Words and terms


One of my rules is that i should not use bad language, which i am actually quite glad about because i hate swearing and certain words just make me cringe inside. On the chatrooms i visit i often hear others using words which i would never use myself, and sometimes the Doms call me by certain terms which i don't feel apply to me.

Example of such words and terms are: fuck, slut, bitch, whore, cunt. i find all of these words offensive and see no reason for them to be used, except i guess if someone is trying to make the other person feel worthless or to express a strong (negative) feeling about someone or something. This is part of the reason i don't use these words myself and don't appreciate them being used towards me, because i view them in a negative light so to have them used to describe me makes me think that person must have a negative opinion of me or want to hurt me emotionally. i know that some people find it hot to "talk dirty" or to be called such terms and names, but i'm not one of them.

However as part of my humiliation training both online and in real-life, i am finding that i am required to use words and terms which otherwise i would avoid, and that these terms are being applied to me. So far i have been able to deal with it, but i wouldn't exactly say i feel comfortable about it and i still cringe everytime i hear or have to say one of these terms. i guess that might make me seem quite pathetic, but then words are a powerful thing and certain words just make me feel worthless and not in a good way. But i'll persevere and see if something good can come of these words and terms, perhaps make me into a better and stronger slave if i am able to accept them?

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A special day

Prince William kisses his wife on the balcony of Buckingham Palace to applause from the vast crowd gathered outside. Photo: PA

Today Britain (and apparently a lot of the rest of the world) sat and watched - in London or at home - while Prince William got married to Kate Middleton.

It was a National bank holiday here, so we'd made plans for Sir, i and Poppy to watch the ceremony together at home, with the twins joining in when they wanted. i cooked us all a traditional English breakfast this morning and then we all settled down in front of the TV at 8:00am when the BBC coverage started. To be honest i didn't expect Poppy to show much interest until the actual ceremony, but she was there on the sofa right the way through, waving the flag she'd made at nursery and making comments about things she could see. Finn and William joined us for the ceremony and were really good at keeping calm and quiet so the rest of us could hear what was going on. Poppy was absolutely enthralled for the whole of the ceremony, listening quietly to everything that went on, and Finn loved the parts where the trumpeters played and sang along with them! Even William got a sense of the occasion and listened to some of the songs, though definitely preferring 'Jerusalem' to the other hymns chosen. Poppy's favourite parts though were the ceremonial processions back to Buckingham Palace, where she cheered excitedly as we saw the open-top carriages and the soldiers on horses, and all the marching bands. We had an English tea-party as we watched, with tea and scones and cream and jam, and it was really lovely to be part of that with my little family, and something i will remember forever.

i thought the whole ceremony was really lovely and Kate looked absolutely beautiful in her dress (though her flowers weren't great). i think she coped really well with all the pressure on her and performed her parts well, as did her brother who gave a reading and her sister who was the chief bridesmaid. All the little bridesmaids and page boys were really sweet and beautifully behaved, and it was really nice to see the whole royal family together and appreciate the ancient traditions involved. i know some people say the royals are outdated now and it's foolish to still have a monarchy, but i think they do a great job for our country and i love all the pomp and regalia that goes with them. i wish William and Catherine (as she is now to be called - or the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge to give them their official titles) every happiness together and look forward to seeing their first child together which i'm sure will be born sometime next year!

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Happy Easter!


Happy Easter everyone! i hope you have a great day, eat lots, get lots of chocolate and spend time with those you love.

This morning we are joining the Easter egg hunt round the village, which is always lots of fun, then coming back home for Easter dinner (roast turkey with all the trimmings, and lemon cupcakes for pudding) joined by my mum and dad (we did invite Sir's mum too but she is having dinner elsewhere). Then there'll be even more chocolate eggs exchanged and we'll all probably eat too much this afternoon and go on a walk in the woods to enjoy the beautiful weather we've been having recently. Later on Poppy and i will decorate eggs and boil them for tea, as is our custom on this day, and then Sir will read her some stories and tuck her into bed, nicely full.

In other news, Sir has given me some new rituals to carry out each day to help keep me focused as His slave whilst much of my training has needed to be put on hold. You can read them in the appendix to the rules, but i'll also post them here:

Shower ritual: i am to put three wooden clothespegs onto each pussy lip before getting into the shower and leave them there until stepping out to dry myself. Should i need to shave my pussy, i am allowed to remove the pegs for this procedure but this should be done at the end of my shower.

Contemplation ritual: at some point every day i am required to set aside 20 minutes when i will not be disturbed to kneel quietly and contemplate the question or quotation my Master has given me that morning. Sometimes i will be required to discuss with my Master the results of my thinking, or to post them onto my blog.

Evening ritual: once the children are in bed i am to strip naked and put on my nipple danglers whilst using the online chatroom. i should stay like this until bedtime, when i can request permission for them to be removed.

Special ritual: on some days my Master will tell me i must complete a special ritual at some point during the course of that day. This requires me to choose one of the following activities:

1. use a ballpoint pen to write the 'i am Your servant' quotation onto the sole of each foot, so that it is legible.

2. place 2 pan scourers between my pussy lips and keep them there for 20 minutes (using panties if necessary).

3. use the muscle stimulator machine on my bottom as my Master has shown me, on setting 4 or 5 for 20 minutes.

4. wear the vibrating nipple clamps with weights for 15 minutes.

5. sit on the front door mat with a bare bottom for 15 minutes.

6. melt 3 icecubes completely, using just my pussy.

i must take photographs of the task and show them to my Master that evening, and i should be prepared to write about it on my blog if instructed. Sometimes my Master will have the choice made for me by rolling a dice in His presence before He goes to work.

(i had to add these onto my rules page myself, so sorry if they're not quite as clear as the rest of the rules which my Sir wrote, though i did try to keep them in the same style as His, i hope they're clear enough to be understood).
To be honest i'm feeling a bit "meh" about these new rituals at the moment, they just seem like a lot of bother and i'm worried i will forget one or be too busy to complete it. But we'll see how it goes - i'm due to start them on Tuesday after the bank holiday weekend.

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Sad


i received the news last night that my nan (Dad's mum) has died. She lived a good life - she was 100 last year and remained in her own home right up to the end (with help for cleaning and cooking), but it was still a shock and i am feeling very sad about it. Both of my grandads died before i was born and my other nan died when i was 8, so i now have no grandparents left.

Waiting to hear about the funeral arrangements, though the 2 bank holiday weekends in a row will make that quite tricky to schedule. i'm planning to go to the funeral with Sir, but not with the boys or Poppy (she should be in nursery if it's a weekday). Not quite sure what to do about the boys yet, but we'll sort that when we have more details.

Sir and i explained it as best we could to Poppy this morning, that her 'nan nan' has gone to heaven just like the 'babbit' did a little while back, so she won't be seeing her anymore. She didn't really say much, just nodded and sat quietly thinking so i think she's taken it in as best she can for a not-quite 3 year old. We're going to visit my parents today, so i can give my Dad some support, before taking the kiddies to the farm for some Easter fun as promised.

i'm just glad that Poppy had a chance to get to know her 'nan nan' (even though i doubt she'll remember much about her as she grows up) and that my nan got to meet Finn and William. It's sad that she'll never meet my sister's baby (due in October), but as someone reminded me today she will see him/her just not in person.

Goodbye nan, i love you.

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Scening


i'm going to use this post to write about two different things: one is the training session i had with Sir Mark at the weekend and the other is how i'm hoping to get back into scening in the online chatroom i visit. So here goes...

i expected Sunday's training to be more of the humiliation in the dungeon, possibly with someone else watching, type thing as we have been doing for the past few weeks, but it turned out that Sir Mark had slightly different plans this time. i'm still not sure whether He is setting the agenda, whether Sir is asking Him to work on specific things or giving Him ideas for sessions, or a combination of the two. But i do know that this particular session worked on several of my current training needs, namely: humiliation, exhibitionism and outdoor use/play.

i was told to go into the garden (naked with just a clit clip on) and then i was inspected there by Sir Mark (which involves me getting into very vulnerable and revealing positions). Then He had me remove the clit clip, spread my legs and stand still for a bottom flogging (and a bit of a pussy flogging) right there in the middle of the garden! i have never really done any kind of scene outside before and i was so scared of being seen (or heard as it seemed like the flogger was making a lot of noise), but in reality that's not going to happen because our garden is surrounded by a high wall on the other side of which is just fields, so unless someone actually came into the house and walked through to the garden they wouldn't be able to see me. But it just felt very very naughty and risky being naked and flogged outside! That's all the session was this week, but i suspect that Sir Mark is going to push me further and further in this during the weeks to come.

Then in the chatroom last night i got talking to one of the Doms there who is my friend and we chatted about my recent 'acceptance' post and what could be done to make me feel more at home in the chatroom like i used to. It was decided that i should try to scene in channel more (i hardly scene at all now, and only with very select Doms in pm when i do) and also try to start playing with the other girls again too. We both think that since being pregnant i have come to be seen as 'off-limits' by most people in the room, as someone to chat to only, as something of a room 'mascot' rather than a sub who is available to play and scene with, so i need to take steps to alter that perception of me. So last night there was a brief scene with B, in channel, in front of everyone, and i also altered my description to make it known that i am trying to 'revive my scening side'. Of course i'll steer well clear of the HNGs (horny net geeks) and other Doms i just don't gel with, but other than that i'm looking forward to some action in channel beyond my current levels of polite chat, gentle banter and casual flirting, which i hope will help with my somewhat neglected submissive side too. So watch this space!

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Good news!


Babies never cease to amaze me. You can have a really down day, be feeling rather fed up and frustrated with life, and then they go and do something which is just fantastic and instantly perks you up. Today both William and Finn have done that, and now i feel so much happier and more positive about the future.

William has been a bit up and down with his eating since i first persuaded him to start taking small amounts of cereal mixed in with my milk from a spoon. Some days he will happily gobble it down and some days he either refuses it entirely or takes a small amount and then gets fussy and won't eat the rest. Up till now i figured it was just due to his mood on the day but today i figured out it's more to do with the temperature of the cereal/milk mix - it seems that if it's not quite right he won't tolerate it so i did a bit of experimenting with different temperatures, found the one he preferred and then reheated it back to that warmth when he started to look reluctant to eat any more. Which worked brilliantly and he gobbled down the rest of it and smiled happily, nice and full at the end! Then this afternoon i tried Finn out with some baby rusks (which he loved) and i gave William a little bit mixed with extra breastmilk, which he also loved! i was so surprised that he ate it the very first time i tried him with it because it took quite a while to get him to even try the cereal. So great progress on the eating front from William :)

And in Finn news, he started crawling for the very first time today!! He's been close to it for a while because when he's sitting he will lean forwards to get toys and get himself onto a hands and knees position, and from that position he will rock backwards and forwards, but up till now i haven't been able to tempt him to crawl. Then today i was doing some of William's therapy and Finn was on the floor playing and all of a sudden he crawled several paces to reach a toy he wanted that was across the room! He kind of surprised himself by doing it, by the look on his face, and i managed to get him to do it a couple more times by placing his favourite toys round the room but he's still a bit unsteady and when he gets too excited he moves his arms faster than his legs and ends up nose-diving into the carpet! But i know he'll soon perfect his technique. Well done Finn, my clever little peanut :)

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Acceptance


i seem to have been struggling with this a bit recently - both with accepting others' views and choices and with feeling accepted myself. It's a weird combination of feelings, that i'm finding myself increasingly judging and criticising certain others within the lifestyle at the same time as feeling myself increasingly isolated and marginalised. Yet i don't really know what to do about it.

Much of it stems i believe from being a busy wife and mother, especially from having a toddler and baby twins, and dealing with the daily challenges of William's special needs. This has meant that the vast majority of my time, energies and thoughts are devoted to the children and William in particular, meaning that my slave identity has become rather neglected (as i posted about before). Sir has taken measures to try to alleviate that somewhat by ensuring that i get time almost daily to chat with like-minded friends on the BDSM chatrooms and by starting up my training again as and when we can fit it in. But still i find myself thinking (and 'saying' through blog posts) certain views about certain others in the lifestyle which have gained me some criticism or at the least reminders from others to be more tolerant, less judgemental, not to compartmentalise others so  much or over-generalise my opinions onto the lifestyle as a whole. Most of the time i am surprised to receive those comments, but on rereading my posts i can see where they have come from, and i never mean to be judgemental or critical, it just seems to be the way i am thinking at the moment.

Then there are the difficulties i have been experiencing on the chatrooms recently. It goes without saying that in any chatroom environment there will be people you don't particularly get along with, those who do not like you, who may even be jealous of you or go out of their way to be critical of you and try to wind you up. To be fair there's only a few people like that towards me in #P&H and it never used to bother me too much, but now i find myself getting overly upset by any little negative comment they might make to or about me, wondering if more people in the room are secretly thinking the same things, and even questioning friendships i have in there. It's been making me feel like i don't fit in anymore, that i don't belong in the 'online' BDSM environment because i am in a real-life relationship and not really interested in the scening and other activities which take place in the channel, but also that i don't really fit in the 'real-life' BDSM community either because it is difficult for me to actively serve my Sir at the moment, we don't go to munches or play parties or community events, much of my slave life is on hold for the foreseeable future, so how much of a slave am i?

i know people will say that true slavery/submission comes from inside and i do still have those feelings and desires and feel the same way about my Sir and our relationship as i did before. i'm not questioning my decision to be collared or anything like that, i'm just struggling with feeling accepted and with accepting (some) others, and not really sure what to do about it. Meanwhile life rushes on with so many things to do and think about and important decisions to be made about William's care and what to do for the best for him. Maybe i should concentrate on those other things and not fret about my submission for a while?

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formspring.me #72


When you gave hand jobs during your pregnancy and other times, did you collect the cum in a glass and drink it?  Or did you just dispose of it?

Sir has never required me to collect His cum, often when giving Him a hand job He will choose to cum over a certain part of my body (e.g. titties, face, bottom) or He will tell me to open my mouth so He can cum in there and i then swallow it down. my rules state that Sir's cum is a 'precious gift to receive and i should not waste it' so it's rare that it is just 'disposed of'.

What age were you when you got your first proper bra and can you remember what size it was?
i was quite a late developer, so i'd say i was probably 14 before i got a bra and it was probably a small size (34A?). Before having my babies i had small perky bewbies (34B) which went up to a 34C after finishing nursing Poppy, and i have no idea what size they will end up at after i finish nursing the twins.

You met Sir online, right? How open about this are you with your friends and family, the ones that don't know about your lifestyle?
We are always completely open with all our friends and family about the fact that we met on an online 'chatroom', started off by emailing and IMing and webcamming, and then after a while met up in real-life and continued our relationship from there. After all it's not that unusual nowadays. The part we leave out is that it was a Fetish site we met on, and that Sir was training me as His sub when we started to meet in real-life!

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Seven Deadly sub Sins


To complete the series, here's the promised post on 'sub sins', inspired once again by sin's post: here. Again i have to explain that these are my opinion only and i'm aware that a couple of them are controversial and not everyone will agree. But that's the nature of blogging, right?

1. manipulation - the whole point of being submissive is to be compliant and to follow the lead of another, so to me being manipulative, trying to control the situation, even horror of horrors 'topping from the bottom', is to completely go against everything a sub should be trying to achieve. It must be very exhausting for a Dom to constantly have to battle against a sub who is trying to take control, manipulate the situation to their liking, wheedle out of things, and so on. And to be honest i'm not sure what either the Dom or the sub would get out of the dynamic in that case; i know there are Doms who like to 'force' a sub to obey seemingly against her will, but the manipulation i'm talking about here is more than that - has the sub really submitted if she is still trying to control and influence events? i think not.

2. secrecy - this one would also cover lack of open communication, or hiding things from the Dom, all of which i feel can be very detrimental to a D/s relationship. Whilst it's true that different Doms have different rules regarding how much they require their sub to disclose to them (and i agree it could get very tiresome to hear every single detail of what the sub is thinking or feeling or every single thing they did during the day), i still feel it is important that subs tell their Dom about their worries, fears, concerns, difficulties, etc. so that the Dom has the right information to make informed decisions. It is very difficult to be in control of someone else without having all the necessary information, and indeed this can lead to some inappropriate, bad or even detrimental decisions being made. To my mind communication is even more imperative to a D/s relationship than a vanilla one, because of the much higher levels of control and dependency involved.

3. dishonesty - this one was included in the Deadly Dom sins too, and i guess it also applies to vanilla relationships, but as i have said before often D/s relationships are similar to all relationships, just magnified in many respects. Just as a sub needs to be able to trust her Dom, a Dom needs to know that He can trust the sub, that she is being truthful to Him in answering His questions, that there are no nasty secrets being hidden from Him. Sometimes being economical with the truth can be dangerous to the safety of the sub, such as not telling Him about mental, emotional or physical limitations or difficulties which could cause harm to occur to the sub during a scene. And often dishonesty can be a 'deal-breaker' with regards to the relationship, when the lies are finally exposed (and they nearly always are). Again, i think it is more prevalent amongst online D/s relationships, but i'm sure there are also dishonest subs in real-life dynamics too.

4. brattiness - a controversial one because some subs love to be bratty, feeling it is part of their personality and makes things more fun, and some Doms seem to enjoy the challenge of 'taming' a bratty sub. But i'm not talking about the 'show' brattiness, where it's put on to spice things up, to make a pretence out of not wanting to submit, or being 'forced' to submit, which in a way can serve to reinforce both the Dom and the sub roles when the sub is made to successfully submit by the powerful Dom. i'm talking about true brattiness, which i have seen many examples of in the online chatrooms, where subs show complete disrespect for the Doms, being rude and snarky and sarcastic, or playing silly little 'jokes' or tricks, answering back, arguing with the Doms for the sake of it, generally being difficult (and to my mind childish). i honestly don't see the point of this form of brattiness, except i guess it does get them attention (negative as well as positive), gets them a certain reputation for being 'feisty' which they seem to revel in and possibly keeps them entertained. i just think there's no place for brattiness in a D/s relationship, it's disrespectful, childish and inappropriate and must again be very wearing for the Dom.

5. self-centeredness - a sub who is continually thinking about herself, looking out for her own comfort and wants and desires, pushing for what she can get out of every situation, making decisions that serve her own interests, is not going to be serving her Dom to the best of her ability. There's a high level of selflessness that is necessary to being a good sub, even if we do at times yearn for certain things or even ask for them if we need them that badly (and i'm not talking about basic needs being met here, or the requirement of some subs to ask permission for everything). i believe that a sub should put the needs of her Dom before her own, strive to make Him comfortable and happy, look for ways in which she can please Him, make decisions based on what she knows He prefers or desires, in order to keep their relationship strong. Of course a good Dom will also strive to make His sub happy and will give her some of what she desires when He feels that she has deserved it, but that's not for the sub to decide. Included in this 'selfcenteredness' category i would say are the 'spoiled' subs, the ones you see online with a list of things they want their (future) Dom to buy them, who want to be wined and dined and treated like a princess, have all their desires taken care of, who have even oftentimes picked out the exact collar they want to be bought for them. Sorry if you're one of them, but i do feel there's a level of selfcenteredness in such an approach that doesn't gel very well with a D/s relationship.

6. laziness - yes we all get lazy from time to time, can't be bothered to do something we know we really ought to, or don't put very much effort into our tasks. But when that becomes the norm i think there's potential for problems in a D/s relationship. Just as a sub suffers when her Dom can't be bothered (apathy), so a Dom suffers through the laziness of His sub. If she's not putting much effort into her training, chores, daily requirements, scenes or service of Him neither of them are going to get much satisfaction from it and there's going to be very little progress in her development as a sub or the development of their relationship in general. And a D/s relationship that's left to stagnate is not healthy for either participant.

7. disobedience - it may seem obvious to say it, but a sub who blatantly disregards the rules, who purposefully disobeys, who constantly oversteps the boundaries or flat out refuses to carry out the Dom's orders, isn't actually submitting at all. And if she's not submitting is it really a D/s relationship? i know there are times when all subs break the rules, make mistakes and do things wrong, but often these are genuine errors and most of those subs will try hard not to repeat the same mistake again. And admittedly we all have times when we feel like disobeying, but most of us push past those feelings and get on with it anyway (which to me is a much harder form of submission than complying with things which are easy). Flat out, continual disobedience would be detrimental to any D/s relationship, so is included in the sub's deadly sins list here.

Thanks for reading, please feel free to comment (and sorry that i once again used He for Doms and she for subs, i just find it easier).

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Friday fill-ins #13

Friday Fill-Ins

1. For me it was.... the best decision i ever made to become a collared slave.

2. i'm getting used to all the comments and interference when William has a seizure.... at my local supermarket.

3. Behind the sound of the wind in the trees, i heard.... birds singing, showing that Spring is finally here.

4. Stand at the top of a mountain and look out over the world.... is something i always wanted to do.

5. When it was over, ....Sir held me in His arms as i cried silent tears of release against His chest (that's often how our sessions finish).

6. i  may have had some difficult decisions to make since we found out about William's condition.... but i never felt alone.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight i'm looking forward to.... relaxing with Sir, tomorrow my plans include.... shopping for my sister's baby and enjoying 'Britain's Got Talent' on TV and Sunday i want to.... do well in my training session with Sir Mark.

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Some exciting news


Nooooo i'm not pregnant..... but my sister is! She went for her 12 week scan today and everything looks fine, so i figure it's ok to post the news on here now. She's due at the end of October (21st is her date at the moment), so Finn and William will have a cousin just a year younger than them which will be so cool! Apparently her and her boyfriend have decided not to find out the sex of the baby, so i'll have to be careful with colours when getting clothes and stuff for the lil tadpole. i loveeeee shopping for little babies and i figure when it's my sister's first lil one i'm allowed to buy just a few things for it as an adoring auntie, right? :)

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formspring.me #71


I know there are different types of fear, the fear spawned from uncertainty or the unknown, fear seeded in self doubt etc., but has Sir ever pushed you into facing a true fear? How did you or how would you cope in that situation?

Good question! Sir planned to do some 'fear play' with me at one point, and indeed it's still listed on my 'future training' along with 'needles exploration' and 'single tail whipping' both of which i am truly afraid of. We started a little bit on the needle play before, during the limits exploration training but didn't get very far because i panicked at the thought of one of them piercing my skin so couldn't get beyond looking at them and holding them (and yes this means i am scared of blood tests and injections, but the fear is manageable when it's a medical person using the needles).

i think that's the only true fear i have faced so far with Sir, though there have been many situations where i have been scared and nervous and unsure. But i tend to just breathe my way through them, take each step at a time, focus on the present moment and getting through that. And i remind myself of how much i trust Sir, how He won't let anything harm me, how similar situations in the past have turned out fine with Him, how proud He will be of me if i manage to get through it. So basically i give myself a little pep talk in my head whilst it's going on!

If necessary i will face some of my true fears in the future for Sir (i am afraid of heights, needles, spiders, dogs and single-tail whipping), but we'll have to wait and see how well i do with it!

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Seven Deadly Dom Sins


i'm unashamedly stealing this idea from sin over at 'finding my submission', where she recently wrote a post on it: read hers here. i've had to think long and hard about this because D/s relationships are so broad that what i might think of as a negative characteristic for a Dom to have someone else might see and experience as a positive. So i'll write a little explanation after each one to show why i think of it as a 'sin' in a Dom:

1. inconsistency - interestingly this one came out on top in sin's list too and i absolutely agree with her. If a Dom is inconsistent in applying and checking up on His rules, it makes the sub not know whether to bother following them or not. If a Dom is inconsistent on which offences He punishes for and how severely, it makes the sub unsure about how to behave.  If a Dom is inconsistent in His expectations of the sub, the way He treats her, how He applies His Dominance, it is very unsettling for the sub and she can't possibly grow or flourish in such a relationship. If i hand over control to someone else i need them to be consistent in how they exert it; that doesn't mean that i want a robot Dom or expect Him never to have moods or to change His mind or to update the rules. But i as a sub need a good level of consistency in my life, emanating from my Dom.

2. apathy - if a Dom doesn't care much about His sub or their relationship He isn't going to invest the large amounts of time and energy that D/s dynamics need to thrive. Even when the couple don't live together there still needs to be careful thought, planning and maintenance on the part of the Dom to keep the relationship moving forward and meeting both parties' needs (in fact some would say that these types of relationship need more commitment and planning than 24/7 ones do). If the Dom simply can't be bothered it becomes more of a 'give me a blowjob when I tell you to' type arrangement, which ultimately leaves the sub cold, resentful and neglected. To my mind there's certain responsibilities that come with being a Dom, a bit like there's certain responsibilities that come with being a good pet owner - us subs are needy little creatures and deserve a Dom who cares enough about us and the relationship to invest in it.

3. carelessness - this may seem similar to 'apathy', but in this case i mean a Dom who doesn't think through His actions or take the required amount of care during scenes. As a result a sub can be greatly harmed, scarred for life or even wind up dead. Lots of what we do in the BDSM world carries an element of risk to it, so it's imperative that a Dom reads up on the safety issues, practices sufficiently beforehand and keeps His mind on the job when participating in such activities. i've heard stories of fireplay that left lasting burns, cutting that went too deep, brands that became infected, impact play that caused nerve damage, and other such harm at the hands of inexperienced and careless Doms. Yes accidents happen, but there is no excuse for careless behaviour and it should not be tolerated.

4. dishonesty - openness and good communication is even more vital in a D/s relationship than in a vanilla one because at times the sub will literally be putting her safety into the hands of her Dom. she needs to know that she can trust Him 100%, that He has been honest with her about His intentions and His feelings, that He will respect her limits (if she is allowed them) and that He will answer her questions and concerns truthfully. Of course, i'm not suggesting that a Dom needs to tell His sub everything (at least not in the same way that a sub should be expected to tell her Dom everything), and there may well be certain things He keeps from her for her own good or because she isn't ready for them yet (things to do with her training or what He might require of her in the future). But that shouldn't include dodgy secrets from His past, or the fact that He has other subs she doesn't know about, or other such things. Dishonesty is probably more of an issue in online or long-distance relationships where it's much easier to conceal the fact that you have a wife/other subs/are much older than you claim/have less experience than you say/ etc. But in any D/s relationship dishonesty is going to end up with someone being hurt and potentially the relationship falling apart and i see no excuse for it.

5. violence - i know this one will be controversial, but it's my blog and i truly do see this as a 'deadly sin' for Doms. i'm not talking about a Dom hurting a sub or being a sadist or even sometimes getting carried away during a scene. i'm talking about the more abusive type of action where a Dom lashes out whenever He gets angry, takes His rages out on a sub in a physical manner, acts in an uncontrolled way during scenes, causes harm and lasting damage to the sub as a result, uses His power to intimidate and beat down rather than to control in a consensual manner. It's a difficult line to describe, but i know it's there and i hope that others understand the point i'm trying to make.

6. uncertainty - of course we can't expect Doms to be sure about everything all of the time, and there's a great deal to be said for a Dom who admits He doesn't know something or wants to try something but isn't sure how it will work out or who sees that He has made a mistake and takes measures to correct it. i'm not talking about any of those scenarios here; i'm talking about more general uncertainty - about Himself or about the path He wishes to lead the sub down in the relationship. If a sub gives over control to a Dom she expects Him to lead her, guide her, train her, give her orders and rules and directions. If He doesn't know what He wants from her, doesn't set any rules or guidelines, is continually changing His mind, leaves her to make her own decisions or worse still asks her what she wants/thinks for every situation it becomes pointless. If i come to my Dom with a question about how He wants something done i expect Him to have some kind of opinion on it, even if it takes a while for Him to get back to me or even if the answer turns out to be "actually i don't mind, do what you like about that" - but if that is the answer to every question is He controlling me in reality? Also some Doms are so uncertain about themselves and their Dominance that they spend all their time fretting about whether their feelings and desires are 'right' and so have no conviction behind their actions, which is very unsettling for the sub. i would suggest that in this case the Dom needs to come to terms with Himself first and then enter into a D/s relationship. Good Dominance has a certain element of surety and confidence behind it, even if that's sometimes put on!

7. arrogance - again a controversial one from sin's original post, and mouse followed up with a separate post devoted just to this sin: here. Though i admit that there is a certain amount of arrogance in most Doms, i think there is a big difference between confidence and arrogance and too much arrogance can be dangerous in a D/s relationship. It can make the Dom think He is invincible, that He can do anything He likes, that He is the only person that matters, that it should be all about Him. Ultimately it can make Him blame the sub for His own mistakes, neglect her needs entirely, attempt things He really isn't capable of or competent at, put the sub in danger, and turn into the type of person that nobody respects or likes or wants to be around let alone have a relationship with. So i think a good Dom needs to keep a tight rein on His arrogance and not let it get too much.

Please leave comments on this post, either at the bottom or using the 'comment inline' feature - i'd love to get some discussions going on what others think of my 'deadly Dom sins' and which ones you would have chosen.

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William's story

i figured i should write a post to help new readers to this blog catch up with where William's at, without having to trawl through all the previous posts. So this post will be a permanent link in the sidebar and updated regularly to keep everyone informed of William's progress. i'm going to start from the beginning, so apologies if you already know all this:

We found out at the beginning of February 2010 that i was expecting twins. At the 12 week scan everything seemed fine, and we were told that our babies were 'dichorionic-diamniotic' twins which is the least risky type. But an ultrasound scan at the end of April showed possible abnormalities with William's heart and a follow-up scan a month later confirmed that he had multiple cardiac rhabdomyomas (benign heart tumours), so we were sent for further tests at a specialist hospital at the beginning of June. Those tests showed that William also had multiple cortical tubers (malformed areas of brain) in addition to the multiple cardiac rhabdomyomas which gave him a diagnosis of Tuberous Sclerosis. We were offered a late abortion of William as the prognosis was so severe, but decided against that option and continued with the twin pregnancy.

Both boys were born naturally on 15th August 2010 after a 10 1/2 hour labour - William arrived first weighing 6lbs 5oz followed by Finn weighing 5lbs 14oz. Tests on the placentas showed that they are non-identical. Both boys were fine and allowed home with me the next day. Initially William seemed fine, except for some problems with latching on and co-ordinating his suck/swallow pattern when breastfeeding and difficulties in settling to sleep unless tightly swaddled. But when he was 4 days old i noticed some strange jerking episodes from William which i thought might be seizures, and then the following night he had two more episodes which made him turn blue. We rushed him to hospital but the seizures had stopped by the time we got there and they discharged him after a thorough check-up.

We took William to his hospital appointment with the TS specialist at the beginning of September 2010, during which an MRI scan showed that he had over 50 cortical tubers plus 2 subependymal nodules in his brain (benign tumours in the ventricles) and an EEG showed electrical brain activity consistent with seizures. He was put onto a general epilepsy drug (phenobarbitol), which seemed to work in reducing his seizures for a while. Then at the end of November 2010 William was hospitalised for 5 days after some really nasty seizures which required the doctors to give him diazepam to bring him out of. He was put on a feeding tube and kept sedated while they ran lots of tests, the results of which were that he was diagnosed with complex epilepsy with many focal points in the brain (so not a candidate for surgery), clinical and subclinical seizures of different types (focal, tonic, clonic, myoclonic), including Infantile Spasms which have a devastating effect on development unless they can be stopped. He was put onto another drug (keppra) and we were sent home with supplies of diazepam for emergencies and ACTHar to inject into him daily to try to stop the IS.

The ACTH injections carry many side-effects so William had to be monitored closely for the 3 weeks he was on them, and he got very sleepy, cranky, irritable, hungry and fat during that time as they are powerful steroids. He also had to be kept indoors away from other people as the injections lowered his immune system to a dangerous level. But they were successful in stopping the Infantile Spasms and since then William has been weaned off the phenobarbitol and onto a different drug (topomax) which seems to be doing a reasonable job of keeping his seizures to a minimum, and since then another drug has been added (tegretol). Despite that he still has numerous seizures daily, but not of the length and severity that he once did, and we now have a special alarm which fits under his cot mattress to warn us of seizures when we are out of the room or during the night. William's seizures seem to get worse when he is unwell, such as if he has a cold, is teething, or has an ear infection, but he does not react to pain so it is difficult to tell when he is starting to become unwell. William has been hospitalised a couple of times since when his seizures get bad, but at the moment they are manageable most days.

William has also been diagnosed with a cortical visual impairment (which means his brain doesn't process input from his eyes properly) and sensory processing/integration difficulties affecting his senses of touch, hearing, vestibular and proprioception. At the age of 2 months he was enrolled with an early intervention clinic, through which he receives a weekly group therapy session, a weekly hydrotherapy session, a weekly speech therapy session, a weekly physiotherapy session, plus input and equipment from a physiotherapist, visual impairment specialist, speech therapist and occupational therapist (we currently have a light box, body brush, physio wedge, roll, ball and stool, and use a special reclining highchair, a special bath chair, a supportive insert for his pushchair and a baby sling with him). i also take William to a baby sensory club, stories and songs session at the library, baby yoga club (now stopped) and an ostepathy session every week. We made the decision to remortgage our house to get extra money for William's needs, some of which we used to build a sensory room in our loft. i carry out daily therapy with William in this room consisting of physio work, body brushing, sensory integration work, speech therapy work, visual therapy, massage and aromatherapy; and a small group of other mums bring their special needs babies round once a week for an informal group therapy session.

Because of his sensory difficulties William can be very resistant to certain sensory experiences which most babies tolerate without any problems. Examples include: having anything on or touching his head (including having clothes pulled over his head), having his nails cut (fingers and toes), having any clothes on his feet (socks, booties, any baby clothes with 'feet'), putting anything in his mouth (fingers, hands, toys, and most foods - to get him to eat anything it has to be one food type only, mixed with plenty of milk, of a smooth non-lumpy consistency without being too 'slimy', and of the preferred temperature), being on his tummy for too long, wearing the 'wrong' clothes (he has definite likes and dislikes with clothes even though i try to get the softest ones possible and pre-wash them for him), the feel of cotton wool or similar fuzzy textures on any part of his body, touching or holding most things in his hands (he only has a few specific textures which he will tolerate without problems and will close his hands tightly to avoid all other textures), certain sounds (such as sirens, some phone ringtones, alarm clocks, the microwave beeping, reversing noises on vehicles, car horns, dogs howling and also some songs or pieces of music which are too high-pitched or have a heavy bass beat), the lighting in some shops and supermarkets, lights flickering, waking up, being put down in his cot unless he is already asleep, etc. etc. But we are working on all these areas with him and will continue to do so. 

William has begun to show some of the early signs of autism, such as not giving eye-contact, not responding to his name being called, showing no interest in social interactions with people, not understanding or using pointing or other gestures, not copying facial expressions such as smiles, not understanding or participating in 'turn-taking' games, not babbling or  using vocalisations beyond crying, plus he has started to engage in 'self-stimulatory' behaviours such as arching his back, rocking his torso back and forth when held, shaking his head from side to side while staring into space, flapping his hands and staring at his fingers for long periods of time. We haven't taken him to be checked out for autism yet because his other developmental problems could be causing some of these symptoms, but it's something we are aware of and will keep an eye on (there is a strong correlation between TS and autism).

So far William has made slow but steady progress and can now:
- make a happy noise, a protest 'squawk' and giggle
- lift his head and shoulders up when on his tummy for up to 30 seconds
- maintain reasonable control of his head and neck when not tired
- keep his head up for brief periods of time when supported to sit (shoulders held back)
- maintain a sitting position when 'propped up' by cushions etc.
- respond positively to some textures by rubbing his cheek, hand or arm across them
- look at and focus on brightly coloured objects or lights, or when using the light-box
- track light-up toys in a darkened environment
- look at his reflection in a mirror
- look at an increasing range of objects and pictures in normal lighting
- show anticipation and preferences during familiar routines and experiences
- show some awareness of cause and effect to operate simple toys
- open his hands and try to splash with his fingers when in water
- bang on objects with a flat hand
- press down on a large switch pad with a flat hand when it is placed there
- reach out and touch someone with a flat hand to ask for 'more'
- show recognition of people familiar to him
- turn towards people when smiling at something they are doing
- accept small amounts of cereal mixed with milk from a spoon
- eat rusks, bananas and apples mixed together, cheesecake topping, sponge cake, custard, yoghurt with no bits or well-mashed potatoes blended with milk
- drink from an open cup with support

We are currently working on these areas:
- opening up his hands in a more generalised way
- batting at objects
- reaching out for and grasping objects
- releasing objects put into his hands
- looking at people's faces and making eye contact
- turning his head to look at objects or people
- babbling and a greater range of vocalisations
- purposeful play with toys
- accepting things touching his head or being on his feet
- responding to his name
- turning towards sounds
- rolling over
- pushing through his legs when held upright
- sitting independently
- bringing things to his mouth and mouthing his fingers
- kicking with his legs
- exploring his hands and feet
- eating a wider variety of foods

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Brave little bean


William never ceases to amaze me. It must be so difficult for him trying to learn new things with all those areas of damaged brain, trying to make sense of the world without being able to see it properly, trying to work round his many sensory processing problems which make lots of tactile and auditory experiences too sensitive for him, trying to be happy and alert whilst having numerous seizures daily, trying so hard to be everything that he can be despite his many problems.

Take today for example. Sir had booked for the 'magic' massage lady to come round and do a session for me, Finn and William. Which was gladly received after our tiring (but enjoyable) day out in London yesterday. For those who don't know, she does a special form of 'mother and baby' massage where we lay down on mats, pillows, beanbags etc and are free to move around and change positions as we please, while she massages us all at the same time, flowing from one to another of us with her soothing hands whilst we enjoy lots of skin to skin contact (the babies wear just their nappies and i wear just a pair of panties). William in particular loves massage (i do it with both boys daily), so was very smiley whenever the lady spent some time on him. He'd let out a few protest squawks when she moved onto Finn, but then all of a sudden he reached out and touched her hand with his to request she massage him some more! This is the first time William has purposefully reached out to someone, the first time he has touched a person with his flat hand, the first time he has looked at where his hand is going (outside of the sensory room) and the first time he has made a purposeful communicative gesture like that. i was so happy i just sat there and cried, and the great thing is he did it several more times after that, when he felt that his turn hadn't been long enough. Now i know he understands this communicative gesture, i'm going to get him to do it a lot more to request things to happen 'again', and i think i can probably get him started on some simple 'cause and effect' toys where once he knows how to operate them he might be able to reach out and perform the action himself to get it to happen again.

Such a clever little bean, so brave and so determined despite his difficulties. And a very proud mummy :)

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formspring.me #70


Just discovered your blog.  I enjoy it.  You mentioned "cleaning" him without being asked -- said in the context of swallowing.  Can you provide details?Also, you mentioned, you are sometimes used  as furniture, can you provide some examples?

"cleaning" refers to me cleaning Sir's cock after He has been in my hand/mouth/pussy/ass/etc. It means that i am required to use my mouth to gently suck and lick His cock to remove anything that may be on it after it has been in one or other of my body parts. And my rules state that i must do this every time and not wait to be told.

"being used as furniture" refers to another of my rules which states that Sir may require me to be His table, stool, lamp, book-rest, etc. Basically it means that i take on the form and function of that piece of furniture as much as possible, using my body to rest Sir's feet on, or to hold a light for Him to see, or for Him to store His drink between sips, or to hold His book steady for Him to read, etc. To be honest i haven't been used as an item of furniture for a while due to how busy we are with the 3 children now, but it's just another way in which a slave can be of use to her Master and also be reminded of her place at the same time.

Thanks for your question! i still have a few more formspring questions to answer, but some i deleted because they were comments rather than questions, or they have already been answered, or they were too long so i didn't get to read what the whole question said! Please try again if you think you fall into that last category.

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Mother's Day (again)


Happy Mother's Day to all the mummies in the UK who are celebrating this special day today (and thank-you to one special reader for the email message yesterday - very thoughtful of you). Today i received breakfast in bed, snuggled with all 3 kidlets and Sir (which ended up with the duvet cover needing to be washed, but never mind). And the boys gave me a gorgeous gift of their hand and footprints framed with a photo of the two of them in the middle. Quite when Sir did the prints or took the photo i don't know, but it was a very beautiful gift and it made me cry. Poppy chose her own gifts again this year - an apron that she had decorated herself with fabric pens and some chocolates :)

This morning i realised once again how incredibly lucky i am to have my family and how privileged i am to be the mummy of 3 such incredible little ones. Poppy is amazingly beautiful, very very bright and has such a sweet, caring and thoughtful nature that she's always making me laugh or smile with the things she does and the sayings she comes out with. i know already that she will be a fierce protector of her little brothers and William in particular, and will always be ready to help him out or stand up for him, which reassures me a lot. Finn is a gorgeous little button, full of smiles and cheeky giggles, so patient and chilled-out about life but also so curious and alert and eager to explore everything around him. He also has a special bond with William and accepts him just as he is, which i know will be important in the future.

And then we come to William - he is such an adorable little thing, so complex and hard to fathom at times, but yet so incredibly brave and determined and resilient despite his difficulties. He is my little snuggler, the one who needs extra touches and kisses and hugs and 'mummy-time', yet he's also the one who is most vocal about what he wants and how he wants it and woe-betide-you if you get it wrong! Recently William had an assessment with the developmental specialists at the TS clinic, and though he is behind in all areas (as we already knew) they were pleased with his progress so far and said that the therapy we're doing is definitely benefitting him and we should continue with everything we're currently doing for William. His vision in particular is much improved, and they saw signs of him beginning to look at and focus on objects in normal lighting which is something he used to not even try with before because he knew he couldn't 'see' them. They also felt that his movements and co-ordination are showing positive signs of improvement, as is the fact that his head control continues to show progress and he is beginning to open up and use his hands independently. There was also good news from the EEG scan which showed the lowest levels of electrical activity in his brain in all the scans done so far, and no signs of the Infantile Spasms returning, which we were very relieved about. So in all areas William continues to make slow but steady progress.

One dilemma i do have at the moment is about weaning the boys off breastfeeding. i get to a point with my babies when they are about 6-7 months when i start to feel uncomfortable with continuing to nurse them - once they can sit independently and start eating solids they seem too big for it and i no longer want to do it, so with Poppy i transitioned her to a bottle and then gradually onto formula milk. But in William's case i am worried this will cause him difficulties as he is only taking very small amounts of cereal mixed in with spoonfuls of my milk, and nothing else. Also because changes are hard for him i can see it being tricky to get him used to a bottle and maybe he won't take to formula milk? i'm trying not to feel guilty about it, but i can't help feeling that i'm putting my own comfort over the needs of my babies and that's a hard thing to balance up. Maybe i'll try the change-over gradually and see how William does with it?

Anyway, thanks for listening to my ramble, and have a great day whatever you're doing :)

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D/s as a belief system?

In a recent comment on this blog someone spoke about how their submission isn't just a set of behaviours designed to invoke a certain response from their Dom, but rather it is a 'belief system'. In a way it makes a lot of sense to me that D/s should be a belief system, because i have always felt it to be more than just a 'lifestyle choice.' To me a lifestyle choice implies it is more of a role i have chosen to adopt, and also makes it seem like something of a 'fad' i am currently going through, a phase which i will work my way out of and change to something else - a bit like when teenagers decide they are going to be 'goths' or 'emos' or whatever else is currently trendy. They go all out for a while to represent themselves as that particular role, with their clothing, hair, make-up, outward appearance, the places they go, the things they say, the bands they're into, the activities they do in their free time, the way they relate to others, etc. But such phases are generally short-lived and are part of an 'act' or persona to demonstrate to the world aspects of how that person is feeling at that particular stage in their lives. Looking back on it later i'm sure most of those people will laugh at their 'funny goth phase' and certainly not feel that it represents them any longer. But i see D/s as something much deeper than this type of 'lifestyle choice', something more than a role, longer-lasting than a teenage phase, more intrinsically entwined with who and what i am, so that though i have actively chosen this life it's as if i didn't really have a choice, it's what i needed to be. Could it be then that D/s is part of my belief system?

Wikipedia says that a belief system refers to one or more of these 5 things: a life stance, a religion, a world view, a philosophy, an ideology. We can scrap the 'religion' one straight away because i don't see that D/s is anything to do with religion (others may disagree, but i'm talking about my personal views here). The 'world view' statement also doesn't sit easy with me because my D/s is a very personal thing which i see as being relevant only to me and Sir; i certainly don't believe that everyone should engage in such relationships, that they are 'right' for people in general or that others hold the same submissive or Dominant characteristics as we do (obviously some people do, but definitely not 'the world' as a whole). But the other three statements from Wikipedia could hold true for my understanding of D/s, so i'll explore each of them in turn:

- D/s as a life stance: 'A person's life stance is their relation with what they accept as being of ultimate importance, the presuppositions and theory of this, and the commitments and practice of working it out in living.' i'm not sure that i would see D/s as being of 'ultimate importance', although at this moment in my life it is an important part of who i am and the relationship i am in. Reading through the Wikipedia article on this is also becomes clear that 'life stance' usually refers to a religion or its alternative (such as humanism, atheism, etc.), and again i wouldn't categorise D/s in the same bracket as these. But i guess D/s could be seen as my personal life stance, as me weighing up what is important for me to have in my life, accepting the theories behind BDSM and the fact that it isn't 'wrong' to be submissive/Dominant/ masochistic/sadistic, etc. and actively seeking out and shaping a life which incorporates these elements. i'm not entirely sure that 'life stance' fully explains my involvement with D/s though, so let's move on.

- D/s as a philosophy: this is the one which i was most hopeful about, thinking that i could define D/s as my personal philosophy. But having read the Wikipedia article it seems that philosophy is necessarily linked to how i think the world is or should be, or how i think people are or should be. And that's not how i see D/s at all. i'm not one of these Goreans who claim that all women should be slaves and are by their very nature lower and lesser than men. i don't feel that everyone has an inner sub or Dom waiting to be discovered. i don't believe that everyone could be happy in a D/s relationship. i see D/s as one version of relating to another in a structured relationship that only works for certain types of people, and i believe those people to be in the minority in society and in the world. So i can't claim that my views on D/s are a philosophy because they don't extend to my views on other people or relationships or society in general. So we move on to the last statement.

- D/s as an ideology: 'An ideology is a set of ideas that constitutes one's goals, expectations, and actions', this part holds true because the way i think about my D/s relationship very much encompasses my goals, what i want to achieve, my expectations both of myself and our dynamic, and my actions and daily life. my identity very much affects all aspects of my life and is an intrinsic part of me. However the article goes on to say that the purpose of an ideology is to change society or to bring about adherence to a set of ideals, neither of which i feel is relevant to the way i view my involvement in D/s. i do not want society in general to be involved in D/s nor do i want others in the lifestyle to conform to my way of doing things. The whole point about BDSM is that it is so wide and varied and people are free to adopt whatever elements of it they wish to without having to conform to a narrow set of rules and regulations. Though i would want BDSM to be accepted and tolerated by society as a whole, that's not the same thing as presenting it as an ideology to be adopted by people in general, so i don't see that this final statement fits the way i view D/s either.

In conclusion i don't think i can honestly say that D/s is a belief system for me, yet i still feel that it goes further and deeper than a mere 'lifestyle choice'. i guess in the end i'm getting tangled up in language and it doesn't really matter how i refer to it, so long as i'm living it and experiencing it and continuing to thrive with it. But it would have been nice to have found a better way to state what D/s means to me, that's all.

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