a submissive's musings: November 2011

formspring.me

Ask me questions about BDSM http://www.formspring.me/libbysub

formspring.me #85

I'm 20 and I'm having a hard time...does it get better? Were you lonely before you met Him? How did you cope?

i think it was different for me because before i met Sir i thought of myself as 'vanilla' (not that i knew that term, but i considered myself 'normal' and not kinky in any way), so i was perfectly happy with 'normal' boyfriends. i just happened to be attracted to men that were older than me and men that were naturally dominant and in control. Once i found out that i had an interest in kinky sex (which is all i thought my interest extended to in the beginning) i met Sir soon after and He led me through my training and discovery in this area and we have been together ever since. So i was one of the lucky ones, i never went through a time of waiting and wishing for my perfect Master to come along, or felt lonely or left out or different. i was never stuck in a vanilla relationship feeling that my needs weren't being met or endlessly searching the web for that one genuine Dom. i'm sorry i can't be of more help but i would say hang in there, do all you can to talk to and meet up with like-minded people so you don't feel so alone and i hope you find what you're looking for soon.

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... to a post on another blog which was obviously directed, at least in part, to me, though it didn't name me. i have been pondering the best way to respond to this post, if at all, and have finally decided to post my response here, quoting from that original blog post but without mentioning any names. Here goes:

Firstly i don't think it is ever a good idea to view your relationship as 'in a league of your own' or to state that your Dom's 'way of doing things is superior to nearly every other Dom/sub relationship out there'. Of course lots of us feel that our Dom is perfect for us, that He does things in a way which is suited to our unique needs and we cannot imagine another Dom being able to do things quite as well. And many/most of us feel that our own D/s relationship is better for us than other such relationships we might read about on the internet. But the crucial points in those sentences are the phrases 'for us' - saying that my D/s relationship is better and more suited to me than any other D/s relationship i have read about and saying that my Sir is a better Dom for me than any other Dom i have met is not the same thing as saying my relationship is in a league of its own or my Dom is superior to others. That just smacks of arrogance, one-upmanship and a complete lack of understanding that every sub is different, every Dom is different and therefore every D/s relationship will be different. What works for one relationship will not work for others, what makes one Dom great would make another not-so-good, what one sub needs another sub hates, and so on. One of the great things about the BDSM community is its tolerance and acceptance of a wide range of practices, beliefs and preferences and i think this openess is important and integral to the lifestyle, so it concerns me to hear someone using words and terms like 'league of our own' and 'superior'.

The post then goes on to list ways in which she believes her Dom to be 'superior' to others, which basically consists of statements saying 'because He does not......'. Again, just because something isn't right for you doesn't make it not right for others and certainly doesn't make your Dom superior to those who do carry out those practices. Some of the things listed are 'my Dom doesn't control every single facet of my life' (that's to do with the sub/slave thing, with whether you agree to hand over control of all of your life as a slave or whether you negotiate to retain control of certain parts of it as a sub), 'my Dom doesn't debase me' (humiliation and forms of debasement are an important part of some D/s and M/s relationships - you specifically mention my rule about leaving the bathroom door open when i am in there, which is something that works for me and my Sir, but yet you see it in a very negative way), 'my Dom allows me to have a job if i want one' (again this is to do with levels of control and doesn't at all make your Dom better or superior to those who have stay-at-home subs or slaves) and so on. Comments are made which start off with 'all it will gain the Dom that requires it is a sub that rebels.....', 'there is one thing that will make a woman submit faster and that is.......', 'there is no long-term future in any Dom/sub relationship where....', 'a Dom that.... is a Dom that doesn't deserve to be a Dom'. What you should have put is 'all it will gain the Dom that requires it of me is that i will rebel...', 'there is one thing that will make me submit faster and that is....', 'there is no long-term future in any relationship for me where...' and 'a Dom that..... is a Dom that isn't right to be my Dom' - what you are doing is taking your needs and preferences and projecting them onto each and every D/s relationship out there and any dynamic that doesn't follow exactly your ways is seen as inferior and not as good as yours. BDSM is not a cookie-cutter, one size fits all thing and to see it that way and to write about it with such clear contempt and disdain for other people's interpretation of the lifestyle does none of us any favours.

Thanks for reading, have a nice day.

Master Dream's precious treasure very kindly nominated me for a VBA (Virtual Blogger Award)!! Here's the rules of how to participate:

1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Pass this award along to 15 blogs you enjoy reading.

4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

OK, here goes!

Obviously i would like to thank MD's treasure for nominating me. She has a great blog herself, which is on my reading list in my sidebar: here. When she nominated me she wrote:

"libby is a blast to read! She's candid and upfront about everything she believes in! She's a slave living with her husband and three kids and her blog is anything but boring! There are struggles and many triumphs and as a reader you're drawn in like one of the family very quickly. i love to read this blog!"

Awwww, thank-you, that was very kind :) Now for the 7 things about myself (and i'm going to try to make sure they're things i haven't already included on this blog):

1. When i was little i broke my sister's thumb by shutting it in a door-jamb (accidently).

2. i am addicted to sponges (bath sponges, car sponges, etc) - i love to make them damp and then sniff them.

3. i like to sit on the loo and ponder things; sometimes i can be in there for quite a while and lose track of time! But i seem to do my best thinking in the bathroom.

4. i can be relaxed just by watching 'spa' videos on YouTube (e.g. massages, hair treatments, pedicures, etc).

5. my favourite song is 'Dancing in the Moonlight' by Toploader, because it is such a happy song.

6. i love buying 'knick knacks' for the house; my dream is to fill it with souvenirs from every part of the world.

7. i feel like some of the friends i have made online are closer to me than some of my 'real' friends are and they certainly know more about me!

i'm going to be a bit naughty and not nominate anyone else for the award because i think most of the people i would want to pass it on to have already had it. But if your blog is on my sidebar and you haven't received this award yet, consider yourself nominated!

Those of you who keep up with these things will know that i've had 'cumming on demand' in my current training list for a while now. It's something that Sir started teaching me a long time ago and has continued to work on gradually, hoping to eventually attain the state where He can make me cum at any time just by telling me to.

When He first explained the training and expected outcome to me, i was sceptical, wondering if it was possible for anyone to get to the point where they could be made to orgasm just because their Master commanded it. After all, us women are fussy little creatures and some of us can find it hard to cum anyway, needing just the right stimulation in just the right spot for just the right amount of time in order to achieve it. i'm not as bad as that and normally i can cum pretty easily, but i do require some form of stimulation down there to make it happen.

Having said all that, there had been some progress in this training - i was able to cum on demand a few minutes after stimulation had ceased, and i was also able to cum on demand when i was feeling 'not quite there yet'. Sir has worked on both these areas and i am now much more consistent with them, and also He has gradually got me to the point where the amount of stimulation i need before He gives the command is quite a bit less than it used to be.

But.... it seems that is as far as i can go with this training. Sir has tried for months and months now to push it a little further each time, to get me slowly towards the point where i can cum from no stimulation at all. And whilst the mind is willing, it seems the body is not. There's a level of stimulation which i can't get beyond, where if He gives me less than that my body just won't obey the command to cum. So Sir has now declared this particular training 'finished' even though i have not 'passed' it. He hasn't used the word 'failed' because He says He is pleased with my efforts and there has been some success in the outcome, but i know He was hoping for more and it does make me feel like i have let Him down and failed Him to some extent.

Some people reading here are probably thinking that it was an impossible task and nobody can actually achieve true cumming on demand. But i have talked to other subs online who can do it (and they can do it just by reading the command on screen, since they live apart from their Masters) and Sir has successfully taught one of His previous subs to be able to do it. i guess it's one of those things which is possible for some people but not for everyone. But that still doesn't make me feel any better about it.

So today i am a bit of a failure.

A couple of quick questions from my formspring account:

What is the age-difference between you and your Master?

13 and a bit years - Sir was 45 in February, i was 32 in August. But to be honest i don't really notice the age difference, and i think it would be weird to have a Master younger than me (for me personally, though i think it could work for some couples). Also i have always been drawn to men older than me, so it makes sense for me.

Do you have an email? or somewhere i can write you?
Sir's email is linked to the top of this blog: sir.peter@hotmail.co.uk
Sir passes all the emails about this blog onto me and allows me to reply to most of them and to send my email address onto some of them. He doesn't let me put my own email address on this blog because of all the trolls! i always like getting emails from blog readers, as well as comments and formspring questions.

That's all the questions in my account answered now, but please feel free to send me some more:

Ask me anything (250 characters)