a submissive's musings: March 2012

A real milestone

Some great news.... after months of hard work, physio exercises, daily practise and some tears little William can now sit completely unsupported!! So far he can do this for about a minute or so before toppling over (i keep pillows around him but not touching him), but i am just so proud of him and really hopeful that this new achievement will enable him to use his hands in new ways and that he will be able to access some different toys and equipment now he can sit.

William is very pleased with himself and gives a big beaming smile everytime he sits by himself, but we haven't been overdoing it as i don't want to tire him out. And of course he has been receiving lots of praise and encouragement from me, Sir and Poppy. But the person who is most proud of this achievement is little Finn. He is almost beside himself with joy at his brother's new skill and has literally been jumping up and down shouting "Goo'boy Wills!" over and over, which made William giggle (and of course topple over). i just love the connection between the two of them, it makes it very special for both boys.

Thanks for listening to my news, have a great weekend :)

** Thought i should add that William is 19 1/2 months old, incase anyone wants to know how old he was when he achieved this skill.

When it gets tough...

The brilliant titty/schiava posted on her blog recently:

"Submission is not an emotion. It is a choice."

This really resonated with me and got me thinking about how important it is that i push through the difficult times and continue to submit and serve as gracefully and obediently as i can because it's not about how i feel, it's about how i act. i vowed to obey and serve my Sir in all things, at all times, when i made that one-time choice to become His slave. So, just as in marriage i have pledged myself to Him for better or worse, etc, etc, as His slave i have also pledged to continue serving Him even when i'm tired and grumpy and down and don't feel like it.

my submission is not about how i feel. It's not something to be done just when i'm in the mood for it or only for those acts which make me feel a certain way. It's not all about getting my needs met or only doing things which benefit me. It's not about only doing things that i like and avoiding everything else. For me submission is about doing the boring and mundane things too, serving Sir in all aspects of our lives without needing to be told to, obeying each command without question, forcing myself to do things which are difficult or painful or uncomfortable or embarrassing or scary because He wants me to, submitting even when i don't feel like it or don't want to.

Because what it boils down to is this: my submission is my actions, not my feelings. And you know what? The times that i submit even though i don't want to, the orders i obey which are the most difficult for me, the occasions when i put my own feelings to one side in order to focus on the happiness and well-being of my Sir... those are the times when i truly submit, when i am most His slave and when i grow most in our relationship. Because nobody ever said this would be easy, but they did say it would be worth it, and they were right.

So it feels like life has really bitten me on the bum the past couple of weeks and i'm doing the best i can just to stay afloat and juggle everything (too many metaphors but oh well). When i looked at my blog this morning i realised i haven't posted for a couple of weeks but as my brain is still pretty scrambled from being sick this week i haven't got a 'proper' post ready so i figured i'd do an update post and then write a proper one later in the week when (if) i get the time and energy.

- Finn still has boundless energy and is forever getting himself into scrapes, but he remains very sweet and cheeky and lovable with it and is such a happy little guy. i had a meeting with the leader of his room at nursery and she basically told me not to worry about it too much as they are coping with him just fine. They've been making sure to give him plenty of opportunity for physical exercise while he's there and he does seem to be coming home a little less whirlwind-like in the afternoons, which helps when we go out to our various clubs and groups. So far i haven't looked into investigating his diet or trying him on weak tea to see if either of those will have an effect but i do plan to - when i can devote enough time and energy to it. So for now Finn remains the same as before.

- William is still having the sudden rages, but not so often and he had a couple of days this week where he was really calm and alert and actively tried to participate in some of his ABA therapy stuff, which is great news. The therapist says it is still early days yet and he is doing fine, so i'm not too worried. And his sitting balance seems to be improving all the time so i am hopeful that he may even learn to sit on his own by his birthday, but we'll see..... As with everything, William has to be given plenty of time to do things to his own schedule and there's no point stressing myself about arbitrary dates and deadlines. Still not much joy from the intensive interaction stuff i've been doing with him either, but again it's a 'softly softly catchee monkey' approach that works best with William so it will take time and effort for even small results.

- Poppy has really taken off since joining 'proper' nursery (the one attached to the school she will go to in September). Her reading and writing and maths skills are just amazing now and well advanced for her age and she can draw and paint recognisable pictures with quite a lot of detail now. She loves going to nursery each day and has lots of friends there, plus she really enjoys her French classes and ballet lessons and is busy practising riding her bike at any opportunity she can get. Also she spends quite a bit of time learning on her new kiddie iPad and it's amazing some of the things she picks up from it and some of the questions she asks! For her upcoming birthday in May we are looking at taking her to a child-friendly ballet which we think she would just love, but not sure what to do about the boys as they would likely get fractious.

- We are in the process of redecorating the house and getting new furniture and accessories, which is something i just love to do. Today we're off to choose the paint and wallpaper and then next weekend we're going to be busy decorating. i'm thinking purple with a feature wall in the lounge, leaf green for the dining room, duck egg blue for our bedroom, nautical stripes in the bathroom and then we're also looking at moving the kidlets to different bedrooms and redecorating those. It makes me feel very spring-like to be doing all these changes to the house and i love hunting out the perfect accessories for each room.

- We're also looking at booking a week or two away in the summer with the kids, this time a bit further afield than last year but still within the UK. Somewhere nice and sunny with a beach, plenty to do outdoors and entertainment for the kids would be great so we're currently looking into Cornwall, Norfolk or perhaps a Centre Parks. This time we're definitely going somewhere with a hotel or at least a restaurant, so i don't have to do the cooking and cleaning. We haven't decided whether to be away for the boys' birthdays again this year or whether to do a joint party for them instead, i guess we'll see nearer the time.

- In other news, my sister is pregnant again with her second baby. i thought it was too soon after Callum when she first told me (he is now coming up for 6 months old) and her new baby will be due around his first birthday, but she and her boyfriend seem very happy and she is coping fine with the pregnancy so far so now i'm getting excited for her and can't wait to meet the new little one. They're hoping for a girl this time, but won't find out what it is until it's born. Possible names include Isobel for a girl and Oliver for a boy. It's making me a bit broody for another little one, but i know there's no way i could deal with a pregnancy right now, let alone the demands of caring for another baby, i've already got enough on my plate with my 3 gorgeous but very individual (and needy in their own ways) children.

i think that's all the news for now but feel free to ask questions if i've left anything out. And if you managed to read this far thanks for being interested in the more mundane aspects of my life!

At last it's the weekend! This week feels like it has gone on forever and been very tiring as a result. Both William and Finn have started to exhibit new and challenging behaviours this week, which coupled with trying to adjust to the new schedules of William's therapies, Finn's nursery sessions and the various clubs and groups we go to, has made for a very tired libby. While i wouldn't swap my twins for the world, i am a little concerned about the things which have happened this week:

William:
Although this is only the second week of William's new therapy schedule and i know it's still very early days i had hoped that he would be more settled with it than he was last week and would at least be looking at and trying to do some of the ABA tasks for himself. But he has varied from completely passive, sitting there like a rock while the therapist manipulates his hands to do the task for him, to having these sudden rages which come out of nowhere and involve him screaming, throwing himself around, head-banging and head-butting, swiping away everything put in front of him and scratching, clawing and digging his nails into the nearest person. William has never been aggressive to himself or to others before, so these new behaviours are quite frightening to watch and also very worrying for his future as i know that autistic children with self-harming and aggressive behaviours can be the most challenging to educate and to parent. i'm not saying that the ABA or the new therapy schedule has caused these behaviours, but i am worried that they may be making them worse in some way, so i'm going to keep monitoring it and see.

Having said that, the behaviours aren't just occuring when William is in therapy or when something is being demanded of him. A few times this week and a couple of times last week they came out of the blue when he was otherwise engaged in an activity he would normally enjoy or when he was being left to his own devices. So that makes me think it is more to do with him and his disabilities and conditions rather than the changes to his therapy timetable. Still, i can't help being a little disappointed that the ABA hasn't taken off yet in the way that i hoped and dreamed it might, especially as we are paying £125 a week for the therapy and have had to invest quite a bit of money in buying all the resources to set it up in the first place. And it takes up a significant part of the day, is a big commitment for us as a family and has necessitated sending Finn to nursery every morning, which also costs money and is something i otherwise wouldn't have done.

The other new therapy i have introduced, the 'floor-time' or 'intensive interaction', is also going fairly slowly, with William remaining fairly passive during it so far, difficult to engage and not showing any signs of realising that i am copying, joining in with and attempting to extend his movements and vocalisations during these times. Or maybe he is aware but just doesn't want to play along with the game. Still i'm going to persevere because i've heard great things about both these therapies and it gives me time to spend with William just letting him do what he wants to do, allowing him to set the pace and it's also a good chance to observe him and see what new things (if any) he is doing on a day-to-day basis.

The only other difficulty with this intensive therapy schedule we have drawn up is what to do if William's seizures are bad on a particular day. Do we press ahead with the therapies anyway (impossible if he is asleep recovering from a big seizure or a cluster of seizures), do we try to reschedule and juggle the therapies around (difficult when people are booked to come at specific times and can't change it) or do we drop some of the therapies for that day (frustrating, especially when we still have to pay for them)? It's not a question i have any answers for just yet.

Finn:
Finn has also been worrying me this week with some of the things he has been doing. Whilst he remains a bright, inquisitive, happy little chap, he has started doing the following:

- climbing - up till now Finn had only climbed out of his cot (which we promptly solved by moving him to a big-boy-bed) but now he is trying to climb everything. This week i have found him scaling the curtains, walking along the kitchen worktops, running across table tops, trying to get over the garden fence, halfway up the bookshelves, standing on top of the toilet (with the lid down) and attempting to get onto the windowsill in his bedroom. So far he hasn't hurt himself in these climbing escapades but i am worried that it will only be a matter of time, particularly as he doesn't seem to have any fear of heights at all and will run around as normal no matter how high up he is.

- jumping (aka throwing himself off of things) - Finn doesn't jump in the normal manner yet but he has taken a liking to 'jump jump' as he calls it, which basically involves throwing himself off anything he can think off (the sofa, a chair, the stairs, his bed, the door step, the trampoline). Unfortunately he doesn't seem to want to land on his feet so any random part of his body hits the floor first and he doesn't check out the landing site before he 'jumps' so he quite often throws himself onto a hard surface littered with various hard toys. Again we've managed to avoid serious injury so far, though he is now covered in bruises, but i'm scared he's going to really hurt himself doing this.

- wedging himself in - this week Finn has also discovered the joys of attempting to wedge his body into small spaces. His favourites so far include under the sofa, in cupboards, in drawers, through the spaces in the bannisters, through railings in the park and into the gap between the garden shed and the fence. i'm not really sure what the thrill is, but Finn certainly seems impressed with this new game judging by the happy "glah!"ing which ensues if he manages to wedge himself into a new spot. The tighter the better it seems and half the time he has no plan of how to get himself out again, but that hasn't deterred our little adventurer one little bit, even when i've had to use butter to try to ease him out of a tricky spot.

- putting things in places they don't belong - Finn has always had an inclination for tipping things out and piling things up in huge heaps all over the house, but recently he has extended this activity to also include throwing objects down the toilet or into the sink or into the bin and posting things into slots such as the video recorder, DVD drive or printer (including a slice of toast and jam). Hence much mess, soggy items and sticky electrical devices and one mangled credit card which had to be cancelled and replaced.

- ripping/tearing things - another new behaviour which seemingly evolved out of nowhere, Finn has now taken to ripping up anything he is able to, such as the newspaper, letters which come through the door, shopping lists, memos stuck on the fridge, magazines, comics, pictures drawn by Poppy, toilet roll, the box of tissues and food packaging. Once ripped up he just scatters the pieces and wanders off, so i think it's the actual process of tearing that he is enjoying.

Nursery also report that he is quite a handful and has been indulging in several of these behaviours there, which concerns me and makes me feel guilty for the staff who have to look after him. They tell me they're quite used to boisterous children, but that Finn seems to have extra energy and ingenuity in thinking up new mischief to get into. Also he seems to be getting more and more impulsive and hyper, always on the go and not able to sit still for any length of time. i've been noticing that infact he never is still, even when he's sitting or laying down (which isn't often) there's always at least one part of his body constantly moving in a repetitive motion, almost like a tic but i think it's something he's doing deliberately to try to keep himself in that one place without needing to be rushing off somewhere. i'm thinking about investigating his diet to see if cutting out a particular food type might help with the hyperness, but to be honest he eats pretty well and doesn't have that much 'junk' containing artificial stuff anyway. Perhaps when he is a bit older i might take him to the doctor to get him assessed, but for now we'll just have to deal with our mini whirlwind the best we can. Good job he is so loveable with it!