a submissive's musings: May 2011

Formspring.me #75

Does your Sir have all the passwords to your online accounts (such as blogs and IRC) or are those allowed to be private?

Yes He does, but He currently only uses them when there's a real need (such as when He posted info on here about me giving birth, or when William was taken into hospital, etc.) i don't see any problem with Him having the passwords to my online accounts and emails, it's not like any of it is hidden from Him anyway as He will read them whenever He wants to and often asks me who i have been chatting to on IRC, what we talked about, etc. As a slave i am so used to being open and honest with Him about everything that i would usually tell Him about a problem on the chatroom or a nasty email i received or a controversial blogpost i'd written before He found out for Himself anyway.

What political party did you vote for in the last election and why? Or, if you didn't vote, why not?
i know there are some Masters out there who tell their slaves which party to vote for or ban them from voting altogether. my Sir could do that if He wanted, but He sees no reason to and leaves it down to me whether i vote or not and who to vote for if i do. i haven't voted in the last few elections because i'm not really interested in politics, don't have a strong opinion on which party is better than another and don't particularly trust any of them anyway as they all lie just to get into power and then go back on their promises once they get in.

Did you go to university?
i considered going to train as a teacher, but then went into nursery nursing instead and got childcare qualifications on the job.

Given the age difference between the two of you, has your Sir lived with, been married or had any children before your current relationship?

Sir has lived with girlfriends (vanilla) and subs/slaves before, but never been married before (never been engaged to anyone else either) and does not have any children apart from the 3 we have together. i think because He discovered His Dominant side fairly young He focused on those types of relationships, so didn't go down the traditional move in together, get married, have kids line until later on in His life (with me!)

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This morning when i checked on my blog i noticed that the little hit counter near the bottom had clicked over the magical 500,000 mark at some point in the night. 500,000 hits on this humble little blog! Halfway to a million! i know there's other BDSM blogs out there with way more hits than that, but for little ol' me it's quite an achievement to know that so many people have visited here and had a look around, read some posts, maybe left a comment and perhaps even some of them will have left with a slightly better view of TTWD than when they arrived? Maybe?

When i first started this blog, back in 2006 now, i was a new submissive and just finding my feet and beginning the 'proper' part of my relationship with Sir. This blog began as an extension of the paper journal which Sir required me to keep (and still does), as a way of recording all my thoughts and experiences in a more accessible way, and a means of getting support and advice from the online BDSM community. So much has changed since then (we got married, had kids, etc.) and i've changed a lot as a person and as a slave, but this blog has adapted to fit those changes, it's expanded to incorporate all the new parts of being libby and when i compare the types of posts i write now to those i wrote way back in the beginning, i actually prefer the more recent ones. Of course that doesn't mean that my readers will and there may well be stuff i'm posting about or elements of my sidebar that people really aren't interested in. Conversely there may be stuff that people think is really good but i don't do enough of it, or stuff i don't currently write about or include on this blog that people wish i would.

So here's your chance to have your say! Please feel free to send me an email, leave a comment or vote in my poll and let me know which features of this blog are your favourites, the ones you read the most, the types of post you're most interested in, what you think i could get rid of and anything you'd like to see me add here - it could be a gadget, a sidebar feature, a type of post, whatever you want. And i'll consider all the comments and votes and see if i can start making my way towards that 1 million hits mark!

Thank you to everyone who visits and reads here, but especially those who take the time to comment and vote and email and use the LineBuzz feature, because it's feedback from people like you that inspires me to keep writing like i do, even when life gets busy and hectic!

..... in the middle of the night that Sir was pushing His cock into my ass and i was gradually opening up to Him and it felt so good.....

..... then i woke up and realised that Sir was leaning over me as i lay on my tummy and He was gradually pushing His cock into my ass and i could feel the lube between my cheeks and it felt so good.....

..... and i lay there under Him in the middle of the night, sleepy and still while He took my ass and i just submitted to it and opened up for Him and let it happen and enjoyed the sensations of being so full and it felt so good.....

..... afterwards He pulled out and had me clean Him with my mouth and then i felt Him slide a towel under me and He whispered "good girl" in my ear and stroked my hair and told me to go back to sleep and i drifted back to sleep in His arms with His cum slowly oozing out of my bottom and it felt so good.....

..... and i returned to the dream where Sir was using my ass for His pleasure and i could feel how big He felt inside me and how full and stretched He made me, yet i was relaxed and letting it all happen because it just felt so good.....

..... this morning i woke up and remembered the dream(s) i had in the night about being taken in the ass by Sir and i remembered how good it had felt in the dream and i smiled and turned over to tell Sir about the dream and then found the towel under me and realised it hadn't just been a dream, it had really happened too, and the knowledge that Sir will take me and use me as and when He wants made me feel so good.

So yesterday was the big day and it was time for me to do my first bit of 'demo-subbing' at a play party. i was nervous, partly at leaving the twins for the first time together in the care of someone else (my mum and my sister), partly at being on show in front of so many people and partly at not knowing what would be expected of me, but also excited because i was getting to submit properly and fully for a whole 2 hours!

We arrived at the venue early and i met the Dom running the stall i was to demo-sub for. He was really nice and talked me through all His products:

nipple shields (non-piercing)

nipple shields in flower design worn by breast model

floggers (many different kinds and sizes and colours)

paddles

slappers

crops

..... and many other goodies! i was asked to strip and put on a pair of 'flower' nipple shields, then given a stack of leaflets with which to circulate and hand out to people as they started arriving. i felt very self-conscious at first but once other people came and stripped off and i saw what (little) they were wearing i soon forgot about the fact that i was naked except for a small metal flower around each nipple! When i had given out most of the leaflets i returned to the stall and waited for my next duties and it didn't take long for people (mainly Dom/mes but some subs too) to come over and start asking questions and looking at the products. i guess the leaflets must have mentioned a 'demo sub' (i didn't read them) because several of the Doms were asking to try out the equipment and glancing at me as if to say 'Is it her?', so i was put into position holding onto the end of the table while several of the floggers were tried out on my bottom. After that everything gets a bit blurry because it seemed like one thing after another was tried out on me, mainly on my bottom but some on my pussy and thighs as well, a couple on my bewbies (gently because i am still nursing) and a couple on my back. And the sensations kind of blurred into each other, though i'm told i did a good job of feeding back on how the different implements felt and describing them in terms of 'thuddiness' or 'stinginess' and rating them on a scale of 1-10 when asked. And there was much swapping of nipple shields to see which looked best and many Doms wanted to practice putting them on and taking them off, so that my nipples were really quite tender by the end of the evening!

The 2 hours went by really quickly and then all of a sudden the next sub was there ready to take over from me and the Dom running the stall was thanking me and saying what a good job i had done and telling me to pick out a pair of nipple shields to take home as a thank-you present! So i chose some sunshine/flame ones a bit like in the picture above and got dressed and Sir led me out to the car and gave me some snacks and a drink and checked me over and we spent some time snuggling before driving home. The kidlets had all been absolutely fine and Finn and William had drunk their milk from their various containers (Finn = bottle, William = open cup with help) without any fuss and gone to sleep with no problems and Poppy had been a little angel as usual. i wasn't sure if i was going to suddenly crash down into subdrop on getting home because i had a vulnerable and needy stage, but got through that with some hugging and petting from Sir and more snacks to keep my energy levels up. my bottom and thighs and pussy and nipples were quite tender all night and i can still feel them today if i sit or move in certain ways. And there are some mottled marks on various places of my body, but nothing too much.

Overall i'm glad i did it and Sir is very pleased with me, so a positive experience for my first try at demo-subbing!

Hello. This question is for both you and your husband to ponder. Since you are your husband's 'woman', shall we say owned by him, do you think it is appropriate for him to expose your naked body to other people? It is normally not the done thing.

i'm not sure 'appropriate' is the right word to use here. As a slave i don't really have a say in what happens to me, therefore it isn't up to me to say what it 'appropriate' or not. i guess i could say some behaviours would be 'inappropriate' such as requiring me to walk naked down the high-street or rob a shop or anything that means i would get into trouble with the law or expose the public to things they don't want to see. But anything else is down to the wishes of my Sir. And yes i have been exposed naked to other people (at my collaring, at play parties, during training, at BDSM dinner parties) etc. It's not something i would have chosen to do voluntarily, but it's not something which causes me a huge problem either as i know Sir is keeping me safe and i won't come to any harm.

P.S. Sir decided not to answer this question.

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Poppy turns 3 on Wednesday (25th May), but we had her party yesterday as it's much easier to arrange these things for weekends. When asked what she wanted for her party she said "cake, icecream, sharks" so we decided to hold it at the Sealife Centre and invited 9 of her friends from nursery and other places along. With Poppy, Finn and William that made a total of 12 young kidlets and we'd already made the decision that parents didn't have to stay with their children, so we took on quite a challenge! Luckily we had plenty of help - my friend Victoria offered to look after the boys, Sir was there to assist, my mum and sister came along to help as did Sir's mum, so we had one adult to every two children.

In the end they were all really well behaved, apart from one incident where a little girl got terrified of 'Snorkel the Shark', a mascot who came to visit the party and lead some games, and another little boy peed his pants in the middle of 'musical bumps'! But otherwise it went really well and all the kids had a great time. There was a party room set aside for us, with food and drink provided (including a beautiful cake, and yes there was icecream too!), time for songs and games with Snorkel the Shark and another member of staff, a special touch-pool discovery encounter where the kids were allowed to hold lots of the creatures and ask questions about them, and plenty of time to look round the centre and go in the shop. Poppy was in her element, showing her friends the different types of fish she knows and spending lots of time in the underwater tunnel watching the sharks swim above. Finn loved looking at all the different fish and even William enjoyed parts of it (especially the jellyfish which were lit up from behind so he could see them really well), though he did have to spend some time outside when he got grizzly.

We gave Poppy her presents yesterday too - we got her a baby bunny as a pet now that she is old enough to help take care of it. We went on Friday night to a house fairly near here, where a litter of rabbits was born a few months ago and are now ready to be rehomed. Poppy was allowed to choose which bunny she wanted and she chose well - it's a little boy bunny (who has been named 'Cookie') looking similar to this:

She got a painting easel and art set from her brothers, and lots of other lovely presents from her friends and family. A special thank-you to one lovely friend we made through this blog who sent us an e-voucher again for the childrens' birthdays: we got Poppy a 'Peppa Pig' play house with her portion of the money, which she absolutely loves :) On her actual birthday we're having her Nanny and Grampy and her Grandma over for a family tea, chosen by Poppy herself.

Happy birthday to my Poppy poppet - i'm so proud of the beautiful little girl you've become and wish you much happiness this year xxxx

i have nothing against submissive men/ subbie boys and infact i have come to admire several of them who i have gotten to know better through the P&H chatrooms or through other blogs. But it seems to me in general that there are few less 'decent' submissive boys out there than there are submissive girls and that the two groups generally tend to have different reasons for getting involved in the lifestyle. i know i am stereotyping and over-generalising here and i don't mean to offend or upset anyone, but i'll try to explain what i mean.

Firstly let me state that i have no problem with the idea of a man being submissive, unlike some others in the lifestyle (notably some Goreans) who seem to think that the 'natural' way of things is for Men to be Dominant and women to be submissive so there is something inherently wrong in it being the other way round. i am not one of them. But i have noticed that there appear to be many more subbie boys than Dommes, at least online, whereas the numbers of submissive females and male Doms seems much more equal. Maybe i just hang out in the wrong rooms, but that's the trend i've seen. Also most of the subbie boys i've seen online seem to be much more into the 'bottoming' role rather than true submission or slavery - it's much more about kinky play or sex, what they can get out of it, rather than an internal need to submit to the control of another. Or that's the way it comes across. Sit in the chatroom and observe the subbie boys who come in and you'll find that most of them are unable or unwilling to follow the room rules without being constantly prompted and reminded, that they crave immediate and constant attention from any Domme who happens to be in the room at the time, that they're always thinking with their little head (or their cock as it's more commonly known) asking about whether they can indulge in whatever their fetish happens to be, and that they're very much in it for the sex side and make frequent references to this. It all comes across as rather shallow and pointless, so it's no wonder that most Dommes steer well clear of the majority of the subbie boys who hang about online. Another thing i've noticed is that these boys tend not to be picky about who carries out their fetish or meets their kinky desires, so they're quite happy for a subbie girl to play with their cock or let them lick their toes or whatever else they happen to fantasise about, whereas most subbie girls are looking for the control of being used by a Dominant, not just getting their kinky rocks off with anyone with a pulse.

Perhaps you think i've painted an unfair picture here and to some extent i know i have, but it still remainst true to what i've seen happen time and time again online. i do know of examples of online and real-life D/s couples where the subbie boy is into it for the pleasure of serving and obeying his Domme, but it seems that these boys are very few and far between, especially when compared to the many genuine female subs and slaves out there. Not that there's anything wrong with being into it purely for the kink and the sexual gratification, just pointing out an observation. And comments, as always, are welcome :)

i have experienced a form of subdrop after particularly intense scenes before, normally ones involving high levels of sustained pain. But usually it involves a floaty, dreamy, not quite connected feeling where i get very quiet and feel very small and just want to snuggle with Sir for a while. And then i am fine.

Today i had some training with Sir Mark as is now usual for a Sunday morning, involving some humiliation, some exhibitionism and some pain, but nothing any more extreme than in previous weeks. Afterwards i felt fine and had a bit of a snuggle with Sir, a snack and a drink, and then collected the twins from their cots when they woke from their naps and carried on with the day. But then a couple of hours later, after lunch, i suddenly started feeling upset, worried, hurt, vulnerable and very unsure. i waited until the twins were busy playing on the floor and Poppy was happily making 'fishies' out of playdough at the kitchen table, and then i quietly whispered in Sir's ear that i was struggling (and then burst into tears). Sir was very good and made time to snuggle with me on the sofa, quietly talking through my training from the morning, reassuring me that i am still special and beautiful to Him, telling me how well i have been doing, generally just taking care of me. After about 30minutes i was feeling much more composed and ready to look at Poppy's creations and play with Finn and William.

i think this is the first time i have ever 'crashed' down so hard after a session and the fact that it wasn't immediate but several hours later was kind of scary, because it is difficult to plan for those kind of contingencies when we have a busy family life to fit our play and training sessions around. But today's experience has shown me that Sir is able to deal with these kinds of problems if and when they do occur, that He can provide me with lovely aftercare any time it is needed, that He is sensitive to my needs and feelings and that we can get through these issues without affecting our children. Some people doubt that subdrop exists, but having experienced it in several different forms now i know it does!

.... as Poppy calls him is turning out to be a very bright little button indeed! It seems that everyday he learns a new skill and does something to surprise us, and maybe because of having William as a twin it makes him seem super advanced in comparison. i try not to let it hurt my heart everytime Finn does something new, takes the next step in his development, or learns another skill, because i want to be happy for Finn and allow him to be the person he needs to be, without holding him back. Yet at the same time it is becoming more and more obvious just how delayed William is and will continue to be, despite his own achievements and progress so far.

But i want this post to be about Finn, and to be a happy one celebrating the wonderful little person he is. Finn is not even 9 months old yet and already he is crawling proficiently (and very quickly too when he sees something he wants to get to), pulling himself up to standing on anything and everything available, getting himself from a standing to a sitting position independently and is beginning to cruise around holding onto the furniture or his push-along truck toy. It doesn't seem that long ago that he was just laying on the floor, practicing pushing up on his arms or rolling over, and now here he is getting ready to take his first independent steps!

Finn's personality is also emerging more and more as the weeks go by, and he is turning out to be an inquisitive, alert, cheeky and mischevious little bean, with a constant glint in his eye which says "hmmmm I wonder what will happen if I do this......?". I can see him being quite a handful as he gets older, but already he has the ability to win me round with a cute grin and a proud "glah!" sound, which seems to mean "look what I did!". Finn loves books, bubbles, music, anything which makes lots of noise, balls and moving vehicle toys such as cars, trains and trucks. For some reason he finds 'Sesame Street' hilarious and will sit and giggle for ages at the different muppets moving and speaking and singing. He also loves exploring new things and finding out what he can do with them, and will proudly repeat an action over and over, delighting in knowing that he has made something happen. i can see him being a very avid student and loving to learn new things at nursery and school when he is older :)

Finn is also a very happy, placid and laid-back boy who clearly has a special bond with William and really looks out for him. Finn will always cry if William has a seizure and he spends lots of time during the day babbling away to him, reaching out for him, holding his hand or his arm, looking for where he is, crawling over to check on him, handing him toys and books to look at, generally spending time with his twin brother. The boys sleep in separate cots now but the first thing Finn does on waking is to pull himself up to look over into William's cot and check he is OK, and the first thing he does on waking from a nap or returning to the room after being taken for a nappy change etc. is to look for William and reassure himself that everything is fine with his brother. He is such a sweetie in that respect and so patient with all the extra time that William takes up because of his medical and therapy needs. He also adores his big sister Poppy and loves all the attention she gives him. The two of them will chatter away to each other for ages, and love to 'sing' together or look at books and pictures, and Finn's absolute favourite activity right now is when Poppy brings her toys or puppets and puts on a little show for him.

i hope you can tell from this post how incredibly proud i am of Finn and how smart and cute and adorable he is. i feel very lucky to have him, as well as William and of course Poppy, and i am going to try my hardest to ensure he has everything he needs in order to have a happy and enriching childhood and reach his full potential, without being held back by virtue of the fact his twin is disabled. i hope he never comes to resent William, but always loves him and looks out for him and helps him. Thank-you for reading :)

Do you think that a person who gets gratification out of controlling, psychologically manipulating, physically hurting and "owning" another person is a mentally stable person? DO you think that this reflects a sane mindset or do you think such a person re

Firstly i'm afraid your question was too long and got cut off, so you're welcome to post the rest of it in a comment or something, but for now i'll answer what i can see:

To start with i would think it's fairly obvious that i do think that Sir is a 'mentally stable' person and that His actions reflect a 'sane mindset', otherwise i would not be married to Him, living with Him, have given over all control to Him and certainly would not have had children by Him. So i'm guessing what you really mean by this question is that *you* don't think a person who gets gratification out of controlling, psychologically manipulating, physically hurting and "owning" another person is mentally stable and has a sane mindset and therefore you find it hard to understand why someone like me would choose to enter into a relationship with such a person. Which is fair enough, we're all entitled to our own opinions and to choose our own lifestyle, but that includes me as well.

i am entitled to weigh up the pros and cons and choose to become a slave, i am entitled to make the decision to give away all control of my life to another, i am entitled to bring my children up within a marriage which happens to be one of Master/slave even though they are not exposed to that, i am entitled to enjoy and benefit from, need and crave and desire to be hurt and used and controlled by the Man i love. i do not look at the decisions you have made in your life, or the person you may be in a relationship with, and question whether they are good choices or that person is mentally stable because i don't think it's any of my business. i believe i have shown through my blog that i am happy and fulfilled in my relationship, that my children are safe and well looked after, and indeed that my Sir is a good and decent human being, so there is no need for concern.

i believe that it takes all sorts to make the world, that people will naturally have different personalities and characteristics, enjoy different things, enter into different forms of relationships, etc. A small percentage of those people are truly "bad" or mentally unstable or insane, and a small percentage of those relationships are abusive and detrimental to one or both participants. But my Sir and our relationship together do not fall into those categories. There are people in this world who are natural leaders and those who are natural followers - does that mean that those who get gratification out of controlling others through their job (e.g. by being a manager, policeman, prison officer, even a teacher) are mentally unstable? That those who enjoy "owning" animals as pets are somehow insane? How far do you take that theory? In my opinion Dominants like my Sir are towards one end of the scale in that they choose to exert their natural inclination to control and lead and extend it into all areas of their life including their marriage/personal relationships *with a consenting other*. If you look at the animal world there's many parallels to be drawn there with dominant males, pack leaders, etc. so it's a very natural way to be.

i hope that's answered your question. Please leave a comment if you wish.

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