a submissive's musings: August 2011

1000

That's how many posts i have written on this blog, including this one! i just wanted to take the opportunity to thank all my readers for their support and comments and to give you all the chance to leave a comment telling me what you would like to see on this blog - either in the sidebar or in my posts.

Blogging has been so much more beneficial to me as a slave than i realised when Sir first made it a condition of me having internet access, and i'm so grateful for the many times it has helped me through a stressful or difficult situation. And i love the way it makes me feel part of a subbie community, even when everyone else around me in real-life seems to be totally vanilla and has no idea of this aspect of my life. So thank you to Blogger as well :)

And here's to the next 1000 posts!

formspring.me #80

I know you talk to Sir and write in your blog when you have issues with your submission or your life (like coping with William's diagnosis). How does Sir work through his problems? Is there a tendency for Doms to bottle things up?

Sir tends to work through problems by Himself to start with and then He will sit down with me during one of our 'free talk' times and discuss the issue with me too, stating what thoughts He has had about it, setting out the different options and then asking for my opinion. He will listen if i have a different opinion to His or have an alternative suggestion to the ones He has already thought of, and then He comes to a decision and tells me what that is. With things which have no solution, such as William's condition, we talk frequently and openly about our feelings and how we are coping and Sir will admit to me when He is struggling so that i can give Him extra support during those times. i like it that Sir is comfortable enough in His Dominance not to feel threatened by opening Himself up like that to me and that He isn't afraid to admit to His weaknesses and accept support from me in them.

i know when Sir has a problem or issue He is working through, because He will get very quiet and take Himself away (usually to His study area in the converted garage) and the best thing to do is just give Him time to process everything and wait for Him to come to me when He is ready. That's also what happens when He is grumpy or angry for some reason and again i just give Him time and space until He is feeling better again. i guess on the whole, Doms are likely to bottle things up more than subs because we have it drummed into us that we must be completely open and communicate all our negative feelings and issues to our Sirs so that they can help us work through them. But i haven't found that to be the case with my Sir, so i guess the bottling-up thing depends on individual personality as well.

Are you and your Master monogamous? You've mentioned playing with other women as part of your training, but your "Our Story" post also says you guys aren't sexually involved with other people "in that way".
Yes, Sir and i are monogamous and it was very important for that to be made clear to me before i accepted His collar otherwise i wouldn't have been able to enter into the relationship. i wouldn't be able to cope with Sir playing/scening with other women, let alone having a sexual or D/s relationship with anyone else. i do flirt and play and scene online with other people (male and female, Dominant and submissive), but only because Sir encourages it, and i have played sexually with other girls in real-life and been trained and scened with Doms and Dommes in real-life, because Sir has required it. But He sets strict rules, such as no other man's cock is allowed in my pussy or bottom, so in that way i am monogamous as i don't have sexual intercourse with any other man (though i have given blow jobs on request). The reason i wrote that statement in 'Our story' post was that people were asking if Poppy was definitely Sir's when i was pregnant with her, presuming that i had sex with other men and i don't!

When did your Sir stop having other subs? Did you ever meet his other subs?
i think this question has been asked before, but i'll answer it again. Sir has had several subs in the past, including having two at once at one time, but that didn't work out too well hence why He is now a one sub only Man! His last sub before me He released about a year before He replied to my online request for a Mentor/Trainer. And i haven't met any of His previous subs because i think it would make me start comparing myself to them and that's never a good road to go down. Sir has told me some things about them and that's all i need to know.

Ask me anything (250 characters)

Finn and William had their 1 year doctor's check up the other day, including more injections but they both coped well with that (infact William seems not to even feel them). i wanted to record the results here so i can refer back to them in future if needed (and incase anyone else is interested):

Finn
Finn surprised the doctor by running into the room and immediately pulling things off his desk to pile up on the floor and investigate! He was his usual cheeky self during the examination and kept grabbing for the doctor's stethoscope, babbling away to him (including several words in context such as "Hi!", "ball", "down" (when he wanted to go and play), "no no", "Woo woo" (William) and "Mum"), playing several of his favourite games such as peekaboo, pattacake, finding hidden toys under a cloth, building and knocking things over and rolling a ball back and forth. He took part in all the tests willingly and with his usual sense of curiosity and left the doctor's room looking like a mini version of our house (i.e. like a whirlwind had torn through it!).

The results were:
He is fine for height, weight and head circumference.
His vision and hearing show no signs of any problems.
He is at a 16-17 month level in his physical development.
He is at a 15-16 month level in language skills.
He is at a 13-14 month level in his cognitive development.
He is at a 15-16 month level in social skills.
He is at a 12-13 month level in his emotional development.

William
William remained calm and cooperative throughout the tests, which i was relieved about. He hadn't had any big seizures that morning so he was fairly alert and able to demonstrate to the doctor what he could do, with some help from me and plenty of encouragement from Finn! As expected, William remains delayed in all aspects of his development, but he has made progress since the last time the doctor did a formal check up on him, which is good news. The doctor definitely noticed an improvement in William's visual skills as he was looking at things much better than when he last saw him, but he said that his visual impairment is likely to have affected the other aspects of his development as babies rely so strongly on their vision to make sense of the world. He has referred William for a more detailed visual assessment with a specialist in a couple of weeks' time. William also has an assessment with the speech therapist coming up and a review of his medication with the epilepsy doctor soon, so there might be some changes to be implemented. One slightly worrying thing is that William exhibited some of the early indicators of autism during the check up, but the doctor said those could be due to his disability instead, although his particular syndrome is strongly correlated with autistic spectrum disorders. He said it would become clearer during the course of the next year whether William is likely to have autism or not and we can take him for a formal assessment when he is 2. Anyway, i'm not going to worry about that just yet.

The results were:
He is fine for height, weight and head circumference.
His vision has improved, but needs a more detailed assessment by a specialist.
His hearing is fine but he doesn't use it in a social way (e.g. responding to his name, turning towards someone's voice) and he has sensory sensitivities to certain noises.
He is at a 3-4 month level in his physical development.
He is at a 2-3 month level in language skills.
He is at a 1-2 month level in his cognitive development.
He is at a 2-3 month level in social skills.
He is at a 2-3 month level in his emotional development.

i am very proud of both my boys for everything they have achieved this year!

.... because i haven't done one of these for a while:

1. How in the world did i.... get to be the mummy of three such gorgeous and special little kidlets?

2. i have years and years of happy times with Sir and the children .... in front of me.

3. Life's.... what you make of it.

4. Sometimes when it rains, we spread a blanket on the floor of the living room and have an indoor.... picnic lunch.

5. That was where we.... had our collaring ceremony, in our barn.

6. The 'dungeon' outside in the converted barn.... i think of as "our place".

7. And as for the weekend, tonight i'm looking forward to.... the Celebrity Big Brother eviction, tomorrow my plans include.... shopping for clothes for the boys as they've grown again and Sunday i want to.... enjoy a good scening session with Sir!

i can't believe that i forgot to write about this before, but on Sunday i officially had my 'humiliation' training signed off by Sir and Sir Mark. There's been lots of things done to me during this training that i haven't wanted to write about here because i find humiliation quite a difficult emotion to process, but one of the conditions of me passing this training was to write on my blog about things i find humiliating in a BDSM context, so here goes.

i know that humiliation is very personal and subjective, so what some people would find arousing and 'fun' others will find humiliating and difficult. i think that i tend to find more things humiliating than most subs/slaves do, which is partly why this training has been so difficult for me. And also i don't get turned on by the humiliation factor in itself like other subs seem to, though if arousing things are being done to me at the same time i can get turned on despite the humiliation. OK, enough skipping around the topic, here's a list of things i find humiliating:

- being naked in front of people apart from my Sir, even people who have seen me naked before like Sir's Dom/me friends, it still humiliates me to be nude in front of them, especially when they are fully clothed and weirdly enough having some clothes on makes it more humiliating - like them putting me in high heels or over-the knee socks but naked otherwise. i don't know why.
- being gagged with open-mouth gags or having a head-harness attached. i hate the amount of drool with an open-mouth gag and i find it humiliating that they can put things in my mouth and i can't stop them. And the harness is too much like an animal harness for me to feel comfortable with it.
- being tied or strapped into embarassing positions which either leave me vulnerable and open (such as lying on my back with my legs apart and up) or make parts of my body look 'silly' or 'weird' (in my view) , such as inserting a nose clip or tying nipple clamps off to the side so they pull outwards.
- treating me like an animal, such as putting a pig tail buttplug in and making me snort or milking me like a cow.
- anything which stretches my nipples or makes them even bigger than usual, such as using nipple suckers on them or having the tower of pain device put on. i think that my nipples are too big anyway so making them bigger and drawing attention to them i find very humiliating.
- having a butt plug or dildo put in or taken out. For some reason i don't find them humiliating in themselves, unless there is an animal tail attached as mentioned before, but having to allow one of them to be pushed into my pussy or bottom i find very humiliating and i also hate having them taken out because i am worried what might be seen on them, if you know what i mean. Oh, and having a dildo pumped in and out of me is also humiliating for similar reasons.
- body parts 'jiggling' during a scene, such as my titties or bottom wobbling when flogged or paddled or if i am on all fours and my titties are hanging down and made to jiggle because something or someone is banging into my bottom.
- cumming in front of anyone other than my Sir, unless they cum too. i find it especially humiliating to make lots of juice when i cum and for that to be running onto my thighs or dripping on the floor. Or for it to be collected.
- having male subs or slaves watch any type of 'play' or 'training' session of mine, especially if all they do is watch and don't have anything done to them. Or if they are allowed to join in in some way, by putting a gag in me or by clamping something on me. Or if they are invited to take a closer look at a certain body part of mine. This one is especially humiliating to me.
- being naked outside, being tied up or gagged or clamped outside, being flogged outside.... you get the idea.

So there you have it, the top 10 things i find humiliating in a BDSM context. Please feel free to add any others which you find humiliating, i'd love to read other subs' points of view!

Why is humiliation such an important step in a submissive woman's growth? How would that build as much loyalty toward my husband/leader/HOH as tenderness, affection, and open conversation? This is the question that my wife asked me.

i'm not sure i'm the best person to answer this because i have only just completed my introductory humiliation training, so don't really have enough experience of it yet to know how it benefits me, let alone feel able to speak on behalf of submissive women as a whole. What i will say is that i don't think humiliation works for all subs/slaves and i think it works in different ways for different people.

Mainly i think that humiliation can be an important part of some submissives' training and growth because it strips them down like nothing else really can. When you allow yourself to become that vulnerable and you are taken to a place where you feel that small and worthless you are the pure uncomplicated version of yourself with no pretense or acting or any of that outward persona that most of us try so hard to maintain the whole time. And once you have been taken to that state, both you and your Dom can discover things about you that neither of you knew before.

Also by allowing yourself to be treated in that way requires a great amount of trust on the part of the sub, so that in itself can help her to grow and develop. i think one of the most important lessons i have learnt from my humiliation training so far is that i don't have to look all sexy and alluring all the time in order to be a worthwhile sub and that i can allow myself to be intensely vulnerable in front of other trusted Doms than my Sir and still come out of the experience as myself and not permanently broken.

i'm not sure if any of that will have made sense to anyone except me as i suspect that humiliation is one of those intensely personal things which affects people in different ways. But i know it has been useful for me as a slave to experience it and it has helped me to grow and develop, even though it has been very difficult and unpleasant at times.

Thank you for your question and please check back soon for a post on which things i find humiliating, which i am in the process of writing!

Ask me anything (250 characters)

**P.S. i realised that i got carried away and kind of forgot to answer the second part of the question, namely: how can humiliation build as much loyalty to a HOH as tenderness, affection and open conversation? Again i think everyone is different and for some people humiliation will have a negative effect and actually be detrimental to the trust and loyalty of the sub. But in cases where it doess work i think it is because it takes the relationship to new levels of trust and openness, it shows parts of the sub that nobody has ever seen before, it teaches her that she can allow herself to be that vulnerable in front of someone else and yet still be beautiful to Him. To me, tenderness, affection and open conversation have their place in a D/s relationship but they are very much vanilla concepts, humiliation is a unique part of a D/s dynamic and this is why it can be so beneficial to a receptive sub's growth and to the bond between her and her Dom.

We're back! We had a great time on our holiday and i'm so glad we went. It gave us all time to relax and enjoy ourselves and have some fun together. The weather was pretty good to us - not too hot so i wasn't worried about the kids overheating but warm enough for them to enjoy the beach, we only had one rainy day today and we spent it in the amusement arcade (which William absolutely loved because of all the lights and music) before coming home.

Finn has learnt a new skill of digging. First he used his spade to catapult huge amounts of sand straight up in the air, but after a demo he learnt to turn the spade sideways instead to dump the sand off and then there was no stopping him! Another of his favourite games on the beach was to watch us build sandcastles and then 'bang' them completely flat with both hands whilst squealing and "glah"ing with delight - the only issue was stopping him from doing the same to the sandcastles which Poppy built! The first couple of days Finn was perfectly content playing in the sand and then all of a sudden he surprised us on the third day by taking off at top speed towards the sea! And from then on it was difficult to get him out of the water (or to keep any clothes on him). Finn had a thoroughly good time on his birthday too and loved all of his presents, including a ride-on car toy which can be converted lot of different ways as he grows and a mini Henry hoover which he pushes across the floor while crawling and "glah"ing!

Chicco Quattro

William also loved the beach and the sea and has had plenty of practice the past few days in using his hands to splash and pat and scoop and sprinkle, with help. He especially loved being in the sea, once he got over the shock of it being a little colder than the water he is used to, and we were glad that we took the special float he uses in his hydrotherapy sessions so that he could sit in the water safely. He was very unsettled the first night in the holiday home and wouldn't eat for the first two days, but after that he was fine and ate and drank and slept well. William also had a lovely birthday and we are hopeful that the new ball and water play table we got him will help develop his motor skills even further. He also got lots of sensory and light-up toys which he loves.

Little Tikes Endless Adventures Ball Drop Bay Water Table

Little Tikes Endless Adventures Ball Drop Bay Water Table

Poppy also had a great time and spent her days on the beach making sandcastles, collecting shells and playing with her brothers in the water. She was very patient with them as always, except for shouting "bad boy Finn!" when he knocked over her sandcastle before we could stop him! Poppy happily gave her brothers the birthday presents she had picked out for them - a drum for William "to help his hands" and a train which makes "choo choo" noises as it trundles across the floor for Finn "cos Finn likes trains", both presents went down really well with the boys! Poppy's favourite day was when we visited the sealife centre, followed by the kiddies amusement park, but she was just as happy to spend time on the beach, though she didn't like sandy sandwiches for lunch!

All in all we had a great time, took some fantastic photos and videos as memories and i'm looking forward to future holidays with the kids as they grow older.

Just to let everyone know that we're off on our holidays - we're taking the kids to the seaside and staying in a holiday house for 5 nights from today (Sat 13th) to Thursday (18th). Hoping for lots of sun, sand and icecreams.....! See you when we get back :)

Having been nominated for the 'Sexy Blogger 2011' award list and having been assured by Mistress160 that even though i don't think of myself as being 'sexy' or my blog as being a particularly 'sexy' blog, some other people do see me in that way. She made an important point when She noted that i 'may not review toys or post naked photos but you write with enormous heart and courage about life as you live it .... and THAT is sexy' and it got me to thinking about what i find sexy....

And it turns out Mistress160 is right! (Not that She is normally ever wrong). The bloggers that i find most sexy are not the ones writing steamy erotic fiction (for the record i never read blog posts which are fictional - i find them boring) or posting posed photos of themselves trying to be porn stars or detailing their fantasies or writing about what their 'second life' avatar has got up to with their 'Master' in a completely made-up world (but hey you enjoy it if that's your thing). The bloggers that i find most sexy are the ones who write about their r/l D/s interactions in among the daily realities of life, the ones who post real photos of themselves in a scene or who don't post photos at all and leave it to our imaginations, the ones who are obviously real and genuine and not living in some fantasy world.

This applies to people i meet in the outside world too - the men i find 'sexy' are the ones who don't know it, who aren't trying too hard, who don't have to preen and pose and act all arrogant and 'look at me'. i find big strong hands incredibly sexy, i love a good happy trail (line of hair going down from a man's bellybutton) and a nice defined groove leading from a man's hips to his groin, i find a man who has just come off of a rugby pitch or from fixing a car very alluring - with a hint of sweat and dirt and pure masculinity, mmmm. But also i find it very sexy to see a man being tender with his baby or playing with a puppy or brushing a woman's hair and not worrying about letting his 'masculinity' drop - those are the times a man is most masculine to me. So 'real' sexy is much better in my view than 'porn' sexy anyday :) Thanks for reminding me of that Mistress160!

Happy birthday me!

Was too tired and full of food last night to write this post, but i just wanted to let everyone know i had a lovely birthday yesterday and to thank you all for your good wishes.

my day started with breakfast in bed, made by Sir and Poppy, surrounded by all my family and it was once again a lovely way to begin my special day. Then i was given my presents and cards and it was the personal touches which were most important to me - like the fact that Poppy had once again been allowed to choose the present she wanted to get me ("made mummy a box, mummy needs a box") so Sir had found a plain wooden trinket box and let her paint it and decorate it with glitter and sequins and plastic jewels - i'm going to use it to keep some of my jewellery in and it will make me smile everytime i look at it to know the care and love which went into making it. And each of the kidlets had made me their card, with really cure handprint butterflies from William, a messy painting full of colour from Finn and a crayon drawing of me from Poppy. From the twins i got a new photo frame with plenty of space for multiple photos because i was moaning the other day that i don't have anywhere to display more recent photos of the boys. And i was lucky in my other presents too - i got flowers, chocolate, perfume, lingerie, jewellery and vouchers.

Although it was a rainy, drizzly day it didn't spoil things because after Poppy was in nursery i got taken out for a pedicure (Sir had the day off work), which has made my feet look amazing and i tried out a new light purple nail varnish which i love. Then we had lunch together at home, which was lovely just to have my boys and Sir with me, chatting and laughing and playing together and enjoying nice food. (The afternoon was William's physio session, but it was good for Sir to be able to see it and realise how much improved he is since the last time he was able to watch it). Then in the evening we went out to dinner, all 5 of us, to an 'all you can eat' carvery, where i filled myself to bursting with beef and turkey and 3 kinds of potatoes and loads of veg and stuffing and the biggest yorkshire puddings i've ever seen and delicious thick gravy. And the kids were allowed to eat for free and they all did really well - Poppy was an angel as usual and kept the boys amused with her singing and chattering and usual liveliness, Finn charmed all of the waitresses with his cheeky smile and giggles and babbles and "hi!"s and "glah"s, William was very comfy in the special highchair we took along for him (it reclines as he doesn't have the sitting ability for a normal highchair yet) and ate some of the mashed potato plus some mashed apple and banana i took along for him, then got a bit fussy so i snuggled him on my lap where he promptly fell asleep for the rest of the time! It was the first time we have been out to dinner with all 3 kids and they were just great, i was so proud of them.

Oh i nearly forgot to mention that Sir and Poppy made me a birthday cake, which we didn't have room for once we got back from the restaurant but i'm sure we'll sample it today - it's a butterfly cake with the decorations made by Poppy with a little help from Sir and is again a lot more special than one just bought from a shop. Occasions like my birthday remind me how lucky i am to be surrounded by so many people i love and to receive so many treats and so much love in return. Thank you for a wonderful birthday, thank you to everyone who wished me 'happy birthday' yesterday and for all the love and friendship shown me when i went into the chatroom later in the evening :)

(And for those of you interested i was 32 yesterday, which seems quite old to me but not as the mother of 3 children i guess!)

Sexy blogger?

i've been nominated by the wonderful Mistress160 for the 'Sexiest Bloggers 2011' award - each year there is a list produced of the 100 top sex bloggers on 'Between my sheets' and i've been nominated to appear on it this year! i'd like to thank Mistress160 for nominating me and we'll see whether i get onto that list as there's so many great sex blogs out there (and not just D/s ones which makes even more competition!). Here's the link: Sexy Blogger Nominations.

After yesterday's emotional post about William it would be easy to forget that actually i gave birth to two babies a little under a year ago, and that both of them are miraculous and special in their own ways. Right from the start i knew Finn was special because before he was born i'd been having dreams and 'feelings' that he was going to be Joshua returned (Joshua is our baby who died when he was only a few weeks old in my tummy). And straight after he was born and handed to me, Finn gave me this look which told me that he was indeed who i thought he would be. Now i know that many people reading this are going to dismiss what i'm saying as a load of old rubbish, and that's fine it doesn't matter to me. What matters is that i know who Finn is and i know that he came back to help look after his twin who is likely to have significant difficulties to face all his life. You can believe what you want.

Finn has already started his role as William's protector and helper - the first thing he does every morning or after every nap and every time he is brought back into the area where William is (e.g. after being taken to a different room) is to check on William and make sure he is ok. Often he will say a quiet "Woo woo" (his word for William) when he does this, as if to reassure himself that his brother is fine. Finn will also take toys over to William, show them to him, hold them out to him, demonstrate how they work, basically encourage William to take them and play with them - William doesn't reach out and take toys yet but that doesn't deter Finn who will just put the toy on top of William or leave it next to where he is. Which is remarkable for a baby who is not even a year old yet, to have the awareness of another person's needs to be able to initiate an act like that. Finn is also very intune with William's seizures and often my first clue that something isn't right is when Finn starts crying in a certain way - that normally signals that his brother is having a seizure. Finn will always wake in the night and cry when William has a seizure and sometimes he can even be in a different room and suddenly he will pause and look worried and turn towards the room where William is and sure enough when i go to check William will be having a seizure. It's like Finn has a sixth sense about these things due to his special bond with William.

Aside from being William's protector, Finn is a gorgeous little boy in his own right, full of character and energy and cheekiness and curiosity about the world. Now he is walking (almost running at times!) the house looks like a war zone most of the time as Finn's favourite ways to explore things are to pull them out from their storage places, drop or push them to the floor and make large heaps of everything, then move on to the next zone to be demolished. At any given time all i have to do to locate Finn is to follow the trail of destruction and he'll be at the end of it creating yet another mess! Finn is such a boy and loves to knock things down, make as much noise as possible, cover himself in any substance available (except for poo - that's William's preference), tip things out, throw things, drop things, bang things together, push or pull things off of their location, shove things across the floor (to see if they roll), generally get into as much mischief as possible. You can tell how big the mischief (and the mess) is by listening to Finn's reaction as he creates it - "Glah!" is his word to show how pleased he is with something he has done, so the more "glah"ing and the louder the "glah"ing becomes and the more enthusiasm with which the "glah"ing is uttered means a higher level of mess and mayhem. Finn will also give you a warning he is about to do something naughty by saying "no no...." just before causing a terrific mess and his reaction to the devastation he causes is equally as cute - he will say "uh oh......" or "Fiiiiiiiiii!" (copying the way i say his name in those situations) when he is discovered, then give you the cutest grin ever and usually burst into uncontrollable giggles. It really is difficult to be cross with him, especially as there's no malice behind his destruction, he's just a little boy exploring the world in a rather enthusiastic manner.

Finn, as the title of this post indicates, is better than 'normal'. No he doesn't have a disability like William to mark him out as 'special', but i think i have already indicated some ways in which he is a unique little boy by the way he is towards his brother. He is also better than normal quite literally in that he is advanced for his age in all aspects of his development. Finn started walking at the age of 10 months and once he started there was no stopping him. He is now so competent on his feet that he literally almost runs at times, a skill which doesn't normally develop until 18 months - 2 years. Finn's language development is also ahead of schedule. He said his first word around 8 months old (after having been able to use several signs before then) and can now say the following words recognisably and in context:
"bah" - bath
"boo" - ball
"baba" - bottle
"boo!"
"bye"
"car"
"ca" = cat (at the moment lots of animals get labelled this as well as cats!)
"Dada" - daddy
"uck" - duck
"dow" - down
"Fiiiiiiiii" - Finn
"hi"
"oooo-va" - hoover
"ook" - look
"mum"
"ki ki" - monkey
"no no"
"ow" - out
"poop" - Poppy
"uh oh"
"Woo woo" - William

and i'm sure he probably says many other words too, i just haven't distinguished them from his general babble yet. Finn chatters away a lot, to himself, to William, to Poppy, to his mummy and daddy, to strangers in the street, to anyone basically. He loves people and having attention from them and interacting with them and being made a fuss of. But equally he is happy when left to occupy himself because there's always another mess to be made. Finn also loves hoovers (his favourite thing in the whole world is to follow the hoover round the room, shrieking and "glah"ing excitedly and his greatest triumph was when i left the hoover cupboard open by mistake and he managed to get in there!), anything transport-related: cars, trucks, planes, trains, etc, bubbles, water, musical toys, toys that make a noise, Elmo from Sesame Street, animals (especially ducks and cats), bricks (so he can knock down towers which people make), feeding himself finger foods, messy play, books, mirrors, being outside in the garden/woods/park/on the beach and swimming. He is a bright, cheerful, smiley, inquisitive, friendly, loving, happy-natured little soul with bags of energy, a great sense of fun and an infectious giggle. He continually brightens my day with his new discoveries about the world and his new ways of being cute and making me laugh. i feel very very lucky to have him as well as William, two very different but equally special little boys and i am extremely proud to call myself their mummy.

** i forgot to add that Finn's favourite activity at the moment is stripping his clothes off (usually just his bottom half as he can't get his tops off by himself), pulling his nappy off and running around completely naked, squealing and "glah"ing excitedly! We've managed to reach a compromise at the moment that he wears at least a nappy in the house but can be naked outside in the garden when the weather permits it, but that doesn't stop him trying to get naked at any opportunity he can! **

So my baby boys turn 1 in a couple of weeks' time (15th Aug) and i'm finding it hard to believe that it's been a whole year already! It only seems like a short while ago that i was looking and feeling like a beached whale and hoping each day that my babies would choose to be born that particular day. And here we are one year on with both boys doing well and having made so much progress and such an important part of our family. i just can't imagine my life without them now.

i found a lovely website about special needs kiddies which had a piece of writing on it which really touched my heart (i'm sorry but i don't like the 'welcome to Holland' one that so many other people recommend). Please read it before i continue:

I am the child who cannot talk. You often pity me, I see it in your eyes. You wonder how much I am aware of -- I see that as well. I am aware of much -- whether you are happy or sad or fearful, patient or impatient, full of love and desire, or if you are just doing your duty by me. I marvel at your frustration, knowing mine to be far greater, for I cannot express myself or my needs as you do.

You cannot conceive my isolation, so complete it is at times. I do not gift you with clever conversation, cute remarks to be laughed over and repeated. I do not give you answers to your everyday questions, responses over my well-being, sharing my needs, or comments about the world about me. I do not give you rewards as defined by the world's standards -- great strides in development that you can credit yourself; I do not give you understanding as you know it.

What I give you is so much more valuable -- I give you instead opportunities. Opportunities to discover the depth of your character, not mine; the depth of your love, your commitment, your patience, your abilities; the opportunity to explore your spirit more deeply than you imagined possible. I drive you further than you would ever go on your own, working harder, seeking answers to your many questions with no answers. I am the child who cannot talk.

I am the child who cannot walk. The world seems to pass me by. You see the longing in my eyes to get out of this chair, to run and play like other children. There is much you take for granted. I want the toys on the shelf, I need to go to the bathroom, oh I've dropped my fork again. I am dependant on you in these ways. My gift to you is to make you more aware of your great fortune, your healthy back and legs, your ability to do for yourself. Sometimes people appear not to notice me; I always notice them. I feel not so much envy as desire, desire to stand upright, to put one foot in front of the other, to be independent. I give you awareness. I am the child who cannot walk.

I am the child who is mentally impaired. I don't learn easily, if you judge me by the world's measuring stick, what I do know is infinite joy in simple things. I am not burdened as you are with the strifes and conflicts of a more complicated life. My gift to you is to grant you the freedom to enjoy things as a child, to teach you how much your arms around me mean, to give you love. I give you the gift of simplicity. I am the child who is mentally impaired.

I am the disabled child. I am your teacher. If you allow me, I will teach you what is really important in life. I will give you and teach you unconditional love. I gift you with my innocent trust, my dependency upon you. I teach you about how precious this life is and about not taking things for granted. I teach you about forgetting your own needs and desires and dreams. I teach you giving. Most of all I teach you hope and faith. I am the disabled child.

- Author Unknown -

i remember feeling so scared and worried and sad and angry when we found out that William would have special needs and some of those feelings haven't gone away, especially when i have to deal with a night of big seizures or stares in the supermarket or watching him struggle to do something because of his disabilities or his sensory problems. But those times have been greatly outnumbered by the times i sit and stare at him in awe and wonder, amazed at just how much he can do, how far he has come despite severe disabilities and problems (including multiple areas of brain damage, complex epilepsy resulting in numerous daily seizures, cortical visual impairment, global developmental delays and sensory processing disorder). William has learnt to look at, focus on, track and recognise items in normal lighting, despite initially not looking at anything at all, even bright lights in a dark room. He has learnt to tolerate and even enjoy certain foods, despite being so sensory aversive to the feel of anything in his mouth to begin with. He has learnt to reach out and touch things, to begin to use his hands functionally, despite keeping them curled into tight fists for the first few months of his life due again to his sensory aversions. He has learnt to make some sounds and begin to communicate basic emotions, to recognise people close to him, to show likes and dislikes, to begin to interact with the world and understand simple cause and effect actions, despite his brain damage. He has learnt to support his own head pretty well except when tired and is beginning to maintain a better sitting position when his shoulders are held from behind, despite being a very floppy and uncoordinated baby due to his disabilities.

William is my little soldier, a fighter, a warrior, if he wants to achieve something he will, even if it takes him a while. He is fiercely determined to stand up for himself and have things done in the way he wants them and certainly knows how to make his mark on the world. William loves to be snuggled and held, to be close to those he knows and to receive plenty of touch and physical contact. He has the most amazing smile, a gorgeous giggle when he chooses to grace us with it, beautiful deep eyes and a wonderfully expressive face. He is my little miracle and i am thankful everyday to be blessed with a child like William and to be given so much by him, to have my life enriched by him, to learn and grow as a person just through spending time with him. William teaches me what is important in life, what really matters, what my priorities should be. He grounds me, refocuses me and makes me a better person through being his mummy. i would never wish for him to be 'normal' because the person he is is so much more than that. Children like William teach us about love, about hope, about trust, about determination, about courage, about resilience, about faith, about strength, about innocence and most of all about humanity. i wouldn't swap that for the world. Thank - you William for being the amazing little boy that you are and for choosing me to be your mummy.

A post about Finn coming up tomorrow!

** P.S. i have updated 'William's story' which you can read to find out more about him and his disability if you are new to this blog.