a submissive's musings: March 2011

Humiliation training

As some of you may recall, Sir decided to restart my training again in order to fulfill my slave needs and keep me feeling more in balance. Which i have tried hard not to feel guilty about, and am gradually winning on that front. The training sessions happen when Poppy is out of the house on a Sunday morning (ballet and then at Nanny and Grampy's house), but due to the necessity of having someone watching the twins Sir has arranged for His friend Sir Mark to lead these training sessions with me.

So for the past few weeks i have been waving Poppy off to ballet class, feeding the twins and laying them down for a nap, and then stripping off and putting on the clitty clip to await Sir Mark's arrival. i feel a mixture of dread and excitement when waiting for these sessions because humiliation is not something i find easy, especially when it's not even Sir carrying it out! But afterwards i feel a great sense of relief and achievement and there's a definite feeling of a need being met in me, an ache being soothed, so that i can get through the week more easily until the next session. Sir says He has seen an improvement in my mood and general outlook since the training resumed, which is good news, so we're going to try to keep the Sunday morning slot for the foreseeable future, dependent of course on the changing needs of the twins as they grow.

After today's session Sir Mark instructed me to post about it on here, in order to advance my training even more. To be honest i really don't want to do this, but it's something i have to do so here's my description of what happened in the training and how it made me feel:
Sir Mark brought along a male subbie He is currently training, and i felt very embarrassed and a little tearful about this, but had no real choice other than to go along with it. i decided to try to ignore the boy as much as possible and just concentrate on getting through whatever the session would entail. Sir Mark inspected me then took us both out to the barn where i saw that some straw had been put down in one area. i was told to kneel on all fours on the straw and then told that i was to become a 'human cow'. i hate most types of animal roleplay, especially ones which are humiliating such as being a pig or a cow, so my heart sank when i heard this but i did as i was told. The straw was quite prickly under my knees/legs/hands and longer bits of it kept tickling me as i moved. Then Sir Mark removed the clitty clip and showed me a 'tail' He was going to put into me - basically it was a buttplug with a piece of rope attached to look like a cow's tail. He told jason (the subbie boy) to take off his coat and then stand and watch. Under the coat he had on a contraption round his cock which i have later found out is called 'the gates of hell', but i didn't have much time to study it because then both of them were behind me and i was getting lubed for the insertion of the buttplug.

While the buttplug was being inserted i was taking several deep breaths, trying to get myself into a calm and compliant state of mind. It didn't really work then, but next Sir Mark came round and fitted me with a head harness (complete with bit gag) and i felt myself slip down into a meek and quiet place ready for what was to come. As i guessed, the breast pumps came out next and were fitted to my tits and then turned on. Sir Mark had obviously read up on how to use them because when the automatic programme started (which i have tailored to my comfort levels) he pressed the override button and increased the suction quite a lot so it was very intense. Then He and jason stood back to watch as my milk was sucked out. i kept my head down for most of it and concentrated on breathing deep, and kept reminding myself that every uncomfortable suck from the machine was one suck closer to the end. But still it seemed to take forever to fill the two pots attached.

The pumps and the tail and the harness were removed, and i thought it would all be over then, but suddenly Sir Mark was getting something out of the mini-fridge we keep in the barn, which turned out to be nipple cream (super cold!) which He rubbed into my nipples and aureole. And then the most embarrassing part of the whole thing - He had jason check to see how wet i was. i don't know why i found that the most humiliating part, considering i had just been kneeling there naked with a 'tail' buttplug and breast pumps on, but for some reason that part makes me cringe the most inside whenever i think about it. i suppose it's because it was a subbie boy touching me down there and finding i was wet and showing it to His Dom. i don't know why really but that part was really really humiliating.

Then it was all done and jason was sent to wait in the car, whilst Sir Mark took me back into the house and told Sir i had done well, and gave me instructions about writing this post. Then He was gone too and i spent some time wrapped in my blankie telling Sir about it before it was time for lunch and the twins woke up and we resumed our normal family Sunday routine. i don't know whether i want to hear people's comments on this or not really, but i guess i do, so please can you add your views on the session, what things you find humiliating and how you deal with them? Thanks.

formspring.me #69

Hi there. Just discovered your blog and I love it - a really nice romantic Ds relationship (beautiful wedding vows). Quick question: You stated in 2006 that you whisper 'Sir' in public to address him. Have you adopted any other public terms, since?

In public i tend to try avoiding addressing Sir by any name, which if you listen to most people when they're out in public is what tends to happen anyway, people talk to each other without saying a name first. If we're out with Poppy or the twins i'll use that as an excuse to call Him 'Daddy', as if i'm speaking to Him on behalf of the kids. But generally, no there aren't any special terms we use in public.

Ask me anything

Last night after dinner there was a knock at the door, which surprised me when it turned out to be Eloise! Apparently she phoned Sir a little while back to say that she missed me, so Sir arranged for her to come over for a girlie night in with me. And best of all she brought pretty nail varnishes and a big box of krispy kreme doughnuts with her :)

So we spent the evening chattering and gossiping and being all girly with painting our nails and putting deep conditioning treatments into our hair and mud masks on our faces. And Eloise got to meet the twins and she said they are just adorable :). It was so nice to catch up with each other and we have agreed to try to meet regularly from now on, which makes me very happy.

Here's to lots more girlie times in the future!

Regular readers of this blog will know that William has been receiving fairly intensive therapy for his difficulties since he was only a couple of months old. Currently he receives an hour session with a physio once a week, an hour session of hydrotherapy once a week, an hour session with the osteopath once a week, an hour session of group therapy with other mums and babies at the clinic once a week (combining physio and music and movement), plus i do physio, sensory integration, visual therapy and aromatherapy massage with him daily, and we go to a weekly sensory club. Plus he is due to start having speech therapy when he reaches a year old. It seems like a lot and some of the other mums at the clinic have been critical, saying it's too much for him, he doesn't need it all and it may even be harmful for him to have such intensive therapies, but we're starting to see some very promising results which i wanted to share here.

During the physio sessions we have been working on head and neck control, and holding and releasing objects - William can now support his own head for several seconds at a time and is improving in this every week, he now willingly accepts tummy time rather than screaming for the whole of it and he is trying to open his hands to let go of objects put into them. The physio no longer thinks he will need hand splints in the future, which is great news (she was worried that as he doesn't open his hands or use them in a functional way that the muscles wouldn't develop properly and he would need to have them splinted in an open position every night).

In his hydrotherapy sessions William continues to open his hands by himself to feel the water and his therapist reports that she can feel him making efforts to move his own arms and legs rather than relying on her to do it all. He absolutely loves water and i have been using it with him during therapy sessions at home, and he has been opening his hands when they're placed in a bowl of water and even trying to move his fingers to splash when i help him do this first.

The osteopathy appointments have been going really well so far and William is very relaxed and content during them and for a couple of hours immediately after. It's a little early to be sure whether they are helping him or not yet, but i think he is trying to use his arms, hands and legs in more purposeful and coordinated ways since starting the sessions and his seizures are the most under control that they have ever been (though this could also be due to the new meds or the aromatherapy i have started doing with him). We'll give it a little more time before coming to a verdict on these sessions.

The group therapy sessions at the clinic are as much for me as they are for William, as i have made friends with several of the mums there and it's nice to be able to catch up with each other and share problems, progress and advice. But William does enjoy the sessions and definitely gets something from them - he loves music anyway and listens very attentively to the songs we sing and is beginning to show signs of developing preferences for certain songs and anticipating them when the introductory music is played. Also i have noticed his hands become more relaxed as the session goes on and it becomes easier to wriggle objects into them at the end than it was at the beginning.

In our daily therapy sessions in the new sensory room William is doing great work and clearly enjoying himself and really benefitting from the calming atmosphere and specialist equipment. His visual skills have shown the most improvement as he is very attentive to all the lights in there and will focus on them for quite some time. He has started to be able to track light-up toys with his eyes when i move them slowly in front of him and will try to turn his head and eyes to look at some of his favourite pieces of equipment when he realises they are switched on. i am also doing visual work with him using his light-box around the house and he has been looking really nicely at various colours, shapes, patterns and black and white pictures using this.

William's sensory sensitivities are gradually decreasing, especially after body-brushing with the special brush the occupational therapist gave us, and he is much more willing to try out new sensory experiences rather than automatically trying to avoid them. At the baby sensory club we have found several textures he enjoys and i have been using these with him at home to encourage him to hold, feel and manipulate objects for himself. He will move his hand or arm across a piece of material he likes the feel of and several times he has wriggled himself into a position where he can get his cheek to rub against a favourite texture! i have noticed that his protests about sensory experiences he dislikes (such as having clothes pulled over his head) last for a shorter amount of time now than they used to and some clothes that he absolutely refused to wear he is now happy for me to put on him.

i have also been doing some speech therapy work with William, using my knowledge from working in a special needs nursery unit, because i know how important it is to start early with this kind of thing rather than waiting until speech fails to develop. So far William has shown some progress in this area by developing a new 'protest' sound, by showing interest in mirrors for the first time and by showing a reaction when a noise he made activated lights on a piece of equipment in the sensory room. He is yet to deliberately make a noise to cause an effect on a piece of equipment but i'm sure that will come soon.

William absolutely loves our daily massage sessions and has responded well to the aromatherapy oils i mixed to use with him. He has seemed less cranky, more alert and responsive and has not had any ear infections or so many big seizures since i started using them with him, but again it's too early to be sure these are effects of the aromatherapy and not just coincidence or down to something else. i definitely think it's worth continuing though.

So all in all very positive benefits from all the therapy so far, and i can't help thinking that if we weren't doing so much intensive therapy work with William he wouldn't have developed any of his current skills and would still be at the screaming, withdrawing from every sensory experience, completely floppy stage with no purposeful movements or vocalisations at all, not looking at or 'seeing' anything, not showing any preferences or attempts to cause effects at all. And we'd be putting that down to his disabilities and not have any idea of the potential lying inside him. Having seen what William has accomplished in just a few months i am now much more hopeful for his future and believe that with hard work he can achieve lots of things and have a happy and fulfilling life.

Thanks for listening to a proud mummy ramble on about her baby's achievements :)

Checking through the new people who have started following my site recently i came across a blog/profile which made me really sad. Claiming to be a real-life Domme/Mistress it became very clear to me from reading this person's profile and blog that she is only into it for what she can get, that she obviously gets some cheap thrills from feeling powerful at play parties and loves to be seen as the big I-Am, but that mainly she calls herself a Domme and maintains her presence online in order to exploit the many desperate male subbies out there searching for someone to play with or submit to.

"I am looking for someone who wants a young, sexy Mistress or Princess to spoil, adore and OBEY. If you are ready to be My pay pig, then contact Me now. You must be prepared to PROVE you want to spoil Me financially by sending Me a small donation or gift certificate. If you are not ready to spoil Me with gifts, then KEEP IT MOVING."

She also has various wish lists on her blog that link to sites such as Amazon, Macy's and Victoria's Secrets where people can send her gift certificates or presents, and she sells her worn panties for $40 for 2 pairs. The whole thing just sickens and disgusts me, and reminds me why there is such a prejudice against the BDSM lifestyle in society. If this is the kind of image they have of people who practice it, then no wonder.

*Edited to add: Master Dream has posted on His blog about this. You can find it here.*

Sir is considering taking me to a play party at the end of May as part of my training, not to 'play' in the traditional sense but to act as a 'guinea pig' for people to try equipment out on. At first i was like "huh?" but then Sir explained that there will be a stall there selling homemade floggers, paddles, etc. and the man who runs the stall normally brings His sub along to act as a model for potential buyers to test the products out on but she can't come this time, hence He has asked if anyone else could stand in for her which is apparently where i come in...

Part of me wants to do it because i found the play party we went to before really interesting and we might meet some cool new people, and i have been wanting my training to step up a notch so it seems unfair to complain when Sir makes the effort to do so. But on the other hand i am very nervous about being used as a model as i don't know how much i would be able or expected to take and i don't want to let the man down by being a bad model for His products. Also there is the whole issue of being away from the babies and who will look after them and what happens if William's not well and how would they feed as neither of them take a bottle at the moment. And would i be too worried about the twins to be able to perform my role at the party properly? But on the other hand it's a great opportunity and a chance to have some 'slave' time and i need to start leaving the boys with other people to give me a break anyway....

So we'll see. What do you guys think? Too much too soon, or a chance not to be missed? Sir is letting me decide on this one and i need to give Him my answer this weekend.

Last night on the chatroom a Dom i have chatted with a bit in channel slipped into my PM (private messages) for some getting-to-know-you chat and a bit of flirting, which potentially could have lead onto some play. Now this was not a Dom who was new to me, it was not some HNG (horny net geek) forcing himself onto me, this was someone i knew and liked and respected from what i had seen of him in the room. So i was quite happy to PM with Him and see where things might lead.

Except they didn't lead very far really as i became increasingly uneasy and uncomfortable as the chat progressed. Again, nothing to do with what the Dom was actually doing or saying as far as i could tell, because when i read it back later it was all harmless enough, with Him complimenting me and saying how He had admired me in channel, taking things slow, responding to my questions, reassuring me when i expressed doubts, generally being very nice and very attentive. i engage in far more flirty or sexually-explicit exchanges with those i know in channel, not as the prelude to a scene, but just general banter and looking for some attention or as a way to keep us subbies amused, so i shouldn't have had any problems with this PM (and intact He withdrew very respectfully when it became clear i no longer wished to continue).

So the only conclusion i can come to is that we just weren't compatible, that there wasn't that connection there which i find necessary in order to submit to another and engage in a scene. Maybe that's what was making me uneasy, and this particular Dom could probably scene successfully with many other subs on a mutually-enjoyable basis, just not me. Maybe the issue lies solely with me and not Him? Because i find that in order to do a good scene, and certainly in order to enjoy it, i need to feel a connection with the Dom/me, to trust Him or Her, to feel that i could 'play' with them in real-life. Of course i can do a scene without that connection being there, but then it becomes merely typing words onto a screen, there's no feeling behind it and i don't give of myself. i felt that this Dom deserved better than that, and told Him i didn't want to disappoint Him by doing a rubbish scene because the connection between us wasn't there, but i'm not sure He understood.

All of which just goes to show that finding the right Dom/me can be just as important for an online scene as in a real-life situation; even though the safety considerations aren't there online as they are in real-life the feelings and emotions and mental submitting is, for me anyway. And that can be a complex thing, which confuses me sometimes.

formspring.me #68

How did you and your Sir cope when you were pregnant with Poppy? I'm pregnant at the moment and my Sir isn't coping with the lack of play in our lives. What specific things did you avoid? And did you come up with any new or inventive ways of playing?

hi and congratulations on your pregnancy. When i was first pregnant with Poppy Sir had me research which BDSM activities were still safe and which should be avoided, and i found that actually not that many were 'banned' during pregnancy. Basically you're recommended to avoid electricity play, spanking (because of the noise which transmits to your baby), bondage, breath play, anything which puts pressure on the abdomen, certain oils and pressure points which can trigger labour, anything which makes you too hot, and nipple play during the last month. Apart from that do what you want, including anal sex and rough sex (i checked these with my doctor), bewbie play, floggings, sensation play, oral sex, hand jobs, etc. On the whole it's more a case of being inventive, finding different positions, checking in with the woman to make sure she's ok and dealing with those pesky hormones. You can read a brief account of one of our pregnant play sessions here: http://libbysub.blogspot.com/2007/10/pregnant-play-session.html
Thanks for the question and have fun!

Ask me anything

Up until now William has only ever made 2 different noises, rather than the myriad coos and other vocalisations normally made by babies. Basically he screams/cries and occasionally makes a happy little cooing noise and that's it. He doesn't even have different types of cries for different things like most babies do - whether he's hungry, needs changing, ill, tired, grumpy, bored, fed-up, scared, over-stimulated, hot, just woken up he screams loudly and repeatedly until the problem is fixed. Which can make it tricky sometimes working out what the problem is because with Finn i know from his cry whether he's hungry, uncomfortable, tired or ill, but with William i have to work through all the possibilities to find out what's bothering him and even then i don't discover it sometimes but just end up soothing him with some rocking or snuggling.

Anyway, what i wanted to say is that William has added a new noise to his repertoire, which is a little squawk, and he uses it in the same context each time so it's a definite step in his communicative skills - basically it's a squawk of protest when something he is enjoying gets taken away or stopped before he is ready or when something he doesn't like happens (such as having clothes pulled over his head), and there's a super adorable face of protest which goes with it! A small step i know, but i appreciate each and every small step in development that William takes because i know how hard each one is for him.

Poppy was looking at a book in our bed with Sir this morning, while i was seeing to the boys and listening in on their conversation. It was a book about different jobs done by people in a town and afterwards Poppy wanted to go back through the book naming the jobs. Sir asked her which job she might want to do when she is older, which made her ask "What can I do?", to which Sir replied "You can be anything you want to sweetheart, if you try hard enough."

Poppy thought about this for a while and then announced "I be a shark!" which cracked me up, especially at the look on Sir's face! Then He had to explain to her that she couldn't be a shark because she is a little girl and little girls grow up to be ladies like mummy. Poppy looked at me and thought about this some more and then asked rather sadly "Not be a shark?", so Sir told her that she could get a job looking after sharks in a sealife centre or taking people diving with sharks or finding out about sharks in the sea, which cheered her up immensely. All morning she has been telling anyone who'll listen (including Finn and William who listen to everything she has to say) "Gonna work with sharks", and you know what? i wouldn't be surprised if she did!

Something has happened which has made me realise how karma really can come and bite you on the bum when you're least expecting it. Recently i've been either falling asleep with my laptop still switched on and me still signed into the P&H chatroom or getting distracted with seeing to the twins and doing the same. Most people on the chatroom have been really understanding about this and also about why i don't always follow the rules about greeting Dom/mes when they come into the room and i know the ops have been making special allowances for my current circumstances, especially Ben who has been so good to me and really quite lenient considering the high expectations placed on subs in that room.

So how do i go and repay their generosity and understanding? By becoming complacent and not bothering to excuse myself from the room when i feel myself getting sleepy or marking afk when i go to see to the boys and know i may not make it back into the chat before bedtime. Instead i have frequently left myself signed into the chatroom all night, giving the ops the dilemma of whether to kick me out or leave me there obviously breaking the rules. i got a telling off from Sir about this habit this morning when He found a message on there from Ben saying He will be interested to hear what distracted me from signing out last night, and Sir reminded me that having a laptop and using the internet at all is a privilege which can be taken away from me at any time and i need to show more responsibility and accountability in using it, especially towards people who are my friends and who have been so supportive of me. i felt really bad and apologised for my actions and promised to do better in future, because i'm aware that by behaving in such a way i am also giving a bad impression of my Sir to those in the chatroom who don't know Him but might think He allows me to behave in such a bad way. And i hate it when others think badly of Sir especially if it is my doing.

So i felt humbled and contrite after Sir's lecture and then discovered that leaving my laptop on all night had completely killed the battery and now it won't even turn on, so i had to order a new battery for it and won't be able to use it until it gets delivered. See what i mean about karma? Not only did my actions annoy my Sir and my friends online, not only did they cause my Sir to potentially be viewed in a bad light, not only did they cause problems for Ben and the other ops in seeming to give me unfair advantages and different rules to the rest of the subs on P&H, but they have also resulted in me not being able to use my laptop until who knows when. i'm lucky that i have an iPad so i can still access the internet and i'm going to try getting into the chartrooms using this later, but i don't know how easy that will be. i find the onscreen keyboard quite tricky, but it all serves me right for being so selfish and thoughtless in the first place, and i'll try hard never to take my internet access or friends for granted in that way again.

Sorry everyone from a very humbled libby. (And apologies for the rubbishness of this post as i can't figure out how to change the font or insert pictures on the iPad).

As regular readers will know, Sir and i had to reprioritise shortly after the twins were born and the full extent of William's difficulties became clear. Though we will always be Master and slave and have continued to be during the past 6 months, just as we have since we first met, we made the decision to put our BDSM training, play and other interactions on hold for the time being so that we could concentrate on helping William as well as looking after Finn and Poppy. i was fine with this decision and fully understood the necessity for it, but recently i have been feeling more and more 'needy' as a slave and i believe this has contributed in a big way to the stressed, frazzled, tired, run down and fed up feeling that i have pretty much all the time right now. No i'm not depressed and no i don't have post-natal depression again, but i'm not my usual self and i know Sir has been concerned about me. So He has taken matters in hand, as He is so great at doing, and made arrangements for Poppy to be collected from her ballet class by her Nanny and Grampy every Sunday from now on, and then to spend time at their house as usual, which gives us several hours to 'train' in. Obviously we still have Finn and William in the house, but they're still at the stage where they take fairly long naps, and so long as i make sure they're fed and changed beforehand they shouldn't wake up for a couple of hours once i put them down for their mid-morning snooze.

Today Sir took extra measures to ensure my training didn't get interrupted by the boys by inviting His friend Sir Mark over to lead it, so that Sir could be watching and dealing with the twins in the next room! i was really surprised when there was a knock on the door and i answered it to see Sir Mark standing there, but i automatically went into slave mode and melted to a submissive kneel at His feet to welcome Him into the house. i'm glad that Sir chose Him actually, because i find Him patient and tolerant though very Dominant and He is much less of a sadist than Sir David (another of Sir's friends) which i am not sure i could cope with at the moment after such a long break from any proper pain play.

After coming inside Sir Mark started straight away by telling me to strip so He could inspect me. For a couple of seconds my brain just froze because it's been a while since i have been required to be naked in front of any other Dom/mes, but then i felt myself click into my 'slave mindset' and fall into that state where i get very meek and quiet and obedient and pliant. So i removed all my clothes for Him in the way that Sir taught me to and stood there absolutely naked while Sir Mark inspected me, making remarks to Sir about various parts of my body. Apparently He had never seen a breastfeeding woman's body before, so He was curious about my titties and nipples and tested them out with His hands and a feather to see how sensitive they are. i nearly leapt through the ceiling when He brushed the feather on the ends of my nipples and then turned it round to jab the pointy end all along their length! Then He asked to see some milk expressed so Sir told me to fetch my breast-pump and do some pumping for Him to watch. It was very embarrassing having Sir Mark staring so closely at my breasts and nipples as the pump did its work (i have one of those electronic ones which continues pumping for you when you press the button, and the cups and tubing are see-through so He could see my nipples being sucked back and forth and my milk flowing out).

After that He talked about the kind of stuff we might do in future sessions, how He wants to bring along a boy slave He is training up so that he can watch (the thought of which really makes me cringe) and how He had brought me a 'present' which He wants me to be wearing before He arrives in future. The present turned out to be a clit clip which fits round my clit and inner lips:

i have the one with red danglies, which Sir Mark demonstrated how to put on correctly (again very embarrassing), and then He blindfolded me and had me lay on my tummy, then my back on my beanbag while He did a 'sensation assessment' on me - which was basically using different things on my feet, legs, tummy, titties, etc to see my reaction. There was nothing too painful, but some of the sensations i didn't like, though lots were nice! By the end of it i was really aware of my clit because the clip pushes it out as well as squeezes it.

After Sir Mark had left, me and Sir had a chat and He explained that He's going to try to give me little training tasks to work on during the week as well as ensuring that i get some more intensive training time from Him and/or Sir Mark most Sundays. He thinks this will improve my sense of balance in my life and help me feel better about things. i felt a bit guilty about being grumpy recently and causing Him problems, but He said He knows it's not my fault and He needs me to be at my best so i can look after myself as well as the children and Him. So my training is starting to get back on track and i'm feeling very contented at the moment!

i'm not even going to write my usual apology about this being yet another William/baby post. i think most people have more or less realised that this blog needs to include posts about my family/children, and also that there's a bit of a lack of anything BDSM going on in my life right now (though i have been told to expect some kind of 'session' tomorrow morning when the twins are napping and Poppy is out......). And it seems from the comments i get that people actually enjoy catching up on my boys' progress, so after a rather busy week for all of us here's the latest update:

Some of you will remember that we're in the process of weaning William off one epilepsy drug and onto another. At first his seizures seemed to be even more unsettled than usual, but i've been told that can happen with medication changes so i was patient. This week there has been a noticeable reduction in the number of all types of seizures and definitely their severity, which is fantastic news! William hasn't had a single 'big' seizure this week, so i'm hoping that the new drug combo is helping him at last. i've more or less accepted that William will never be seizure-free, but the less seizures he can have (both in terms of frequency and severity) the more his brain can be free to learn things. So, so far so good on the meds front.

The builders have finally finished our loft conversion (i say 'finally' because it seemed to take a long time as i hate the noise and disruption of people in the house, but in reality it only took a little over 2 weeks) and the electrician man that Sir knows came round to help us install all the new sensory equipment in there. i went up for a look yesterday and it is absolutely brilliant! We've decided to leave the walls plain for now so as not to be too distracting for William and we've put in black-out blinds over the windows to make it dark enough for him to focus on all the lights and stuff that's in there. The stairs go up to a landing from which there's 3 doors - one is the sensory room, one is a spare room right now but may become a bedroom in future and one is a bathroom (toilet and sink). The biggest room of them all is the sensory room because we wanted plenty of space for William to be able to do all of his therapy in, and i've now moved all his existing equipment up there (such as his physio roll and wedge, baby beanbag, tummy-time mats and toys, Poppy's old ball pool and rocker, all the boxes of sensory toys, etc.) and plan to do his daily therapy sessions in there from now on (with Finn joining us for 'playtime'). Tomorrow we're going to try the room out properly for the first time and then every Wednesday some other mummies and babies are going to come round for a group therapy time - it should be really fun! So that's another good thing that happened this week.

Carrying on the good news theme... William finally gave in and accepted my milk from a spoon yesterday after days of being interested in it but not quite taking it into his mouth. The first time i put it in his mouth he dribbled it straight back out again in a kind of suspicious 'not-quite-sure' way, but once he realised it really was my milk he opened his mouth for more and more and more! Yesterday i 'fed' him milk from a spoon in his special reclining high chair at the table at the same time as feeding Finn his lunch and dinner, to get William into the habit of 'eating' at those times. Next week i plan to very slowly start mixing tiny amounts of solid food in with the milk i'm feeding to William so that gradually he starts tolerating solids as well. i know it will be a long process, but i'm still convinced this is the best way to get him eating food, without stressing out either of us too much. Oh and the health visitor who caused all those problems with her method of getting William to eat? i've asked for her not to come back anymore as we don't need her.

This week we tried out some new activities. i've been wanting to take Finn to the baby swimming classes that Poppy enjoyed so much for a while now, but i was worried about leaving William with anyone (even my mum) whilst i did so. But after seeing how great my mum is with William and leaving him with her whilst i popped down to the shop, etc. and her coping with a seizure whilst i was out and no major disasters, i decided to try the swim class out this week whilst William and my mum 'spectated' from the public viewing gallery. i figured that way if there was a problem with William, Finn and i could just get out early and i would be more relaxed and able to enjoy the session if i could just glance up and see that William was fine whenever i wanted to. Except things didn't quite go to plan when William got bored and tetchy and started screaming very loudly, which echoed very very loudly round the whole swimming pool area! My mum had to take him out, which left me in a dilemma about whether to get out with Finn, get us dried and then go and check on William, or whether to stay in for the rest of the session as Finn was having such a great time and really enjoying himself. In the end i opted to stay in, knowing my mum would come and get me if she felt she needed me, and Finn turned out to be a natural water baby just like his big sister! Once we did get out and got dried and dressed we found my mum pushing a calm, happy William in his pram by the river, where apparently they had been since leaving the leisure centre when he got cross. So we've agreed that in future my mum will take William for a walk whilst Finn and i are in the pool, but she'll stay close enough to the leisure centre that she can come and get me if she needs to. That way i can still enjoy my swim with Finn without being overly anxious about William, and we save everyone's eardrums too!

William has also been enjoying some swimming lessons of his own in the hydrotherapy pool at the early intervention clinic we go to every Friday. He loves water so much so i knew he'd do well, but this week he surprised everyone by spontaneously opening his hands up when the therapist was helping him to move his arms in the water! This is such a big thing for William because since birth he has kept his hands tightly closed (which i'm told is a sensory avoidance tactic), so to have him open them up of his own accord was absolutely fantastic! i'm going to use a bowl of water with him at home during his daily therapy sessions to see if i can encourage him to use his hands more. Also a first for William this week was an osteopathy treatment, which is something we are trying out with him after an osteopath visited the clinic last week and assessed him as a suitable candidate. Obviously it costs money so we don't want to keep paying out for it if it isn't going to benefit him, but we've decided to trial it for a couple of months to see if it seems to be helping him at all. The lady treating him is hopeful that she can alleviate some of his seizures, improve his muscle tone, align his body into a more 'natural' position, improve his head control, and encourage him to move his hands, arms and legs with more co-ordination and purpose... all of which would be fantastic if she can achieve them. To be honest i don't know all that much about osteopathy, but William has been very calm and accepting of the treatments so far, even when she touches his head which normally he would hate. She had to find the right pressure to use during the assessment visit because he screamed at first, as he usually would with anything on his head, but she tried different pressures and suddenly he stopped screaming and became very still, and she explained that he seems to benefit from/prefer quite a hard pressure on his head, harder than most babies would be tolerant of but not hard enough to harm him. So now she goes straight in with that pressure and he doesn't fuss at all. The rest of the treatment is all about gentle manipulation of his joints and limbs and other body parts, and putting him into certain positions and gently supporting him to maintain those positions. For some of the treatment she gets me to help him reach out and play with toys, but for most of it he just lays there listening to the soothing music and seems very happy and content. So we'll see if this treatment has any benefits for him.

In some not quite so good news, we're still facing prejudice and people sticking their noses in on a daily basis. The latest example is from the baby sensory club that i take both boys to on a Tuesday, which is run for typically-developing babies to stimulate them and aid their development but is also open to (and half-price for) special needs babies as well. William happens to be the only special needs baby at the club we go to but the lady running it has had plenty of experience of other babies with difficulties and is very good at helping out with Finn whilst i support William in the sessions. Up till now we had received positive or positively-intended comments from the other mums there (though some of the comments were rather patronising or based on ignorance), but now that Finn is sitting up independently lots of them seem to be of the opinion that we should no longer be coming to that session but should be going to the more advanced session instead which is intended for babies who can sit and those who can crawl. i explained that i would need to take both babies to the same session and as William cannot even hold his own head up unaided yet the activities in the advanced class would be too difficult for him, but i received a lecture on how i am "holding back Finn's development", "denying Finn opportunities", "trying to keep Finn at the same level as his brother", "placing too much emphasis on William's needs", "favouring William over Finn" and even that i am "neglecting one baby in looking after the other". i could have answered back by explaining that we wouldn't even be coming to the sessions if William didn't have his difficulties, that i do plenty of sensory and stimulating activities at home and at other clubs with both babies, that Finn is actually ahead in his development and we do everything we can to encourage this, that we are beginning to take the boys to different clubs and activities as appropriate for their different needs but this was something i wanted them to do together, and so on.... but i just didn't have the energy after a very hectic week so instead i said nothing. Sometimes it's not even worth trying to convince these people that i know my babies better than they do.

When i read this post back it seems that this week should have been a great one with so many wonderful achievements happening, but for some reason i've spent most of it feeling super-tired and frazzled and stressed. It just seems like everything is getting on top of me and i don't know what to do about it. i'm going to talk to Sir about it later and see whether He has any suggestions, but for now i'm just going to try to relax and enjoy the weekend before the next week begins. Thanks for reading.