a submissive's musings: October 2011

'Spring forward... fall back...'

What did all the UK readers do with their extra hour today? i would like to have had another hour of sleep this morning but the kidlets woke at their usual time (it's hard to explain clocks going back to an energetic 14-month old!). So we decided to spend some snuggle time in bed with all 5 of us instead, watching 'momo' (Elmo) videos while eating breakfast together. It was really lovely and a nice relaxed way to start the day and spend our extra hour and i'm so proud to be the mummy of 3 such gorgeous kiddies and a wife/slave to such a wonderful Sir :)

The Tabak thing

So the British newspapers have been full of the Vincent Tabak story this week - the man who murdered Joanna Yeates in her own flat last Christmas. He has been sentenced to 20 years in jail, which in my opinion isn't long enough for taking someone's life..... but the thing which has upset me most about this whole thing is the way that Tabak's liking for BDSM porn sites has been depicted in the media.

The evidence wasn't allowed to be used during the trial so it didn't affect the verdict of the jury, but afterwards the papers have been full of the fact that Tabak used to visit websites such as 'Sex and Submission' and watch videos, some of which included women having men's hands round their throat during sex. These websites and videos have been described as 'sick', 'depraved', 'perverted', etc. and consequently so has Tabak with the media making much of the fact that this is how he killed his victim. The assumption seems to be that people who view these kinds of BDSM videos are sick in the head and in danger of 'acting out' their 'twisted perversions' by harming or killing an innocent stranger.

Now you and i both know that's far from the truth, but i can't help thinking that this whole case has hardly helped paint the lifestyle in a positive light or done anything to dispel people's prejudices against D/s relationships. If anything it has confirmed their views that people who engage in BDSM practices, or even 'fantasise' about them as in Tabak's case, are not right mentally, are socially inadequate and are a danger to those around them. i (obviously) disagree with this, much the same way i don't see that everyone who plays video games necessarily goes on to re-enact them in real life by going on a shooting spree (though a rare few do).

*Sigh*, i guess i just wish that for once D/s relationships and BDSM in general (even the porn sites) could be depicted in a more positive light in the British media. But i guess we're still quite some way off from that day.

Have you ever felt like there was a day or two where you struggled with your submission, or felt like you werent being as submissive as you could have been?

Of course. i think that's true of anything though - there's days when i feel like i haven't been as 'motherly' as i could have been, as patient as i could have been, as 'housewifey' as i could have been, as productive as i could have been, etc. And there's days i struggle with being a mum, with being a stay-at-home wife, with being responsible for a child with special needs, with being a good friend or sister or daughter or whatever.

i don't think i have more days where i struggle with being submissive or that i struggle with my submission more than i struggle with anything else, but it does feature more prominently in my life so it's something i take very seriously and try my best to work on and do well in and make progress in. And because it's the basis of my relationship with Sir it's something that affects me more when i have difficulties with it than perhaps another aspect of my life might.

i'm not sure whether you asked this question because you sense problems within me related to my submission (especially since William has been born) or you struggle with your own submission at times and feel it's only you. But either way i would say it's natural to have these struggles, that everyone has bad days and that the fact that these struggles affect us (me) shows how committed we are (i am) to our relationships and to being in the lifestyle.

Thanks for your question, anyone else want to ask something?

Ask me anything (250 characters)

So yeah, if you're here to read about the BDSM stuff only you might want to skip this post. Try reading the one i'm going to post later today.....

Still here? Then it's time to boast about my amazing little boys (and Poppy a bit!). We took them to town yesterday to choose their Halloween outfits. Finn was very definite that he wanted this one:

and even tried hard to say the word 'skeleton' (but it comes out more like 'selly'). Talking of talking... Finn's language skills continue to amaze me everyday. Now he is 14 months old he should be using about 7 words correctly in context, but when i counted them the other day he has 42 words he uses recognisably and adds more everyday! He is also a very alert and clever little bean, shown by many examples such as when he suddenly shouted "HOT!" at a man opening an oven door in a kitchen showroom the other day - he wanted to warn the man not to get hurt because he didn't realise the oven wasn't working. Bless him!

Anyway, back to Halloween. We chose this costume for William:

because it's an all-in-one suit which doesn't have anything that goes on the head or the feet, both of which William hates. To be honest, William wasn't really interested in the costumes but he did like lots of the light-up toys which we got some of for him.

Poppy was very excited about getting her costume and determined to be a witch this year, even though i showed her lots of alternative (and cuter in my opinion) costumes. She assures me she will be a 'good' witch and has chosen this costume:

but in black and gold (which for some reason i couldn't find on the website). We also got her some black and gold stripey tights to wear under it and she does look cute with it on. Poppy is super excited about going 'trick-or-treating' with her Daddy again this year and we got her a cauldron-style bucket to collect her goodies in. While Sir and Poppy are gone, me and the boys will be manning the door of our house, giving out sweeties to any trick-or-treaters who might stop by (until the boys fall asleep, that is). And we've already bought plenty of decorations for the house, both outside and in.

Sorry for the slightly erratic nature of this post but my brain seems to be jumping around everywhere at the moment! In other news, William is doing really well with his sitting and i can now leave him propped up with cushions and he will stay sitting there pretty good. And he has so much better control of his head and neck now than he used to. Also he is tolerating food much better, though he will still only eat 7 different things. And he is using his hands much more functionally than before, only curling them into fists when he touches a texture he doesn't like rather than keeping them in fists for the whole time. His vision is so much improved too and he now enjoys watching the leaves blowing on the trees or looking at the cars driving past as he sits in his buggy, things that he wouldn't even have been able to 'see' properly a few months ago. He now receives a weekly session with a speech therapist at the early intervention clinic, on top of his weekly physio, hydrotherapy and group therapy sessions, plus all the daily work i do with him in our sensory room and the various clubs we go to, so i am hopeful that he will continue to improve :).

Finn continues to amaze me everyday with his sheer brilliance, his love of life, his cheeky nature and the way he just picks up new skills out of nowhere and starts using them as if he could always do it! This morning i was surprised by Finn toddling into our bedroom saying "Woo woo?", when i thought he was fast asleep in his cot in his own room. It seems he had woken up, seen William wasn't there (i had brought him into our bed in the middle of the night after a cluster of seizures), figured out how to climb out of his cot and came looking for his brother. Once he found him, Finn promptly climbed into our bed too and sat there "glah"ing at his cleverness and grinning at everyone!

Poppy is absolutely amazing too. She is only 3 1/2 but talks as if she is about 8 or 9! She can read approximately 20 words and is learning to sound out others phonetically (she knows the names and sounds of all the letters of the alphabet), can write her own name independently and copy some other letters under a model, counts to 30 and recognises numbers to 20, colours beautifully, cuts with scissors, paints fantastic pictures, makes up stories, engages in pretend play for hours at a time, knows lots of words and phrases in French, is a beautiful ballet dancer, swims confidently and now wants to learn to ride a bike! It's hard keeping up with her sometimes (and with Finn) but i want to let her try her hand at everything she is interested in and see what her full potential will turn out to be. Poppy is due to start in the Reception class of the local village school next September and we have been offered a part-time place for her at the nursery there after Christmas. After much debating we have decided to take up that place, so Poppy will be starting proper nursery school in January! i am a little nervous but mainly excited and i'm sure her development will surge forward once again as she will have access to some much educational resources and input.

Thanks for reading about my 3 poppets :)

OK, so i know i haven't posted here for a while (anyone ever tried looking after a whirlwind of a 14 month old boy, another 14 month old with disabilities, a very bright 3 year old and a household and a very special Sir as well as finding time to blog?) and i'm apologising in advance that this post isn't going to be an interesting BDSM one but a bit of a rant instead. But i'll try to do some BDSM posts later this weekend.

What this post is about is all those people who come over to us when we're out (me and the boys), i guess because they are fascinated by twins, chat and interact with Finn, try to do the same with William and then turn to me and ask "What's wrong with him?".

There is nothing 'wrong' with William. He is perfect just as he is. To ask what is 'wrong' is to imply that he's 'damaged goods' in some way in contrast to his 'perfect' twin Finn. Yes, William has a disability and i guess what those people are really asking is "What is his condition/specific disability?" but to phrase it as "What's wrong?" seems very clumsy and insensitive to me. So my answer has become "Nothing's wrong with him. What's wrong with you?" which may not be the best way to deal with it, but when i'm tired and stressed it does make me feel a bit better.

Thanks for listening, rant over.

Several times this question has cropped up on this blog: why do i bother going into online BDSM chatrooms when i have a r/l M/s relationship with my Sir? i know i've given some reasons before, but i want to properly answer the question here, giving all my reasons so that hopefully people understand a bit better:

1. friendship - i mainly go into the BDSM chatroom to catch up with my friends. i have made quite a few friends in the room and it's nice to be able to chat with them and find out what's new in their lives. It's a lovely thing to have people interested in my life and my family and supporting me in my achievements and helping me with my problems and stuff.

2. relationships - there are some people in the chatroom who i have formed special relationships with, who i am attracted to, who i love, who i have a deep connection with. It's important for me to continue going there so that i can keep up those relationships, otherwise i would miss those people who are so important to me.

3. advice - in my real-life there's not that many people i can go to for relationship or BDSM advice (except for Sir of course). i don't even feel i can really talk about that stuff with the subs/slaves of Sir's friends because i don't get to see them that often and don't know them well enough to share all my problems. But i know there's enough people in the chatroom for me to be able to get a range of opinions and advice from others who know what i'm going through and can share their own experiences.

4. relaxation - in the evenings when the kiddies are in bed and Sir and i are snuggled up together on the sofa or in bed, i need to find something to occupy myself and help me chill out. i'm not really interested in TV and usually too tired to read, so i choose to chat online instead. i feel like need a bit of 'me' time after being busy with the kids and the house all day.

5. slave needs - due to the fact that we have 3 young children and one of them has significant special needs, there's not that much time for me and Sir to do Master and slave stuff. Sometimes my slave side can feel neglected, not through anyone's fault, but because of the way our life is right now. i can't express my slave side in my interactions with mose people i meet during the day, so being free to be myself and act in a submissive manner in the chatrooms helps to redress that balance and make me feel more at peace.

i hope that helped explain some of the reasons i still visit the online chatrooms. Obviously i'm not there seeking a Dom/me or even looking for some 'play' because i get that in real-life. i will occasionally scene with someone i know well, but that's more due to my relationship with them than to get a need met. And i'm well aware of the difficulties and deceptions which are attached to online friendships, but i think they're worth the risk considering all the benefits i get.

formspring.me #82

Are you still posting to this blog? what's up in your life?

yes i'm still posting here, just not as frequently as i once did. Which isn't surprising i guess, given that we now have a very bright and active 3 year old, a whirlwind of destruction aka a 1 year old and another 1 year old with complex disabilities and medical needs! But i still value and enjoy blogging here when i can.

Are you worried that your kids could find out about your M/s relationship when they're older?
Not really 'worried' because i hope that by the time they do 'find out' (that's if they ever do because i certainly never found out the details of my parents' relationship) they will know enough about us as people and our beliefs and values that they will realise it's a healthy relationship for us, it's what we've both chosen and we're very much in love with each other. We're bringing our children up to learn that there's different types of people in the world who make different choices about all aspects of their lives and they should value those choices so long as they don't harm anyone. So i don't see it being a problem.

Hey libby, you just answered my question....81. By pictures i meant just regular g rated pictures not x rated
Sir's rules apply to all pictures of me as He doesn't want us 'outed' to our friends and families unless and until we are ready to 'out' ourselves. Which is probably never. i'm not sure why pictures of me are so important anyway.

Your rules on sexual use are detailed with regard to your mouth. Does your master treat your mouth, vagina and anus equally or is your mouth of more use to Him?
Sir uses all 3 of my holes and is pretty equal with His use of them. He does go through phases where He tends to use one more than the others, but on a whole it balances out. i think the reason i have more rules regarding my mouth than my vagina or anus is because i have more 'control' when my mouth is being used, so Sir felt it necessary to stipulate His preferences and requirements from the outset on this area so i know what is expected of me. Also i am required to offer/give Him a blowjob everyday, so i guess that's also why there's more rules about my mouth.

What would you have done if your Sir had wanted you to abort William?
This is a really difficult and emotive question and one i have put off answering for a while. In a way it's irrelevant because Sir had no intention of aborting William so the issue never arose and because of the kind of person He is i never thought that He would so it's not something i even had to worry about. But if the situation had arisen that Sir wanted to abort William and i didn't we would have discussed it openly together, including all the reasons for and against and come to a decision together. my rules state that in all decisions to do with the children i have an equal voice, so the fact of Sir being my Master wouldn't have meant i automatically have to go with His decision in this case. And we had Finn to think about too, which would have/ did influence our decision.

What are some good ways to meet Doms?
Go along to a local munch or play party or other BDSM event.
Or start out chatting to people on the internet and take it from there (being aware that lots of people online are not who they say they are).

What does it mean when you put under protection of the Dom?
i think this is primarily an online thing, though i guess it could apply to real-life too, such as at play parties and events. It usually applies to an unattached sub, often someone new and inexperienced who is concerned he/she may be taken advantage of. So a more experienced Dom acts as the Protector and sets certain guidelines for the sub's conduct and anyone interested in the sub would have to go through the Dom. That way the 'bad eggs' can be weeded out and the sub can be prevented from doing anything which may lead them into a difficult or dangerous situation.

Did your Sir really make you poo onto a plate in front of Him for humiliation training? Was it as humiliating as it sounds?
Yes and yes.

Do you and Sir watch porn together? Do you watch porn or enjoy it? What type do you/ you and Sir enjoy?
We rarely watch porn together though sometimes Sir will direct me to a particular photo or video clip online and ask for my comments. i like the Kink.com sites (especially Hogtied and Device Bondage) but don't visit them anymore because they're now illegal in this country under the new porn laws and it's not worth getting caught. Porn isn't a big thing for me or Sir, so we tend to do without it.

hi im chris i have just become involved with a very exp slave i am a fairly new dom she is great and i need to learn more about her and what i need to do to make things work be good to her and her needs need some advice here thanks chris
The first thing i would say is it's difficult to take a Dom seriously when He types without punctuation at all and also i associate small 'i's with subs, but that's just me. i think that many of the same rules apply to vanilla relationships as D/s so imagine what you would do if in a vanilla relationship with someone more experienced and do the same. Having said that it is important for the Dom to take the lead and be in control, so set some rules and requirements for her to follow, ensure she keeps them and give out consequences if not, try to attend some training sessions on aspects of 'play' you want to learn more about and practice them (especially for any implement you may be using) and don't be afraid to get her to teach you. It's difficult for me to answer, being a sub, but that's the best advice i can give (and Sir is too busy for me to ask today).

Your "I had a dream" post was very moving. Did it take you a while to get used to being used anally? Did you train with a plug?
yes it did take a while and it was something i was very nervous and unsure about in the beginning, but now it is something i love. There's something very submissive about being used there, it instantly puts me in a certain headspace which i really like. For details of my anal training please see #46 and #42.

That's all the questions in my formspring account answered for now. Please feel free to ask me more questions (but please read through the previous answers first to check i haven't already answered them - thanks!)

Ask me anything (250 characters)

my sister was due to give birth on October 21st and i have been eagerly awaiting the arrival of my first proper niece/nephew (i am an aunty to Sir's brother's children, but it doesn't feel the same).

But apparently the lil one didn't want to wait until the official due date and i got a phone call yesterday to say that my sister had gone into labour 3 weeks early! i was a bit worried for the baby, but everything went fine and my sister gave birth to a little baby boy at 5:36pm. They have called him Callum and he weighed in at 6lbs 1oz, which isn't bad for coming 3 weeks early! He is mainly fine, just a touch of jaundice which he is being treated for at the hospital, but they reckon he can come home in a few days time and apart from that he is healthy and has no problems despite his premature arrival - i guess he just couldn't wait to see the world!

i went to the hospital to visit last night and he is just gorgeous, so small and sleepy and perfect. He smells delicious and has a cute lil crop of fuzzy hair on his head and lil wrinkled fingers and toes. It almost makes me want another baby myself, but then i returned to the chaos of our house with a mini-Finn-whirlwind and a special lil William and a super-bright-Poppy and realised that i wouldn't have the time, energy or resources to devote to a newborn right now and i'm so lucky with the kidlets that i do have. Going to wait till Callum comes out of hospital, then take the kids to see their new cousin - Poppy is already super excited to meet him!

Welcome to the world, little Callum :)