him a hot chocolate in the evenings and sometimes i will have done some baking at the weekend and can bring Him a homemade biscuit or cake or brownie or piece of pie.

11:00pm - this is my official bedtime and i am required to shut down my laptop and get ready for bed. Often i am tired before this time so get ready for bed earlier, but sometimes i have drifted off to sleep with my laptop still on! i try not to do this but sometimes i can't help it :/ i make sure Sir has everything He needs for the night and i kneel by the side of the bed and wait to be told to get in - it's a nice slave ritual that we still have that reminds me of my place at the end of each day and it helps to settle me ready for sleep. Usually i get to sleep really quickly once the light is turned off, and sleep right through until 1:30am which is when the boys wake for their nightly feed, unless they wake in the meantime or William has a seizure or Poppy wakes up (which is rare). The boys only nurse once in the night unless they are going through a growth spurt, so i get a decent amount of sleep and Sir gets enough sleep to be able to function properly at work the next day. Poppy never gets woken by the boys, even when William does his super-cross scream, which is a good thing, and she's really good about occupying herself if she wake early in the morning.

So there's my daily routine, more or less. i think it shows how organised we are as a family and how we all work together to support each other. And though the overt M/s elements may be missing from our relationship right now, i hope it shows how Sir and i still love each other and work as a team.