a submissive's musings

i'm embarrassed, but i shouldn't be.....

2012-01-22T09:27:00.002Z

i went to the doctor this week to talk to him about some symptoms i've been having for a while now. i pretty much knew what the likely diagnosis was and i was right, but since he has confirmed what i am suffering from i have found it difficult to talk about with anyone except Sir. i am embarrassed to have this condition, even though it's a common one, there's nothing i can do about it and it's not my fault.....

i have Irritable Bowel Syndrome - "IBS-A" (more info here if you want it). The doctor has sent me away to keep a detailed food and drink diary plus a diary of all my symptoms over the next 2 weeks to see if there is any link between the two. Then he may trial me on one or more of the treatments available (probably peppermint oil capsules first) to see if any of them help. And he has recommended i get 30mins of gentle exercise each day (walking, swimming, etc), try using probiotic yoghurts and try to keep as stress-free as possible, including having alternative therapies to help me relax if needed.

So that's my news, i'll keep you updated as and when i find out more about my particular version of this condition.

A Finn escapade

2012-01-21T19:50:00.000Z

Today i had one of those moments where i suddenly realised that Finn was very quiet and had been for quite some time......

after a brief search for him i find him in the kids' downstairs playroom and as he hears me come in he looks up with guilt all over his face.......

turns out that little Finn has found a bottle of hand lotion and decided to experiment with what happens when you squirt and smear it all over the laminate flooring and all over the walls......

cue much "glah"ing whilst said activity is taking place but a silent Finn as soon as he is discovered, followed by a cute little head tilt and an offering of the nearly-empty bottle to me with one of his newest phrases: "wannit?" (want it), which is what he says when offering things to people which he now does numerous times each day.

Very cute but very messy and mischevious - sums up Finn all over!

2012 - looking forward

2012-01-15T14:37:00.004Z

A little late i know, but i'm easing myself into the new year gradually, trying not to make the same mistakes as previous years by setting myself difficult resolutions and throwing myself into things too fast and tiring myself out and getting really stressed. But i am looking forward to this year and i have a feeling that it's going to be a busy but productive year and that most of it is going to be enjoyable. So here's a list of things i would like to achieve or have happen this year:

- help my sister celebrate her 30th birthday in style
- enjoy going to the Olympics
- take the kidlets away on a summer holiday
- progress in my training to Sir
- help Poppy start 'big school' and enjoy it and learn lots
- send Finn to nursery part-time
- continue with and add to William's therapies
- redecorate our bedroom
- get a new three-piece suite for the lounge
- read some books and increase my knowledge
- do more with the garden
- see several films at the cinema
- teach William to sit independently
- teach Finn not to make so much mess
- teach Poppy basic money and time
- get spa treatments regularly to recharge my batteries when needed
- be more patient with 'stupid' questions about William from members of the public
- spend more time with baby Callum
- meet and get support from a bigger group of mummies with special needs kiddies
- scene more in the P&H channel

Not going to go into any more details yet, but as and when i work on or achieve these targets i will expand on each of them at the time. BTW, i am aware that the deadline for my 101 list has expired but i have decided to continue to work on them and will announce here when i have met them all

formspring.me #86

2012-01-08T13:03:00.001Z

My husband and I are looking to add some light BDSM to our sex life. Do you have any website suggestions were we can learn proper and safe techniques for spanking and bondage?

Try these:http://www.bcwsd.com/backroom/library/articles_us/bkurs01.htm
http://www.seekers.org.uk/http://www.leathernroses.com/http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/http://bdsmforbeginners.blogspot.com/

Anyone else have suggestions?

Ask me anything (250 characters)

So... Disneyland

2012-01-07T18:46:00.001Z

The past week seems to have gone by very quickly since we got back from Disneyland so i haven't had a chance to post and tell everyone how it went, but am finally grabbing some blogging time now to update everyone!

For those who don't know, we took all 3 kids to Disneyland Paris for new year, staying there 3 nights, 4 days from 30th Dec to 2nd Jan. The journey there was fine, the Eurostar service was great and the kids were all given special Disney kids packs though William wasn't at all interested in his and it only occupied Finn until we got on the actual train! But Poppy spent most of the journey there colouring in the pictures and talking about what she could see in the pack so that was useful for her. For the boys i took along some of their favourite toys and books and they were kept entertained (William even had a little nap on the train which was good). We had booked the Disney Express service so the Disney staff came and found us on the train and gave us all our tickets and hotel information plus we handed over our cases at the train station on arrival so we could get straight into the park - that was brilliant as the kids were raring to go by then!

The rides and shows and parades in the 2 parks (there's a Walt Disney Studios Park there too) were every bit as good as promised and the kidlets had an absolutely fantastic time. i'll detail each kid's favourite rides and moments and souvenirs a bit later. We got to go on all the rides we wanted to without queuing too much due to William being given a disabled pass which meant we could skip the queue and board each ride from the disabled entrance if it was a ride he was going on. For rides which Finn and/or Poppy wanted to go on without William, we got fastpasses to minimise the queuing and they were kept entertained by the music as they waited so that was fine. Sir and i did get to go on some of the adult rides by getting a fastpass and going on by ourselves while the other person looked after the kids, but to be honest i enjoyed the rides we went on as a family the most. The food was good, we ate in a variety of places and Finn and Poppy had plenty of choice - we took our own food for William due to his fussiness.

The Cheyenne hotel we stayed in was nice, we had a good-sized family room with a double bed for me and Sir, bunk beds for Poppy and Finn and a cot for William. Finn really liked the cowboy/Western theming too and there were saddles on stools for the kids to sit on, a DVD area for them and characters who popped in for meet and greet sessions each morning. Breakfast was included and it was a buffet-style which suited us well, we could fill up and find stuff that everyone liked and we actually managed to make it to the parks before the official opening time each day so that we got to go on the rides before the queues built up too much (a special perk for guests staying onsite). We managed to see quite a lot of the characters wandering round the parks and got to greet them without waiting for too long, thanks again to flashing William's disability pass at the staff members. Poppy took her princess dress and insisted on wearing it the first day, though she got cold even with thick clothes underneath so was happy not to wear it after that. But she did get to meet lots of the princesses and have her photo taken with them so she was a happy girl.

We saw all the main shows and parades - Mickey's Winter Wonderland show which was an ice-skating singing and dancing one with lots of characters, Princess Aurora's Christmas Wish (just for Poppy), Mickey's Magical Celebration with Merlin the wizard, the Christmas tree lighting ceremony, Disney Dance Express which popped up at random moments and got everyone dancing along the streets, the main Disney parade, Fantillusion the after-dark parade with lit-up floats, Cars and Stars parade in the Studios park, Stitch Live show and Sir and Poppy went to see the New Year's Eve fireworks over the castle (i was in bed with the boys by then). Also we'd booked tickets to see Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show on New Year's Eve which was fantastic - lots of horses, cows, bison, cowboys, lassooing, tricks, competitions, lots of fun and the kids loved the atmosphere and it came with a nice dinner and unlimited drinks. We got good spots for all the shows and parades, lots of them had a special reserved area for disabled guests so we made the most of that and the kids really enjoyed them all as did Sir and i!

Now onto each kid's favourites:

William - William's favourite rides were 'It's a small World' because of the music and singing and lots of colourful characters, 'Mad Hatters Teacups' because he loved the spinning motion, and the 'Slinky Dog' kids rollercoaster in the new Toy Story part of the Studios Park. i have a lovely photo of William meeting Mickey Mouse, where Mickey has bent down over William in his buggy and William is reaching up to tap his nose, though not all the character meetings went so smoothly - Santa Goofy patted him on the head and made him scream in protest! William loved all of the shops because of the bright colours and lots of things to look at, but wasn't interested in any of the soft toys - instead his favourite souvenirs are a light-up spinning Buzz Lightyear toy, a flashing Mickey Mouse keyfob and a book which has buttons to press to make noises and play music. William was a very alert and happy little man for the vast majority of the time we were there, taking in all the sights and colours and music. He loved all the shows and all the parades, especially the after-dark one because of all the pretty lights on the floats. And his seizures were at a minimum the whole time we were there, which was a blessing. He did get a little cranky on the journey back and had a grumpy day a couple of days after we returned, but on the whole i think it was a very positive experience for him and very stimulating for him in a good way, giving him lots of sensory experiences and opportunities to practise using his improved vision. And he didn't get overwhelmed by the crowds like i worried he might do, so it was all good.

Finn - Finn had many favourite rides: 'The Disney Railroad' because it was a train, 'Casey Junior Circus train' for the same reason, 'Autopia' and 'Cars Race Rally' because he could 'drive' a car, 'Pirates of the Caribbean' because of the boat and the music, 'Dumbo' because he could fly in an elephant, but his absolute favourite ride of all was 'Buzz Lightyear Lazer Blast' - he found it hilarious to zap the targets with his lazer gun with Sir's help and of course he fell in love with Buzz and Woody from Toy Story and had to get a Woody costume, Buzz and Woody toys and a lazer gun of his own to zap people walking past his buggy as well as several other toys! Finn also loved lots of the shows, especially the Cars and Stars one, the main Disney parade and the Stitch Live Show. He chose the Ratatouille character for his soft toy, maybe because we watched some of the film on TV on Christmas day, called it "rat rat" and cuddled it in his buggy the whole time we were there and in bed since getting home. He surprised us all by suddenly saying "fankoo" for the first time ever when i handed him his "rat rat" toy after paying for it, perhaps because Poppy had just said it when receiving her toy. And he got super-excited when he spotted the Ratatouille character meeting and greeting people in the Studios park, almost couldn't contain himself when waiting for his turn and then ran over and gave him a great big hug shouting "rat rat!" when beckoned over - another super cute photo! Finn was very good in the shops, not wanting everything like i thought he might but being content when told he could choose one thing. He thoroughly enjoyed himself and keeps wanting to look at the photos on the iPad since we have returned - a real pleasure to go on holiday with.

Poppy - Poppy loved Sleeping Beauty's Castle of course, but wasn't quite brave enough to visit the dragon underneath, especially after watching Finn go bounding in all confidently and then come out yelling a few seconds later! Her favourite rides were: 'Dumbo', 'Sir Lancelot's carousel' a traditional horses carousel ride, 'It's a small world', 'Slinky Dog', 'Peter Pan's Flight' and the 'Flying Carpets' ride. She wanted to go on the 'Snow White' ride but then got scared by the wicked witch so wouldn't go on again. Poppy absolutely loved meeting all the princesses and chatted their ears off when it was her turn to sit with them! She also persuaded Belle to dance with her and i have a lovely picture of the two of them dancing together. Poppy loved all of the shows, especially the ice-skating one and the parades with the princesses on the floats. And she was amazed by the horses at Buffalo Bill's show. Poppy wanted lots of the souvenirs in the shops but was happy to choose between them, especially when told we would be back another day - she is now the proud owner of a princess colouring book, a set of princess dolls with accessories, some Minnie Mouse ears on a headband, a Mr Potato Head with parts she chose herself (like a 'pick and mix' counter), a Mickey Mouse soft toy and lots of other things too. Poppy was very well-behaved, very patient, very kind to her brothers, said 'thank you' for everything and was a delight to have with us.

**Edited to add my favourite moments and rides i went on without the kids:
- Big Thunder Mountain (which Finn was disappointed he was too small to go on but enjoyed waving as the train went past), Phantom Manor, Space Mountain, Star Tours, Rock N Roller Coaster, Tower of Terror, Armageddon, Studio Tram Tours, Crush's Coaster
- i loved seeing the look on the kids' faces when the lamposts in Main Street started twinkling and the fake snow came down - it was magic :)
- eating at the Rainforest Cafe the first evening was fantastic and all the kids were mesmerised by the decor - we were sat right by the large elephant which was moving and making noises the whole time and every 20mins or so there was a 'thunderstorm', the food was nice too!
- seeing the kids interact with the characters
- all the Christmas decorations, music and special shows and parades - even though we went after Christmas i was still in the holiday mode and it made things more special
- the Fantillusion parade
- the Buffalo Bill show (we had front row seats)
- seeing the kids' excitement when Santa brought up the rear of the parade - Finn was yelling "Sanny!" so loudly!
- the delicious traditional sweets and fantastic cakes, pastries and fudge sold in one of the shops along Main Street - i had lots of treats from there :)
- all the lovely photos we took of our special holiday to keep as memories forever.

All in all a great holiday and a lovely start to the new year.

Survey of the year 2011

2011-12-29T15:36:00.001Z

Getting a couple of posts in before we go away to Disneyland tomorrow, so here's the now traditional survey of this year:

1. What did you do this year that you've never done before?

built and used a sensory room in the loft, gave injections to my baby, wore a clit clip, demo-subbed for a product stand at a play party, held a birthday party at the sealife centre with 12 kids, had sex outdoors.... many things!

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

i purposefully didn't make any this year and feel much freer because of it, so not planning to make any for next year unless Sir tells me to.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth this year?

my sister gave birth to a little boy called Callum and he is gorgeous :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?

my nan did and it was sad, but she had a good life (she was 100).

5. What countries did you visit this year?

we are just about to visit France (Disneyland Paris), right at the end of the year!

6. What would you like to have in the next year that you lacked this year?

i honestly can't think of anything, though i am really looking forward to going to the London Olympics in August next year, so that should be good :)

7. What date from this year will remain etched upon your memory and why?

30th September - the date my sister gave birth (early) to her first baby.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

learning to tolerate the single-tail whip being used on me without panicking.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?

nothing beyond the usual colds, i've been quite healthy this year.

10. What did you get really, really, really excited about this year?

my sister's baby being born and our trip to Disneyland Paris.

11. What song will always remind you of this year?

can't really think of one, though the Sesame Street theme tune will serve to remind me of Finn's obsession with Elmo this year!

12. Compared to this time last year are you:- happier or sadder? :- richer or poorer? :- thinner or fatter?

happier (a little) because i am more accepting of William's disability and can see the fantastic progress he has managed to make, about the same financially and about the same weight wise though probably a little thinner as i have got rid of the baby weight from last year.

13. What do you wish you'd done more of?

been more patient with people making annoying comments about William - i'll try to work on this next year.

14. What do you wish you'd done less of?

falling asleep while using the laptop in the evenings - i'm going to get myself in trouble about it one of these days.

15. Did you fall in love this year?

i am already in love and that has continued to grow.

16. What was your favourite TV program for the year?

again, i haven't watched much TV this year but i have enjoyed 'Miranda', 'Outnumbered' and 'An idiot abroad' on the internet, as well as Big Brother.

17. What was the best book you read this year?

i don't think i had time to read a single book this year :(, too busy with the kids. Maybe next year?

18. What was your favourite film of the year?

Arthur Christmas, not because it was an amazing film but because it was the first one i have taken the twins to see at the cinema and they were so well-behaved and it got me in the Christmas spirit.

19. Who was the best new person you met this year?

moly (from the chatroom).

20. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned for this year?

that sometimes i won't be able to achieve everything Sir wants me to in my training, but so long as i try my best He'll still be pleased with me.

Our family Christmas

2011-12-27T09:15:00.000Z

Just a quick post to say that we all had a great Christmas. Thank you to everyone who sent messages or emails with Christmas wishes and a special thank you to one friend and blog reader who sent a voucher which will be spent on the kidlets soon!

Christmas Day itself we'd decided to spend together at home, just the 5 of us and it was a lovely day. Poppy and Finn were very excited the night before, culminating in Finn pulling his stocking down and wearing it on his head like a Wee Willy Winky hat, running round the house squealing..... but we did manage to get everyone settled down in bed and asleep at a reasonable time! Finn was the first awake in the morning and came toddling through dragging both his and William's stockings with him, shouting "Sanny! Sanny!" (Santa) so very soon after that all 3 kidlets were in our bed opening their presents from Santa - we give them a stocking of smaller gifts and a sack of larger gifts from Santa and then we save other presents under the tree from family to be opened after dinner. Poppy got the bike she wanted from Santa and was a very happy girl, Finn got a drumming Elmo and a cookie-counting Cookie Monster and was beside himself with delight and William got plenty of sensory toys and was happily learning how to play with them as i went downstairs to sort out the breakfast.

We watched some Christmas movies together in the morning and the kids played with their new toys some more (and Poppy tried out her bike down the driveway - it has stabilisers so she can ride it by herself, we'll remove those as she gets older). me and Sir had agreed to share the cooking this year and i wrote a schedule of when everything needed to be done, so it worked out really well and we didn't forget anything. Dinner was very tasty, there was plenty of it and all 3 kids ate some of it, even William ate the mashed potatoes mixed with a little gravy. Though we did have one moment in the middle of dinner when Finn suddenly took a dislike to his brussel sprouts and threw them at the wall shouting "Noooooo!", so had to have a couple of minutes calming-down time in the lounge while we got the wall cleaned up and then explained to him that that's not what we do with food we don't like! After dinner we sat round the Christmas tree to open more presents and this is when Sir and i exchanged gifts too. i got lots and lots of lovely things this year - spa vouchers, bath stuff, smellies, perfume, jewellery, clothes, DVDs, books, bags, shoes, nail polish, things to keep me warm in bed.... and Sir was very pleased with the presents He got too. The kids were thoroughly spoiled and got more toys than they knew what to do with and everyone went to bed that night full and tired and content :)

Yesterday (Boxing Day) we had my parents and Sir's mum round for lunch and the kidlets got even more presents, though William had had enough by then and we had to give him some quiet time in the sensory room to chill out for a bit. But leaving aside all the presents and food, what really made Christmas great for us this year was spending it together as a family, being with those we love, seeing the children so happy and content, playing together and appreciating how lucky we are to have each other. And as i sat there watching the kids playing and interacting with each other, i realised just how much each one of them has grown and progressed in the past year, in their own ways, and it made me really look forward to 2012 to see everything they are going to achieve next year. And of course i'm super excited about taking them to Disneyland (Paris) at the end of this week!

i hope everyone else had a great Christmas and got to spend some time relaxing with family and friends. And have a good New Year too!

Happy Christmas!

2011-12-24T11:45:00.000Z

i would like to wish all readers of this blog a very happy Christmas. i hope you all get to spend time with the ones you love, with plenty of presents, good food and lots of time to relax. We're planning on spending Christmas Day as a family together, then there'll be visits to and from extended family before we get ready for New Year's at Disneyland.

Happy holidays everyone :)

William (aka 'little peanut')

2011-12-24T10:43:00.004Z

And so we come to the last of my posts on my brilliant kidlets and i've saved possibly the most brilliant till last - this post is about William.

For those who don't know i'll give a brief explanation of William's disability (you might want to skip this paragraph if you already know): William was diagnosed with a condition called Tuberous Sclerosis before he was born - he has over 50 tubers in his brain, which basically means he has brain damage to every area except for the brain stem. He also has 2 subependynal nodules in his brain which have to be monitored because they could grow and cause fluid on the brain in future and he has smaller tubers in his heart but these are shrinking and haven't caused him any problems. William's brain damage means he has developmental delays (he is currently functioning at the level of a 3 month old at the age of 16 months) and epilepsy resulting in several seizures a day, despite being on a cocktail of medication. William also has a cortical visual impairment, meaning his brain can't process the messages from his eyes properly, sensory processing difficulties making him hyper-sensitive to some sounds, tastes and textures and he is also displaying some characteristics of autism which is strongly correlated with his condition. William is enrolled in an early intervention clinic and receives speech therapy, physiotherapy, hydrotherapy, a group music and movement session and advice and input from an occupational therapist and a visual impairment specialist. i also carry out daily therapy with William in the sensory room we built in our loft.

William has made amazing progress despite all his difficulties and he is now able to:
- look at, focus on and track objects, toys and pictures in normal lighting
- show recognition of familiar people and favourite toys
- show preferences for some colours over others
- operate large switch pads independently to activate favourite sensory equipment
- reach out for and take toys offered to him
- pick up toys from the floor to investigate
- tolerate and enjoy some textures
- splash with his hands in water
- support his own head
- remain in a seated position with cushions to support him
- push up from the floor with his arms for increasing amounts of time
- make happy, cross and upset noises

William is a very determined little boy and he doesn't let his disabilities get in the way of something he wants to do. He will try and try and try until he succeeds and he can be very stubborn when he wants to be! William is generally very happy and affectionate, loves physical contact and snuggling with his family, is beginning to respond to his twin brother Finn more and more (he learnt a new skill from Finn the other day that none of his therapists have been able to get him to do!), has a gorgeous giggle and a beautiful smile and quickly captures people's hearts. Some of William's favourite things are: bathtime and water play, light-up toys, music and songs, bubbles, ducks, being outside in the sunshine, watching the wind blowing the leaves on the trees, being in the woods or on the beach, massage and being in the sensory room. For Christmas we have got William a variety of sensory toys - ones that light up, play music, makes noises or are for water play. We think he will enjoy using them very much!

Thanks for reading about my little peanut, William

Finn (aka 'Tazmanian Devil')

2011-12-23T12:02:00.002Z

Time for the next post raving on about how brilliant my kidlets are - if a mum can't be proud of her own kids, then who can? This one about Finn.

Finn is a delightful mix of contrasts and opposites - he is very patient and laid-back when waiting to have his needs seen to and always has been (e.g. eating, drinking, being changed, etc), but yet he is very energetic in terms of needing to be on the go all day, constantly running and climbing and doing things, hardly ever sits down for long, etc. He is very thoughtful when it comes to William, very intuitive and understanding of his needs, encourages him to get involved and try to do things and he has always been this way since birth, but yet he is very destructive in his play and exploration of the world - some of his favourite things to do are tipping things out, pulling things onto the floor, piling things into heaps, banging things together, playing in the dirt, making a mess in general. He is very happy and contented, always smiling and giggling, excited about new things he can do and new things to be discovered, easy to keep amused and occupied, but yet he is also going through a 'no' phase where he answers 'no' to everything we ask him to do, has occasional but very big tantrums if he can't get his own way and has started having 'grumpy' moments where nothing can cheer him up. Overall, Finn is happy, cheeky, cheery, mischevious, friendly, impulsive, patient, energetic, tolerant, destructive, caring, noisy, thoughtful, boisterous and fun.

Finn, like Poppy, is ahead in his development and has been since he was born. He was early to walk and to talk and now at the age of 16 months has already mastered these skills:

- say about 60 words recognisably and is beginning to put words together into 2-word phrases
- use pointing, gestures and body language to communicate as well as some signs if he doesn't have the words
- ask questions using appropriate vocal tone
- understand most of what is said to him and answer simple questions, such as pointing to body parts etc.
- recognise many objects and pictures and point to them on request
- walk, run, go up and down stairs, climb, dance, throw objects, roll and kick a ball
- use a 'big boy' bed
- build towers of bricks and use stacking and posting toys
- complete simple inset puzzles on his own
- dig in sand using a spade and pour water into and out of containers
- feed himself and drink independently from an open cup
- take his clothes off and attempt to put some on
- copy adults' actions and engage in pretend play, such as using a toy hoover
- scribble with a crayon
- search for hidden objects and people

Some of Finn's favourite things are: Sesame Street (especially Elmo), cars, trains, motorbikes, boats, planes, trucks, tractors, balls, painting, messy play, music, noisy toys, bricks and building blocks, interactive character toys, bubbles, being outside, being naked, bath-time, water, the park, the woods, mud. For Christmas we have got Finn lots of Sesame Street toys, Duplo, a toy garage, a new train set, sensory and messy play toys, a baby drum set, a bubble blower, a ride-on tractor, sand and water toys and noisy/sound toys. He should be very happy with his loot!

Thanks for reading :)

Poppy (aka 'Daddy's princess')

2011-12-18T10:50:00.000Z

So i realised i've fallen by the wayside a little in terms of posts here, but honestly things are just so busy around here that it's difficult for me to find time to think of what to write, let alone find the time to write it. But with Christmas fast approaching i've been thinking lately about how brilliant my little family is and how proud i am to be the mummy of all three of my kidlets. So the next few posts are going to be about my brilliant children and giving more details on where they're at right now. If you're not interested in reading about my kids, feel free to skip them.....

Poppy is now 3 1/2, going on 13. Seriously, she seems so grown up sometimes, has such in depth conversations about things, has such brilliant logic and insight and understanding that often i forget she hasn't even started school yet and is still a very little girl. Poppy is definitely brighter than average for her age and i'm not just saying this because i'm her mummy. Some of the things Poppy can already do:

- write her own name and all the letters of the alphabet correctly
- copy words below an adult model accurately
- know all the letter sounds and say the letter that some words start with
- read quite a number of words on sight and try to sound out others using phonetic knowledge
- draw people, animals, trees, houses and cars recognisably
- attempt to copy shapes drawn by an adult
- name all shapes on sight, including pentagon, hexagon and octagon
- recognise numbers to 20 and count to 50
- count a set of objects accurately up to 10
- make a set of objects the same as one made by an adult
- say which set has more
- say colours, numbers, days of the week and animals in French
- answer questions in French including her name, address, age, etc.
- know the days of the week and months of the year
- know her name, address, phone number and date of birth
- name all the species of birds which visit our garden
- know facts on many animals
- ballet dance and swim
- and many more :)

Poppy has a thirst for learning and is currently wanting to learn to tell the time and recognise coins. She loves learning about animals and knows more about some of the species than i do! Poppy has many interests including: ballet and dancing, music and singing, French, reading stories, painting, arts and crafts, cooking and baking, animals and birds (especially sea creatures), swimming, writing and drawing, colouring, cutting and sticking, puppets, pretend play and dressing up, playing outside, walking in the woods, going to the beach, playground equipment, TV and films, play dough, stickers, hairdressing, Disney princesses, Dora the Explorer, Peppa Pig to name a few.
She is a great sister to both the boys, very patient with them, loves playing with them and spending time with them, tries to teach them new things and very proud when they learn something new, very protective of William and understanding of his problems. Poppy is usually very well-behaved, has good manners, rarely has tantrums or refuses to do something, tidies up after herself, is very loving and affectionate and friendly, loves to be helpful, has a very caring nature, is never demanding in terms of time, attention or material goods, is very bright and inquisitive and thoughtful and curious about the world. She is a great daughter and a lovely little girl and i am very lucky to be her mummy.

For Christmas we have got Poppy a mix of educational and fun presents including Dora the Explorer and Peppa Pig stuff, a bike, a play kitchen, an Innotab (kid's iPad), art and craft stuff, paints, colouring books, reading books, clothes, play dough and animal stuff. She should be very happy on Christmas morning!
Thanks for reading about my Poppy :)

About Dominants

2011-12-04T11:36:00.000Z

A while back now swan of 'The Heron Clan' wrote a post about Dominants and what natural qualities would be required to make a good Dom. Here's her list:

Honesty
Trustworthiness
Integrity
Self-Control
Sense of Humor (even at himself)
Capacity to Love, Be Loved and to Express that Love
Desire to Learn and Grow, both for himself and for his partner
Dependability
SELF AWARE

i have said before that i consider Sir to be naturally Dominant, not in an arrogant arsehole got-to-be-in-charge-of-everything way, but there are many personality traits He possesses which make Him naturally dominant in all of His relationships, in the way He interacts with people, in a work situation, in His private life, etc. So here below is a list of the natural qualities i believe Sir has that make Him a good Dom:

- air of authority
- confidence
- practicality
- trustworthiness
- honesty
- good communicator
- good listener
- empathetic
- self-control
- consistency
- integrity
- dependability
- self-awareness
- sense of humour
- compassion

I think that people who possess the above characteristics are likely to act in a dominant way in their lives, even if they are not Dominants in the BDSM sense. Of course other people will possess some or most or all of the above traits to some extent, but it is when someone has them in abundance that they make a good Dom/me. IMHO of course :)

Sorry for not going into more detail on my thoughts on these characteristics and why they are so important to my Sir being a good Dom. Things are a little crazy round here at the moment trying to get ready for Christmas and our Disneyland Paris trip straight after, keep the household running, look after the kids and keep up with all William's therapies and the clubs we go to, teach Poppy who is super thirsty for knowledge right now, stop Finn from destroying the whole house and the Christmas tree in particular, be a good wife and slave to Sir and so on... you get the picture. But i'm very happy for anyone to leave their comments on this post and tell me the qualities you think a good Dom/me should have. Thanks!

formspring.me

2011-11-27T09:40:00.003Z

Ask me questions about BDSM http://www.formspring.me/libbysub

formspring.me #85

2011-11-27T09:40:00.001Z

I'm 20 and I'm having a hard time...does it get better? Were you lonely before you met Him? How did you cope?

i think it was different for me because before i met Sir i thought of myself as 'vanilla' (not that i knew that term, but i considered myself 'normal' and not kinky in any way), so i was perfectly happy with 'normal' boyfriends. i just happened to be attracted to men that were older than me and men that were naturally dominant and in control. Once i found out that i had an interest in kinky sex (which is all i thought my interest extended to in the beginning) i met Sir soon after and He led me through my training and discovery in this area and we have been together ever since. So i was one of the lucky ones, i never went through a time of waiting and wishing for my perfect Master to come along, or felt lonely or left out or different. i was never stuck in a vanilla relationship feeling that my needs weren't being met or endlessly searching the web for that one genuine Dom. i'm sorry i can't be of more help but i would say hang in there, do all you can to talk to and meet up with like-minded people so you don't feel so alone and i hope you find what you're looking for soon.

Ask me anything (250 characters)

In response.....

2011-11-23T07:19:00.001Z

... to a post on another blog which was obviously directed, at least in part, to me, though it didn't name me. i have been pondering the best way to respond to this post, if at all, and have finally decided to post my response here, quoting from that original blog post but without mentioning any names. Here goes:

Firstly i don't think it is ever a good idea to view your relationship as 'in a league of your own' or to state that your Dom's 'way of doing things is superior to nearly every other Dom/sub relationship out there'. Of course lots of us feel that our Dom is perfect for us, that He does things in a way which is suited to our unique needs and we cannot imagine another Dom being able to do things quite as well. And many/most of us feel that our own D/s relationship is better for us than other such relationships we might read about on the internet. But the crucial points in those sentences are the phrases 'for us' - saying that my D/s relationship is better and more suited to me than any other D/s relationship i have read about and saying that my Sir is a better Dom for me than any other Dom i have met is not the same thing as saying my relationship is in a league of its own or my Dom is superior to others. That just smacks of arrogance, one-upmanship and a complete lack of understanding that every sub is different, every Dom is different and therefore every D/s relationship will be different. What works for one relationship will not work for others, what makes one Dom great would make another not-so-good, what one sub needs another sub hates, and so on. One of the great things about the BDSM community is its tolerance and acceptance of a wide range of practices, beliefs and preferences and i think this openess is important and integral to the lifestyle, so it concerns me to hear someone using words and terms like 'league of our own' and 'superior'.

The post then goes on to list ways in which she believes her Dom to be 'superior' to others, which basically consists of statements saying 'because He does not......'. Again, just because something isn't right for you doesn't make it not right for others and certainly doesn't make your Dom superior to those who do carry out those practices. Some of the things listed are 'my Dom doesn't control every single facet of my life' (that's to do with the sub/slave thing, with whether you agree to hand over control of all of your life as a slave or whether you negotiate to retain control of certain parts of it as a sub), 'my Dom doesn't debase me' (humiliation and forms of debasement are an important part of some D/s and M/s relationships - you specifically mention my rule about leaving the bathroom door open when i am in there, which is something that works for me and my Sir, but yet you see it in a very negative way), 'my Dom allows me to have a job if i want one' (again this is to do with levels of control and doesn't at all make your Dom better or superior to those who have stay-at-home subs or slaves) and so on. Comments are made which start off with 'all it will gain the Dom that requires it is a sub that rebels.....', 'there is one thing that will make a woman submit faster and that is.......', 'there is no long-term future in any Dom/sub relationship where....', 'a Dom that.... is a Dom that doesn't deserve to be a Dom'. What you should have put is 'all it will gain the Dom that requires it of me is that i will rebel...', 'there is one thing that will make me submit faster and that is....', 'there is no long-term future in any relationship for me where...' and 'a Dom that..... is a Dom that isn't right to be my Dom' - what you are doing is taking your needs and preferences and projecting them onto each and every D/s relationship out there and any dynamic that doesn't follow exactly your ways is seen as inferior and not as good as yours. BDSM is not a cookie-cutter, one size fits all thing and to see it that way and to write about it with such clear contempt and disdain for other people's interpretation of the lifestyle does none of us any favours.

Thanks for reading, have a nice day.

VBA

2011-11-20T09:08:00.001Z

Master Dream's precious treasure very kindly nominated me for a VBA (Virtual Blogger Award)!! Here's the rules of how to participate:

1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Pass this award along to 15 blogs you enjoy reading.

4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

OK, here goes!

Obviously i would like to thank MD's treasure for nominating me. She has a great blog herself, which is on my reading list in my sidebar: here. When she nominated me she wrote:

"libby is a blast to read! She's candid and upfront about everything she believes in! She's a slave living with her husband and three kids and her blog is anything but boring! There are struggles and many triumphs and as a reader you're drawn in like one of the family very quickly. i love to read this blog!"

Awwww, thank-you, that was very kind :) Now for the 7 things about myself (and i'm going to try to make sure they're things i haven't already included on this blog):

1. When i was little i broke my sister's thumb by shutting it in a door-jamb (accidently).

2. i am addicted to sponges (bath sponges, car sponges, etc) - i love to make them damp and then sniff them.

3. i like to sit on the loo and ponder things; sometimes i can be in there for quite a while and lose track of time! But i seem to do my best thinking in the bathroom.

4. i can be relaxed just by watching 'spa' videos on YouTube (e.g. massages, hair treatments, pedicures, etc).

5. my favourite song is 'Dancing in the Moonlight' by Toploader, because it is such a happy song.

6. i love buying 'knick knacks' for the house; my dream is to fill it with souvenirs from every part of the world.

7. i feel like some of the friends i have made online are closer to me than some of my 'real' friends are and they certainly know more about me!

i'm going to be a bit naughty and not nominate anyone else for the award because i think most of the people i would want to pass it on to have already had it. But if your blog is on my sidebar and you haven't received this award yet, consider yourself nominated!

A bit of a failure

2011-11-20T08:00:00.001Z

Those of you who keep up with these things will know that i've had 'cumming on demand' in my current training list for a while now. It's something that Sir started teaching me a long time ago and has continued to work on gradually, hoping to eventually attain the state where He can make me cum at any time just by telling me to.

When He first explained the training and expected outcome to me, i was sceptical, wondering if it was possible for anyone to get to the point where they could be made to orgasm just because their Master commanded it. After all, us women are fussy little creatures and some of us can find it hard to cum anyway, needing just the right stimulation in just the right spot for just the right amount of time in order to achieve it. i'm not as bad as that and normally i can cum pretty easily, but i do require some form of stimulation down there to make it happen.

Having said all that, there had been some progress in this training - i was able to cum on demand a few minutes after stimulation had ceased, and i was also able to cum on demand when i was feeling 'not quite there yet'. Sir has worked on both these areas and i am now much more consistent with them, and also He has gradually got me to the point where the amount of stimulation i need before He gives the command is quite a bit less than it used to be.

But.... it seems that is as far as i can go with this training. Sir has tried for months and months now to push it a little further each time, to get me slowly towards the point where i can cum from no stimulation at all. And whilst the mind is willing, it seems the body is not. There's a level of stimulation which i can't get beyond, where if He gives me less than that my body just won't obey the command to cum. So Sir has now declared this particular training 'finished' even though i have not 'passed' it. He hasn't used the word 'failed' because He says He is pleased with my efforts and there has been some success in the outcome, but i know He was hoping for more and it does make me feel like i have let Him down and failed Him to some extent.

Some people reading here are probably thinking that it was an impossible task and nobody can actually achieve true cumming on demand. But i have talked to other subs online who can do it (and they can do it just by reading the command on screen, since they live apart from their Masters) and Sir has successfully taught one of His previous subs to be able to do it. i guess it's one of those things which is possible for some people but not for everyone. But that still doesn't make me feel any better about it.

So today i am a bit of a failure.

formspring.me #84

2011-11-06T10:38:00.001Z

A couple of quick questions from my formspring account:

What is the age-difference between you and your Master?

13 and a bit years - Sir was 45 in February, i was 32 in August. But to be honest i don't really notice the age difference, and i think it would be weird to have a Master younger than me (for me personally, though i think it could work for some couples). Also i have always been drawn to men older than me, so it makes sense for me.

Do you have an email? or somewhere i can write you?
Sir's email is linked to the top of this blog: sir.peter@hotmail.co.uk
Sir passes all the emails about this blog onto me and allows me to reply to most of them and to send my email address onto some of them. He doesn't let me put my own email address on this blog because of all the trolls! i always like getting emails from blog readers, as well as comments and formspring questions.

That's all the questions in my account answered now, but please feel free to send me some more:

Ask me anything (250 characters)

'Spring forward... fall back...'

2011-10-30T08:51:00.001Z

What did all the UK readers do with their extra hour today? i would like to have had another hour of sleep this morning but the kidlets woke at their usual time (it's hard to explain clocks going back to an energetic 14-month old!). So we decided to spend some snuggle time in bed with all 5 of us instead, watching 'momo' (Elmo) videos while eating breakfast together. It was really lovely and a nice relaxed way to start the day and spend our extra hour and i'm so proud to be the mummy of 3 such gorgeous kiddies and a wife/slave to such a wonderful Sir :)

The Tabak thing

2011-10-30T08:12:00.000Z

So the British newspapers have been full of the Vincent Tabak story this week - the man who murdered Joanna Yeates in her own flat last Christmas. He has been sentenced to 20 years in jail, which in my opinion isn't long enough for taking someone's life..... but the thing which has upset me most about this whole thing is the way that Tabak's liking for BDSM porn sites has been depicted in the media.

The evidence wasn't allowed to be used during the trial so it didn't affect the verdict of the jury, but afterwards the papers have been full of the fact that Tabak used to visit websites such as 'Sex and Submission' and watch videos, some of which included women having men's hands round their throat during sex. These websites and videos have been described as 'sick', 'depraved', 'perverted', etc. and consequently so has Tabak with the media making much of the fact that this is how he killed his victim. The assumption seems to be that people who view these kinds of BDSM videos are sick in the head and in danger of 'acting out' their 'twisted perversions' by harming or killing an innocent stranger.

Now you and i both know that's far from the truth, but i can't help thinking that this whole case has hardly helped paint the lifestyle in a positive light or done anything to dispel people's prejudices against D/s relationships. If anything it has confirmed their views that people who engage in BDSM practices, or even 'fantasise' about them as in Tabak's case, are not right mentally, are socially inadequate and are a danger to those around them. i (obviously) disagree with this, much the same way i don't see that everyone who plays video games necessarily goes on to re-enact them in real life by going on a shooting spree (though a rare few do).

*Sigh*, i guess i just wish that for once D/s relationships and BDSM in general (even the porn sites) could be depicted in a more positive light in the British media. But i guess we're still quite some way off from that day.

formspring.me #83

2011-10-24T10:30:00.001+01:00

Have you ever felt like there was a day or two where you struggled with your submission, or felt like you werent being as submissive as you could have been?

Of course. i think that's true of anything though - there's days when i feel like i haven't been as 'motherly' as i could have been, as patient as i could have been, as 'housewifey' as i could have been, as productive as i could have been, etc. And there's days i struggle with being a mum, with being a stay-at-home wife, with being responsible for a child with special needs, with being a good friend or sister or daughter or whatever.

i don't think i have more days where i struggle with being submissive or that i struggle with my submission more than i struggle with anything else, but it does feature more prominently in my life so it's something i take very seriously and try my best to work on and do well in and make progress in. And because it's the basis of my relationship with Sir it's something that affects me more when i have difficulties with it than perhaps another aspect of my life might.

i'm not sure whether you asked this question because you sense problems within me related to my submission (especially since William has been born) or you struggle with your own submission at times and feel it's only you. But either way i would say it's natural to have these struggles, that everyone has bad days and that the fact that these struggles affect us (me) shows how committed we are (i am) to our relationships and to being in the lifestyle.

Thanks for your question, anyone else want to ask something?

Ask me anything (250 characters)

More on my boys

2011-10-23T10:08:00.000+01:00

So yeah, if you're here to read about the BDSM stuff only you might want to skip this post. Try reading the one i'm going to post later today.....

Still here? Then it's time to boast about my amazing little boys (and Poppy a bit!). We took them to town yesterday to choose their Halloween outfits. Finn was very definite that he wanted this one:

and even tried hard to say the word 'skeleton' (but it comes out more like 'selly'). Talking of talking... Finn's language skills continue to amaze me everyday. Now he is 14 months old he should be using about 7 words correctly in context, but when i counted them the other day he has 42 words he uses recognisably and adds more everyday! He is also a very alert and clever little bean, shown by many examples such as when he suddenly shouted "HOT!" at a man opening an oven door in a kitchen showroom the other day - he wanted to warn the man not to get hurt because he didn't realise the oven wasn't working. Bless him!

Anyway, back to Halloween. We chose this costume for William:

because it's an all-in-one suit which doesn't have anything that goes on the head or the feet, both of which William hates. To be honest, William wasn't really interested in the costumes but he did like lots of the light-up toys which we got some of for him.

Poppy was very excited about getting her costume and determined to be a witch this year, even though i showed her lots of alternative (and cuter in my opinion) costumes. She assures me she will be a 'good' witch and has chosen this costume:

but in black and gold (which for some reason i couldn't find on the website). We also got her some black and gold stripey tights to wear under it and she does look cute with it on. Poppy is super excited about going 'trick-or-treating' with her Daddy again this year and we got her a cauldron-style bucket to collect her goodies in. While Sir and Poppy are gone, me and the boys will be manning the door of our house, giving out sweeties to any trick-or-treaters who might stop by (until the boys fall asleep, that is). And we've already bought plenty of decorations for the house, both outside and in.

Sorry for the slightly erratic nature of this post but my brain seems to be jumping around everywhere at the moment! In other news, William is doing really well with his sitting and i can now leave him propped up with cushions and he will stay sitting there pretty good. And he has so much better control of his head and neck now than he used to. Also he is tolerating food much better, though he will still only eat 7 different things. And he is using his hands much more functionally than before, only curling them into fists when he touches a texture he doesn't like rather than keeping them in fists for the whole time. His vision is so much improved too and he now enjoys watching the leaves blowing on the trees or looking at the cars driving past as he sits in his buggy, things that he wouldn't even have been able to 'see' properly a few months ago. He now receives a weekly session with a speech therapist at the early intervention clinic, on top of his weekly physio, hydrotherapy and group therapy sessions, plus all the daily work i do with him in our sensory room and the various clubs we go to, so i am hopeful that he will continue to improve :).

Finn continues to amaze me everyday with his sheer brilliance, his love of life, his cheeky nature and the way he just picks up new skills out of nowhere and starts using them as if he could always do it! This morning i was surprised by Finn toddling into our bedroom saying "Woo woo?", when i thought he was fast asleep in his cot in his own room. It seems he had woken up, seen William wasn't there (i had brought him into our bed in the middle of the night after a cluster of seizures), figured out how to climb out of his cot and came looking for his brother. Once he found him, Finn promptly climbed into our bed too and sat there "glah"ing at his cleverness and grinning at everyone!

Poppy is absolutely amazing too. She is only 3 1/2 but talks as if she is about 8 or 9! She can read approximately 20 words and is learning to sound out others phonetically (she knows the names and sounds of all the letters of the alphabet), can write her own name independently and copy some other letters under a model, counts to 30 and recognises numbers to 20, colours beautifully, cuts with scissors, paints fantastic pictures, makes up stories, engages in pretend play for hours at a time, knows lots of words and phrases in French, is a beautiful ballet dancer, swims confidently and now wants to learn to ride a bike! It's hard keeping up with her sometimes (and with Finn) but i want to let her try her hand at everything she is interested in and see what her full potential will turn out to be. Poppy is due to start in the Reception class of the local village school next September and we have been offered a part-time place for her at the nursery there after Christmas. After much debating we have decided to take up that place, so Poppy will be starting proper nursery school in January! i am a little nervous but mainly excited and i'm sure her development will surge forward once again as she will have access to some much educational resources and input.

Thanks for reading about my 3 poppets :)

What's 'wrong'?

2011-10-22T10:49:00.000+01:00

OK, so i know i haven't posted here for a while (anyone ever tried looking after a whirlwind of a 14 month old boy, another 14 month old with disabilities, a very bright 3 year old and a household and a very special Sir as well as finding time to blog?) and i'm apologising in advance that this post isn't going to be an interesting BDSM one but a bit of a rant instead. But i'll try to do some BDSM posts later this weekend.

What this post is about is all those people who come over to us when we're out (me and the boys), i guess because they are fascinated by twins, chat and interact with Finn, try to do the same with William and then turn to me and ask "What's wrong with him?".

There is nothing 'wrong' with William. He is perfect just as he is. To ask what is 'wrong' is to imply that he's 'damaged goods' in some way in contrast to his 'perfect' twin Finn. Yes, William has a disability and i guess what those people are really asking is "What is his condition/specific disability?" but to phrase it as "What's wrong?" seems very clumsy and insensitive to me. So my answer has become "Nothing's wrong with him. What's wrong with you?" which may not be the best way to deal with it, but when i'm tired and stressed it does make me feel a bit better.

Thanks for listening, rant over.

Why do it?

2011-10-09T10:10:00.001+01:00

Several times this question has cropped up on this blog: why do i bother going into online BDSM chatrooms when i have a r/l M/s relationship with my Sir? i know i've given some reasons before, but i want to properly answer the question here, giving all my reasons so that hopefully people understand a bit better:

1. friendship - i mainly go into the BDSM chatroom to catch up with my friends. i have made quite a few friends in the room and it's nice to be able to chat with them and find out what's new in their lives. It's a lovely thing to have people interested in my life and my family and supporting me in my achievements and helping me with my problems and stuff.

2. relationships - there are some people in the chatroom who i have formed special relationships with, who i am attracted to, who i love, who i have a deep connection with. It's important for me to continue going there so that i can keep up those relationships, otherwise i would miss those people who are so important to me.

3. advice - in my real-life there's not that many people i can go to for relationship or BDSM advice (except for Sir of course). i don't even feel i can really talk about that stuff with the subs/slaves of Sir's friends because i don't get to see them that often and don't know them well enough to share all my problems. But i know there's enough people in the chatroom for me to be able to get a range of opinions and advice from others who know what i'm going through and can share their own experiences.

4. relaxation - in the evenings when the kiddies are in bed and Sir and i are snuggled up together on the sofa or in bed, i need to find something to occupy myself and help me chill out. i'm not really interested in TV and usually too tired to read, so i choose to chat online instead. i feel like need a bit of 'me' time after being busy with the kids and the house all day.

5. slave needs - due to the fact that we have 3 young children and one of them has significant special needs, there's not that much time for me and Sir to do Master and slave stuff. Sometimes my slave side can feel neglected, not through anyone's fault, but because of the way our life is right now. i can't express my slave side in my interactions with mose people i meet during the day, so being free to be myself and act in a submissive manner in the chatrooms helps to redress that balance and make me feel more at peace.

i hope that helped explain some of the reasons i still visit the online chatrooms. Obviously i'm not there seeking a Dom/me or even looking for some 'play' because i get that in real-life. i will occasionally scene with someone i know well, but that's more due to my relationship with them than to get a need met. And i'm well aware of the difficulties and deceptions which are attached to online friendships, but i think they're worth the risk considering all the benefits i get.

formspring.me #82

2011-10-02T08:39:00.001+01:00

Are you still posting to this blog? what's up in your life?

yes i'm still posting here, just not as frequently as i once did. Which isn't surprising i guess, given that we now have a very bright and active 3 year old, a whirlwind of destruction aka a 1 year old and another 1 year old with complex disabilities and medical needs! But i still value and enjoy blogging here when i can.

Are you worried that your kids could find out about your M/s relationship when they're older?
Not really 'worried' because i hope that by the time they do 'find out' (that's if they ever do because i certainly never found out the details of my parents' relationship) they will know enough about us as people and our beliefs and values that they will realise it's a healthy relationship for us, it's what we've both chosen and we're very much in love with each other. We're bringing our children up to learn that there's different types of people in the world who make different choices about all aspects of their lives and they should value those choices so long as they don't harm anyone. So i don't see it being a problem.

Hey libby, you just answered my question....81. By pictures i meant just regular g rated pictures not x rated
Sir's rules apply to all pictures of me as He doesn't want us 'outed' to our friends and families unless and until we are ready to 'out' ourselves. Which is probably never. i'm not sure why pictures of me are so important anyway.

Your rules on sexual use are detailed with regard to your mouth. Does your master treat your mouth, vagina and anus equally or is your mouth of more use to Him?
Sir uses all 3 of my holes and is pretty equal with His use of them. He does go through phases where He tends to use one more than the others, but on a whole it balances out. i think the reason i have more rules regarding my mouth than my vagina or anus is because i have more 'control' when my mouth is being used, so Sir felt it necessary to stipulate His preferences and requirements from the outset on this area so i know what is expected of me. Also i am required to offer/give Him a blowjob everyday, so i guess that's also why there's more rules about my mouth.

What would you have done if your Sir had wanted you to abort William?
This is a really difficult and emotive question and one i have put off answering for a while. In a way it's irrelevant because Sir had no intention of aborting William so the issue never arose and because of the kind of person He is i never thought that He would so it's not something i even had to worry about. But if the situation had arisen that Sir wanted to abort William and i didn't we would have discussed it openly together, including all the reasons for and against and come to a decision together. my rules state that in all decisions to do with the children i have an equal voice, so the fact of Sir being my Master wouldn't have meant i automatically have to go with His decision in this case. And we had Finn to think about too, which would have/ did influence our decision.

What are some good ways to meet Doms?
Go along to a local munch or play party or other BDSM event.
Or start out chatting to people on the internet and take it from there (being aware that lots of people online are not who they say they are).

What does it mean when you put under protection of the Dom?
i think this is primarily an online thing, though i guess it could apply to real-life too, such as at play parties and events. It usually applies to an unattached sub, often someone new and inexperienced who is concerned he/she may be taken advantage of. So a more experienced Dom acts as the Protector and sets certain guidelines for the sub's conduct and anyone interested in the sub would have to go through the Dom. That way the 'bad eggs' can be weeded out and the sub can be prevented from doing anything which may lead them into a difficult or dangerous situation.

Did your Sir really make you poo onto a plate in front of Him for humiliation training? Was it as humiliating as it sounds?
Yes and yes.

Do you and Sir watch porn together? Do you watch porn or enjoy it? What type do you/ you and Sir enjoy?
We rarely watch porn together though sometimes Sir will direct me to a particular photo or video clip online and ask for my comments. i like the Kink.com sites (especially Hogtied and Device Bondage) but don't visit them anymore because they're now illegal in this country under the new porn laws and it's not worth getting caught. Porn isn't a big thing for me or Sir, so we tend to do without it.

hi im chris i have just become involved with a very exp slave i am a fairly new dom she is great and i need to learn more about her and what i need to do to make things work be good to her and her needs need some advice here thanks chris
The first thing i would say is it's difficult to take a Dom seriously when He types without punctuation at all and also i associate small 'i's with subs, but that's just me. i think that many of the same rules apply to vanilla relationships as D/s so imagine what you would do if in a vanilla relationship with someone more experienced and do the same. Having said that it is important for the Dom to take the lead and be in control, so set some rules and requirements for her to follow, ensure she keeps them and give out consequences if not, try to attend some training sessions on aspects of 'play' you want to learn more about and practice them (especially for any implement you may be using) and don't be afraid to get her to teach you. It's difficult for me to answer, being a sub, but that's the best advice i can give (and Sir is too busy for me to ask today).

Your "I had a dream" post was very moving. Did it take you a while to get used to being used anally? Did you train with a plug?
yes it did take a while and it was something i was very nervous and unsure about in the beginning, but now it is something i love. There's something very submissive about being used there, it instantly puts me in a certain headspace which i really like. For details of my anal training please see #46 and #42.

That's all the questions in my formspring account answered for now. Please feel free to ask me more questions (but please read through the previous answers first to check i haven't already answered them - thanks!)

Ask me anything (250 characters)

Surprise arrival

2011-10-01T12:15:00.000+01:00

my sister was due to give birth on October 21st and i have been eagerly awaiting the arrival of my first proper niece/nephew (i am an aunty to Sir's brother's children, but it doesn't feel the same).

But apparently the lil one didn't want to wait until the official due date and i got a phone call yesterday to say that my sister had gone into labour 3 weeks early! i was a bit worried for the baby, but everything went fine and my sister gave birth to a little baby boy at 5:36pm. They have called him Callum and he weighed in at 6lbs 1oz, which isn't bad for coming 3 weeks early! He is mainly fine, just a touch of jaundice which he is being treated for at the hospital, but they reckon he can come home in a few days time and apart from that he is healthy and has no problems despite his premature arrival - i guess he just couldn't wait to see the world!

i went to the hospital to visit last night and he is just gorgeous, so small and sleepy and perfect. He smells delicious and has a cute lil crop of fuzzy hair on his head and lil wrinkled fingers and toes. It almost makes me want another baby myself, but then i returned to the chaos of our house with a mini-Finn-whirlwind and a special lil William and a super-bright-Poppy and realised that i wouldn't have the time, energy or resources to devote to a newborn right now and i'm so lucky with the kidlets that i do have. Going to wait till Callum comes out of hospital, then take the kids to see their new cousin - Poppy is already super excited to meet him!

Welcome to the world, little Callum :)

Is this a good idea?

2011-09-24T16:03:00.002+01:00

Sir wanted to take the kids to Disneyland (Paris) for Christmas this year, but i was reluctant thinking the boys are too young and William in particular may get stressed out from all of the noise and crowds. Also i felt that they would get more out of it and remember it better if we took them when they are older, perhaps if we wait until the boys are 3-4 and Poppy is 5-6.

But.... Sir says that we can take them now and take them again when they are older. So He has convinced me to go for New Year, after spending a quiet Christmas at home. Part of me is really exciting, knowing that Poppy will love it, Finn will be in his element and hoping that William will be stimulated by all of the music and lights and colours. But i am still a bit nervous it will be too much for him. i guess one of us can take William off for quieter activities if he gets overwhelmed whilst the other person stays with Poppy and Finn doing fun stuff with them, and we can switch round and take it in turns. And i'm really excited about all the shows and parades and the New Year's Eve celebrations, which i know will be just fantastic! We're staying 3 nights in one of the Disneyland hotels (the cowboy one) and have tickets for the park for 4 days and we've decided to travel on the Eurostar without our car as we can go right into the park itself and have no plans to go anywhere else whilst we're there.

i just hope that all the kids enjoy it and have a great time.

Single-tails revisited

2011-09-24T10:08:00.002+01:00

Some of you might already be aware that single-tail whips are a limit for me, after an incident that occured when Sir tried one out on me. Actually, not really an 'incident', just my extreme reaction to it for no apparent reason.

Since then Sir has stayed away from using any type of single-tail whip on me, though i know He has kept practising using them in order to maintain His skill level with them (which is pretty darn accurate, because i've watched Him a couple of times).

Then on our collaring anniversary celebration, once all 3 kidlets were out of the house and being looked after elsewhere, Sir took me out to the barn/dungeon and started a pretty intense session with me involving lots of bondage, torment with various implements, teasing, flogging, use of the hitachi, etc. until i was in a very floaty, meak, submissive, compliant state. And then He brought the single-tail out. i remember looking at it and not feeling at all nervous, more curious: "oh, look what He's got now" and standing there waiting for my fate. So Sir started using it on my titties because that's usually where i like to receive 'sting' rather than thud and i was absolutely fine with it. It did hurt a lot and it's a difficult pain to get on top of because it's a biting pain almost like a bee sting and the speed of it means it's hard to process one hit before the next one comes in a different place, but they're all close to each other. After some work on my titties Sir moved onto my thighs and made me yelp and jump alot, but i was securely bound to the St Andrews Cross, so couldn't go anywhere.

Things get really fuzzy in my mind after that point, but i do know that i was able to manage the experience of being whipped and not go into a panicky state like last time. i was focused on dealing with the pain and didn't get any of those feelings of worthlessness like before. i remember Sir finishing with the whip and coming over to me, stroking my body and telling me what a good girl i'd been, then He untied me and bent me over the spanking bench and took me from behind, and then i remember being back inside the house, snuggled on the sofa with Sir while He put some ointment on my whip marks.

i carried those marks round proudly for the best part of 2 weeks and felt really pleased with myself whenever i caught sight of them. It feels like i have managed to push through whatever difficulties i once had with single-tail whips and i am confident that i can have them used on me now without panicking. But to be safe Sir has decided that for the moment only He will use them, i am not to even consent to having one used on me in an online scene, and He will judge the 'right' moment carefully and keep an extra close eye on my reactions.

So it seems that some limits can be overcome, with time, patience and care. i don't even know why i had such a problem with whips in the first place and i guess i may never know but i'm glad that i've been able to move on in my submission and feel like it was a great collaring present to give to my Sir :)

formspring.me #81

2011-09-18T09:06:00.001+01:00

Why don't you ever post pictures of you like?

For several reasons:
1. Because it's part of Sir's rules that i don't post or send any pictures of me to anyone online - this is His way of keeping me safe as He had a bad experience in the past with someone threatening to 'out' a former sub of His with photos she had sent in good faith.
2. To prevent us being 'outed' deliberately or inadvertantly to our friends, families, neighbours or work colleagues - once a photo is on the internet we no longer have any control over what is done with it or who sees it and as we both have no wish for our lifestyle to be made public among our vanilla acquaintances, we take steps to avoid it.
3. i don't really see the necessity in publishing photos of me, naked or otherwise - i think this blog is fine without photos and if anyone doesn't like it, there's plenty of free porn on the internet already.
4. i don't like the idea of complete strangers oogling over naked photos of me, so unless Sir demanded i post or send a photo (which i doubt He ever will, see #1) then it's not something i would choose to do.

Ask me anything (250 characters)

Brain freeze

2011-09-18T08:56:00.000+01:00

.... that's what it feels like i have at the moment, especially with BDSM or D/s or M/s thoughts and posts for this blog.

Usually i have a few posts on the go at any one time in my head, either about things i have experienced, progress in my training, difficulties i have found or my opinion on BDSM topics or articles i have read on other blogs. But at the moment i don't have any such half-written posts in my brain. Instead my head is filled with William medical things and where-the-heck-is-Finn-right-now-and-what-mischief-is-he-creating and keeping the house looking semi-decent and what next to teach Poppy to keep up with her incessant thirst for knowledge and what can i do to serve Sir in new ways and the Olympics next year and Christmas is approaching..... so there's no room left for BDSM thoughts and musings.

Or to put it another way, the BDSM-musing part of my brain is temporarily frozen whilst the other parts of my brain concentrate on managing each day as it comes. Soooooo, i'm asking for help from my loyal readers:
- what topics would you like me to cover here?
- what questions would you like me to answer?
- is there anything you want to know?
- what would you like to see my opinion or experiences on?

Leave ideas and questions in the comment box and hopefully i'll be able to unfreeze that part of my brain enough to start forming posts in my head once again until they're ready to be written here. In the meantime i'll try to do a couple of formspring posts, just to keep things ticking over!

5 years in His collar

2011-09-03T16:05:00.000+01:00

Five years ago, on 2nd September 2006, i was collared by my Sir in a private ceremony in our barn - you can read about that day here.

Since then i have been trained and molded as His submissive and then as His slave, following several sets of rules which have been adapted to our changing circumstances, learning slave positions and undergoing lots of training. i have earnt a total of 22 charms for my achievements and passed a total of 30 elements of training so far. i have made many friends in the BDSM world online, through my blog and in the chatroom that i visit and have got to know several of Sir's Dom/me friends and their subs/slaves better. i have even been to some play parties, served naked at BDSM dinner parties and had sex outdoors, none of which i ever thought i would do!

Of course, lots has changed for me and Sir during those 5 years - we are now married with 3 children and we had one angel baby too, we have extended and improved our house to accommodate the needs of our family and upgraded our car. We also had to deal with being in a car accident, my post-natal depression, losing pets and extended family members and having a disabled son. But we have come through everything together, united and still very much in love, very much husband and wife and very much Master and slave.

i know just how lucky i am to have found the perfect Master for me and i am so grateful everyday for everything He does for me. Happy anniversary Sir!

1000

2011-08-30T16:33:00.000+01:00

That's how many posts i have written on this blog, including this one! i just wanted to take the opportunity to thank all my readers for their support and comments and to give you all the chance to leave a comment telling me what you would like to see on this blog - either in the sidebar or in my posts.

Blogging has been so much more beneficial to me as a slave than i realised when Sir first made it a condition of me having internet access, and i'm so grateful for the many times it has helped me through a stressful or difficult situation. And i love the way it makes me feel part of a subbie community, even when everyone else around me in real-life seems to be totally vanilla and has no idea of this aspect of my life. So thank you to Blogger as well :)

And here's to the next 1000 posts!

formspring.me #80

2011-08-29T10:31:00.002+01:00

I know you talk to Sir and write in your blog when you have issues with your submission or your life (like coping with William's diagnosis). How does Sir work through his problems? Is there a tendency for Doms to bottle things up?

Sir tends to work through problems by Himself to start with and then He will sit down with me during one of our 'free talk' times and discuss the issue with me too, stating what thoughts He has had about it, setting out the different options and then asking for my opinion. He will listen if i have a different opinion to His or have an alternative suggestion to the ones He has already thought of, and then He comes to a decision and tells me what that is. With things which have no solution, such as William's condition, we talk frequently and openly about our feelings and how we are coping and Sir will admit to me when He is struggling so that i can give Him extra support during those times. i like it that Sir is comfortable enough in His Dominance not to feel threatened by opening Himself up like that to me and that He isn't afraid to admit to His weaknesses and accept support from me in them.

i know when Sir has a problem or issue He is working through, because He will get very quiet and take Himself away (usually to His study area in the converted garage) and the best thing to do is just give Him time to process everything and wait for Him to come to me when He is ready. That's also what happens when He is grumpy or angry for some reason and again i just give Him time and space until He is feeling better again. i guess on the whole, Doms are likely to bottle things up more than subs because we have it drummed into us that we must be completely open and communicate all our negative feelings and issues to our Sirs so that they can help us work through them. But i haven't found that to be the case with my Sir, so i guess the bottling-up thing depends on individual personality as well.

Are you and your Master monogamous? You've mentioned playing with other women as part of your training, but your "Our Story" post also says you guys aren't sexually involved with other people "in that way".
Yes, Sir and i are monogamous and it was very important for that to be made clear to me before i accepted His collar otherwise i wouldn't have been able to enter into the relationship. i wouldn't be able to cope with Sir playing/scening with other women, let alone having a sexual or D/s relationship with anyone else. i do flirt and play and scene online with other people (male and female, Dominant and submissive), but only because Sir encourages it, and i have played sexually with other girls in real-life and been trained and scened with Doms and Dommes in real-life, because Sir has required it. But He sets strict rules, such as no other man's cock is allowed in my pussy or bottom, so in that way i am monogamous as i don't have sexual intercourse with any other man (though i have given blow jobs on request). The reason i wrote that statement in 'Our story' post was that people were asking if Poppy was definitely Sir's when i was pregnant with her, presuming that i had sex with other men and i don't!

When did your Sir stop having other subs? Did you ever meet his other subs?
i think this question has been asked before, but i'll answer it again. Sir has had several subs in the past, including having two at once at one time, but that didn't work out too well hence why He is now a one sub only Man! His last sub before me He released about a year before He replied to my online request for a Mentor/Trainer. And i haven't met any of His previous subs because i think it would make me start comparing myself to them and that's never a good road to go down. Sir has told me some things about them and that's all i need to know.

Ask me anything (250 characters)

1 year check up

2011-08-28T10:02:00.000+01:00

Finn and William had their 1 year doctor's check up the other day, including more injections but they both coped well with that (infact William seems not to even feel them). i wanted to record the results here so i can refer back to them in future if needed (and incase anyone else is interested):

Finn
Finn surprised the doctor by running into the room and immediately pulling things off his desk to pile up on the floor and investigate! He was his usual cheeky self during the examination and kept grabbing for the doctor's stethoscope, babbling away to him (including several words in context such as "Hi!", "ball", "down" (when he wanted to go and play), "no no", "Woo woo" (William) and "Mum"), playing several of his favourite games such as peekaboo, pattacake, finding hidden toys under a cloth, building and knocking things over and rolling a ball back and forth. He took part in all the tests willingly and with his usual sense of curiosity and left the doctor's room looking like a mini version of our house (i.e. like a whirlwind had torn through it!).

The results were:
He is fine for height, weight and head circumference.
His vision and hearing show no signs of any problems.
He is at a 16-17 month level in his physical development.
He is at a 15-16 month level in language skills.
He is at a 13-14 month level in his cognitive development.
He is at a 15-16 month level in social skills.
He is at a 12-13 month level in his emotional development.

William
William remained calm and cooperative throughout the tests, which i was relieved about. He hadn't had any big seizures that morning so he was fairly alert and able to demonstrate to the doctor what he could do, with some help from me and plenty of encouragement from Finn! As expected, William remains delayed in all aspects of his development, but he has made progress since the last time the doctor did a formal check up on him, which is good news. The doctor definitely noticed an improvement in William's visual skills as he was looking at things much better than when he last saw him, but he said that his visual impairment is likely to have affected the other aspects of his development as babies rely so strongly on their vision to make sense of the world. He has referred William for a more detailed visual assessment with a specialist in a couple of weeks' time. William also has an assessment with the speech therapist coming up and a review of his medication with the epilepsy doctor soon, so there might be some changes to be implemented. One slightly worrying thing is that William exhibited some of the early indicators of autism during the check up, but the doctor said those could be due to his disability instead, although his particular syndrome is strongly correlated with autistic spectrum disorders. He said it would become clearer during the course of the next year whether William is likely to have autism or not and we can take him for a formal assessment when he is 2. Anyway, i'm not going to worry about that just yet.

The results were:
He is fine for height, weight and head circumference.
His vision has improved, but needs a more detailed assessment by a specialist.
His hearing is fine but he doesn't use it in a social way (e.g. responding to his name, turning towards someone's voice) and he has sensory sensitivities to certain noises.
He is at a 3-4 month level in his physical development.
He is at a 2-3 month level in language skills.
He is at a 1-2 month level in his cognitive development.
He is at a 2-3 month level in social skills.
He is at a 2-3 month level in his emotional development.

i am very proud of both my boys for everything they have achieved this year!

Friday fill-ins #14

2011-08-25T14:56:00.000+01:00

.... because i haven't done one of these for a while:

1. How in the world did i.... get to be the mummy of three such gorgeous and special little kidlets?

2. i have years and years of happy times with Sir and the children .... in front of me.

3. Life's.... what you make of it.

4. Sometimes when it rains, we spread a blanket on the floor of the living room and have an indoor.... picnic lunch.

5. That was where we.... had our collaring ceremony, in our barn.

6. The 'dungeon' outside in the converted barn.... i think of as "our place".

7. And as for the weekend, tonight i'm looking forward to.... the Celebrity Big Brother eviction, tomorrow my plans include.... shopping for clothes for the boys as they've grown again and Sunday i want to.... enjoy a good scening session with Sir!

Humiliation

2011-08-23T10:11:00.000+01:00

i can't believe that i forgot to write about this before, but on Sunday i officially had my 'humiliation' training signed off by Sir and Sir Mark. There's been lots of things done to me during this training that i haven't wanted to write about here because i find humiliation quite a difficult emotion to process, but one of the conditions of me passing this training was to write on my blog about things i find humiliating in a BDSM context, so here goes.

i know that humiliation is very personal and subjective, so what some people would find arousing and 'fun' others will find humiliating and difficult. i think that i tend to find more things humiliating than most subs/slaves do, which is partly why this training has been so difficult for me. And also i don't get turned on by the humiliation factor in itself like other subs seem to, though if arousing things are being done to me at the same time i can get turned on despite the humiliation. OK, enough skipping around the topic, here's a list of things i find humiliating:

- being naked in front of people apart from my Sir, even people who have seen me naked before like Sir's Dom/me friends, it still humiliates me to be nude in front of them, especially when they are fully clothed and weirdly enough having some clothes on makes it more humiliating - like them putting me in high heels or over-the knee socks but naked otherwise. i don't know why.
- being gagged with open-mouth gags or having a head-harness attached. i hate the amount of drool with an open-mouth gag and i find it humiliating that they can put things in my mouth and i can't stop them. And the harness is too much like an animal harness for me to feel comfortable with it.
- being tied or strapped into embarassing positions which either leave me vulnerable and open (such as lying on my back with my legs apart and up) or make parts of my body look 'silly' or 'weird' (in my view) , such as inserting a nose clip or tying nipple clamps off to the side so they pull outwards.
- treating me like an animal, such as putting a pig tail buttplug in and making me snort or milking me like a cow.
- anything which stretches my nipples or makes them even bigger than usual, such as using nipple suckers on them or having the tower of pain device put on. i think that my nipples are too big anyway so making them bigger and drawing attention to them i find very humiliating.
- having a butt plug or dildo put in or taken out. For some reason i don't find them humiliating in themselves, unless there is an animal tail attached as mentioned before, but having to allow one of them to be pushed into my pussy or bottom i find very humiliating and i also hate having them taken out because i am worried what might be seen on them, if you know what i mean. Oh, and having a dildo pumped in and out of me is also humiliating for similar reasons.
- body parts 'jiggling' during a scene, such as my titties or bottom wobbling when flogged or paddled or if i am on all fours and my titties are hanging down and made to jiggle because something or someone is banging into my bottom.
- cumming in front of anyone other than my Sir, unless they cum too. i find it especially humiliating to make lots of juice when i cum and for that to be running onto my thighs or dripping on the floor. Or for it to be collected.
- having male subs or slaves watch any type of 'play' or 'training' session of mine, especially if all they do is watch and don't have anything done to them. Or if they are allowed to join in in some way, by putting a gag in me or by clamping something on me. Or if they are invited to take a closer look at a certain body part of mine. This one is especially humiliating to me.
- being naked outside, being tied up or gagged or clamped outside, being flogged outside.... you get the idea.

So there you have it, the top 10 things i find humiliating in a BDSM context. Please feel free to add any others which you find humiliating, i'd love to read other subs' points of view!

formspring.me #79

2011-08-22T08:35:00.002+01:00

Why is humiliation such an important step in a submissive woman's growth? How would that build as much loyalty toward my husband/leader/HOH as tenderness, affection, and open conversation? This is the question that my wife asked me.

i'm not sure i'm the best person to answer this because i have only just completed my introductory humiliation training, so don't really have enough experience of it yet to know how it benefits me, let alone feel able to speak on behalf of submissive women as a whole. What i will say is that i don't think humiliation works for all subs/slaves and i think it works in different ways for different people.

Mainly i think that humiliation can be an important part of some submissives' training and growth because it strips them down like nothing else really can. When you allow yourself to become that vulnerable and you are taken to a place where you feel that small and worthless you are the pure uncomplicated version of yourself with no pretense or acting or any of that outward persona that most of us try so hard to maintain the whole time. And once you have been taken to that state, both you and your Dom can discover things about you that neither of you knew before.

Also by allowing yourself to be treated in that way requires a great amount of trust on the part of the sub, so that in itself can help her to grow and develop. i think one of the most important lessons i have learnt from my humiliation training so far is that i don't have to look all sexy and alluring all the time in order to be a worthwhile sub and that i can allow myself to be intensely vulnerable in front of other trusted Doms than my Sir and still come out of the experience as myself and not permanently broken.

i'm not sure if any of that will have made sense to anyone except me as i suspect that humiliation is one of those intensely personal things which affects people in different ways. But i know it has been useful for me as a slave to experience it and it has helped me to grow and develop, even though it has been very difficult and unpleasant at times.

Thank you for your question and please check back soon for a post on which things i find humiliating, which i am in the process of writing!

Ask me anything (250 characters)

**P.S. i realised that i got carried away and kind of forgot to answer the second part of the question, namely: how can humiliation build as much loyalty to a HOH as tenderness, affection and open conversation? Again i think everyone is different and for some people humiliation will have a negative effect and actually be detrimental to the trust and loyalty of the sub. But in cases where it doess work i think it is because it takes the relationship to new levels of trust and openness, it shows parts of the sub that nobody has ever seen before, it teaches her that she can allow herself to be that vulnerable in front of someone else and yet still be beautiful to Him. To me, tenderness, affection and open conversation have their place in a D/s relationship but they are very much vanilla concepts, humiliation is a unique part of a D/s dynamic and this is why it can be so beneficial to a receptive sub's growth and to the bond between her and her Dom.

Our holiday

2011-08-18T19:32:00.002+01:00

We're back! We had a great time on our holiday and i'm so glad we went. It gave us all time to relax and enjoy ourselves and have some fun together. The weather was pretty good to us - not too hot so i wasn't worried about the kids overheating but warm enough for them to enjoy the beach, we only had one rainy day today and we spent it in the amusement arcade (which William absolutely loved because of all the lights and music) before coming home.

Finn has learnt a new skill of digging. First he used his spade to catapult huge amounts of sand straight up in the air, but after a demo he learnt to turn the spade sideways instead to dump the sand off and then there was no stopping him! Another of his favourite games on the beach was to watch us build sandcastles and then 'bang' them completely flat with both hands whilst squealing and "glah"ing with delight - the only issue was stopping him from doing the same to the sandcastles which Poppy built! The first couple of days Finn was perfectly content playing in the sand and then all of a sudden he surprised us on the third day by taking off at top speed towards the sea! And from then on it was difficult to get him out of the water (or to keep any clothes on him). Finn had a thoroughly good time on his birthday too and loved all of his presents, including a ride-on car toy which can be converted lot of different ways as he grows and a mini Henry hoover which he pushes across the floor while crawling and "glah"ing!

William also loved the beach and the sea and has had plenty of practice the past few days in using his hands to splash and pat and scoop and sprinkle, with help. He especially loved being in the sea, once he got over the shock of it being a little colder than the water he is used to, and we were glad that we took the special float he uses in his hydrotherapy sessions so that he could sit in the water safely. He was very unsettled the first night in the holiday home and wouldn't eat for the first two days, but after that he was fine and ate and drank and slept well. William also had a lovely birthday and we are hopeful that the new ball and water play table we got him will help develop his motor skills even further. He also got lots of sensory and light-up toys which he loves.

Poppy also had a great time and spent her days on the beach making sandcastles, collecting shells and playing with her brothers in the water. She was very patient with them as always, except for shouting "bad boy Finn!" when he knocked over her sandcastle before we could stop him! Poppy happily gave her brothers the birthday presents she had picked out for them - a drum for William "to help his hands" and a train which makes "choo choo" noises as it trundles across the floor for Finn "cos Finn likes trains", both presents went down really well with the boys! Poppy's favourite day was when we visited the sealife centre, followed by the kiddies amusement park, but she was just as happy to spend time on the beach, though she didn't like sandy sandwiches for lunch!

All in all we had a great time, took some fantastic photos and videos as memories and i'm looking forward to future holidays with the kids as they grow older.

Holidays.....

2011-08-13T09:39:00.000+01:00

Just to let everyone know that we're off on our holidays - we're taking the kids to the seaside and staying in a holiday house for 5 nights from today (Sat 13th) to Thursday (18th). Hoping for lots of sun, sand and icecreams.....! See you when we get back :)

What is sexy?

2011-08-06T12:23:00.000+01:00

Having been nominated for the 'Sexy Blogger 2011' award list and having been assured by Mistress160 that even though i don't think of myself as being 'sexy' or my blog as being a particularly 'sexy' blog, some other people do see me in that way. She made an important point when She noted that i 'may not review toys or post naked photos but you write with enormous heart and courage about life as you live it .... and THAT is sexy' and it got me to thinking about what i find sexy....

And it turns out Mistress160 is right! (Not that She is normally ever wrong). The bloggers that i find most sexy are not the ones writing steamy erotic fiction (for the record i never read blog posts which are fictional - i find them boring) or posting posed photos of themselves trying to be porn stars or detailing their fantasies or writing about what their 'second life' avatar has got up to with their 'Master' in a completely made-up world (but hey you enjoy it if that's your thing). The bloggers that i find most sexy are the ones who write about their r/l D/s interactions in among the daily realities of life, the ones who post real photos of themselves in a scene or who don't post photos at all and leave it to our imaginations, the ones who are obviously real and genuine and not living in some fantasy world.

This applies to people i meet in the outside world too - the men i find 'sexy' are the ones who don't know it, who aren't trying too hard, who don't have to preen and pose and act all arrogant and 'look at me'. i find big strong hands incredibly sexy, i love a good happy trail (line of hair going down from a man's bellybutton) and a nice defined groove leading from a man's hips to his groin, i find a man who has just come off of a rugby pitch or from fixing a car very alluring - with a hint of sweat and dirt and pure masculinity, mmmm. But also i find it very sexy to see a man being tender with his baby or playing with a puppy or brushing a woman's hair and not worrying about letting his 'masculinity' drop - those are the times a man is most masculine to me. So 'real' sexy is much better in my view than 'porn' sexy anyday :) Thanks for reminding me of that Mistress160!

Happy birthday me!

2011-08-05T11:01:00.001+01:00

Was too tired and full of food last night to write this post, but i just wanted to let everyone know i had a lovely birthday yesterday and to thank you all for your good wishes.

my day started with breakfast in bed, made by Sir and Poppy, surrounded by all my family and it was once again a lovely way to begin my special day. Then i was given my presents and cards and it was the personal touches which were most important to me - like the fact that Poppy had once again been allowed to choose the present she wanted to get me ("made mummy a box, mummy needs a box") so Sir had found a plain wooden trinket box and let her paint it and decorate it with glitter and sequins and plastic jewels - i'm going to use it to keep some of my jewellery in and it will make me smile everytime i look at it to know the care and love which went into making it. And each of the kidlets had made me their card, with really cure handprint butterflies from William, a messy painting full of colour from Finn and a crayon drawing of me from Poppy. From the twins i got a new photo frame with plenty of space for multiple photos because i was moaning the other day that i don't have anywhere to display more recent photos of the boys. And i was lucky in my other presents too - i got flowers, chocolate, perfume, lingerie, jewellery and vouchers.

Although it was a rainy, drizzly day it didn't spoil things because after Poppy was in nursery i got taken out for a pedicure (Sir had the day off work), which has made my feet look amazing and i tried out a new light purple nail varnish which i love. Then we had lunch together at home, which was lovely just to have my boys and Sir with me, chatting and laughing and playing together and enjoying nice food. (The afternoon was William's physio session, but it was good for Sir to be able to see it and realise how much improved he is since the last time he was able to watch it). Then in the evening we went out to dinner, all 5 of us, to an 'all you can eat' carvery, where i filled myself to bursting with beef and turkey and 3 kinds of potatoes and loads of veg and stuffing and the biggest yorkshire puddings i've ever seen and delicious thick gravy. And the kids were allowed to eat for free and they all did really well - Poppy was an angel as usual and kept the boys amused with her singing and chattering and usual liveliness, Finn charmed all of the waitresses with his cheeky smile and giggles and babbles and "hi!"s and "glah"s, William was very comfy in the special highchair we took along for him (it reclines as he doesn't have the sitting ability for a normal highchair yet) and ate some of the mashed potato plus some mashed apple and banana i took along for him, then got a bit fussy so i snuggled him on my lap where he promptly fell asleep for the rest of the time! It was the first time we have been out to dinner with all 3 kids and they were just great, i was so proud of them.

Oh i nearly forgot to mention that Sir and Poppy made me a birthday cake, which we didn't have room for once we got back from the restaurant but i'm sure we'll sample it today - it's a butterfly cake with the decorations made by Poppy with a little help from Sir and is again a lot more special than one just bought from a shop. Occasions like my birthday remind me how lucky i am to be surrounded by so many people i love and to receive so many treats and so much love in return. Thank you for a wonderful birthday, thank you to everyone who wished me 'happy birthday' yesterday and for all the love and friendship shown me when i went into the chatroom later in the evening :)

(And for those of you interested i was 32 yesterday, which seems quite old to me but not as the mother of 3 children i guess!)

Sexy blogger?

2011-08-03T09:04:00.000+01:00

i've been nominated by the wonderful Mistress160 for the 'Sexiest Bloggers 2011' award - each year there is a list produced of the 100 top sex bloggers on 'Between my sheets' and i've been nominated to appear on it this year! i'd like to thank Mistress160 for nominating me and we'll see whether i get onto that list as there's so many great sex blogs out there (and not just D/s ones which makes even more competition!). Here's the link: Sexy Blogger Nominations.

Also better than 'normal'......

2011-08-02T19:41:00.001+01:00

After yesterday's emotional post about William it would be easy to forget that actually i gave birth to two babies a little under a year ago, and that both of them are miraculous and special in their own ways. Right from the start i knew Finn was special because before he was born i'd been having dreams and 'feelings' that he was going to be Joshua returned (Joshua is our baby who died when he was only a few weeks old in my tummy). And straight after he was born and handed to me, Finn gave me this look which told me that he was indeed who i thought he would be. Now i know that many people reading this are going to dismiss what i'm saying as a load of old rubbish, and that's fine it doesn't matter to me. What matters is that i know who Finn is and i know that he came back to help look after his twin who is likely to have significant difficulties to face all his life. You can believe what you want.

Finn has already started his role as William's protector and helper - the first thing he does every morning or after every nap and every time he is brought back into the area where William is (e.g. after being taken to a different room) is to check on William and make sure he is ok. Often he will say a quiet "Woo woo" (his word for William) when he does this, as if to reassure himself that his brother is fine. Finn will also take toys over to William, show them to him, hold them out to him, demonstrate how they work, basically encourage William to take them and play with them - William doesn't reach out and take toys yet but that doesn't deter Finn who will just put the toy on top of William or leave it next to where he is. Which is remarkable for a baby who is not even a year old yet, to have the awareness of another person's needs to be able to initiate an act like that. Finn is also very intune with William's seizures and often my first clue that something isn't right is when Finn starts crying in a certain way - that normally signals that his brother is having a seizure. Finn will always wake in the night and cry when William has a seizure and sometimes he can even be in a different room and suddenly he will pause and look worried and turn towards the room where William is and sure enough when i go to check William will be having a seizure. It's like Finn has a sixth sense about these things due to his special bond with William.

Aside from being William's protector, Finn is a gorgeous little boy in his own right, full of character and energy and cheekiness and curiosity about the world. Now he is walking (almost running at times!) the house looks like a war zone most of the time as Finn's favourite ways to explore things are to pull them out from their storage places, drop or push them to the floor and make large heaps of everything, then move on to the next zone to be demolished. At any given time all i have to do to locate Finn is to follow the trail of destruction and he'll be at the end of it creating yet another mess! Finn is such a boy and loves to knock things down, make as much noise as possible, cover himself in any substance available (except for poo - that's William's preference), tip things out, throw things, drop things, bang things together, push or pull things off of their location, shove things across the floor (to see if they roll), generally get into as much mischief as possible. You can tell how big the mischief (and the mess) is by listening to Finn's reaction as he creates it - "Glah!" is his word to show how pleased he is with something he has done, so the more "glah"ing and the louder the "glah"ing becomes and the more enthusiasm with which the "glah"ing is uttered means a higher level of mess and mayhem. Finn will also give you a warning he is about to do something naughty by saying "no no...." just before causing a terrific mess and his reaction to the devastation he causes is equally as cute - he will say "uh oh......" or "Fiiiiiiiiii!" (copying the way i say his name in those situations) when he is discovered, then give you the cutest grin ever and usually burst into uncontrollable giggles. It really is difficult to be cross with him, especially as there's no malice behind his destruction, he's just a little boy exploring the world in a rather enthusiastic manner.

Finn, as the title of this post indicates, is better than 'normal'. No he doesn't have a disability like William to mark him out as 'special', but i think i have already indicated some ways in which he is a unique little boy by the way he is towards his brother. He is also better than normal quite literally in that he is advanced for his age in all aspects of his development. Finn started walking at the age of 10 months and once he started there was no stopping him. He is now so competent on his feet that he literally almost runs at times, a skill which doesn't normally develop until 18 months - 2 years. Finn's language development is also ahead of schedule. He said his first word around 8 months old (after having been able to use several signs before then) and can now say the following words recognisably and in context:
"bah" - bath
"boo" - ball
"baba" - bottle
"boo!"
"bye"
"car"
"ca" = cat (at the moment lots of animals get labelled this as well as cats!)
"Dada" - daddy
"uck" - duck
"dow" - down
"Fiiiiiiiii" - Finn
"hi"
"oooo-va" - hoover
"ook" - look
"mum"
"ki ki" - monkey
"no no"
"ow" - out
"poop" - Poppy
"uh oh"
"Woo woo" - William

and i'm sure he probably says many other words too, i just haven't distinguished them from his general babble yet. Finn chatters away a lot, to himself, to William, to Poppy, to his mummy and daddy, to strangers in the street, to anyone basically. He loves people and having attention from them and interacting with them and being made a fuss of. But equally he is happy when left to occupy himself because there's always another mess to be made. Finn also loves hoovers (his favourite thing in the whole world is to follow the hoover round the room, shrieking and "glah"ing excitedly and his greatest triumph was when i left the hoover cupboard open by mistake and he managed to get in there!), anything transport-related: cars, trucks, planes, trains, etc, bubbles, water, musical toys, toys that make a noise, Elmo from Sesame Street, animals (especially ducks and cats), bricks (so he can knock down towers which people make), feeding himself finger foods, messy play, books, mirrors, being outside in the garden/woods/park/on the beach and swimming. He is a bright, cheerful, smiley, inquisitive, friendly, loving, happy-natured little soul with bags of energy, a great sense of fun and an infectious giggle. He continually brightens my day with his new discoveries about the world and his new ways of being cute and making me laugh. i feel very very lucky to have him as well as William, two very different but equally special little boys and i am extremely proud to call myself their mummy.

** i forgot to add that Finn's favourite activity at the moment is stripping his clothes off (usually just his bottom half as he can't get his tops off by himself), pulling his nappy off and running around completely naked, squealing and "glah"ing excitedly! We've managed to reach a compromise at the moment that he wears at least a nappy in the house but can be naked outside in the garden when the weather permits it, but that doesn't stop him trying to get naked at any opportunity he can! **

Better than 'normal'

2011-08-01T17:37:00.002+01:00

So my baby boys turn 1 in a couple of weeks' time (15th Aug) and i'm finding it hard to believe that it's been a whole year already! It only seems like a short while ago that i was looking and feeling like a beached whale and hoping each day that my babies would choose to be born that particular day. And here we are one year on with both boys doing well and having made so much progress and such an important part of our family. i just can't imagine my life without them now.

i found a lovely website about special needs kiddies which had a piece of writing on it which really touched my heart (i'm sorry but i don't like the 'welcome to Holland' one that so many other people recommend). Please read it before i continue:

I am the child who cannot talk. You often pity me, I see it in your eyes. You wonder how much I am aware of -- I see that as well. I am aware of much -- whether you are happy or sad or fearful, patient or impatient, full of love and desire, or if you are just doing your duty by me. I marvel at your frustration, knowing mine to be far greater, for I cannot express myself or my needs as you do.

You cannot conceive my isolation, so complete it is at times. I do not gift you with clever conversation, cute remarks to be laughed over and repeated. I do not give you answers to your everyday questions, responses over my well-being, sharing my needs, or comments about the world about me. I do not give you rewards as defined by the world's standards -- great strides in development that you can credit yourself; I do not give you understanding as you know it.

What I give you is so much more valuable -- I give you instead opportunities. Opportunities to discover the depth of your character, not mine; the depth of your love, your commitment, your patience, your abilities; the opportunity to explore your spirit more deeply than you imagined possible. I drive you further than you would ever go on your own, working harder, seeking answers to your many questions with no answers. I am the child who cannot talk.

I am the child who cannot walk. The world seems to pass me by. You see the longing in my eyes to get out of this chair, to run and play like other children. There is much you take for granted. I want the toys on the shelf, I need to go to the bathroom, oh I've dropped my fork again. I am dependant on you in these ways. My gift to you is to make you more aware of your great fortune, your healthy back and legs, your ability to do for yourself. Sometimes people appear not to notice me; I always notice them. I feel not so much envy as desire, desire to stand upright, to put one foot in front of the other, to be independent. I give you awareness. I am the child who cannot walk.

I am the child who is mentally impaired. I don't learn easily, if you judge me by the world's measuring stick, what I do know is infinite joy in simple things. I am not burdened as you are with the strifes and conflicts of a more complicated life. My gift to you is to grant you the freedom to enjoy things as a child, to teach you how much your arms around me mean, to give you love. I give you the gift of simplicity. I am the child who is mentally impaired.

I am the disabled child. I am your teacher. If you allow me, I will teach you what is really important in life. I will give you and teach you unconditional love. I gift you with my innocent trust, my dependency upon you. I teach you about how precious this life is and about not taking things for granted. I teach you about forgetting your own needs and desires and dreams. I teach you giving. Most of all I teach you hope and faith. I am the disabled child.

- Author Unknown -

i remember feeling so scared and worried and sad and angry when we found out that William would have special needs and some of those feelings haven't gone away, especially when i have to deal with a night of big seizures or stares in the supermarket or watching him struggle to do something because of his disabilities or his sensory problems. But those times have been greatly outnumbered by the times i sit and stare at him in awe and wonder, amazed at just how much he can do, how far he has come despite severe disabilities and problems (including multiple areas of brain damage, complex epilepsy resulting in numerous daily seizures, cortical visual impairment, global developmental delays and sensory processing disorder). William has learnt to look at, focus on, track and recognise items in normal lighting, despite initially not looking at anything at all, even bright lights in a dark room. He has learnt to tolerate and even enjoy certain foods, despite being so sensory aversive to the feel of anything in his mouth to begin with. He has learnt to reach out and touch things, to begin to use his hands functionally, despite keeping them curled into tight fists for the first few months of his life due again to his sensory aversions. He has learnt to make some sounds and begin to communicate basic emotions, to recognise people close to him, to show likes and dislikes, to begin to interact with the world and understand simple cause and effect actions, despite his brain damage. He has learnt to support his own head pretty well except when tired and is beginning to maintain a better sitting position when his shoulders are held from behind, despite being a very floppy and uncoordinated baby due to his disabilities.

William is my little soldier, a fighter, a warrior, if he wants to achieve something he will, even if it takes him a while. He is fiercely determined to stand up for himself and have things done in the way he wants them and certainly knows how to make his mark on the world. William loves to be snuggled and held, to be close to those he knows and to receive plenty of touch and physical contact. He has the most amazing smile, a gorgeous giggle when he chooses to grace us with it, beautiful deep eyes and a wonderfully expressive face. He is my little miracle and i am thankful everyday to be blessed with a child like William and to be given so much by him, to have my life enriched by him, to learn and grow as a person just through spending time with him. William teaches me what is important in life, what really matters, what my priorities should be. He grounds me, refocuses me and makes me a better person through being his mummy. i would never wish for him to be 'normal' because the person he is is so much more than that. Children like William teach us about love, about hope, about trust, about determination, about courage, about resilience, about faith, about strength, about innocence and most of all about humanity. i wouldn't swap that for the world. Thank - you William for being the amazing little boy that you are and for choosing me to be your mummy.

A post about Finn coming up tomorrow!

** P.S. i have updated 'William's story' which you can read to find out more about him and his disability if you are new to this blog.

formspring.me #78

2011-07-27T11:12:00.002+01:00

Have you ever tried electrosex?

Sir has used the violet want on me, which i found not as scary as i expected but in some places and with some attachments it was quite intense. Also He has one of those electric muscle stimulator packs which He has used on me before, which i find more humiliating than anything else because He uses it to make me clench my buttocks etc. Electrosex isn't something i am really into, but it's not a limit or anything either.

What about health concerns related to "cleaning" your Sir after anal use?

i've answered this question before. i keep myself clean back there and often do an extra clean before a session if i know Sir intends to use me anally, or sometimes He will instruct me to do this Himself. i know it can't eliminate all the hygiene concerns, but i've never found it to be a problem so far.

What is your favourite style of food?

i like Chinese, Indian, Thai, Italian, some Mexican but the best of all is British! You just can't beat a good toad in the hole, shepherd's pie, fish and chips or roast dinner :)

Ask me anything (250 characters)

BTW, i've still got some formspring questions which i am working my way through, thanks for your patience if i haven't answered yours yet.

To the lady who asked about pregnancy issues: #1. please don't ask a question and then send another message 4 hours later demanding that i answer you. i'm not some kind of computerised robot and i do have a life beyond this blog.

#2. your question got cut off because you exceeded the word limit, so i'm not sure what you're asking, beyond knowing it's something to do with being pregnant and a slave.

#3. please feel free to ask your question again either in the comments here or on formspring, keeping within the word limit, but please be a little more patient in waiting for a response - thanks.

Why lie?

2011-07-26T08:57:00.000+01:00

When i first started going to the BDSM online chatrooms, Sir warned me that many people on there are not who they claim to be. i've come to find out just what He meant by that statement and how extensive the lying and deception can be, and to be honest it makes me sad. i've seen/ heard about people pretending to be the opposite gender or the opposite D/s persuasion (normally to get their rocks off when nobody will 'play' with them in their true identity, but sometimes with a more sinister intent such as to prey on people), people with multiple online nicks who do not own up to being all the same person (i even heard about someone's Mistress turning out to be the same person as her best subbie friend), people who are married or in a relationship in real-life who pretend not to be, people who pretend to be in a real-life D/s relationship who aren't really, people who pretend to have way more experience than they do, people who fool themselves and others that they are genuine lifestyles when really they just want a bit of naughty fun, people who lie about their appearance or age, people who make arrangements to meet others with no intention of ever showing up (sometimes people travel vast distances, spend loads of money on plane tickets, even pack up and move across the world to be with someone they think they're starting a real-life relationship with, only for the other person never to show up or contact them again), people who pretend to have done things in r/l that they never have (this becomes obvious when they have no regard for safety or when they describe scenes in an almost 'cartoon' like manner), people who are collared to multiple 'Masters' or who have multiple subs but don't tell each one about the others, and so on......

Some of the reasons for lying i kind of understand, though i still don't think it's a good idea. But some of the lies i just don't get - i guess it all boils down to fantasy and make believe; people don't have the life they want for whatever reason, so they invent it to make themselves feel better and to 'show off' to others and get admiration and attention. Which makes me feel sad for them and also for all those pulled into their lies who build up relationships with those people and genuinely believe they are who they say they are. When you make friends with someone online, get involved in their life, feel for them, spend time chatting with them and advising them and supporting them, then find out that none of what they said was real..... it makes you feel very angry and hurt and betrayed.

OK, rant over. Thanks for listening. (BTW please don't ask me why i bother going into online chats if these are the problems encountered, i've answered why i do it on other posts - thanks).

A first for libby

2011-07-24T08:56:00.000+01:00

So, Monday is our 2nd wedding anniversary, but because of needing to make arrangements for my parents to babysit for all 3 kidlets, it worked out that it would be better for everyone if me and Sir celebrated it on Friday instead. Which is fine by us, the actual date doesn't matter so much as celebrating it does.

We went out to a lovely (posh) fish restaurant that Sir has taken me to a couple of times before and i wore a new dress that i'd had in the wardrobe for a while but not gotten to wear yet - teal blue, with thin straps, finishing a little above the knee. It looked very nice and i got lots of looks when we were walking through town to the restaurant! We had a lovely meal - i had smoked salmon for starter, followed by dressed crab for mains and we shared a fruit platter dessert as i was too full up by then! I also got to drink some (rose) wine for the first time in ages as i never drink at all when pregnant or breastfeeding (both boys have been fully weaned onto formula milk for a couple of weeks now). me and Sir were very relaxed, chatting freely and laughing lots about stuff (can't remember what now), and i wasn't worried about the children because i knew they were in good hands with my parents and they would ring if there was a problem.

Afterwards Sir told me we weren't going straight home, but he drove us to the woods near our house instead, for a 'walk'. Very nice i thought, but it became clear he had something in mind as he led me straight to a certain spot away from the main path, then told me to take my dress off! i was surprised and nervous but did as i was told and we had sex there in the woods, under the stars, which was very romantic and special. i wasn't as nervous about being caught as i've always thought i would be in a situation like that, mainly because i know nobody goes into those woods at night, we were hidden away from the path and i was with Sir and concentrating on other things!

So a very special anniversary celebration for us and i get to cross another item off my 101 list: have sex outdoors!

Nakieness

2011-07-17T07:01:00.000+01:00

i have always found a certain freedom in being naked and have always been naked in certain situations (i used to sleep in the nude even before i met Sir and it became a requirement, for example, and i like to wander round the house with not many clothes on when it is hot in summer). i experience a lovely feeling of calmness and 'rightness' when able to be free in this way, dressed as nature intended me to be, and i very much doubt that i would be able to sleep well at all if i were to wear clothes in bed, especially after all this time (also the feeling of skin to skin contact with Sir or with one of the kidlets that this allows me is just so delicious).

Having said all that i am not an exhibitionist by any means and hate the thought of being seen naked by anyone except Sir (and the kidlets while they are little). i'm not one of those people who can be persuaded to flash my bits on a night out or join in 'mooning' passers by after a few drinks in the pub. i don't even get turned on by being naked in a semi-public place (like the woods) and the possibility of someone seeing me. But 'exhibitionism' and 'play outdoors' are part of my current and future training, so it's something that i'm gradually having to come to terms with. i know eventually Sir wants us to have sex outdoors, which makes me very nervous, but so far all my nudity has been confined to our back garden where there's very little chance of me being seen. It still feels somewhat freeing to be naked outside, as it does inside the house, but not as calming as i am much more nervous and hyper-aware of everything going on around me. It makes flogging interesting though, to be focusing on the pain and sensations of the flogger at the same time as looking and listening for any sign of anyone else coming.

On the subject of nakedness, it seems that Finn also appreciates the freedom of having a nakie bottom and has now worked out how to unpop the bottom of his romper suits and baby-gros so that he can pull his nappy off and be free! This is accompanied by much "glah"ing (Finn's sound that means he has achieved something extra messy or destructive or naughty), followed by much squealing as he toddles off attempting to evade my efforts to capture him and get at least a nappy back on before we have an accident on the floor to clean up. Now it's summer i guess i can let him be nakie in the garden (with plenty of sun block on), which might make him more co-operative in wearing a nappy and clothes in the house. But i still hope this is something he grows out of pretty quickly, otherwise i'm going to have to start potty-training super early with this little peanut! (William on the other hand doesn't particularly like being completely naked, but likes to have skin-to-skin contact when i snuggle with him).

Happy slave

2011-07-10T15:09:00.001+01:00

i've been feeling really tired and run down and frazzled and frustrated recently. But today has made me feel better than i have in a long time, more like my old self and more 'at peace' with myself as a slave. Sir Mark came round to do my training and Sir was able to join in for some of it, as the twins were happily napping. Not going to go into too much detail, but it involved clover clamps and chains on my nipples, running over the high beam in the barn with weights on the other end, a spreader bar on my ankles and another just above my knees with lots of bottom and pussy flogging, 'Mr Knobbly' the long bumpy glass stick being pushed in and out of my bottom and a very floaty, dripping libby enduring all this whilst 2 male subbies watched.

Sometimes all i need is a good session to get me back on track, no matter what else might be happening in my life :)

formspring.me #77

2011-07-09T08:41:00.002+01:00

As a sub, I've always been in intrigued by the idea that subs make the best Dom(me)s. What kind of Domme do you think you'd be?

i've heard that idea a lot too, mainly online in chatrooms and on blogs and stuff. i'm not sure that i really believe it, but it's hard to prove or refute or even to draw parallels from the vanilla world. It's not like saying 'those who have been children make the best parents' or 'those who have been employees make the best managers' because in those types of situations it is natural to be one before progressing to the other. i don't see that there's a natural progression from being submissive to being Dominant, in fact i see them as being opposite to each other and requiring a completely different internal nature. So to me, someone who is a good sub would make a poor Dom/me and vice-versa.

Having said that there are plenty of examples online, in chatrooms and on other blogs, of people who are switches (act in both Dom/me and sub roles as they desire) or who started off sub and then became Dom/me (or sometimes the other way round but not so often). So i know it does happen. It's just difficult for me to get my head round the fact that someone can have both sets of characteristics and both cravings/needs/desires within them to make a good sub and a good Dom/me. And i'm not at all sure that i agree that subs make the best Dom/mes. In my experience i find the best Dom/mes are those who have always had naturally Dominant characteristics within them that make them born leaders and do not possess an ounce of submissiveness. But then that's my view/experience, yours may well vary.

As for the question of what kind of Domme i would be, the answer is simple: a very poor one. i have no desire to order someone else around, to control them, to inflict pain on them, to make them carry out my every wish and desire, to deny them, to make them wait, to humiliate them, etc, etc. If ordered to Domme someone by my Sir i would try it, but think i would fail. And i could never imagine Domming my Sir, even if He told me to. It would just be so unnatural and unnerving.

Hope that answered your questions!

Ask me anything (250 characters)

formspring.me #76

2011-07-02T16:21:00.002+01:00

You don't talk as much about Sir as you used to. Is this deliberate? Are you growing apart or are you now so used to one another that there isn't much to think over on this blog?

i hadn't realised to be honest. i think it's probably due to the fact that in the beginning there was only me and Sir and i was getting to know Him better, hence all the thoughtful posts about Him. Now we are married and know each other inside out it doesn't feel like there's anything new to write about Him, though that doesn't mean that i won't answer questions about Him from curious readers! We are definitely not growing apart, in fact if anything having our children has made us closer, but at the same time they have given me other things to write about (especially William) and they occupy my thoughts as well as Sir.

Now that the twins are getting closer to being a year old, do you think you and Sir Pete will have another baby? And if it is a possibility when will you start trying?
Sir and i always said that we would have 3 or 4 children, but ideally 4. That was before having William though, and to be honest i'm so busy with the twins at the moment that i don't think having another baby would be a very good idea for any of us right now. i just don't have the energy or time to devote to another little one in addition to dealing with a bright little 3 year old, a very energetic and boisterous 10 month old and another 10 month old with complex special needs. That's not to say that we've completely ruled out the idea of having another baby sometime in the future, but we both think it's a good idea to wait till the twins are older (maybe about 3) before we seriously consider the idea again.

Was having Poppy before being married planned? Or did it just happen?
Yes and no. For some reason i suddenly got very broody and desperately wanted a baby, so i talked to Sir about it and He agreed that we would start trying. At the same time He proposed to me, which was a lovely surprise as i wasn't expecting it, but since we agreed to wait 2 years before getting married in order to prepare for it properly and since i wanted a baby asap, we agreed to let nature take its course and if our baby came along before we were married then so be it! In the end i got pregnant very quickly, so Poppy was 14 months old when we got married and was able to toddle down the aisle behind me as my flower girl. i had to lie to my parents and pretend that Poppy was an 'accident' but everyone else i know was fine with us having her before we were married.

I think it's great that your family have been so helpful with your children. Why do Sir's family not do so to the same extent? Is it because of distance or is Sir's mum continuing to have problems?
Sir's mum seems to have worked through her initial problems with William's diagnosis and now treats him just as lovingly as she does Finn and Poppy. She visits us or we visit her about once a month, with the kidlets, so they have contact with their 'Granma' quite frequently, and of course we invite her round for their birthdays, Christmas, etc. It's true that my parents and my sister look after the children much more regularly than Sir's mum does, but that was the case before the twins were born when we just had Poppy. It's partly to do with the fact that she lives further away than my family do, partly because she is older than my parents and on her own, and partly because my family have expressed much more interest in weekly contact with my kids than she has. i certainly don't want to impose on her by asking her to look after the children regularly, and i get the feeling that she wouldn't want to nor would she feel comfortable doing so. But that's fine with me.

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Father and son

2011-06-20T18:26:00.000+01:00

All weekend i was in a bit of a funk, much as i was for the whole of the past week to be honest. Nothing in particular has happened to make me that way, besides the usual William seizures and ignorant comments from the general public. i couldn't even be bothered to write a 'Happy Fathers Day' post on here yesterday, though i did make sure to help Sir celebrate His special day and enjoy it with the kidlets.

Sir is a great Dad to all 3 of our children and makes sure to give them equal amounts of his time and attention, whilst still catering for their individual needs and differences. He is the type of Dad who will spend hours making a treehouse in the garden or teaching a little one how to ride a bike. He is the type of Dad who will stand in the rain every weekend to support his children in their local football matches and will take the afternoon off work to cheer for his kids at the school Sports Day. He is the type of Dad who kisses boo-boos away and lulls the kidlets to sleep with his bedtime stories. He is the type of Dad who always takes the time to tuck each and every child into bed and kisses them goodnight, no matter how tired he may be himself. He is the type of Dad who encourages the kids to join in with cooking the dinner or washing the car or doing the gardening and makes it so much fun that they don't even realise they are learning valuable life skills. He is the type of Dad who leads by example and never lets his temper get the better of him, never uses bad words in front of the children and always treats people with kindness and respect. He is the type of Dad who gives praise when it is due, encouragement when it is needed, chastisement when it is deserved and cuddles and kisses frequently and generously. He is exactly the type of Dad i would want for my children and i am so proud to have Him as my husband.

Happy Fathers Day Sir and thank you for all your support with the children. i couldn't do it without You!

In other news, Finn has achieved a major milestone today. He can now walk independently without holding onto the furniture or a person! i've known for a while now that he was close to achieving this, but am still super proud of my lil peanut for perfecting this skill, especially as he is only 10 months old! Finn is also very pleased with himself, and there was plenty of "glah" ing as he walked across the lounge carpet from each piece of furniture into my arms. Of course he had to repeat the performance for Poppy when she got back from nursery and for Sir when He came in from work and he kept walking over to William and beaming at him as if to say "Look at me!". Finn sometimes gets a thoughtful look on his face when he does something which William can't do, such as playing with toys, cruising or crawling (and now walking), saying words, etc. It's almost as if he's wondering why his brother isn't doing the same as him. And he's always encouraging William to try to copy him, in his own little way, by taking toys over to him and holding them out for William to take (and then when he doesn't he'll leave them next to William or on top of him!), babbling away to William frequently and pausing for a response just as he does when he has 'chats' with me, crawling or cruising or walking round the room, then calling "Woo woo!" to try to entice William to follow him. In a way it's very sweet but in another way it's a bit sad. But i try not to dwell on that part.

Well done Finn for your fantastic achievement, Mummy is so proud of you! xxx

Rules

2011-06-12T15:34:00.000+01:00

Quite a few other bloggers have been posting about rules recently, most of them saying that they don't have lists of rules as slaves, that they're glad that they don't and that they regard such rules as petty and unrealistic and more associated with 'wanabee' fantasists than those truly living the lifestyle. i'm not sure if they really meant to say all that, but that's how i've interpreted what's been said. And the bit that's hit me hardest is the fact that the list of rules they're all being most critical about, the '128 basic slave rules' which can be widely found on the internet, is what my rules are based on. Sir read through that document, among others, took bits of it, adapted it and added to it and produced my first set of rules for when i was initially collared by Him (though i then had 70 rules, not 128). Since then my rules have been updated, due to our changing circumstances and as things happened which meant Sir needed to personalise them even further to our needs. But i can't get away from the fact that the type of rules i had, and still have, are precisely the type of rules which have come in for so much criticism of late on other blogs.

Before i go any further, i'm going to give you a link to the 128 Basic Slave Rules which i'm talking about: here and also to my rules (the first set i was given): here, so you can compare them. Yes there's differences and yes my rules are obviously personalised to me (and in my opinion some of the more silly or unrealistic rules have been omitted from the version my Sir devised, such as '#3. i worship my Master', '#61. my Master will decide what my sexual orientation shall be' or '#89. i will not wear a pad or tampon when i am on my period without His permission'.) But for some reason all this talk of unrealistic rules has left me feeling very vulnerable. i'm not questioning the solidity of mine and Sir's relationship, neither am i questioning the reality of our roles, i'm not even questioning how useful the rules have been for me or whether i really needed them, because i know that i did and i wouldn't have become the slave i am without them. Even today when it's not possible for me to follow all the rules i used to, due to commitments with the children, i still need to have a set of rules in order to feel like His slave and to know what is expected of me. Yes i have internalised His expectations by now, so i could survive without the physical written down rules, but if He took them away tomorrow i would still automatically abide by them because i know that's how He wishes me to behave.

i guess i'm just surprised that a fundamental element of our M/s relationship, one i rely on and need and value so much is so laughed at and frowned upon and derided by some others that up until now i have looked up to and respected. It doesn't give me a very good feeling inside to know this or to read the comments from others about how it's usually 'newbie', deluded, fantasist, game-playing, rose-tinted people who think these types of rules are a good idea and that once people enter into a proper real-life M/s relationship they soon realise that these types of rules are neither practical nor valuable. Especially now that i'm already feeling fragile and wondering what the future of our relationship will be due to the difficulties of looking after 3 young children, one of whom has complex special needs, i guess it doesn't do much to reassure me and it makes me question myself even more :(

That's it for now.

Is it good news or bad?

2011-06-12T07:31:00.000+01:00

When i woke up this morning and went through to collect the twins for their first feed of the day (both of them still nurse at about 6am every morning, which is a lovely relaxed way to start each day together), i could hear a bit of a commotion coming from their room. i hurried in there to see what was happening and the first thing i saw was Finn standing up in his cot to look over into William's (nothing unusual there, it's how i usually find him when he's woken up), making his "Glah!" noise over and over again. Now, Finn's "Glah!" seems to be a word made up by him for the sole purpose of drawing attention to particularly spectacular messes or naughty things he manages to do. He says it with great pride, almost as if he's meaning "Look what i've done!" and he's always very surprised that i don't seem to share in his pride about those situations. So i quickly turned my attention to William, who was the focus of Finn's "Glah"ing and was greeted by the sight of him laying in his cot covered in poo.

It seems that dear little William had discovered the sensory joys of his own poo in the night and proceeded to empty his nappy of its contents by smearing it over himself, his bedding and his cot. Which Finn found a very impressive feat, hence all the "Glah"ing to congratulate William. (i actually found myself telling Finn "don't encourage him!", which looking back on it seems a funny thing to say to a 10 month old baby, but made sense to me at the time). After i'd got William and his cot cleaned up and his bedding in the wash and new bedding put on and both boys were happily nursing as i snuggled back in bed, i pondered some more on this incident and realised it can be viewed in 2 ways:

- good news! William has found a sensory experience that he enjoys (and so far there aren't that many of them) and not only has he discovered it for himself but he has also opened his hands up independently and kept them that way for quite some time in order to better spread this substance around and feel it properly.

- bad news! William has discovered the sensory joys of his own poo and made an awful mess with it and is likely to keep trying to get his hands into his nappy to spread it around everytime from now on.

Obviously i don't want to waste this opportunity to encourage William to explore with his hands (and flat hands at that!), but i'd rather not have him playing with his poo and i don't want Finn to pick up on the habit either, so i've come up with a plan:
1. get some clay today and mix it with water to make the exact same texture as his poo was and then provide William with plenty of opportunities to explore this substance instead.
2. make sure he can't access his nappy anymore by changing the way i dress him (he was wearing a baby-gro type thing last night which allowed him to put his hands inside the leg holes straight into the sides of his nappy), so that his legs are always covered.

You know what? Reading back this post it strikes me how calm i was about the whole thing really and how you have to be a mummy of a child with special needs to be able to see the positive side of them smearing with poo!

Another Finn post

2011-06-06T07:50:00.000+01:00

Finn seems to grow and learn new skills absolutely every day and it's only a matter of time before he takes his first steps now. With William, i am so proud of each and every little step he takes in his development, but it's easier to keep track of his progress as it's so slow and gradual. With Finn it seems like he literally changes every hour of every day and even keeping track of which words he can say or which skills he's accomplished is an ongoing task and i feel like he's growing up too fast. That's not to say that i'm not proud of him, because i am immensly so, but i just wish he could be a little baby for longer.

Anyway, with that said i wanted to write another post on Finn's development so i can have it on record where he's at right now. i posted a while back that he was crawling (which he can do very fast now!) and cruising round the furniture and he's perfected those skills to be able to move very fast when he wants to. He's also walking pushing his wagon with the long handle and will let go of the furniture and stand for several seconds on his own before grabbing hold again (or falling onto his bottom, but that doesn't deter him) so i feel sure he'll be taking his first independent steps soon, which feels way too early considering he's not even 10 months old yet.

Finn has turned into a mini whirlwind, wreaking destruction and havoc through the house, as his latest game is 'let's pull everything out and heap it in a great big pile on the floor'. To find where Finn is at any given time all you have to do is follow these piles (of books from the bookcase, DVDs from the shelf, laundry from the basket, shopping from the bags yet to be unpacked, toys from the twins' boxes, stationery from the mug i keep on the table in the lounge, pot pourri from an ornament, all the furniture and dolls from Poppy's doll house.....) and then round the corner you'll bump into Finn in the process of pulling the CDs from the rack and he'll hear you coming and say "Fiiiiiiii!" (in exactly the tone of voice i use when telling him off) and then turn and give you the cheekiest grin ever, so it's impossible to be cross with him. He also says "no no" now to tell himself not to do something, then do it anyway, "Mum", "Dada", "Woo woo" (William) and "Poop" (Poppy!) to call us all by name correctly, "Fiiiiiii" his own name, but only when he's done something naughty, "ooooo-va" (hoover) he loves hoovers, "ca" (car) for any moving vehicle - cars, trucks, trains, even planes, another favourite of his, "ook" (look) whilst pointing to something he wants or likes, "baba" for bottle, bath or ball, they all sound the same at the moment and once or twice he's said "hi!". Finn's speech development is a little different to how Poppy's was as he babbles long strings of sounds, more and more of which are becoming understandable to me, rather than saying single intelligible words as Poppy did. i don't know whether it's the twin thing, where twins are known to babble in their own private language, because Finn definitely babbles more to William and looks at him for a reply. He's also signing some words, but doesn't seem to be picking up any new signs now that he's speaking (or now that we're understanding some of his speech) and he now only uses his signs if he doesn't have a spoken word for something yet, which again is different to Poppy who used signs as well as speech for quite some time.

Finn's personality is definitely coming out more now and though he is still a laid back, patient, tolerant and cheerful little peanut, his mischevious and cheeky side is coming out more and more. He just wants to be into everything, exploring and making a mess, not in a naughty way but in a boisterous, excitable, can't wait to see what happens here way. And when he creates an especially big mess or manages to reach something new or discovers a new way of creating havoc, he'll sit back and survey the chaos he's created and utter a sound which he never makes at any other time: "Glah!", which seems to mean "look what i've done". He honestly is so proud of himself at these times that it's hard to be cross with him. We have thought about moving every single item out of reach, so there's no longer any books/DVDs/CDs/etc where he can get them, but to be honest i don't want to live in a house like that, we've baby-proofed it to the extent there's nothing dangerous he can get hold of and i'd rather he got this tendency out of his system now than carried on when he's a toddler. So we'll just live in a whirlwind for rhe present time, gently rebuking Finn for all his messes but inwardly feeling pleased at the progress which means he's able to get himself to these places and use his hands to pull out things, grateful for his curiosity which makes him want to explore and in awe of his amazing language skills which help him to express himself everyday. If William can learn even a fraction of those skills i'll be happy.

Formspring.me #75

2011-05-31T08:30:00.002+01:00

Does your Sir have all the passwords to your online accounts (such as blogs and IRC) or are those allowed to be private?

Yes He does, but He currently only uses them when there's a real need (such as when He posted info on here about me giving birth, or when William was taken into hospital, etc.) i don't see any problem with Him having the passwords to my online accounts and emails, it's not like any of it is hidden from Him anyway as He will read them whenever He wants to and often asks me who i have been chatting to on IRC, what we talked about, etc. As a slave i am so used to being open and honest with Him about everything that i would usually tell Him about a problem on the chatroom or a nasty email i received or a controversial blogpost i'd written before He found out for Himself anyway.

What political party did you vote for in the last election and why? Or, if you didn't vote, why not?
i know there are some Masters out there who tell their slaves which party to vote for or ban them from voting altogether. my Sir could do that if He wanted, but He sees no reason to and leaves it down to me whether i vote or not and who to vote for if i do. i haven't voted in the last few elections because i'm not really interested in politics, don't have a strong opinion on which party is better than another and don't particularly trust any of them anyway as they all lie just to get into power and then go back on their promises once they get in.

Did you go to university?
i considered going to train as a teacher, but then went into nursery nursing instead and got childcare qualifications on the job.

Given the age difference between the two of you, has your Sir lived with, been married or had any children before your current relationship?

Sir has lived with girlfriends (vanilla) and subs/slaves before, but never been married before (never been engaged to anyone else either) and does not have any children apart from the 3 we have together. i think because He discovered His Dominant side fairly young He focused on those types of relationships, so didn't go down the traditional move in together, get married, have kids line until later on in His life (with me!)

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Half a million!

2011-05-31T08:15:00.000+01:00

This morning when i checked on my blog i noticed that the little hit counter near the bottom had clicked over the magical 500,000 mark at some point in the night. 500,000 hits on this humble little blog! Halfway to a million! i know there's other BDSM blogs out there with way more hits than that, but for little ol' me it's quite an achievement to know that so many people have visited here and had a look around, read some posts, maybe left a comment and perhaps even some of them will have left with a slightly better view of TTWD than when they arrived? Maybe?

When i first started this blog, back in 2006 now, i was a new submissive and just finding my feet and beginning the 'proper' part of my relationship with Sir. This blog began as an extension of the paper journal which Sir required me to keep (and still does), as a way of recording all my thoughts and experiences in a more accessible way, and a means of getting support and advice from the online BDSM community. So much has changed since then (we got married, had kids, etc.) and i've changed a lot as a person and as a slave, but this blog has adapted to fit those changes, it's expanded to incorporate all the new parts of being libby and when i compare the types of posts i write now to those i wrote way back in the beginning, i actually prefer the more recent ones. Of course that doesn't mean that my readers will and there may well be stuff i'm posting about or elements of my sidebar that people really aren't interested in. Conversely there may be stuff that people think is really good but i don't do enough of it, or stuff i don't currently write about or include on this blog that people wish i would.

So here's your chance to have your say! Please feel free to send me an email, leave a comment or vote in my poll and let me know which features of this blog are your favourites, the ones you read the most, the types of post you're most interested in, what you think i could get rid of and anything you'd like to see me add here - it could be a gadget, a sidebar feature, a type of post, whatever you want. And i'll consider all the comments and votes and see if i can start making my way towards that 1 million hits mark!

Thank you to everyone who visits and reads here, but especially those who take the time to comment and vote and email and use the LineBuzz feature, because it's feedback from people like you that inspires me to keep writing like i do, even when life gets busy and hectic!

I had a dream......

2011-05-30T10:30:00.001+01:00

..... in the middle of the night that Sir was pushing His cock into my ass and i was gradually opening up to Him and it felt so good.....

..... then i woke up and realised that Sir was leaning over me as i lay on my tummy and He was gradually pushing His cock into my ass and i could feel the lube between my cheeks and it felt so good.....

..... and i lay there under Him in the middle of the night, sleepy and still while He took my ass and i just submitted to it and opened up for Him and let it happen and enjoyed the sensations of being so full and it felt so good.....

..... afterwards He pulled out and had me clean Him with my mouth and then i felt Him slide a towel under me and He whispered "good girl" in my ear and stroked my hair and told me to go back to sleep and i drifted back to sleep in His arms with His cum slowly oozing out of my bottom and it felt so good.....

..... and i returned to the dream where Sir was using my ass for His pleasure and i could feel how big He felt inside me and how full and stretched He made me, yet i was relaxed and letting it all happen because it just felt so good.....

..... this morning i woke up and remembered the dream(s) i had in the night about being taken in the ass by Sir and i remembered how good it had felt in the dream and i smiled and turned over to tell Sir about the dream and then found the towel under me and realised it hadn't just been a dream, it had really happened too, and the knowledge that Sir will take me and use me as and when He wants made me feel so good.

Demo-subbie

2011-05-29T10:37:00.002+01:00

So yesterday was the big day and it was time for me to do my first bit of 'demo-subbing' at a play party. i was nervous, partly at leaving the twins for the first time together in the care of someone else (my mum and my sister), partly at being on show in front of so many people and partly at not knowing what would be expected of me, but also excited because i was getting to submit properly and fully for a whole 2 hours!

We arrived at the venue early and i met the Dom running the stall i was to demo-sub for. He was really nice and talked me through all His products:

nipple shields (non-piercing)

floggers (many different kinds and sizes and colours)

paddles

slappers

crops

..... and many other goodies! i was asked to strip and put on a pair of 'flower' nipple shields, then given a stack of leaflets with which to circulate and hand out to people as they started arriving. i felt very self-conscious at first but once other people came and stripped off and i saw what (little) they were wearing i soon forgot about the fact that i was naked except for a small metal flower around each nipple! When i had given out most of the leaflets i returned to the stall and waited for my next duties and it didn't take long for people (mainly Dom/mes but some subs too) to come over and start asking questions and looking at the products. i guess the leaflets must have mentioned a 'demo sub' (i didn't read them) because several of the Doms were asking to try out the equipment and glancing at me as if to say 'Is it her?', so i was put into position holding onto the end of the table while several of the floggers were tried out on my bottom. After that everything gets a bit blurry because it seemed like one thing after another was tried out on me, mainly on my bottom but some on my pussy and thighs as well, a couple on my bewbies (gently because i am still nursing) and a couple on my back. And the sensations kind of blurred into each other, though i'm told i did a good job of feeding back on how the different implements felt and describing them in terms of 'thuddiness' or 'stinginess' and rating them on a scale of 1-10 when asked. And there was much swapping of nipple shields to see which looked best and many Doms wanted to practice putting them on and taking them off, so that my nipples were really quite tender by the end of the evening!

The 2 hours went by really quickly and then all of a sudden the next sub was there ready to take over from me and the Dom running the stall was thanking me and saying what a good job i had done and telling me to pick out a pair of nipple shields to take home as a thank-you present! So i chose some sunshine/flame ones a bit like in the picture above and got dressed and Sir led me out to the car and gave me some snacks and a drink and checked me over and we spent some time snuggling before driving home. The kidlets had all been absolutely fine and Finn and William had drunk their milk from their various containers (Finn = bottle, William = open cup with help) without any fuss and gone to sleep with no problems and Poppy had been a little angel as usual. i wasn't sure if i was going to suddenly crash down into subdrop on getting home because i had a vulnerable and needy stage, but got through that with some hugging and petting from Sir and more snacks to keep my energy levels up. my bottom and thighs and pussy and nipples were quite tender all night and i can still feel them today if i sit or move in certain ways. And there are some mottled marks on various places of my body, but nothing too much.

Overall i'm glad i did it and Sir is very pleased with me, so a positive experience for my first try at demo-subbing!

formspring.me #74

2011-05-22T09:29:00.002+01:00

Hello. This question is for both you and your husband to ponder. Since you are your husband's 'woman', shall we say owned by him, do you think it is appropriate for him to expose your naked body to other people? It is normally not the done thing.

i'm not sure 'appropriate' is the right word to use here. As a slave i don't really have a say in what happens to me, therefore it isn't up to me to say what it 'appropriate' or not. i guess i could say some behaviours would be 'inappropriate' such as requiring me to walk naked down the high-street or rob a shop or anything that means i would get into trouble with the law or expose the public to things they don't want to see. But anything else is down to the wishes of my Sir. And yes i have been exposed naked to other people (at my collaring, at play parties, during training, at BDSM dinner parties) etc. It's not something i would have chosen to do voluntarily, but it's not something which causes me a huge problem either as i know Sir is keeping me safe and i won't come to any harm.

P.S. Sir decided not to answer this question.

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Poppy's party

2011-05-22T09:07:00.002+01:00

Poppy turns 3 on Wednesday (25th May), but we had her party yesterday as it's much easier to arrange these things for weekends. When asked what she wanted for her party she said "cake, icecream, sharks" so we decided to hold it at the Sealife Centre and invited 9 of her friends from nursery and other places along. With Poppy, Finn and William that made a total of 12 young kidlets and we'd already made the decision that parents didn't have to stay with their children, so we took on quite a challenge! Luckily we had plenty of help - my friend Victoria offered to look after the boys, Sir was there to assist, my mum and sister came along to help as did Sir's mum, so we had one adult to every two children.

In the end they were all really well behaved, apart from one incident where a little girl got terrified of 'Snorkel the Shark', a mascot who came to visit the party and lead some games, and another little boy peed his pants in the middle of 'musical bumps'! But otherwise it went really well and all the kids had a great time. There was a party room set aside for us, with food and drink provided (including a beautiful cake, and yes there was icecream too!), time for songs and games with Snorkel the Shark and another member of staff, a special touch-pool discovery encounter where the kids were allowed to hold lots of the creatures and ask questions about them, and plenty of time to look round the centre and go in the shop. Poppy was in her element, showing her friends the different types of fish she knows and spending lots of time in the underwater tunnel watching the sharks swim above. Finn loved looking at all the different fish and even William enjoyed parts of it (especially the jellyfish which were lit up from behind so he could see them really well), though he did have to spend some time outside when he got grizzly.

We gave Poppy her presents yesterday too - we got her a baby bunny as a pet now that she is old enough to help take care of it. We went on Friday night to a house fairly near here, where a litter of rabbits was born a few months ago and are now ready to be rehomed. Poppy was allowed to choose which bunny she wanted and she chose well - it's a little boy bunny (who has been named 'Cookie') looking similar to this:

She got a painting easel and art set from her brothers, and lots of other lovely presents from her friends and family. A special thank-you to one lovely friend we made through this blog who sent us an e-voucher again for the childrens' birthdays: we got Poppy a 'Peppa Pig' play house with her portion of the money, which she absolutely loves :) On her actual birthday we're having her Nanny and Grampy and her Grandma over for a family tea, chosen by Poppy herself.

Happy birthday to my Poppy poppet - i'm so proud of the beautiful little girl you've become and wish you much happiness this year xxxx

subbie boys

2011-05-14T17:45:00.001+01:00

i have nothing against submissive men/ subbie boys and infact i have come to admire several of them who i have gotten to know better through the P&H chatrooms or through other blogs. But it seems to me in general that there are few less 'decent' submissive boys out there than there are submissive girls and that the two groups generally tend to have different reasons for getting involved in the lifestyle. i know i am stereotyping and over-generalising here and i don't mean to offend or upset anyone, but i'll try to explain what i mean.

Firstly let me state that i have no problem with the idea of a man being submissive, unlike some others in the lifestyle (notably some Goreans) who seem to think that the 'natural' way of things is for Men to be Dominant and women to be submissive so there is something inherently wrong in it being the other way round. i am not one of them. But i have noticed that there appear to be many more subbie boys than Dommes, at least online, whereas the numbers of submissive females and male Doms seems much more equal. Maybe i just hang out in the wrong rooms, but that's the trend i've seen. Also most of the subbie boys i've seen online seem to be much more into the 'bottoming' role rather than true submission or slavery - it's much more about kinky play or sex, what they can get out of it, rather than an internal need to submit to the control of another. Or that's the way it comes across. Sit in the chatroom and observe the subbie boys who come in and you'll find that most of them are unable or unwilling to follow the room rules without being constantly prompted and reminded, that they crave immediate and constant attention from any Domme who happens to be in the room at the time, that they're always thinking with their little head (or their cock as it's more commonly known) asking about whether they can indulge in whatever their fetish happens to be, and that they're very much in it for the sex side and make frequent references to this. It all comes across as rather shallow and pointless, so it's no wonder that most Dommes steer well clear of the majority of the subbie boys who hang about online. Another thing i've noticed is that these boys tend not to be picky about who carries out their fetish or meets their kinky desires, so they're quite happy for a subbie girl to play with their cock or let them lick their toes or whatever else they happen to fantasise about, whereas most subbie girls are looking for the control of being used by a Dominant, not just getting their kinky rocks off with anyone with a pulse.

Perhaps you think i've painted an unfair picture here and to some extent i know i have, but it still remainst true to what i've seen happen time and time again online. i do know of examples of online and real-life D/s couples where the subbie boy is into it for the pleasure of serving and obeying his Domme, but it seems that these boys are very few and far between, especially when compared to the many genuine female subs and slaves out there. Not that there's anything wrong with being into it purely for the kink and the sexual gratification, just pointing out an observation. And comments, as always, are welcome :)

subdrop

2011-05-08T15:13:00.000+01:00

i have experienced a form of subdrop after particularly intense scenes before, normally ones involving high levels of sustained pain. But usually it involves a floaty, dreamy, not quite connected feeling where i get very quiet and feel very small and just want to snuggle with Sir for a while. And then i am fine.

Today i had some training with Sir Mark as is now usual for a Sunday morning, involving some humiliation, some exhibitionism and some pain, but nothing any more extreme than in previous weeks. Afterwards i felt fine and had a bit of a snuggle with Sir, a snack and a drink, and then collected the twins from their cots when they woke from their naps and carried on with the day. But then a couple of hours later, after lunch, i suddenly started feeling upset, worried, hurt, vulnerable and very unsure. i waited until the twins were busy playing on the floor and Poppy was happily making 'fishies' out of playdough at the kitchen table, and then i quietly whispered in Sir's ear that i was struggling (and then burst into tears). Sir was very good and made time to snuggle with me on the sofa, quietly talking through my training from the morning, reassuring me that i am still special and beautiful to Him, telling me how well i have been doing, generally just taking care of me. After about 30minutes i was feeling much more composed and ready to look at Poppy's creations and play with Finn and William.

i think this is the first time i have ever 'crashed' down so hard after a session and the fact that it wasn't immediate but several hours later was kind of scary, because it is difficult to plan for those kind of contingencies when we have a busy family life to fit our play and training sessions around. But today's experience has shown me that Sir is able to deal with these kinds of problems if and when they do occur, that He can provide me with lovely aftercare any time it is needed, that He is sensitive to my needs and feelings and that we can get through these issues without affecting our children. Some people doubt that subdrop exists, but having experienced it in several different forms now i know it does!

That Finn baby

2011-05-07T16:57:00.000+01:00

.... as Poppy calls him is turning out to be a very bright little button indeed! It seems that everyday he learns a new skill and does something to surprise us, and maybe because of having William as a twin it makes him seem super advanced in comparison. i try not to let it hurt my heart everytime Finn does something new, takes the next step in his development, or learns another skill, because i want to be happy for Finn and allow him to be the person he needs to be, without holding him back. Yet at the same time it is becoming more and more obvious just how delayed William is and will continue to be, despite his own achievements and progress so far.

But i want this post to be about Finn, and to be a happy one celebrating the wonderful little person he is. Finn is not even 9 months old yet and already he is crawling proficiently (and very quickly too when he sees something he wants to get to), pulling himself up to standing on anything and everything available, getting himself from a standing to a sitting position independently and is beginning to cruise around holding onto the furniture or his push-along truck toy. It doesn't seem that long ago that he was just laying on the floor, practicing pushing up on his arms or rolling over, and now here he is getting ready to take his first independent steps!

Finn's personality is also emerging more and more as the weeks go by, and he is turning out to be an inquisitive, alert, cheeky and mischevious little bean, with a constant glint in his eye which says "hmmmm I wonder what will happen if I do this......?". I can see him being quite a handful as he gets older, but already he has the ability to win me round with a cute grin and a proud "glah!" sound, which seems to mean "look what I did!". Finn loves books, bubbles, music, anything which makes lots of noise, balls and moving vehicle toys such as cars, trains and trucks. For some reason he finds 'Sesame Street' hilarious and will sit and giggle for ages at the different muppets moving and speaking and singing. He also loves exploring new things and finding out what he can do with them, and will proudly repeat an action over and over, delighting in knowing that he has made something happen. i can see him being a very avid student and loving to learn new things at nursery and school when he is older :)

Finn is also a very happy, placid and laid-back boy who clearly has a special bond with William and really looks out for him. Finn will always cry if William has a seizure and he spends lots of time during the day babbling away to him, reaching out for him, holding his hand or his arm, looking for where he is, crawling over to check on him, handing him toys and books to look at, generally spending time with his twin brother. The boys sleep in separate cots now but the first thing Finn does on waking is to pull himself up to look over into William's cot and check he is OK, and the first thing he does on waking from a nap or returning to the room after being taken for a nappy change etc. is to look for William and reassure himself that everything is fine with his brother. He is such a sweetie in that respect and so patient with all the extra time that William takes up because of his medical and therapy needs. He also adores his big sister Poppy and loves all the attention she gives him. The two of them will chatter away to each other for ages, and love to 'sing' together or look at books and pictures, and Finn's absolute favourite activity right now is when Poppy brings her toys or puppets and puts on a little show for him.

i hope you can tell from this post how incredibly proud i am of Finn and how smart and cute and adorable he is. i feel very lucky to have him, as well as William and of course Poppy, and i am going to try my hardest to ensure he has everything he needs in order to have a happy and enriching childhood and reach his full potential, without being held back by virtue of the fact his twin is disabled. i hope he never comes to resent William, but always loves him and looks out for him and helps him. Thank-you for reading :)

formspring.me #73

2011-05-01T09:52:00.002+01:00

Do you think that a person who gets gratification out of controlling, psychologically manipulating, physically hurting and "owning" another person is a mentally stable person? DO you think that this reflects a sane mindset or do you think such a person re

Firstly i'm afraid your question was too long and got cut off, so you're welcome to post the rest of it in a comment or something, but for now i'll answer what i can see:

To start with i would think it's fairly obvious that i do think that Sir is a 'mentally stable' person and that His actions reflect a 'sane mindset', otherwise i would not be married to Him, living with Him, have given over all control to Him and certainly would not have had children by Him. So i'm guessing what you really mean by this question is that *you* don't think a person who gets gratification out of controlling, psychologically manipulating, physically hurting and "owning" another person is mentally stable and has a sane mindset and therefore you find it hard to understand why someone like me would choose to enter into a relationship with such a person. Which is fair enough, we're all entitled to our own opinions and to choose our own lifestyle, but that includes me as well.

i am entitled to weigh up the pros and cons and choose to become a slave, i am entitled to make the decision to give away all control of my life to another, i am entitled to bring my children up within a marriage which happens to be one of Master/slave even though they are not exposed to that, i am entitled to enjoy and benefit from, need and crave and desire to be hurt and used and controlled by the Man i love. i do not look at the decisions you have made in your life, or the person you may be in a relationship with, and question whether they are good choices or that person is mentally stable because i don't think it's any of my business. i believe i have shown through my blog that i am happy and fulfilled in my relationship, that my children are safe and well looked after, and indeed that my Sir is a good and decent human being, so there is no need for concern.

i believe that it takes all sorts to make the world, that people will naturally have different personalities and characteristics, enjoy different things, enter into different forms of relationships, etc. A small percentage of those people are truly "bad" or mentally unstable or insane, and a small percentage of those relationships are abusive and detrimental to one or both participants. But my Sir and our relationship together do not fall into those categories. There are people in this world who are natural leaders and those who are natural followers - does that mean that those who get gratification out of controlling others through their job (e.g. by being a manager, policeman, prison officer, even a teacher) are mentally unstable? That those who enjoy "owning" animals as pets are somehow insane? How far do you take that theory? In my opinion Dominants like my Sir are towards one end of the scale in that they choose to exert their natural inclination to control and lead and extend it into all areas of their life including their marriage/personal relationships *with a consenting other*. If you look at the animal world there's many parallels to be drawn there with dominant males, pack leaders, etc. so it's a very natural way to be.

i hope that's answered your question. Please leave a comment if you wish.

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Words and terms

2011-04-30T16:39:00.000+01:00

One of my rules is that i should not use bad language, which i am actually quite glad about because i hate swearing and certain words just make me cringe inside. On the chatrooms i visit i often hear others using words which i would never use myself, and sometimes the Doms call me by certain terms which i don't feel apply to me.

Example of such words and terms are: fuck, slut, bitch, whore, cunt. i find all of these words offensive and see no reason for them to be used, except i guess if someone is trying to make the other person feel worthless or to express a strong (negative) feeling about someone or something. This is part of the reason i don't use these words myself and don't appreciate them being used towards me, because i view them in a negative light so to have them used to describe me makes me think that person must have a negative opinion of me or want to hurt me emotionally. i know that some people find it hot to "talk dirty" or to be called such terms and names, but i'm not one of them.

However as part of my humiliation training both online and in real-life, i am finding that i am required to use words and terms which otherwise i would avoid, and that these terms are being applied to me. So far i have been able to deal with it, but i wouldn't exactly say i feel comfortable about it and i still cringe everytime i hear or have to say one of these terms. i guess that might make me seem quite pathetic, but then words are a powerful thing and certain words just make me feel worthless and not in a good way. But i'll persevere and see if something good can come of these words and terms, perhaps make me into a better and stronger slave if i am able to accept them?

A special day

2011-04-29T16:43:00.000+01:00

Today Britain (and apparently a lot of the rest of the world) sat and watched - in London or at home - while Prince William got married to Kate Middleton.

It was a National bank holiday here, so we'd made plans for Sir, i and Poppy to watch the ceremony together at home, with the twins joining in when they wanted. i cooked us all a traditional English breakfast this morning and then we all settled down in front of the TV at 8:00am when the BBC coverage started. To be honest i didn't expect Poppy to show much interest until the actual ceremony, but she was there on the sofa right the way through, waving the flag she'd made at nursery and making comments about things she could see. Finn and William joined us for the ceremony and were really good at keeping calm and quiet so the rest of us could hear what was going on. Poppy was absolutely enthralled for the whole of the ceremony, listening quietly to everything that went on, and Finn loved the parts where the trumpeters played and sang along with them! Even William got a sense of the occasion and listened to some of the songs, though definitely preferring 'Jerusalem' to the other hymns chosen. Poppy's favourite parts though were the ceremonial processions back to Buckingham Palace, where she cheered excitedly as we saw the open-top carriages and the soldiers on horses, and all the marching bands. We had an English tea-party as we watched, with tea and scones and cream and jam, and it was really lovely to be part of that with my little family, and something i will remember forever.

i thought the whole ceremony was really lovely and Kate looked absolutely beautiful in her dress (though her flowers weren't great). i think she coped really well with all the pressure on her and performed her parts well, as did her brother who gave a reading and her sister who was the chief bridesmaid. All the little bridesmaids and page boys were really sweet and beautifully behaved, and it was really nice to see the whole royal family together and appreciate the ancient traditions involved. i know some people say the royals are outdated now and it's foolish to still have a monarchy, but i think they do a great job for our country and i love all the pomp and regalia that goes with them. i wish William and Catherine (as she is now to be called - or the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge to give them their official titles) every happiness together and look forward to seeing their first child together which i'm sure will be born sometime next year!

Happy Easter!

2011-04-24T10:01:00.002+01:00

Happy Easter everyone! i hope you have a great day, eat lots, get lots of chocolate and spend time with those you love.

This morning we are joining the Easter egg hunt round the village, which is always lots of fun, then coming back home for Easter dinner (roast turkey with all the trimmings, and lemon cupcakes for pudding) joined by my mum and dad (we did invite Sir's mum too but she is having dinner elsewhere). Then there'll be even more chocolate eggs exchanged and we'll all probably eat too much this afternoon and go on a walk in the woods to enjoy the beautiful weather we've been having recently. Later on Poppy and i will decorate eggs and boil them for tea, as is our custom on this day, and then Sir will read her some stories and tuck her into bed, nicely full.

In other news, Sir has given me some new rituals to carry out each day to help keep me focused as His slave whilst much of my training has needed to be put on hold. You can read them in the appendix to the rules, but i'll also post them here:

Shower ritual: i am to put three wooden clothespegs onto each pussy lip before getting into the shower and leave them there until stepping out to dry myself. Should i need to shave my pussy, i am allowed to remove the pegs for this procedure but this should be done at the end of my shower.

Contemplation ritual: at some point every day i am required to set aside 20 minutes when i will not be disturbed to kneel quietly and contemplate the question or quotation my Master has given me that morning. Sometimes i will be required to discuss with my Master the results of my thinking, or to post them onto my blog.

Evening ritual: once the children are in bed i am to strip naked and put on my nipple danglers whilst using the online chatroom. i should stay like this until bedtime, when i can request permission for them to be removed.

Special ritual: on some days my Master will tell me i must complete a special ritual at some point during the course of that day. This requires me to choose one of the following activities:

1. use a ballpoint pen to write the 'i am Your servant' quotation onto the sole of each foot, so that it is legible.

2. place 2 pan scourers between my pussy lips and keep them there for 20 minutes (using panties if necessary).

3. use the muscle stimulator machine on my bottom as my Master has shown me, on setting 4 or 5 for 20 minutes.

4. wear the vibrating nipple clamps with weights for 15 minutes.

5. sit on the front door mat with a bare bottom for 15 minutes.

6. melt 3 icecubes completely, using just my pussy.

i must take photographs of the task and show them to my Master that evening, and i should be prepared to write about it on my blog if instructed. Sometimes my Master will have the choice made for me by rolling a dice in His presence before He goes to work.

(i had to add these onto my rules page myself, so sorry if they're not quite as clear as the rest of the rules which my Sir wrote, though i did try to keep them in the same style as His, i hope they're clear enough to be understood).
To be honest i'm feeling a bit "meh" about these new rituals at the moment, they just seem like a lot of bother and i'm worried i will forget one or be too busy to complete it. But we'll see how it goes - i'm due to start them on Tuesday after the bank holiday weekend.

Sad

2011-04-23T09:54:00.000+01:00

i received the news last night that my nan (Dad's mum) has died. She lived a good life - she was 100 last year and remained in her own home right up to the end (with help for cleaning and cooking), but it was still a shock and i am feeling very sad about it. Both of my grandads died before i was born and my other nan died when i was 8, so i now have no grandparents left.

Waiting to hear about the funeral arrangements, though the 2 bank holiday weekends in a row will make that quite tricky to schedule. i'm planning to go to the funeral with Sir, but not with the boys or Poppy (she should be in nursery if it's a weekday). Not quite sure what to do about the boys yet, but we'll sort that when we have more details.

Sir and i explained it as best we could to Poppy this morning, that her 'nan nan' has gone to heaven just like the 'babbit' did a little while back, so she won't be seeing her anymore. She didn't really say much, just nodded and sat quietly thinking so i think she's taken it in as best she can for a not-quite 3 year old. We're going to visit my parents today, so i can give my Dad some support, before taking the kiddies to the farm for some Easter fun as promised.

i'm just glad that Poppy had a chance to get to know her 'nan nan' (even though i doubt she'll remember much about her as she grows up) and that my nan got to meet Finn and William. It's sad that she'll never meet my sister's baby (due in October), but as someone reminded me today she will see him/her just not in person.

Goodbye nan, i love you.

Scening

2011-04-20T09:55:00.000+01:00

i'm going to use this post to write about two different things: one is the training session i had with Sir Mark at the weekend and the other is how i'm hoping to get back into scening in the online chatroom i visit. So here goes...

i expected Sunday's training to be more of the humiliation in the dungeon, possibly with someone else watching, type thing as we have been doing for the past few weeks, but it turned out that Sir Mark had slightly different plans this time. i'm still not sure whether He is setting the agenda, whether Sir is asking Him to work on specific things or giving Him ideas for sessions, or a combination of the two. But i do know that this particular session worked on several of my current training needs, namely: humiliation, exhibitionism and outdoor use/play.

i was told to go into the garden (naked with just a clit clip on) and then i was inspected there by Sir Mark (which involves me getting into very vulnerable and revealing positions). Then He had me remove the clit clip, spread my legs and stand still for a bottom flogging (and a bit of a pussy flogging) right there in the middle of the garden! i have never really done any kind of scene outside before and i was so scared of being seen (or heard as it seemed like the flogger was making a lot of noise), but in reality that's not going to happen because our garden is surrounded by a high wall on the other side of which is just fields, so unless someone actually came into the house and walked through to the garden they wouldn't be able to see me. But it just felt very very naughty and risky being naked and flogged outside! That's all the session was this week, but i suspect that Sir Mark is going to push me further and further in this during the weeks to come.

Then in the chatroom last night i got talking to one of the Doms there who is my friend and we chatted about my recent 'acceptance' post and what could be done to make me feel more at home in the chatroom like i used to. It was decided that i should try to scene in channel more (i hardly scene at all now, and only with very select Doms in pm when i do) and also try to start playing with the other girls again too. We both think that since being pregnant i have come to be seen as 'off-limits' by most people in the room, as someone to chat to only, as something of a room 'mascot' rather than a sub who is available to play and scene with, so i need to take steps to alter that perception of me. So last night there was a brief scene with B, in channel, in front of everyone, and i also altered my description to make it known that i am trying to 'revive my scening side'. Of course i'll steer well clear of the HNGs (horny net geeks) and other Doms i just don't gel with, but other than that i'm looking forward to some action in channel beyond my current levels of polite chat, gentle banter and casual flirting, which i hope will help with my somewhat neglected submissive side too. So watch this space!

Good news!

2011-04-19T15:17:00.000+01:00

Babies never cease to amaze me. You can have a really down day, be feeling rather fed up and frustrated with life, and then they go and do something which is just fantastic and instantly perks you up. Today both William and Finn have done that, and now i feel so much happier and more positive about the future.

William has been a bit up and down with his eating since i first persuaded him to start taking small amounts of cereal mixed in with my milk from a spoon. Some days he will happily gobble it down and some days he either refuses it entirely or takes a small amount and then gets fussy and won't eat the rest. Up till now i figured it was just due to his mood on the day but today i figured out it's more to do with the temperature of the cereal/milk mix - it seems that if it's not quite right he won't tolerate it so i did a bit of experimenting with different temperatures, found the one he preferred and then reheated it back to that warmth when he started to look reluctant to eat any more. Which worked brilliantly and he gobbled down the rest of it and smiled happily, nice and full at the end! Then this afternoon i tried Finn out with some baby rusks (which he loved) and i gave William a little bit mixed with extra breastmilk, which he also loved! i was so surprised that he ate it the very first time i tried him with it because it took quite a while to get him to even try the cereal. So great progress on the eating front from William :)

And in Finn news, he started crawling for the very first time today!! He's been close to it for a while because when he's sitting he will lean forwards to get toys and get himself onto a hands and knees position, and from that position he will rock backwards and forwards, but up till now i haven't been able to tempt him to crawl. Then today i was doing some of William's therapy and Finn was on the floor playing and all of a sudden he crawled several paces to reach a toy he wanted that was across the room! He kind of surprised himself by doing it, by the look on his face, and i managed to get him to do it a couple more times by placing his favourite toys round the room but he's still a bit unsteady and when he gets too excited he moves his arms faster than his legs and ends up nose-diving into the carpet! But i know he'll soon perfect his technique. Well done Finn, my clever little peanut :)

Acceptance

2011-04-18T15:15:00.000+01:00

i seem to have been struggling with this a bit recently - both with accepting others' views and choices and with feeling accepted myself. It's a weird combination of feelings, that i'm finding myself increasingly judging and criticising certain others within the lifestyle at the same time as feeling myself increasingly isolated and marginalised. Yet i don't really know what to do about it.

Much of it stems i believe from being a busy wife and mother, especially from having a toddler and baby twins, and dealing with the daily challenges of William's special needs. This has meant that the vast majority of my time, energies and thoughts are devoted to the children and William in particular, meaning that my slave identity has become rather neglected (as i posted about before). Sir has taken measures to try to alleviate that somewhat by ensuring that i get time almost daily to chat with like-minded friends on the BDSM chatrooms and by starting up my training again as and when we can fit it in. But still i find myself thinking (and 'saying' through blog posts) certain views about certain others in the lifestyle which have gained me some criticism or at the least reminders from others to be more tolerant, less judgemental, not to compartmentalise others so much or over-generalise my opinions onto the lifestyle as a whole. Most of the time i am surprised to receive those comments, but on rereading my posts i can see where they have come from, and i never mean to be judgemental or critical, it just seems to be the way i am thinking at the moment.

Then there are the difficulties i have been experiencing on the chatrooms recently. It goes without saying that in any chatroom environment there will be people you don't particularly get along with, those who do not like you, who may even be jealous of you or go out of their way to be critical of you and try to wind you up. To be fair there's only a few people like that towards me in #P&H and it never used to bother me too much, but now i find myself getting overly upset by any little negative comment they might make to or about me, wondering if more people in the room are secretly thinking the same things, and even questioning friendships i have in there. It's been making me feel like i don't fit in anymore, that i don't belong in the 'online' BDSM environment because i am in a real-life relationship and not really interested in the scening and other activities which take place in the channel, but also that i don't really fit in the 'real-life' BDSM community either because it is difficult for me to actively serve my Sir at the moment, we don't go to munches or play parties or community events, much of my slave life is on hold for the foreseeable future, so how much of a slave am i?

i know people will say that true slavery/submission comes from inside and i do still have those feelings and desires and feel the same way about my Sir and our relationship as i did before. i'm not questioning my decision to be collared or anything like that, i'm just struggling with feeling accepted and with accepting (some) others, and not really sure what to do about it. Meanwhile life rushes on with so many things to do and think about and important decisions to be made about William's care and what to do for the best for him. Maybe i should concentrate on those other things and not fret about my submission for a while?

formspring.me #72

2011-04-16T12:22:00.002+01:00

When you gave hand jobs during your pregnancy and other times, did you collect the cum in a glass and drink it? Or did you just dispose of it?

Sir has never required me to collect His cum, often when giving Him a hand job He will choose to cum over a certain part of my body (e.g. titties, face, bottom) or He will tell me to open my mouth so He can cum in there and i then swallow it down. my rules state that Sir's cum is a 'precious gift to receive and i should not waste it' so it's rare that it is just 'disposed of'.

What age were you when you got your first proper bra and can you remember what size it was?
i was quite a late developer, so i'd say i was probably 14 before i got a bra and it was probably a small size (34A?). Before having my babies i had small perky bewbies (34B) which went up to a 34C after finishing nursing Poppy, and i have no idea what size they will end up at after i finish nursing the twins.

You met Sir online, right? How open about this are you with your friends and family, the ones that don't know about your lifestyle?
We are always completely open with all our friends and family about the fact that we met on an online 'chatroom', started off by emailing and IMing and webcamming, and then after a while met up in real-life and continued our relationship from there. After all it's not that unusual nowadays. The part we leave out is that it was a Fetish site we met on, and that Sir was training me as His sub when we started to meet in real-life!

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Seven Deadly sub Sins

2011-04-16T11:38:00.001+01:00

To complete the series, here's the promised post on 'sub sins', inspired once again by sin's post: here. Again i have to explain that these are my opinion only and i'm aware that a couple of them are controversial and not everyone will agree. But that's the nature of blogging, right?

1. manipulation - the whole point of being submissive is to be compliant and to follow the lead of another, so to me being manipulative, trying to control the situation, even horror of horrors 'topping from the bottom', is to completely go against everything a sub should be trying to achieve. It must be very exhausting for a Dom to constantly have to battle against a sub who is trying to take control, manipulate the situation to their liking, wheedle out of things, and so on. And to be honest i'm not sure what either the Dom or the sub would get out of the dynamic in that case; i know there are Doms who like to 'force' a sub to obey seemingly against her will, but the manipulation i'm talking about here is more than that - has the sub really submitted if she is still trying to control and influence events? i think not.

2. secrecy - this one would also cover lack of open communication, or hiding things from the Dom, all of which i feel can be very detrimental to a D/s relationship. Whilst it's true that different Doms have different rules regarding how much they require their sub to disclose to them (and i agree it could get very tiresome to hear every single detail of what the sub is thinking or feeling or every single thing they did during the day), i still feel it is important that subs tell their Dom about their worries, fears, concerns, difficulties, etc. so that the Dom has the right information to make informed decisions. It is very difficult to be in control of someone else without having all the necessary information, and indeed this can lead to some inappropriate, bad or even detrimental decisions being made. To my mind communication is even more imperative to a D/s relationship than a vanilla one, because of the much higher levels of control and dependency involved.

3. dishonesty - this one was included in the Deadly Dom sins too, and i guess it also applies to vanilla relationships, but as i have said before often D/s relationships are similar to all relationships, just magnified in many respects. Just as a sub needs to be able to trust her Dom, a Dom needs to know that He can trust the sub, that she is being truthful to Him in answering His questions, that there are no nasty secrets being hidden from Him. Sometimes being economical with the truth can be dangerous to the safety of the sub, such as not telling Him about mental, emotional or physical limitations or difficulties which could cause harm to occur to the sub during a scene. And often dishonesty can be a 'deal-breaker' with regards to the relationship, when the lies are finally exposed (and they nearly always are). Again, i think it is more prevalent amongst online D/s relationships, but i'm sure there are also dishonest subs in real-life dynamics too.

4. brattiness - a controversial one because some subs love to be bratty, feeling it is part of their personality and makes things more fun, and some Doms seem to enjoy the challenge of 'taming' a bratty sub. But i'm not talking about the 'show' brattiness, where it's put on to spice things up, to make a pretence out of not wanting to submit, or being 'forced' to submit, which in a way can serve to reinforce both the Dom and the sub roles when the sub is made to successfully submit by the powerful Dom. i'm talking about true brattiness, which i have seen many examples of in the online chatrooms, where subs show complete disrespect for the Doms, being rude and snarky and sarcastic, or playing silly little 'jokes' or tricks, answering back, arguing with the Doms for the sake of it, generally being difficult (and to my mind childish). i honestly don't see the point of this form of brattiness, except i guess it does get them attention (negative as well as positive), gets them a certain reputation for being 'feisty' which they seem to revel in and possibly keeps them entertained. i just think there's no place for brattiness in a D/s relationship, it's disrespectful, childish and inappropriate and must again be very wearing for the Dom.

5. self-centeredness - a sub who is continually thinking about herself, looking out for her own comfort and wants and desires, pushing for what she can get out of every situation, making decisions that serve her own interests, is not going to be serving her Dom to the best of her ability. There's a high level of selflessness that is necessary to being a good sub, even if we do at times yearn for certain things or even ask for them if we need them that badly (and i'm not talking about basic needs being met here, or the requirement of some subs to ask permission for everything). i believe that a sub should put the needs of her Dom before her own, strive to make Him comfortable and happy, look for ways in which she can please Him, make decisions based on what she knows He prefers or desires, in order to keep their relationship strong. Of course a good Dom will also strive to make His sub happy and will give her some of what she desires when He feels that she has deserved it, but that's not for the sub to decide. Included in this 'selfcenteredness' category i would say are the 'spoiled' subs, the ones you see online with a list of things they want their (future) Dom to buy them, who want to be wined and dined and treated like a princess, have all their desires taken care of, who have even oftentimes picked out the exact collar they want to be bought for them. Sorry if you're one of them, but i do feel there's a level of selfcenteredness in such an approach that doesn't gel very well with a D/s relationship.

6. laziness - yes we all get lazy from time to time, can't be bothered to do something we know we really ought to, or don't put very much effort into our tasks. But when that becomes the norm i think there's potential for problems in a D/s relationship. Just as a sub suffers when her Dom can't be bothered (apathy), so a Dom suffers through the laziness of His sub. If she's not putting much effort into her training, chores, daily requirements, scenes or service of Him neither of them are going to get much satisfaction from it and there's going to be very little progress in her development as a sub or the development of their relationship in general. And a D/s relationship that's left to stagnate is not healthy for either participant.

7. disobedience - it may seem obvious to say it, but a sub who blatantly disregards the rules, who purposefully disobeys, who constantly oversteps the boundaries or flat out refuses to carry out the Dom's orders, isn't actually submitting at all. And if she's not submitting is it really a D/s relationship? i know there are times when all subs break the rules, make mistakes and do things wrong, but often these are genuine errors and most of those subs will try hard not to repeat the same mistake again. And admittedly we all have times when we feel like disobeying, but most of us push past those feelings and get on with it anyway (which to me is a much harder form of submission than complying with things which are easy). Flat out, continual disobedience would be detrimental to any D/s relationship, so is included in the sub's deadly sins list here.

Thanks for reading, please feel free to comment (and sorry that i once again used He for Doms and she for subs, i just find it easier).

Friday fill-ins #13

2011-04-15T10:46:00.000+01:00

1. For me it was.... the best decision i ever made to become a collared slave.

2. i'm getting used to all the comments and interference when William has a seizure.... at my local supermarket.

3. Behind the sound of the wind in the trees, i heard.... birds singing, showing that Spring is finally here.

4. Stand at the top of a mountain and look out over the world.... is something i always wanted to do.

5. When it was over, ....Sir held me in His arms as i cried silent tears of release against His chest (that's often how our sessions finish).

6. i may have had some difficult decisions to make since we found out about William's condition.... but i never felt alone.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight i'm looking forward to.... relaxing with Sir, tomorrow my plans include.... shopping for my sister's baby and enjoying 'Britain's Got Talent' on TV and Sunday i want to.... do well in my training session with Sir Mark.

Some exciting news

2011-04-14T18:21:00.000+01:00

Nooooo i'm not pregnant..... but my sister is! She went for her 12 week scan today and everything looks fine, so i figure it's ok to post the news on here now. She's due at the end of October (21st is her date at the moment), so Finn and William will have a cousin just a year younger than them which will be so cool! Apparently her and her boyfriend have decided not to find out the sex of the baby, so i'll have to be careful with colours when getting clothes and stuff for the lil tadpole. i loveeeee shopping for little babies and i figure when it's my sister's first lil one i'm allowed to buy just a few things for it as an adoring auntie, right? :)

formspring.me #71

2011-04-13T08:26:00.002+01:00

I know there are different types of fear, the fear spawned from uncertainty or the unknown, fear seeded in self doubt etc., but has Sir ever pushed you into facing a true fear? How did you or how would you cope in that situation?

Good question! Sir planned to do some 'fear play' with me at one point, and indeed it's still listed on my 'future training' along with 'needles exploration' and 'single tail whipping' both of which i am truly afraid of. We started a little bit on the needle play before, during the limits exploration training but didn't get very far because i panicked at the thought of one of them piercing my skin so couldn't get beyond looking at them and holding them (and yes this means i am scared of blood tests and injections, but the fear is manageable when it's a medical person using the needles).

i think that's the only true fear i have faced so far with Sir, though there have been many situations where i have been scared and nervous and unsure. But i tend to just breathe my way through them, take each step at a time, focus on the present moment and getting through that. And i remind myself of how much i trust Sir, how He won't let anything harm me, how similar situations in the past have turned out fine with Him, how proud He will be of me if i manage to get through it. So basically i give myself a little pep talk in my head whilst it's going on!

If necessary i will face some of my true fears in the future for Sir (i am afraid of heights, needles, spiders, dogs and single-tail whipping), but we'll have to wait and see how well i do with it!

Ask me anything (250 characters)

Seven Deadly Dom Sins

2011-04-12T11:01:00.000+01:00

i'm unashamedly stealing this idea from sin over at 'finding my submission', where she recently wrote a post on it: read hers here. i've had to think long and hard about this because D/s relationships are so broad that what i might think of as a negative characteristic for a Dom to have someone else might see and experience as a positive. So i'll write a little explanation after each one to show why i think of it as a 'sin' in a Dom:

1. inconsistency - interestingly this one came out on top in sin's list too and i absolutely agree with her. If a Dom is inconsistent in applying and checking up on His rules, it makes the sub not know whether to bother following them or not. If a Dom is inconsistent on which offences He punishes for and how severely, it makes the sub unsure about how to behave. If a Dom is inconsistent in His expectations of the sub, the way He treats her, how He applies His Dominance, it is very unsettling for the sub and she can't possibly grow or flourish in such a relationship. If i hand over control to someone else i need them to be consistent in how they exert it; that doesn't mean that i want a robot Dom or expect Him never to have moods or to change His mind or to update the rules. But i as a sub need a good level of consistency in my life, emanating from my Dom.

2. apathy - if a Dom doesn't care much about His sub or their relationship He isn't going to invest the large amounts of time and energy that D/s dynamics need to thrive. Even when the couple don't live together there still needs to be careful thought, planning and maintenance on the part of the Dom to keep the relationship moving forward and meeting both parties' needs (in fact some would say that these types of relationship need more commitment and planning than 24/7 ones do). If the Dom simply can't be bothered it becomes more of a 'give me a blowjob when I tell you to' type arrangement, which ultimately leaves the sub cold, resentful and neglected. To my mind there's certain responsibilities that come with being a Dom, a bit like there's certain responsibilities that come with being a good pet owner - us subs are needy little creatures and deserve a Dom who cares enough about us and the relationship to invest in it.

3. carelessness - this may seem similar to 'apathy', but in this case i mean a Dom who doesn't think through His actions or take the required amount of care during scenes. As a result a sub can be greatly harmed, scarred for life or even wind up dead. Lots of what we do in the BDSM world carries an element of risk to it, so it's imperative that a Dom reads up on the safety issues, practices sufficiently beforehand and keeps His mind on the job when participating in such activities. i've heard stories of fireplay that left lasting burns, cutting that went too deep, brands that became infected, impact play that caused nerve damage, and other such harm at the hands of inexperienced and careless Doms. Yes accidents happen, but there is no excuse for careless behaviour and it should not be tolerated.

4. dishonesty - openness and good communication is even more vital in a D/s relationship than in a vanilla one because at times the sub will literally be putting her safety into the hands of her Dom. she needs to know that she can trust Him 100%, that He has been honest with her about His intentions and His feelings, that He will respect her limits (if she is allowed them) and that He will answer her questions and concerns truthfully. Of course, i'm not suggesting that a Dom needs to tell His sub everything (at least not in the same way that a sub should be expected to tell her Dom everything), and there may well be certain things He keeps from her for her own good or because she isn't ready for them yet (things to do with her training or what He might require of her in the future). But that shouldn't include dodgy secrets from His past, or the fact that He has other subs she doesn't know about, or other such things. Dishonesty is probably more of an issue in online or long-distance relationships where it's much easier to conceal the fact that you have a wife/other subs/are much older than you claim/have less experience than you say/ etc. But in any D/s relationship dishonesty is going to end up with someone being hurt and potentially the relationship falling apart and i see no excuse for it.

5. violence - i know this one will be controversial, but it's my blog and i truly do see this as a 'deadly sin' for Doms. i'm not talking about a Dom hurting a sub or being a sadist or even sometimes getting carried away during a scene. i'm talking about the more abusive type of action where a Dom lashes out whenever He gets angry, takes His rages out on a sub in a physical manner, acts in an uncontrolled way during scenes, causes harm and lasting damage to the sub as a result, uses His power to intimidate and beat down rather than to control in a consensual manner. It's a difficult line to describe, but i know it's there and i hope that others understand the point i'm trying to make.

6. uncertainty - of course we can't expect Doms to be sure about everything all of the time, and there's a great deal to be said for a Dom who admits He doesn't know something or wants to try something but isn't sure how it will work out or who sees that He has made a mistake and takes measures to correct it. i'm not talking about any of those scenarios here; i'm talking about more general uncertainty - about Himself or about the path He wishes to lead the sub down in the relationship. If a sub gives over control to a Dom she expects Him to lead her, guide her, train her, give her orders and rules and directions. If He doesn't know what He wants from her, doesn't set any rules or guidelines, is continually changing His mind, leaves her to make her own decisions or worse still asks her what she wants/thinks for every situation it becomes pointless. If i come to my Dom with a question about how He wants something done i expect Him to have some kind of opinion on it, even if it takes a while for Him to get back to me or even if the answer turns out to be "actually i don't mind, do what you like about that" - but if that is the answer to every question is He controlling me in reality? Also some Doms are so uncertain about themselves and their Dominance that they spend all their time fretting about whether their feelings and desires are 'right' and so have no conviction behind their actions, which is very unsettling for the sub. i would suggest that in this case the Dom needs to come to terms with Himself first and then enter into a D/s relationship. Good Dominance has a certain element of surety and confidence behind it, even if that's sometimes put on!

7. arrogance - again a controversial one from sin's original post, and mouse followed up with a separate post devoted just to this sin: here. Though i admit that there is a certain amount of arrogance in most Doms, i think there is a big difference between confidence and arrogance and too much arrogance can be dangerous in a D/s relationship. It can make the Dom think He is invincible, that He can do anything He likes, that He is the only person that matters, that it should be all about Him. Ultimately it can make Him blame the sub for His own mistakes, neglect her needs entirely, attempt things He really isn't capable of or competent at, put the sub in danger, and turn into the type of person that nobody respects or likes or wants to be around let alone have a relationship with. So i think a good Dom needs to keep a tight rein on His arrogance and not let it get too much.

Please leave comments on this post, either at the bottom or using the 'comment inline' feature - i'd love to get some discussions going on what others think of my 'deadly Dom sins' and which ones you would have chosen.

William's story

2011-04-11T17:03:00.014+01:00

i figured i should write a post to help new readers to this blog catch up with where William's at, without having to trawl through all the previous posts. So this post will be a permanent link in the sidebar and updated regularly to keep everyone informed of William's progress. i'm going to start from the beginning, so apologies if you already know all this:

We found out at the beginning of February 2010 that i was expecting twins. At the 12 week scan everything seemed fine, and we were told that our babies were 'dichorionic-diamniotic' twins which is the least risky type. But an ultrasound scan at the end of April showed possible abnormalities with William's heart and a follow-up scan a month later confirmed that he had multiple cardiac rhabdomyomas (benign heart tumours), so we were sent for further tests at a specialist hospital at the beginning of June. Those tests showed that William also had multiple cortical tubers (malformed areas of brain) in addition to the multiple cardiac rhabdomyomas which gave him a diagnosis of Tuberous Sclerosis. We were offered a late abortion of William as the prognosis was so severe, but decided against that option and continued with the twin pregnancy.

Both boys were born naturally on 15th August 2010 after a 10 1/2 hour labour - William arrived first weighing 6lbs 5oz followed by Finn weighing 5lbs 14oz. Tests on the placentas showed that they are non-identical. Both boys were fine and allowed home with me the next day. Initially William seemed fine, except for some problems with latching on and co-ordinating his suck/swallow pattern when breastfeeding and difficulties in settling to sleep unless tightly swaddled. But when he was 4 days old i noticed some strange jerking episodes from William which i thought might be seizures, and then the following night he had two more episodes which made him turn blue. We rushed him to hospital but the seizures had stopped by the time we got there and they discharged him after a thorough check-up.

We took William to his hospital appointment with the TS specialist at the beginning of September 2010, during which an MRI scan showed that he had over 50 cortical tubers plus 2 subependymal nodules in his brain (benign tumours in the ventricles) and an EEG showed electrical brain activity consistent with seizures. He was put onto a general epilepsy drug (phenobarbitol), which seemed to work in reducing his seizures for a while. Then at the end of November 2010 William was hospitalised for 5 days after some really nasty seizures which required the doctors to give him diazepam to bring him out of. He was put on a feeding tube and kept sedated while they ran lots of tests, the results of which were that he was diagnosed with complex epilepsy with many focal points in the brain (so not a candidate for surgery), clinical and subclinical seizures of different types (focal, tonic, clonic, myoclonic), including Infantile Spasms which have a devastating effect on development unless they can be stopped. He was put onto another drug (keppra) and we were sent home with supplies of diazepam for emergencies and ACTHar to inject into him daily to try to stop the IS.

The ACTH injections carry many side-effects so William had to be monitored closely for the 3 weeks he was on them, and he got very sleepy, cranky, irritable, hungry and fat during that time as they are powerful steroids. He also had to be kept indoors away from other people as the injections lowered his immune system to a dangerous level. But they were successful in stopping the Infantile Spasms and since then William has been weaned off the phenobarbitol and onto a different drug (topomax) which seems to be doing a reasonable job of keeping his seizures to a minimum, and since then another drug has been added (tegretol). Despite that he still has numerous seizures daily, but not of the length and severity that he once did, and we now have a special alarm which fits under his cot mattress to warn us of seizures when we are out of the room or during the night. William's seizures seem to get worse when he is unwell, such as if he has a cold, is teething, or has an ear infection, but he does not react to pain so it is difficult to tell when he is starting to become unwell. William has been hospitalised a couple of times since when his seizures get bad, but at the moment they are manageable most days.

William has also been diagnosed with a cortical visual impairment (which means his brain doesn't process input from his eyes properly) and sensory processing/integration difficulties affecting his senses of touch, hearing, vestibular and proprioception. At the age of 2 months he was enrolled with an early intervention clinic, through which he receives a weekly group therapy session, a weekly hydrotherapy session, a weekly speech therapy session, a weekly physiotherapy session, plus input and equipment from a physiotherapist, visual impairment specialist, speech therapist and occupational therapist (we currently have a light box, body brush, physio wedge, roll, ball and stool, and use a special reclining highchair, a special bath chair, a supportive insert for his pushchair and a baby sling with him). i also take William to a baby sensory club, stories and songs session at the library, baby yoga club (now stopped) and an ostepathy session every week. We made the decision to remortgage our house to get extra money for William's needs, some of which we used to build a sensory room in our loft. i carry out daily therapy with William in this room consisting of physio work, body brushing, sensory integration work, speech therapy work, visual therapy, massage and aromatherapy; and a small group of other mums bring their special needs babies round once a week for an informal group therapy session.

Because of his sensory difficulties William can be very resistant to certain sensory experiences which most babies tolerate without any problems. Examples include: having anything on or touching his head (including having clothes pulled over his head), having his nails cut (fingers and toes), having any clothes on his feet (socks, booties, any baby clothes with 'feet'), putting anything in his mouth (fingers, hands, toys, and most foods - to get him to eat anything it has to be one food type only, mixed with plenty of milk, of a smooth non-lumpy consistency without being too 'slimy', and of the preferred temperature), being on his tummy for too long, wearing the 'wrong' clothes (he has definite likes and dislikes with clothes even though i try to get the softest ones possible and pre-wash them for him), the feel of cotton wool or similar fuzzy textures on any part of his body, touching or holding most things in his hands (he only has a few specific textures which he will tolerate without problems and will close his hands tightly to avoid all other textures), certain sounds (such as sirens, some phone ringtones, alarm clocks, the microwave beeping, reversing noises on vehicles, car horns, dogs howling and also some songs or pieces of music which are too high-pitched or have a heavy bass beat), the lighting in some shops and supermarkets, lights flickering, waking up, being put down in his cot unless he is already asleep, etc. etc. But we are working on all these areas with him and will continue to do so.

William has begun to show some of the early signs of autism, such as not giving eye-contact, not responding to his name being called, showing no interest in social interactions with people, not understanding or using pointing or other gestures, not copying facial expressions such as smiles, not understanding or participating in 'turn-taking' games, not babbling or using vocalisations beyond crying, plus he has started to engage in 'self-stimulatory' behaviours such as arching his back, rocking his torso back and forth when held, shaking his head from side to side while staring into space, flapping his hands and staring at his fingers for long periods of time. We haven't taken him to be checked out for autism yet because his other developmental problems could be causing some of these symptoms, but it's something we are aware of and will keep an eye on (there is a strong correlation between TS and autism).

So far William has made slow but steady progress and can now:
- make a happy noise, a protest 'squawk' and giggle
- lift his head and shoulders up when on his tummy for up to 30 seconds
- maintain reasonable control of his head and neck when not tired
- keep his head up for brief periods of time when supported to sit (shoulders held back)
- maintain a sitting position when 'propped up' by cushions etc.
- respond positively to some textures by rubbing his cheek, hand or arm across them
- look at and focus on brightly coloured objects or lights, or when using the light-box
- track light-up toys in a darkened environment
- look at his reflection in a mirror
- look at an increasing range of objects and pictures in normal lighting
- show anticipation and preferences during familiar routines and experiences
- show some awareness of cause and effect to operate simple toys
- open his hands and try to splash with his fingers when in water
- bang on objects with a flat hand
- press down on a large switch pad with a flat hand when it is placed there
- reach out and touch someone with a flat hand to ask for 'more'
- show recognition of people familiar to him
- turn towards people when smiling at something they are doing
- accept small amounts of cereal mixed with milk from a spoon
- eat rusks, bananas and apples mixed together, cheesecake topping, sponge cake, custard, yoghurt with no bits or well-mashed potatoes blended with milk
- drink from an open cup with support

We are currently working on these areas:
- opening up his hands in a more generalised way
- batting at objects
- reaching out for and grasping objects
- releasing objects put into his hands
- looking at people's faces and making eye contact
- turning his head to look at objects or people
- babbling and a greater range of vocalisations
- purposeful play with toys
- accepting things touching his head or being on his feet
- responding to his name
- turning towards sounds
- rolling over
- pushing through his legs when held upright
- sitting independently
- bringing things to his mouth and mouthing his fingers
- kicking with his legs
- exploring his hands and feet
- eating a wider variety of foods

Brave little bean

2011-04-10T15:12:00.000+01:00

William never ceases to amaze me. It must be so difficult for him trying to learn new things with all those areas of damaged brain, trying to make sense of the world without being able to see it properly, trying to work round his many sensory processing problems which make lots of tactile and auditory experiences too sensitive for him, trying to be happy and alert whilst having numerous seizures daily, trying so hard to be everything that he can be despite his many problems.

Take today for example. Sir had booked for the 'magic' massage lady to come round and do a session for me, Finn and William. Which was gladly received after our tiring (but enjoyable) day out in London yesterday. For those who don't know, she does a special form of 'mother and baby' massage where we lay down on mats, pillows, beanbags etc and are free to move around and change positions as we please, while she massages us all at the same time, flowing from one to another of us with her soothing hands whilst we enjoy lots of skin to skin contact (the babies wear just their nappies and i wear just a pair of panties). William in particular loves massage (i do it with both boys daily), so was very smiley whenever the lady spent some time on him. He'd let out a few protest squawks when she moved onto Finn, but then all of a sudden he reached out and touched her hand with his to request she massage him some more! This is the first time William has purposefully reached out to someone, the first time he has touched a person with his flat hand, the first time he has looked at where his hand is going (outside of the sensory room) and the first time he has made a purposeful communicative gesture like that. i was so happy i just sat there and cried, and the great thing is he did it several more times after that, when he felt that his turn hadn't been long enough. Now i know he understands this communicative gesture, i'm going to get him to do it a lot more to request things to happen 'again', and i think i can probably get him started on some simple 'cause and effect' toys where once he knows how to operate them he might be able to reach out and perform the action himself to get it to happen again.

Such a clever little bean, so brave and so determined despite his difficulties. And a very proud mummy :)

formspring.me #70

2011-04-10T09:47:00.002+01:00

Just discovered your blog. I enjoy it. You mentioned "cleaning" him without being asked -- said in the context of swallowing. Can you provide details?Also, you mentioned, you are sometimes used as furniture, can you provide some examples?

"cleaning" refers to me cleaning Sir's cock after He has been in my hand/mouth/pussy/ass/etc. It means that i am required to use my mouth to gently suck and lick His cock to remove anything that may be on it after it has been in one or other of my body parts. And my rules state that i must do this every time and not wait to be told.

"being used as furniture" refers to another of my rules which states that Sir may require me to be His table, stool, lamp, book-rest, etc. Basically it means that i take on the form and function of that piece of furniture as much as possible, using my body to rest Sir's feet on, or to hold a light for Him to see, or for Him to store His drink between sips, or to hold His book steady for Him to read, etc. To be honest i haven't been used as an item of furniture for a while due to how busy we are with the 3 children now, but it's just another way in which a slave can be of use to her Master and also be reminded of her place at the same time.

Thanks for your question! i still have a few more formspring questions to answer, but some i deleted because they were comments rather than questions, or they have already been answered, or they were too long so i didn't get to read what the whole question said! Please try again if you think you fall into that last category.

Ask me anything

Mother's Day (again)

2011-04-03T10:45:00.000+01:00

Happy Mother's Day to all the mummies in the UK who are celebrating this special day today (and thank-you to one special reader for the email message yesterday - very thoughtful of you). Today i received breakfast in bed, snuggled with all 3 kidlets and Sir (which ended up with the duvet cover needing to be washed, but never mind). And the boys gave me a gorgeous gift of their hand and footprints framed with a photo of the two of them in the middle. Quite when Sir did the prints or took the photo i don't know, but it was a very beautiful gift and it made me cry. Poppy chose her own gifts again this year - an apron that she had decorated herself with fabric pens and some chocolates :)

This morning i realised once again how incredibly lucky i am to have my family and how privileged i am to be the mummy of 3 such incredible little ones. Poppy is amazingly beautiful, very very bright and has such a sweet, caring and thoughtful nature that she's always making me laugh or smile with the things she does and the sayings she comes out with. i know already that she will be a fierce protector of her little brothers and William in particular, and will always be ready to help him out or stand up for him, which reassures me a lot. Finn is a gorgeous little button, full of smiles and cheeky giggles, so patient and chilled-out about life but also so curious and alert and eager to explore everything around him. He also has a special bond with William and accepts him just as he is, which i know will be important in the future.

And then we come to William - he is such an adorable little thing, so complex and hard to fathom at times, but yet so incredibly brave and determined and resilient despite his difficulties. He is my little snuggler, the one who needs extra touches and kisses and hugs and 'mummy-time', yet he's also the one who is most vocal about what he wants and how he wants it and woe-betide-you if you get it wrong! Recently William had an assessment with the developmental specialists at the TS clinic, and though he is behind in all areas (as we already knew) they were pleased with his progress so far and said that the therapy we're doing is definitely benefitting him and we should continue with everything we're currently doing for William. His vision in particular is much improved, and they saw signs of him beginning to look at and focus on objects in normal lighting which is something he used to not even try with before because he knew he couldn't 'see' them. They also felt that his movements and co-ordination are showing positive signs of improvement, as is the fact that his head control continues to show progress and he is beginning to open up and use his hands independently. There was also good news from the EEG scan which showed the lowest levels of electrical activity in his brain in all the scans done so far, and no signs of the Infantile Spasms returning, which we were very relieved about. So in all areas William continues to make slow but steady progress.

One dilemma i do have at the moment is about weaning the boys off breastfeeding. i get to a point with my babies when they are about 6-7 months when i start to feel uncomfortable with continuing to nurse them - once they can sit independently and start eating solids they seem too big for it and i no longer want to do it, so with Poppy i transitioned her to a bottle and then gradually onto formula milk. But in William's case i am worried this will cause him difficulties as he is only taking very small amounts of cereal mixed in with spoonfuls of my milk, and nothing else. Also because changes are hard for him i can see it being tricky to get him used to a bottle and maybe he won't take to formula milk? i'm trying not to feel guilty about it, but i can't help feeling that i'm putting my own comfort over the needs of my babies and that's a hard thing to balance up. Maybe i'll try the change-over gradually and see how William does with it?

Anyway, thanks for listening to my ramble, and have a great day whatever you're doing :)

D/s as a belief system?

2011-04-02T16:48:00.000+01:00

In a recent comment on this blog someone spoke about how their submission isn't just a set of behaviours designed to invoke a certain response from their Dom, but rather it is a 'belief system'. In a way it makes a lot of sense to me that D/s should be a belief system, because i have always felt it to be more than just a 'lifestyle choice.' To me a lifestyle choice implies it is more of a role i have chosen to adopt, and also makes it seem like something of a 'fad' i am currently going through, a phase which i will work my way out of and change to something else - a bit like when teenagers decide they are going to be 'goths' or 'emos' or whatever else is currently trendy. They go all out for a while to represent themselves as that particular role, with their clothing, hair, make-up, outward appearance, the places they go, the things they say, the bands they're into, the activities they do in their free time, the way they relate to others, etc. But such phases are generally short-lived and are part of an 'act' or persona to demonstrate to the world aspects of how that person is feeling at that particular stage in their lives. Looking back on it later i'm sure most of those people will laugh at their 'funny goth phase' and certainly not feel that it represents them any longer. But i see D/s as something much deeper than this type of 'lifestyle choice', something more than a role, longer-lasting than a teenage phase, more intrinsically entwined with who and what i am, so that though i have actively chosen this life it's as if i didn't really have a choice, it's what i needed to be. Could it be then that D/s is part of my belief system?

Wikipedia says that a belief system refers to one or more of these 5 things: a life stance, a religion, a world view, a philosophy, an ideology. We can scrap the 'religion' one straight away because i don't see that D/s is anything to do with religion (others may disagree, but i'm talking about my personal views here). The 'world view' statement also doesn't sit easy with me because my D/s is a very personal thing which i see as being relevant only to me and Sir; i certainly don't believe that everyone should engage in such relationships, that they are 'right' for people in general or that others hold the same submissive or Dominant characteristics as we do (obviously some people do, but definitely not 'the world' as a whole). But the other three statements from Wikipedia could hold true for my understanding of D/s, so i'll explore each of them in turn:

- D/s as a life stance: 'A person's life stance is their relation with what they accept as being of ultimate importance, the presuppositions and theory of this, and the commitments and practice of working it out in living.' i'm not sure that i would see D/s as being of 'ultimate importance', although at this moment in my life it is an important part of who i am and the relationship i am in. Reading through the Wikipedia article on this is also becomes clear that 'life stance' usually refers to a religion or its alternative (such as humanism, atheism, etc.), and again i wouldn't categorise D/s in the same bracket as these. But i guess D/s could be seen as my personal life stance, as me weighing up what is important for me to have in my life, accepting the theories behind BDSM and the fact that it isn't 'wrong' to be submissive/Dominant/ masochistic/sadistic, etc. and actively seeking out and shaping a life which incorporates these elements. i'm not entirely sure that 'life stance' fully explains my involvement with D/s though, so let's move on.

- D/s as a philosophy: this is the one which i was most hopeful about, thinking that i could define D/s as my personal philosophy. But having read the Wikipedia article it seems that philosophy is necessarily linked to how i think the world is or should be, or how i think people are or should be. And that's not how i see D/s at all. i'm not one of these Goreans who claim that all women should be slaves and are by their very nature lower and lesser than men. i don't feel that everyone has an inner sub or Dom waiting to be discovered. i don't believe that everyone could be happy in a D/s relationship. i see D/s as one version of relating to another in a structured relationship that only works for certain types of people, and i believe those people to be in the minority in society and in the world. So i can't claim that my views on D/s are a philosophy because they don't extend to my views on other people or relationships or society in general. So we move on to the last statement.

- D/s as an ideology: 'An ideology is a set of ideas that constitutes one's goals, expectations, and actions', this part holds true because the way i think about my D/s relationship very much encompasses my goals, what i want to achieve, my expectations both of myself and our dynamic, and my actions and daily life. my identity very much affects all aspects of my life and is an intrinsic part of me. However the article goes on to say that the purpose of an ideology is to change society or to bring about adherence to a set of ideals, neither of which i feel is relevant to the way i view my involvement in D/s. i do not want society in general to be involved in D/s nor do i want others in the lifestyle to conform to my way of doing things. The whole point about BDSM is that it is so wide and varied and people are free to adopt whatever elements of it they wish to without having to conform to a narrow set of rules and regulations. Though i would want BDSM to be accepted and tolerated by society as a whole, that's not the same thing as presenting it as an ideology to be adopted by people in general, so i don't see that this final statement fits the way i view D/s either.

In conclusion i don't think i can honestly say that D/s is a belief system for me, yet i still feel that it goes further and deeper than a mere 'lifestyle choice'. i guess in the end i'm getting tangled up in language and it doesn't really matter how i refer to it, so long as i'm living it and experiencing it and continuing to thrive with it. But it would have been nice to have found a better way to state what D/s means to me, that's all.

Humiliation training

2011-03-27T12:44:00.000+01:00

As some of you may recall, Sir decided to restart my training again in order to fulfill my slave needs and keep me feeling more in balance. Which i have tried hard not to feel guilty about, and am gradually winning on that front. The training sessions happen when Poppy is out of the house on a Sunday morning (ballet and then at Nanny and Grampy's house), but due to the necessity of having someone watching the twins Sir has arranged for His friend Sir Mark to lead these training sessions with me.

So for the past few weeks i have been waving Poppy off to ballet class, feeding the twins and laying them down for a nap, and then stripping off and putting on the clitty clip to await Sir Mark's arrival. i feel a mixture of dread and excitement when waiting for these sessions because humiliation is not something i find easy, especially when it's not even Sir carrying it out! But afterwards i feel a great sense of relief and achievement and there's a definite feeling of a need being met in me, an ache being soothed, so that i can get through the week more easily until the next session. Sir says He has seen an improvement in my mood and general outlook since the training resumed, which is good news, so we're going to try to keep the Sunday morning slot for the foreseeable future, dependent of course on the changing needs of the twins as they grow.

After today's session Sir Mark instructed me to post about it on here, in order to advance my training even more. To be honest i really don't want to do this, but it's something i have to do so here's my description of what happened in the training and how it made me feel:
Sir Mark brought along a male subbie He is currently training, and i felt very embarrassed and a little tearful about this, but had no real choice other than to go along with it. i decided to try to ignore the boy as much as possible and just concentrate on getting through whatever the session would entail. Sir Mark inspected me then took us both out to the barn where i saw that some straw had been put down in one area. i was told to kneel on all fours on the straw and then told that i was to become a 'human cow'. i hate most types of animal roleplay, especially ones which are humiliating such as being a pig or a cow, so my heart sank when i heard this but i did as i was told. The straw was quite prickly under my knees/legs/hands and longer bits of it kept tickling me as i moved. Then Sir Mark removed the clitty clip and showed me a 'tail' He was going to put into me - basically it was a buttplug with a piece of rope attached to look like a cow's tail. He told jason (the subbie boy) to take off his coat and then stand and watch. Under the coat he had on a contraption round his cock which i have later found out is called 'the gates of hell', but i didn't have much time to study it because then both of them were behind me and i was getting lubed for the insertion of the buttplug.

While the buttplug was being inserted i was taking several deep breaths, trying to get myself into a calm and compliant state of mind. It didn't really work then, but next Sir Mark came round and fitted me with a head harness (complete with bit gag) and i felt myself slip down into a meek and quiet place ready for what was to come. As i guessed, the breast pumps came out next and were fitted to my tits and then turned on. Sir Mark had obviously read up on how to use them because when the automatic programme started (which i have tailored to my comfort levels) he pressed the override button and increased the suction quite a lot so it was very intense. Then He and jason stood back to watch as my milk was sucked out. i kept my head down for most of it and concentrated on breathing deep, and kept reminding myself that every uncomfortable suck from the machine was one suck closer to the end. But still it seemed to take forever to fill the two pots attached.

The pumps and the tail and the harness were removed, and i thought it would all be over then, but suddenly Sir Mark was getting something out of the mini-fridge we keep in the barn, which turned out to be nipple cream (super cold!) which He rubbed into my nipples and aureole. And then the most embarrassing part of the whole thing - He had jason check to see how wet i was. i don't know why i found that the most humiliating part, considering i had just been kneeling there naked with a 'tail' buttplug and breast pumps on, but for some reason that part makes me cringe the most inside whenever i think about it. i suppose it's because it was a subbie boy touching me down there and finding i was wet and showing it to His Dom. i don't know why really but that part was really really humiliating.

Then it was all done and jason was sent to wait in the car, whilst Sir Mark took me back into the house and told Sir i had done well, and gave me instructions about writing this post. Then He was gone too and i spent some time wrapped in my blankie telling Sir about it before it was time for lunch and the twins woke up and we resumed our normal family Sunday routine. i don't know whether i want to hear people's comments on this or not really, but i guess i do, so please can you add your views on the session, what things you find humiliating and how you deal with them? Thanks.

formspring.me #69

2011-03-21T13:50:00.004Z

Hi there. Just discovered your blog and I love it - a really nice romantic Ds relationship (beautiful wedding vows). Quick question: You stated in 2006 that you whisper 'Sir' in public to address him. Have you adopted any other public terms, since?

In public i tend to try avoiding addressing Sir by any name, which if you listen to most people when they're out in public is what tends to happen anyway, people talk to each other without saying a name first. If we're out with Poppy or the twins i'll use that as an excuse to call Him 'Daddy', as if i'm speaking to Him on behalf of the kids. But generally, no there aren't any special terms we use in public.

Ask me anything

Girlie time

2011-03-21T13:42:00.001Z

Last night after dinner there was a knock at the door, which surprised me when it turned out to be Eloise! Apparently she phoned Sir a little while back to say that she missed me, so Sir arranged for her to come over for a girlie night in with me. And best of all she brought pretty nail varnishes and a big box of krispy kreme doughnuts with her :)

So we spent the evening chattering and gossiping and being all girly with painting our nails and putting deep conditioning treatments into our hair and mud masks on our faces. And Eloise got to meet the twins and she said they are just adorable :). It was so nice to catch up with each other and we have agreed to try to meet regularly from now on, which makes me very happy.

Here's to lots more girlie times in the future!

Therapy

2011-03-20T08:27:00.002Z

Regular readers of this blog will know that William has been receiving fairly intensive therapy for his difficulties since he was only a couple of months old. Currently he receives an hour session with a physio once a week, an hour session of hydrotherapy once a week, an hour session with the osteopath once a week, an hour session of group therapy with other mums and babies at the clinic once a week (combining physio and music and movement), plus i do physio, sensory integration, visual therapy and aromatherapy massage with him daily, and we go to a weekly sensory club. Plus he is due to start having speech therapy when he reaches a year old. It seems like a lot and some of the other mums at the clinic have been critical, saying it's too much for him, he doesn't need it all and it may even be harmful for him to have such intensive therapies, but we're starting to see some very promising results which i wanted to share here.

During the physio sessions we have been working on head and neck control, and holding and releasing objects - William can now support his own head for several seconds at a time and is improving in this every week, he now willingly accepts tummy time rather than screaming for the whole of it and he is trying to open his hands to let go of objects put into them. The physio no longer thinks he will need hand splints in the future, which is great news (she was worried that as he doesn't open his hands or use them in a functional way that the muscles wouldn't develop properly and he would need to have them splinted in an open position every night).

In his hydrotherapy sessions William continues to open his hands by himself to feel the water and his therapist reports that she can feel him making efforts to move his own arms and legs rather than relying on her to do it all. He absolutely loves water and i have been using it with him during therapy sessions at home, and he has been opening his hands when they're placed in a bowl of water and even trying to move his fingers to splash when i help him do this first.

The osteopathy appointments have been going really well so far and William is very relaxed and content during them and for a couple of hours immediately after. It's a little early to be sure whether they are helping him or not yet, but i think he is trying to use his arms, hands and legs in more purposeful and coordinated ways since starting the sessions and his seizures are the most under control that they have ever been (though this could also be due to the new meds or the aromatherapy i have started doing with him). We'll give it a little more time before coming to a verdict on these sessions.

The group therapy sessions at the clinic are as much for me as they are for William, as i have made friends with several of the mums there and it's nice to be able to catch up with each other and share problems, progress and advice. But William does enjoy the sessions and definitely gets something from them - he loves music anyway and listens very attentively to the songs we sing and is beginning to show signs of developing preferences for certain songs and anticipating them when the introductory music is played. Also i have noticed his hands become more relaxed as the session goes on and it becomes easier to wriggle objects into them at the end than it was at the beginning.

In our daily therapy sessions in the new sensory room William is doing great work and clearly enjoying himself and really benefitting from the calming atmosphere and specialist equipment. His visual skills have shown the most improvement as he is very attentive to all the lights in there and will focus on them for quite some time. He has started to be able to track light-up toys with his eyes when i move them slowly in front of him and will try to turn his head and eyes to look at some of his favourite pieces of equipment when he realises they are switched on. i am also doing visual work with him using his light-box around the house and he has been looking really nicely at various colours, shapes, patterns and black and white pictures using this.

William's sensory sensitivities are gradually decreasing, especially after body-brushing with the special brush the occupational therapist gave us, and he is much more willing to try out new sensory experiences rather than automatically trying to avoid them. At the baby sensory club we have found several textures he enjoys and i have been using these with him at home to encourage him to hold, feel and manipulate objects for himself. He will move his hand or arm across a piece of material he likes the feel of and several times he has wriggled himself into a position where he can get his cheek to rub against a favourite texture! i have noticed that his protests about sensory experiences he dislikes (such as having clothes pulled over his head) last for a shorter amount of time now than they used to and some clothes that he absolutely refused to wear he is now happy for me to put on him.

i have also been doing some speech therapy work with William, using my knowledge from working in a special needs nursery unit, because i know how important it is to start early with this kind of thing rather than waiting until speech fails to develop. So far William has shown some progress in this area by developing a new 'protest' sound, by showing interest in mirrors for the first time and by showing a reaction when a noise he made activated lights on a piece of equipment in the sensory room. He is yet to deliberately make a noise to cause an effect on a piece of equipment but i'm sure that will come soon.

William absolutely loves our daily massage sessions and has responded well to the aromatherapy oils i mixed to use with him. He has seemed less cranky, more alert and responsive and has not had any ear infections or so many big seizures since i started using them with him, but again it's too early to be sure these are effects of the aromatherapy and not just coincidence or down to something else. i definitely think it's worth continuing though.

So all in all very positive benefits from all the therapy so far, and i can't help thinking that if we weren't doing so much intensive therapy work with William he wouldn't have developed any of his current skills and would still be at the screaming, withdrawing from every sensory experience, completely floppy stage with no purposeful movements or vocalisations at all, not looking at or 'seeing' anything, not showing any preferences or attempts to cause effects at all. And we'd be putting that down to his disabilities and not have any idea of the potential lying inside him. Having seen what William has accomplished in just a few months i am now much more hopeful for his future and believe that with hard work he can achieve lots of things and have a happy and fulfilling life.

Thanks for listening to a proud mummy ramble on about her baby's achievements :)

Bad rep

2011-03-18T07:13:00.002Z

Checking through the new people who have started following my site recently i came across a blog/profile which made me really sad. Claiming to be a real-life Domme/Mistress it became very clear to me from reading this person's profile and blog that she is only into it for what she can get, that she obviously gets some cheap thrills from feeling powerful at play parties and loves to be seen as the big I-Am, but that mainly she calls herself a Domme and maintains her presence online in order to exploit the many desperate male subbies out there searching for someone to play with or submit to.

"I am looking for someone who wants a young, sexy Mistress or Princess to spoil, adore and OBEY. If you are ready to be My pay pig, then contact Me now. You must be prepared to PROVE you want to spoil Me financially by sending Me a small donation or gift certificate. If you are not ready to spoil Me with gifts, then KEEP IT MOVING."

She also has various wish lists on her blog that link to sites such as Amazon, Macy's and Victoria's Secrets where people can send her gift certificates or presents, and she sells her worn panties for $40 for 2 pairs. The whole thing just sickens and disgusts me, and reminds me why there is such a prejudice against the BDSM lifestyle in society. If this is the kind of image they have of people who practice it, then no wonder.

*Edited to add: Master Dream has posted on His blog about this. You can find it here.*

A scary prospect

2011-03-17T07:18:00.001Z

Sir is considering taking me to a play party at the end of May as part of my training, not to 'play' in the traditional sense but to act as a 'guinea pig' for people to try equipment out on. At first i was like "huh?" but then Sir explained that there will be a stall there selling homemade floggers, paddles, etc. and the man who runs the stall normally brings His sub along to act as a model for potential buyers to test the products out on but she can't come this time, hence He has asked if anyone else could stand in for her which is apparently where i come in...

Part of me wants to do it because i found the play party we went to before really interesting and we might meet some cool new people, and i have been wanting my training to step up a notch so it seems unfair to complain when Sir makes the effort to do so. But on the other hand i am very nervous about being used as a model as i don't know how much i would be able or expected to take and i don't want to let the man down by being a bad model for His products. Also there is the whole issue of being away from the babies and who will look after them and what happens if William's not well and how would they feed as neither of them take a bottle at the moment. And would i be too worried about the twins to be able to perform my role at the party properly? But on the other hand it's a great opportunity and a chance to have some 'slave' time and i need to start leaving the boys with other people to give me a break anyway....

So we'll see. What do you guys think? Too much too soon, or a chance not to be missed? Sir is letting me decide on this one and i need to give Him my answer this weekend.

Connection

2011-03-16T06:22:00.002Z

Last night on the chatroom a Dom i have chatted with a bit in channel slipped into my PM (private messages) for some getting-to-know-you chat and a bit of flirting, which potentially could have lead onto some play. Now this was not a Dom who was new to me, it was not some HNG (horny net geek) forcing himself onto me, this was someone i knew and liked and respected from what i had seen of him in the room. So i was quite happy to PM with Him and see where things might lead.

Except they didn't lead very far really as i became increasingly uneasy and uncomfortable as the chat progressed. Again, nothing to do with what the Dom was actually doing or saying as far as i could tell, because when i read it back later it was all harmless enough, with Him complimenting me and saying how He had admired me in channel, taking things slow, responding to my questions, reassuring me when i expressed doubts, generally being very nice and very attentive. i engage in far more flirty or sexually-explicit exchanges with those i know in channel, not as the prelude to a scene, but just general banter and looking for some attention or as a way to keep us subbies amused, so i shouldn't have had any problems with this PM (and intact He withdrew very respectfully when it became clear i no longer wished to continue).

So the only conclusion i can come to is that we just weren't compatible, that there wasn't that connection there which i find necessary in order to submit to another and engage in a scene. Maybe that's what was making me uneasy, and this particular Dom could probably scene successfully with many other subs on a mutually-enjoyable basis, just not me. Maybe the issue lies solely with me and not Him? Because i find that in order to do a good scene, and certainly in order to enjoy it, i need to feel a connection with the Dom/me, to trust Him or Her, to feel that i could 'play' with them in real-life. Of course i can do a scene without that connection being there, but then it becomes merely typing words onto a screen, there's no feeling behind it and i don't give of myself. i felt that this Dom deserved better than that, and told Him i didn't want to disappoint Him by doing a rubbish scene because the connection between us wasn't there, but i'm not sure He understood.

All of which just goes to show that finding the right Dom/me can be just as important for an online scene as in a real-life situation; even though the safety considerations aren't there online as they are in real-life the feelings and emotions and mental submitting is, for me anyway. And that can be a complex thing, which confuses me sometimes.

formspring.me #68

2011-03-15T06:36:00.003Z

How did you and your Sir cope when you were pregnant with Poppy? I'm pregnant at the moment and my Sir isn't coping with the lack of play in our lives. What specific things did you avoid? And did you come up with any new or inventive ways of playing?

hi and congratulations on your pregnancy. When i was first pregnant with Poppy Sir had me research which BDSM activities were still safe and which should be avoided, and i found that actually not that many were 'banned' during pregnancy. Basically you're recommended to avoid electricity play, spanking (because of the noise which transmits to your baby), bondage, breath play, anything which puts pressure on the abdomen, certain oils and pressure points which can trigger labour, anything which makes you too hot, and nipple play during the last month. Apart from that do what you want, including anal sex and rough sex (i checked these with my doctor), bewbie play, floggings, sensation play, oral sex, hand jobs, etc. On the whole it's more a case of being inventive, finding different positions, checking in with the woman to make sure she's ok and dealing with those pesky hormones. You can read a brief account of one of our pregnant play sessions here: http://libbysub.blogspot.com/2007/10/pregnant-play-session.html
Thanks for the question and have fun!

Ask me anything

He squawks

2011-03-14T07:14:00.002Z

Up until now William has only ever made 2 different noises, rather than the myriad coos and other vocalisations normally made by babies. Basically he screams/cries and occasionally makes a happy little cooing noise and that's it. He doesn't even have different types of cries for different things like most babies do - whether he's hungry, needs changing, ill, tired, grumpy, bored, fed-up, scared, over-stimulated, hot, just woken up he screams loudly and repeatedly until the problem is fixed. Which can make it tricky sometimes working out what the problem is because with Finn i know from his cry whether he's hungry, uncomfortable, tired or ill, but with William i have to work through all the possibilities to find out what's bothering him and even then i don't discover it sometimes but just end up soothing him with some rocking or snuggling.

Anyway, what i wanted to say is that William has added a new noise to his repertoire, which is a little squawk, and he uses it in the same context each time so it's a definite step in his communicative skills - basically it's a squawk of protest when something he is enjoying gets taken away or stopped before he is ready or when something he doesn't like happens (such as having clothes pulled over his head), and there's a super adorable face of protest which goes with it! A small step i know, but i appreciate each and every small step in development that William takes because i know how hard each one is for him.

So sweet!

2011-03-13T10:08:00.001Z

Poppy was looking at a book in our bed with Sir this morning, while i was seeing to the boys and listening in on their conversation. It was a book about different jobs done by people in a town and afterwards Poppy wanted to go back through the book naming the jobs. Sir asked her which job she might want to do when she is older, which made her ask "What can I do?", to which Sir replied "You can be anything you want to sweetheart, if you try hard enough."

Poppy thought about this for a while and then announced "I be a shark!" which cracked me up, especially at the look on Sir's face! Then He had to explain to her that she couldn't be a shark because she is a little girl and little girls grow up to be ladies like mummy. Poppy looked at me and thought about this some more and then asked rather sadly "Not be a shark?", so Sir told her that she could get a job looking after sharks in a sealife centre or taking people diving with sharks or finding out about sharks in the sea, which cheered her up immensely. All morning she has been telling anyone who'll listen (including Finn and William who listen to everything she has to say) "Gonna work with sharks", and you know what? i wouldn't be surprised if she did!

Serves me right

2011-03-12T14:03:00.004Z

Something has happened which has made me realise how karma really can come and bite you on the bum when you're least expecting it. Recently i've been either falling asleep with my laptop still switched on and me still signed into the P&H chatroom or getting distracted with seeing to the twins and doing the same. Most people on the chatroom have been really understanding about this and also about why i don't always follow the rules about greeting Dom/mes when they come into the room and i know the ops have been making special allowances for my current circumstances, especially Ben who has been so good to me and really quite lenient considering the high expectations placed on subs in that room.

So how do i go and repay their generosity and understanding? By becoming complacent and not bothering to excuse myself from the room when i feel myself getting sleepy or marking afk when i go to see to the boys and know i may not make it back into the chat before bedtime. Instead i have frequently left myself signed into the chatroom all night, giving the ops the dilemma of whether to kick me out or leave me there obviously breaking the rules. i got a telling off from Sir about this habit this morning when He found a message on there from Ben saying He will be interested to hear what distracted me from signing out last night, and Sir reminded me that having a laptop and using the internet at all is a privilege which can be taken away from me at any time and i need to show more responsibility and accountability in using it, especially towards people who are my friends and who have been so supportive of me. i felt really bad and apologised for my actions and promised to do better in future, because i'm aware that by behaving in such a way i am also giving a bad impression of my Sir to those in the chatroom who don't know Him but might think He allows me to behave in such a bad way. And i hate it when others think badly of Sir especially if it is my doing.

So i felt humbled and contrite after Sir's lecture and then discovered that leaving my laptop on all night had completely killed the battery and now it won't even turn on, so i had to order a new battery for it and won't be able to use it until it gets delivered. See what i mean about karma? Not only did my actions annoy my Sir and my friends online, not only did they cause my Sir to potentially be viewed in a bad light, not only did they cause problems for Ben and the other ops in seeming to give me unfair advantages and different rules to the rest of the subs on P&H, but they have also resulted in me not being able to use my laptop until who knows when. i'm lucky that i have an iPad so i can still access the internet and i'm going to try getting into the chartrooms using this later, but i don't know how easy that will be. i find the onscreen keyboard quite tricky, but it all serves me right for being so selfish and thoughtless in the first place, and i'll try hard never to take my internet access or friends for granted in that way again.

Sorry everyone from a very humbled libby. (And apologies for the rubbishness of this post as i can't figure out how to change the font or insert pictures on the iPad).